Friday, 29 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Throw me under the Busey

Welcome! It's been a great week for arseholery in the Big Brother house. I read today someone saying 'Why should everyone be judged on how they treat Gary in the house? Can't we concentrate on their other characteristics?' And the answer is: no. Because it tells you all you need to know about someone's character how they treat an old disabled man. I'm not saying Gary is easy to live with. I think Gary is grumpy and self-centred (as well as brilliantly funny and mesmerising). However, when you're shouting at an old man so much your veins are popping out in your neck, or saying an old man is a bad role model for burping when you and your braindead cronies fuck on TV for money, then you make it my problem. Then I'm judging ALL of you, including those just sitting there, saying nothing. Especially you! And how does cheeky Gogglebox George 'aw isn't he sweet?' get away with nominating Gary for being deaf? Audley's nomination of Kellie WAS discrimination. George's nomination of Gary WAS discrimination. Let's not be shy in calling a spade a spade. This is before we even get into James and the way he treats Gary, and the fact that despite constantly condescending him, treating him like he's two and telling him off, James is actually Gary's best friend in the house. I think Gary actually LIKES James. I don't know why, either.
Just a couple of hours of live feed (with adverts) showed you all you needed to know about these contestants, and they are rotten. They only people who didn't nominate Gary are Frenchy and Claire. Bewitched and Dee pretend they're peacemakers, whilst snipping at Gary at the same time. Meanwhile, despite burping, shhing people, interrupting and apparently, stinking, Gary comes across as the most pleasant, forgiving and loyal person in the house. His one liners are bordering on genius. Just looking at him in the background of a scene is more interesting than a whole conversation between Ricci, Lauren, Claire, Dee... should I go on?
Onto tonight's show! George is brave telling James he comes across condescending. James as usual doesn't listen.
I liked James saying to Kellie she shouldn't leave because of Audley. Kellie is such a drama queen. But Kellie has every right to be annoyed about being nominated because she's trangender. 'Audley tolerates me, he doesn't accept me.' I think that's true, you know. I liked Kellie saying, 'you should have talked to me m... woman to man.' That's not an expression people use, is it, 'man to woman'. Men talk to each other MAN TO MAN. Women aren't involved in those chats.
Kellie makes a good point about if she'd said something about Audley being black, or Leslie being gay. But you know what, I think they put Audley in there to set him up for a fall. I think he's dealing with it the best he can. I do believe him when he says 'I'm on your side' to Kellie. He seems like a nice guy, really.
It was brave of Audley to say 'everything I've grown up with I've had to reject.' It takes a lot to admit that everything you've always thought is wrong, but it makes you a better person on the other side of it.
Bless Gary saying he's going to change his ways to George. Doesn't he say that every day though?! Haha! Stay just as you are, Gary. Why does he have to change, but no one else does! He's fine the way he is.
Leslie moaning about being hungry; how did David cope in there! David; remember him? Me either.
Gary is having a laugh with Bewitched. Never washed up! Pull the other one.
Stephanie, you ARE gonna look mean because of the Gary stuff. Because you ARE mean!
Frenchy saying 'shut up bitches' to the booing crowd is class. Ha to the shock of Leslie and Kellie getting booed. Gary's got his sunglasses on. So's Audley. 'Get Kellie out'. Lovely. Kick a girl while she's down!
George is safe 'in no particular order' ie. Gary was saved first. Gary and Audley also safe. Those sunglasses must be deflecting the eviction.
Stephanie: 'Audley told me I need to keep my temper down.' Dee: 'No you don't.' Then Dee has a massive go at him for touching the pizza 'because of Stephanie.' No, because you're Vinnie Jones/ Pauline.
Gary cleaning the kitchen top was cute, if it wasn't for the others all taking the piss out of him as he did it. George gets right on my wick now. 'Doesn't have time' to talk to Gary. He's not even a smoker. (Chris joke there).
Gary and Frenchy - 'I'm a French pussycat.' Meow! Shades of George Galloway here. Frenchy actually talks to him like a fellow human. It's lovely to see.
