Thursday, 31 January 2008

Recording of Morrissey on Jonathan Ross

The Morrissey luck fairy visited me today (about time, where were you last Saturday, you bitch?) In a rather unexpected turn of events someone posted on my work messageboard that they had 4 spare tickets for Jonathan Ross tonight (they film it on Thursdays). But alas! Someone else had replied saying they'd take them. Desperate, I posted saying 'if by any chance you don't go, please could I have your tickets.' By pure chance, two of this girls friends couldn't go, so she said she'd meet me and my boyfriend in the queue! Raced out of work and went to meet a complete stranger who I work with, and her boyfriend, who luckily both turned out to be very nice.
The Joanathan Ross set looks very peculiar in the flesh- tiny and very, very red. The black couch which looks so plush on the TV looks cheap and manky in the flesh and Jro's desk looks TINY! My boyfriend insists furniture on film sets is made smaller to make actors look taller so maybe this is what happened here. The couch, the 'poofs and the piano' and the area where the band perform are all right next to each other. The poofs sang a crude song about anal sex which was quite funny, but Jonathan Ross was being very crude which I thought was a bit 'urgh.' He seemed really fake and unnatural at first, which is a shame, as normally I like him loads.
I was excited to see the show anyway, but I was a bit disappointed with the guests tonight. How dare I complain about the guests when Moz is on? Well I dare! especially when Jro talks to some bints from 'Mistresses' (I know, me neither) for forty minutes and then Morrissey doesn't even get interviewed. Sob! Honestly, it was quite draggy. We really needed some comedy on. Jonathan Ross ate a cheeseburger from a can at the start which I thought was in bad taste in front of Morrissey and thought he was baiting him a little bit. I'm suprised Morrissey didn't walk out. Jro also said he was going to show a clip of Harry Hill doing Moz on Stars in Your Eyes, but he didn't (sadly!)
The other guests were so dude from Lost who talked about his old drug habit for half an hour (and he even admitted Lost was tosh) and Britt Eckland, who seemed truly nutty (and oddly obsessed with Google!). Jro asked her if she was a Morrissey fan and she lied and said she was but I'm sure they'll cut that bit out. There was a funny story regarding her chihuahua and a teddy bear, and that was probably the best bit of the show (apart from the obvious). She was very beautiful in her day as well.
I really wished Morrissey had been interviewed but he literally just sang 'That's how people grow up.' although I thought it was damn good live, much better than on record. It was really catchy. Jonathan asked Moz if he was happy and he said 'no.' and Jonathan said 'I wouldn't expect anything else.' At the end Moz said 'can I go now?'
Jro said Morrissey still had a sore throat and had to rest his voice so couldn't sing any more songs. At the end he kind of got on Morrissey's back and cuddled him and said 'I nearly slipped it in there.' I'm guessing they'll probably cut that bit out.
Morrissey looked good, quite thin, and was wearing a tight blue top. He looked embarrassed and bored in the 'green room' beforehand and I pitied him having to sit though guests so banal. Normally Jro has quite good guests on, so it was a bit of a bummer. Having said that, I heard whispers in the queue that it was going to be James Blunt instead of Mozzer so I shouldn't complain. I think part of the problem is normally when I watch Jonathan Ross on a Friday night I'm half cut so it probably normally seems funnier than it is.
The most worrying part for me was the very end when Jonathan asked Morrissey's band if they were going to finish the Roundhouse dates and the band went 'oh is that the time?' and buggered off. They seemed quite pissed off. I'm sure it was the cheeseburger thing.
Dear lord, Morrissey, please don't cancel the Roundhouse dates. I need to see you so much!
All in all, an enjoyable night, despite my grumbles. I possibly converted my new work buddy to La Moz, and I won't be sitting at home tomorrow thinking 'I wish I was there.' Oh yeah, I will when I watch Jules Holland. I bet he'll do more than one song on that!
i'd definitely go again but the guest list needs shaking up. Next time I want Moz, Derren Brown, Russell Brand and Courtney Love. Ta.

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Film Review: 1408

OK, I'm officially a heathen because I watched No Country For Old Men last week and found it a complete zzz-fest, then I watched 1408, based on a Stephen King short story last night and I found it worth recommending.
Of course, you must always approach a Stephen King film with care (see: The Langoliers... no actually, don't). This film was set in a haunted hotel room so my boyfriend declared 'Oh the hotel room is probably going to turn into a giant crab or something towards the end.' Unfortunately, that didn't happen, but it was almost as loopy.
The film stars John Cusack (the filmatic equivalent of saying 'so what?') as a ailing writer who has sold out his art to write books containing descriptions of haunted hotels for a living. Samuel L Jackson is little more than a bit part as the manager of the Dolphin hotel, and has made room 1408 off limits. Forever.
But John's character talks his way in. So I was thinking, how scary can a hotel room be? The lights go on and off, there's a creaky floorboard, there's no mini-bar. It can't be that bad.
How wrong was I?! It was genuinely scary, and I don't scare easy. It was like the worst trip you've ever had. One awful thing after another happens, and after about ten minutes along with Cusack you're thinking jumping out the window seems like a smart option. There are a good variety of horrors on offer as well, so it's not just coming at you from one angle.
One thing I will say, is why did John Cusack dab his neck with a bit of toilet roll in the hotel bathroom? And more to the point WHO sent him the postcard enticing him to the hotel in the first place? And what is the whole dolphin/ boat thing about? These questions will never be answered, but it doesn't really matter.
I won't ruin it because of COURSE you're going to rush out and rent this on my recommendation. Needless to say, it has the usual helping of Stephen King cheesy dialogue, hammy back-story and OTT ending. But you know. It's a trip, but it's a fun one.

