Big Brother 2015: We all lose

OMG I can't believe I haven't done a blog since Aaron was ejected. No 4 in 4 out, nothing. I just had to change all my blog tags, ha. I've also been annoying Michelle Visage today, so go me.
So did it work booting out four? The way they did it certainly didn't, two of the most tedious hours of TV ever (did the interviews HAVE to be that long?) and ruining the lives of five people (bye twins, back to your putrid boyfriends and botox). Plus we lost Sarah and kept Danny. Fail. As for the four newbies, was it a good trade? Let's be honest, only one was. Why DID they put Sam in? I know why the put Harry in (to get a longer warning shoehorned in at the start of the show), and I guess Showbiz (to bug the crap out of us) and Marc, well, he's Big Brother gold. But why Sam?
A question I wondered even more when we saw the BBUK alumni of Helen 'arguments' Wood, Brian 'yoghurt top' Belo and Nikki 'I'm soooooo cold' Grahame go back into the house. Helen is clearly on the payroll as everyone hates her guts. Nikki was crap in All Stars and if I have to hear 'who is she' one more time I'll punch myself in the face, but so far, she's been brilliant. I enjoyed seeing Brian Belo again; criminally left off Big Brother All Stars, so I'm glad he got the chance to do this.
Marc's fake eviction was brilliant, from the crowd booing him, to his realisation that he was loved. And for the Marc haters, I say, grow up. He's clearly not a bad person (like Helen), the cunty/ sexist things he's said have obviously been scripted and he was sent in there with a clear agenda to antagonise (otherwise, why no warnings for all of his outrageous behaviour?) To actually get annoyed by him would be like getting annoyed with an irritating cartoon character or a sexist character in a sitcom. His downfall might be this alliance with Helen as she is genuinely evil. Meanwhile, Nikki and Brian act like overgrown toddlers in the corner.
The original housemates (remember them) aren't going to know what's hit them tonight. I actually feel sorry for Jack, there's so much hate for him out there and the poor sod thinks he's popular. Helen is gonna eat him alive. If I was his mum, I'd be worried for his mental health.
There is SO much deadwood in the house right now, though, it's appalling. How did Cristian, Chloe and Danny get through auditions? Seriously, who is casting this? Marc is doing the work of ten housemates. How can Sam sit in there and dare think she's entertaining? She's anti entertainment.
In other news, I now love Jade and hate Nick. Nick is pure sleaze and Harry is disgusting. Helen: 'He's definitely fingered her or something.' Jade and her baby voice FTW, please. How are we going to cope with the old lot when the 'legacy' housemates are gone? How?! I can't take anymore arguments about fucking eggs or cereal.
Marc: 'Harry would suck a dick for airtime.' *insert sexist comment about Helen here*
Helen: 'The public aren't stupid.' Says the creator of the phrase 'idiot general public.' Rich!
Helen mentioning Twitter! Fail. Is it worth mentioning outside contact at this point? Thought not. She is going to fuck Marc's game right up. If she keeps telling him he's popular, it's going to be a big mistake.
All the old housemates are doing is talking about Marc. Say Marc had really gone, would that be entertaining viewing for us? What are they doing to entertain us? Nick is in bed. Danny, Joel and Jack have mother's meeting in that little upstairs bar area. Cristian is never even seen he's so dull. Chloe only comes alive when someone calls her fat or says she's got a sexually transmitted disease.
LOL the secret housemates sticking up for Showbiz, hilarious. They must be desperate. Ooh, Helen likes Jade, wtf. That's good news, as let's face it, she'll be the driving force behind the noms. But then remember Ashleigh's secret plan to oust two second Steven? Helen fell for that one.
Brian Belo is eating a yoghurt. No news on the whereabouts of the top.
Showbiz has only got 100 followers on Twitter. Is his Twitter feed just him tweeting SHOWBIZ followed by the crying smiley?
Secret housemates are having a conversation slagging off Facebook people for being 'attention seekers'. Unlike Big Brother contestants, of course.
Emma is now interviewing Maaaaaaaaaark from last year. Why? I thought it was gonna be Ash, too. Why not Ashleigh or creepy Chris? How about Slugsworth? I hate it when they mix up the format like this, it doesn't work at all. Crap! This should be exciting. We wanna see the fight! They'll probably leave it until the last five minutes and save it for tomorrow's highlights.
Jack is so fucking happy today. That won't last. When Jack is happy, I'm unhappy. He is SUCH  a whinging twat. Helen calling him a fat cunt etc was over the top but let's face it, we've all wanted to just tell him to STFU. But now he's tying himself in such knots, it's almost sad to watch. He's basically just going to get bullied by Helen and then bullied by the public. And we stand and cheer. This is what they've driven us to.
Shitstir task with the old housemates asking questions! 'Joel, how do you feel about Harry using Nick?' This is like one of the questions Joel fires at people. YES OR NO.
Marc loves Joel! Yes, save Joel and Jade. I wouldn't have thought he'd be saying that this time last week.
Cue voice: 'Aw, does someone think Jade's jealous?' LOL. I love the baby voice.
OMG that question for Jack is too cruel. 'What message would you send to your adoring fans?' That is too mean! Ha. Did Nikki come up with that one?! Evil.
I'd like to know who wrote each question. I like: 'How does your boyfriend feel about Nick?' Helen: 'What is he, a fucking teddy?' Good one. She may be horrible, but she's like an insult machine. She should go work for the Daily Mail. She's hardcore.
Danny is so thick, my IQ drops when he opens his mouth.
Another bedhopping question for Nick. He's worried about looking 'disingenuine'. Is that the sort of English language skill a private school education gives you? And then he says things will change. He's more obsessed with what the pubic think than Dexter and Showbiz combined. It's unsightly.
OMG Samanda! They are so lush! They were so cool I actually worked out which one was which. They are so cute! I love them so much. They would have deffo won if Brian hadn't been in there. I remember when they went in, screaming over everything, it was so innocent and sweet. That year the final was so great, like a fairytale. Not like the fucking nightmare of last year.
The old housemates are asking some good questions (probably handed to them by production). Nick is in 'the honeymoon phase' with Harry. Harry IS just using Nick, the way she talks about him is horrible, exactly like he is a teddy. It was spot on. Sam is chronically unfunny and uninteresting.
Aisleyne on now, putting Helen on blast. I would rather Aisleyne was in there than Helen. I'd rather anyone was in there until Helen, but I do think she's been good value so far. Also, Ashleeeen's zings weren't all that. It should have been Helen was giving head for the ticket, dur.
It's really pissing me off that they're showing all this bullshit and we're not going to get it kick off. They can't run their own show for shit. When you could watch the live feed on the red button, that was when they knew how to run this show. That was about 25 years ago.
I actually just want to tell Jack to shut up. I pity him! 'He came in a massive wanker, we played him at his own game, he fucking lost and he's out the fucking door. We won.' Do you think Marc was actually watching at that exact second, or the producers (ie Ted) just plays them a highlight reel? I think the second. Marc took that quite well, I'd have hit the roof.
Ha, Brian is intimidated by the other alumni. Don't blame him.
Ah here's the war room antics. I love those little sticks they use. Doesn't Marc have military training, or is that just like Donny had military training in BBUS? Big Brother Canada times.
Are they really foisting Judi James on us at this point when we could be watching the old housemates go in? It's a fucking insult. It really is, I'm appalled. I am actually agog.
Here we go (at long last). This clips package is AMAZING!At least they're showing both sides, showing what EVERYONE has been saying. Jack must have just crapped his pants.
Danny: 'Come in the house, I dare you, you fuckers.' Then holding hands with Jack. How touching, ha. That is one of my favourite moments of tonight!
Old housemates nominating Harry. They need to sort out their camera angles here. Stop showing Sam, who gives a fuck what that boring cow thinks? She's a viewer on this show, not a participant.
Helen: 'Simon's not popular.' Could have done with seeing his face there. Ooh, Mark reassuring Joel when he went in. Good stuff. I think Marc admires the fact Joel has half a brain. I say half, because Joel thinks chickens lay eggs from their neck.
Harry standing on her own. Good. Where's Nick, I wonder? He will sell her out so fast her head will be spinning. Brian: 'This is a bit awks.'
Helen to Danny: 'Are you enjoying it?' He was until you walked in. Now he's got to sleep with one eye open again. 
So they showed about three seconds of that and then we had Emma going 'where's the live feed' blatantly taking the mick out of the people who PAY HER WAGES. What other show takes the mick out of their own audience like this? Really? The lengths they go to, and the different ways they go about rubbing our loyalty to them in our faces is absolutely shocking. I have taken ABUSE off people for watching this show. I get looks of pity. And I deserve them.
PS: We'll be podcasting later this week (most likely Tuesday) so don't forget to check http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm for 100% pure hate, mainly reserved for Emma 'I'm only following orders' Willis. My only comfort is that reading her notifications on her Twitter feed must make her feel how she made Hazel feel when she left the house after getting sexually assaulted.
Night then!

