Sunday, 25 March 2012

Film: Hit so hard

I went to see the documentary Hit So Hard at the British Film Institute tonight which told the story of Hole drummer Patty Schemel. I laughed at the blurb which said something like 'while egomaniac front woman Courtney drew the attention the more interesting story was happening elsewhere with Patty'. Even the person who wrote that must have giggled a bit. Are drummers ever interesting? Well maybe not, but her story is. The stuff about her sexuality was interesting and her mum was amazing! She was hilarious. They didn't dwell too much on her back story though, the lifeblood of the documentary was the Hole story.
I didn't realise Patty was such good friends with Kurt and lived with Kurt and Courtney in this strange tree-house place! All that footage was really interesting, and was very intimate and personal. It seems quite relevant I watched this today because I had a teeny Kurt vs Courtney spat with a friend of mine on Facebook this week and he said 'Kurt was my hero'. Well, Kurt was my hero, too, once. And some of the footage in this documentary would truly break your heart. There were so many interesting parts. I loved old 'ugly' Courtney with Kurt and baby Frances; I love seeing her how she was, her real beauty. But it's so weird when you see a baby in that environment when people are obviously on drugs and it's frightening and incongruous, and then you think of how it all turned out and it's just wholly depressing. I loved Kurt too, he was truly beautiful, and it's just another heartbreak on my list, which is why I make fun of him a bit now, because he hurt me when he killed himself (I know it wasn't a personal attack on me, but it was a tough time of my life and it felt like it then!) I do wonder what Frances thinks of it all. It must be hell for her.
I wasn't expecting the documentary to be so heartbreaking either: the death or Kurt and Hole bassist Kristen Pfaff was really harrowing (I liked Courtney being indignant that all the 'death attention' was on Kurt like it was some competition). Sounds like Kristen died from the Amy Winehouse treatment; she was trying to get off drugs, and then when she went back to them, her body couldn't cope.
And then there's the crossover with your own life: I was at that Reading in 1994 after Kurt died: I saw Courtney self-destruct and she was my idol because I'd watched my life self-destruct two years before. And my friends weren't on heroin or crack but one of us could easily have died on one of our Fisher Price versions of drugs when I was a teenager. It just takes a bit of bad luck or one one night that goes on too long.
And that's why you never get over the music of your teens because it is intrinsically linked to every vital adult emotion you'll ever feel: love, heartbreak, ecstasy and death. And that's when you feel all of them for the first time and it stays with you.
I always have this dismissive attitude to 'band members': it's like the way I am with Johnny Marr- without Morrissey there's no Johnny Marr, therefore who gives a fuck about Johnny Marr? Johnny Marr and Mike Mogis are just window dressing, and they're part writers. A drummer? They're less than that. But I have to backtrack on this a little now, because I understood watching this documentary that a band is a band of brothers (or sisters) and aren't interchangeable like the Sugababes with replaceable heads. The bit where Courtney ditched Patty from Celebrity Skin and put a LOOKALIKE in the video was truly jaw-dropping. And the way Eric and Melissa sat on the fence was shameful: it was like Jade Goody vs Shilpa Shetty all over again.
A word on the other band members then: Melissa still looks beautiful. Eric Erlandson looks like he's died of AIDS and just looked in the mirror at his own ghost. Honestly, he looks seriously ill. And Patty? Well, she looks pretty much the same as ever. But she's off the crack, so thank god for that. When she basically admitted she sold herself to get crack when she was homeless it was truly shocking. She was extremely brave and honest to admit that. I love the fact she called Courtney for help: that must have been hard. Especially as it was partly Courtney's fault. But I liked Courtney trying to get Patty off drugs in Hawaii and clearly being off her face herself.
I thought this might be one of those documentaries where Courtney would have banned Patty from playing any Hole tunes (let's face it, she bans every fucking thing) but actually Courtney featured quite prominently and amusingly (she was either high or pissed out of her face and appeared to be eating some sort of biscuits throughout - my boyfriend would have gone mad if he'd been there as she was talking with her mouth full at one point).
I liked the bits where Patty and Mellisa were almost in code talking about Courtney going off on one and how they took refuge in each other. And I liked Courtney's indignation at her dress getting ripped off in the crowd, like what did she expect from those animals? A cuddle?
Anyway the really cool part was that Patty came on at the end for a Q&A. Me and my friend John didn't dare ask our respective questions (mine was: what do you think of the current incarnation of Hole?) but the questions asked were all really interesting and she was very gracious and funny about Courtney and said she saw Dave Grohl at a 5-year-old's birthday party recently and he was moaning about getting old and having a bad back.
It's funny seeing everyone there of a 'certain age' ie. my age, all clinging to the past. You just feel part of something. And I left the house and saw the bright lights of the South Bank. Excitements.
Patty came across as thoroughly decent, honest, wise and forgiving. She seems to have found her happiness at last and it wasnt on 'heroin island'. You cant really say fairer than that. It's not easy to get off hard drugs and that must be respected. And it can't be easy to work with Courtney and come out the other side. So good on her. I wrote this blog on my phone on the tube, which is very unlike me, but I wanted to get my thoughts in some sort of order about it. I didn't expect it to affect me so personally, but it did. I thoroughly recommend this doc if you're a Hole fan and there's one more showing at the BFI on Tues, so get down there.
I also saw some of my old kittyradio crew down there, but that's another story. PS: I'm not dead!

