Saturday, 26 December 2009

Film: District 'fooking' 9

Wow, District 9 was amazing! I think it's probably the best film I've seen all year. Set in Johannesburg, and staring unknowns, it is about a bunch of fairly benign aliens living in a slum, and being relocated due to humans not liking them very much. It is shot in the style of a documentary to a large extent, and reminded me very much of Starship Troupers, and a quite a bit of Terminator, but with more of a heart. It's a right mixture actually; of social commentary, action, sci-fi and the essential, great storytelling.
The film drags you in right from the start, with no dull build up. You get to see the aliens straight away, and you are expected to get up to speed with the facts of the situation in the first five minutes, which I liked. It was non-patronising and kept your interest right from the start (unlike, say paranormal Activitzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).
Whilst there were the obvious political issues of race and immigration floating around, they were present, but not 'rammed down your throat' as The Daily Mail would say, patronisingly.
I really liked the main guy in it, he was a great actor and played a brilliant role; multi-faceted character, unlikeable in the extreme at first (not least due to his accent) but extremely believable as his character went from annoying everyman to desperate fugitive. He really made you give a shit about his character, and it made me laugh every time he said 'fuck' as 'fook'- he sounded Scottish through and through. We even checked the end credits to see if he WAS Scottish. The South African accent is crazy.
The other excellent thing were the aliens; they looked a bit cheapy at first, but due to clever characterisation through the subtitles 'fuck off!' and various outfits, I really grew to love them. I like the fact the hero alien was called Christopher, and the kiddy alien is beyond cute. Christopher's bomber jacket was also totally chi-chi.
The main part of this film is total bang bang, explosion, robot/ alien action fighting, which sounds awful on paper, but was really exciting due to the script being really smart and interesting.
I thought the spaceship just hovering in the sky throughout was also a clever device, as it was like 'the elephant in the room' and you were just waiting for it to all kick off.
The set up for the sequel was so laboured it was almost beyond belief, but I'll forgive 'em cos I want to see that sequel!
If you don't watch this film, you're mad.

Friday, 25 December 2009

Top of the Pops Christmas special: There's a she-wolf in the closet

A Christmas special before I get drunk! My gift to you, mainly because nobody loves me and I'm spending Christmas alone in a bedsit (with the man I love!) Warning: I may break the profanity barrier with this one.
Stop telling me what's coming up! This is where Andi Peti went wrong with this show, no one in their right mind wants to know what's coming up, as they wouldn't watch another minute. Leave it mysterious!!!
I have never heard 95% of these songs. It's fun being out of touch with pop music! This has got a good beat (if only).
Alexandra Burke has nice hair.
Why is the bloke from One True Voice singing with Dizzeeeeeee Rascal? Is he keeping it real? Dizzee is a fucking sell out. This is truly music for munts.
The Saturdays. Well, by Friday life has killed me.
Muse have come dressed in the comedy style, something they've also been applying to their albums for a few years now. Plug in Baby, I miss you.
La Roux just have this one song, right? Her voice is so shrill! Weeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee. Shut up.
Sugababes. I've got diabetes.
JLS. I like JLS, they seem like well-brought up young men and their dancing is amusing. Aston Merrygold has a very festive name. This is one the mums can enjoy.
Florence and the (rage against the) Machine. She looks like she smells of lavender. Is she trying to out-shrill La Roux? Her lyrics make Dizzee Rascal look poetic. She looks like an old goth who's just crawled out of a coffin. Go crawl back in. (I do like one of hers, but it aint this one).
Diversity aint a pop group! This is diluting the brand. I do fancy that one though. No not THAT one, you sick fucker.
Have Kasabian got Johnny Marr on guitar? I wouldn't put it past the old tart. This is abominable. Nice comedy wigs though. Just putting 'fire' in the title doesn't make you Kings of Leon you know, and even they can take their beards and fuck off. Fearne, I need your music recommendations like I need to be locked in a room with Peaches Geldof giving me her home-spun philosophy on Pink Floyd and crop circles.
Seems like going 'ooooh' is pretty much order of the day. Apart from Shakira who went Aaowoooo! And mentioned lycanthropy and coffee machines. Her lyrics are truly a joy. When she's the best thing on a show about music, be afraid.
Robbie Williams was reading his 'lyrics' off an autocue. Wow, this song is really bad, I didn't realise he'd got this bad. 'Hysterical, historical...' fuck off. You look like a haggard fucking old lizardy talentless cunt. Die.
And for your Christmas number one, I bring you a song that was an embarrassment to all involved when I was 13 years old and is now an internet embarrassment sixteen years later. Is there a radio edit? Oh they cut off the end. Fearne sounded bitter about it! LOL. Mysteriously we couldn't 'sing along' to most of it as we had been allowed for the rest of the show. Motherfuckers.
No little Joe Mceldry? You have denied the grans that with their Christmas lunch? You heartless bastards. Now go get drunk whilst I have a little cry.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Wife Swap: The last episode

I'm not sad to see the back of Wife Swap; a tired old format, indeed, but no more so than say 'I'm a Celebrity...' which chugs on unabashed. I understand why they culled Wife Swap; they should have done it about five years ago. I'm still angry about Big Brother, though. That's not a format problem, but a producer problem.
So will Wife Swap go out with a bang or a whimper? Let's see.
Tori is a 'lady who lunches' (i.e. spends her husband's money). They have 5 houses, but no romance. She swapped with Sam, who has seven kids! Wow, that's a lot. They seemed poor but happy.
Sam started crying because Tori had a nicer kitchen than her. Tori started crying because Sam only had 2 grand coming into her house a month. Both the women reminded me of each other quite a lot, which doesn't make for the most explosive episode. All Wife Swap seems to do is confirm sexist roles, and that being a housewife is total drudgery. I know they seek out the 'extremes' but it's sad to think that so many lives are still defined in this way, and that people don't even question it.
The 'rich' husband said 'what my wife does in a day is a mystery to me.' How sad.
The one good thing about Wife Swap is, of course, there is always SOMETHING to learn from another family's way of doing things, some saving grace. The 'rich' wife sounded like a right snob saying she could learn nothing from the council estate mum. She could learn to spend some time with her husband, for a start. Plus she looked AS rough as the council estate mum, even with all that cash. 90 grand aint that much anyway between a couple plus a family. That's less per head than what I live on if you divide it by 4.
Tori made a twat of herself at the table meeting. She was really looking down her nose, which was unbecoming. The husband she got to swap with was a nice bloke; she got lucky if anything.
I don't blame Sam for walking out; Tori was just plain rude. If someone has to come in and tell you to spend time with the little people you've given birth to, you're the idiot, Tori, money or not.
And so ends Wife Swap. Which is fine, but can we have the brand new spangly fresh-idea programming now?

Monday, 14 December 2009

Live: Placebo at Manchester Central

My name is lightupvirginmary, and I am a Placebo addict. I have listened to nothing but Placebo for 6 months. My boyfriend and I watch Placebo play live at Rock AM Ring 2006 pretty much every weekend, combined with a bunch of our other favourite Placebo gigs, interspersed with our Placebo remix youtube disco. It is obsessive. My last FM has seen Placebo overtake The Killers, Patrick Wolf and Bloc Party. Even Morrissey has looked nervously at their onslaught. (Bright Eyes has a fairly reasonable lead, but with his latest output, even Conor would be wise to be worried).
So it didn't feel real that we were going to actually get to see them; although how I've not seen them beforehand, I do not know. I must have seen the Manic Street Preachers ten different times at festivals over the past 15 years, so why never Placebo, as I was always a fan? Because it was all building up to this moment, that's why!
I really didn't want to go see them at the O2, as I saw Coldplay there and it was like watching a gig in an aircraft hangar. So we decided to go up to the old Gmex in Manchester and make a weekend of it. Beforehand I was dreaming about Placebo pretty much constantly, panicking Molko was going to get killed in a plane crash or something. Or that I'd get killed and he'd come to my funeral and hook up with my boyfriend. Serious anxiety dreams!
We arrived about 6.30 and there was quite a sizeable queue. I expected everyone to be about 16 but there was a bit of a mix, and more men than I thought there'd be. We got a pretty good spot, to the right side of the barrier (Stefan side!) and did the usual no liquids policy so we could stand our ground all night. The support bands weren't that great; the name of the first one escapes me, but it was quite unwieldy and they were a bit bland. The second support was the Horrors; great if you're into Gonzo from the Muppets shuffling round impersonating Pete Doherty. I SWEAR I saw the singer yawn at one point! I saw the Horrors once before and they were shit then, and shit now, but with an 80s keyboard thrown in. Fuck off.
And then... the Battle for The Sun began! We saw the mics being set up and were a bit miffed because Brian's was right on the left hand side of the stage (we'd gone right for Stefan!) But I shouldn't complain because we were in the front row, and some of the footage of people's view at the O2 was so bad may as well have been on a different continent.
They opened with For What It's Worth, then did Ashtray Heart and Battle for the Sun. I think I was in shock for the first three songs, because I can't remember then very well. The lights were spectacular; when you're used to seeing Morrissey in small venues, this was a bit special; they'd actually spent a few quid. The big screen behind them was tilted at an angle and looked quite epic. The first old song they played was 'Soulmates' which I can't stand so I got my camera out at this point, but my photos were all pretty awful. There was a glut of dodgy songs in the middle; Follow the Cops Back Home (which is obviously a fan favourite, but I think the lyrics are lame) and Special Needs (enough said). But songs like Breathe Underwater and Julien off the new album were fun to hear. The definite highlight of the first part was Every Me, Every You- the guitar bit they do at the start and the end is just magical. And I can die happy now I've heard him go 'every meheeeeeee and every yeeeeeehooooow!' You couldn't wipe the smile off my face after that (although it did waver when he played Blind, which is the dullest song on Meds by a mile). He's doing a Moz and making us work for the good stuff, which is his right.
Was also thrilled to hear the actual song Meds. Was un-thrilled to hear Song to Say Goodbye (my oh my) as it's such a weak song, and when they went off after it, I just thought it was a bit lazy (goodbye, then off for the encore).
But they came back on with a vengeance. Bright Lights sounded lovely live. Special K was a singalong classic (as it should be) and The Bitter End was just fantastic. I was really scared that new violinist was going to screech all over it but she didn't. I still miss the 'suicide' bit at the end, but Brian obviously can't be arsed to sing that bit anymore.
Then they went off again and I thought that was it and turned to my boyfriend and went 'where's infra-red?' because it's his favourite song. And at that exact second the intro to it kicked in. Honestly, it was soooo good! It was really amazing. Then they finished with Taste in Men, which I think is a weird song to end with, but it did sound really decent. Stefan also came down into the crowd and was larking about which was a bit of excitement.
What else? I really like the end when they all came to the front of the stage and bowed, there was a nice feeling to it. Stefan was wearing a silver suit which was the best thing I've ever seen him wear (and we've watched a LOT of gigs, as I said). Brian looked cute with a little bob (my boyfriend said he looked haggard but he loves writing off every popstar we go to see).
When we got in we watched a 2009 gig from Paris and he gave them some of the same patter he gave us! Cheeky. And I will not rest until I hear Because I Want You live. Seriously, I need to hear it.
All in all, totally lived up to my expectations, and can't wait to see them again. I love Brian so much. I wouldn't at all be surprised if we went abroad to see them. How else are we going to hear Protege Moi?

