The X Factor: The Final(s)

This blog is seriously tardy but I was away for the weekend (seeing Placebo! Blog to follow) and am just watching the X Factor now. Through serious willpower and switching off my phone I have avoided the result entirely! Go me. Although I almost got caught out first thing with a glimpse of The Wright Stuff but switched it off just in time!
I did catch Saturday's show late on Saturday night and was unsurprised to see Stacey well and truly jibbed. On first, and given Michael Buble, who's name I can barely spell, whilst Olly was given Robbie Williams, and 'my little popstar' got George Michael. Stacey was the fall girl, and she knew it, I think. The less said about Olly's version of Superstition the better. Plus his sixhead looks like it's going into battle with Ant McPartlin's.
So now I don't really care who wins as I don't like either. Olly wants to win so bad, the desperation is rolling off him. Send him back to the call centre. Little Joe shows little emotion either way, he's just beyond boring.
It pisses me off when they sing a song they've sung before in the final, it's so cheap. You're supposed to be in training to be a popstar! Simon said 'Olly's giving not 112% but 150%'. Well I always minus points for anything over 100, so in actual fact he's only giving 50%. It's just not good enough.
Twist and Shout is such a dreadful song. I just don't get it. Louis described Olly as 'bubbly'. So that's why his shirts are so tight.
What are these awful songs they are singing? I feel like I'm at a really shit musical. Last night wasn't much better either.
Aw Alexandra and JLS! Last year was better. Leona is good, too. We've had the dregs this year.
So who have they made the song suit so that person is bound to win? Let's find out.
Mountains! I can move, move, move any mountain! Strings. Choir. Fireworks! Are you crying yet? Olly is; so vote. (Oh, it was a day ago)
Ok I want Olly to win now. He did sing the end of that song well. Plus I'm sick of the Joe support.
Christ they are dragging this fucker out and I've fast forwarded half of it.
George Michael! Didn't say much to Dermy. Paul McCartney! I'd rather watch Heather Mills on Dancing on Ice. Unless he's going to do the Frog Chorus with Jedward I don't wanna know.
Oh Dermot get out from Macca's bum-hole. It's cringeworthy. He's just a sad old man in a wig.
I want to see the rampant home crowds after their pick has lost. Now that would be funny. Watch them cry!
I liked Joe's reaction when he won, he looked like he was going to pass out. Olly was a gracious loser, too.
Even so. If Jedward aren't richer/ more successful than Joe in 3 years time I'd be surprised. Bring on Celeb Big Brother!

The X Factor: Semi Final

Disclaimer: I'm a bit hungover so I think this is going to be a bit of a mean blog. Sorry contestants.
They are gonna give it 150%! Just watch them. Oh are we still bigging up Michael Jackson? Zzzz. Is he mentoring from beyong the grave via Derek Acorah? Him and his songs and his 'legacy' and his family can just go bury themselves, as far as I'm concerned. The ongoing hysteria is unedifying, let him rest, and let me not have to hear about him, please.
Hearing them going on about their 'dream' and not wanting to go back to the day job is just getting boring now. Olly looked and sounded awful; his sixhead looked enormous tonight. Going 'woo!' in a song is unforgivable, I don't care if it's MJ week.
I had to fast forwards Joe for reasons of taste and decency. It's just boring as fuck. But do you know what? I have faith that the British public will support an underdog over this bland little robot.
I thought Stacey seemed nervous. Her 'dancing' wasn't good and it affected her voice. Great; are we going to have an all (dull) boy final? Oh dear; Dannii pulled out the 'infected teeth' defence. This doesn't bode well.
I thought Danyl was the best of the lot vocally. *awaits barbed comment from Cheryl* Omg, she stood up. Perhaps she had a wedgie.
2nd song. Olly's song was awful; you can tell Simon chose it. His dancing is beyond rubbish. I think he could be vulnerable this week. I'd rather see him go than Stacey.
I know the song Joe sung that Simon said no one knew. Wish I didn't though.
The second song Stacey sang was dire, whatever they said. Again Danyl was the best, but the fireworks and everything smacked of desperation a bit. God I feel so grumpy about X Factor today. I apologise. Bring back Lloyd. (Not really)