Saturday, 24 March 2012

The Voice UK: Your lips are mad clean

'It doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear'. That's lucky with these jokers on the panel. The Voice USA is a triumph. I have a feeling this is going to be an embarrassment. The BBC don't do this type of show well. Although I liked Fame Academy. Specifically Ainslie.
Four of the biggest names in music? I don't even know what one of these people is called. 'Danny O Donna-who?' said my boyfriend. I predict that joke will have been done approximately 4843874387387282137 times on Twitter by the time I post this blog. I don't look at Twitter whilst I do my blogs, btw, mainly because I don't watch shows live. But also because I can think of my own bad jokes. Well, either me or the boyfriend can.
I am really appalled by choice of judges for this show. Three men and only one woman: well, goes without saying. Hateful sexist scumbag Tom Jones - who sleeps with women other than his wife and just expects her to put up with it - is so out of touch that I doubt if he could tell Rhianna from a wrist watch. Jessie J is so insincere she makes Fearne Cotton look friendly, and her music is pure piffle. I'd like to comment on DOD from the Script but I know nothing about him. I can only assume they got him cheap as fuck.
Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. If he's a sex bomb, I'm painting myself with Kevlar and hiding in Obama's suitcase. And even then, I'm scared. Can you imagine him waving it at you, all orange with those grey pubes. Sorry, I just vomited in my lap.
I've got a feeling! That tonight's gonna be a good night. When will they learn with this fucking song? Frankie Cocozza should have put that fucker to bed long ago. Why aren't they singing one of The Script's ditties? OMG this is proper embarassing. I reckon Will Young refused to sing this song and was thrown from the panel straight onto the Question Time set.
Every time Jessie J speaks my boyfriend goes 'huh!' because she always does it in her turgid songs. Huh!
Don't know why Reggie Yates is on this show. Holly could do it easily on her own. Oh God, it's like when Pointless first started and they had to explain the rules 10 billion times over. It's not that difficult. They've got their backs to the acts. They press the button if they like the Voice. End of, as Saskia from Big Brother would have said. God, my references are more out of date than Tom Jones's.
Imagine being patronised by Jessie J. On TV. They should put up Samaritans number at the end, the humiliation is so great. I'd rather be spat on by Cher Lloyd or hit on by Kirk Norcross.
I always imagine an American person watching the UK versions of their shows and crying with laughter. London Ink, for example. Honestly, we haven't got a clue. Endemol shows should be all about sex and drama and twists and fakery. This is just a bunch of old farts sitting in chairs. I can see that in my own living room, even when the TV's broken.
The best bit about the US version is all the judges gurning at each other. They have quite good chemistry, too. Christina is a drunken mess and charming, Cee Lo is a big cuddly bear, and even that twat from Maroon 5 is entertaining because he's such a doofus. The country one isn't worth mentioning as you haven't heard of him and I suspect he can't remember his own name.
The first contender is doing a Jessie J song. She's not going 'huh!' though. Huh fail. is annoying because you have to write those dots in his name. Every journalist on the planet must despise him for that. I shall just go the Daily Mail route and call him Mr. Adams instead. That's not the ONLY reason Mr Adams is annoying, though. He's got an annoying face. His eyes are a bit far apart. He wears annoyingly bright clothes. He's mates with the hateful Cheryl Cole. He helped make Fergie and her appalling 'humps' famous.