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

My Fake Baby (Reborns)

I only watched this because I saw them talking about it on Richard and Judy (Christ, I'm obsessed with Richard and Judy) and found it quite intriguing. It was about people who are hooked on these fake 'designer' baby dolls, and they are incredibly realistic. It seriously looks like a real baby. The show opened with the maker/designer of the dolls baking it in the oven! A baby in the oven isn't the most comforting image, but it sort of set the tone. You can make the babies 'breathe' or feel warm (but not shit, I suspect). It's super creepy.
It really reminded me of that show about the men who sleep with 'realistic' rubber dolls. I guess both are about replacing something living with something malleable but mute. But luckily no one sleeps with the fake babies. Although I'm sure a mind warped enough might give it a go.
But why would your average person want them? There are the usual people who'll collect any old shit. But then there are people with a slightly different motive, and that's the slightly worrying bit.
There was one woman who looked a bit like Cilla from Corrie who didn't want children (too noisy) but wanted to play out her maternal instincts. That is kind of weird- I could understand someone who couldn't ever have children having one as a prop, but a woman who thinks children are too noisy doesn't have a great deal of maternal instinct, right? Just get a puppy or something. She also had fabric conditioner in a bottle instead of milk (because it doesn't go mouldly). Better hope a desperate tramp doesn't rob her one day. Hold on, why the fuck does a doll need it's own drink anyway? I'm getting drawn into this madness! Later she took her husband shopping in Baby gap for clothes and other paraphernalia. He looked bemused to say the least. She spent £300! On NOTHING! On clothes for a doll! Barking mad. She also had at least four prams in her house. It grieves me that she is wasting her money in that way whilst I scrabble around buying my undies from Primark. But anyway.
Much sadder (and maybe more understandable) was the grieving grandma who's grandchild Harry had gone to live abroad. 'I just want him back again.' So they remade him, even down to the veins on his forehead. Every detail. Except for all the things that made him him.
Then there was the collector who made this sweeping statement: 'Most women like babies, whatever they say. Deep down all women do like babies.' No they don't. I've no interest in them whatsoever. I think they are ugly little puking, mewling, stupid freedom-destroyers. And I know many women who feel the same, so speak for yourself, love. Her husband called her 'sad' and said it was 'frightening' which was fairly accurate. There was something of the weird witchy collecting woman from Labyrinth about her, 'ooh you like this one, don't you?' as she brandished another doll in the direction of her visitor. The room was lined with them. I half expected Hoggle to turn up clutching an apple.
All the husbands of the women seemed puzzled but resigned to the situation. The bottom line with the wives seemed to be deep-seated psychological problems, or deep sadness. Some lack from childhood they don't even recognise. Which is a shame. The dolls really are a work of art, down to the dried skin on the fingers, but there is something insidious and exploitative about them.
'When you've got a baby people stop and talk to you, everybody looks.' God, how emotionally void to need that validation from strangers. They aren't looking at you. They are looking at what's in the pram.
Towards the end we saw 'Cilla' going abroad to take delivery of her latest 'baby' and she was fantasising about what it'd be like if she were real. For God's sake, just have one. I hate the bloody things, and even I can see what you'd get back from them is a lot more than from a rubber doll. I wonder if it was the husband who didn't really want to have babies? But then after two days of 'bonding' with the doll, the head cracked! Sick! It's bad enough when you buy a new jumper with a loose thread isn't it? A cracked baby is unforgivable.
Now I'm left to wonder... how much do these things cost? And I bet you the answer is... a lot.

Monday, 28 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack Final

Aw it was quite sad tonight when it was Dermot 'Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah' O' Leary's final BBLB. We've grown up watching BB and BBLB! OK, I was about 20 or so when it first started but I'm still growing up! I don't care if I'm already 27 and should be well grown up by now. Big Brother was as important as Britpop in it's day. Yeah it's died a death but that's the producers fault. The public still want it to be great. Dermot looked sexy back in the day! He's like a weathered little midget now. Bless.
Not sure at all about the whole Dermot doing the interviews from inside the house set up. It didn't really give the others the opportunity to speak their mind. And he interviewed John and Emelia before he told them who'd won! That was just weird. Don't meddle! They will never learn. Ever!
People left in an odd order. I was pleased to see Nathan out 6th (nice guys do finish last), followed by Jeremy, 5th. Anthony was a BIG shock going out at 4th- serves him right for being a dick all week. He looked shocked too. Haha. Amy was 3rd but she should have won! I loved the fact Emilia was in 2nd place and still getting booed. I love the fact she got to 2nd place. I do kind of want her and Jeremy to get it on. Jeremy is a funny little thing.
And so John, the ginger hunch-backed giant won. Why? What does this say about the kids of today? I think what it probably says is 'they aren't watching this' or 'nobody voted'. John was a bit pompous, a bit sanctimonious, a bit grumpy. I can only presume he sailed through due to the opening night prank. But christ. Get over it. Nathan and Anthony were dull but pretty. But the girls were the most interesting thing about this BB- girls who didn't take their tops off, and didn't sell their stories.
It's a shame no one watched this because there was something quite lovely and non-bimbo/wannabe filled about it. There were some fresh ideas which hopefully they will carry through to the main BB this year.
Please someone watch it in the summer, for fuck's sake. We've still got some growing up to do yet.