Big Brother 2015: Clockblocked

I still can't quite wrap my head around this four way eviction. Is it madness or genius? It's definitely got me and my two friends who watch Big Brother (well, one friend and my boyfriend) talking. I can't even look on Twitter to see what other people think, but I can imagine people are going INSANE. It makes no live feed and the odd bit of outside contact look like small fry in comparison. Yet I am now in so deep with Big Brother than nothing shocks me. But now I feel unsure of myself. Should I bother caring about this person or that? They could be gone next week, in a puff of Showbiz.
Which brings us onto Aaron. I was one of the few (it seems) who likes Aaron and when I saw on the app a housemate had been evicted, my first thought was Kieran (no idea why, maybe I'm a closet racist? My girls at Sistah Speak, I'm really not, don't worry.) But no, it was my boy from Northampton. And believe me, it's not the first time someone from Northampton has been thrown out of a house. It's not even the millionth. I've seen it happen. So what did Aaron do? Let's have a guess that Joel is involved, and take it from there.
As time ticks by, get ready for sexual misconduct. Ok, so it didn't look that bad from that. Let's be honest, Aaron's no Conor. It looked like they were just messing about.
This hanging around task etc doesn't seem that interesting when you know half the house is on the outs for no apparent reason than Ted's whim.
How many times do we have to see Pranny saying he's 'just friends' with Sarah? Please God, evict him. I want Sarah and Kieran safe and twins, Chloe, Danny and Harriet to go.
When Marcus says the housemates have no idea what's going on, don't worry, neither do we, and I bet even Marcus reads his script and goes, WTF.
Not being able to read Twitter at the moment (I can't watch the BBCAN final until tomorrow) is KILLING me! I want to gossip about the twist and Aaron! I want to argue with people! I snuck a look at one of the evil twins Twitter today and they said a couple of days ago 'ding dong, the witch is dead.' Weren't there two witches in that film? *insert cackle here*. To be honest though, I don't care about this twist as I'm not invested in any of the six who are now up. If I was, or I'd put a bet on, I'd be FUMING. But then how many times have we wanted to kick four housemates out at once? Still, the way they did it is just weird and fishy. Shouldn't it at least be the nominated housemates for fairness? But then, but then. It's a deadwood clear out. But it's so EARLY! Argh, I just don't know. Perhaps we HAVEN'T seen the best of some of these yet? I feel like I hardly know them.
Also, on the blurb for tomorrow night's show it says four newbies including 'one familiar face' is going back in. It's gotta be Showbiz, innit?
I don't know what to say about this task with Jade and Amy in it. I can't be invested in it when a quarter of the house are leaving tomorrow. It's like on BBUS when they rewind a week. How can you care about that week? It makes people not give a shit. You play with people's emotions and just end up leaving them cold.
It IS good to be able to get rid of people who are sitting back doing fuck all, but then shouldn't it be a vote to SAVE not evict?
That was cruel putting that quote from Danny about Sarah in that task. Plus, who cares if they're both gone tomorrow? Who cares about any of this? I'm so puzzled. I don't know how to feel.
Jade and the twins making up is sickening. Jade without her nemisises (nemisi?) is no good. Then we're just back to meditation and her general big headed shit.
I can't cope with Danny. I'm gonna have to pay to evict him, which is annoying.
Nick has got a tennis court, a swimming pool and horse-riding stables. And they say he's not going to make a success of his life. He's like Jordan or one of her new husbands! He's made it!
Jack whining that he knows about the nominations. Lucky he doesn't know four are going, or he'd be twice as red in the face. Four times as red. Don't worry, Jack, there won't be that many people around to have a go at you on Friday. All your mates will be evicted.
So Aaron's demise starts with spin the bottle. Figures. It's normally a bottling in Northampton. Why am I always on the side of the sex pest? It's like Jeremy all over again.
Joel: 'I'd rather kiss Aaron on the bottom.' The others shouldn't hassle Joel to kiss Aaron, but the fact it's such a big deal to him says it all. Joel is very conflicted person and I don't think kicking Aaron out is going to help because he's going to blame himself (and no, it's not his fault if he did get sexually assaulted.)
Nick is journeying already. Dexter mistimed his journey and the rest was history. 'I'm a good person.' Dangerous words! Jack is so stupid, going 'trust me, you'll be fine.' You're blowing it.
Why is Joel in the bath with Aaron now, if he's too scared to kiss him? Joel checking with Aaron if he's got a boyfriend. Aaron is all over the place with Joel. 'Do you ever get lonely?' and how quicky Joel said no. This was just a car crash waiting to happen; a closet case and someone as out as Aaron. Aaron: 'Have you got any gay friends?' How does Joel not know any gay people? How can he come out if he doesn't know anyone like him?' Aaron: 'I've thrown you right in the deep end.' I'll say. 'That wine went straight to my head tonight.'
Ok so Joel is in bed and Aaron wiggles his naked arse at him. Big Brother should have called him in at that point! Nick went 'show him' and 'Joel loves it'! Argh! I do feel a bit sorry for Joel in his rotten dressing gown. Harriet was getting involved, too, pushing Aaron on Joel.
'Flashing his ding dong'! Dear God. The thing is, Joel does love it a bit. And not a bit. Joel did say 'Please stop it' and 'please return to your bed right now'.They are fairly clear instructions.
It's definitely sexual harassment, that's for sure. The others are all encouraging it, though. Joel has been a reasonably good sport so far. Couldn't Big Brother have gone 'stop that' like they do on BBCAN? They let it happen cos they wanted it to happen.
Joel was laughing but it was so awkward. I can see that he felt very awkward. Aaron must know he's a closet case. But Aaron can't handle his drink, that's the problem. plus Aaron thinks people are as open minded as him, and they're not. They're quite the opposite.
Big Brother left it WAY too long to call him. Aaron wasn't trying to do something mean. Big Brother let Aaron get in Joel's bed when they could see Joel was uncomfortable. They let Aaron basically mount Joel naked. 'You need to control your behaviour' is true, but also, Big Brother needed to control Aaron's behaviour, because Aaron was too drunk to control it.
I think Joel felt embarrassed. I think Joel felt a bit like what it's like to feel like a girl on the end of unwanted advances. And I don't think he liked it.
Aaron knew as soon as he was called in, he was in the shit. You can tell he was drunk as hell. I don't think Aaron 'offended' anyone, or the public, I think he humiliated Joel and certainly crossed the line, but I think he could have stayed.
Ah, Joel WAS the death knell in the end. I knew how Joel responded would sway it. He said, 'I felt really uncomfortable and I would have ended up punching him.' When he said his personal space was invaded that was true, but when he said 'I'm very comfortable with my sexuality as a straight guy' I'm sorry but that's a lie. Truth is, Aaron hit a nerve. Joel: 'I did nothing to welcome or entice that approach.' Except for have a bubble bath with Aaron just before. And I hate saying that, because I know he has them with Jack and Nick, but there's a different vibe with Aaron, that conversation they were having was different, it just was. And Joel saying his personal space was violated were the nails in Aaron's coffin. I think Joel did get a shock. I think Joel got a taste of how it is to be a woman, and I hope he takes that to Parliament with him. I believe him when he says he didn't know how to react. Sometimes you don't in situations like that. And maybe Joel does want Aaron gone, and this is a good excuse to get rid of him. And you can't really blame him. I know I'm contradicting myself every other sentence because I have really mixed feelings about this.
It WAS Joel who got Aaron kicked out. If Joel had played it down more, Aaron would have stayed. If Big Brother had stepped in sooner, Aaron would have stayed. None of the housemates thought Aaron was being inappropriate. But he WAS and to be honest, it only matters what Joel thinks, as the victim, I guess. Plus Aaron must know what the fucking rules are! Argh, how could be be so stupid? Why did no one in the house think to tell him to stop it?
Argh, it's a nightmare. I know people will call me a hypocrite. But it's NOT as clear cut as to say, well what if it was a woman? If a naked man was grabbing a woman, others would step in, but because it was two guys, everyone was laughing, so then the goalposts are moved somewhat, so you can't compare the two. You just can't. There were so many other factors at play here.
Was really sad when Aaron got kicked out. He knew he was getting 'Daley'ed.
BB should have 'intervened' EARLIER. As they should have with Hazel and Daley.
Aaron was genuinely sorry. 'I'm sorry, mum.' Aw. He didn't want his journey to end like this. I didn't either.
See you in shoe town, Aaron.