Oh George, Stephanie isn't going to go out with you. You're not going to get past Spencer. You're not even going to get past your own mum and dad, and your mum's usual response to things is 'aww, isn't she lovely?'
They are trying to show Stephanie 'having fun' dressing up to save her, I guess. George ogling her and then saying: 'Can I have a hessian sack and a cable tie?' Is that a rape joke! Dear Lord. What a loveable cheeky chappie, hey?
Oh, Kellie, stop moaning! You're getting on my nerves. 'Everyone can nominate me'. You're not allowed to say that, are you?
Did you see Stephanie and George staring into each other's eyes when they were waiting for the announcement? It almost looked like the look of love... could believe it if she wasn't a Pratt. She's shrewd!
Leslie got the chop! 'I'm evicted?' Haha, he couldn't believe it. His little bottom lip went out and everything. You GOTTA GO, Leslie! No deciding who's in the final for you. Well unless you vote from home. or the Travelodge. That's warmed my heart, actually. The power housemate twist strikes again! It's always the way. This is a good result.
Leslie is going to take things on board. That's good to know. His clips of him throwing a strop were brilliant! He did have the good grace to look appalled. I think we saw the best/worst of Leslie in those few days.
Emma needs to correct Leslie, he was voted most entertaining BEFORE he started acting the goat.
At least Leslie said he was sorry about Gary, even if he did caveat it with a few things.
Fuck me, Emma actually mentioned the live feed. Astonishing.
No podcast tonight, btw, for those who listen, hopefully it will be this weekend  as Mr. Bile is working. I haven't even see the last two BBUS so I'm really twitching. No spoilers please!
Oh well, off to the scrapheap for you, Leslie. That tenner I put on Gary at 10/1 is looking sweeter every day. Meow! =^‥^=

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: It hurts my heart

Did they rename Big Brother 'Pick on a pensioner' when I wasn't looking? It's not the best, is it? Twice now I've had to rewind incidences of people picking on Gary to get the full horror of it. Not much fun, really.
If Frenchy is 38, I'm 12. She's more like 50. She fancies Ricci and Lauren. There's no accounting for taste, is there, both of them
Why is James bothered about George calling Audley 'Audrey'? What is his problem, as if we don't know! I'm surprised he can cope with Kellie in there. He seems like like people being in strict boxes.
George: 'I'm only good at running if it's to the pub or away from the police.' Love it.
Ugh, shopping task times. Casting couch! I'm surprised they're not doing a shitstirring task first off, they normally do.
I bet Gary Busey goes through a lot of toothpaste. He's got some gnashers on him. Gary drinking the vinegar! Well, he's drank worse, I'm sure. I like the team of Gary and Stephanie. They should team up, not separate! Gary is hilarious. I love the fact they're both going for it! I hope Mark isn't watching. He'll be gagging like hell.
Leslie can't sleep, bless him.
So Kellie is now a lesbian, not a heterosexual male, as Claire said. It IS confusing, though. I don't see why she should spend her life alone.
It is cruel making Lauren and Ricci read this stuff off the autocue, but quite funny, too. I hate that expression 'getting mortal'. It makes me think of that bedwetter who won it. So Ricci has a tiny penis! Doesn't surprise me. Lauren's face is endlessly fascinating.
Lauren saying it's sad that young girls want to be reality TV stars! What?!
Oh, here comes the Gary bashing! They edited the conversation weird so you couldn't really tell what was happening, but from the point we saw, it's just pack mentality. Gary probably 'shh's people because he can't hear unless one person is talking.
David/ Tornado doesn't think he should wait until someone's finished to talk. Er...?
What's Kelly Brook done to deserve this cunt? Seriously! How rude is he? Gary is deaf and you're talking too fast, you chump! I can barely understand what this creep is saying, no wonder Gary can't. Why is Gary having  to apologise to these horrible people? I like the way he went 'I know your limitations' to David, as if to say, 'I know you're a fucking idiot.'
Bewitched looks pissed off in the background. If she opens her mouth she could actually grab a few votes, rather than just sitting there like H from Steps. Dee was frowning, too.
