Friday, 25 March 2011

American Feeble (Blowtown week)

I was already mad about watching this, now Seacrest announces it's Mowtown week? Fuck a duck. This is getting as arduous as Eastenders. This show has gone down the dumper, big time. That USA X Factor better be BLOODY GOOD.
Woah! Jlo's blue eyeshadow up to her eyebrows and a sugar pink glittery dress. Did her toddlers dress her tonight?
Casey. Last week he murdered Nirvana. This week: hopefully Steven Tyler. When are they going to shave his revolting ginger beard off? It's getting as hard to shift as Matt Cardle's hat. I can't STAND Heard it Through the Grapevine (obviously) but I thought he did a decent version. He's probably in my top three (which doesn't say much for this rabble).
Thea. Next. Steven Tyler might as well sit there and go 'oooooooooowwwwww!' because his comments are total dogshit.
Jacob. I HATE his style of oversinging. I think he is AWFUL. He would be crucified on our XFactor. It bugs me when they say he's so good, and there's just something so SMUG about him. UGH. Adam Lambert seems like he came from the future when I watch how regressive this dude is. In fact, how regressive this whole show has gone.
Talking of smug, up next is Lauren, who is the dictionary definition of precocious. She gets right on my wick as she obviously thinks she's the shit as well. Well, you aint. You're just shit. Stop wiggling your head around like the Churchill dog. JLo just said she looked great, and the little upstart didn't even say 'ta'.
I like Stefano, but he's just so AVERAGE. I expect him to go out every single week. Oh Lord, he's MURDERING 'Hello'. Really duff.
Wow, I just noticed JLo's blusher. Less is more, Jlo, less is more. NB. The other day I woke up with the song 'Jenny from the Block' stuck in my head, and it didn't go for at least half an hour. DON'T LIKE.
Gordon Ramsay is in he audience! Sexist, cheating cunt. Let's all applaud him.
Hayley. Who is she? I don't feel like I've even seen her before. What have they dressed her as? She looks like she's in a Robert Palmer video.
Randy just said 'yo' at the end of a sentence! *pine for Jessie*
I think Ryan Seacrest must miss the sexually-charged banter with Simon. Maybe he should start picking on/fucking Steve Tyler.
Scotty! OMG I hate him! ONE TRICK PONY. And it's a pony we'd put down in this country. His face makes me want to throw up, he looks like one of Harry Hill's creepy puppets.
Pia. Well at least she looks good, and this song is listenable. Hmm, maybe it isn't.
Ah, here he is, my lovely little beardy thing. Paul with the movie-star teeth. He always looks like he's a bit stoned. AND he's doing a good song! Ah, he really is a breath of fresh air on this show. He's 4REALZ! No doubt he'll be leaving any week soon.
And he said 'what's going on, yo?' Jessie times! I actually just turned UP my TV. That's unheard of whilst watching this. He's doing Tracks of My Tears. He makes me smile! He's got backing singers doing the high notes. I love it. He's wonderfully shambolic. He's got charisma. I think I'm falling for him a bit, even though he's not sexy.
Oh God, Naima died on her feet last week. I really want her to do well because she's quirky, but she's not very good. SORRY! (as Simon Cowell would say). Wow, those trousers are something else though. I like her bangles. Her dancing was mental. LOL they did a Harry Hill ending 'DANCINGINTHESTREETS!' That's the second time I've mentioned Harry Hill in one blog. HARRYHILL!
James. I feel like I should like him but I don't. I find him quite boring. His voice grates on me a bit, too.
So that's it. And I watched 2 hours of that in about 40 minutes. Score.
Just watched the results show in about ten. I will not comment on Stevie Wonder or Hulk Hogan. Casey's out! Curse of being on first, dog. He was actually one of the only decent ones. Well done America, you brainiacs. Ah, the judges used their wildcard on him. One save of the season! Better hope Paul don't get in that bottom two. Casey looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Aw, bless. How cute! That was mega cute. His parents are the cutest thing on the planet, too.
But that also means tonight was ALL FOR NOTHING.
BTW I'm going on my hols to Spain for a week now, so let me know if I miss anything good on TV.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Sky Living: Jade changed my life

