Thursday, 31 May 2007

Big Brother 8: The Stepford Twins

Ok there's something wrong with those twins. Speaking in tongues, wearing the same clothes, it's just cult-like. They are strangely robotic and seem to excessively enjoy doing things that children do. Do they have to jump on EVERYTHING? That weird rap they did was just plain strange. In fact, I feel slightly grubby watching them. Please evict them quick because I can feel some more complaints coming on. They don't seem to be old enough to be left alone without a babysitter. I don't want to see them sucking someone off when the spotty teenage boys arrive.
OK, second impressions. Laura seems very genuine, I liked her babbling in the diary room. I like the embalming ambition, too. Leslie is worryingly manipulative. Much as I wanted to like Charley, she's not doing herself any favours. Chanel= thick. Shabnam more annoying than I'd hoped. Tracey: not sure. Emily: stunning but precocious. Carole: not keen. Nicky- disappointingly boring eyeshadow talk.
I found tonight quite entertaining. I expected it to be boring but it wasn't. I'm glad there's a lot less bimbos and wannabes than normal and it looks like the super-bimbo twins and the slappers (Charley and Chanel) will be brought down a peg or two soon enough.
Bring it on.

The Apprentice- Flogging a Dead Horse

By the power of Greyskull I managed to watch both BB & The Apprentice. It was actually quite a good Apprentice tonight. We thought Simon was DEFINITELY for the chop. The items he chose were ridiculous. I felt really sorry for Orange Woman for buggering it up. She seems like a genuine person.
How narky were the people who worked on the shopping channel? What did they expect, an Oscar-winning performance at selling hair remover?
I was shocked when Naomi went. She didn't deserve it. Tre was hopeless. He didn't even try. Alan's fake firing of him almost had me fooled. Even though she appeared to be ill (karmaic poisoning) Miss Piggy was still sharpening her knives. She knows Orange Woman could steal her crown at any point and she's running scared. Her comment about shopping channel viewers was revolting snobbery. What an awful woman. Alan will never choose her, or Tre.
It's down to the wire now. Lohit's too quiet. Simon's too flaky. Miss Piggy's a cunt. It aint too Orangey for crows. She's gotta win.

Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Big Brother 8: Ladies Night

That title is so lame. I apologise.
Well, it's my birthday today. And instead of being taken out to dinner, wined and dined (as if!) I decided to stay in and watch BB. Folly? Well...
I'd heard a rumour it was all girls but thought they'd never do it. It's like the Big Brother producers delight in pissing us off. Don't even get me started on that apology. They should have got that snivelling CEO dude to do it wo came out and told us we were all deluded for thinking Jade was a racist cuntrag. Anyway. Let's try and wipe that from our memories, just like her magazine deals.
I was annoyed it was all girls, for obvious reasons. It feels unfair. If they drip feed us men it's kind of boring. It will all be beefcakes shipped in to impress the chavs. The girls will be rampant by then. There might be sex. It's not exactly romantic, is it? It's like setting up rats in a lab.
So. A bunch of girls discussing fucking make up is not an appealing prospect. Hopefully we can get rid of half these girls quite sharpish. Even so, it's not the best start. My boyfriend is mildly amused that the girls are going to eat the man alive when he enters. But that's not what BB is about. It's more meddling. Yawn. I just want to see normal dynamics develop. (and a cute guy would not be too much to ask!)
On the plus side, the house is aesthetically pleasing. I'm pleased it's more comfy for them. The colours are quite cool. I like the topsy turvy stuff. And the diary room chair looks fab. But what the fuck is the point in the shared beds when it's all a bunch of women?
However. Despite my grumbles, some of the girls seem quite interesting. So here's my first impressions, insane though they may prove to be. And the order might not be right. I can't be expected to remember everything! It's my birthday!