Big Brother 2015: I'm that close to nailing someone

I couldn't resist blogging tonight after seeing the 'twist' ie. the blatant fix to save Jade. What's that, everyone who WASN'T nominated is NOW nominated? Makes perfect sense, right? If you're a crazy person. But do you know what, the producers, AKA Ted, is right because the idiot general public (t.m.) don't know their arse from the elbow and would have evicted Queen Jade, because they don't understand entertainment when it smacks them in the face (see Adjoa for more details).
Don't get me wrong, I don't like Jade. But I like her a damn sight more than the Busto twins, possibly the vilest twins in Big Brother history, beating off stiff competition from Jack and Joe, the Sugar Sisters and those twin twist fuckers from BBUS. And don't even start dissing Jedward, I love Jedward (and Samanda, naturally).
I may not LIKE Jade, but Jade is entertaining me from the tips of her toes to the stream of crap that comes out of her mouth. I like the way she sits in the Diary Room chair. I like the way she tried to get off with Christian when Nick deserted her without so much as a sideways glance. I liked the way she said her evictions were 'a walk in the park' when Eileen tried to side swipe her. And as for people going 'poor innocent Nick', you need to get a fucking GRIP! If you believe him when he goes 'I'm young, I'm impressionable, blah blah' when he goes in there with a VT saying he's a pure arsehole, you must be thicker than Danny. He is a FULL TIME gamer. He is playing the house a good 'un, and he's playing the audience a good 'un, and he's playing THE GAME a good un. Don't misunderstand me, I respect him for it! But lets not pretend he's an innocent little boy. He knew what he was getting into with Jade, and he enjoyed those cuddles, and he knew the price that came with them. Well, you gotta pay the bill, Nick! And it won't be YOU getting booed and heckled and burnt at the stake when you leave. It will be Jade. So excuse me if I save my tears for...er, no one, actually.
I also hate Eileen now, and Joel is a dodgy one, although intriguing. And don't quote me on this, but I've warmed to Cristian this week. He's kept his head down and his mouth shut, unlike Danny, who's so stupid, he makes Harriet look like Stephen Hawking.
Anyway, on with the show. And learn your lesson; if you can't be trusted to vote the right way, you won't be allowed to vote. Not fair? Big Brother has never been fair. Did you not see Conor walk out that door with that 50K, for fuck's sake? And you're moaning about this! Get your priorities right. This is fun and games compared to that shit. That's the timebomb for you. That's showbiz, baby.
Ooh a futuristic task! I love the future. Big Bot? That's not very cool. Big Botty!
Fuck me, it's 2050 and they're still wheeling out the electric shock suits. Is this what the future looks like? Bring on Robocop. And Iris sounds like she's running out of batteries.
I don't mind this task. It's like shitstir, with a twist. 'The majority', it's like a BBUS task. I don't think Aaron goes on dates as such. But nice of them to all call him a slut. And they said Joel would take the prize money, ha.
How is Nick going to be the least successful when he's got a swimming pool? He's already won life.
Why is Nick so anti Aaron in this task? Boo.
Harriet failed the task by running her yap. Jack: 'I've just worn this and looked like a fucking twat for nothing.' Yeah, cos you normally look so damn hot.
Jack: 'I hope they have butter in the future.' Don't worry about it, because you'll be dead by then.
I love Aaron! Why all the hate for him? I think he has a very sweet side. He looks like a little boy in the Diary Room chair.
Harriet: 'Everyone talks behind everyone's back' she says, talking behind Aaron's back.
That is bollocks that Aaron 'relayed' that conversation to Eileen. He was just trying to be nice to her.
Nick spitting out the 'journey' card like a young Dexter Koh. Jade has brought out her supersonic bitch and there's no going back.
Joel: 'Does it cost a lot for a prostitute?' Keiran: '£60 an hour plus extras.' He seems to know a lot about it. Why does that not surprise me? £60 sounds pretty cheap, he's obviously going to a high quality place. But are we talking future prices or current? Joel: 'Could you get her to clean your house afterwards?' Don't you mean 'him'? Joel is full of big questions. It's almost like he's trying to work out who his is: because he is.
So in the future food will be blue? Why exactly? Honestly, the eating tasks are so BORING! I can't bear it. Shitstir task, eating task, shitstir task, eating task. Do they ever spend a fucking penny on these tasks?
Eileen is failing her lollipop task badly. Also, watching her lick/suck things is grotesque. Some of these people are getting a much rawer deal than others, Aaron's task was much worse. Hasn't he suffered enough, growing up in Northampton? Also, Nick is getting on my nerves, giving Aaron side-eye. Leave my Aaron alone.
I don't know why they always show Chloe in the DR. She's so fucking boring.
Jade is now talking to herself; Nick will be well jel, that's his power move, and she's stealing it.
Jade boowooing in the 'sky room'; Jade: 'I'm that close to nailing someone.' Don't make promises you can't keep. We knew you were never gonna nail anyone in the house. Keiran's fucking counselling service needs to go out of business, fast.
Sarah and Danny: worst 'showmance' in history?
Jade is now wailing in the DR. Geni-whine-ly, indeed! I wish Jade would blow up on Joel because he's a little weasel.
Nick: 'Jade's my best friend.' Joel: 'I hate Jade.' Don't worry, Nick hated her yesterday, too. I hate Joel's Hitler hair, his dressing gown, his rude questions, his value judgements about sex and women and sexuality.
Ha, Aaron picks up where I left off: 'Why do you know all the words to Miss Congeniality?' to Joel. Enough said. 'There's nothing wrong with it, just embrace it.' Joel didn't protest too much, did he? If he was actually straight, he probably would.
So here's the twist. The non-nominated housemates face eviction. Why? No one knows. Oh, to save Jade. But now they want to save Jack. Jack should save his immunities until there's less people there! He knows he's popular (for now).
So, who's up? Twins, Chloe, Danny, Harriet, Keiran and Sarah. Hold on, did Marcus just say FOUR housemates would face eviction? What the fuck?! I certainly fancy losing four of these rather than four of the original nominees, but seriously, four? Was that a mistake?
If not, then JackJoe was right to save his immunities! Four! OK, my four to evict would be twins, Danny, Harriet and Chloe. Keep Keiran and Sarah. But who cares what I think? Whatever way you look at it, there's no way the Skylar twins can survive a four-way eviction. They're GONERS. Along with the integrity of the game, lol.