What songs is Tom Jones gonna give people to sing? Some Catatonia bullshit? Who on earth is going to pick this Script dude? What contacts does he have? He doesn't even have enough nous to make HIMSELF famous! Scrapt!
Bloke from Five: still shit.
I like the contestant named 'Samuel Buttery'. What a fantastic name. Do you think his mum's called 'Utterly'? He's got the best voice so far. I wonder why no one else turned around except for that disgusting toad-faced Welsh sex-creep? I'd hate having to cow-tow to that disgusting leery old pig.
My TV is strobing and it's doing my fucking head in. I'm going to put my foot through it in a second. As if this isn't torture enough? My TV strobes during Pointless, too, all the license paying channels. Thank fuck I gave up watching Eastenders. Don't come round mine if you're an epileptic.
Alopecia times! I thought Jessie J said it wasn't all about the sob stories. Mind you, she said it wasn't about the money, money, money, either. That contestant looks better with her scarf off. Some people suit a bald head. Surely Jessie J is wearing a wig, anyway? What... that's her real hair? Mentalz.
Push the button... don't push the button. I love all the gimmicks. I like the thrones. Where the fuck is Holly Willoughby?
That guy who did Oasis was dull as fuck. Mr. Adams has 'cats he hangs out with at home that live and eat music.' Mine live and eat Hi-Life tuna and salmon.
Tom Jones, stop name-dropping, you're worse than Courtney Love and Michael Masden combined. I don't think Master Adams can really use Michael Jackson as a successful case-study of his career highlights.
Jessie J mouthing the words to 'Come Together'. Fab Macca must be proud. This contestant isn't bad looking. Insert 'come together' joke here. He's got an amp, a guitar. Must be a real musician, then.
Has anyone picked DOD from the Script yet? Ooh, this guy just did. Sucker. DOD can't even name drop Louis Walsh, and he's Irish.
I like Mr Adam's comfy place in hell analogy 'next to a hot rock'. Is these the pearls of wisdom he's guiding Tweedy's career with? Just as good as being on X Factor USA with Simon Cowell, right?
This guy doing Elton John has a good voice. He's super camp. Did Jessie J just say, 'Your lips are mad clean'? What the fuck does THAT mean? She's making me pine for Tulisa's banal commentary. FYI I prefer the blonde, fun blow-jobby Tulisa to the stick-up-her-arse dressed-20-years-too-old-for-her-age Tulisa on X Factor. God, I hope Jessie J doesn't have a sex tape. HUH! Can you imagine a Tom Jones sex tape. Huh... huh... huh.... bluh!
This person called Twinilee is pretty. She looks like a model. Shit, I thought she was good. I'm surprised no one turned for her. That guy who did Train was quite good, too. Ones I like never go through.
Judges really need to work on their gurning. I also don't like the stupid subtitles when they do their chatter and fake button pushing.
I like this last girl's t-shirt. She's doing Jessie J; note the 'huh's! What a horrible song. She has got a good voice, though. Good legs, too. I think she's going to pick Monsieur Adamz. Jessie J's got screw-face. Mind you, it's quite hard to tell the difference from usual. She's got a face like a paving slab.
To be fair: this show wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a car crash, but it was reasonably slick. The hosts seemed like they were hidden in a cupboard and even the disgusting Jones didn't make my skin crawl as much as expected. I'll give it another coupla weeks.
I'm going to try watching BGT but I can't face blogging it. Walliams is a good choice for a judge but it makes me angry that Simon will preside over that old crap but won't drag his man-tits over here for the UK X Factor. He's a lot better at picking singers than grannies with dancing dogs. He's wasted on this show. Come home, Simon. I miss your grinchly ways.
Right, I think that's my word count for the night sorted. Have a good one.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