Sam & Amanda: Said 'we're twins!' to everyone who came in. No shit. They are 18 and like pink. So fucking what. Not as amusing as Davina would have you believe. In fact, not amusing at all. They might be novel simpletons and nice and la la la but them just being twins isn't exciting enough for me. Drown them in the bath.

Lesley: What's the point? Is she the new Derek? The new Germaine Greer? She looked shit scared as a million leggy girls bounced through the door. I can't see her ripping it up. In fact I can see her scarpering. Why do they put people in like this? I suspect she's just another Dawn/ Sandy.

Charley: I don't really have a problem with people not working, fair play to them if they're happy with that. She seemed OKish, bit ballsy: the usual shallow nightclubbing WAG. Nice legs though.

Chanelle: Is this her real name? No. Is aspiring to be Posh interesting? No. Is she pretty? Yes. Do I care? No. Likely to hang with Charley, I think. She might be alright. I shant judge a book by it's cover at this stage.

Tracey: Well, we thought it was a geezer at last, but no. Kurt Cobain with breasts, 30-odd going on 60. Likes 'having it'. Fucking ravers! There's an anti-drug advert if ever there was one. Just grow up. I stopped wearing tie-dye when I was 14.

Shabnam: Amy Winehouse. I said it before Davina! Some cool clothes, interesting make up, I was endeared to her when she said 'please don't boo me, I'm fucking scared!' I think she's one of us. I hope so.

Emily: Peaches Geldof. Actually, she's prettier. I expect she'll have some cool clothes too. Might be a bit posh but it's not her fault. Described 'indie' as a new type of music. I thought she was going to say 'nu-rave'. Bet she likes the fucking Klaxons or the cunting Kooks. Still, pleased to have some indie kids in there. They might put some indie fellas in there soon. Skinny ones! (Now I need to grow up)

Laura: Beth Ditto! It's a proper cut-price NME bash. Welsh so inevitable comparison with Helen. Likes squash and food. I can't disagree. Might be a possible winner?

Nicky: Pretty, seemed a little dull at first, but had good manners when she went in. Seems quite a cool girl. Glad there are some people who seem half intelligent to slap these bimbos into shape. Makes a change.

Carole: So that's where Grotbags has been. Nice tash. Another unemployed person. Can hang with Tracey on the 'ugly hippy' step. Oh well, at least there will be two less at Glastonbury.

Canada's Next Top Model (who cares?)

From the cheapy, America's-Next-Top-Model-put-in-a-mixer theme tune you know you're in for trouble. The na-na-na's are there like a bad Kaiser Chief single (is there any other kind?) and it spells wrong, wrong, wrong.
And the source of this wrongness is compounded, of course, by no Tyra. Tyra is Queen of the Fucksticks, but she makes ANTM. From her scary eyes, to her ever-bulging bingo-wings, to her insincere advice, you know exactly what you're getting. Here, you're in No Man's Land. It's like a parallel (cut-price) universe. The new Tyra is bland. I don't even know what her name is. I don't want to know. She's got less character than Twiggy.
The contestants are pretty boring. Even the bitchy one isn't anywhere near bitchy enough. The ugly one's not ugly enough. Some of them look like farmers. I like the one with the big hair but I hate myself for even having a favourite.
There are also some weird people on the panel. There's some woman, I don't fucking know who she is, some ancient model, but she looks like a drag queen, and not like Tyra looks like a drag queen. She looks like she may actually have an Adam's apple. She has the biggest lips I've ever seen and for some reason paints them bright pink or red. But she's no Janice Dickinson. She's more like Miss J. There's also another guy who looks like a burns victim. And some old woman. Blah.
And no Nigel, of course! I like Nigel. He's British and reserved and is a good anchor in the midst of all that campness and pomposity. It's rubbish without Nigel.
The weirdest part is that Jay, the dude with the white blonde hair, IS in this series (sporadically), on the panel. It's like he's killed Tyra, Nigel, Miss J and Twiggy and set up this new cult in Canada. It's very unsettling.
I think the prize is to be like the face of Jif, or Cif, or whatever it's called these days. Come back Tyra. All is forgiven.
PS. I'm not Canadianist. Britain's Next Top Model was ten times worse and looked like it was filmed on a set made of tin foil. Let's just leave this whole thing to the experts.