The X Factor: The Final(s)

This blog is seriously tardy but I was away for the weekend (seeing Placebo! Blog to follow) and am just watching the X Factor now. Through serious willpower and switching off my phone I have avoided the result entirely! Go me. Although I almost got caught out first thing with a glimpse of The Wright Stuff but switched it off just in time!
I did catch Saturday's show late on Saturday night and was unsurprised to see Stacey well and truly jibbed. On first, and given Michael Buble, who's name I can barely spell, whilst Olly was given Robbie Williams, and 'my little popstar' got George Michael. Stacey was the fall girl, and she knew it, I think. The less said about Olly's version of Superstition the better. Plus his sixhead looks like it's going into battle with Ant McPartlin's.
So now I don't really care who wins as I don't like either. Olly wants to win so bad, the desperation is rolling off him. Send him back to the call centre. Little Joe shows little emotion either way, he's just beyond boring.
It pisses me off when they sing a song they've sung before in the final, it's so cheap. You're supposed to be in training to be a popstar! Simon said 'Olly's giving not 112% but 150%'. Well I always minus points for anything over 100, so in actual fact he's only giving 50%. It's just not good enough.
Twist and Shout is such a dreadful song. I just don't get it. Louis described Olly as 'bubbly'. So that's why his shirts are so tight.
What are these awful songs they are singing? I feel like I'm at a really shit musical. Last night wasn't much better either.
Aw Alexandra and JLS! Last year was better. Leona is good, too. We've had the dregs this year.
So who have they made the song suit so that person is bound to win? Let's find out.
Mountains! I can move, move, move any mountain! Strings. Choir. Fireworks! Are you crying yet? Olly is; so vote. (Oh, it was a day ago)
Ok I want Olly to win now. He did sing the end of that song well. Plus I'm sick of the Joe support.
Christ they are dragging this fucker out and I've fast forwarded half of it.
George Michael! Didn't say much to Dermy. Paul McCartney! I'd rather watch Heather Mills on Dancing on Ice. Unless he's going to do the Frog Chorus with Jedward I don't wanna know.
Oh Dermot get out from Macca's bum-hole. It's cringeworthy. He's just a sad old man in a wig.
I want to see the rampant home crowds after their pick has lost. Now that would be funny. Watch them cry!
I liked Joe's reaction when he won, he looked like he was going to pass out. Olly was a gracious loser, too.
Even so. If Jedward aren't richer/ more successful than Joe in 3 years time I'd be surprised. Bring on Celeb Big Brother!

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Horizon: On Population Growth

David Attenborough! Tackling humans as well as the furry 'uns. Too many people on this planet! Yes, yes yes. Exterminate!
80 million people are born a year. Cross your legs, people. Think of the environment.
Apparently we need to DOUBLE the amount of food on the planet to sustain population growth. Eek. I work in child hunger; and I know that's not good news. The figures for malnourished children in the world are startling.
The amount of people on the planet has TRIPLED since David Attenborough was a child! That's quite shocking.
I agree, population control IS a contentious issue, because it is seen as meddling, and we have all heard that the draconian enforcing of that sort of rule leads to horror stories of babies in gutters. But god! There is a lot of us, taking up a lot of space.
Wow some of these figures are nuts. There's going to be an extra 2.4 BILLION people on the planet by 2050. In the next 40 years the earth needs to accommodate more people than live at the moment in the whole of Europe, Africa and North and South America! SHIT! Where are we going to put them? I only live in a bedsit.
I jest but those figures are SCARY. You think people would be panicking more about this. And of course, the families who will have most babies are poor people in the developing world.
Obviously part of the reason there are so many people alive is, of course, technological advances, and our brilliant sciences, so we survive illnesses that killed us so often in the past. Plus people are living longer, despite all the bad things we like doing.
So what are we going to run out of? Only 1% of water on the planet is suitable for human consumption and a billion people have a lack of access to water.
I normally avoid programmes about affects on climate because it just seems everyone is arguing about it and it's just over-saturation; but this programme was really interesting.
Wow, I've emailed that Olivier De Schutter guy at work who was talking about secret land deals in Africa. That's kind of cool. He chaired a big meeting we did.
So basically we're running out of food, water and oil (and animals, because we keep making them extinct).
So what's the solution? Looking after the planet better, technological advances, and the biggie, having less children.
I didn't know China's one child policy was still in place! Nuts! Apparently it's prevented 400 million people being born (and having siblings!)
The Indian vasectomy festivals sound like a riot where they gave them the snip for some cash. But then it went a step too far (I'll say!) In 1977 they introduced a thing where if you were guilty of commiting a crime as small as having no ticket for the train and they caught you, they sterilised you!!! What the FUCK!? They sterilised 8 MILLION people in 1977 in India on that basis. Jesus!
Obviously the more educated women are, the less children they have (only idiots have children). So teaching women to be independent and educated is obviously a better result that forcing them to get sterilised! This means contraception is important. Yes contraception. It's not difficult. It's pretty easy.
Personally, my contribution to Mother Nature will be not reproducing. Does it get me out of the recycling?

Monday, 7 December 2009

Rich Man, Poor Man: Ben Dover

Look at that title! Catchy! Where have all the good documentaries gone? Did the credit crunch eat them? Even the worst kind of reality TV that I loved so dearly seems to have shuffled off the TV schedules. So I'm reduced to watching this old rot. And on BBC2, too! Licence payers' money! This sounds like Channel 5 stuff.
This show follows 'britain's top porn star' Lindsay Honey (Ben Dover- ho ho ho) as he 'branches out' into regular acting. Hold on, doesn't Lindsay Honey sound like a porn star name anyway? Should have stuck with that.
I'm not sure I have much truck with a porn star who looks like Keith Harris without the duck and talks like Del Boy. I can't work out if he's wearing a toupee or just has the worst haircut this side of Boris Johnson. Sexy is not a word that springs to mind; I have no urge whatsoever to look up one of his films.
Here's Lindsay at the porno lifetime achievement awards! Let's snigger at porn title puns! He actually called porn 'showbiz.' Lols.
So he doesn't want to do Proust, but wouldn't mind being in a soap. At least he's aiming low. He does have morals though; he doesn't like torture porn or degradation!
It's funny to think of him pining to be 'respectable' whilst in his big old mansion which he bought from fucking. You always want what you haven't got; how many shelf stackers want to be in a porno, and how many porno actors want to be in Hollywood? It's just degrees of the food chain.
The part where he was trying to become an actor and going to lessons (i.e. the middle half an hour) was pretty boring. I think Five might have injected some comedy.
Surprise surprise, he didn't get offered any very good acting parts. An alcoholic and father christmas, neither of which he could be bothered to do. He seemed surprised that some actors do badly paid (or no paid) jobs just for the love of it and ruled out working for free (ie. working his way up) even though he could easily afford it.
So in the end he went back to porn. Sorry for ruining the ending. Bring back the freak docs, please.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

The X Factor: Semi Final

Disclaimer: I'm a bit hungover so I think this is going to be a bit of a mean blog. Sorry contestants.
They are gonna give it 150%! Just watch them. Oh are we still bigging up Michael Jackson? Zzzz. Is he mentoring from beyong the grave via Derek Acorah? Him and his songs and his 'legacy' and his family can just go bury themselves, as far as I'm concerned. The ongoing hysteria is unedifying, let him rest, and let me not have to hear about him, please.
Hearing them going on about their 'dream' and not wanting to go back to the day job is just getting boring now. Olly looked and sounded awful; his sixhead looked enormous tonight. Going 'woo!' in a song is unforgivable, I don't care if it's MJ week.
I had to fast forwards Joe for reasons of taste and decency. It's just boring as fuck. But do you know what? I have faith that the British public will support an underdog over this bland little robot.
I thought Stacey seemed nervous. Her 'dancing' wasn't good and it affected her voice. Great; are we going to have an all (dull) boy final? Oh dear; Dannii pulled out the 'infected teeth' defence. This doesn't bode well.
I thought Danyl was the best of the lot vocally. *awaits barbed comment from Cheryl* Omg, she stood up. Perhaps she had a wedgie.
2nd song. Olly's song was awful; you can tell Simon chose it. His dancing is beyond rubbish. I think he could be vulnerable this week. I'd rather see him go than Stacey.
I know the song Joe sung that Simon said no one knew. Wish I didn't though.
The second song Stacey sang was dire, whatever they said. Again Danyl was the best, but the fireworks and everything smacked of desperation a bit. God I feel so grumpy about X Factor today. I apologise. Bring back Lloyd. (Not really)

Monday, 30 November 2009

Film: Paranormal Activity

Last night I watched Paranormal Activity (clunky title), a film touted as the scariest thing EVER and certain to keep you awake at night. So I was pretty excited.
Paranormal Activity has been promoted as an on-the-cheap work of genius, made for 9K and made 50 million dollars at the box office, a Blair Witch for the zeros, a handheld horror that is really gonna shit us up.
But no. For starters, it is SLOW. Really slow. It clocks in at 1.37 and they could have cut it to an hour and it would have still been a little flabby. The couple are unlikeable. Not a problem in a way; let’s watch them suffer. But they are actually really annoying. The girl is whiney, and the boyfriend is a complete idiot- and I mean an utter tosser. To the pair of them: Just LEAVE THE HOUSE. Get in the car and GO.
Nothing happens for at least half an hour (and I’m being generous), and when it does, it’s just a few bumps, interspersed with the pair of them arguing and moaning. The psychic guy isn’t much bloody use either. There are a couple of bits later on that will make you jump, and the end is quite sinister, but it wasn’t worth it.
Good things; a female lead who is normal-sized and the house is quite scary. That’s about it. It’s just nowhere near frightening enough. I want to be terrifed!
This reminded me of Rec. in that there was too much chat, not enough horror/ fear. For handheld camera joy, go see Cloverfield if you haven’t already. For genuine terror, go watch Eden Lake. Then never go to the shops again, as the sight of a chav will give you a panic attack.
No idea why this has got such good reviews. I’ve seen it all a million times, and the story line isn’t that well realised either. The ‘this film is gleaned from police video’ schtick might have worked on a 90s audience; we’re a bit too knowing now. Personally, I prefer Paranormal Attack.

