Celebrity Big Brother 7: The Final (From Booze to Cheese)

I am round my friends house! I have bought my laptop! I am a loser. Apparently Alex is red-hot favourite to win! I can’t believe it.

Davina is sprouting hair! She looks haggard but I think my mate might have HD.

Everyone is talking too loud! My blog is being compromised! I think I might be pushing my luck asking people to shut it.

What is going on after the break? Are the highlights so crap they are showing weird BBLB style campaigning halfway through the show? Odd.

Dinner speeches! My way! This is always good for a cringe. Dane has designer stubble. Alex said ‘specifically’ right! He looked like a ‘pacifically’ man to me!

I think I’m ready for it to be over now. In some ways.

Stephanie’s out! I thought it would be Jonas. Wow, she’s got her old Dynasty gear on I reckon. And the hair! Oh, the glamour. OMG she’s chewing gum! Gross. Not so classy.

We’ve just decided our mate Adam would make a good Big Brother contest and are bullying him to go to the auditions. He would make the best housemate EVER. No comedian could dream him up.

Stephanie had a good sense of humour but was a bit of a bitch. Look at the ring over the gloves. That’s panache.

Her interview seemed quite good. I especially liked the bit where the crowd chanted ‘get Vinnie out!’

Basshunter! Now You’re Gone! Aw Jonas looks quite cute in his braces. There’s a Swedish girl round Adam’s and she’s giving us all the lowdown Basshunter’s murky past.

Jonas looks dreamy! Ooh he’s dissed Kat. Harsh. He’s being extremely cheesy in this interview. It felt scripted. ‘Too late baby!’ was pretty cool though.

The clown-fucking clip was quite funny. Basshunter; disown your management! Run for your life... be happy.

OMG Vinnie’s 3^rd! Pure joy! And the best part is that he’s got to sit there eating it for half an hour! EAT IT! Vinnie thinks the news is on! Has he never seen 8 of 10 cats.

Vinnie- there’s your career- wave goodbye. Man of the people. That made me feel genuinely happy in every way. I don’t really mind who wins now. Jordan must be laughing her socks off.

2^nd show! There’s like 12 people here now so I’ve had to put the subs on. Everyone thinks I’m a complete tool. I can’t deny it. I love Big Brother!

Wow these subs are crazy, apparently you spell Davina ‘Daveenya!’

What’s Vinnie carrying? His P45? He looks pissed off! I have had several gloating texts! We won!

Vinnie why you got them sunglasses on? It’s night time! I can’t hear what he’s saying, can someone let me know if he made a complete twat out of himself, I’m sure he did.

LOL to the welcome pack. It looked a bit shoddily made.

I have now commandeered the remote control. I can’t tell people to shh in their own home though.

It’s ALEX! He looks shocked. Imagine if you’d put a few quid on Alex at the beginning. You couldn’t have written that ending. Dane looks nervous.

Dane looks quite handsome, but I might be drunk. I’m doing my best here; sorry it’s a real struggle!

I wonder what he thinks about being beaten by Alex. AGAIN! Heh.

Dane’s dressed like a snooker player again. What has Dane achieved? He’s gone from national joke to alright geezer. And I think that’ll probably do him. I couldn’t hear much of the interview! I can imagine it though. He seemed to come across well.

Please fill me in on what I missed. I really have to socialise now. My stock has plummeted here, and it was pretty low from the second I arrived.This is a major arse-ache, I hope you appreciate it.

OMG I heard the ‘have you seen that head?’ bit! Naughty Dane.

Alex: ‘goodbye celebrity brig brother house.’ Well done Alex, you’ve almost learnt how to speak in the house. Next stop: picture books!

Aw he looked cute when he came out. The public loves an underdog!

This vision express advert is heavy on the lady sovereign glasses.

It’s funny because even Daveenya was mean to Alex when he went in. And now she’s got to crawl up his arse. Heh.

Maybe Alex won because he found God!

It’s quite funny that a man that wasn’t allowed to speak about his personal life went on to win. Irony!

Get out of Vinnie’s arse Alex! Oh he mentioned he got booed. Hehe! So much for Vinnie’s fanbase. Alex didn’t even have Jordan as a fan three weeks ago.

Alex talking about himself in the third person is mega! Jordan couldn’t dump him now even if she wanted to.

Jordan: boooooooo! Haha.

Alex, also a big fat orange. He was gracious about Dane, it was nice.

Aw the memories at the end! Another three weeks of my life wasted. I know it’s over.

I don’t think it’s the end for CBB, whatever they say. With twitter, a channel that actually gives a shit, and some new ideas, Big Brother could go on forever. And should.

And finally: Let’s spare a thought for Peter Andre tonight. He must be absolutely seething.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: To posh to plush

Why is the last mile the hardest mile? (because you kicked out Stevie B- dur).
The tree's task for Vinnie was good. OMG! Vinnie defied the tree. And thus his chances of winning are gone. What a spoilsport! Don't argue with the tree. Don't give that tree attitude like Lady Sov when denied her purple hair dye.
Ah Vinnie is going to do it to protect the house. What a saint. Notice how Vinnie gets the task right before final night. Fiiiiiiix!
Vinnie dropped that cross-dressing thing into conversation about as subtly as Melinda Messenger puts blusher on. Vinnie, were you out with the lads, or in the bedroom? Or in the bedroom with the lads? Get your story straight, you gorm.
Anyone would think the tree asked Vinnie to line up the housemates and rape them with with a spatula the way he was carping over that task.
Vinnie! Acting! Give the man a Oscar. Alex is so stupid it's unreal, he contradicts himself from the start of the sentence to the end! Idiot-hole.
Vinnie, you can't speak American, you doofus. Get out of that elevator and off the sidewalk.
Who are Alex's 'work buddies'? The guy from human resources? Aw, he is sweet though.
I hope Vinnie's football team LOSE! And I hope yours does too! Football is RUBBISH!
Those costumes they gave them looked cheap as fuck. Don't they get that they're putting you in costumes BECAUSE it's eviction night?
Jonas was panting like a paedo under that pig suit. And goats don't have long curly hair! Get Attenborough in there, never mind Davina.
Davina-gate. Is it going to make any more sense than last night? No, because they are just fumbling in the dark as usual. What was the point?! It was a day-trip for Davina and that was about it. And no day-trip can beat David and Lisa's from regular BB! Their day out in London was the stuff of legend.
WTF is Stephanie doing? Too posh to plush? Get over yourself, lady muck. Punish her!
Cockadoodledo-her! Davina flirting with Alex was quite funny. 'I wanna bash it up' 'clothesline it'! WTF! Cruelty to chickens. This makes Colonel Sanders look kind. Stop acting the goat, Dane. Vinnie, a woman doesn't become an 'it' because they're in a costume.
Don't ignore the chicken in the room. OMG they are gang-raping her. This is fucked up.
Rip Davina's head off! Do the nation a favour.
'And she's drunk... and she walks like Quasimodo'. Jonas offering her a fag was funny. Fire hazard! Oink oink... tweet tweet. Jonas feels sorry for the lonesome chicken.
Davina don't fart, it's unladylike!
Alex getting the joke about three hours after everyone else was pure joy.
Jesus, if that was the best night of Davina's life her drug dealer must have been USELESS back in the day. Was kind of sad when she said 'she's gone' about Nicola.
Why is Dane dressed like a snooker player? Jonas check your back for a knife after that cuddle from Martha off Corrie.
It did make more sense tonight. But still not that much.
So tomorrow is final night- and I am going out! But I might take my laptop with me. However, if a friend came to my house and asked to watch Dancing on Ice or something, I'd tell them to fuck right off, so it might not quite pan out. Either way, it will be blogged. Bear with me!
Oh and vote ALEX or Dane. :-)

Celebrity Big Brother 7: Animal Farm

I'm back in my nest! Woo. I think the celebrity going in is Davina, I heard it on the grapevine.
Who's thicker out of Alex or Nicola?! Fight! It's all relative; it's like saying what's thicker, a can of beans or a shoe.
That task was kind of dull. Alex's Lionel Richie looked like Nemo, of finding fame.
Vinnie slagging Dane- zzzzz. I see they are showing Alex being a prat in the diary room just as people are voting. Fix!
Alex's sensitive dealing with Jonas' tourettes story was beautiful: 'what, were you dropped on the head or something?'
Alex appreciation society! Aw. It's weird when they're not taking the mick out of him. It makes me uneasy.
I was about as sad to see Ivana go as the housemates (i.e. not very). You can't really boo Ivana. What for? Her earlobes?
Aw look at Stephanie and Ivana's friendship; slightly marred somewhat by the nomination she gave her.
I felt nothing for that first show. Nothing!
2nd show! I guess Nicola's outee then. See ya. Aw, she didn't deserve to go out like that! What a shame. I would rather have seen that happen to someone else. She took it well. Her interview wasn't bad. Davina wasn't too overbearing.
Davina's going in! I wonder how long Davina is going to stay for? Davina doesn't do whispering very well, does she? Is it just a coincidence a girl was evicted and Davina is a girl? Girl hands required!
Vinnie sussed it immediately! LOL. Davina is too ungainly. That farmyard thing was SO creepy. Did Davina not have a plan of action when she went in? She's just scampering around like a prat! I'm glad I'm not watching this after too many painkillers or I'd be right freaked out.
Is she not going to reveal herself AT ALL?! I don't get it!
OK I'll watch Big Mouth to try and suss it out, and as my blog has put lack into lustre tonight. Emma Willis is presenting. She can't read the autocue.
Oh God, not John McCruick again! I'm going to have to bail. You'll have to figure it out yourself! Ta-ra!