Celebrity Wife Swap: Sam Fox & Freddie Star

It's the 80s Wife Swap! Freddie Starr is one of those dated 'entertainers' in the mould of Jim Davidson who gets waited on by his wife. He treats her like it's 1950s and she lets him.
Sam Fox has gone from Sharon-from-Eastenders lookalike to... well, gay. And that was BEFORE she met Freddie Starr. Sam Fox's wife Myra looked a bit like Grotbags, but don't hold that against her. The whole lesbian lifestyle seemed a lot better than the domesticated slave one.
Sam Fox seemed quite a good sport. Freddie Starr seemed like an annoying arse at first, and then mentally unhinged towards the end. He seemed either drunk or badly depressed. Isn't it weird how all these 'funnymen' turn out to be miserable curmudgeonly old gits. Him telling Sam Fox she didn't know what it was like to have a baby was just plain nasty.
I want to force anyone who disagrees with gay people having children to watch this show. How could anyone say that Freddie Starr has more to offer than Sam Fox and her partner? How can watching your mother slave over some fat has-been be better than watching your mum being happy and cared for?
NB. I want to see David Icke swap with Sharon Osbourne! Make my dream come true, Channel 4.

Saturday, 26 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Morrissey-less)

Right now I should be wedged between a skinhead and a barrier, sweaty and possibly needing a wee, watching Morrissey at the Roundhouse. So to have to watch the death throws of Big Brother instead is doubly depressing.
Since last time I wrote we've lost Latoya, Jay and Calista. I was sorry to see Jay go, he was on good form during the comedy task. Anthony seems to have changed personality this week, he's gone from sweet dumbass to arrogant incomprehensible div. Give him another week in there and I think he'd lay someone out. John has gone from likable roly-poly funnyman (I love it when the tabloids describe people like this) to preachy, whiny loner. Nathan is also struggling to cling onto his nice guy image. Jeremy might be a sexist dick, but at least he's not afraid to let his bad side show. Similarly with Emilia, she is what she is. And Amy still reigns supreme.
Jimmy Carr was quite good yesterday but I found Malcolm McClaren's task extremely creepy. watching an old man perve on some teenagers was slightly disconcerting, and his wine tasting task was bordering on soft porn. You can keep this 'cultural icon'. I'll stick with sickly Moz.

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Down a Primrose Path)

I didn't bother blogging it yesterday cos no one's reading it and the celebrity hijackers were those nobodies from Big Mouth who looked like it was Christmas Day because they got to follow in the hallowed footsteps of Nikki and Michelle Bass. Frankly, I was embarrassed.
I liked Mackenzie Crook's geek task, but I think it points towards ME being a geek. I know, it's shocking. I liked their geek jumpers, I wear my hair in pigtails on occasion, I don't like talking in public, and more importantly, I have made a fantastic rubber band ball at work. You don't need to start off with a ball in the middle, that's for losers. In fact, you just tie the elastic bands together initially and keep wrapping round and the ball forms itself. Er... yes, I'm definitely a geek. I thought Jeremy did the best. He is quite a good sport when he's not being a bully.
I was annoyed with them all thinking John's a mole, which I think was mainly stoked up by Emilia. I felt sorry for John. The group is well and truly fragmented now.
Emilia and Latoya were up for nomination.
Latoya thinks the public want 'pacific' people to stay. I specifically want her to go for being a dumbass and a dullard.
Calista to Anthony: 'I can't wait for you to see my bedroom.' She may as well have said 'I can't wait to have kids.'
Jeremy is so pathetic with his 'don't question my intelligence' bullshit. Jeremy: you're THICK. You're immature. You're childish, you have no clue how to deal with women. I pity you.
Jeremy: 'don't belittle me in front of the public'. Christ, he'll be be calling us his people next. Just get it on already.

Monday, 21 January 2008

Film Review: Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

This was relentlessly depressing. From the ugly spectacle of Phillip Seymour Hoffman rutting in the first scene, it went steadily downhill from there. Why would his wife be with him?! He's grotesque! I know he had money but not enough!
I have to confess, I only watched this because it had Ethan in. Good thing- Ethan has got rid of those Tom Cruise tombstone teeth. Bad thing: his hair in this film made him look like Ian Beale.
The actors did their best but I thought the script was nothing special. Telling it in a different order made it confusing, but not any more enjoyable. I think this film was trying to be Pulp Fiction, and ended up like a cut-price Memento. I hate flashbacks! Lazy writing!
By the end I felt I'd learnt nothing except, don't steal from your mum and dad. But I knew that anyway. Oh and that drug dealer guy looked like Kitten from Big Brother past.