Oh God, here comes James now. A tag team of tossers. I feel sad that Gary doesn't think we have freedom of speech in this country because these twats are bullying him.  'You're not in America!' No, he's a guest in our country! He's a deaf old man. Be polite, you fucking disgrace.
Gary: 'I'm not shhing you people, I'm being interrupted.' Welcome to Big Brother. No one listens.
I love Gary's comebacks. He says really barbed things and they don't even listen. 'It hurts my heart.' Aw.
Then they're all in the kitchen bitching about him. FFS, what a bunch of cunts. I hope they all die, seriously. Have some respect.
OMG even Leslie is having a dig at Gary now. Fucking hell. Is there no solidarity?! The way he just spoke about Gary was horrible. He's a has been? At least he was a WAS at some point! Who are you?! A never was? Little prick. Horrible man. And saying 'he's got to go' is talking about nominations as far as I'm concerned. No, YOU gotta go. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure Gary isn't easy to live with. But cut him some slack, please.
Aw, I'm glad Kellie and Claire are backing Gary up. Gary needs someone to talk slowly to him and just give him some time and attention. That's all he needs. He is rude, but he's a deaf old man, FFS.
OMG I just got faith back in Big Brother! They told James off for ostracising Gary. They did it in quite a smart way, too, like not a tell off, but 'can you make sure the other's aren't being idiots' when he's the ringleader of the tormentors. Very shrewd. I'm so glad they did that, I was getting shades of Shilpa Shetty there. I did not like that one bit.
James's response: 'He could be ostracised if he continues to speak to people the way he speaks to them.' How about the way YOU speak to people, you jumped up piece of crap? 'Show respect, care and understanding.' It's sad they have to be told that, isn't it? Really sad. But really amazing that Big Brother actually DID something for once rather than letting us just watch in horror.
Eww, is George sucking Frenchy's toes?! Dear God. Oh and now Lauren talking about her sex life with Mark Wright. Spare me. Hope Tina's not watching.
Leslie's being kept awake at 3am, boo woo. I hope they keep you up all night, Leslie, you nasty little git. Serves you right for picking on a deaf person. Quite ironic, really! Haha. Now Leslie's waking everyone else up by shouting. Irony! I bet Gary's asleep, ner! I'm surprised they let him sleep in the sky pod or whatever it's called. Should pack him off to a hotel, the nasty little shit.
No eviction tomorrow! Please make it vote to save, Big Brother! Gary FTW.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother Redux 2014: You're emotionally bent

Interesting the way Kellie talks about 'Frank' as if he's a separate person, isn't he? I find it fascinating. 'I've won and I've lost.' It's really emotive, but it doesn't feel like an act when she talks about it. Dee seems genuine and warm, too. She seems genuinely interested in what Kellie has to say.
Gary is giving a very heartfelt speech in the Diary Room, saying he loves everyone and his experience was 'set up by the angels'. Let's see how long that lasts. I hate this James guy, he's coming across like a mighty prick.
I wish they'd get a clue that this Duchess thing is not necessary and give it a rest. I find it so boring, when the dynamic is already really interesting, it actually puts a spanner in the works.
I'm not finding the highlights clips very interesting so far, is this the best they've got? Gary in a wig, Audley talking about his childhood, I'm sure it must have been more interesting than this yesterday. Even this crystal meth chat feels quite dull.
They're talking about Gary being mean but I've not seen him being mean. Gary on death: 'Don't expect a tragedy here'. He's the king of the acronym. I like his tall stories and his spiritual nonsense. It beats Mark's tea leaves.
What's the deal with this James guy? Methinks he's after some air time! It wouldn't take a genius to work our who the star of the show is, and it's not his boring arse.
The Duchess crap is finally over. Well done, you fooled two old age pensioners and one loopy French woman. Gary doesn't have a clue what day of the week it is, bless him.
I love the way Kellie talks about her kids! It's really loving. Everyone has treated her really respectfully, too.