Celebrity Big Brother 7: Martha Stewart must be fuming

Bored of blogging every day now, it's like a full time job! I'm going out Friday! Argh! *takes laptop*
Nicola is going to need a lot more work at Stephanie's finishing school.
What is this Ivana stuff all about? I smell bullshit. Ah, it is bullshit.
What sort of name is Coogle fresh? Cougar fresh! Kugel fresh! Much confusion and no LOLs whatsoever. It's all filler, no killer because there's no storylines developing naturally now.
Ad break: Every minute a baby is born! Try contraception!
This task isn't doing it for me. There's not much at stake because I don't think Ivana could care one way or another.
Alex is grateful for kids dying of famine as it makes him feel better about him being slagged off in the paper! He'll be chuffed with the events in Hiati then.
It's hard to tell when Vinnie is pretending to being an arsehole, because it's no different from his regular behaviour. Ah he wasn't even doing it then! Enough said.
What award was Jonas recieving in 2007, best orgy in his mum and dad's hot tub? (I haven't seen the pictures of this one yet!) 'I'm a musician!' Well, barely.
Ivana's award is just a vase glued to a bit of wood. Stephanie does not look amused. Ha, they've got to smash it. Who will do the deed?
Why did Steph smash it before they'd drunk out of it? Was it an accident? I don't have rewind because I'm not at home, I'm on nursing duty! Then they drank out of the shards! Health and safety! What would Mario say?
Ivana seems unphased by the whole thing from start to finish! I don't think she could give a shit about anything! It was nice when Alex kissed her.
Ads: I like singing that 'tonight's going to be a good night' song! I see they've gone from Bright Eyes to Spandau Ballet on the Halifax ad. Just as good, right, Howard?!
I liked Stephanie laughing in the diary room, makes a change from her being so uptight. Aw, Ivana is kind. 'It was ugly anyway!' Then they left her to tidy it up! Harsh.
Not one natural thing happened today; it was virtually all 'scripted'.
All their slating of 'Rocky' just makes me want to vote, vote, vote for him!
Musical montage! I like these bits. They've all got Stephen Baldwin hair! Well done, Alex, thick AND greedy!
Jonas spray tanning Alex! This man is OBSESSED with publicity! Jordan was right to dump him for that. 'Spray my arse, bitch!' Goodness me. Alex is making David Dickinson look like Nicola from Girls Aloud. He's going to end up black! He is totally shameless! I wonder if they did his willy? OMG! He did it! Jordan, don't go down on him, he looks radioactive.
Vinnie is one bitter old shrew. He thinks that makes Alex looks stupid, but actually it makes Alex look like a good laugh.
Vote Alex and Dane to win. I'd PAY to see Vinnie voted out tomorrow!

Celebrity Big Brother 7: I couldn't hit an old man

Why do these celebrities keep using the word 'bonk'?! I've never heard a human say that before, only a newspaper.
Dane's sex tape more searched for than Pammie's? I don't think so! I'd never even heard of it before. Plus, Pammie's was sexier; I've seen both now!
Steph looks cute today with the bow in her hair. Vinnie is going to flip over this task.
I wonder what Dane and Alex REALLY think of each other? There's been remarkably little bitching between them, really. They even have matching outfits on today.
Stephanie has totally had it with Vinnie now, you can see it on her face.
OMG that joke was a horror story. Nicola! Racist! That was mortifying. I think I preferred Alex and Dane's highbrow musing on the logistics of siamese-twin sex. At least they're having a laugh (at Vinnie's expense!).
Basshunter! Bad taste in films as well as in music! How can Vinnie be a favourite actor of ANYONE?!
Oh my god, Stephanie Beacham saying Nic's not allowed to say 'go for a pee' but go to the bathroom. Fuck off, you snotty old cow.
£400 for a pair of socks! Man of the people Vinnie Jones. YES! Alex said it. Go Alex! 'I couldn't hit an old man'. Go Ivana: 'I can't take any more of this boxing bullshit!' If Alex and Dane team up they could take Vinnie DOWN!
Lawks, these highlights are slow tonight! Dane's piss isn't that exciting!
Where is the shopping list this year? I've yet to see Vinnie lording it over the chalkboard. Dane and Alex were like teenagers waiting for their dinner. The giggling was quite pathetic.
I wonder what Ivana thinks of the other housemates? She's a bit inscrutible.
I like Jonas' cardigan, he's cute. I'm glad Dane picked Jonas to go to the secret place. He appreciates it!
Vinnie going 'who me?' when they said he was bound to win was tragic. He's been swanning round like a winner since day one. Vinnie's ego knows no bounds. IMAGINE him being beaten by Alex. Just imagine it. Vote Alex and Dane, let's crush Vinnie's spirits!
Vinnie joking about knocking the shit' out of a pensioner! What a hero!
10.50pm and the housemates have been asleep for an hour?! WTF? They are sleeping like 12 hour nights! It's a joke! This better not be allowed to happen in the civillian version.
MARIO KART! Sweet. Now that is a treat. Jonas was right for that treat because he likes games. It was nice seeing him go to sleep with a smile on his face!

Celebrity Big Brother 7: Third gear to get up to the house

One second in and Vinnie annoyed me. He actually makes my skin crawl. At least Steph stuck to her point in the face of him trying to belittle her. Oh then he went and ratted on her in the diary room! Nice. Real nice. It is HIM who is desperate to win.
Nicola: too stupid to realise when she's being insulted! That was kind of endearing, though.
A big fat orange isn't a home truth, it's just a random insult! I like it. Dane Devito! Harsh. Jonas does look a bit like a rat. Poor Alex, he's so vain (and dumb).
Nicola: 'Tree!' Tree: 'What do you want?' Haha. I like that tree, he's quite rude. Their conversation was brilliant! 'He's going bald!' LOL.
Ha, Vinnie thought the quality of celebrities would be better! Charming! Why is he slagging off Richard Bacon? I like Richard Bacon! Richard Bacon was TOO COOL to go in, unlike you, Jones!
The conversation about Marlon Brando was quite interesting. Why SHOULDN'T Alex wear a bum bag? Should people only do things that the press will approve of? Does Vinnie fax Rupert Murdoch for approval every time he wants to something? Moron.
I thought Nicola did well on that task. She's not a perfect housemate; but there's more good in her than bad. She's got a bit of charm.
The first thing I thought when I saw her message from home was 'where's her boyfriend?' so after the fuss she made about that photo not having the right lighting/ the appropriate photoshopping, god knows what she's going to make of this. I mean you know your parents are going to stand by you in the house; even Kinga's mum probably took her back in. It's your partner you'd worry about, I'd imagine. There's no doubt BB did it deliberately; she's probably getting a bit too close in the odds to Vinnie so they want to scupper her chances by making her have a crack up.
'Man of the people' Vinnie bragging about his money was tragic; if you're such a big man, why are you on this show? Can't you drive yourself? You're not 'speaking for the public' now, are you? Plus he interrupts, all the time! He's just trying to be top dog over Alex, it's fucking pathetic, it's beyond pathetic, actually. He'll be bragging about how big his knob is next. Just because you live on a steep hill, doesn't mean your house is any good, you twat.
Those charades looked good, I'd have liked to have seen more of those. They were quite good at getting them actually! They were hard.
I didn't know Dane and Jordan had a sex tape! I'll be typing that into Voggle later. Or maybe not. OMG I just found it already *uses bleach for eyedrops*. Why are celebrity sex tapes always so BORING? I mean, surely you're saving your best work for when you've got the camera out! Jordan looked thoroughly bored using that vibrator. And those knickers! The sex was almost silent! It's funny, you'd kind of imagine Jordan would have sex like this, posing and preening and not having very much fun. I mean, don't people laugh when they have sex in real life? Who leaked this? There's no excuse for putting us through this shit, it's like Paranormal Activity all over again. Also, Jordan looked 100% inflatable, and Dane Bowers willy is really weird looking. I'm going to have to rethink my options towards him.
And the filth continues. Dane slept with 5 women at once! Do you think it was as much fun as that video? Probably less fun as it wasn't on film, although I can't imagine how. A sex toy up your bum! I'm glad Stephanie wasn't up for this conversation. I can't believe they went to bed at quarter to eleven! What sort of party is that? Haha, and they all went to bed whilst Jonas was in the diary room! Harsh. I like Jonas. He's an idiot, but he's alright.
God, there's no one to believe in, is there?

Celebrity Big Brother 7: Sing, Beacham, sing!