Sunday, 20 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Fatal Attraction)

The quality of the hijackers has dropped so low that I could be doing it tomorrow and I'd get about as much recognition as the Hollyoaks 'babes'. Personally I'd rather see Chris Moyles naked than watch Hollyoaks, so it may has well have been three bimbos from Lakeside shopping centre. Oh...
Scott Mills yesterday was dreadful too. I can't even remember one thing he did.
Things I was sickened by in tonights episode: Jeremy referring to the Hollyoaks girls as 'fit birds', them laughing at it, Jeremy speaking to everyone like they were shit off his shoe, and the Hollyoaks dogs not letting John go on a date with them. Now I've gone off John since him decrying his housemates mucking about yesterday as 'vulgar and disgusting' but even so. It's not like he's going to get the chance to go out with a generic lad's mag girl otherwise. Why was John not eligible for the date? I would have stuck up for him if I'd been in there.
The Hollyoaks bints further fought feminism's corner by wanting to be regaled with cheesy chat up lines, then triple-dating Anthony. It was all worth it for Calista's face though. Silly cow. I pity her boyfriend. Anthony really needs to make it crystal clear he's not interested to save her a tiny bit of face. Mind you, it's all her own fault. Apparently she was telling them she was going to marry her boyfriend when she first went in! How flaky?
The fact is Emilia and Amy are 17 billion times more interesting women than the Hollyoaks girlies. And Calista is better looking than them. Even if she is a desperado. It didn't help when she put on a slightly wedding dress-esque outfit. I was properly getting a Michelle Bass vibe.
What was going on with Anthony and John? Were they mucking around? It seemed like they were, but there was definitely an air of menace about the whole thing. I thought they were best buds? Anthony seems to have become more obnoxious now Victor's gone. I think John is jealous of Anthony's beauty and Anthony is jealous of John's brains. Even so, it's a peculiar turn of events.

Friday, 18 January 2008

American Idol 8- A Million Percent Yes

Making fun of the mentally ill. OK. Making fun of the fat, the stupid, the deluded. That I can cope with. I can laugh along too, oh yes.
But what I can't abide, or really get to grips with, is the judges (and Ryan Seacrest) looking younger and younger each year. But hold on, Simon looks different on X Factor. His whole head looks squarer. I was in the audience of Britain's Got Talent only last year and he looked like a different person. He's more of a chameleon than Morrissey, except Morrissey doesn't guzzle botox for breakfast. And Morrissey is less gay.
Simon looks a bit gaunt on Idol. And what has happened to Randy? He went from chubster, to skinny Yoda, to rotund again. A gastric bypass is serious op, how did he eat his way up again? Still, I like lovely chocolatey Randy, and his sideburns. I like Simon berating Paula. Sharon wouldn't let him get away with that shit.
I've been listening to a Conor Oberst live bootleg this week, and I've never been happier we don't have country music here. But I'm yet to hear someone auditioning with Bright Eyes on Idol. I thought they were big over there! Come on... we're ready to sing along.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Liam & Victor)

I know no one is watching it and therefore no one is reading this, but I still am! I'll be watching it as the zombies are frying up my bacon after judgement day. More fool you for not watching it, it's better than all that Brian/Twins nonsense. They were loveable, but totally one dimensional. These people are falling apart in front of our eyes. Calista's courtship of Anthony is agonising. He should really be honest with her. But it's hard, innit! Still, she has a boyfriend! Still. She must be dumped already.
LIAM! I was sad to see Liam go, he was my favourite. He was entertaining! Singing in the bath, meowing, wanking, a combover. What more can you ask for?
I was also slightly sad to see Victor go. Despite all the masochism, he was an interesting character. I'd rather have seen the back of Jeremy but I'm looking forward to the bunk up with Emilia before the night is out. I was amused by the massage going on in the background an hour after Victor left.
Highjackers. Keith Lemon- shit! Denise Van Outen- crude! I enjoyed the surrealness of watching them watching Gordon Ramsey's cooking show. Watching them, watching something else. Very post modern.
Amy to win. I loved her saying yesterday she hated muscles, hated treat-em-mean-keep-em-keen men. I think Amy is the first true role model ever in the house. She's the first person I'd like to be friends with. She's very sure of herself. She doesn't rely on her sex appeal to carry her through. She has a brain, has an opinion, and she looks cool as fuck. Good on her.

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Mamma's Watching!)

What a weird BB tonight. Joan Rivers was funny but didn't make enough of an impact for me. I was not impressed with her nominations either. I'd gladly see the back of Jay, Calista, Latoya or Nathan. Out of the four who are up, I'd like to see Jeremy('s spoken!) and Victor go. Jeremy gives me the creeps and Victor, well...
The whole fake fight thing was bizarre. Latoya doesn't speak for a week and a half and then does an award-winning eppy. It was far too realistic! Even so, I have no clue what Victor got so upset about. So what they were mucking about. I can't STAND guys who start punching the walls. I think he should be thrown out for it, as it's very intimidating. I was glad to see him cry. It annoyed me when they kicked Latoya out of the bathroom because precious Victor was getting his knickers in a twist. Get over it, you big baby.
It was weird how the whole group dynamics disintegrated after that. I was unimpressed with Nathan hiding in the hot tub offering his usual platitudes. I've not seen so much fence-sitting since H from Steps was in the house. Trying to please the public so much just makes them want to punch you. Even Anthony wanted to put him up for nomination, so something must be slightly amiss. It's too much about public image. Anthony seems a lot more willing to show his emotions. Calista is just annoying me now, I had high hopes for her at first too.
And then we had John going into politician mode so blatantly it made me despise him. He was like a creepy cult leader on a recruiting drive. Just be normal, John! It's all rhetoric. My opinions about them are really changing on a daily basis now. I still like Liam though. He's creepy as well, but interesting.
PS. Can Amy ever be spotted not munching on a bit of food? Fair enough it's normally healthy but christ! There can't be anything left for the others.