Oh here we go. OK, I've watched this twice to make sure I've made sense of what happens. Gary to James: 'You are gay, aren't you?' It's a fairly innocent question, as James is a professional dancer, and a gay friend of mine thought he was gay, too (yes I have gay friends. Just like James does, ha.) James's instant reaction to that was 'fuck off.' Not, 'oh a lot of people say that.' 'Not, no, I'm straight actually.' But 'fuck off.' As if being gay is really offensive. So let's put the next part of the conversation into context. James is so fucking patronising. 'I have gay friends.'
Gary: 'So you're not afraid to get butt-fucked in the air?' Ok, I think Gary WAS joking, but I think he WAS trying to wind James up, too. 
'I've never hit a 70 year old before.' Charming. He didn't like that buttfuck comment, did he, not at ALL! What James said was very threatening.
James: 'I don't mind a cheeky little finger.' OK then. So straight people are allowed to do that, but no butt-fucking?
James: 'When I'm talking, you listen. Look at me when I'm taking to you.'
Gary: 'You do get buttfucked in your imagination.' 
James: 'You should be careful what you say.' That was a direct threat. Gary: 'You should be careful what you take seriously.'
Gary is mental, contradicts himself ALL the time! But I like him. He's the best one. I THINK Gary was joking, he just said it very dryly. Lauren actually defended Gary then, yay: 'that's what Gary's like.' I like Gary saying he couldn't remember what he said, but apologising for it anyway.
It was a good point Gary made when David said 'kiss and make up' James didn't take it seriously, but it was a similar sort of comment.
James is a nasty piece of work, a wrong 'un and a potential closet case. He revealed more about himself in that conversation than Gary ever has.
Buttfucking isn't gay or straight, anyway! Buttfucking is multi-purpose. This apology is hilarious. I love Gary saying 'you're emotionally bent.' There's nothing wrong with taking it up the arse, James. Relax! Gary: 'I didn't know your routine of negativity and restriction.' OMG brilliant! I missed that the first time. Gary is a dry fucker. I'm starting to think he created this whole situation to make James look like a total prick and it worked well. James: 'We don't say things like that in this country.' Don't speak for a country, you twat! Gary can say whatever the fuck he wants (within Big Brother's rules, ha.) Gary is so magnanimous in the face of this super douchery. That whole scene and the bit outside is worth watching twice, it really is.
Not even worth mentioning Ricci and Tornado in the tree house or whatever the fuck it's called. I can't even bear looking at that Ricci's face. These people are amoebas.
Dee thinks Gary is interesting. I like Dee, she seems sound. 'I came in not once, but twice.' I loved it when she said Kellie looked gorgeous and it doesn't take much to sit and listen to someone. Too true.
Why is Stephanie bagging on her fellow American?
Why is James still banging on about James! 'Look at me when I'm talking to you.' No, you're not very interesting AT ALL. This guy is so pompous.
Something sad about Gary saying 'there's a great party atmosphere' while sitting on his own in the garden.
Stephanie: 'Who would you rather have kill you, David or Gary?' Bit of a strange question. That's the Pratt lineage for you.
This rock paper scissors 'game' is making me feel very uneasy. They're trying to wind Gary up and I don't like it. It feels like they're all laughing at him! He's an old man, FFS, let him sleep. I hate these people. Except Gary. And George. And Leslie. And Dee.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: We're all Royal here

Hiya loves! I enjoyed that live feed last night. An hour of Gary Busey going 'what?' and genuinely enjoyable. More please!
Recap times! I like seeing some of the bits you don't get to see but there's just too much we've already seen.
Oh so Dee's task was for the food budget after all. Yawn! David: 'It's not hard to trick Americans' in front of Stephanie. Rude! He's not exactly Stephen Hawkins himself.
So I'm seeing a picture of Gary and Frenchy together and it says they dated for two years; and he didn't even recognise her last night! WTF. That can't be possible, can it? Unless she's had so much plastic surgery, she's unrecognisable. It's possible.
Lauren patronising Gary Busey! Wrong! Gary: 'TEAM: Together everyone acheives more'. Brilliant. That's Celebrity rehab talk for you. George: 'I'm on a show where people watch people on TV.' Gary: 'Wow.' Gogglebox sounds like the most English word ever right now. Go-Go box sounds like a fun nightclub.