Big Brother 2015: Pussy off

Evening all! It's been a long week on Borehamwood Towers and I haven't had the energy to blog. Yet here I am, on a Friday night. I'm so cool.
Emma Willis looks cute. Has she got a new stylist? I liked Noel Gallagher on stylists: 'for people who've forgotten how to dress themselves.' It's a fair comment.
Not sure yellow is Sarah's colour, and Adjoa's hair seems to be channelling Diana Ross (racist). At least we can trust Eileen to look normal, lol.
Is Aaron sexually harrassing Joel? I think he is. But I think Joel likes it. If not, Joel needs to make it clear he doesn't. Otherwise, I'm calling him 'open'. A virgin? Sounds like a closet case to me. I don't get all these virgins. What do they spend their teen years doing?! I like Aaron, he's a great housemate. Top notch entertainment. Northampton FTW! Shame he's going to get evicted in about 10 seconds flat the first chance he goes up.
Sarah has had a flannel wash. I wonder where she put the flannel after? I haven't used a flannel in years. They're like tea towels for the face. Unhygienic. I don't want Sarah to go! But I don't want the others to go either! I hate you JackJoe, you annoying twerp.
Nick: 'Do you hate fakeness?' to Jade about Eileen. Personally, I love it.
Not another shitstir task, oh I mean, a debate. Jade has been sent from Hell to get on my last nerve. Nick: 'I hate public speaking.' What's going on Big Brother if not public speaking?
Jade: 'There's only room for one spiritual person in this house.' Doesn't sound too spiritual to me! Spiritual one upping. Mind you, that sounds like most religions actually.
LOL to Danny vs Harriet. Thick on thick crime. 'Fuck off', 'No you fuck off' ha. Mature! I hope one of them punches the other one. Actually, similtaneously so we can ditch both of them. Do a Jeremy, please.
Harriet playing the 'I'm a lady!' card. I was midway through writing a tweet saying she was going to say it before she said it. Pathetic. You're not a woman. You're not even a human. This was swiftly cancelled out by Danny saying she should 'show him respect' as a man. These two make pond life look sophisticated. Amoebas have more chutzpah.
Well, the producers got what they wanted, all out war. I'm enjoying Adjoa's sheer shirt/pink bra combo. Adjoa to Keiran: 'If you've been to Tenerife, you've been to Elevenerife.' Classic. I hope that line is enough to save her!
One of the Busto twins looks like her head is about to pop off. Not sure what about. I'm sure she's got a good reason, lol. Her boyfriend is going to be jealous of Joel or something? God knows. They're probably missing Twinnie Towers. Don't worry Twin Boyfriend, Joel is gay as a window.
Joel calling Aaron fake! How dare he when the botox bitches are in that house! Did Aaron call one of the twins a two faced bitch? If so, crown him the winner immediately.
Joel is being a right dick to Aaron. He's pulling his pigtails essentially.
Why is Danny dressed like a snooker player? He's forgotten to sew on his BetFred patch.
Jade vs Eileen, ding ding. Ahhh... who cares?
Friends and family can fuck off. The racist public booing Adjoa's friend. Sick. Christ, look at Eileen's friend. How come she doesn't get booed? I am getting really pissed off now. What has Adjoa done? Oh I know... she's BLACK! And she's gay as well! Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it? UKIP generation. Jim-to-win fans. Suck it up.
Danny 'don't like being belittled.' I love it myself.
I don't care about this row between Jade and Eileen. Dull as fuck. Although I did like Eileen saying 'I'm not even bloody spiritual!' Ha. She should have told Jade that. Nah, actually let her sweat.
I love Keiran always trying to be peacemaker. 'You can bring a donkey to a well but you can't make it drink.' Genius. He could be my dark horse (not in a racist way!)
Spin the bottle. Standard. Aaron: 'How big is your cock?' to Danny. 'It's average.' This means he's got a maggot, right?
Does this Amy fancy Joel? They are playing chase. Is she in a love triangle with him and Aaron? She looks like their mum.
Who's face is redder, Jack normally or Twin A or B when she's shouting about god knows what? There's only one way to find out etc. FIGHT!
Jack's arse crack. Dear God. That's the podcast image sorted then. GIF websites across the UK just crashed under the weight of Jack's enormo buttocks.
Adjoa is so beautiful! Nick holding hands with Eileen lol. I literally can't believe Adjoa is out. Pathetic. I am disgusted with the alleged great British public. Pure fuckeries. Seriously. Have a word with yourselves.
Adjoa: 'I know exactly who I am.' I love that in a person. You weren't first out, you've forgotten Showbiz. Are they seriously shouting 'off' at Adjoa? Well one racist man is? I hope he dies on the way home. Glastoeve on Twitter summed it up the best 'Channel 5, sort out your disgusting baying mob.'
The men evicted Adjoa cos they couldn't fuck her. And the crowd are shouting at her cos they can't fuck her.
Glad Adjoa gave it back to them a bit. She was ROBBED. Criminal she's gone. She was great in her interview.
And then Jade picked Nick and Aaron for something or other. Oh, Maccys and KFC. Frankly, I don't give a shit. Jade is sucking the crap out of Nick's game. And I think Aaron said the food was cold, lol. Nothing worse than cold fries!
And yes, I'm saving the obvious Adjoa pun for the podcast... coming tomorrow as Mr Bile is working tonight! See you then.