Shrink Rap: Chris Langham

The Chris Langham 'poor me' mawkish bandwagon rolls on. Hmm, a psychological assessment on TV by a self-confessed old friend. Hardly an ideal contained space, but we'll roll with it.
Dr Pamela Connolly first asked Chris Langham how he got into prison. He replied, 'how far back shall we go?' The real answer, of course, was 'downloading child porn.'
The whole 'he did it for the comedy show' defense is utter bullshit, as testified by Paul Whitehouse. Then there's this whole 'I was abused as a child' defense. So which was it? Was it for the sitcom or was it because of the 'abuse'? Two excuses seems greedy.
So, Langham reckons at age 8 he 'thinks' he was anally penetrated by a mysterious man with ginger pubes. Would you just 'think' it? Wouldn't you know for sure? I can't say for certain how time and trauma may play tricks but I find it highly suspicious. As for his tale of he couldn't remember what the penis was like 'because it was in his mouth'- it's an extremely shocking story indeed, which makes what he did even more abhorrent, in my opinion. I hate the way they dwelt on this so much, as if it is some sort of explanation. Many, many people are abused, physically, mentally and sexually, and go on to be good, kind people, the people they always were. This is IF he's even telling the truth.
Oh and his dad never gave him a cuddle. Guess what, probably half the population have issues with their dad. Get over it.
The rest of his sob story was irrelevant to me. The details of one's life, one's career becomes utterly obsolete once you become the worst kind of sexual predator. That's just the way it is. That's the way it has to be. I don't care if I sound like an angry mob, or a Sun reader. Otherwise you risk becoming one of those pathetic women who take back a murderer, a rapist, a child molester. Like Langham's wife, who lets him live with their kids still, despite looking at kids being raped, whilst she was tucked up in bed. I wonder what their sex life is like?
'I opened my mouth (in those days) and lies would just fall out' admits Langham. Right.
Finally we get to the crux of the matter. He admits he downloaded the images. The police took his computers away. They called him in and he 'was forced to look at the stuff they'd found'. They found it because you were looking at it in the first place, you nonce! You were the one who forced THEM to look at it, not vice versa, you self-pitying freak.
Now he 'doesn't remember' what was on them. He was traumatised by being forced to watch them whilst he'd only watched 'a few seconds'. Poor thing. He felt like he was 'having his nose rubbed in his own/ or someone else's vomit'. Poor, poor thing. Because those kids aren't just ACTORS AREN'T THEY??? You're a facilitator.
Also him saying it was wrong people thinking 'you can only have looked at it because you liked it'- it doesn't MATTER if you LIKED IT by DOWNLOADING IT you ARE COMPLICIT IN IT. Does he not understand that? Is he not an 'intelligent man'? His intent is irrelevant! Stupid, dangerous man.
I don't care if he used his credit card or not. He TYPED IT IN. No normal, decent, human person would type 'child porn' into a search engine. There is just a wall in your brain- the same one that stops you from fancying your brother or pushing someone onto the tracks on the tube. It's called morality, for fuck's sake. Him professing 'courage' at watching the images was just beyond belief. Him even commenting on victims, or relating to victims is just enraging.
As for his comparison to looking at the crucifixion/the Holocaust- how ridiculous. People learn about the Holocaust so we don't go down that road again, to educate ourselves, out of respect. There is no respect here.
Even the zoom in on his trembling chin at the end failed to move me: because I know who I am, too.
There is only one word for Chris Langham: scum. I sincerely hope he never works again.

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Art Attack)

I couldn't even comment on Chris Moyles yesterday, he's too disgusting.
I was interested by Brian Sewell's attack on Amy as an artist, and her seemingly not being able to defend herself. I wonder how heavily edited that was, because if someone attacked my heart's desire in such a fashion, I would have metaphorically torn their arm off. However, writing novels does require some dedication. I am suspicious of most modern art. I don't like having to read the plaque. I like a good painting as well. Brian Sewell is still a dick though. He rips Amy's life's work, then congratulates Liam for having a wank on TV! It's a funny old world.
John, Anthony and Nathan all seemed quite miffed with the hijack, and I appreciated Anthony and Nathan trying to plead that they were 'intellectual'. I don't think you were put in there for that, Anthony. Nathan, manners are good, perhaps you should have thought of that before telling Amy you fancied her in front of Latoya (the worlds dullest mute)?
Er... why did Anthony shave a ridiculous cross into his hair? Hasn't Calista got a boyfriend? And how cute was Jeremy stroking Emilia's hair?! It properly melted my heart!

Sunday, 13 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (SAS)

I thought the SAS task was horrible, depressing, and overlong. Amy did well, but overall it was an annoying episode. I felt sorry for Anthony, bless him. I'm glad he nominated Victor.
Victor crossed the line for me tonight, in calling his sister a slut in front of the others (but not in English, so they could call him up on it). He berated her for having men in her bed, but she hasn't even snogged anyone! They were just talking! She is flirty, but so what? He's a complete prick, and it was completely calculated to demoralise her in front of the others. It wasn't a joke at all, it was very deliberate attempt to undermine her confidence. And it's not like Jeremy has the balls or the inclination to stick up for her.
I sincerely hope he gets voted out a the next possible opportunity and Emilia celebrates by having a threesome in the hot tub with Jeremy and Anthony.