Sunday, 29 November 2009

The X Factor: The Zzz factor

Sorry I've been neglectful of my blog this week; there just doesn't seem to be that much good on telly. I'm a Celebrity is virtually unwatchable. They killed Owen in Enders. And now Jedward is out of the X Factor, can it be any good? I don't love any of the contestants in it. I like Stacey, and that's about it.
Theme: Take That and Elton John. When will it be Placebo week? (Never). I hope someone does a Million Love Songs, that's my fave. But just don't let it be Lloyd. Danyl on first! Is it his turn to go?
God I HATE Cheryl Cole. Why is she so sour? I know she married an idiot, but don't take it out on us, you hard-faced cow.
It was nice to see Danyl dancing around. I thought he did well, and I thought he looked kinda sexy. Don't stick the knife in, Dannii. Cheryl said he was 'camp.' Would she say that to Joe, or Lloyd?
Haha, Cheryl pulled 'little popstar' out to describe Lloyd again! How much does she get paid for just repeating the same old trot? It's useless. Oh christ, it IS Lloyd doing Million Love Songs. Boo.
What is Olly wearing? He looks like a pudgy baby in a jumpsuit. Sang OK though, except for the hideous cheesiness of it all.
Urgh, Joe. Can we ever get rid of him? I'm pining for Jedward.
I thought Stacey was really good, and I hate that Take That song. That girl can sing.
Now for the Elton John tyranny. This show is too long. Lloyd; awful. Danyl sung in the wrong key. Still; I'm glad he got good comments.
Olly; are those bikini-clad women strictly necessary? Joe was Joe. Please don't let him win. Stacey didn't do as well on the second song.
I'm finding it hard to care this week. Will blog something good in the week instead.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

The X Factor: Jedward; I know it's over.

So George Michael couldn't be bothered to get out of his car and come to the studio; probably too busy having a bifta at home. I like some George Michael songs, namely Freedom (by Wham) and Praying for Time, neither of which were sung by our contestants last night.
Jedward looked sharp, Danyl sounded a bit off, Stacey did a song I'd never heard George sing in my life, Olly did the worst George Michael song of all time (Fast Love) and when Joe 'my little popstar' did the best performance of the night, it is deeply upsetting. I forgot to mention Lloyd? As he was on first, let's hope the voters did, too. That's clearly what the producers are hoping.
My mum told me Cheryl is having an affair with Joe! Joe! What magazine has she been reading? Disturbing News Monthly? World's Biggest Lies?
So they've dug up the Boyle. Yeah I get it, ugly person can sing. Next! (mind you, I always feel a bit nervous when they get her to speak, which is quite diverting)
Ah, now it's Maria cuntbag Carey. GIVE HER THE KITTENS! Give her the doves. Then punch her smug fucking face. Is she miming?! What is that effect on her voice? It sounds like it's been through the fairylight mixer. My god, she sounded like a struggling dolphin at the end. Fetch me some tuna!
FUCK! Is it the end of 'young kids love them' Jedward (again!) How can this be? SOB! Get rid of Olly!
Damn the people booing Jedward as they stand in one place singing that shitty Boyzone song out of tune. Jedward are lush. Aw it was like kids singing at your door at Christmas! *pets them*
Why is Olly singing in a faux american accent? Get lost, Olly. This song sucks.
Dannii 'is it a singing competition?' No, it's a entertainment programme! Shame no one was listening to her.
In the words of Emmy the Great (almost): Farewell to (J)ed, for (J)ed is dead. BOO. Fuck you, world. PS: Olly, your popularity is on the wane, big time. You broke our favourite toy. :-(

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here (please)

I hate myself for even writing this. I hate this programme, it's like the anti-big brother, like it felched off BB but just took all the worst bits and then added animal cruelty for good measure. But it's still watchable, especially in a barren schedule.
The contestants this year are absolutely pathetic; pawns to Queen Katie of Price. The only one with any spunk so far is Kim 'how clean is your house' Woodbine. I thought Colin and Justin might be OK but I get the feeling they are going to be crawling round Katie just like everyone else, despite the acerbic diary room entries.
I can't stand the tasks (nothing can top Burrell and Gaffney, so why bother?), I'm only interested in the relationships; but there aren't any now, they are all just Jordan's bitches, talking about her, placating her, commenting on her deformed body. And wtf is up with her FACE? It looks simultaneously swollen and frozen, with comedy black eyebrows painted on her immovable forehead like a demonic child created her in an art class. Those teeth are an absolute joke too, they looks like comedy teeth, one size too big and Simon Cowell-white. I can't STAND veneers, they are vile! Embrace the wonky gnashers. Especially as she had perfectly normal teeth before anyway. The sound of her voice drains the life out of me; it makes monotone sound like falsetto.
She came in to 'set the record straight' about Peter Andre? Could another single syllable be uttered about this defunct relationship? She's totally fucking herself, because people started to respect her when she went in the jungle last time, I remember thinking she was quite a hard-arse during those tasks. Now I just think she's a hard-faced cunt. She had a toughness but a beauty about her before; now she's just a bleating kiss-and-tell on wheels, a crass tanorexic in a bad wig. GET OFF MY SCREEN!
There was something tragic about her reminiscing about the man she basically destroyed. She carps on about how she's over it; but I think she's still smarting. The whole jungle thing is just 'look at me'; but there's nothing underneath. And the next person to say she's a 'good businesswoman' should immediately be thrown from a bridge by Ant and Dec. Then throw Ant and Dec.
The boob talk is puerile and predictable. Zzzz. The conversation about farting was just pathetic; apparently women aren't allowed to according to the sexist chef twat. Why is this show always ten times more sexist than Big Brother? Must just be celebrities being out of touch. The editing on Celebrity is always shit too; they have barely shown at least half the people in the camp. I don't knwo who they are, and I'm not even getting a chance to find out! Genius.

Belle de Jour: Naughty Scientist. Bring on the onslaught.

So with Belle de Jour outing herself (well, did she jump or was she pushed?) this week, both sides of the press are chucking in their two pence worth. Yet both the liberal and the tory press seem to be saying the same thing. So I'm going to say something different.
I've read in both The Guardian and the Daily Hate today articles saying Dr Brooke Magnanti (yes she's a doctor as well as a whore; mindblowing, isn't it) is 'glamorising' prostitution. Advertising it, even. But I still feel like they are missing the point.
I am a feminist. I know the facts, and I'm sure she does. Many, many women are forced into prostitution. Many women (and men) are sexually abused as children and go on to be prostitutes. Many prostitutes are on drugs. Many prostitutes are raped and hurt by disgusting, evil men. But that was NOT Brooke's experience. It does not negate those other experiences. It is just ONE PERSON'S EXPERIENCE. You can quote any manner of statistics, and they are true, I'm certain, but it does not mean it happened to her.
It does not change the fact that her blog was well-written, and people enjoyed reading it, and she enjoyed writing it. The TV show is a bit of fun, like Footballers Wives or something. It's not the only example of a prostitute's experience on the planet. I think the horrific murders by serial killer Steve Wright illustrated the other side quite plainly. Remember that? Probably not. You might remember Jeremy Clarkson thought it was funny (twat).
But back to the other side of it- no, ONE other side of it. I realise this is a higely divisive issue, but personally, I want women to make their own choices about how they earn money. No one wants to grow up to become a prostitute, but some women want that WAG lifestyle without having to put up with the footballer. And even that is stereotyping, because it's not like prostitutes are either earning a few grand a night or standing on the street corner, there's plenty of 'working class' or 'middle class' ones working from home, that no one even knows about, because you're not meant to (unless they dare to write a blog, detailing the reality). It's not something you advertise in the phonebox, unless of course, you do.
I don't want to dictate to women what to do for a living. I read today that it's about women being 'used' but guess what, some women (as well as men) like to be used. Some women can dissociate themselves from sex for money; god, there are enough 20 year olds married to 80 year olds to prove that point. And who am I to judge if that's right or wrong? Between CONSENTING ADULTS (please take note)- it's none of my business. It's none of YOUR business!
I don't even agree with criminalising the punter, because it shouldn't be illegal. Our bodies are our own, it's up to us what we do with them, and if someone wants to buy them, and we are willing to sell. I repeat, this isn't the case if the woman is being forced into it. And I understand poverty forces women into it. But poverty forces people out the door every day to do all sorts of unbearable shit. That's how it is.
The 'happy hooker' isn't a myth. I trust Dan Savage, and he knows many.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

The X Factor: 2 birds, one blog

Round up, round up.
Queen night! Well I guess Brian May's diary is free as long as the 5ive reunion isn't scheduled any time soon. Hey ho, I'm sure it's what Freddie would have wanted.
Well Jedward had already shouted their way through We Will Rock You a couple of weeks ago so that was their obvious choice gone. I was certain they were going to do Radio Gaga but the Vanilla Ice schtick was inspired. They genuinely have got better; and they make me laugh a lot. Stacey and them are the only acts I really look forward to. Jamie is turgid; Danyl is desperate, Joe is just plain shit. Olly ('I punch like a girl'= I'm a sexist) I can take or leave. My boyfriend reckons there's something sinister behind his broken fingers, I wouldn't like to speculate.
I don't think Simon should have apologised for saving Jedward; I don't he should apologise for anything, except having Cheryl as a judge. Modelling the Croydon facelift last night, she looked every inch the council-estate crony she is, and not like the Nation's Princess (tm).
Calvin 'I like all the girls' Harris! Officially less famous than Jedward and dissed by Louis. Ouch. Well it wasn't exactly Jarvis storming MJ at the Brits, was it?
The medley on the results show is hot with embarrassment. I'm always expecting them to sell me a car like on American Idol. Ah, there's Brian May. 5ive still aint come knocking.
Brian May likes 'the girl'. Yeah, she has a name. Does he call his wife 'the perm'?
Shakira: underneath your clothes, there's an endless story. I get her confused with Anastasia. Miming! My Little Phoney. Shakira's advice to contestants: 'Intelligent effort'! Well, it's better than Whitney gawping at the floor for crack crumbs, I guess.
Charity single! I'm still expecting them to sell me a car. Is this song by the people's paedo really suitable to raise money for kids? Now we really DO need the stage invasion from Jarvis/ Calvin/ a lone gunman. Where's Jedward? Ah they got four words. Don't fuck it up!
Ah an advert for Queen's greatest hits! What a pleasant coincidence.
When Joe went through my boyfriend said 'who's he?' which I think sums it up, really. Bit worried Jedward are vulnerable this week. Can't see Simon sticking his neck out again. I want Lloyd to go! Yay, Jedward are safe! Phew. Bye bye Lloyd.
Did Dannii get her My Little Pony hair off Shakira? Neigh! Where did Jamie get those trousers from? I like The Show Must Go On but he murders everything he does. Plus did we need more Freddie? Hasn't he been through enough tonight? Jamie did seem self-assured to me, though, and it's not surprising up against a singer than makes you pine for Eggnog Quiggles. Oh, it should have been Ethan.
Louis has so got it in for Jamie, he's such an arsehole. Jamie is clearly a better singer than Lloyd. Pathetic. Simon looked suitably startled. Thought Jamie took it very well- I think he realised that releasing a Leona-style pop single probably wasn't for him.
Jedward lives. Kill Lloyd. End.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