Big Brother 2015: Carget on your Jack

Emma is looking fiiiine tonight. Still, no excuse for the way she treated Hazel, lol.
So it seems to me whoever we vote to win is gonna have to kick someone out tonight. That could be a double edged sword. It's a short journey from top of the tree to out the door on your ear; that's showbiz etc.
Eileen: 'Morning great British public.' I think you meant idiot general public. Strawberry jam-alogy.
Why is Aaron crying, cos Chloe doesn't like him? Who cares. I don't even know who Chloe is. I like Aaron's PJ bottoms, they're like technicolour bricks.
Aaron is blowing Chloe's mind with his frilly socks and 'trainers with tails' on. You don't get that in Doncaster. Well in Northampton that's considered conservative.
LOL Joel has to go on the exercise bike ala Calum. Is that five hundred bananas in the basket? This task is cheap as fuck.
Christian taking his top off to go on that bike is groo. He makes me SICK.
'Got a really good rack on her, innit.' Great chat up line, Keiran.
Jade: 'Danny's soul is so gentle.' Er, OK. Get your buttcheeks off the diary room chair, Gary Busey wouldn't get away with that. Where's James Jordan when you need him?
Ted is shooting paintballs at Aaron. Another cheap as fuck task, they probably had that dry wipe board out the back. Numberwang!
Gary Busey pretending to be afraid of balloons was better. Who's really scared of balloons? I believe those people who jerk off with balloons more.
Troll talk; one of the twins has got a baggy fanny and a lopsided face. And that's the attractive one. Wait til you come out! There'll be so many trolls under your bridge you and your sister will be trip-trapping all the way to The Priory, faster than Billy Goats Gruff.
Nick admitting to being a troll, lol. We want to know who he trolled! He's kicking his gameplan up a notch. He shouldn't say that though as it gives people a reason to vote for you.
Does Danny wear fake tan? No, he's naturally orange. Bitch, please.
Technotronics with fish guts? Why has she got goggles on? Health and safety? What is it in the bucket? I don't know what's going on. Where's Maaaaark when you need him?
Danny will hereforth be known as canoe. With an upside down U. That's his nickname sorted at least. We thought 'misogyny' would have been better but the cunt can probably spell that as he's got an A in it.
'Who are ya!' The new 'You fell over!' I fell over at work the other day and both my shoes fell off. Stylish.
Jack and Joe....l are in the bath. LOL to Joel chucking a drink over Aaron. A friend of mine isn't speaking to me for doing that to someone last week. I think in the bath you get a pass, though. You're wet anyway. WARNING! Call Offcom etc.
They had to draw the line at chucking around the maxi muscle though. Cristian stepped in to save it, like a poor man's Luke Scrace.
I like that Joel, he's kind of cheeky. 20 minutes in bed is fine! He's gonna get slung out on his ear within the week.
Adjoa's finger fucking chat is amazing. She's pretty to the point. Chloe: 'Where do you find 'em?' 'All over.'
Do people really say pussy? LOL. I don't, it's gross. Adjoa is a self-proclaimed 'black gay.' I love her.
Cristian working out with a pillow on his back was brilliant - a reverse Jay McCrae. This has picked up in the last ten minutes.
Bhahaha Cristian the Maxi Muscle merchant is crying because the girls were picking on him! LOLZ. OMG even Danny's slagging him off. Brilliant. What's wrong with him!? What a big girls' blouse. (Sexist). Him crying in the Diary Room with his sunnies on was pure joy.
So the vote to win is between Jack, Harriet and Danny. I don't even know who Harriet is, so how is that possible? Also, Danny. Er...
Harriet, shut your yap and listen FFS. I love the way my boyfriend walks out the room as Big Brother is going 3...2...1 and I have to pause it. Very considerate! Get my permission before you leave the room, please!
Jackjoe is the winner. Who will he evict? The series is over! If only, lol.
I like Aaron's pool ball outfit. That's hundo percent chic.
They're giving JackJoe a carget. Iris has had a demotion to a ten inch TV. Come back Pauline, all is forgiven.
JackJoe is so red in the face. Does he really think he's gonna get a BMW! Poor sod. He's gotta leave now to get it! Take the car and go. That would be too funny. Hold on, he can't even drive. As if they make the prize fund drop to nothing. Nonsense. That twist was whack. Should have made him evict someone on the spot. Oh, hold on.
Nick looks sick at having to nom face to face. He's always shaking, bless him. Feel sorry for him.
Nick nommed Adjoa and Sarah! Boo! Two strong women! Cos Sarah's a golddigger! Should have put Jack up cos he's got immunity and he's too popular! Flush out the immunity! Silly sod. Sarah took it quite well. She'll probably machete his balls off before the week is out.
Bilecast coming! See you then.

Big Brother 2015: I'm not at home

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Big Brother 2015: I like pussy

So, what did our scrap of live feed reveal? Adjoa is one to watch, there's something intriguing about her. Danny and Cristian are the new 'slutbuckets'/Jungle Cats, ie. sexist pricks. I quote: 'What's the fucking point of putting single women in here?' Yeah, what is the point in birds you can't bang, hey? Might as well be dead. Cristian actually reminds me of Kris, aka the Mighty Douche, that cunt who used to work in All Saints and was trying to fuck Princess Manky Teeth, who was in Rex's year. Watching him try and construct a conversation with JackJoePieface was criminal. 'Where'd you know your friends from, school?' Mint bantz right there. I think he's also a bit of a homophobe: 'men don't share beds' - grow up. The other comparison is of course, Ricci from Celebrity Big Brother. And you know fine well how that turned out. Who's casting this show?!
So how much recap are we going to have to eat? I can't believe I missed 'is that your real voice' yesterday. Blog writing fail. They are rattling through the housemates, and they really need to. So. many. people.
Joel: 'a better looking Leonardo Dicaprio'. Not hard to muster that up these days, Leo looks like a fat tramp, and hanging round all those young models doesn't help. Have a fucking shave, for Christ's sake.
What's the point of all these housemates who don't drink, more like. Don't drink, don't fuck, what do they fucking do?
LOL to Showbiz going 'You look like Sinitta' to Adjoa. I wonder how often black people have to hear 'you look like *someone who looks fuck all like you*' a week? Big Brother really is a microcosm of how women have to cope in society, how black people have to cope and how gay people have to cope with pricks like Danny and Cristian and Adjoa is all three, so she really has her work cut out in that house.
Aw to Nick pretending managing a McDonalds is cool. He seems really sweet. My boyf thinks Nick is going to go deep and have a 'journey'. I hope so. He has got Dexter/Ben Duncan vibes and that's no bad thing.
Andrew: 'I just blow shit up.' Hopefully his game! What a knob. Football! Lowest common denominator conversation for men with nothing else to say for themselves. If a taxi driver tries to talk to my boyfriend about football, he won't even engage with it. I have to talk about it! I know fuck all about it, except the usual (racists, sexists, wifebeaters etc).