Girls of The Playboy Mansion

I’d never seen this show before, then I watched 4 episodes in a row. It’s every feminist’s worst nightmare and every wrinkly old man’s greatest fantasy.
Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends are as follows: Holly (Gwen Stefani’s mum) Bridget (melted Barbie) and Kendra (the thick one- well, thicker).
As if them all sleeping with a geriatric isn’t bad enough, it is truly sickening that they aren’t allowed to have other boyfriends. They are essentially just kept prostitutes.
There is another extremely creepy undercurrent running through the show, in that all the women seem incredibly infantilised. They all have pink bedrooms and puppies and kittens, and there is something really teenage about them, even the ones in their 30s. This coupled with the regular nudity, plus the obvious jealousy between the women and it all adds up to a big old wrong with a capital ‘w’. Even the title is dubious- are they topless, sexual children? No. They are desperate, plastic surgery-deformed women.
So far I’ve not really seen any one on one time between Hef and his ‘wives’, he just seems to flounce in and bugger off again in his disgusting crusty old dressing gown. I bet he doesn’t wash it between bimbos.
Holly seems to be the ‘proper’ girlfriend, and she is the nicest, but she is obsessed with image and Hef’s exes (sharing your boyfriend would make you feel somewhat insecure though, I’m sure). It's a bit weird when his exes come round and they are twice or three times the playmates age. Bridget and Kendra just seem to be in it for the cash. Kendra isn’t even good looking, and certainly doesn’t have a good personality. And Bridget is definitely knocking on… she’s one botox injection away from being replaced by a prototype.
In the episode I watched yesterday one of their sister’s came to stay, and she was a sweet, fresh faced girl. They decided to give her a playgirl makeover and nylon hair and orange skin and stuff.. It was amazing how she went from being cute in her own right to being a generic blonde doll. It was celebrated that at last she ‘fitted in’ and ‘looked beautiful’.
The programme was very light-hearted in tone, basically making fun of the girls for being stupid. I can'tt say it's not entertaining, it is, in the same way other fluffy reality stuff is. But it felt like the real story was taking place somewhere else, in what wasn’t said or seen. I basically find the whole set up offensive and insulting to women. I find their whole ‘look’ to be unimaginative (their dissing of anyone brunette spoke volumes). But the real villain here is Hugh Hefner, and anyone who goes to his house, where women are treated as brainless commodities. Shame on you all.

Saturday, 12 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Trash Pussies)

Jeremy mentioned Morrissey! Hurrah.
Oh yeah, and Peaches Geldof is a cunt. And her fat little friend can fuck off as well.

Friday, 11 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Janet Street Preacher)

'I have spent my whole life in ruins because of people who are nice,' said Morrissey, and thus Jade was expelled from the house. Mind you 'nice' was pushed to the boundaries of 'manic' with her. She looked like she was sizing everyone up to join a cult.
I would have preferred pasty Jeremy to go. I don't see much of his 'dry sense of humour': he just looks like an emaciated puppet in shorts to me. And Victors masochism is too cartoonish to be riled by.
I enjoyed Janet Street Porter's belligerence and abuse. I was surprised John Mcruick wasn't more evil yesterday, he actually was quite nice. I liked him telling everyone they were favourite to win.
It is totally weird to like EVERYONE in Big Brother. I really want one person at least to hate. But I don't! Normally I can't find one person to like. I feel Anthony and Nathan might be 'playing the game' just because they seem too good to be true. Good looking and genuinely nice- how can it be?! I was a bit disappointed with Latoya when she was finally given a chance to speak during the word association game and then was just vague/ or rambling. Someone really needs to prise her out of her shell. I think she hates Amy too. the only other person I'm not sure about is Calista- I don't think we've seen enough of her.
Was Liam wanking under the covers just before they went to be washed? Blergh. I still like him though! I like the underdog. He's a bit creepy but I like that too.
I felt sorry for Dermot a bit, out in the rain with no crowd. Bless him. What was that red cardigan about? He looked like the world's oldest school boy.

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Nailing Birds)

I have to make this very brief as I had steroids injected in my wrist and can only type with one hand (and my boss said she'd sack me if she caught me blogging tonight!)
But I had to pass comment on Russell Brand's Hijack. I thought it was brilliant. I loved the fact he was evil and tormented Jeremy (who's comment about nailing birds made him my definite pick to go this week). I liked his abuse of power flirting with the girls (them competing for him was funny). And I especially liked him convincing Jay that his dress code had been decided by a focus group and Tim Burton. HOW thick?! Pure genius.
The cameraman stunt was OBVIOUSLY fake. I found it funny, especially when Russell came in. I liked Latoya giving the cmeraman a hug, and John trying to placate him. Why did all the other housemates turn on John? It was proper Lord of the Flies. I felt sorry for him, but it wasn't Russell's fault, it was the sheeplike housemates. It was quite interesting that Jade was one of the only housemates to spot it was a ruse.
Award for murdering feminism: Emilia saying 'who am I going to cook and clean for?' to Victor and Jeremy.
Russell- why no Moz posters in the 'ouse? Also- has Liam got a sock shoved down his pants?

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Fucking Mosh!)