Well, not mine, but maybe Jack Tweed's. Temporarily.
Sorry I'm a day late on this but I don't have Sky Living so I had to watch it round a friends (pft, as if I've got friends, I just got it on a torrent). Anyway, it's here now, the publicity machine keeps spinning, long after she's dead. There they all are, the mum, Jack, Jeff, all at war, but all united by their love of Jade and her massive gob. Could any tribute be as heartfelt as Russell Brand's sweet-but-weird eulogy to Jade in Booky Wook? Well, Jack Tweed's funeral poem comes a close second, but that goes without saying.
Max Clifford! How is that Asian murder-in-South-Africa suspect doing, Max? Who WOULD play Jade in the film of her life?
I like Jeff, he seems like the very definition of 'a nice guy', unlike Jack, an attractive plank with a serious personality disorder. I don't think it would be too harsh to say he's semi-retarded (except to people with genuine disabilities). His own mother would probably agree, and is partly responsible. Who could forget Jack's star turn on Big Brother, where the only thing he did of note was to call Shilpa Shetty a 'cunt' under the covers? Never forget!
This documentary has told me nothing I didn't know so far. I think it's a bit much for that person to say if she'd been treated earlier she'd have survived, you can't know that and it's not that helpful to say it (unless it's to make others seek treatment earlier).
Watching Jack trying to process his feelings of grief is like watching a toaster trying to perform open-heart surgery. An admirable struggle, but it's never going to really get off the ground. Bless.
That wedding was harrowing viewing at the time (I watched it after a long night that didn't end well). She was brave- and dare I say it- beautiful.
I think Jack Tweed did love Jade, he just doesn't really know how to process language or emotions. I do feel sorry for him, because no one should have to go through that at his age, or any age, ideally.
The funeral circus was stupid, but no worse than the Royal madness waiting for us next month. At least Jade meant something to some people, unlike that stilted pair of robots.
I don't blame Jeff for whipping the boys away and not subjecting him to that whole thing. He seems extremely sensible and quite wise, actually. I like the fact he's not selling the children down the river, although I understand why Jade did it, too.
It is sad Jack can't see the kids anymore, but he made his own bed, really, and I think Jeff has their best interests at heart. It must be hard for Jack who helped bring them up, but it's a very difficult situation, with several extenuating circumstances (one involving a golf club and a taxi driver).
Jesus, Jack's only 23 now. He's a baby. I do feel for Jade's mum because Jade was more of a mum to her than anything else. She must be lost without her.
It was nice seeing her friends too, and that they're keeping her memory alive. I hope I would be celebrated in death and not just moped over.
PS. Jeff is getting kind of hotter with old age, no?
This show made me pine for Big Brother. What is happening to the C5 bid? What have we got to look forward to in the summer? And more importantly, how am I going to get any traffic to my blog without it?