The X Factor (and Xtra factor!): In Brief

I did watch the X factor live last night but was a bit tired to blog. I thought Stacey was good and was annoyed by Simon's comment that she was 'vulnerable', she was sexy and her voice sounded really nice. Olly has a good voice and was lumbered with a bad song. Danyl was on form; I'm sick of that sour-faced Cheryl Cole digging him out. Lucy seems to have been put in a 'teemo' category, and it doesn't suit her because it's not her natural style. And what was with the Stacey impression? That shit is catching. Lloyd needs to go home- tonight. And why do the judges rave about Jamie and Joe? I thought they were both flat. Jedward were genius, obviously. Ghostbusters? Inspired.
Why DO the contestants wear the same clothes on the friday and saturday show? Can't they afford another set? Credit crunch.
Black Eyed Peas! Made Jedward look credible. Can you think of a worst band on the planet? I can't. Is there an UGLIER band on the planet? I doubt it. Thank fuck for fast forward.
Leona is pretty good, isn't she? I mean it's not my thing but she's got a hell of a voice on her. Mind out for those loopy fans, Leona- wear a helmet!
I'm actually pretty shocked Jedward were in the bottom two. I thought they had millions of fans?! It will suck if they go, and I can't see how they can survive with the judges voting. Boo! Don't think Lucie should be in the bottom though, either. Her sing-off song was crap, though.
Oh christ, John and Edwards sing off-song was Rock DJ, the worst song of all time. Watching them bobbing about for their little lives was quite sad.
I felt quite nervous when they were deciding! Didn't think Simon would take it to deadlock, LOL! Hope he saved Jedward. Haha, he did! Poor Lucie.
Danni said 'it should never have happened!' Hehehe! Jedz on the Xtra Factor 'what's a backlash?' You're about to find out.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Live: Morrissey at Alexandra Palace

Had an unexpected treat last night as my boyfriend won two tickets to see Morrissey at Alexandra Palace on Facebook! We’d decided against going due to money and having already seen him 3 times this year, so it was really great to have this extra chance. The only bad part was I’d already looked at the setlist! Boo. But he did mix it up.
I saw Moz at Alexandra Palace in 2005, even getting a piece of hallowed shirt (well, not me directly, but I seem to have won THAT custody battle). Last time I didn’t like AP much as a venue, it’s a bit airport hanger-y and I remember being stuck on the bus trying to get out of there for what felt like years. This time though (maybe because it was free!) everything seemed easy. There was no pressure to have a good time, and we were just lucky the old man was still standing, really.
Doll and the Kicks were good as usual, although not impressed with the guitarist’s haircut, I liked his massive afro! I thought ‘If you care’ was very moving. The other songs do sound a bit the same, but they’re all good the same, so that’s not too bad. I like Doll, fantastic outfit, she looked very cool (nightmare before Christmas shadows are so very now!), and I like her slightly ‘drunk grandma at a wedding’ dancing. The best Moz support band EVER. Buy the album, I did.
Then there’s the insufferable video clips. Seriously, I thought I’d escaped that tyranny. I want my own youtube disco to force on people; clips of brian molko tipping over a table, clips of courtney love with one foot on the speaker, conor oberst miserably telling us to become vegans, and Richard off Pointless telling people off for not listening to the question SPECIFICALLY. Don’t think it’s gonna happen.
And then. We were quite close to the front at the side, and these two very loud Scottish guys came behind us, and I just knew we were in for trouble! Everyone surged forward for this charming man and I was getting totally battered, so just had to move back about three rows, which was fine, as I still had a really good view. For some reason my boyfriend chose to stay in the middle getting molested and sung at, but we were reunited in time for (ugh) The Loop.
I though the first six songs were the best, the atmosphere was rowdy but buzzing and the pace of songs was kept up well. Very much enjoyed Was it Really So Strange, always nice to hear one you’ve never heard before. Was also pleased to hear First of the Gang early as I’m sick of it as an encore. I could actually enjoy it, and then there was the mystery of what might be the encore instead! Stand out song of the night for me was Ganglord; I think he does it beautifully live. Really strong performance.
Cemetry Gates was nice to hear but it seemed a bit limp live to me for some reason. Liked ‘stonely read the graves’ for a lyric change though. Mid set there was a bit of a lull; Paris (bothered) and Teenage Dad, a dire song, with lyrics that make Brian Molko look opaque. I like Ask but I can take it or leave it. I quite like his cover of Moon Over Kentucky, his yodelling in it is pleasing (it’s better than Redondo beach, right). How Soon Is Now I’ve just seen too many times, plus I don’t like that cut and paste version, it’s all about the build up at the start for me. Because of My Poor Education can fuck off, I couldn’t even sing you a line of it. I‘d rather hear Asian Rut (I have no idea how that goes, but how bad can it be, right?). And One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell over Mama? Ich don’t think so!
Death at One’s Elbow is silly but was fun to hear, Crashing Bores, if I never hear again will be too soon (and I used to love it!). His shows are quite Quarry heavy but I’d like to hear I Have Forgiven Jesus or something just for a change. The Loop has never been acceptable, and will never be, you can take The Loop and Sing Your Life and shove them up Boz Boorer’s arse. People didn’t seem as wildly enthusiastic about The Loop as they were at Brixton though; they were literally intoxicated by the shitness of it there. I despaired for humanity.
The set ended on a high, Irish Blood doesn’t date, it’s still powerful, and I’m OK By Myself is bloody brilliant. I love the screeching/ cardboard box bit at the end, it’s amazing, like a glimpse of Moz as a real rocker. It works fantastically live (and I’ll even bite my tongue about the shoulder/ revolver line). I like hearing Squeezing My Skull too, not sure it’s strong enough for an encore, but I enjoyed it a lot. When he threw his shirt in at the end I got an elbow in my chest (pain at one’s elbow) and was winded! Honestly, people (no, men) are too aggressive, it’s not worth trampling on someone’s head for a bit of Moz’s shirt; I’ve got a bit, so I know.
Banter: he was taking a lot, slagging off Michael BublURGH (‘England looks after it’s own’), David Cameron for shooting stags, and mentioning he was wearing a purple poppy for all the animals killed ‘against their will’ in the war. Were any willingly slaughtered, I wonder?! Good old Mozzy. I thought he was on good form; I’ve seen him when he’s been a right grumpy sod before, but he seemed up for it last night. His voice was strong, too. And the lights were quite good. My boyfriend said Moz looked ropey, but I didn’t think so.
I do have a couple of pics too, perhaps I’ll post later.
Bit disappointed there was no Nowhere Fast, but no worries. I still think the setlist wasn’t bad, despite my grumbles (it’s Moz, we’re allowed to grumble!)
Got out of there SMOOTHLY too. Very good indeed. Thanks Facebook. I enjoyed being on the guesty. Next stop: Molko in Manchester. Bring on the fine whines!

Sunday, 1 November 2009

The X Factor: Rock Week (and results!)

I'm doing the main show and the results in one hit as I am only just catching up now. So if I'm irrelevant, I apologise.
Rock week sounds hopeful. What are we going to have, Placebo, the Killers? No, Katie Perry.
What has Cheryl got on her boobs? Looks like a couple of hubcaps.
Little Joe, my little popstar, you get on my wick. Oh they've put him in a leather jacket. He's not exactly Ozzy Osbourne, is he? No idea what that song was, but it wasn't rock, in my opinion.
I prefer Cheryl with her hair up. Her big hair gets on my nerves.
Lucie looked good as a rock chick, like a more bearable Mel C. I quite liked her performance.
Aw Danyl is fucking up his song because no one likes him! The nation is bi-phobic! The bisexual community needs to get behind him. But his fucking up DID seem very stage managed. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon told him to force a tear out. I like Danyl. He looked very handsome this week. He can sing. Cheryl is a bitch for sticking it to him when he's down either way. Simon, you can't say someone is 'undoubtedly probably' the best singer in the competition, those things cancel each other out.
Katy Perry is not rock!!! It's cock, but not rock. Lloyd can't sing. Get rid. I've done better than that at karaoke. And shouldn't he change the lyrics to 'I kissed a guy'? Damn straights.
Stacey's doing Somewhere Only We Know! Keane's one good song! She's murdering it. That song is fun to sing, I used to have it on Singstar. She sounds out of time with the music. Her dancing is duff. I don't think she can concentrate on two things at once, if you know what I mean (she's thick). Louis said the song is boring. Wrong! That song is lush. Can't believe the judges thought that was OK.
Argh Jamie doing Get Your Rocks off. I notice they took 'whores keep whoring and junkies keep scoring' out of it. That's not very rock n roll. Get Your Rocks Off requires no ability to sing whatsoever. Please let me never hear it again. Louis is right. Kerrang does not endorse X Factor rock!
I like Rachel and (whisper it) I like that U2 song. Fuck what have they done to her hair? They've Danniified it! Bring back the mohawk. I don't think it's wise to change her image each week, as it makes it harder to identify with her for the casual viewer. Imagine if they shaved the twins heads?
The Jedward quiffs are getting massive! They are like Sampson. It's quite a neat trick to get them to sing that Queen song, as it has no tune. They didn't look very sexy this week though, which is a shame as I think them in eyeliner as a theory works well.
I hate the Beatles, but I thought Olly's voice sounded good. Thus ends Saturday's show.
And now tonight's show! I'm X-Factored out already, and this is with no adverts, and no Xtra factor! I hope Lloyd or Jamie go tonight.
John Bon Jovi! Is he made of plastic? He's not ageing, is he? Bon Jovi were the first band I ever saw live. Milton Keynes bowl! Good times. Lighters aloft.
JLS on a giant picnic table! I'd scream if any of them were the slightest bit good-looking. Aston Merrygold indeed. He looks 6.
An advert for Bon Jovi! What a coincidence (!) Lloyd and Rachel in the bottom two. Hope Lloyd goes.
I hate the way Cheryl acts so hard done by when it's one of hers; she's a manipulative shrew. Don't gvie Lloyd your sympathy vote! Send him back to his mummy!
Deadlock! Rachel's out. Shame. She looks defeated. Racist Britain strikes again. Hold your head up high girl, go get your mohawk and your mojo back.