The Apprentice: Print knobs

I normally hate it when people tinker with the format of shows, but boy does The Apprentice need a shake up. It's like a recurring dream you can't wake up from. I so badly want Alan Sugar's head to start spinning around or for Nick just start machine gunning them all like in Robocop. Why can't they kill one from the losing team each week? Or at least maim them?
I'm not even going to comment on the stupid stuff they are scripted to say at the start, except to say 'I'm blonde so people underestimate me' is truly pathetic and embarrassing to women as a statement. If people are underestimating you because of a hair colour, that aint your only problem. It's self-hatred.
Obviously the best bit is where they pick the team names. We've come up with the Wildcats and the Renegades. Let's see what shit they sick up.
I think Alan's been on the whiskey: 'if I wanted a friend I'd get a dog', 'I want you to be the Marks to my Spencer' and 'we're not playing Where's Wally'. Has he ever actually watched his own show before? It's less 'Where's Wally' than 'Kill every single last one of them.'
Did someone actually just say 'I'm like Marmite, you'll either love me or you'll hate me.' Just shoot that bitch now, do the planet a favour. JUST SAYING!
There wasn't enough arguing about the team names in my opinion. Is the girls' team name Sterling or Stirling? No matter. No one was keen to be team leader, were they? I think Karren (her spelling) Brady has been taking screwface lessons from that new copper in Coronation Street.
I got distracted for about 15 minutes there because I'm addicted to this new app Draw Some or Draw something, which sounds stupider). Must pay attention to this boring programme that everyone loves and has told me to blog.
Lord Sugar: 'you couldn't get nothing simpler than this'. LEARN TO FUCKING SPEAK.
It makes me laugh when people talk about working 'in the field'. When I worked at Save the Children 'in the field' meant Ethiopia or Haiti or DRC, not going to the fucking zoo.
Bilyana's giving Alan a bit of backchat. She's going to get the finger.
The only way to make using the word 'key' worse into a sentence is to say 'I'm a key member.' You might as well just say I'm an enormous prick.
'I'm not here to win a popularity contest': almost as stupid a thing to say as 'I'm not here to make friends.' I just don't think I can stand the cliches anymore. 'It doesn't take a brain surgeon...' AERJHRJHEFESKJFDSKJDFSKJDFSKJDFKJFKJREUGIITRGI I can't stand it! 'Too long in the tooth!' erhjgfjkerjewkjlefwkjf54jiogtiijorgrkwjag;tes One more cliche and this blog stops HERE!
'I've got a small voice' - it doesn't fucking sound like it, you foghorn.
RESOOOOMAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Oh just stab me now. I can't take it. I can't TAKE IT.
'I was made head girl'. Oh Christ. Did you get a swimming ribbon at school, too? 'Bring out the violin'. I can't watch this again. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I tried and I failed. I tried and I failed, oh Jeane.
Someone went home. I don't care who. I'm sorry. You're on your own with this one, folks. I'm out! See you on Saturday for my annihilation of the UK version Voice. And if you thought cliches make me angry, wait and see what I've got up my sleeve to say about Tom Jones.