Edele on Dee: 'She's 21st in line to the throne.' Gary: 'We're all Royal here.' Gary is going to be king of the one liners. Might as well just forget about the other housemates when Gary's in the house. He's making up for ten housemates.
This twist is totally pointless as well, although Dee is dealing with it very well. She's coming across a lot better than I thought she would.I like Kellie and Dee bonding. 'This isn't the worst thing you've had to go through?' That was quite touching. Dee came across quite caring there. It could be gameplay but I like to think not.
I like Leslie, he's a cutie pie. He likes Mike Tindall, lol. Lying about his age, too! I think Kellie was on to him, though.
I think George is going to give good Diary Room. He's a TV critic, basically, so he should do.
Gary and Dee are cracking me up. I love the fact he says everything's an honour. Gary: 'We're going to have some fun.' Don't talk to Gary about rehab! He's written the book. I love Gary. I admit it. Gary to Dee: 'We're going to build you a throne!' He is amazing. I still don't think it's quite right him being there. But he's TV gold. I'm rubber-necking, but it's still gold, like Stephen Baldwin on steroids.
Claire to Frenchy: 'What are you here for?' Frenchy: 'I like to get naked a lot.'
I can't stand Edele. She comes across really cold. Lauren and Ricci are a waste of space, too. I don't like Emmerdale or Tornado either.
Leslie seems VERY smart, except for the Duchess nonsense. Surely he'd know a Duchess would be posher? 'Not ready to vote Gary out yet.' Give it time!
Lauren is such a fish face. What HAS she done to her face?! She makes Amy Childs look natural. Still, I bet she smells like peppermint. A wet arse? I thought the Geordie Shores were the bedwetters. I guess it's going cross-reality now.
I like Dee, she's quite matter of fact. I think she quite suits that outfit. Frenchy: not impressed by hunting. 'Swans are magnificent.' Bless her. I love the French accent. My boyfriend thinks Frenchy knows it's a task. They all seemed to know each other's names, so I wouldn't be surprised.
James: 'What's your favourite movie you've ever been in?' Gary lists ten different films. The spirit of Patrick Swayze came through him. George: unimpressed. James: trying to say sexist things to shock. Oh dear.
I like the way Frenchy says, 'Douchesssss!' That James guy is a dick.
What has Lauren been drinking! She looks hammered! She's making a smashed final two with George. Lauren: 'I wanna be sober now.' George: 'I wanna be as drunk as you.' I'd rather get off with George than Ricci.
Oh god, not the 'we all get along so great' speech. Gimme a break. Give it two days, they'll be tearing each other's throats out.
James has got 'energy envy' about the youngsters. He's not there to necessarily cause any trouble. Just bore us all to death.
We heard Gary talking about having his own double bed on the live feed last night. Oh dear, he's shushing them. I think he's laughing, though. Imagine those teeth glinting at you in the night. I think anyone who takes on Gary though, does so at their peril. I can see him having a lot of public support. I like all the Americans actually. Not much Stephanie Pratt in that episode, though! Spencer must be fuming.

Monday, 18 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Point Broke

Evening all! Well, so far this year we've had two horrible winners: Jim Davidson and Helen, if you need reminding. So we're now looking to make it the hat trick. Put everything you own on whoever has the worst odds; or whoever's on Richard Desmond's payroll, or whoever it's fixed for this time. Basically, the biggest twat.
Hold up, where's Super Cassandra! I like Emma Willis's dress. Say no more. She's promising electric shock suits already, brace yourself, they've obviously pushed the boat out.
White Dee in first. Well she's the biggest arsehole so far, but she is first in. Still. She's moaning about editing on Benefits Street, wait until she gets on Big Brother. I didn't watch Benefits Street, because I don't like looking down my nose at poor people. I just like looking down my nose in general at people. She's got some big boobies on her. She seems like she's going to be the new Pauline, maybe? So the 'celebs' have got a new comfy sofa, still looks quite cheap, though.