Friday, 30 October 2009

Fearne and... Peaches Geldof

It appears a bit of the show title is missing, as the beginning of that sentence should obviously be, 'Who's your two least favourite faux-indie hangbag-carrying twonks?' If I sit here for a bit longer I could make that joke work, but I can't be bothered, so just laugh already, thanks!
Fearne (not just as good as Holly Willoughby) at least works for a living, even if she does have an obscene amount of revolting handbags, Peaches, well, with that face, she doesn't have so many options.
So Fearne goes to 'shadow' Peaches going about her business (of being a cunt). What is 'unpresidented' access, Fearne? Only you can tell us. She begins by telling us some 'myths' about Peaches; how about the one where anyone on the planet would find her attractive or funny?
Fearne is intensely irritating, from her stupid bowler hat downwards. Peaches talks like twat, because she is a twat. Why does she always sound like she's got a blocked up nose (ahem). She sounds like she'd say 'charity' 'charidee'. Her flat is fairly horrible. Mentions that Peaches is weird (by herself) so far: 1.
I like, this like, that, like... argh! What with Fearne's insincerity and Peaches' desperation to be cool, it's just unbearable. Oh, there's Peaches' cat which my boyfriend thinks is an aardvark. He's not that into nature.
Fearne: 'what do you think of all the haters out there?' She's no David Dimbleby, but in her defence, Nick Griffin is an easier interview than Peaches.
So is that magazine Peaches 'writes' still going? She mentions 'the British public'. Now SHE'S wearing a stupid bowler hat. Peaches says 'ant-eye' instead of 'anti'. That's New York living for you.
Peaches you can fiddle with your hair as much as you want, it will still look like that. Her and her friends were so cool they refused to have any fun. Fearne tried to make them drink some champagne but instead they sat round looking frumpy and describing things as 'intense'. I can't judge Peaches for finding Fearne 'lame', she is lame. But at least she's not pretending to be anything else. Peaches sits twiddling her hair talking about wormholes, and sounds every inch the student who thinks they're the first person to ever listen to The Orb and chat about aliens. But she doesn't want to talk about her 'spirituality and religion'. Forget the wormholes, she's an idiothole.
She's constantly carping on about being 'exhausted' which I reckon is because she's been out off her head all night. But Fearne was being such a dickhead as well, like your mum trying to force you to eat some toast when you're hungover, then gurning to the camera when Peaches (metaphorically) tells her to go fuck herself.
Next Fearne follows Peaches doing some 'modelling'. Peaches is tired and sulking. She makes Kelly Osbourne circa 2001 look like Taylor Swift. Peaches describes herself as 'nuts' and 'weird'.
She then admits to being a a Scientologist. Peaches, we already thought you were a moron, don't wrap it up in a bow for us. If you really believe it's not something to be ashamed of, back up your beliefs! Then she admitted she basically lucky dipped it.
Amount of times Peaches said 'like' in this documentary: 383228198.
54 minutes in and Peaches smiled for the first time. At the end Fearne concluded that maybe it was 'brave' of Peaches to be rude and difficult and to fall asleep when people are trying to interview her.
What I learnt from this show? Peaches is more boring than Peter fucking Andre, like so chronically dull it could be a medical condition. And Fearne is insufferable. And I knew these things already. Bugger.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Katie: My Beautiful Face

This is the horrific story of the model who got acid chucked in her face, by a 'friend' of her boyfriend because she dumped him. Blinded in one eye, and scarred for life, she can't even eat because her throat is burnt. She has to get fed through a tube.
To all the people who believe in 'fate' and 'karma': tell me what does someone do to deserve this?
GOD, those first operation pictures were so fucking horrific. I can't believe she looks as good as she does considering those pictures. They rebuilt her face entirely. When she described looking in the mirror for the first time, it was just completely harrowing. Just unimaginable how that must have felt, especially to someone who made her living through her looks.
Watching her parents have to massage her scars four times a day looked hard. Having to move back in with your mum must be hard. Not being able to go out on your own. Hard. Losing your looks AND your independence seems too much to bear.
So she met Danny on Facebook. He raped her after two weeks. Three days later he sent the guy to throw the acid at her. How much must he have paid him? Fucking cunt couldn't even do it himself. The CCTV of that was just terrifying; that's real life horror right there. That's You've Been Framed directed by George A Romero.
29 operations. God. She is one strong woman. 'Brave' is a weird word, because what choice does she have? It's just do or die, isn't it.
I didn't like it when she said she belonged to him now because of what he'd done. Don't admit it, don't let him think he's won. The thought of him watching this show and feeling smug is just unbearable.
That boyfriend cunt got a minimum of 16 years. The other guy got 12 (no minimum mentioned, but the papers say he'll only serve 6). Not long enough. But thank god it wasn't any less.
It was hard to see her suffer and feel so ostracised from society, but a lot of it is in her head (understandably). I think she could easily find love again. I think she needs to get out of her mum and dad's house as soon as she is strong enough.
She was absolutely stunning before, but she's still attractive, and she's got a gorgeous smile, and massive strength. I thought she looked really good at the party; I'd kill to have that figure and hair! I liked her dress as well.
The only way 'justice' can be done in this situation is to stick her ex and his stooge in a vat of acid. I'd enjoy watching. Just lower them in by robot, and then there's no morality issue. Then put it on TV, just to complete the circle.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

TV: Dating in the Dark

I started blogging a serious documentary, but it was so damn boring, so I'll blog Dating in the Dark instead. Dating in the Dark is a high-quality TV show on Living (!) and each week three boys and three girls (the boys room has a football table! The girls room is pink!) go on dates with each other in 'the specially made' darkroom (I have one of those too, it's called switching off the light and/ or bedtime). There's only SO much you can do in the dark, so it usually descends into them having a cheeky fumble, which is quite amusing when they see exactly whom they've been a-fumbling with!
So they go on a couple of dates before deciding (or rather, the producers deciding) who's their 'best match' and then they... well, go on another date, before they get to see.
The best bit is the 'reveal' when they shine a light on the person they've basically fallen in love with and are imagining is some 6 foot Robert Pattinson clone but better, and reveal them to be a boss-eyed, jug-eared 'bubbly' dwarf. The smart bit is that they keep the OTHER person in darkness whilst the light is on them, so they can't see the other person's crushing disappointment. Then both must decide if they want to meet again for a date in the light, or if they want to escape sharpish via the back entrance. It particularly amusing when the person buggers off, as they have to walk right by the person they've stood up. Harsh.
This programme could be improved massively by not having new contestants each week, but by keeping the same ones for six weeks. Make them REALLY fall for each other, then there's some interesting drama there. At the moment we learn nothing except for what we already know; people are shallow cunts. Put them in there for the long haul, and let's see what they're really made of.
Besides, Dating in the Dark already exists. It's called internet dating. Come on, you don't really think he looks like that, do you?

Sunday, 25 October 2009

The X Factor: Eating a sandwich whilst swimming

It's sunday, so time for me to sit in bed in my nightie catching up on last night's caterwauling- hurrah!
Oh, it's Big Band night. Urgh. Is there anyone on the planet who thinks 'great- big band week!'. I don't have much to say about Olly or Lloyd, except the song was too low for Lloyd. Even if it was Brian Molko doing big band week I'd hate it. It's just against sanity.
Christ that rap by Miss Frank was AWFUL. I liked the red lipstick though. The judges always say the exact opposite of what I think.
Bring back Rachel's quiff! I can't believe Rachel is 18. She looks 30! Did someone put something in her drink, she was so loopy afterwards. I think I preferred her sulky with the quiff.
Is INXS big band? Er, no. Oh, it's U2. Same thing.
Dermot has said 'in your comfort zone' about 30 times so far tonight. It reminds me of the second time that I followed you home...
Stacey did sound out of tune, but who cares? You can't kick her out, it's like drowning a kitten.
I thought Danyl was pretty good- the best so far.
Please get rid of 'little' Joe. I'd rather watch mould grow on my windowsill. I like Lucie though.
John and Edward: still can't sing. Nice balloons. I don't think Ricky Martin is big band, either. I must admit, I did contemplate the John and Edward threesome for the first time tonight, but couldn't take it seriously.
Quite lacklustre tonight. We need a pop or rock week, or one where they choose their own songs.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Age 8 and wanting a sex change