'Will you miss Ivana, Stephanie?' 'No' would have sufficed. I've seen less skirting around an issue on Question Time.
Another convert to Stephen's crew, just as he walks out the door! Will BB give them the Bibbles? Probably not, it's not in their contract.
Stephanie would miss the Bible but not you, Stephen! Take your Dot Cotton philosophies away back to Baldwin manor. Praise the Lord!
Song time in BB bedroom. Someone tried to do me ache! That's what I'm afraid of. Could this be the new Insania? It doesn't ache you, it hurts you! Argh, it's like trying to reason with Molko all over again.
I think I preferred the old Stephanie. I reckon they're going to burst into Kumbayah in a minute.
I didn't like Nicola having a go at Sisqo, I can't be arsed with her. I don't get why they all don't like Sisqo so much. He seems a lot more reasonable than them.
Flat pack challenge! Vinnie is going to shit no being able to look at those instructions. He is such an aggressive arsehole, the way he stomps around is wholly unpleasant.
There's a lot of back-biting going on in that house at the moment. Many a true word spoken in jest, says the cliche generator.
I'm feeling a little 'begruntled'! Oh Dane, I'm afraid you've got your lickle wordies mixed up!
God, Vinnie is such a fucking STIRRER! Get that guy a wooden spoon and his bus fair home, I can't stand it anymore! He has totally ruined this series for me. I'd rather have Gazza weeping and drinking in there.
Alex: 'I've been syndicated!' Bless him. Yeah, Alex give it to Vinnie! Give it to him! Haha, then Ivana got stuck in.
Sisqo SMILED when he heard 'get Stephen out'! Mean! Stephen got cheered, I don't care what they say. Oh sorry for booing, Vinnie, you don't CONTROL THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE YOU CUNT.
Was Ivana happy to stay? It's hard to tell with her face. Alex going 'in your face' as he left! I've never heard such a thing.
Vinnie's arrogance is really going into the Rex stratosphere now. I so hope he's digging his own grave here. I think even Steph was backing off from it a bit. He even told Ivana to sling her hook.
What is Annabels?! I want to go there.
Why is Nicola so far up Vinnie's arse today? I can't stand it!
Ivana got jealous when Stephanie was getting a massage of Alex! I don't think he was putting his back into it, to be honest. Then he nearly whipped her wig off.
Alex looked scared when Nicola was probing him. Dane is a little bitter. Mind you, it would be a little weird; he did go out with Jordan for 2 years.
I don't mind Alex; he's barely managed to cobble together a personality, but he's harmless enough. Wouldn't it be funny to see Alex beat Vinnie though? Can you imagine Vinnie's face?
Do the right thing; vote for anyone else except the V man. Pip pip!

Celebrity Big Brother 7: I want to talk to my solicitor

I can't believe they cut it all out, but I was watching the live feed last night and Jonas was basically crying because he found out his manager taking FIFTY percent off him was a bit of a piss take. Poor Jonas. He's learning a lot about life in that house, but I think it will make him a better person. My favourite part of that conversation was when Steph was asking if Jonas's manager pays for the venue and posters. Jonas said yes. Then she said, 'And does he pay for the bunting and balloons?' LOL! Now THAT'S a rave-up.
The fact they cut ALL of that out to focus on Vinnie stomping round looking like a bulldog who's stood on a nail and then got kicked in the cunt says everything you need to know about this show.
Anyway, on with tonight. Vinnie you little snitch! What a fucking loser. 'Hard man' Vinnie Jones! Upset by little old Sisqo! Dane was 'lying there with Vinnie in his bed'! Ugh! Vinnie is being threatening. Sounds like Sisqo told the truth to me. Vinnie is as out of touch with his own personality as Sov is.
Are you really going to keep in a man who said 'I want to speak to my solicitor' over some drunken chat (which can't have been that offensive as I don't even remember it, and it was only yesterday).
He's projecting all over that situation. What a horrible man! I thought I'd seen it all from Vinnie, but he's really plumbing new depths of patheticness today.
I just want to say a big FUCK YOU to Vinnie's family. Hope that didn't offend them (much).
Sisqo, why are you grovelling to Vinnie? Fuck him! He's a tool. Furthermore, why is Sisqo dressed as a nun?
OMG I think I'm going to vomit about Nicola squeezing Alex's spots. I wouldn't do that for my boyfriend, let alone Neanderthal Tan.
Dane slapped Stephanie's arse with style! He's good at these tasks, isn't he?
Stephen's party was good! No more bad language. 'Fuck yeah!' I like their montages to music, it's a bit like Eastenders, but more cheery.
Pass the parcel! Nice. Alex's panties looked alright!
The name of that game with the sticks and the marbles is Kerplunk, you ninnies.
I liked Big Brother playing a trick on them, it was cute. Stephanie took it quite well, I must say.
Alex doesn't condone the fake poo gag! Don't rummage through the bin for fake poo, there's no chocolate cake in there, Geri Halliwell. Stephen doesn't condone it: 'put it down by her feet!' Haha.
Jonas timed that fart quite well with poo-gate. Ew, Alex chewed it!
Second show! Sisqo must survive. Stephen hasn't got a hope in 'Hell'! Ho ho ho.
Stevie B's out! He got loads of cheers actually. His highlights were amazing! He looked quite sharp I thought.
Oh god, he's representing Jesus! I think Jesus is displeased with Stephen's representation.
Davina: you're going straight to hell, girlfriend!
Stephen gave good interview. Even Davina restrained herself from talking over him for most of the time.
No way, I can't BELIEVE Ivana beat Sisqo! I even fucking voted for Ivana. This is bullshit; another victory for Team Vinnie. No doubt it was Vinnie's straggly old wife with Sisqo on speed-dial because she was so offended by his non-existent behaviour the other night.
Vinnie is going to walk this fucker now. HE'S NOT A NATIONAL HERO!
I think the votes WERE strategic for Sisqo. He was done- he's a decent guy.
So it's a vote to win now? Vote Dane! Don't let that fucking prick Vinnie Jones win or I'll come kick your arse. I mean it!

Celebrity Big Brother 7: I can grab a man's balls and still be straight

'Previously on Big Brother'! It's not 24!
Oh Stephen. The emperor's new clothes look fab on you. 'Take the bible in there and give it the old...'!
The is some demonic activity in that house, but it aint paranormal. I truly believe that they will turn on Dane when they find out the truth. Although it will make him popular with us, being a good liar won't make him popular in that house.
I feel too cold, and now I feel too warm again! It's like a torture camp in there. I'm sick of trying to spell Guantanemo. Oops.
So Dane's not allowed to tell them about the task? I think that's a good thing for him, to be honest.
Why wouldn't Simon (Nicola's bloke) be worried about Dane? I think he should be, a little, those two are quite close, in a subtle way.
Stephanie complaining of 'sex in the dormitory'. You're not at boarding school, love, you're 50 years too old.
Nice of BB to cook for them! Vinnie was probably jealous.
Alex coming on hard man stylee in the diary room! Don't fuck with him! He'll whoop your arse.
Bisexual talk! Jonas wants to be part of the 'have your cake and eat it society' (tm. Russell Brand). Don't trust those bisexuals, I say. Just look at Brian Molko. No, really, though, I liked what Jonas said about people being uncomfortable with their own sexuality being scared by bisexuality. It's true. And Sisqo DID look a bit shifty!
Meat is murder! Bisexuality, dead animals, it's like a Morrissey Big Brother special. What is WRONG with these tasks? It's grotesque. Weaving offal in and out of holes- yummy!
The Wonderstuff! Miles Hunt! They need those royalties, believe me. Oh my god, this is disgusting, I can barely look. I would vomit. There's no way I could do that task in a billion years. It looked very Damien Hurst.
The Sov hate train rumbles on! Stephanie, she has really been the undoing of your character. Your hate for her says more about you and your fear than it does about Sov.
Nicola is complaining about that picture again! Yes they are sending you a hateful message via the photo of the snowman! Look at that snowman's beady eyes, he's trying to nick your man, love. Ungrateful idiot.
Poor Jonas, he's a broken man these days.
Vinnie is more nosy than Dot Cotton. He's got an opinion on EVERYTHING! Let's see how you react when you get nominated. The Sisqo hate is unbecoming. Sisqo is bland but harmless.
I liked Alex's tales from the mental asylum. Stephen didn't, though!
Stephen, my dear, you do not get to call people from the Big Brother house. But don't worry, you'll be out of there on Friday. And it's pronounced WROTH.
Don't threaten Big Brother, Stephen! They'll take away your Bible! He's sending the BB staff to Hell. I heard a funny conversation between Sisqo and Stephen the other day where Sisqo said, 'You know when you burn yourself on the oven? Imagine that ALL DAY LONG in Hell! Damn!' LOL!
Sisqo, we don't talk about winning BB in this country. And we don't vote for 'role models'. I think you're not quite understanding the demographic of the BB viewer. Don't mention you want to win- ever.
Amazing Grace as sung by the undead!
Vinnie was actually giving Alex some quite good advice in the bedroom. I don't think Peter Andre is going to start hanging with Alex somehow.
Oh lawks, Stephen has converted Basshunter too!
The Vinnie fanclub is so cloying. Jonas is drunk. Vinnie doesn't want those compliments! He's 45! He knows the score! Fuck me, Stephanie is like Vinnie's moll. Vinnie is one manipulative motherfucker. He reminds me of Carol who was in there one year; she set herself up as indispensible to the housemates, turned on the waterworks and survived eviction until the very end. The viewers saw right through it.
I still like Stephen. I like his tattle-tailing. I'm upset it's a double eviction. Keep Sisqo in, vote Ivana out.
This is Vinnie's house! Let's burn the mother-fucker down.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: A bit like your career