Monday, 12 March 2012

My Phone Sex Secrets

Here's my phone sex secret; after I left university and no one would employ me, I saw an ad in the paper for phone sex line work, and sent off for the application form. I've still got the application form somewhere but it was enough to put me off. You had to create an elaborate character for yourself and grin and bear it when men were disgusting animals. I had neither the spine nor the vocabulary for it.
It's a bit like volunteering for Samaritans, which I've toyed with; I don't actually have the balls to be on the coal-face, one to one with the uncensored reality of suicide or spunk (and sometimes the two aren't that far apart). I'm not cut out for it. It's customer service, really, isn't it? I can't say 'have a nice wank.' I'd just want to laugh.
And for phone sex at £8 an hour, it wasn't worth it. But I admire those who are ballsy enough to do it. I like the fact the girls on this programme are having a laugh with it, and basically taking the piss out of men. It's acting, I suppose, but I'm not great at acting.
I love the fact they're all doing mundane stuff around the house or in the supermarket taking these calls. I love the housewife who's all matter-of-fact and painting the wall whilst the bloke jerks off. Her accent is so unsexy, too, she's like someone off Corrie or something, it's so British.
I'm not sure I even consider this 'sex work'; you don't have to touch anyone or emotionally commit. It seems more like a game and quite harmless.
I like the dominatrix one and how she's so polite at the end. I kind of feel like she shouldn't be giving away all her secrets like about the sound effects and stuff. She's ruining the mystery! I wanted more of that stuff though, like squishy noises and clanking about. I like the charade.
I understand the point about it skewing your view of men, but if you don't know that the majority of men are sex-obsessed then you don't know much. Men masturbate: and so do women. There; the world didn't end at that revelation.
If I did have the balls to do it, or was desperate enough, I wouldn't have a problem doing sex chat whilst in a relationship. It's not cheating. It's not a relationship. It's a paid fantasy.
I thought it was a bit weird when the woman met a client and started dating him though; surely that's against every rule in the book and something of a safety risk? Mind you, is it any different to meeting someone online? I don't know.
Bonus points: My hits for this blog should rocket with all these sex tags. Sadly, the people stumbling across my blog are going to be bitterly disappointed. Hey ho!