Next in is someone from Strictly Come Dancing, James, so only your mum will recognise him. Commence the clapping. He doesn't like cooking. He looks like Benedict in that flat cap. Nail down the chairs. 'I've been on Imodium all day.' Lovely. His girlfriend looks pretty. Dee knew his name! I hate it when they all know who's going in. She seemed quite warm with him. I think she could go either way; be a nightmare or be alright.
Next in, someone from Emmerdale, Claire. Just what we don't need, a new Tricia Penrose. This is like a mum's edition of Big Brother. It's like Gillian Taylforth but they couldn't afford her. 'Ey up.' She's got huge boobs, too.
Next in is Kelly Brook's bit of stuff, David. Didn't he crash a van full of badgers?! He's even admitting it. Ha. Why was he driving a van full of dead badgers anyway? Is he some sort of professional badger botherer? The crowd are booing him and I'm not sure why, but he does seem annoying. Kelly Brook is too nice for him.
Oh dear Lord, not a twist already. They are setting Dee up, making her become royal. Give her the crown, and evict her already. She has to fool the Americans that she's a Duchess. That means they'll be American or foreign then. Good! I'm fed up with these English no-marks.
Oh, this is going to be interesting. Kellie used to be Frank, a boxing promoter. Transgender people normally do well on Big Brother. Nadia, Luke A, Lauren Harries. Kellie will be an interesting character, either herself, or in the way people react to her and reveal themselves.
Audley Harrison is actually famous! My brother used to have a friend called Lee Harrison and we used to call him 'Old Lee Harrison.' Here's hoping he's not another Evander Holyfield. Does he know Kellie? He's mentioning 'ground rules'. I hope he's not going to be the new Vinnie Jones.
Audley does know Kellie! 'Do I have to call you Kellie?' 'If you want to get paid for your next fight.' This is going to be an interesting dynamic that could make or break either of them.
Next in Lauren Goodier. According to my boyfriend, the fat one, but not the fat, fat one. Charming! So tired of the Towies. She's wearing a mint coloured jumpsuit. Not sure that's the right look for her. I think she's got a wedgie.
GOGGLEBOX! George FTW. He's one of the worst people off Gogglebox, but still, Gogglebox! He's worried women have an ulterior motive because he's on Gogglebox. How much money do you get off being on fucking Gogglebox?! I can't stop saying Gogglebox. Send in Sandra! Send in the poshos! Will people on Gogglebox be watching this? It's a shame it's not on at the moment. I like the way he poured that drink, like it was the last drink he was ever going to drink.
Next in Edele from Bewitched. No, I'm not writing the asterisk. She can't even spell her own name. She likes being honest. This is from the 'say it to your face' school of Big Brother bullshit. I think she might be the biggest arsehole in Bewitched, and that's saying something. 'Do you do eyelashes?' Weird way to say hello. They are all standing round very awkwardly! The crowd don't look too cheerful either. I think Helen has worn us all down.
In next is Ricci from Geordie Shore. No, me neither. Another spelling that's going to get on my tits. The Geordie Shore people are cheap and unimaginative. Even cheaper than TOWIE wankers.
Next is Stephanie Pratt. I did watch The Hills, but obviously not Made in Chelsea. I liked her on The Hills. Her face looks different, though. What could have happened? Spencer got her on the show, haha. She looks weirdly like Heidi in a way. That's not creepy, is it?!
Where the fuck is Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee?
Remember when Germaine Greer had to wait on Jade Goody? That didn't work out so well, did it? Can't see this Dee thing going much better.
Next in is some old fella off Will and Grace, Leslie. Even if Will or Grace went in I wouldn't recognise them. He has been told 'you have to have strategy'. Don't worry, you don't. Oh my God, he's tiny. He's like a mini Christopher Biggins. He could be funny, you know. I like him!
Next up is some French woman off Rock of Love, Frenchy. That's a bit niche. She loves pink and she looks like someone you see in an 80s porno. You kind of hope that women who look like that don't exist anymore but then you see they do. 'Obviously I like cock.' Obviously. She likes guys who are 18-23 with big willies. That's a specific market. Is she old? I can't tell.