A friend on Twitter has just pointed out to me that football idiot is not called Andrew. Hopefully I won't have to learn his name. He's so fucking boring there'll be nothing to write about anyway.
Nick is possibly a true gamer with all this humble crap. The boy could go far. As long as he doesn't try and you know, have sex with Cristian because boys don't share beds. And Cristian is so smoking hot he will turn straight men gay, or so he obviously thinks.
My boyf thinks Simon going was a fix but how can it be when they offered them the Deal or no Deal swap, too? I'm really pleased Adjoa was saved, you know. I think she's going to be good value.
LOL to Jade crying at Simon going. I'd be thanking Jesus.
'He was too much of a good housemate to be go.' Who said that?! Ha. Adjoa should be pleased she's not gone, not coveting JackJoe's immunity.
Why IS Aaron wearing a zebra outfit?! He's going in the 'eek' pile.
I like Adjoa asking Jade if she has children, ha. Jade is basically saying she's 'open' to women and then Adjoa goes 'you don't want to feel their pussy and that?' Told you she was one to watch. Classic BB.
Nick is 19! No wonder he hasn't got a job. Its not like he's 28 or something. I was unemployed when I was 19 too, I just didn't have a swimming pool and I watched Jerry Springer instead of cartoons.
Oh dear, politics chat. This is head in hands stuff. Joel admits he's a Tory. Better than UKIP, I suppose, although, you know, basically the same thing.
LOL to Sarah laughing in Cristian's face when he said he was a rapper. Quality.
So Adjoa says she's a lesbian and someone goes 'so you don't like boys at all?' Do you understand what a fucking lesbian is? I love the way she said 'I like pussy.' She's brilliant. It's so offensive when people say 'Have you tried sleeping with guys.' Have YOU, Keiran? Shut the fuck up then. She knows her own mind, just like you do, why should she have to explain herself? Talk about straight privilege.
I just like the way Adjoa is, she's just in her own little world. Criminal to think she had a 50/50 chance of leaving. Everyone's going 'what a great first night twist' but I don't think it was worth it, or it could have not been, let's put it that way.
Oh here we go with Cristian not wanting to share a bed with Nick. 'Guys don't sleep in the same bed.' What about gay guys? Cristian is revolting in more ways than one. Is he 12?
Adjoa is on heat. She even seems turned on by Eileen's tattoo.
LOL they are showing this awks conversation with Cristian and JackJoe. Pieface: the origin story. Cristian *deadpan*: 'I don't have a nickname.' I'm sure we can think of one, writing Cristian repeatedly without the 'h' is driving me bananas anyway. Mind you, I'm not exactly shocked his mum couldn't spell with this mastermind for a son.
Keiran is bugging me, but he's got nothing on Showbiz, so we need to be grateful for small mercies.
This Danny prick is getting on my nerves as well, in his Kylie hood thinking he's a baddass. 'Aaron is sketchy.' Why? Because he's gay? He doesn't like Sarah either because even though she's 'a good looking bird' she's 'bossy' ie. she won't fuck him. I liked her rolling her eyes at him: because he's a knob.
So now Danny can judge Sarah for having a baby as well. I heard him on the live feed saying she shouldn't leave her baby for 10 weeks, the sexist twat. No one would bat an eye if a guy did that.
They are all hating on JackJoe for his immunity. No one would nominate him anyway so who cares? I like JackJoe better than Jack and Joe, but then I like White Dee better that I liked Jack and Joe, so it's not saying much.
Why is Cristian sitting on the bed with Nick? Oh my god, that's so gay! Is he a shirtlifter (t.m. Jim Davidson) or something? His friends are gonna be giving him such a ribbing down the cunt shop when he gets out.
The next person who mentions football - just kill me. I can't bear it.
Adjoa is hot for Sarah. Jade: not so much. She is not connecting energies with Sarah. I'd rather talk about football that 'energy.' Next it'll be crystals, then the meditation and then probably fucking starsigns or something.
Aaron is upset that Simon has gone as he 'could have been a good leader' - what?! Only if you want to be led into musical theatre.
Danny having a go at Aaron again: 'He takes a lot of getting used to.' The homophobia is seeping out of you, along with the sexism. You should see a doctor for that, straight boy. 
The jungle prats are playing 'snog marry avoid' basically. They think they could get with the twins even though they have boyfriends. Did they learn nothing from Ash and Marlon's absolutely not fantastic 'slutbuckets' chat? These two are so stupidly offensive that I'm finding them enjoyable: yet they'll carry on like this and still get cheered when they leave because, well, you know, idiot general public, innit? But any woman who leaves who's good looking or wearing a skirt? Well they're just slags, aint they? Just birds for fucking. Any hole's a goal etc. And so it begins.

Big Brother 2015: Launch night - Tick tick boom

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The X Factor: Judges 'Ouses (You're welcome edition)

I've wised up tonight and started watching this half an hour late. Bye bye ads!
The groups are going to New York. The girls are going to Antigua. Gary could be bothered to turn up, Nicole couldn't. Gary's got Olly Murs helping him. I miss Olly on the Xtra Factor, and I can't even stand him, but he's MILES funnier that this so-called comedian they've got on. I don't like the new format of Xtra Factor at all, which is a shame as I like Caroline Flack. I think she's very naturally funny (unlike her comedian co-host, ironically). I still Rylan would have been great on Xtra Factor. I do like him on BOTS but I think he would have been even better on Xtra Factor and got less Flack (soz).
Kingsland have been renamed Kingsland Road. Dear Lord, look what they're wearing! I think Queensland might have been more appropriate. One has braces and shorts on. He looks like a small man who would come out of a cuckoo clock. Two others look like they're dressed out of the school lost property box. They're definitely going to go through - I think they could go a long way.
Gary is doing his concentrating face watching this next group, the unfortunately named Brick City. He said they were his favourite so no doubt they're going to do crap. They've 'reimagined' Around the World by Lisa Stansfield. One has ankle high green socks on, and the lady of the group is wearing her dressing gown. Yep, as predicted, 'not much chemistry'. Groups like this with a mixture of boys and girls never get through. They don't have a clear audience.
Nearly all the groups and a god chunk of the girls are black. That makes a change. They'll probably squeeze as many white people through as possible, but there's even a black guy in Kingsland Road (I feel like a twerp even writing that band name). Who knew Gary was so all inclusive? No black people in Take That, were there!
I quite like Rough Copy. One of them always wears a dress and I think they can both sing. I can't remember the other one who had 'visa issues'. I like the fact that they didn't give Dermot the full hug either. Take that, Dermot (sorry).
I don't remember seeing Xyra ever before, so I don;t think that bodes well for them. They've 'reimagined' one and only Phil Collins classic 'In the Air Tonight' so now it doesn't have a tune. Interesting.
Code 4 have also lost a member. Why don't they call themselves Code 3 then! It's like Five all over again. NEVER have a number in your band name, or your Big Brother alliance. Any fool knows that. They are too cheesy for me. The way they ended that song made me want to puke. Olly: 'They gave 110%.' Should have kept the 10% back.
Have they seriously called this new group Miss Dynamix? How do Miss Dynamite and Little Mix feel about this? They are super cute. The blondish one sounds posh! I like the red haired one's voice. It's kind of husky. They are like the black Little Mix but better looking. They have to go through. I want them, Kingsland and Rough Copy to go through myself.
Now for the girls. The girls are the best category by a mile. Nicole Scherzinger is being an annoying show off. Nicole has got Mary J Bilge. At least she has a career, I suppose. She's a different class to Olly Murs but I find her somewhat impenetrable.
Wow, it looks beautiful where they are! Can I go on holiday there?
I like Tamera. I think she's really talented. I like it when people catch their breath between notes. I did prefer her blonde hair, though. Fucking hell, Scherzinger or Blige could have given her a cuddle when she was crying! Cold.
I like Jade! I love her voice and I love her look. I love the fact she has her arms out. She looks so cool compared to how she did when she was on it before. Just goes to show how changing your image can make you look like a completely different person. You can be a big girl and work it in a really individual way or you can be skinny and insipid (Melanie).
Ugh I can't stand this 'quirky' Abi girl. She's not even any good. I could name 500 real indie singers who are better than her. Her voice isn't even as good as toyboy tiger Diana Vickers.
I miss Relley's Cruella Deville hair! I like her, she's lovely. She was really fighting for it. Damn, I like too many of the girls! Nicole has a hard choice.  
Melanie bores the shit out of me. She's such a drip. I really hope she doesn't go through. Oh God, not 'this is my last chance' again. Push her off the pier. I do like that song she sang, and I do think she had a good voice, but I can't connect with her. Mary J seems quite emotional today.
Hannah is up next. I like the way she talks and she looks cool. 'I want to be in places like this'. I don't blame her, it looks like paradise there. Look at that water!
She made Nicole cry so that's a good sign. Ooh, Mary hugged her! That's a good sign, too. 'You're welcome'. So you've said.
I think I want Tamera, Jade and Hannah to go through. But I really like Relley, too. I can't decide! The girls are on a different PLANET to the boys and the overs. It's shame we can't have 5 girls and 1 over. It's criminal to let some of these go for prison officer woman, for example.
OK, so now we find out who Gary's putting through. First up is rag tag brood Kingsland (Road). Well, we know they're going through. Honestly, their clothes clash worse than mine. Charity shop eek.
'What about now, what about today, what about something... something...' Simon Cowell really likes this song, have you noticed? So WHAT about now? What? We'll never know. Oh, Kingsland got through.
Yay, Rough Copy got through! I'm glad, there's something likeable about them. Aw, Gary said he's going to try and get the other one back! That's so lovely! I hope that happens. Aw, sweet. That one crying was so lush. I want to cuddle them.
Hmm, will it be Brick City or Miss Dynamix? Seen as Gary put Miss Dynamix together, and Brick City seemed to be named after a bad session in the lav, the writing appears to be on the (toilet) wall.
I like the blonde one in Miss Dynamix's make up. She reminds me of Tamera! Gary put the three groups through I wanted! Who'd have thunk it?
I wish Abi would shut up about lacking confidence. You're on telly, you must be fairly confident. 'I can't get a no, I can't.' I hope you do.
I love the bow in Jade's hair! Oh no, Nicole dumped her again. That sucks! She BETTER NOT put Abi through instead. I'm going to flip. I don't like this bit where you can't tell who they're talking to. Oh no, Relley got dumped, too. Boo! Nicole is not choosing the people I want. I can't believe she chose Abi out of those three. She was dire. Also: should have worn waterproof mascara. I honestly can't see people picking up the phone for her. I really can't.
Tamera has the most amazing lips! She keeps going on about the bad things she did, I think it was smoking weed, wasn't it? Big deal. All this Nicole hasn't made up her mind bullshit doesn't wash with me. She knows exactly that she's taking Tamera through. It's all actressing!
Put Hannah through! Please don't put dopey Melanie through over her. Hannah has got heart. Melanie is as vacuous as a Disney princess. At least Nicole made the right decision there picking Hannah. I wish she'd put Jade through, though! Grr. It's cruel bringing people back and back and rejecting them again. Like the chairs. No Rylan theatrics this year, more's the pity. Ooh, she mentioned him! Do you think Nicole still talks to Rylan? He says she does, but come on.
Oh God, not this telling the families rigmarole again. I wonder how many people switch off at this point. I'm always amazed how big people's families are. There'd be like two or three people there for me, and only one would be a relation. I'd just get a shrug and a sausage in batter off my mum, my boyfriend and my best mate.
That was cute when Rough Copy were reuinited. I'm such a soppy sod! I need to get a grip. See you at the live shows. Not literally. I'll be sat on my couch as usual. Your weekend ends here.