Sunday, 4 March 2012

The NME awards 2012

Honestly, anyone would think I just watch this awards shows to be antagonistic. Well, I do, but only cos I've not really been watching anything else at the moment, except several episodes of 1000 ways to die, a zillion episodes of Pointless and a fair bit of LA Ink.
I have a feeling this show is going to make me feel really old as I find myself out of touch with indie. But then again, it is a very prescribed and predictable form of indie, sponsored by Shockwaves, no doubt. Mind you, nothing could be as bad as The Brit Awards, not even being shot in the face.
Let us begin. Oh Jack Whitehall is presenting, I actually like him, I think he's quite underrated. Or is it Noel 'tryhard' Fielding?
I thought this Kasabian joke would have ended a lot sooner than it has. Are we that hard up, are we really? I'll file this one under 'lad culture'. It says nothing to me about my life.
I'm not even going to comment on all the peoples sitting round looking like theyr're sucking lemons.
Ah, James Corden's gargoyle just turned up. Guess that's another severed alliance. Noel Gallagher must feel about 100 when he goes to these events.
I hate it when any programme tells you what's 'coming up.' That's what killed TOTP. The only way you could watch it was in the hope of something good coming up, telling you beforehand that it's a bag of shit is cruel. I don't even like reading reviews for films before I see them. I like to come at all things from an angle of pure ignorance. The worst one they do it in is 1000 ways to die and ruin the ending. I want to guess what's going to happen! I have to fast forward those bits quick.
Best solo artist. Miles Kane. Who? Frank Turner. Who? Floreeeenailsdownblackboardeeeeence. Laura Marling zzzz. Florence won. Why doesn't she ever take that machine up on stage with her? I think it's because said 'machine' is a sandwich maker and she's super greedy.
Alexa Chung is one of those 'too busy to eat' cunts. If 'too busy to eat' means sticking your fingers down your throat after you've had a cigarette for your main meal. I've seen cuddlier looking porcupines.
Florence is quite posh isn't she? Doesn't explain why she had that punishing paper round. Perhaps she lived in a haunted mansion and the ghosts kept her up at night. It would explain the outfits, too.
Betst International Band. The Strokes, lol. I always prefered The Vines. Arcade 'only one good song on every album' Fire. Foo Fighters won it, what the fuck? Didn't they win that at the Brits too? The only good thing Dave Grohl has ever done is cut off his 90s hair. After that he should have disappeared in a puff of smoke, like the other one did.
The Horrors. I saw the Horrors supporting Morrissey once, and Faris actually yawned whilst he was singing. Everyone's a critic, arent't they? I can't look at him without thinking 'nose'- it's worse than Alex James and cheese. Then the second thing I think is 'Peaches Geldof.'
Best new band. Wulyf. Foster the people. Nope, me either. The Vaccines are so fucking derivative. They're like a comedy band, like Kings of Leon.
Pulp have won Outstanding Contribution to Music. I really wish they'd left Pulp where they belong, back in the 90s. It feels like they dug up my nans grave, put her in a nice dress and gone, 'this is just as good'. Well, no, it won't do. Also, are we pretending we ever liked This is Hardcore now? That's funny.
Jarvis has lost his ability to edit himself. It's a shame as he used to be a very witty man. I'd have a lot more respect for Pulp if they'd come back with a new album, rather than to pay for little Claude's university fees. Reuinions are total bollocks; I can't wait to see the car crash that will be the Stone Roses later this year. I want my bands to stay together, through thick and thin, long past their sell date. No band that has ever got back together has been a good thing. if The Smiths DID ever get back together (which they won't) it would be fucking shit. You can't recreate magic. It's like someone chasing that feeling from their first E or hit of heroin; that was the moment. It's gone.
Best Album. Everything is so dated. I expected to see loads of new bands, but it just the same old tired shit fron ten years ago. Arctic Monkeys. They were over before their first single came out, so they're really actually outstaying their welcome now. People are yawning, looking out the window and going 'is that the time? I've got work tomorrow.'
This Vaccines crap is just lad music, isn't it? It's the kind of thing that would have been my cue to leave the indie disco many years ago. The women at this award ceremony have all been exhibited like charming but near-extinct creatures then shuffled off again.
Alexa Chung tried to high five Jarvis but he wasn't having it.Not so cool now, hey?
Best British band. Muse, lol. I think their last good song was Newborn and that was around 1985. Kasabian won it. Kasabian dedicated their award to the Monkees and did a cringeworthy singalong. That guy looks like David Brent. Is that what we want in a frontman these days? At least David Brent had one tune. Wow this guy is an enormous prick.
OK so I don't know the show that won best TV show -fresh meat. I am still partly out of touch - phew.
Two girls in the audience looked like they were chewing their faces off. I couldn't think of much worse that doing drugs and having to listen to Florence; in fact weren't they using that as a torture tactic in Guantanemo?
The Macabees. File this under bands with names like The Zutons and The Kooks that should have run their course already. How did illegal downloading not kill these kind of cunts off?
That Hurts band sound alright. Might investigate them further.
Florence won best song. Which one was it? Oh, it was the one that sounds like you just stood on the cat's tail in hobnail boots. Oh, my mistake, it was the one that sounds like the wailing of a woman who's entire family has been wiped out in a car accident. Terrible business.
Godlike genius goes to Noel Gallagher which they already told us at the start - well ruined. The editor of the NME looks like she should be called Angelica. I suppose I should be grateful they've even got a woman editor, but the only woman who's performed on that stage tonight has been Florence. If I was a female editor, I think I might try and highlight a few more female bands/ singers. Oh, I forgot, we're just the window dressing aren't we?
Kasabian on Noel, 'he was back on the road straight after Oasis split, he doesn't have to do it.' No, he doesn't have to. We should clearly all be very grateful.
Someone just said Noel is always looking for 'new ways to evolve.' Perhaps he should try putting them in a few tunes then, rather than this turgid, pedestrian offal he's currently serving up. Honestly, it makes pine for Songbird.
Ugh, Johnny Marr. Have him and Paul Weller been going to the same hairdresser for 30 years now? I liked Noel hamming it up. But then he went and spoilt it all by singing.
Well, it was better than the Brits. But then so is slicing your toe off with the lawnmower. The saddest thing was, I wasn't out of touch, they really are peddling the same dreary guitar bands as ever. There's no music scene to be seen here.
Thank fuck I was a teenager during the 90s. Thank God we had something to believe in.