This blog is coming at you live from south london, as I cleverly locked myself out of my flat earlier! Brilliant. Even better when you live alone.
Ha, it's funny they turned the heat up and the water off, I saw alex complaining about this last night and he was NOT happy. Salt/ sugar swap: Sov getting the blame when she's not even there!
I don't think Stephen and Vinnie are going to take too kindly to BB's jiggery-pokery! There'll be tears before bedtime.
Weasel-gate. What animal is Vinnie? He's kind of like a rhino, bulldozering his way through everything.
Stephen, I hardly think you having to sit on a bench is equivilent to Jesus getting nailed to a cross. I think he's going to flip today. I can see it in his eyes.
Why have they painted the benches with honey? Weird. Sisqo looks under pressure.
They should have got Vinnie to ruin the dinner, not Dane. Dane was not very amused by the tree, was he? What is a 'busy fucker'?
I don't like it when they get punished, really, it makes for miserable viewing.
I missed the middle 15 minutes because there was a power cut, but only in the room in my boyfriend's house that I'm in?! I'm pretty cursed today. And you know bad things come in threes, so I'll probably spontaneously combust in my sleep (oh, I forgot, that phenomenon doesn't happen anymore since we got camera phones- odd that!)
The power out (arcade fire!) was fixed just in time for me to see them all enjoying Dane's chilli powder! Epic fail!
See those blankets BB gave them? I stayed in a hotel that had blankets like that recently.
Vinnie gloating that all the foreigners got nominated. Well done, you're a racist. Ho ho ho.
I think Sisqo was genuinely gutted. Vinnie stirring the pot about him! What is up with that man? It's not hard for americans to do well, if they are likeable. Vinnie, stop speaking for the public! It's OK if everyone presumes Vinnie is going to win, but not if Sisqo fancies his chances? I'm sick of hearing Vinnie's voice, to be honest. Keep Sisqo in: let's rub Vinnie's face in it. I have faith in the British public; I don't think they will let Vinnie win.
The heating thing is just cruel- why do I not feel sorry for them?! I like it when Alex goes all prissy. It's not a very good threat; 'you might get what you want, some good TV.' That's like when I said to my boyfriend; 'can you make us a cup of tea, and if you don't I'm going to do it?' Folly!
Alex fighting the power! Smash that emergency door! I saw a bit of a different side to Alex on live feed last night; like he dropped his guard and wasnt just a loveable buffoon, but had a unpleasant side to him as well. There was just something about it that made me uneasy. Having said that, he was tired and they were torturing him, so I'll give him another chance.

That tree is cheeky! Dane's 'scream like a girl' task; I actually saw this on live feed and thought it was genuine. I jumped out of my skin. Dane's acting was absolutely amazing, like straight-faced genius. He didn't come out of character for a second and the way he made them wait by pretending he couldn't even speak was just fantastic. I thought something awful had happened to him, and no one twigged for a second that it might be a task. I actually wanted to call someone up and discuss it; and that was the joy of Big Brother, back when it was managed lovingly, that it was a talking point. I miss that.

Compare Dane's bravery to Jonas pathetically refusing to put salt in someone's bed.

I also now know who Paranormal Activity's target audience was, because they all said they liked it. It's SHIT!

Another brilliant part was Alex waking up ready to rumble, he was ready to go! They didn't show it from a good angle on the show, it was funnier on the live feed. If I was Jordan I'd definitely feel safe in my bed if I heard a creak in the night, this guy is action man! How funny would it have been if he'd knocked Dane out cold?! Stephen is going to blame this on the devil, you do know that.

Dane actually looked white as a sheet. And he got his hug! He was absolutely brilliant. They fucked this up totally in the show, they didn't show anywhere NEAR enough of it. They could have done ten minutes on it at least from the footage I saw. If I was the suspicious type, I'd say they don't want Dane to win over the chosen one. Well done, BB editors, another enormous fuck up on your part. You don't even know TV gold when you've got it. Back to Vinnie cam!

It goes without saying now; but Dane to win. I've even stopped calling him Dame. You earn respect; and he just earned mine. I might even start fancying him.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: This is Europe, baby

I was watching the live feed last night, listening to Stevie B bludgeoning Sisqo with the Bible and thought; BB have really scored an own goal here. By not putting anyone in that house capable of standing up to him, they are just providing a platform for him. It's just the God channel. He's converted Sisqo. He's half converted Alex. Job done.
How long before Vinnie gets his very own birdwatching task? I predict before the end of this very show. Talking of tits...
Vinnie, I have had these two weeks to judge you. You're an a-hole.
It's funny that Sisqo and Alex are both jealous of each other. My abs are bigger than your abs!
Alex laughing about Jordan's books! Supportive! Mind you...
What pop career has Jordan had? She released that song off Aladdin with Peter 'Dignified Silence' Andre, and failed to get on Eurovision in that rank pink catsuit. That's a 'career' best swept under the carpet.
I don't want Nicola to get a 'column'! I want my own column! I'm a writer! Get off my territory.
What is WRONG with Stephen? He is obsessed with things happening that didn't happen. He is obsessed with the men's physiques in the house. There is something unhinged in his mind. Europe don't need Jesus! And nor does England! Heh.
Jonas is pining! Ahhh.
I don't blame Ivana not wanting to strip off, she's fucking 60 odd! Have a fucking heart, Vinnie. He didn't like it when Steph disagreed with him, did he? He's a sexist prick. As for Nicola moaning about her cellulite, there's nothing worse than skinny people complaining about their bodies. Zzzzz. OMG she is SO skinny without clothes in. I don't think she knows how to spell cellulite.
Ahhhhh! Vinnie mentioned the cheque Ivana's getting. NOW we get to the crux of it. He didn't like it the other day when they said Ivana got the biggest cheque! So now he's got to humiliate her! I see!
When's YOUR half an hour of humiliation going to be, Vinnie? Oh I forgot; in all the 'films' you're in.
Aw, did Stephen do a rubbish picture because he was scared of getting a hard-on looking at Ivana's craggy old dellocatage (is that how you spell that? I guess not as it only gave me 4 results on google!)
Stephanie's drawing was good! Stephen's was pathetic. Alex's seemed to lack Nicola (maybe Jordan forced him not to look via a contract before he went in the house). Dane's was also good, as was Sisqo's. Jonas has a similar level of art ability to me: i.e. very little. Vinnie's was kind of sexy/trashy and I liked Sov's.
Aw Stevie B's getting a ticking off from Daddy! 'That's not like you'. Are you disappointed in him? Is he grounded? Yeah, Stephen, no TV and no leaving the house for the rest of the week! That'll learn him!
If Vinnie called me 'dear' like he did Nicola, I'd tell him to go stick it up his arse. They thought Sov was bad? I'd fucking sort him aht!
On yer bike Sov, you little gimp. She's got the key! She's got the secret! Well if they aint going to bother to look for a keyhole, fuck 'em.
I liked Stephen's blind supporting of Sov! The others were unbecoming in their slating of her straight after; that just doesn't happen on the regular BB.
I'm not sure about those speed nominations; face to face nominations are better and more shocking.
I do find Sisqo a little duplicitous, and a little too eager to agree with whoever he's talking to. I just wished SOMEONE had stood up for her after she left. Just one person. Ah- that person is Stephen! Go Stevie!
OMG Vinnie just did a Sov and sloped off when Stephen was talking! What a fucking hypocrite this man is!
Despite everything (and it is a lot); there is just something inherently likeable about Stephen, that is just lacking in Vinnie. He's controversial, and that makes him interesting in a sea of dead wood.
Interesting that Nicola was the only one who agreed with him! Evil Nic! 'It is what it is!' Just shoot me right now.
Oh God, Bible studies. I saw Nicola get this photograph of her husband and kid on the live feed, and she was TRULY grateful, because here's some of the many things she said about it: 'I wish my baby was smiling/ I wish my husband was looking at the camera/ it doesn't really look like her/ She looks freezing/ That dress is too small for her/ I wish it was a different picture'. Nice!
But Sisqo and Stephen both said her husband was hot, so that's OK.
OMG Vinnie 'I need more competition'. His ego is OUT OF CONTROL! TWAT!
Vinnie: 'my wife's had a heart transplant'. When? '22 years ago.' That's one dusty old sob story. Even Simon Cowell might not bother to rubber stamp that one.
Dane's face when Stephen was laughing about them going to hell was amazing! I think BB does need to get tougher. Confiscate the Bible! That'll do it.