Gary Busey! Point Break! Celebrity Rehab! He was a legend on there. That's good that he's got sober, though. He looks a fucking state though! I liked his speech before he entered the house. 'It's an honour be here.' OK. Emma is having to help Gary into the house! Three questions! Haha! What were the three questions. He thought Audley's name was Orgy. Frenchie knows him! She said her name was Angelique. Oh God, this isn't right. He can't understand anything anyone's saying. This is taking awkward to a new level.
White Dee is going back in as Duchess Deirdre. Is that the poshest name they could think of? I think Claire is blowing this twist already. The twist was so overblown and then they spent two seconds on it. I don't think Dee's heart is in it. I can't get over Gary Busey. I actually can't get over it. Dear God. God help us all. Come back Helen, all is forgiven.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Big Brother 2014: (This series was not) Absolutely fantastic

What's the opposite of 'absolutely fantastic'? Big Brother 2014. It was the series that almost killed my blog; and I blame Helen. No, I don't, I blame the production. Never has more of a mess been made of things, and never have viewers been more insulted. And we saw Conor walk out of there with a bag full of swag. And still that wasn't as much of an insult as this sham of a series. Quite something, isn't it?
This will be the last blog I do about Big Brother 2014, but I'll be back yapping for CBB next week and hoping it's more of a Lee Ryan taps-on affair than a Abz swan-apple yawnathon (no offence to Abz or his lovely swan apple).
If you've been listening to our podcast you'll be in the loop with my feelings on the season, but this week in particular it has felt like Big Brother is determined to edit Ashleigh in a bad light and Helen positively. Do they think we can't see through it? Ashleigh isn't MY winner, but she deserves it a damn sight more than raging nutcase alwaysintheright Helen. Helen has nor redeemed herself. You can't be one way for two months then another for ten minutes and fool people. You just can't.
Christopher was my winner for the past two weeks or so for being generally a sweet soul, but the constant interference even destroyed that for me last night, when Chris spinelessly saved pointless Pav over Chris. The fact ANYONE is still eating up that journey bullshit is CRIMINAL. Pav has barely been to the shops and back. Chris has been living in fear of Helen for two plus months, his only salvation in a packet of Golden Virginia. Let's get the 'journeys' into perspective, and then never say the word journey again.
This is a series so horrendously bad that Ash; a man who cheerfully said 'I'd hate to go out with a girl who's a slut', called a woman a 'maggot' to her face and said 'put some of the water back in the pool' (behind her back) when the same woman (Slugsworth, if you must know) was trying to enjoy herself, is now some sort of hero. Like some kind of potential winner, just because he says 'absolutely fantastic' in a funny voice (admittedly, it is genius). Meanwhile, dumbo Winston got Tamara foisted back on him, and Mark and his LIES spectacularly unravelled, leaving him to hang up his eyebrows on the back of the Diary Room door, a bit like Daley had to do last year with Hazel's salmon pink hoodie.
The series is a MESS. The only thing the shit-for-brains producers have stuck to is doggedly refusing to take Helen's pass of her, despite her temper tantrums, cruelness and general bullying (yeah I said it) and undoubtedly, viewers switching off in droves.
Anyway, tonight's show is just Ashleigh getting stitched up, and Chris cringing. Helen can't even explode with Chris there, they are too mismatched a pairing. It's no good having a secret room unless the people collude. It's not exactly Gina and Dexter, is it?
Helen's keeping her enormous gob shut for once - she's no fool, she's got her eyes on the prize (t.m. Pav's mum, but not quite) and she's not going to blow it now. Well, not until she had a can of whisky, anyway.
So now they're doing a task making Ashleigh and Pav insufferable. The old Dustin treatment, hey! They must think we were BORN YESTERDAY. Yet some people are, and will probably fall for it. Sigh.