The X Factor: The Zzz factor

Sorry I've been neglectful of my blog this week; there just doesn't seem to be that much good on telly. I'm a Celebrity is virtually unwatchable. They killed Owen in Enders. And now Jedward is out of the X Factor, can it be any good? I don't love any of the contestants in it. I like Stacey, and that's about it.
Theme: Take That and Elton John. When will it be Placebo week? (Never). I hope someone does a Million Love Songs, that's my fave. But just don't let it be Lloyd. Danyl on first! Is it his turn to go?
God I HATE Cheryl Cole. Why is she so sour? I know she married an idiot, but don't take it out on us, you hard-faced cow.
It was nice to see Danyl dancing around. I thought he did well, and I thought he looked kinda sexy. Don't stick the knife in, Dannii. Cheryl said he was 'camp.' Would she say that to Joe, or Lloyd?
Haha, Cheryl pulled 'little popstar' out to describe Lloyd again! How much does she get paid for just repeating the same old trot? It's useless. Oh christ, it IS Lloyd doing Million Love Songs. Boo.
What is Olly wearing? He looks like a pudgy baby in a jumpsuit. Sang OK though, except for the hideous cheesiness of it all.
Urgh, Joe. Can we ever get rid of him? I'm pining for Jedward.
I thought Stacey was really good, and I hate that Take That song. That girl can sing.
Now for the Elton John tyranny. This show is too long. Lloyd; awful. Danyl sung in the wrong key. Still; I'm glad he got good comments.
Olly; are those bikini-clad women strictly necessary? Joe was Joe. Please don't let him win. Stacey didn't do as well on the second song.
I'm finding it hard to care this week. Will blog something good in the week instead.

The X Factor: Jedward; I know it's over.

So George Michael couldn't be bothered to get out of his car and come to the studio; probably too busy having a bifta at home. I like some George Michael songs, namely Freedom (by Wham) and Praying for Time, neither of which were sung by our contestants last night.
Jedward looked sharp, Danyl sounded a bit off, Stacey did a song I'd never heard George sing in my life, Olly did the worst George Michael song of all time (Fast Love) and when Joe 'my little popstar' did the best performance of the night, it is deeply upsetting. I forgot to mention Lloyd? As he was on first, let's hope the voters did, too. That's clearly what the producers are hoping.
My mum told me Cheryl is having an affair with Joe! Joe! What magazine has she been reading? Disturbing News Monthly? World's Biggest Lies?
So they've dug up the Boyle. Yeah I get it, ugly person can sing. Next! (mind you, I always feel a bit nervous when they get her to speak, which is quite diverting)
Ah, now it's Maria cuntbag Carey. GIVE HER THE KITTENS! Give her the doves. Then punch her smug fucking face. Is she miming?! What is that effect on her voice? It sounds like it's been through the fairylight mixer. My god, she sounded like a struggling dolphin at the end. Fetch me some tuna!
FUCK! Is it the end of 'young kids love them' Jedward (again!) How can this be? SOB! Get rid of Olly!
Damn the people booing Jedward as they stand in one place singing that shitty Boyzone song out of tune. Jedward are lush. Aw it was like kids singing at your door at Christmas! *pets them*
Why is Olly singing in a faux american accent? Get lost, Olly. This song sucks.
Dannii 'is it a singing competition?' No, it's a entertainment programme! Shame no one was listening to her.
In the words of Emmy the Great (almost): Farewell to (J)ed, for (J)ed is dead. BOO. Fuck you, world. PS: Olly, your popularity is on the wane, big time. You broke our favourite toy. :-(