Reality! : Celebrity Quitters (Day 1)

Now there's a programme title that lends itself to a rhyme or two. This show follows five *celebrities* giving up smoking! And what a line up. No, actually, it's a good line up!
Chloe Madeley. Not since Rumer Willis has the offspring of a celebrity couple been dished out such an unfair face. She's a model? Right. And I'm getting paid for writing this old toss.
Paul Danan! Well, what can you say? He's a miracle of modern science. He's unbearable enough when stuck on a desert island with Abi Titmuss, how the fuck is he going to cope under these conditions?!
Derek Acorah!!! Has he brought Sam (his special imaginary friend) with him? I don't know about your personal favourite ever Derek Acorah moment, but mine was when he went to Yvette, 'You're a fucking bitch!' and 'Show us your tits!' and claimed he was possessed. Now THAT'S balls. You go, Derek.
There's some other guy who I think was in the jungle one year. A chef? I seem to remember him being a sour-puss.
Oh and finally actress Linda Robson. Career going well, is it? She quit smoking for 17 years! It's like my mum, she quit for a few years and then started again, it's fucking STUPID. I really can't believe she did that.
I personally don't smoke, because I'm not an idiot, but my boyfriend (sorry! haha- I'm already in the bad books today, let's keep digging) smokes about 1000 a day. I know it's hard to give up. So this should make good telly.
Paul Danan is brilliant. I'd need more than a coffee and a fag waking up next to that. Acorah didn't start smoking til he was 29! That's my age! What a mental thing to start doing at this age. Just do crack, at least you'd get high. Smoking is rubbish! If I'm going to die from a drug, I want to FEEL high off it! I want to be FLYING as they card me off, not spluttering black goo all over the place.
70% of all smokers want to quit. I guess the other 30% are about 13.
Moral dilemma: Who would you rather be stuck in a lift with? Derek Acorah or Paul Danan? Arghhhhhhhh! Too hard.
Smoking IS idiotic, but there's something quite friendly and heart-warming about how naughty smokers congregate together. They get away with a zillion breaks at work too. I've always liked smokers even though I'm not one; I think it's because my mum smoked when she was pregnant with me (thanks mum, that did me no harm at all! Right?!) I don't know, smoking is kind of cool and sexy. Until the tracheotomy.
I already know a lot of dangers from smoking because I used to work for Cancer Research UK. Smoking is basically twice as bad as any damage you can do from unhealthy eating (I console myself with this, because I have an appalling diet); and it affects every single part of your body.
It's quite interesting that if you give up in a group your chances of quitting are increased by four! That's pretty good.
Madeley spawn has a lisp. Did Richard and Judy do anything right by this girl? Add this to the drink-driving and the bong-smoking! She's a wrong 'un! Ha, talking about her photo-shoots! Get the big airbrush out, Julian!
I don't like the sound of doing those tests to see how clogged up your arteries are and how fucked your lungs are! I'd rather stick my head in the sand. I went for a blood test recently and amazingly, was healthy. I was expecting a death sentence.
Paul Danan is such a prat. He's just come out of rehab for drug abuse. Bet it was coke, he just seems that type. Is that his house? It looks like a bedsit. They told him his lung age was 46 and he looked like he was going to cry. Haha, then he went outside and vomited! I love a good vomit on a reality show. The absolute best reality vomit ever was on Vanity Lair when this arrogant, big-headed guy who said any woman over a size 12 was disgusting vomited at a photo of himself because he was SO ugly. Nothing can touch that moment!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. The doctor gave them all a raisin and asked them to look at it 'as if they'd never seen one before in their life'. That's exactly how Paul Danan WAS looking at it.
I feel sorry for these people; I can't give up my addiction to crisps, and that's not even addictive. I don't know how people give up these things.
I saw a better show about quitting smoking in America (well I saw clips of it) called Cold Turkey where they thought they were going on some slick reality show to 'fulfil their dreams' and instead they were in some big brother style house and forced to give up smoking against their will, and tempted along the way. The winner won a million dollars.
I guess Channel 5 spent all their spare cash on Justin Lee Collins.
I might write another blog on this, depends if Paul Danan has a total breakdown and starts battering Derek Acorah. It's on all week anyway, so set your boxes to record. Or throw it out the window, whichever feels right.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: Slave to the vibe

Wow, Sov, your 'fanbase' sounds loud tonight. 'Get Sov out!' They must be keen to hear one of your delightful ditties.
Water bottle fun! Oh the Lord is playful today. Can we get rid of this fucking doofus yet, please?
Vinnie takes 'control freak' to scary fucking levels. Surely he can't still be favourite to win? He's so unreservedly unpleasant. I'd be sulking in Sov's place, I think.
Another good task today! The karaoke/ record player/ catfood task! They are pulling the props out this year! I have seen years where the tasks have been so useless; I feel like this bunch don't deserve such good tasks.
Has Sisqo seriously never heard 'living on a prayer' before? Hold on, why is Baldwin sitting on the side for this task? God moves in mysterious ways.
Bowers covered in custard! LOL. Sisqo knows NO SONGS whatsoever. Vinnie's not going to like all that food being wasted! He'll be scraping it up later and hoarding it from Sov.
I liked Sisqo saying 'that guy owes me money actually'. OMG how does Sisqo know this Another level song?! Dame Bowers! I knew you wouldn't let us down!
The puking/ retching was amusing. Sisqo is going to be in trubs!
Although Sov is extremely selfish; I blame her parents. I used to just wash up only my own stuff because I was a selfish little bitch too; sometimes you have to be shown how to be a caring, sharing sort of a person (normally it takes a functional relationship, as opposed to a dysfunctional family); and the way to do that is the lead by example and kindness, not by ostracising someone and telling them off. Steph called Sov 'a despicable non-entity!'. Not very classy. Remember this in future days, voters.
Oh god, Smoke-Gate: the return. They are ALL making my blood boil!
Oh Sov, you had some really good friends in that house in Sisqo and Basshunter. You should pin back your lugholes (tm. Jeremy Kyle) and listen to those boys.
Sov: 'i'm not cleaning a toilet'. Well, who do you expect to clean your shit up after you, you lazy fucking cunt? Everyone goes poo poo and pee pee! Why should someone else have to do it?
Slave to the vibe! Not just as good as Slave to the Wage by Placebo. Come on Dane, take this ho (!) down.
Baldwin and Vinnie are both duplicitous because they smarm up to her whilst stabbing her in the back in private. At least Dame told her to her face that she was rude and obnoxious. He didn't exactly 'destroy her' as promised, though. It was more of a mild maligning.
Eau de Kat! The malady lingers on.
Steph has clocked that Baldwin is 'game-planning' as the idiot contestants normally say. She's not wrong.
Baldwin sounded like he was on some nature documentary eyeing up the various talents of Alex.
The half-time talk was weird.
Stephanie's hair-piece reminds me of something a chav would buy from the 99p store and wear on the Jeremy Kyle show (second mention of the night). Oh Alex, please give it up with the 'morals of teenage society' bullshit. You're THIRTY FOUR.
Urgh Steph is so up herself! How do you think people survive who don't know how to make a meal? Very easily, they live on toast, crisps and chocolate, you stupid idiot. Have you never heard of the working classes?
Haha Dame vs Sov was tragic! I'm surprised no one pulled out 'my dad's bigger than your dad'. Vinnie sits peering at the manual! Enabler!
That's not a hamper, it's a shoe box. Jesus was soon forgotten in the scrum for the Daddies sauce. Aw, Alex had to pretend not to be more excited by mustard than the Bible.
OK so there's a key in the box; is anyone going to have a look for a keyhole? Anyone? Thought not.
Jonas is such an exhibitionist! He looked like a kid who forgot his PE kit in that outfit. I don't think I'd be that happy about him wandering around like that, but he's just looking for attention, so why give him it?!
Stephanie's face when Sov got evicted. This means NOTHING about how we feel about you, love.
Yay Sov heckled the crowd right back! That's exactly what I'd do. Sov, you came across like an utter cockspank in that interview. I didn't expect anything less. Your finest moment was sitting in a drawer. Well done.
At least I don't have to write the word 'Sov' anymore.
Speed noms! I'll do speed blogging of it.
Alex: anti-american- Sisqo! No love for the Dame! (Translation: he sees both as threats)
Dame: Ivana impression! Stevie B- STFU.
I like them adding up the noms as they go along. It helps me.
Ivana: Jonas naked hate (no hate for naked Alex). Stephen's getting a couple. Good!
Jonas: Revenge! Ivana in the loo! Disturbing Basshunter's poo-poo/ wank-fest. He doesn't like Sisqo either. Sisqo is ace!
Nicola: Stephen (thank fuck, can we get rid of him now!) Ivana: faffer!
All foreigners in the top three so far! Racist!
Sisqo: Ivana- bossy! Alex: bullying Stephen?! How about Vinnie bullying Alex?!!!
Stephanie: Stephen: camp! Ivana! OMG! I thought they were BFFs! Take that knife with you, I think Myleene Klass wants it back.
Stephen: Nicola T... that ship has sailed, Steve B. Dame Bowers. Nooooo. Not our Dame. Stephen's noms were the funniest.
Vinnie: please nominate yourself. Sisqo! Why all the hate for Sisqo? Threat! Threat! Threat! Alex. Aw, poor Alex.
All foreign eviction! Despite all my Steve B bashing, I'd like to see Ivana go as she's pointless. At least loony tunes gives us some good footage. Unfortunately, I think it will be our Lord and Saviour, Mr. Stephen Baldwin.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: That's hot, dog

