Friday, 3 February 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Big Brother voters: Queens of filth

Live feed lovers
Ooh, hello lovies. All I want tonight is a Kim/ Jedward final two. Don't let me down, you chicken livered shits.
Emma's coat makes me LOL out loud. Looks like she's escaped from prison.
My ideal order for booting out are Coleen, Bianca, James C, Nicola, Jedward and Kim.
Who's going to get the two by two eviction? Bianca and Coleen would be good. I honestly want to see Nicola go further than James C because at least Nicola has put some effort into entertaining us.
Outfits: Jedward are in military regalia, James looks like he's going to a wedding, Nicola McLean looks like a Hollywood starlet with balloons for boobs. Bianca looks like a viking pinhead. Looks like they've had a makeover.
Everyone is pretending they enjoyed their time in the house when they're actually dying to leave.
Kim: 'You're going to get some knick-knocking when strangers are put together.' I like Nicola and Bianca's Jedward look and the reinacting of Kim's argument.
So they are all sat down to watch the house highlights. I love Kim's sunglasses even though she can't see through them.
It was nice to see all the housemates in the diary room together, you don't really see that these days.
Bonka first out! I was hoping for Coleen but never mind.
Why have they brought the celebrities on from the cold? Let them suffer.
Will Emma now do one of her traditional slut-shamings? Bianca looks like she has three housemates worth of make up on. Her outfit is a bit 80s sci fi.
Bianca: 'I got booked to come in here single.' Why? Why does she have to be single to go in?
Bianca on Jamie and CJ Meeks: 'We're both sick of talking about it.' Tough shit, you'll be talking about it more in your magazine deal, I'm sure.
Bianca wants to go and 'enjoy the afterlife of Big Brother.' Spooky! At least she'll finally get to see her mum at last.
Nicola is out next. Her cleavage going up the stairs was a sight to behold. Boooo!
Wake up, James C! Show some respect. I hope no one votes for someone who is sleeping on the job!
Nicola's got lipstick on her teeth. That's the problem with glossy red lipstick. You need a good matte. Smokey eyes and red lipstick is a bit much for my taste. It's a bit Dynasty.
Her interview is basically Kim, Kim, Kim and 'I like Jedward now'.
I liked Emma asking Nicola if she's similar to Kim. Emma's not going to say anything about 'I'll go lower' gate is she?
OMG James is out next! I enjoyed James C's interview. My takeaway arrived at this point so I missed some of the salient points he made, but I liked his sense of humour and saying 'watching the housemates through the window was like watching a cartoon.' And I liked the fact he still had Coleen's back at the end. I enjoyed him saying he wouldn't like to see Kim again and that his best bits will 'be a very short reel.' He did have his moments when he wasn't asleep or trying not to say what he thinks.
How does Coleen always get so far? It's so annoying. Oh my God, Kim is out next! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. We are denied the magic of a Kim and Jedward final two. Arghhh!
Emma says it's close between Coleen and Jedward. How can it be? Coleen has done NOTHING. She has sat on her arse and been passive aggressive. Ugh! If she wins I'm going to GO SPARE!
It must be the split vote between Kim and Jedward because 'Kim or Jedward' was trending.
OMG! Kim went 'Don't start with me to Emma'! I'm dying.
Kim has found the final week 'horrible' after being surrounded by the 'ganghanded mob.'
Kim's argument highlights were amazing! Fuck the old housemates goading her. I love her giving them the finger. Spencer Pratt is being particularly obnoxious.
Kim decided to be a 'cobby old crab'. If you come for 'one woman on her own she'll have your guts for gartners.' She has the BEST turn of phrase.
I love Kim telling Nicola that she wanted to argue. 'They're not my friends... she's got a darn cheek. Little madam.'
Spencer is being SUCH a twat. Fuck Emma pulling up Kim on the word 'bullying'.
Kim's long red nails are amazing! I love her calling Speidi out on their 'food first.' OMG Kim going 'don't start with me' to the crowd. She's the best.
So Coleen won. I'll say that again, Coleen won. Can I have my money back please? The injustice hurts my heart.