I kind of feel sorry for Helen having no one to bitch with in that room. She can't call Ashleigh a cunt to Chris, so she just has to simmer to herself. Quite funny when you think about it. The long and short of this is Chris has got live feed, and not one other thing to do in that room, and even HE can't be bothered to watch it. Are Big Brother trying to make a point or what, lol. Don't worry, I won't start going on about outside contact. 
Hmm, this is quite a boring episode, isn't it, I should have done last night. Watching people watching TV, it's like Gogglebox without the laughs, or Beavis and Butthead without the music videos. Last night had two fake evictions, Iris doing the zingbot voice and Ash as a psychologist. And for all the jokes on Twitter about Helen, that picture DID look like a dick that was split in half!
The fake interview section was quite boring, with Pav saying he wants to earn £10K a month and live in a mansion. I think Chris's questions were the problem. Is it a fact the egg came before the chicken? No it is not. He's like the Richard Dawkins of the chicken/egg conundrum. Chris is being a bit of a party pooper tonight.
Why is Helen crying in the Diary Room? Why isn't she going mad over Ashleigh? Why is Chris always trying to cuddle her? Why oh why oh why.
Now, let's see who looks GENUINELY happy when Chris and Helen return! Ash thinks it's fantastic, but not absolutely fantastic, which just isn't good enough. They all actually look quite happy. Chris is REALLY happy to see other people again! Not exactly fight night, is it?
Ash: 'I thought we'd got rid of them!' and 'what's happening, dragon?' to Helen, lol. Ash has become the king of the one liners. Ash is funnier than Chris, for reals. Shame he's a complete knob, also.
Oh, Helen's going down the sympathy route, rather than down 'put 'em on blast' route. She must think we have short memories, and you know what, she's right. Look how quickly that 'creepy Chris' edit took hold.
Is that Pav's actual necklace, or has he just kept his bling on from the task? Either way, weak gameplay.  Never wear the crown, the HOH robe, or any other regalia. Especially no dictator uniforms.
I'm glad Christopher is feeling guilty for evicting Chris, so he should. You lost my vote, Christmas. As it stands now, Chris is my winner, but I don't really mind who wins out of Chris, Ashleigh or Christopher. If Chris wins, it's a victory for the viewers, as he said what we were thinking (yeah behind people's backs, and so would you, probably). If Christopher wins, it would be a slap in the face to Pauline, Toya and Mark, who made him feel small. If Ashleigh wins, it will drive Helen mad. And that's as good a reason as any. If by some weird reason Ash wins, I wouldn't even begrudge him it. I wouldn't even begrudge Helen as she's at least put the spade work in, in her own sick way. Pav though! That journey! No way, mate. Not on my watch.
Helen, no amount of bitterness towards Ashleigh can win it for you now. So just stop it. Someone on Twitter said to me tonight 'how come when Ashleigh bitches it's OK?' and the answer is, because Ashleigh has not terrorised the house for two months plus. If people think they're in any way similar, they're mad. Ashleigh is a normal girl, Helen has a screw loose. I like certain sides to Helen, but she's a loose cannon and needs a good couple of years of therapy. Ashleigh is perfectly sane and has been quite patient, if anything.
Helen is desperately jealous of Ashleigh, and Ashleigh has the effortless respect of the men in the house. Ash is Helen's 'best friend/sidekick' and he takes the mick out of her all the time. Plus his mum will ground him if he tries to hang out with Helen in the outside world.
Ash just did a toast that included not one but TWO (count them) 'fantastics'. Bit of a waste of wine, though.
So that's it from me! I'm off to Sweden for a wedding at 7am on Friday morning so I'll be avoiding spoilers (can't imagine the Big Brother winner is front page news in Sweden) and catching up when I get back on Sunday.
We WILL be doing a wrap up podcast, so do give us a listen if you like that sort of thing. I do it with my boyfriend James and he's funnier than me, which is annoying. And check out Big Brother US if you love Big Brother in general. It's great fun and we podcast that, too.
See you for Celebrity Big Brother on Monday and thanks for reading. I really appreciate the hardcore gang of us left clinging on, and the bitching on Twitter has been very enjoyable, funny and imaginative, unlike this series of Big Brother. You're all absolutely fantastic.