Dane is going to be in the bad books with Jordan when he gets out! Isn't he meant to be her friend? It's a bit mean sitting there casting aspersions. Alex is a loveable prat. Vinnie is just a prat.
Sov is fucking with the egg allocation! Vinnie is slipping her an egg on the side! He'll make her pay for that later.
Why is Baldwin backing Sov's naughtiness up? The 'uneducated example of intelligence' sounds like a seriously backhanded compliment. I appreciate Dame standing up for what's right; no one backed him.
Vinnie is constantly influencing nominations! He gets away with murder.
It was interesting to hear Sov talk about her relationships at last. I don't think she's that comfortable discussing it.
Nominations. Perhaps Stephen just had an itchy bum when he was wiggling his bits at Nicola. Sov: 'Ivana treats me like a kid.' That's because you behave like one.
Aw, Sisqo is jealous that Ivana favours Alex over him! I liked his reason for nominating Nicola for mentioning her boyfriend to much.
Ivana nominated Joanne (!) for getting naked! But Alex did the same thing and she was all over it! That is out of order. You shouldn't be able to have a hypocrisy vote.
All this 'Sov is appealing to her audience' is total bullshit, she's just a little brat, she's not masterminding some anarchic plan. Alex's vote for Sisqo was a cop out, too.
What catalogues is Ivana buying her clothes from!? Littlewoods?
Vinnie's vote for Alex was such a cop out too; because he eats too much?! That's NOT why. Admit it. He also didn't nominate Sov! Interesting.
Was surprised Nicola was up, I don't think she's that bad. Baldwin's campaign against her has worked! Not much love for the women in that house at the moment.
I don't think Ivana would mind if Alex was changing his clothes 10 times a day. She's really got it in for Jonas. Stephanie going on about who's a 'real' celebrity is just another way for her to be a snob. I'm really getting tired of her attitude now. I wouldn't like to be a have-not in that house with her lording it over me.
Poor Stephen's wife; putting her trust in God and being stuck with that idiot. I could shoot his arguments down in about five seconds flat. He's been lucky with those housemates this year that they let him get away with so much, either through ignorance or apathy.
Vinnie acts like wants Sov to go constantly; and then went to Nicola 'I didn't think it would be you' after he voted for her. Sneaky.
Fag-gate! The others are enjoying it a little too much. I don't like Jonas's coat much.
'Jonas is sniffing Katia's pillow.' Nice.
Vinnie is such a stirrer, I can't STAND it! Will the LGBT community be backing Sov? Ooh, the lesbians hate the bi's! Dame Bowers knows! His word is final.
Liked Alex considering becoming Ivana's fancy piece.
Basshunter is being taken for a ride! Vinnie is watching that situation eagle-eyed. Stephanie's right, he is a sucker.
So who will leave? Sov will go, right, because she's annoyed more people? Surely the mythical 'fanbase' doesn't really exist?
Considering it was nominations, that episode was pretty dull. So they are to blame for the fact there's not one single joke in my blog. Sorry.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: I'd have been upset giving them titties up too

Watched a bunch of Sov prattling on the live feed last night and basically saw her dig her own grave. Just because you survived one eviction, doesn't mean you have a 'fan-base'. It doesn't even have to mean you're liked. She also turned up her chavometer to eleven, and just came across like the kind of idiot you'd cross the street to avoid, not through any sort of fear, but just heartfelt embarrassment.
Anyway, on with the show. It's the Steph and Vinnie hour again! God, Steph is is so vile in the way she speaks about people: 'Sov is not the quality of human being I want to speak to'- did she not pass the etiquette test? Such snobbery! Just say you don't like her, don't denounce her like that. LOL to Vinnie tripping over the couch. Silly bugger.
Kat's last ditch snuggle was rather sad. I'm sorry to see her go, because I like romance in the house, even if it's fauxmance. I'm a sucker.
Vinnie's kitchen tyranny is getting excessive. 'Standards have dropped'! Cop yourself on, man. You're in a game show, not the army.
I wish I could sleep through anything like Heidi! I definitely couldn't sleep through that alarm.
Nicola: 'is it back on?' Oh god, she's so unsubtle. She's a disaster if you're trying to engage in some subterfuge in there.
Dane reminiscing on his Another Level days! You weren't that good. Didn't you do 'let me lick you up and down til you say stop'? STOP!
Why does Sov even have to ask if she can eat an egg? Who put Vinnie in charge? Watching the way he and Steph are going on makes me ALMOST glad Sov stayed just to wind them up.
Do we have to look so closely at Sov's boobs? They aint all that. She's NOT sexy. Mind you, nor is Nicola T. There's very little eye candy for either sex in that house this year. And it's a very white, old, straight house. Where's the trannies? Even the cross-dressers are being forced to pray! It's bullshit.
Fuck me, are we still going on about that corned beef? Sov is a spoilt little dick. She's just a useless human being, it's tiring. Who saved her? The trouble is, I hate the opposing side, too!
Oh I'm so relieved that Vinnie is back in his rightful place in the kitchen! We can all sleep tonight!
Yeah you are a little div, Nicola, but you don't need to be subservient to Vinnie just because he's a bit of a bully, or has a dick. You're a valid human being too, if only you knew it.
Interesting hearing Ivana talk about her marriage. It's quite a 'grown-up' Big Brother this year, isn't it? I guess they worked out the audience is all about 30 now.
Vinnie, stop being a food monitor. What IS Steph's problem with Sov? Not ONE redeeming quality? Come on! I don't like her, but that's a bit strong. She's not a nasty person, she's just immature. Again, getting gladder Sov stayed just to wind her up!
Bye Kat. I'll miss your little hair flower. Wow, they started slating her the second she left (especially Vinnie). Real nice. Poor Jonas. She didn't sleep in the bed with him, she just gave him a cud in the morning. Oh Vinnie, just shut the fuck up! You're a cunt! Can't they all just show some sensitivity? Ha, I like Sisqo, he's funny.
Heidi: 'I'm gonna win this thing.' Cut to her walking out the door.
I don't blame Sov for celebrating when she stayed in. I think anyone would have. She did do well to see of Heidi, who was a strong character. I think general convention is you all congratulate the person on staying. No such luck here!
Steph and Vinnie were just staring daggers at her. What gay card is coming out? DOES it have a rainbow on it? What 'peoples' are supporting Sov, the underage-lesbian chav society? It's hard to feel sympathy for either side. It's just like a wanker-flavoured sandwich. Sov shouldn't be such a tool, and they should be a bit more grown up. Problem solved.
Oh God, not more Basshunter songs. Come on Ivana, rave it up in your big furry coat. Her dancing ruled! I like Ivana, she has a bit of fun. Oh god, that thong-thong-thong-thong!
Jonas makes me cringe. His heart isn't so much on his sleeve as splattered all over his face.
No, Stephanie, the audience don't like antagonism. And (hopefully) that's why Vinnie won't win it. Anyone to win over him. Even Baldwin!
Vinnie is stirring up hate against Sov! And trying to influence nominations. Put him up! He looks like a fucking market trader in that hat, which let's be honest, is what he should be. He's just one lucky talentless bastard.
Basshunter and Sov missing Kat already! Funny. Oh God, Jonas, get a grip, you're really making a twat of yourself. You deserve a lot better! More falling over! Hehe.
Oh, here's a bit of what I saw last night with Sov drunkenly talking about herself for an hour or two. I swear, Sisqo was trying to help her and she just wasn't listening.
If I was the battle, baby you have won the war- it's the wisdom of Courtney. Ha, they cut out the bit after Sisqo said 'david and goliath' and Sov went 'that's where I bought my pajama bottoms from'. I have the same pajama bottoms as her but I don't want to wear them right now, she's put me right off 'em. Bad advertisement!
What did we learn tonight? Not much we didn't already know.