Weird sound guys running behind Jedward!
Jedward can't wait for Coleen's book: 'I've lived with Jedward.' They were very gracious to her citing 'popstars winning.'
They beat their personal best of coming third last time. I can't believe Jedward got no noms their first series. Jedward 'We were runner ups.'
Jedward: 'We said some bad words this time.'
Also I can tell Jedward apart now and I couldn't last time.
Jedward are always '100% sober and present in the house.'
I love Jedward's self worth and how nothing dents their confidence. They actually do KNOW THEMSELVES.
Emma can't deal with Jedward calling for bringing back the '24 hour link' and wrapped up the interview, ha.
It's nice to see Coleen being emotional but she didn't deserve to win. WHO voted for her? Who votes for these Loose Women, Jim Davidson etc?
Coleen coming out to some mean drum and bass there. 'If I put my hand on my heart I didn't deserve to win it because I have been boring.' Truth. I hate Emma crawling up her arse.
You're right, Coleen, it is down to the idiot general public and that's why we always get the wrong result, every single fucking time.
Coleen found the experience relentlessly negative. She's describing herself.
I'm annoyed because it feels like a win for the ganghanded crew. I'd rather James had won than her.
Coleen's best bits is all just people saying stuff about her cos she's got no best bits.
Anyway, fuck y'all, you chicken livered shits. HORRIBLE PEOPLE. Ratbags. Podcast later. I'm gonna be angry as fuck. See you there!

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I know Kim's strong and gangster

Ooh I just watched last night's show, too, so I'm in the zone! Haha, Calum left this week. I know, I forgot, too. That was fab though. I loved every second! He looked like crap in his interview, all sweaty and twitchy. I notice he's been on a respectful tour of gentleman's clubs since. That's our Calum. Bless you, you fake piece of shit.
OMG special mention must go to Jedward doing cocaine (sort of). Amazing: GIF gold. I wish they'd snorted it though. That would have been a BB moment of legend. Nicola looked well practiced.

I'm loving Jedward in the Jedtub – rubbing bubbles on each other. Seems perfectly normal.
I've missed the true story between Nicola and Kim but apparently it was on live feed (I've not watched yet) and James C and Nicola were being dicks. There must be a reason Jedward stick up for Kim when she goes off like that. It is partly because they're fellow oddballs, but I think there's more to it. Plus they hate the Blair Witch.
Kim in DR: ‘Oh I’m thrilled! I’ve made the Friday. Oh lovey I’ve got so used to this sniping. Nicola has got to be surrounded by her audience. When it kicks off they all go to Nicola’s aid.’
Kim is IN IT TO WIN IT. I wonder if she will ever get that autograph from James C? Probably not.
John just sniffed his arsecrack fingers after wearing Bianca's thong. Yes, I did just write that sentence. And people say I'm wasting my life.
Ooh so everyone likes Edward and not John! Boo. I can tell them apart now by looks but not personality. In a month I would crack it. Unfortunately I half crack it on the penultimate night.
Nicola: 'Edward's more camp.' More camp? John is the one wearing a girl's thong.
CBB TV is the next task which I think is like QVC, with Jedward and Bianca. I don't think James C is buying it. He's so sour sometimes. Nicola is heaving at the sight of dog food. JEDWARD ARE EATING IT. OMG. And Bianca did. Nicola's gagging was magic. That was funny because they didn't have to eat it, but they did anyway. Mental.
I think Jedward would actually work well on QVC as they have a lot of natural enthusiasm.
The painless wax strips were brilliant! John did well not to react. OMG I can see Jedward pube.
I thought the healthy smoothie was just slop but it's got a fermented egg in it, dear lord. I love John going 'Wow, that really caught me off guard' after he vomited. Brilliant. Jedward rocked that task and Bianca did well, too.
Nicola: 'I don't want Kim to win.' Coleen: 'It will be her or Jedward. I'd like to interview people who vote for her to win.' I'm right here, bitch. They want Jedward to win over Kim. I want Jedward and Kim to tie!
More tweets! Shitstir. Kim: 'Shut your face, shut your gob' to Jedward for no reason. Jedward: 'I'll shut my mind.' Bhahaha.