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Oh Fuck It

I might get an attack of nerves and take this down soon but here's me reading at the Metrowords Event on Thursday. I read two poems and a bit from my novel. I read a bit too fast cos my mum was there so I was nervous. Listen to that thunderous applause. ;-)



It's a bit quiet so get your ear trumpet out.

The night went really well I thought, everyone was excellent, especially Elle who actually performed hers rather than read it to her feet like me and Jeff. Haha.

You can hear the podcasts here cos the whole bloody lot appeared by magic over night, like when those pixies did that guys shoes. Amazing. It might be mildly masochistic to listen to the whole thing, though.

And here's Steve's reading. Steve is an excellent writer and he ran the whole night and I think chopped them all up for us, so cheers for that, Steve.

I'm gonna go hide in the corner now.

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

The Apprentice- Midlife Crisis

Well there weren't many laughs in The Apprentice tonight. I knew Jadine would go, not because Tre is a mastermind of business, but because he's good TV, and her moping around crying, isn't. That's just the way it is. You're fired. She looked happy to go anyway, and who could blame her?
No one was interesting tonight. Simon wasn't funny. Miss Piggy wasn't cunty enough. Orange woman didn't look so orange. They all just got on my nerves.
I really didn't get the whole rug in a box thing. What was the point in that? A rug is good because you just throw it on the floor. You don't want to build it like a bookcase. If you took that on Dragon's Den they'd kick your arse.
In fact I thought all the items they were selling were jokes, especially the sun-in-a-compact invention. A snip at £100! For God's sake. Are people that frivolous with their cash? If so, send some my way. Ta.
So who's gonna win? My boyf thinks Orange woman and Miss Piggy are going to go head to head. I hope Simon wins.
Whatever happens, if that's the cream of British business, I dread to think what the milk looks like.

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

Desperate Virgins

OK it's not me whose obsessed with virgins, it's Channel 4! I just report the facts. Apparently 96% of people have lost their virginity before 25. I'm suprised it's that high, I really don't think everyone's doing it. Probably some virgins are lying.
This programme was very sad. It followed three virgins, the first was 49, and he got glandular fever from the first girl he ever snogged which paralysed him! WTF? So now he spent his time inviting glamour models to his flat and taking pictures of them for an hour. What right-minded woman would go to a strange mans flat and let him take their picture? You're asking for your head to be cut off. As it was, they were safe with this guy, because he was extremely strange, but a virgin. It was very sad the way all he really wanted was to hug someone. How awful to go for years on end without a hug. I can't even imagine it. He did lose it in the end. To a hooker.
The second guy was 29, had kind of a strange head and made model rockets at the weekend. He wasn't so ugly he could never have sex. I felt ever so sorry for him when he said 'I've tried different friends, different venues, different clothing styles...' Different clothing styles! Like what? Golf wear? Nu Rave? Clothes maketh the man! You can't change your style willy nilly. This is where you're going wrong, mate. Awwww. There must be someone out there to love him. He also had THE Ikea lamp! Of course he did! Get a new lamp, geezer! Didn't think of that, did you? PS. The pictures of jets on your bedroom wall don't exactly scream shag-pad. He didn't lose it. His foreskin was too tight so he had to go to hospital.
The third virgin was a 43 year old woman and was a virgin because of religious reasons but decided she'd had enough of shagging God. And why not? He can be selfish in bed. Instead she decided to sleep with a Chippendale-esque escort. How could she face it? I'd feel like Jabba the Hutt next to him and I'm young (ish). Anyway. She lost it. To a hooker.
It's a shame that the solution to these people's problems seemed to be to pay someone to fuck them. Living without love is worse than living without sex and I felt sad that they'd never experienced that.
In conclusion: have these people never heard of the internet? ANYONE can get laid these days and I mean ANYONE, tonight if they wanted. For free.