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Love Thy Neighbour

Apologies for my lack of bloggage but there's bugger all on TV worth shouting about and everything I am watching is either on DVD or about ten years old. I will blog about those things anyway, but not yet.
And I'm blogging this three weeks too late. Silly, aren't I? Still, I'm doing my best! I meant to watch this but Thursday is pretty much the only night I leave the house, so forgive me.
This show sees a bunch of people competing to win a cottage in a village full of bigots (is the one in Midsummer Murders?)
I want to win that cottage, people can call me whatever they like, I'll just put barbed wire round the fence and set the dogs on them once I move in.
The first couple are - lesbians. I know, shocking stuff! OMG they've got a baby. How DID that happen? No doubt some rude cunt will ask them shortly.
'POLITICALLY CORRECT'! Check. I think you get desensitised living in London to just how pig ignorant people actually are.
Second 'contestant' is a topless model. Well, they'll probably prefer her to the lesbians.
I went to look at a village to live in at the weekend. I'm not sure I'm cut out for people being friendly in shops and nodding to you in the street. I prefer chicken bones and human bloodstains lining the pavements.
Someone was literally open-mouthed at the sight of the lesbians. It's like the Daily Mail has come to life. Now there's a thought.
Apparently you DON'T need a man and woman to make a kid, you toxic old bat. Stop saying 'a lot of people will think this...' when spouting your own hateful views. Oh, and mind your own fucking business an' all.
OMG those cunts in the forest begrudging them their IVF. WANKERS. The NHS! Fuck off, the NHS is there for everyone. Why are you against two people who love each other bringing a child they love into the world? WHY WHY WHY? OMG the old 'the child will get bullied' scenario. Why not RAISE YOUR CHILDREN NO TO TO BE HATEFUL LITTLE TOSSERS???? How about that, ignoramus features? Too difficult for you? Go read a book, you fucking prick.
'A lot of people I know...' Just say ME! I HATE GAYS! I HATE BLACK PEOPLE! Just fucking admit it! It's all over your crowy, sour faces.
How can that gay couple be so patient with people being like that to them? I'd stab them in the face. I'd raze their village to the ground, cackling.
The topless model has got no chance, because she's a bit brassy and they're too snooty. Wow, I haven't heard anyone use the word 'trollop' in about 15 years.
When that blonde woman had upset the 'life model' and made her swear, she enjoyed repeating the word 'fucking' a little too much for my liking.
LOL even after the model stomped off in a huff, only 77% voted for the lesbians to stay. Says a lot.
I shant be watching anymore of this. There's enough hate stored up in my heart to do me an injury. I need to go do yoga or summat.
PS. Stay tuned to me. I missed you a bit.

Monday, 7 March 2011

American Idol: Blogging a dead horse

Got a spare six hours per week? Then why not get into past-its-best singing competition American Idol! Honestly, I've been slogging through these episodes for three days now. I wouldn't mind, but the singing is AWFUL. The songs are old fashioned, the judges are anodyne. JLo is so fluffy and banal she's now making Randy look like he's got teeth. She's the most repetitive judge since Louis 'kids will love them' Walsh. Steven (wooooooooooooo!) Tyler looks like he's waiting for Liv to come pick him up from the nursing home. Randy seems to be the only one who knows what he's talking about. RANDY, DAWG. I still want to lick his face.
I'm now watching the two-hour RESULTS show, results that would only take all of ten minutes for someone with brain-damage to read out. Ryan Seacrest performs this marvel in 120 minutes! No further comment is needed.
I like ONE of the boys, beardy bloke in the white suit (I'll take his name down later). The only girl I like (little goth geek thing) was the ONLY thing Jennifer Lopez saw fit to slag off, so I guess she's not getting through tonight. AMERICA.
Country dude with the deep voice makes me thank GOD (who doesn't exist) I wasn't born in the USA so I don't have to suffer the effrontery that is country music. We don't stand for that bullshit. Take your cattle and your straw and SHUT IT.
OMG that black girl that did Rhianna! It made nails down a blackboard sound like pan pipes. That girl with the dreds who they put in a yellow flamenco outfit! It's like they're about 15 years behind us for fashion and culture. Or the stylist is just really fucked in the head.
WTF is this talking heads bit about? FILLER! FILLER FILLER FILLER.
I kind of like this gobliny looking guy, too. So I guess he's not getting through, either.
There's no tension in this results show (so far) because even if they didn't make it, the judges have a certain amount of wildcards they can put through. So when people are being told they haven't made it, it's completely pointless. They should have kept that bit a secret and then maybe I'd have cared about the first 90 minutes of this excrement.
This bit where Ryan Seacrest tells us AGAIN what the judges said yesterday is TEDIOUS. It's like someone talking me through what I saw in Eastenders last night. I KNOW. I SAW IT. It was bad enough the first time.
Paul is the dude I like in the white suit with the roses. I also like ginger afro dude actually. Hope they both get through.
That falsetto bloke doesn't do much for me either, he's no Adam Lambert and they're selling him like he's amazing. That cutesy girl gets on my wick, too. You know the one. Long blonde hair. Smug.
Wild cards! This black girl is good. I like Stefano, too. Hope he gets in.
They're not even telling us how many wildcards they're putting through! Let me guess why. Cos they're making it up as they go along? Are they going to put all of them through? That would be some premium-grade flim flam.
Sod Giovanni! What about ginger afro kid? BAD IDOL.
My little goth is out! Boos. Why does dreadlock girl keep doing these dreadful songs (ah!) I like her but they're making her so old fashioned. Simon wouldn't have put up with this BS.
Yeah put Robbie through! He's my little goblin. He's got a really strong voice (yet he is murdering this Elton John song). Still miffed about ginger dude, though.
Whilst the judges deliberate let's listen to Jennifer Lopez's rubbish new single with... is that Brian Harvey? She's a bit old for all this frippery, in my opinion. She does look good, though. She's got a nice orange glow about her. Like she's been eating Ready Brek. Nice that she's hawking her wares whilst deciding on people's future, isn't it? Sensitive lady, our Jenny from the block (of gold).
The final ten looked so pleased to see Ashthon (her parents' spelling) get through. Positively thrilled!
Aw, Stefano. He's a sweetie. WOT, no Robbie? FAIL.
UGH. I'm left with a bad feeling in tummy. At least Simon was knowingly cruel. This is cruel pretending to be something else. And worse: it's not that entertaining. I await the US X Factor with curiosity (and expectation) and bile all stored up in my fingertips. I'm ready!