I loved Kelly Osbourne being the celebrity hijacker, I have a soft spot for her. I think she's really cute! She is definitely her mother's daughter. I enjoyed the bitchy banter between Victor, Jeremy and Amy as the start of the show, but didn't enjoy Victor ordering his sister to make him a cup of tea. Men do that if you let them though.
I liked the fact little Ozzy was in charge of the nominations too. I liked the fact she said that nomination reason wasn't good enough, and that Victor was a twat. But Victor wasn't actually a twat, he was just feeling institutionalised. Bless.
I think the normal Big Brother should say more things like 'stop flirting' or 'if you don't make that tea right now you're up for nomination'. It's much more fun than the normal stuff. Like if Jade Goody had been abusing Shilpa Shetty Big Brother could have just shouted over the loudspeaker: 'Oh put a sock in it, you fucking munter!' and the situation would have been dealt with. This is the way forward, I feel.
I loved the reasons Amy nominated Emilia: 'because she's fit, she's beautiful and I'm jealous.' Perfect! That's the most honest nomination I've ever heard. More of that candidness needed. I think I like Amy, she's just in with a bad crowd.
What does Emilia see in Jeremy anyway? Anthony and Nathan are a million times nicer. Jeremy looks like a pasty-faced middle-aged man. He's not very nice to her. He's not sexy. That 'treat them mean, keep them keen' thing doesn't actually, work does it? I'm still feeling a bit sorry for Liam. How did he get 50 sexual partners?! It's just not conceivable. Bless him, making up stories for the telly. I bet his gran's loving it.
Anyway, it looks like we'll be seeing the back of Victor now, or silly Jade, as he, she and Jeremy are up for nomination. I think Victor has more to offer. Jade believes in happily ever after. Did she not see what happened to Chantelle?
I enjoyed the goth party, but why was Anthony wearing a nappy? Did I miss a module at Goth school? They won't have me back, you know.

Hugh's Chicken Run

I can't actually watch this programme (on tonight) because it would absolutely kill me, but I saw Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (that's a mouthful) on Richard and Judy advertising this show where he sets up his own intensive chicken farm.
Why! I couldn't watch even the clip, but even with my eyes closed I could still hear the poor crippled chicken being put down and it made me cry. He said he felt sad about it, but he didn't HAVE to do that. If he wanted to see how intensive farming worked, he could have snuck in, put on a disguise, got someone else a job at a farm undercover. It seems to me that a lot of chefs LIKE killing animals, and like eating exotic types of animals as well.
The people who work in the battery farm environment are inhuman. I have no sympathy for farmers losing money- they make money from killing. I don't believe 'meat is murder' (mainly because the other line is 'death for no reason is murder' and that's not true either) but it is still morally abhorrent to kill another living creature. I couldn't do it. Free range is obviously a million times better, bu I don't subscribe to this 'but they had a good life' theory either. I could have a good life living on a farm, and still be disgruntled by the end of it being punctuated by my trusted carer snapping my neck.
BUT I'm not a vegetarian. In fact, chicken is my favourite food. I haven't got a leg to stand on, except to say I only eat ten things and chicken is the healthiest thing I eat. I have masses of respect for vegetarians like my brother. I think it is endlessly brave.
I'd like to hear other people's impressions of this show but Richard was right, there is something of the concentration camp about battery farming, so I can't watch. I'm shamed to say my head will remain in the sand.
Buy free range if you can. In the future no one will eat meat. But it's a way off.

Monday, 7 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Cumming Up)

I'm still oddly enjoying Big Brother CH, I like the mix of characters and the fact they aren't as two dimensional as the usual fare. The heroes and villains are less obvious, and that's what makes it more interesting (yet simultaneously more boring).
I was surprised anyone knew who Alan Cumming was, I don't think I would have from the name alone (hence why they put posters of him up). He's alright, but so what. His greasy fringe annoyed me. Bring in Ricky Gervais instead.
Alan was quite mean to them. I liked Jeremy and Emilia's acting/ flirting- she's a handful. I'm not sure if he likes her or not? I wasn't keen on him calling her a whore (even jokingly) and I'm sure it sparked her moment of indecision and defending herself later. I also didn't like it when he said she'd just have to put up with men treating her badly: I don't think so. I was glad Nathan disagreed. What a well brought-up young man.
Emilia and Victor's acrobatics are amazing; it was criminal that Jade and Heather Mills saw fit to bake a cake instead of watch the whole thing. Just because it's a million times more challenging than being a 'brainy' beauty queen, or a pretend artist. I predict the divide between the supposed brains and the physical people in the house will deepen. I appreciated Jay sticking up for Emilia to Victor, but he had another agenda there.
The real brains in the house appears to be John (who is also good fun) and Liam. I didn't realise he was bi, although got an inkling when he told Jay what colours he looked good in. Not something a straight man would normally pick up on. But why he told the tale of getting horny with a cushion, I do not know. I pity his mother watching! And orgies! He looks about 12. I feel like a pervert even discussing it. And we never did get the answer to if the sex takes twice as long if you give and receive! Damn it.
I like Anthony and the fact he just came out with that. I like Nathan, I like Emilia. I haven't seen enough of Latoya or Jay.
Liam's my favourite at the mo, for orgies, cushion humping, the comb-over (does he hairspray it?), and for meowing in the bathroom. What more could you want?