Sky Living: Jade changed my life

Well, not mine, but maybe Jack Tweed's. Temporarily.
Sorry I'm a day late on this but I don't have Sky Living so I had to watch it round a friends (pft, as if I've got friends, I just got it on a torrent). Anyway, it's here now, the publicity machine keeps spinning, long after she's dead. There they all are, the mum, Jack, Jeff, all at war, but all united by their love of Jade and her massive gob. Could any tribute be as heartfelt as Russell Brand's sweet-but-weird eulogy to Jade in Booky Wook? Well, Jack Tweed's funeral poem comes a close second, but that goes without saying.
Max Clifford! How is that Asian murder-in-South-Africa suspect doing, Max? Who WOULD play Jade in the film of her life?
I like Jeff, he seems like the very definition of 'a nice guy', unlike Jack, an attractive plank with a serious personality disorder. I don't think it would be too harsh to say he's semi-retarded (except to people with genuine disabilities). His own mother would probably agree, and is partly responsible. Who could forget Jack's star turn on Big Brother, where the only thing he did of note was to call Shilpa Shetty a 'cunt' under the covers? Never forget!
This documentary has told me nothing I didn't know so far. I think it's a bit much for that person to say if she'd been treated earlier she'd have survived, you can't know that and it's not that helpful to say it (unless it's to make others seek treatment earlier).
Watching Jack trying to process his feelings of grief is like watching a toaster trying to perform open-heart surgery. An admirable struggle, but it's never going to really get off the ground. Bless.
That wedding was harrowing viewing at the time (I watched it after a long night that didn't end well). She was brave- and dare I say it- beautiful.
I think Jack Tweed did love Jade, he just doesn't really know how to process language or emotions. I do feel sorry for him, because no one should have to go through that at his age, or any age, ideally.
The funeral circus was stupid, but no worse than the Royal madness waiting for us next month. At least Jade meant something to some people, unlike that stilted pair of robots.
I don't blame Jeff for whipping the boys away and not subjecting him to that whole thing. He seems extremely sensible and quite wise, actually. I like the fact he's not selling the children down the river, although I understand why Jade did it, too.
It is sad Jack can't see the kids anymore, but he made his own bed, really, and I think Jeff has their best interests at heart. It must be hard for Jack who helped bring them up, but it's a very difficult situation, with several extenuating circumstances (one involving a golf club and a taxi driver).
Jesus, Jack's only 23 now. He's a baby. I do feel for Jade's mum because Jade was more of a mum to her than anything else. She must be lost without her.
It was nice seeing her friends too, and that they're keeping her memory alive. I hope I would be celebrated in death and not just moped over.
PS. Jeff is getting kind of hotter with old age, no?
This show made me pine for Big Brother. What is happening to the C5 bid? What have we got to look forward to in the summer? And more importantly, how am I going to get any traffic to my blog without it?

Jade: As Seen on TV

The last time I wrote about Jade, she was alive. After that I watched her wedding, which was riveting TV; tense, sad, calculating, moving. It was her final job, really. Oddly, she was about the only one holding things together that day.
Then there was the overblown funeral (not forgetting Jack's poem) but after that, it seemed to go pretty quiet. Maybe it's because Jack was in prison (hanging with Boy George) and Jeff (wisely) flew away. But there seemed to be few pickings for the vultures. So here we are (just in time for the new series of BB, and there's an advert for BB, how convenient!).
Why was Jade the most successful Big Brother contestant? I dunno. Because she was stupid, bawdy, silly, funny? Because she was a contradiction?
Hmm, don't know if Patsy Palmer is great doing the voiceover, she doesn't exactly have the most pleasant voice. But maybe that's the point.
What's Rod Liddle pontificating about Jade for? At least she was honest, even if she was common as muck. It was weird seeing all those old clips of her; just how big she got before the whole race hate.
Interesting to see how they dressed up all that. It still made my stomach curl up in a ball; even now. I will never forget how Big Brother tried to protect her; she didn't deserve it. Her whole exit interview was primed, scripted, pre-prepared. And that's not what Big Brother was about. Miranda Sawyer does herself a disservice by saying 'when you are angry you'll say anything' because I (and many others, I suspect) wouldn't say something racist under ANY circumstances.
Yet weird see Gordon Brown condemning her then; he couldn't even get her name right when she died, but instead said he was sorry about 'Jane Goody'. Doh.
I learnt bugger all from this, it was just the last bit of gold from the (dead) goose.
I wonder what that PJ wanker is up to now? They didn't have him talking about her I noticed. Funny old world.
Will there ever be another Jade? No. Big Brother is nearly on it's last legs too; it's the end of an era. And all we can do is watch (or not).