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Medium: A Eulogy

I've enjoyed Medium since day one, being an avid fan of Patricia Arquette ever since she stared in the best film of all time, True Romance. She's a rare breed; sexy but not threatening, cool, intelligent, and extremely likeable. She's also beautiful with lovely hair, and built like a real woman, which must be difficult to manage in Hollywood.
Medium was always a safe place to go- somehow warm and cosy, despite featuring gruesome murders every week. The safeness was in Allison's family unit, three fantastically-cast daughters, and her cynical-but-caring husband Joe Dubois. It's not too great a leap to say that their (fictional-ish) romantic set-up made me realise what was possible from a relationship- to have a partner who challenges you, but who is also your best friend. I'll miss their chats in bed, even if I do wonder why Allison always sleeps in those bloody pyjamas.
That's not to say I've always approved of Joe; he was casting doubts on Allison's psychic abilities for long after he should have just accepted that SHE IS RIGHT. But on the whole, their relationship was a thing of wonder and warmth, and I always envied it. They spoke to each other like real people do. The acting by all involved was excellent, but especially by the children, considering I can't stand children usually. Bridget is just like a mini adult.
I think it must be quite difficult to strike a balance with a drama about ghosts to not go too schlocky, but I think Medium managed it. That's not to say it didn't have it's quirky (OK, bonkers) moments. But on the whole, the ghosts were the least most important thing. I didn't even mind that most of the time you could guess what was going to happen at the end. I liked seeing her wake up again and again and again. I knew where I was with things then. Plus it's cool that the main character is female, and her husband just has to rub along with her life.
I remember thinking in the early days that Allison might have a bunk up with Lee Scanlon, the hunky detective, but she never did. I wasn't sure about his missus at first either, but apparently they're a good match (see the last series for confirmation). I will miss him. I will miss Devalos, too- even though he was an old cynic for way too long, as well. But mostly I'll miss Allison. She was one of the most realistic people on TV- even though I don't even believe in psychics! She was just cool and kind, and I would have liked her as a friend.
OK, so the last episode was a bit rubbish (I won't spoil it). But at least the series didn't get cancelled before they got to write one.
If you have a suggestion for something to fill the Medium-shaped hole, something warm and safe and predictable, but with a good heart, just let me know. Until then, I'll be watching Misfits (also ace).
Night, Allison. At least you can get a good night's kip, now.