Sunday, 6 January 2008

Jodie Marsh- Update

Whilst my internet was down I did watch the two catch-up shows with Jodie Marsh and found them highly entertaining. I have taken to reading Jodie's blog whilst I'm at work and find it genuinely warm and highly amusing. As for these shows, I found it very funny when she said she was going to get 'what goes around, comes around' tattooed on her arm. She may as well just get a drawing of a fortune cookie.
I'm glad that knob left her and I hope she gets to keep her house and to prattle on endlessly about herself for many years to come. That journalist from MTV who interviewed her WAS a prick! 'I'm just asking the questions'- yeah right, in a very rude manner.
Go for it, Jodie, stay orange, keep championing women's rights whilst stripping, why not? There's worse people in the world. At least you're fun. It's annoying to be permanently an adolescent but I can relate to it. Just don't give birth. That's my advice. Cheers.

Saturday, 5 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack (Youth of Today)

Sorry I couldn't post yesterday, blame fucking cunting Orange. But you'll be pleased to know I now have everyone's number in the house. And weirdly, I actually like this series (thus far). I think the fact that the bimbo of the group, Jade (aka Batfink) is being marginalised is a progress of sorts. She is desperate for attention, and the others can commandeer it in more sophisticated ways. Crying because she wanted to go to sleep? Just go sleep in the garden! Or the diary room chair. Don't make a scene.
I liked the fact Jay couldn't name one single person he liked. I really like the Amelia (I'm drunk, I may screw the names up) and her gymnastic battle with Batfink. Batfink was good, but Amelia destroyed her by virtually making her leg go 110 degrees. The boys faces said it all. I think Amelia is beautiful and potentially trouble and will wrap the boys around her finger (especially AnFony). I think I have fallen slightly for chav princes AnFony and NaFan. AnFony has something genuinely lovely and kind about him and NaFan has a winning smile and a pleasant squeaky singing voice. I also like psycho comb-over boy Liam and fat ginger geek John. I hate Jeremy. Not keen on Victor. I love the fact the 'beauty queen' is the least good looking girl in the house. What pressure! Amy does look like Heather Mills (unfortunate) but her square cleaning is either mild genius or dementia. I like Latoya, because she's called Latoya, and looks like an alien first thing in the morning, then really cute in the afternoons. I also really like Calista, and enjoyed her song about a girl who takes it in both ends. I think she is the most talented (except for people who can give themselves a blowjob and that).
I've never liked so many people in Big Brother. Surely something has to give?
I thought Matt Lucas was good in charge. But I think Harry Hill would be better and more random. And Derren Brown!!! That would be fucking ace. Book him immediately.

Friday, 4 January 2008

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack

Happy New Year, Exitainment readers. Sorry I've not been around, my wireless broadband has been down. But now I'm stealing someone else's! So here I am (but for how long?) Ooh I just realised it's my blog's 1st birthday today. How very un-exciting.
So I like the premise of the fact that some people actually have brains in Big Brother this series. It's a rare and beautiful thing. I also like Dermot as a presenter better than Davina, even if he got some of the names wrong. Do you think old gurnface was watching at home, praying for him to fall over?
But something about the show didn't do it for me. Mabe it was a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth? Does over-complicating things freshen them or deaden them? I found the split screen really annoying. And although Matt Lucas feeding poor John comedy lines was highly amusing, it also made me cringe so much I could barely watch it. I had to cover my eyes. I felt so sorry for him! Fair enough take the piss out of them once they're in there, but first impressions are so important, and it kind of shifted the balance to the wrong thing for me. I'd like to see the relationships develop naturally at first.
But let's face it, meddling is what BB has been about now for more years than not. And I'm thinking, are these clever/successful housemates going to be good value anyway? What use is being a singer/songwriter in the house? Or a businessman? Am I going to miss the deranged glint in the eye of a needy page 3 girl? None of this lot are going to be banging away like rabbits- are they?
So, let's have a look at them then. John, the ginger politician. Was a fantastic sport being Matt Lucas' stooge. Must be an early favourite. Calista, the (shudder) singer/songwriter. I thought she seemed alright on first impressions. I liked her pink ballgown. Anthony, the boxer. He's a pin-up for chavs, isn't he? He looks like a footballer. Seems OK, except for the stupid suit. Emilia and Victor- a brother and sister circus act. They looked interesting. I liked the fact they looked a bit rough around the edges, like they might get up to something naughty. Fair play to them for what they do for a living as well, it was mental.
Next: Jeremy, a racing driver. Could have been another politician from the look of him. 18-21 going on 40. Amy- an 'artist' who likes cleaning small squares. God, I chose the wrong path in life if that's considered successful. Could potentially be very annoying. Nathan: nice-enough generic R n B boy. Liam: entrepreneur- seemed quite an interesting character. I could see him teaming up with John in the geek corner. I like geeks. Latoya- a dancer. Didn't seem too annoying. Jay- a fashion designer. I can't even remember what he looked like. And finally Jade 'a beauty queen with brains'. Unlike the other Jade, who has neither of those things. I think this new Jade is the closest thing we have to a bimbo in the house- and for that we should be thankful. The problem so far seems to be most of these contestants are 'nice'- don't we need a bitch, a slapper, a bully? Maybe that's what the hijack will inject.
It was quite funny when the secret mission was revealed and half of the supposed 'prodigies' hadn't even noticed that John had been abusing them.
Finally, who's stupid idea was it to show half the show on C4 and half on E4? I missed the bloody E4 bit and had to watch it today instead. Muppets.