Jade Goody: Kill Your Television

A long time ago one of best friends told me to start writing a blog. And so I did, right as Celebrity Big Brother 2007 kicked off (but before it kicked off). How detrimental writing this blog has been to my 'real' writing, I don't know. But there's always another way to waste time, and this is one of the better ones, at least it involves words. And so it continues.
In one of my first ever posts on this blog I wrote of Jade Goody 'I would LOVE to see Jade's empire fall to bits around her. I bet I'm not the only one.' Yet in the same post I wrote, 'I felt warm to Jade, even though she is a hateful moron.' And I did, actually, until that thing that happened that we all know about, and which killed CBB for a year and made the whole country feel ashamed to be British.
When it was announced she first had cancer, like you, I thought 'yeah right.' The fact it was announced on Big brother India seemed highly cynical and designed to make us magically forget you know what; but something that seared into public consciousness never gets forgotten (does it, Jonathan Ross?)
But now it's serious. She really is dying (she must be right, still I feel doubtful, like it can't be true, is that awful?) at 27. You have to feel sorry for her; getting married to that plank of wood is bad enough for starters. He appeared emotionally and socially incontinent on CBB so the thought of him looking after her is quite terrifying. The fact he's tagged and has a curfew must be painful, too, come 7pm. Let’s hope she doesn’t leave the twonk a penny, even though he’ll gobble up some crumbs from the red tops.
And then there's all the other stuff, like, you know, dying. 27 is a pitiful age to die, even if it is the age of the rock star death. Jade’s no Kurt Cobain.
So on one side there’s the ‘good on her, making cash for her kids’ camp, and on the other ‘how undignified, isn’t she crass’ crowd. And the ‘oh I’ve been to the doctors for a smear test since’ gang. Well if it took Jade Goody to get you to look after your sexual health like that, I pity you. And in the middle is Max Clifford rubbing his hands together, innocent as a choir boy.
And yet I, who during CBB ’07 probably silently and not-so-silently wished Jade dead on a few occasions, feel nothing. I DID want her empire to crumble. I don’t like stupid people being celebrated as geniuses (hands up, Jordan), I don’t like people being ‘famous for being famous’ and I didn’t like Jade’s personality. That doesn’t mean I want her to die. But it doesn’t mean I care wholeheartedly. And people pretending they do; well, I just don’t buy it. It’s just the chance for a bit of celebrity rubber-necking, the old Princess Diana circus for chavs.
When she dies, it will be a shock, I’m sure. It will end an era in which we lived vicariously through a bunch of idiots in a house, or on a beach, or in a jungle for nearly a decade. This time around I think Jade could kill 'real' Big Brother, and maybe even reality TV itself. Davina’s cavorting will be harder to bear than ever when their anti-queen is dead, the queen that they built up, mocked, knocked down, and threw away. She took her money and ran, and still is, but it didn’t give her much else, did it?
This could even be the death of Heat. Who knows what power Jade yields. Watch this space. (Saying 'watch this space' is cool.)
PS: Grammar Nazi... how DO you pronounce cervical cancer? I keep hearing people going 'cervi-ick-al.' That aint right, is it?

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Good Vs Evil

This has become less a blog about a TV show and more a political commentary. Which I really can't be arsed with as I have a head cold. But anyway. I watched the statement by the C4 grubby guy today saying 'let the public decide between Jade and Shilpa.' So they're taking cash from us rather than doing what they should have done a week ago? Carphone Warehouse have stopped sponsoring Big Brother. The Perfume Shop has stopped selling Jade's perfume.
The majority of this is down to the producers. If they'd showed clips of the racism to Shilpa, it would have stopped. If they'd chucked the perpertrators out three days ago, it would have stopped. If Cleo, Dirk, Jermaine or H/Ian had stood up and just said 'stop': it would have stopped.
Instead Big Brother has hinted on the sly that trouble may be afoot for the three bitches so they are furiously back-tracking (I wrote back-packing first- not sure why). This cheats us as viewers also: I want to see Jade's face when she comes out to a public lynching. I want to see her go squealing down the street being chased by yokels with pitch-forks and flaming torches.
Jade's 'poppadom' comment is CLEARLY RACIST. If you don't believe it is, go to work tomorrow, find the most senior Asian in the business, and call him/her Mr/Ms Poppadom. It's called gross misconduct. It's vile. It shouldn't be allowed. C4 are saying it's OK.
Earlier this evening I saw a blatantly staged bit of live feed where Jade apologised to Shilpa (after Big Brother told her to). Wow, that's me fooled! Fish my Jade perfume out the bin! Sign me up for a subscription of OK! All is forgiven! For fucks sake! We're not RETARDS!
Or are we? I still can't believe how many Jade-apologists there are out there. It is truly terrifying.
One things for sure, if Jade survives the vote tomorrow, I will stop watching. A vote for Jade is a vote for the BNP. Don't mug yourself, Britain.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: The 'Twist'

When is a twist not a twist? When every fucker on earth knew about it a week ago. It's day 3 of Celeb BB. I don't even know all the names yet, and still they insist on yanking the people apart, messing with the budding relationships and generally proving they don't have a fucking CLUE what makes Big Brother successful. What's good about Big Brother? Romance. Fights. What's bad about Big Brother? The time they split in in half.
Just let things develop naturally, goddamit. Fucking IDIOTS.
Davina's mind-boggling excitement like a joke email that says at the top 'This is REALLY funny!' and makes you hate it immediately, says 'ooh, just imagine Jermaine slumming it in here...' then they let the fucking muppet contestants pick who goes in. Not that I even care about that stupid twist anyway. Jermaine's child is called Jermajesty. How the FUCK did they not laugh when he told them that?
So it's half time at the moment and despite almost being forced Clockwork orange stylee by C4 to watch Ugly Betty I'm waiting for Jade and co to meet... Ken, Bollywood, and Mr. Spray-On Hair. That's not a fireworks explosion, that's a wet sparkler. Seriously, shoot the producers. Just get some TV columnists and internet forum members to run the show. It would cause the Earth to shudder on it's axis.
Dear God, please make Jade's stupid boyfriend flirt with Shilpa. I would LOVE to see Jade's empire fall to bits around her. I bet I'm not the only one.
Ooh. Round two.
Well the best bit was Jade unintentionally calling the others 'cold' on the big screen. See, BB, you can't engineer cock-ups like that. BB dropped the ball again by not even letting us see the 'servants' meeting the Goodys. Dur?
I felt warm to Jade, even though she is a hateful moron. She will put her foot in it and provide some accidental comedy. She will get jealous and rub some of the more stuck-up ones up the wrong way.
A final word: Davina dressing up as Ugly Betty in the ad break. Is there nothing you won't do, woman? Jade has more fucking integrity than this woman. Sack Davina and Dermot. Let Russell do the lot.