Dont watch: Popstar to Operastar

Popstar to operastar! Just as good as American Idol, honest. HA!
Disclaimer: I'm not actually watching this for real, I just thought I'd watch the first one and take the piss. I might end up loving it, but Alan 'ratatatatatah' Titchmarsh and Myleene Klass say otherwise. Who would put those two in charge of running a show? Alone, they have zero charisma. Together, it's a chemistry car-crash. Under no circumstances leave these two in the same room again. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I have a confession to make about Alan Titchmarsh; I thought he was Tony Blackburn up until yesterday. Do they both have daytime TV shows? I don't know. Either way; they're both useless. Ah, Titchmarsh has gone for the Stephen Baldwin 'greased-back' hair look. Is this making a comeback amongst unpopular, overweight middle-aged men or mere coincidence? Myleene is wearing a bit of old curtain. She's as smug and unlikeable as ever.
Katherine 'e-head' Jenkins and someone called Orlando (not Bloom) are the shows 'mentors'. Katherine looks like a Disney princess, but I can't really take her seriously since I saw that News of the World video of her gurning her face off. She must miss it, those raver days, staring into the Klass /Titchmarsh void.
So, who are the contestants, I hear you ask (come on, get involved). Meatloaf! He would do anything for love, oh whatever (I'm still sure it was anal). Laurence Lewellyn Bowen? Hold on, he's not a popstar. He picks out cushions! Oh, hold on, he DJs on Classic FM. OH! Meatloaf and LLB are the JUDGES. This is weird.
OK, now HERE are the contestants. First, Jimmy Osmond. He's not the good one, is he? He's like the Stephen Baldwin of the Osmonds. He looks happy-clappy, like he's going to try and sell you some life insurance. I don't really want to look at him, to be honest.
How am I meant to tell if the singing is good? I don't really understand opera singing, I'm under 50. I'll just go back to castigating personalities.
Meatloaf's first comment was 'that dog was hunting.' Has he gone all Randy Jackson? Talking of American Idol, did you see it? POSH! You scrawny old scrote. She looked like she was trying to arrange her facial expressions to look as unself-conscious as possible; so much so she forgot to give any advice whatsoever. Plus, she failed. She looked awkward and desperate. Get off my screen, you useless old twig. I miss Paula!
I digress. Kym Marsh is next. Does she even still speak to Myleene? Myleene, step away from the kitchen knives. I like Kim Marsh. She seems normal in personality and has a woman's figure. Her voice sounded pretty good to me. This opera singing lark is a piece of piss. Hmm, the old Hearsay crew did seem a bit frosty, like Myleene was trying a bit too hard and Kym couldn't really be fucked with her. But I could be talking out of my arse.
Myleene: 'And for the next contestant, from Blur, who else, Alex James!' Er... Damon Albarn? He was the singer, after all! Alex James was just a smug cunt on bass, as opposed to the smug super-cunt of a lead singer. So he's definitely at a disadvantage, considering he can't sing in the first place. This will be a good chance for all those Orange Unsigned acts to get their revenge on him (he was a judge on it!)
It loathes me to say it but he's not looking too bad for his age, despite all the cheese. He's still working the floppy fringe. He's definitely thinner than when I saw him at the filming of the unsigned show. Maybe he's been on the LowLow.
Alex: 'I'm not giving up the day job'. What is your day job exactly? You're not in Blur anymore. You're just a rich twat making cheese. Just admit it. Actually, he does admit it, I saw him on Cribs once and he was quite proud of it, he was helping run the annual cheese awards, or something. It was bizarre.
OMG! That performance was the funniest thing ever! Alex is the Jedward/Chico of this show! He's got this maniac look in his eye and he's playing air guitar! WTF?! How to blow what very, very little cool you had in one massive swoop! The audience were all laughing at him! Lololololololololololol x a billion! If this is on youtube, look it up immediately, I implore you.
Myleene: 'He lives in a house in the country!' Alex, you have officially sold out. Ta-ra!
Next up is the woman from Shakespeare's Sister! I used to have their album on tape and I used to cane it, but if you'd asked me yesterday, I would not have been able to name that big hit they had (Stay). It's weird how some things just fall out of your brain: I can remember every word of Ugly Kid Joe's 'I Hate Everything About You' (!) Shakespeare's sister has got a turkey neck. I like her hair, though.
Alan Tichmarsh just spoke! He's not said a word for about 45 minutes. Is he getting paid for this shit?
Next is Danny Jones from McFly. I think he's the one who shagged Lindsay Lohan. I should know, he goes on about it often enough in all the low rent magazines I read. He looked like he was going to laugh the whole way through his song. Shame he wasn't as funny as Alex James. Christ this dude is ugly. Can he really be in a boy band? Oh there's the other one in the audience. I take it all back, Danny looks like R.Pattz in comparison.
Talking of bands with no charisma, next is someone from The Saturdays. I've never heard one of their songs. Six top ten singles? And I've not heard one! I am getting old. WOW, she's got a lot of make-up on.
OMG, Darius! Now we're talking. I love Darius. He looks old! That makes me feel old. He looks like he should be sitting by a bar smoking cigarettes and drinking shots in some black and white film. He was quite good actually! Go, Darius! Nessan Dorma it up. Don't crawl up the judges arse, Darius. Meatloaf, sit down, you're making a show of yourself. £50 says Kathryn's not sitting next to him next week. Wow, that Orlando guy has got some amazing eyebrows.
Shit this show is endless. I wonder if opera fans are watching this bemoaning the state of the songs they've chosen. 'Oh, not this one again...'
Last up is Bernie Nolan, who's not the one off Loose Women. Zzzzz. Another turkey neck, but be fair, she's probably about 80.
So in the bottom two were Alex and The Saturdays twonk. And they ditched Alex! Folly. A million unsigned bands cheer. Alex looked quite gutted. He was sent home with a bunch of flowers. You can't make cheese out of that.
Christ, I feel like I've just through about five hours of that. It was epic, and not in a good way. So will I be watching again? Absolutely not! It was total bullshit, and Alex is out, so what's the point? You don't kick out your Jedward. You keep your Jedward until week 6! I'm off for some cheese. Not really, I don't eat cheese! Blap-blergh-bleh, as Morrissey would say. When's Big Brother on?

Celebrity Big Brother 7: It's like an AA meeting

Corned beef legs for the last time! I wish it wasn't a double eviction tonight as I only want Baby Sovereign to go. But thems the breaks, as Molko whined.
I think Dame Bowers in quite well liked in that house. It's often the way that someone who's dull viewing is actually a useful foil in the house. I think he's treading on Vinnie's toes a bit. I'd like to see him beat Vinnie, that'd give everyone a shake up. I don't think that's gonna happen, though.
Vinnie Jones is NOT as famous as OJ. Even if Vinnie murdered his wife, he'd still be a tedious bonehead. The corned beef was 'a turning point'! Brandon Flowers would have something to say about that.
Vinnie, you're a control freak! Kitchen wars are tedious. Bring back Science! He knew how to finish an argument by repeating the same statement for three hours on end- d'ya get me? Sisqo and Dame perving on Steph was funny.
What is macheesemo?! Baldwin is OK in the diary room. He is charasmatic, he's just cuntismatic too. Will Dame take on Vinnie? I wouldn't bet on it, but he is running his mouth a bit more this week.
Ham watch! Nicola has marked your card, Stephanie. Can't believe Vinnie got no votes last week, he's definitely going to be up for eviction next week.
Vinnie wagging Nicola out! She's an easy target. What is his problem? Vinnie might as well go menace a puppy.
Baldwin's moral dilemma time! I think he lost Alex from the first sentence. Why is Baldwin obsessed with loved ones being murdered? It's more than disturbing. Alex is the new God. All hail. I think Alex might murder Stephen instead, and who could blame him?
Luckily I started watching BB late so I got to forwards through what looked like an excruciating advert.
Kat's back in the Jonas crook! Didn't see that coming. Vinnie is such a wind-up about Alex, it's not nice. He's passive aggressive. Steph is such a patronising cow, too. Nicola is harmless!
Jonas' sex talk was funny! Steph is one stuck-up bitch! I've heard her talk about racy things in there lots of times. Half a year- heh. See what you're missing out on, Kat.
Alex and 'inquisitive mind' don't go hand-in-hand in my head. Is Alex going to give himself to Jesus? Of course Baldwin is supporting you, he's trying to brainwash you, you douche.
I take it Jonas doesn't have the bad jeans on today then. I thought cats didn't like water? Hanky spanky!
The thought of either massaging someone's feet or having my feet massaged makes me want to vomit profusely. I'd kick you in the fucking face. Haha, Kat was so jealous! That was funny. All Bassy needs to do is wind her up a bit. But it's all relative as she's out of here.
What did the voice of God say to Stephen Baldwin? Stop/ or start taking the tablets, I suspect.
Vinnie's piss-taking was pathetic and disrespectful. If he's going to take him down, take him DOWN. Don't do the Alex treatment.
Dane's life motto: everyone's a cunt. Well, everyone he's ever met, anyway.
2nd show! Has Heidi dressed up for the eviction? I doubt it. Don't let the Kat out! Jonas was smirking. I'll miss Kat a bit. Her antics were entertaining and I liked her clothes. Boooooooo! Give 'em the finger.
She only had three nominations, that wasn't that bad. Why are they doing the best bits now? This show is mangled.
Stephanie: 'Our little Russian is just a user'. Ouch!
It must have been hard to watch those clips for her. You could tell she looked nervous. Telling off from Davina! Whatever, Davina, stick it up your arse. I liked Katia's sulky teenager act in the chair. She didn't even get to see her own best bits! Is there even a studio audience? At least there's no eviction panel gobbling up airtime. Another bad idea silently swept under the carpet, like Horne and Corden hosting BBBM.
No way! Can't believe Heidi went over Sov. Sov's an idiot-hole. That is a major fuck-up. Rubbish. Why the fuck is she getting booed? She's cool! Stephanie is going to be GUNNING for Sov! She'll be fuming.
Heidi had it made in there getting people to run around after her. Why have they put all these special effects on the best bits?
'Thank God for abortion'! I forgot about that. Fabulous. Her one-liners were ace. At least she said what everyone was thinking!
'Stephanie's got some issues'- haha! I liked Heidi a lot. She was real. I really can't believe she's gone. Baby Sov; you suck. Get rid.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: Intergalactically, don't say stupid stuff