Shouldn't that be 'aged'? That's a clunky title. How about 'My sex change: aged 8'. It's not entirely true, but it's snappier. Anyway...
Background: I think my feelings about transgendered people, and particularly their treatment by the media, (and then society), has definitely got a lot more defined in the past couple of years. It's all about the pro-nouns, isn't it (said in Gok style). It is so sick when the Daily Mail (oh yes, our old friend) insists on calling someone who's had a sex change by their old gender; if someone feels strongly enough to have their sexual organs operated on, and removed, then I'd say they deserve to be called a woman (or man, if it's the other way round), personally. Plus, the kind of agony it must take to come to that sort of decision; I mean, have a heart. Yet still, I barely notice jokes about 'trannies' sometimes, I'm sure I make jokes about them on occasion (yes even me!) They are an easily forgotten minority. Even some feminists seem unsure of where trans people fit in.
This documentary seems quite shocking on the surface; but what choice do the parents have? Let the child 'be themselves' whatever that might be, or suppress them? Isn't it better to let them find their own identity? That seems great in theory but in practice seems like a very difficult and confusing issue (and I'm just watching it!)
Josie is an 8 year old girl who used to be called Joseph and was born a boy. It does feel weird to call her Josie, initially, because can a child make that decision? I mean, they are American, and this is the country that brought you beauty pageants, Balloon Boy and My Monkey Baby. Who's to say a mother who really wanted a girl wouldn't put bows in her boy's hair for long enough until something stuck. But that's not the main reality.
It's interesting the way her mum said Josie ALWAYS wanted to be a girl; that it was just something so inherent inside. Not even that she wanted to be a girl, but that she WAS a girl. Even so, it does seem strangely psychotic to be discussing sex-change surgery with an 8 year old.
The mum said that Josie behaved badly as a boy because she wanted to be a girl so much. She finally found her in the bathroom considering castrating herself with a pair of nail clippers. The doctor diagnosed her with gender dysphoria (sounds like a Placebo song).
After that, the parents didn't seem so rash, they seemed very kind to have let her be herself at that age, rather than trying to fit her in another box. I guess a child who has had that freedom from 8 will be much better equip to deal with her teenage years, in many ways.
Kyla is another 8 year old boy with gender dysphoria (see, she wears pink!) Kyla seemed a little more like a boy in drag to me than Josie (and the voice-over was calling her him!!!) but I trust the parents have the child's best interests at heart. It's hard though; do you really know at 8? It's a scary decision to make, as they have to decide whether to give them hormones to basically change the path of puberty. That's a big one to get right. And I don't think it's patronising to question that; there's a reason why you can't get plastic surgery until you're 18, because your body changes, and your mind changes. But then there's this thing of just 'knowing inherently' and trusting someone to know themselves; I mean, I knew when I was 8 I never wanted to have kids. That hasn't changed. Argh, it's so difficult (see, this is why I don't want kids!).
It was weird to hear Josie at 8 coveting puberty and 'boobs'. That was funny when she said she was 'grumpy' that she had a penis. It seemed poignantly childlike.
Hold on, they just said 'it's been found that most people with gender dysphoria grow out of it.'!!! If that is the case (although they quoted no statistics) then surely letting the kids take the hormones before they hit puberty is pretty dangerous. I thought the doctors point about what if they change their mind about the hormones when the parents are quite fixed on it after so long was a good one. Christ, what a minefield!
Kyla then got highlights. I'm not sure an 8 year old should have highlights whatever the gender. I didn't dye my hair til I was about 13.
Ah, they finally have one the other way round! 12 year old Bailey was a girl who is now living as a boy. It seems more 'normal' that way round, I guess because it's more acceptable for girl's to act masculine. That was jarring when she said 'I don't even have girl thoughts; I think about sports and football'. This strikes me as a little worrying; because it's just this myth of defined gender roles, and they are hard to deconstruct at 18 or 27, let alone 12. Like, does it have to be one or other, or can it just be more fluid than that?
16 year old Chris was born female and now lives as a boy. He did take the drugs to stop him going through puberty as a girl, and now takes testosterone to make him a man. He really looked male too, except with a bit of a girly voice (but then I know many other men like that!).
It was interesting that his aunt said his dad always said he wanted a boy, but god, there's trying to please, and trying to please! Surely that can't have influenced it, it has to be genetic.
It was interesting when they were discussing should 12 year old Bailey tell his 'girlfriends' the truth? What if he does and it destroys his life, as they moved to an area where it wasn't known he was born female? It's a dilemma.
For Chris, aged 16, this was even more pertinent, but his girlfriend knew the truth. I liked his mum saying 'at least we can guarantee he won't get anyone pregnant'. Such a mum comment!
Bailey then had to chose between the testosterone injections and growing any taller, as they stop you growing. What a choice for a 12 year old. It just seems like too much. Testosterone also makes you infertile, so it's like a 12 year old choosing to be sterilised just for good measure. What a lot to take on, that's just mind-boggling.
In a weird twist of fate, Chris had a trangender mentor (FTM) who then fell in love with his mum! It's not the kind of family that Jan Moir would approve of, but it worked for them! I liked Chris, he was really sweet.
It makes you realise that these rigid little pigeon-holes we set up for children really are no good; pink for a girl, blue for a boy. They said Josie still likes cars and dinosaurs, so what? Maybe the little pink ironing board and kitchen set wasn't very much fun, did they think of that? I just feel lucky I never had to question my sexuality or my gender. I had it easy.
And as Brian Molko says, 'Don't forget to be who you are.' He also said 'For the first half of our gigs, there's normally some guy convinced I'm a girl, and a pretty cute one at that. As the gig continues, it begins to dawn on him that I'm a bloke, and suddenly he has to ask himself some serious questions.' and I think that's a good note to end on!

Sunday, 18 October 2009

The X Factor: Slow motion suicide

I'm enjoying my Saturday nights now, and catching up with X Factor on Sunday afternoon, with no fear of finding out the result. Nice one, Simon.
Christ, where did they dig Whitney Houston up from? Annoying back in the day, and even more annoying now we're expected to forget about the ten year crack-fest. Grr!
And with Louis at Stephen Gately's funeral, the show is looking shakier than ever. Will he have just one single group to come back to? It makes you realise that it's all a load of old rubbish, really. RIP Stephen, and C-U-N-T Jan Moir (yeah, I think everything has been said on that subject already).
Diva week seems a bit unfair on some of the blokes, doesn't it?
Why is Whitney hanging out with Frank Butcher? Why is Simon Cowell bigging up Frank Butcher? 'The most legendary person in music ever...' Frank Butcher? WTF? This a farce! He's not even the best car-lot owner.
I thought Lucie looked good, and she did well to sing such a lightweight song when she probably wanted to do a belter. Thought Cheryl was a bit cruel to her. Cheryl's acts are a load of balls and she's definitely on the defensive. The bigger the hair, the worse the attitude.
I like Dannii's La Foux-style hair. Dannii does seem cooler this year. Is all it takes a haircut? Cheryl, take note.
The song Olly sang was awful but there's just something inherently likeable about him. He can sing, too and he's a bit different.
Christ, they've made the pretty, scraggy-haired black one from Miss Frank very blonde! I like Miss Frank. They are kind of mismatched and came together by accident and there's something good about that, serendipitous. I like the little curvy one, too. Fuck you, Simon. Keep Miss Frank in! He was particularly harsh considering Louis isn't even there to defend them.
I like Rachel's fuschia lipstick! Rachel is super-cool. They made her up like a clown last week and I don't think it helped. Oh dear, they've gone a bit overboard on the blusher again. I agree with Simon's comments- Dannii is getting Rachel's styling/ personality a bit wrong. Nice jacket, though. Does Beyonce have any songs that aren't sexist against either men or women?
I hate Joe, and I hate 'Where do Broken Hearts Go'. Fuck off. I don't get why they all love him so much, he's fucking rubbish from start to finish. Go to your room!
I like Danyl, and I think Cheryl is just being a bi-phobic bint. And yes, I'm still pissed off about Ethan. Oh, he did sound a bit off during that, though. These songs bore the crap out of me. I'm losing the will. How can anyone watch this show live with the adverts too, I'd be self harming by this point?
If I hear Cheryl Cole say 'little popstar' one more time I might punch myself in the face in protest. Lloyd: zzzz. He reminds me of Eoghan Quigg. He sounded flat too.
Simon, control yourself! he 'fell in love with' Olly, and described Lloyd as 'cute'. Hmm.
Cheryl squeezed out some tears to save her little popstar! Sweet (vomit).
Fucking hell, John and Edward were even worse than last week! Even I can sing better than that. What a pair of tools. WTF was that bit in the middle where they did some Titanic ad lib? Fuck a duck. Keep them in! This is amazingly ridiculous.
Oh I forgot about this last guy who did Respect (I wonder why?). Get rid! Oh and Jamie Afro too. I'm flagging badly now. This song is dreadful.
I'm not sure even Stacey can perk me up right now. Oh dear, Cheryl said 'little popstar' again. *breaks own nose*
God, could Simon get his tongue out of Whitney's jacksee? And as for Frank Butcher. Send him back to Pat/ Peggy/ Janine.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

4OD: Joe Millionaire UK

I LOVED the American version of Joe Millionaire, it was the ultimate in schmaltz. This Disney prince of a guy (I think he was a farmer, it was a while back) pretended to be rich, and wined and dined all these gold-digging bints before finally revealing he was brass. Did they end up together? I doubt it, but at least she was gracious, and they airbrushed things a bit.
I have no idea when the UK Joe Millionaire screened, but I just watched the whole series of it on 4OD. And boy, was it cut price. Instead of a square-jawed, charming hunk, we get Dominic, a bouncer from Bournemouth. He was so fucking boring that even with his faux-villa in Ibiza, you would have taken your chances in San Antonio at 3am rather than put up with this dude's smooth talk. Joe Millionaire US had a butler, Dominic UK had a producer who came on and said 'put your flip flops on girls, we're going to dinner.' There wasn't even a presenter! Come on, they could have got Michael Underwood to do it, surely.
Cheap! Some of the girls were actually OK, but why they put themselves up for this sexist bullshit, god alone knows. I don't see Joanna Millionaire anywhere, do you?
*spoiler- in the unlikely event that my blog post has so moved you, you are going to watch this series, stop reading now*
So genius boy turns down the lovely Welsh Jane who you could tell actually really liked him, and ended up picking probably the only girl who WAS bothered that he didn't have any £££, a complete crab-cunt called Amanda. Watching her face when he told her he didn't have the cash almost made it worth sitting through the other seven tedious episodes. Then she saw his 'no fear' tattoo and virtually ran up that hill in a different direction. There was one more scene where the producers forced her to go visit him in his normal house where she passed snotty comments on his clothes, his friends car, and finally, his job. I hope she's found her footballer by now; because her grasping outlook on relationships surely points to a destiny of hard-faced unhappiness.
Dominic, not only are you a dullard, you're a sucker. And Amanda, you're an arsehole. Should have picked Jane. Hey ho.
If you have any suggestions of good stuff to watch, on 4OD, or torrents, do let me know, as the TV schedulers seem to have given up. I've got Curb and Medium on the go, but could do with some more lightweight stuff. Thanks Exitainmentites.

Monday, 12 October 2009

Exitainment Heroine: Vanessa Feltz

Female columnists: Bashing Vanessa Feltz for being fat and wearing garish clothes is so BORING and too EASY. Don't you think she doesn't know that she's fat? Don't you think she doesn't know that her dress is rather pink? Do you think she gives a fuck? Noooooo! (I can't excuse the shoes, but hey ho)
I have always had a weird admiration for Vanessa Feltz, I like the way she sticks two fingers up at convention, I like the way she stands up for herself, I like the fact she's got strong opinions, and she's generally smiling.
Personally, I'd rather be Vanessa Feltz looking like that and having a laugh with that Turnaround twit than be Cheryl Cole, too afraid to trust her own husband. Because you get the feeling if Turnaround dude did the dirty on Vanessa, she'd just pick herself back up again, like she did after that douchebag husband left her. Vanessa has grit!
Say what you like about her, but she's got a younger man, she always looks happy, and she's pretty successful in various fields. I personally preferred her talk show to Trisha's load of old gubbins.
Wow, I just noticed those gloves. She has got some balls! Gok, keep your distance.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

New: X Factor results show

Gately is dead, no Louis but the show must go on, because ching ching, there's cash to made. So they've made it like American Idol and made them sing a really shit song at the start to make us all cringe. 'Tonight's going to be a good night' was perhaps not that suitable an opening song in light of a tragic death, but there you go. Dermot'll give us a cud and make it all better.
I kind of hope the twins don't go out a bit, because watching them dig their own hole is quite funny.
Ah, this is the reason for the 2nd live show! More voting, more money for Cowell's coffers.
Alexandra Burke; not just as good as Leona Lewis. Nice try though, love. Her hair looks good, so that's the main thing. Hold on, is she miming? Surely not!
Haha, Dannii had to apologise for her bi-bashing last night! Don't diss the bi's Dannii, they are a much maligned minority. It cant be easy for them, all that choice.
Robbie William's 'performance' was like watching a knackered old car-horn that had grown an ego farting round a stage for five minutes. Awful. He looked a bit 'twinkly eyed' to me as well. Sniff!
Haha, that's funny they put John and Edward through first. LOL! More rubbishness to come. I reckon it might be Kandy Rain at the bottom.
Christ, look at Rachel's blusher! The make-up artist really hates her. Fuck, she better not be in the bottom two. Shit, she is.
All women in the bottom two, and a black woman at that. Good old GBP.
At least they sing a different song, I couldn't suffer through those same ones again.
Aw Rachel looks crushed. This isn't fair. I thought both performances were quite good. At least they gave Louis a vote by proxy.
OMG deadlock! Those racy clothes paid off after all. I'm glad it went to the viewers vote. I'm glad Rachel stayed too, although I thought Kandy Rain were good. That's sexism for you.
I can tell X Factor is going to go badly this year from the championing of Jamie and John. Zzzzzz. I'd rather watch Dating in the Dark.