Kim wants to 'get home tonight'. Jedward most antagonistic? Who are these people they are showing on the screen? They look like the undead.
Jedward accusing James C of 'flirting with Coleen' haha. Nicola thinks 'it's offensive when people are married.' That's cos she's a mega flirt/ drunk mess.
Coleen: 'Apparently I slag you off behind your back.' John: 'It's OK, as long as to our face you're all love.' LOL. I love them. What a great attitude.
 James C called out on his DR bitching and Kim calling him a wonderful actor! Yessss. Kim: 'I wouldn't pick you up with two shitty sticks.' Nicola: 'Don't tell me to shut up.' Kim: 'Then shut up, big gob.' James in the middle of Kim and Nicola. Jedward pissing their pants.
Nicola: 'You're a no good, vile, scum of the earth..'
Kim: 'And you're famous for showing your knockers.' Zing!
Coleen agrees that Kim is vile. Nicola speaks for the house: 'Everyone agrees apart from Jedward.'
Kim: 'Go see a doctor.'
Edward (I can suddenly tell them apart tonight): 'Did I get the answer right?' Fantastic comedy timing. Nothing phases them.
Kim agreeing with Jedward's bitchy DR about Nicola, haha. I love the sour atmosphere.
I love Jedward saying Kim's 'James C needs to grow a set of balls' DR speech was 'award winning'!  And they won the quiz! Winning. Yesterday Kim was my winner for her rock band audition sob story, but tonight Jedward are my winners for eating dog food and being silly. I'm a bit worried about a split vote, so everyone has to vote for Kim AND Jedward a few times! Like at least twice each.
Coleen: 'Kim is the vilest woman I've ever met in my life.' And she's worked on Loose Women. Kim for Loose Women! Now THAT I would watch.
Jedward: 'You look like a gangster in the diary room' to Kim, haha. Kim: 'Half their opinions they don't even believe them as they say them.' That is deep. I agree!
Kim: 'I've never said a word about you boys.' She called them little twerps the other day, but I think it was for a task, haha.
All Nicola has done is try and stand up for women's rights (ie. doing Page 3 and calling other women slags on Twitter.) Not exactly the next Germaine Greer is she? Although she's a better housemate.
Bianca is telling Nicola not to feed the troll. Nicola IS the troll.
I love how rattled Kim's got everyone. No sitting back and coasting in the last week for these motherfuckers, haha. 
Jedward and Kim are bunkering down together. Kim: 'They're gross people.' Haha. Jedward: 'It's awkward when they're talking shit about you.' Aw. Kim: 'They're chinless wonders.'
Kim trying to make James C and Coleen a thing. Love it! It's so not a thing.
Nicola: 'If you paid her enough, she'd get her old saggy boobs out.' Bianca: 'Stop.' Bianca's a good friend.
Jedward: 'I think they should apologise to us for making us feel unwanted.' Good luck with that.
Coleen wants to confront Kim. I hope she does cos she'll get eviscerated, lovey.  
Jedward feel James should apologise to Kim. I hope they tell him too! Edward: 'There's not a peep out of him.' John: 'A bird would tweet more.'
Jedward wants everyone to get along but all the housemates are 'thick'. Yes they are thick. Thick cunts. 'I know Kim's strong and gangster... and just because everyone has an opinion of you, doesn't mean it's true.' So true. Both Kim and Jedward can be profound at times.
I hate James's choices for his fairy story characters, making Kim and Jedward the villians. I've gone right off James C tonight. I thought he was fun yesterday during the rock band task. His reading out the story is good. Outside contact there though with a random camera man.
Kim makes a great witch tipping groo on Bianca's nylon hair. Now I can see all the joins, ick. Kim: 'It smells like a penguin's chuff!' 
I like them making James say 'gang-handed chicken livered buggers.' On the whole though, this was an annoying end to the show, and completely pointless. Thanks Big Brother!
Please vote for Kim and Jedward twice! I'll be podcasting and if Coleen, Nicola or Bianca win, it will be about five minutes long. Vote KIMWARD! Love you.