Fixed my telly today so don't have to watch BB on my laptop anymore. It was just a bit of wiring jiggery-pokery.
Vinnie and Stephanie plotting! What time in the morning are they bitching together? Kat and Jonas weren't under the covers again! The Farting classes! Meow.
Heidi reminds me of Courtney Love a bit and it's not just the lips. She's very straight-up. I agreed with Kat when she said 'you're not going to stay with someone because everyone else likes her'. Alex seemed beleaguered going 'I'm not allowed to talk about this', it made him look pathetic. He is really getting it in the ear, though.
Vinnie giving Sov advice didn't go down so well, did it? She's a lost cause, she's stuck in her little rut. All this crowing about how wonderful Vinnie is sticks in my craw. Alpha male! Zzzzz.
Why is Jonas always dressed up like he's going to a charity ball?
How does denture cream and dildos go together?
Kat's doing her Beavis and Butthead laugh again. Her and Basshunter's conversation topics make that Backyardigans look high brow.
Oh god, Alex hour again! I already saw this on live feed. Alex was sitting very closely to Dane on that couch. Baldwin was keeping tight-lipped on the tri-sexual front. I don't think Alex is bi, he's just faux-gay for pay.
Vinnie's 'I wouldn't go in a film with you for 5 million dollars' is clearly bullshit, as he's sitting in the Big Brother house destroying his questionable credibility with him for how much, 250 grand?
Alex went into analogy hypermode to try and defend himself. Even Dane and Sisqo sticked the knife in.
How is it acceptable to call Alex a 'tossed salad'?! Honestly, Vinnie is obsessed with the cross-dressing thing, why is he so offended by it?
Stephanie calling Vinnie 'dude'!
Is the fauxmance back on?
Why are they asking Vinnie if they can eat corned beef? It's pathetic! Who died and made him dinner lady? He's aggressive! Alpha male just means aggressive arsehole as far as I can see.
Stephanie has had it in for Sov from day one, before her tantrums began. Stephanie just never liked the look of her. 'She doesn't fit in' just sounds nasty.
The aren't showing much diary room footage, are they? Dame Bowers is boring, but he's actually quite nice. Urgh. Nice!
OMG that corned beef looks like fucking cat-food! I'll take the rice and chick peas (vomit).
Dame! Brave to take on Vinnie Moans! Come on Dame, give it to him.
Kat's attitude to washing up was good. At least she put the rubber gloves on, it's more than Heidi does. Vinnie's got a bad back from washing-up! Hard men r us.
Corned-beef gate is getting on my cunt. Oh god, now they're bringing up bean-gate. Save us. I like the oblivion by the younger members of the house.
I think Vinnie is going to marry that welcome pack. I think Alex is a bit of an Ivanker- LOL.
Alex's 'I wasn't going to propose' was blatant bullshit! Vinnie is cruel bringing up the public dumping. Poor Alex, he's getting dragged over the rack and taking it in quite good humour. Alex said TEXTSES! He rocks my world.
The tasks have been really good this year- they have actually been innovative! Vinnie was good in that task; framed picture of Jonas!
I like the way that Big Brother says 'brother'. Why do they need to know how many levels of browning the toaster has in the welcome pack?!
Baldwin will make Vinnie pay for that beer! Make Baldwin drink it, let's see him go on a sex and coke rampage again all spiralling from that.
What evil things has Alex done? Evil is a strong word! Oh my god, prayer time! Alex is so fucking gullible. We really need someone so desperately to take Baldwin on. Do you even believe in god, Alex? Is Jordan going to convert too? What about Princess Tiiami (fact. Peter 'dignified silence' Andre only cut Princesses hair because Jordan had been straightening it! Call social services- she's only about three.)
I'm glad Ivana and Stephanie are getting on. But in general there's too much getting on in that house. Bring on the 'victions!

Celebrity Big Brother 7: Can I make love to my wife?!

8pm! What a load of bollocks. Also, the live feed situation is a joke. They are all ASLEEP at midnight! That one little scrappy hour of live feed they give you in the day is just an insult. I hope the producers are proud of running this show into the ground. I remember in the Helen and Paul days when there was the split screen and we were spoilt for choice and we were waiting for the future when we could literally follow our housemate of choice around (POV for housemates) and electrocute them at night to keep them awake. WHY didn't this happen?! Quentin and Henrietta in charge couldn't even figure out that it might be smarter to have a vote to save instead of a vote to evict when all the major characters were voted off, week after week, year after year. Why aren't I in charge? Amateurs.
OMG Stephen talking about pulling his wife's hair during sex! Gross.
I watched that task in the 30 seconds of live feed in the day yesterday and Vinnie Jones was being a right bossy wanker, which is no surprise as in the live feed today, he was being a bullying homophobe. No doubt he'll win, because the people voting are just as bad.
I want sleepy drink! I need it, I can't sleep wink right now.
I like the fact Ivana keeps calling Vinnie 'Vince'. And Sisqo is still calling Dane 'Dean'.
Lady Sovereign is so pig thick it is almost criminal. Prostitutes should 'go find themselves a boyfriend'. Eh?
OMG what is Alex saying to Kat?! Stay in by getting off with Basshunter again! That's insane. That conversation was so cringeworthy. Who's Johnson? Johnson from Peep Show? Don't bring him into it! He already showed up on Aeon Flux the other night, don't be Kat's next victim, too.
Wow Kat cries! I thought she was an android. 'You don't know anything about it' is such a rubbish line of defence. I think we've got the picture, to be honest.
Vinnie FYI the public couldn't give two shits about a stolen can of beans. It's dull as fuck.
Haha this crossword task is cruel! A pair of tools! LOL. Vinnie gave away that he said that about Kat a bit, didn't he, by answering so fast?!
OMG when they were saying Stephen is a dick that was hilarious! This task is ace- like vintage! Nicola: 'I called him a knob!' People suggesting the different insulting answers was brilliant.
Haha 'no one said beware the ides of nicky', Stephen: 'I said it!' Hahahaha! Fantastic.
Aw when they're all like 'don't re-read it'. The damage is done, folks.
Sov getting upset about her hair. Sov, your hair IS shit. You're 24. Grow up. And coming from me, that's RICH, so it must be true.
Dame Bowers was upset that Sov might have slighted his haircut. Come on, Dame, you aint rocking anything THAT good up there.
LOL at Nicola not knowing how to spell 'knob' and Stephen smirking at her. Gold!
Uh-oh Dane chatting about Kat when she was in the room! Ouch! He aint spoken for a week, then when he unleashes the bile, she was right there! Don't you just hate it when that happens! The feeling in your stomach of utter dread is just unsurpassed! More so if it's your boss!
It was quite good tonight, I must say. Kat's going to go this week. Beware the ides of Exitainment!

E20: (Eastenders written by Lady Sovereign for a task)

Do you know what this is? It's Eastenders online spin-off show trying to appeal to the yoof. It aint on telly, right, blud? You can watch it on your phone, innit? Except you can't, because I tried.
OK two people have told me to blog this, so I am, but only because it's only 15 minutes long, so I don't have to suffer unduly. But my unbiased *ahem* opinion is that this will be the only one I watch.
Oh, they've put a drum machine over the theme music. It's like when they changed the Blue Peter theme tune. Talk about diluting the brand.
I'm already annoyed by that girl with the blue hair being in the real Eastenders; so it doesn't bode well. Oh yeah, she's called Zsa Zsa, like Jar-Jar Binks, right? The hair, the name, it's just all so contrived. Just because something's 'for kids' doesn't mean you have to patronise them. They have brains, too.
What is with the awful background music signifying peril? I guarantee you, they will slip that into the real Eastenders before too long. This is a slippery slope. You read it here first.
Oh Christ, this bit about Fatboy and Mercy is truly awful. This makes me pine for Glenda Jackson and Archie Mitchell.
'What you screw-facing me for?' What? Did I say 'only 15 minutes'? Listening to Fatboy going on like some idiot standing in front of you in Dallas Chicken changing his order repeatedly is actually unbearable. 'Yeah, gimme thigh, gimme thigh, nah gimme breast!' Fuck off!
They just said 'whore'! This isn't suitable for kids. That one who shagged Lucy Beale is quite handsome, he looks like he should be in a computer game. Very well-spoken for Albert Square, though.
Why are Zainab and Mo even featuring in this piece of offal? Did they get danger money?
Fatboy to Masood: 'What's up Slumdog?' Racist! And that's coming from me, who just made that Dallas Chicken analogy.
Fatboy's friendship with Manga boy felt about as natural and comfortable viewing as when the cunt from G4 (sorry, that didn't narrow it down, the BLONDE one) tried to chum up to Harvey from So Solid Crew on Celebrity Come Dine With Me by donning some 'bling' and doing a rap. Not cool.
Why is Amira's flat so nice? What does she do for a living anyway? Fuck all as far as I can see. Big up Christian!
Fuck me, that was excruciating, like ten billion times worse than I'd even imagined. And that's BAD. I would definitely avoid it. No, in fact you should have to suffer it as I did, it's only fair.