The X Factor: 1st Live Show (without Ethan!)

Gawd, watching Saturday night's X factor on a Sunday is a tyranny; can't leave the house and get a paper in case I see the results. Oh hold on, the results are tomorrow now! Fuck this, I'm going out to get a sausage sandwich.
(disclaimer, I still think splitting it into two shows is utterly unnecessary.)
Wow that sandwich was good. I'm ready to bitch. Yes, I'm still mega smarting about Ethan and Daniel Fox. I reckon Simon would have chosen them. Cheryl needs to change her taste in men (in more than one area).
Hmm, they've put Rachel on first, not that pleased about that. She's brilliant so hope she doesn't crack under pressure! Oh fuck, Robbie Williams. WHY? He looks about 50. He makes me feel sick to my stomach. I could write 5000 words on why I hate Robbie Williams. If I could have him airbrushed from the planet, I would. Or machine-gunned even.
'Let me entertain you' doesn't have a tune, so Rachel was at a disadvantage from the start. Too much make up, too shreiky, too many 'wooos'! Too much dancing. Oh dear. Simon: 'I have mis-underestimated you.' Ahem.
Kandy Rain aka the Pussykat Trolls. Nah not really, I just wanted to do a Sun-style pun. They're good, good-looking and they can sing. A lot of leg boob on show though; why should men get to ogle when I don't get to perve over Ethan? Not fair.
Fuck off Cheryl; I've seen Girls Aloud wearing equally slutty (I'm using this word for men and women) things, and you're meant to comment on their voices, not their clothes. I hate Cheryl, she's being sexist; you can wear sexy things once you're established? This is bigger bullshit than Beyonce and her Sasha 'character'. They can wear what they fucking want, but it's not like they chose those clothes, the stylists did! Stick your demure up your old rotten fanny, Cheryl.
Next up is Deal or No Deal fella, Olly. He sang a Robbie Williams song, and sounded exactly like Robbie Williams. What's the point?
Ricky has basically stolen Ethan's spot as far as I'm concerned. Take your flat-cap and shove it up your arse. His voice sounded quite feminie singing Amy Winehouse but maybe that's just because of the song. I didn't mind it actually. *pines for Ethan*
I like Stacey, she's so dopey! She's like a comedy character. WOW, she was really fucking good! That actually moved me (I do like a bit of a cry-up to Coldplay). She can really sing. Dannii has got the strongest category by a MILE.
I like Miss Frank! I like the fact they came together by accident. They are a bit loud, but they're cool. And they're cute.
I found Jamie a bit tedious. Simon said that was the best thing he's seen so far? Shoulda gone to Specsavers.
Lloyd 'my little popstar tm.'; another dull foetus I have to look at instead of Ethan. Great, he can't sing high notes. Fuck off, then! Yuck, he's doing 'cry me, cry me!' I hate Timberlake almost as much as Williams (but not quite). I don't think this kid's voice is any cop whatsoever. To quote Courtney 'oh just shut up, you're only 16'.
Shit, I just saw on Strike Gently that Stephen Gately was dead (I was asleep for most of yesterday). Nuts. I know of someone who just went to sleep and never woke up, but who knows if there's more to it than that.
I think Lucie is very good. Dannii's category is seriously hot.
Next up is the distinctly non-psychic John and Edward. Oh they're irish! So THAT'S why. Robbie described them as 'endearing'. I think he meant 'arseholes'.
OMG Rock DJ; the worst song EVER EVER EVER written. At least there's barely any singing in it. The pair of them looked utterly embarrassed, and so they should be, the cocky little chancers. They make Same Difference look polished and likeable. Cheryl's backhanded insulting of them was good.
Little Joe whatever he's called doesn't do it for me, and that song was too low for him. I thought it was rubbish.
God this X Factor is sucking the life out of me, and I can fast-forward the adverts. It's too long, and tomorrow too? It's too much.
I like Danyl, but I hate that fucking song more than I hate Robbie Williams- FACT. Dannii outed Danyl as a bi! Hehe. Go on Danyl, squeeze out a tear.
Christ I need a stiff vodka and a lie down after all that.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Rant Blog: No TV so why not get sexually harrassed playing scrabble?

Wednesday night is clearly the death of TV; with no soaps to fill the hole, I am left floundering, twiddling my thumbs. So I turn to downloading some dreadful Placebo b-sides (I love you, Brian) and playing Facebook Scrabble.
If you're a girl; just don't play a man. Every. single. time. Where you from? How old are you? What you doing tonight? How does Scrabble and sex go together? It DOESN'T!!!
I actually vowed not to play men any more, but sometimes those pics move fast and you click in the wrong one, so I give the poor bloke a chance. Big mistake. 99% of the time if I play a woman they won't speak. If it's a man, they always do. They just have to try their luck.
Tonight's guy was holding a baby, seems harmless enough. Silly me.
Do you have a boyfriend? Yes. Then he says he has a partner and a baby. Good, I think, no sex chat here. Then; 'do you live with him/ you look about 18/ are you alone tonight?' He fired so many questions at me! Who asks for that when they play Scrabble? But I feel rude when I turn the chat off and someone is just being friendly and not creepy.
This is a man holding his child in his profile pic. Then I said 'this isn't the site for that' and that was the end of the game.
It's not actually FAIR that women have to put up with that, when just wanting to play a stupid game. There's enough sites out there for that stuff; they aint that hard to find. There's even specialist ones for cheating bastards; so go join one of them, you creepy fucker.
No more men! It shouldn't be this way. I wish men knew just how much low level harrassment women have to put up with daily. Just comments and looks and bloody patronising, sleazy bullshit, and it's not fair, because they don't have to put up with it, we don't encroach on their personal space in this insidious way.
Thanks, I needed to get this off my chest! The silly part is, on Friday when you want to have a drink and could live without the soaps, they force hours of them onto you.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

The X Factor: Final Cut

Saturday night on my own! Quick, start drinking. They keep saying 'it's crunch time' and weirdly, I just opened a giant bar of Crunch chocolate. Nice! I am a female cliche. Ooh Harry Hill's back next week. Score.
Urgh, Ronan 'you nearly got me punched in a fight' Keating. You say it best when you say noth... oh I've definitely done that joke before.
Mmm Ethan. Drool. Urgh, Will Young, the chinny, lisping closet-case-til-just-after-he-won-Pop-Idol. Yeah, I don't like him much.
Simon has Sinitta helping him, who came out covered in leaves. Quick, pop her in the oven. Dannii went slightly more A-list with her sister, who is going for the preserved in formaldehyde look. Lush.
The boyz, the boyz. I can't be fugged with Joe, he looks like a foetus. His voice is quite good, but I can't be bothered with him. The same with Lloyd. It's obviously going to be him or Joe going through, battling for the jail-bait vote. His voice isn't as good.
I like Daniel. He's all emotional and loud. Perhaps Will will give him the gay vote. Ha, Will did like him.
Mm, Ethan. Hot. I could look at him all day long. If he doesn't go through I'll doubt Cheryl's heterosexuality. I like his voice a lot, too! He's the FULL PACKAGE (tm). Them going 'oh he's too good looking' that's not a PROBLEM, dope-bags.
Ooh Duane's voice was quite good as well. Shit. This is quite hard to call. I don't mind Ricky, but I can't be arsed with his cheeky chappie/ hat schtick. So my picks are Daniel, Ethan and Duane.
The groups. Project A. One of them looks like Suffia off BB. I think they're alright, like a hen-night out down Wetherspoons.
Kandy Rain used to be strippers. Well, the name was a giveaway. But at the same time, who cares- what century is it?! Sexist tabloid scum. The little blonde one is cute. I'm going for Project A over them, though, for the 'likeability factor' *shoots self*.
I don't remember ever seeing the appallingly named De-Tour ever before so I guess they aren't going through as they're about as charismatic as Ronan. Oh, scratch that then.
Clamouring for the worst band name is Harmony Hood, a ragtag brood but I kind of like them a bit, like mismatched socks.
Miss Frank are kind of cool, like the Fugababes, you suspect they are just being forced to pretend they like each other. They are good, I liked their performance! They're quirky.
Urgh, the Fylight twins. Get rid. They are shit! Louis, just take them to bed if you fancy them that much, but don't inflict them on us, for fuck's sake. He's DEFINITELY going to put them through.
My pick for the groups are Miss Frank, Project A and Kandy Rain. Which aint gonna happen.
The over 25s... Olly! Deal or No Deal! You gotta love him just for that. He's a bit dull, though.
I like Treyc (yes that is how you spell it). But she's a bit lacklustre, too.
Daniel 'One True Voice' has a mohican now, so we must take him seriously. He has a 'look'. Zzzzz. What, he's got backing singers?! Cheat. He bores me to tears.
Nicole (dead dad 2) I can't stand. She sang that song I hate and I can't get over it. She's too shrieky. I'm not very impressed with this over 25 category.
Oh I do like Danyl. So that's something. Oh and Jamie. I hope they don't only put one of them through. So my picks out of this lot are them and Olly. But Nicole's definitely going through.
And lastly, the girls. The girls are GOOD. Stacey, the people's chav. I like her a lot, actually. She's sweet. Good voice.
Does Kylie have it in her contract that they can't film her up close?
The next Stacey is OK but lacks charisma I think. And her voice is a little shrill. Plus, two Stacey's? I don't think so.
I love, love, love Rachel. I think she's great. She seems like she really NEEDS it, and she's cool, too. I hope she goes through.
I don't remember ever seeing Despina before, so I guess she's not going through. She was a bit shrieky for my liking.
Lucie is excellent. She's super-talented. Nicole is boring. Even her messing it up was boring.
It has to be Stacey the mum, Rachel and Lucie.
Oh it's over. I hate this 'over two nights' thing. It's too much. I can't blog it tomorrow either. BOO!
Over and out.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Soap speciale!

Good soaps tonight, and I cried, but the end of the month has me feeling fragile so it was inevitable. I'm vulnerable to the soapemotions! Hey, what was all that Rosie in her undies but only on the website thing about? That was stupid! I can't be bothered with that interactive bullshit.
I thought Fizz (it's Fiz but that doesn't look right) looked great tonight. She's just lovely in every way. If that John Snape/ Stape does her over, he'll have me to deal with. And, er... Chesney. And when Sean wished her luck and said 'you're my kind of crazy, Fizzbomb' that was what did me in. Just good writing and characterisation and human truth. All in one.
God knows why she wants to get married in prison, though. It's not like he's a lifer. I thought registry offices were grim enough.
Rosie's just a little CUNT! Rargh! Why is Luke Strong putting up with it? No wonder he buggered off to Strictly Come Dancing. Vince from Queer as Folk wouldn't put up with this shit. Michelle deserves all she gets! Her taste in men is dreadful. I'd rather go for Tony.
It's a bit unfair they ganged up on Rosie; he WAS going to sleep with her after all. You also can't fire someone for that reason. Tribunal!
Five hundred quid to split up Amber and Kebab Kid! Five hundred! That's pretty cheap. Wish they'd give Dev a decent storyline. He's amaaaaaazing.
I liked the ginger Windass tricking Chesney into admitting he loved Fizz. I kinda like that ginger chav. I've always had a soft spot for a weasley ginge, don't tell anyone.
I hope Norris does NOT employ that woman. End.
Eastenders was also good, in it's own Eastender-y way (i.e. not just as good, but five minutes of good). I hope Jane takes the satanic-looking Bobby and goes have her baby with someone else. Sod Ian!
I HATE all the Mitchells crap; fuck off Sam, fuck off Ronnie and your ugly boyfriend, and fuck off Dr. creepy Jenkins. He has all the good writing, characterisation and human truth of a cereal box that someone has written the work 'HUNK' on. RUBBISH.
OMG that bit with Syed and Christian was both sexy and creepy at the end (good combination). How GOOD did Syed look tonight, all stubbly and long haired? He's my Bollywood prince (is that racist?) And see the way those chocolates got flung to the floor as they snogged down an alley... oh yes. Fabulous. WHO saw them??? I don't want to know. I like the mystery.
Hey, I think I've just changed my mind about the interactive website bollocks, IF the interactive website bollocks can include a steamy X-rated scene with Christian and Syed. Down the alley, or otherwise, I'm open to suggestions, as long as Syed is unclothed.
Dear or dear, do you come here for this kind of smut?! Disgraceful! Think of the children.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

The X Factor: Boot camp 2

So like everyone else I haven't really been enjoying the X Factor this year, but after them sucking the life out of the audition process, I actually enjoyed last night's boot camp, mainly because there were at least three good singers; Ethan (hot), the bloke who was a contestant on Deal or no Deal and that little mousy girl. So let's watch tonight as they don't get through. Oh my god, I didn't like those twins and their stupid dancing, cocky little cuntrags. I ALSO didn't like that girl doing that dire 'I'm telling you' song. When does shrieking count as singing? If I ever hear that song again, I'm gonna do a Michael Douglas. You have been warned.
I must say Dannii is looking quite sharp this year, I'm liking her hair. Cheryl's hair, on the other hand, ages her massively, and her crumpled forehead oh-its-another-person-I-beat-on-pop-rivals-once expression is getting rather boring. Can't we have a female judge with an opinion, instead of one who likes handbags? Get that bullying Sugababe on instead, at least she'll tell it to people straight.
Oh god, first contestant up tonight was a sub-par Chico (unbelievable that could be, I know.) I like the black girl with the afro.
Kandy Rain sounds like a porn star. And collectively, look a bit like one.
I felt sorry for the one in the pork pie hat who lost his voice, I kind of liked him. It's not his fault that he's ill. I reckon they might put him through, anyway.
Olly is the Deal or No Deal one (he's obviously a fame whore!) Yep, I still back him. He's a cheeky chappie.
I like the big afro dude, I don't think he's trying to hard. Simon can talk about being 'corny'; if any English person except him would ever use such a word.
I thought the chavvy girl was out of tune. But Simon fancies her, so she'll make it.
Oh dear; the bisexual guy did a jazzy Simply Red number. Big mistake!
Yes sob story, your brother is pulling strings, by getting you this far. Hopefully that's it though. Ah, it was.
Yay Deal or No Deal and big afro guy got through, and that weird blonde guy (Daniel). I'm glad that black girl with the short stripy blonde bit in her hair got through, she was really good. Fuck those little twins though. EVIL!
'For you it's the end... of the bad news.' Cruel! The misspelt Danyl AND Ethan got through! Yay. You can tell they cut it this year so most of the people you got to know got through. The ones going home I hardly recognised.
Oh dear, the group category looks AWFUL. Good luck, Louis. Are you telling me Simon doesn't have a hand in deciding the categories? Please! Personally I think the best category is the girls. Dannii FTW.
PS: Two shows it too many, what with Xtra Factor, too. I feel X Factored out.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Album: Muse- The Resistance

Can I go this whole blog without mentioning sci-fi, space or prog? YES! Starting... from... now!
I used to LOVE Muse. I went to see them on my 21st birthday when their first album was out (that dates me!) And I have enough Muse b-sides to cause havoc whilst moving house. It's weird how your CD collection ages you so completely. The only new CDs I have are Bright Eyes and Moz (so youthful!)
So, Muse. Showbiz is a great album and Newborn and Plug in Baby are classics. I even like Thoughts of a Dying Atheist. I went off them around the time they released that one that sounded like Prince. The album Supermassive Black Hole was supermassively self indulgent and Knights of Cydonia can fuck off. Now I do find them quite tedious. I admire their live shows, and I admire the fact they've created a big old niche for themselves, especially in the face of the abuse they used to get from that old relic the NME (but then the NME hates all the greats- Brian, Mozzy, Patrick Wolf, Kele). Even talking about the NME is dating me.
Anyway, I couldn't listen to a whole album these days. Well, I'm going to now, but I'm going to damn well moan about it, I expect.
The first song Uprising is the usual geek-rock schtick, radio-friendly and catchy but quite disposable. Ooh I quite like Resistance, it's a bit Time is Running Out-ey. I could see them releasing this one. Poppy love song with cheesy backing vocals.
I saw Undisclosed Desires (bad title) on Jules Holland and didn't like it much but his voice sounds better on the record (record! LOL) Did he say something about booty? I like the drum machine. This is pretty good. I must say, I've been pleasantly surprised so far.
UH-OH. They've dug up Freddie Mercury for United States of Eurasia (what a name). Am I allowed to say 'pomp'? Oh christ, this is everything I hate about Muse, this is music for virgins. Come on Matt, give us a break, you must be off the magic mushy's by now. The end of this song is worse than the beginning, it's like a pretentious piano-ey bit. ARGH. Next!
Guiding Light. Isn't that an Ash song? Ah, Ash. They did have just the one good song, wasn't it.
This sounds like the national anthem in the future (mentions of the future- check!) when Matt Bellamy rules the world. That guitar is straight from Justin Hawkins. Bit rubbish.
Am I only halfway through? See, this is the problem with Muse these days! Still, it's more interesting than the Monsters of Folk review... right?
Unnatural Selection is employing the vocoder/ cardboard box vocal technique. Oh god, it's gone national anthemy again. I can see fists being punched in the air. By virgins. This one went on for so long I forgot I was listening to it and started daydreaming. And I still skipped two minutes at the end.
MK Ultra makes me think of Mark One. Have you been in Mark One lately? There's one on Holloway road, honestly, the clothes make New Look look like Vivienne Westwood. I don't think they'd survive the journey home, let alone a wash. Not that you'd buy them. Lord, no.
The lyrics said something along the lines of 'how much more can you take?' and the answer is not much more. At the moment my tip is just download the first three tracks, and be on your way.
I Belong To You has something in French after the title, always a worry (except Protege Moi by Placebo which is fucking mega). This has got a kind of squidgy computer game feel to it. I've lost the will to live now, though. Uh-oh, here comes the French bit. Oh God, it's REALLY bad. Is it OK to vomit?
Oh Christ, the final three tracks are called (brace yourself) Exogenesis Symphony Parts 1, 2 & 3. Pretentious? How dare you. I did listen to them, so you don't have to. God, and I used to think Citizen Erased was a bit over the top.
Right, I'm off to reconsider Monsters of Folk (not really, the only album you or I need this year is BATTLE FOR THE SUN, by king of the bi's, Brian Molko. You know it makes sense).
NB: Heat gave Peter Andre's lyrical masterpiece Revelation one star more than it gave this album by Muse. So buy carefully, people. You don't want to be sat down ready to be emotionally moved by the song about how Peter can't give Harvey a cud no more and find yourself in the Time Warp.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Album: Monsters of Folk

It's with a heavy heart I sit down to listen to this. I don't care if they're a 'supergroup', I only want to hear Conor sing. Plus, supergroups are ALWAYS rubbish. And I hate M. Ward. And Mike Mogis. Still, I'm clinging on for a crumb.
The first song sounds like a boring Death Cab song. It's sort of electronicy but not quite. I didn't like the mixture of voices. Conor pops up in the second verse.
The second song Say Please is just some country twaddle. As is the third song.
Temazcal starts promisingly (ie. Conor's singing alone). Then it goes a bit like a hymn. Then plods along a bit.
I had to skip The Right Place after about 10 seconds; too country. Baby Boomer; also rubbish. It reminds me of the ones where he lets the others sing on his 'solo' album.
Don't know how Man Named Truth snuck on here; that song has been doing the live rounds for a while now. Ooh just Conor singing; hurrah! And his voice sounds a bit shaky and trembly. Good.
Enjoy this one, cos it's as good as it gets. But it still only sounds as good as his solo stuff, it's not a patch on Bright Eyes.
I can't STAND that country guitar noise on Goodway, it makes me want to throw up.
Ooh hold on, Ahead of the Curve is quite nice. It's minor-country but Conors voice sounds good on it, and he does all of the singing.
Slow Down Joe sounds like a Christmas song. Losing Yo Head is quite catchy but not Conor-heavy.
Magic Marker is dreary. Map of the World is Conor-led vocally, and reminds me of a cut-price Lenders in the Temple.
Sandman, the Brakeman and Me- noooo. The last song is rubbish too. Glad I didn't buy this!
It's not just Conor's tunes that have gone down the toilet; it's his lyrics too. And I'm sad about the death of Bright Eyes, and I'm sad about Bright Eyes on the blinking Halifax advert. It's like watching an ex-boyfriend deny your existence.
In the News of the World yesterday Ian Hyland said Holly Willoughby should be off to LA, not sitting on the sofa ten years too soon with Pippy Schofield. Well, that's how I feel about Conor. He has the youth on his side to be Prince or David Bowie. It seems he just wants to be Kenny fucking Rogers.