Monday, 21 May 2007

Make Me a Virgin- Abstinence makes the heart go crazy

I Sky plussed this last week and finally got round to watching it. It revolved around a group called 'The Silver Ring Thing' which is based on an American group and basically bans sex before marriage. One guy said he didn't masturbate and hugs girls 'sideways on, because they have breasts.' Yes indeed. Another girl said she didn't watch chick flicks cos they made her want a boyfriend. Really? They make me want put my head in the oven. Still I felt a bit sorry for her. Suppressing natural feelings can't be healthy.
Most of the people in it did look quite normal and good-looking, fun-haters though they were. They were making a film to recruit more virgins, or wannabe virgins. Fair enough. Then this American guy arrived.
Alarm bells started to ring for me when he started spouting the UK is a 'cesspool of garbage and filth' like someone Louis Theroux would be sent to get a rise out of. So the filmmaker decided to go to the US and see how this whole thing started.
There it got even more weird. One guy said he'd never kissed his girlfriend! And he wasn't eight years old. How about that?
I didn't feel like my heart was ripped out as the propaganda purports when I slept with people as a teenager. I lost my virginity to someone I loved and I learnt a lot from it (even if I did see him balding and old-looking on myspace recently). Even the ones I didn't love I wouldn't change because it's a story to tell, something that made me as I am today. Love is amazing when you're a teenager. Feelings are turned up to a thousand. I never understood 'adults' who said you don't know real love until you're older. Bullshit. Your first love is as real as it gets. Your first heartbreak is a valuable lesson, an important lesson. Sex isn't evil. Kids have sex, but I was an intelligent kid. If you lose your virginity drunk at a party, more fool you. I was never a stupid teenager. If you have a brain, you'll survive.
Abstaining until marriage seems dangerous. Abstaining until you fall in love is great (unless you want to fuck around- and if you do, fine, as long as you look after yourself). But until marriage? What century is this? There is something very creepy about these men (it's always men, isn't it?) chainsawing in half effigies of people's hearts. Or a man saying he can't look at someone on American Idol's cleavage but he used to be addicted to porn. There's something a bit weird there.
I was rather alarmed by the comment that 'HPV literally just kills you, it makes your liver fail and you get cervical cancer in 99% of the cases...' For God's sake. That is dangerous bullshit. Besides, you can protect yourself from diseases.
Oh, anyway. You might as well talk to the wall. As Eminem once said, 'I'm going to Hell! Who's coming with me?'

Saturday, 19 May 2007

Enders/ Derren/ Peep Show/ Jro/ Idol

It was an excellent night's TV last night- lucky for me, who's too poor to go out. Eastenders, which is proper rubbish on a stick normally was unintentionally hilarious, watching Phil Mitchell's pudgy little face trying to hang onto that car was ace. He looked like a gigantic hippo diving under the water, stopping for a five minute chat under the car. Does Ian's brat die? I dunno. I don't read the soap spoiler. It wasn't looking good though.
Derren was the one we've been waiting for, where he made a girl think she'd died in a car crash. The cast of her face was really creepy, but who lets people put gunge over their mouth and eyes at the beauty spa? Yuck. I thought the whole thing was done as tastefully as possible considering the subject matter and it was very eerie and convincing. Derren: you remain the master.
Peep Show (can the series be over all ready??? Booooo!) was brilliant, Jez pissing himself was the moment for me. Come back very soon! Apparently Magicians is shit, but how can it be so?
Janice Dickinson on Jonathan Ross was fucking ace, she makes Sharon Osbourne look positively conservative. She would make a great judge on X Factor, it's true.
We also watched (i.e. forwarded through) American Idol and both predicted the no-necked wonder would get the heave-ho (mainly because they Americans don't like black people) and also cos she was kinda boring. Who will win out of Jordin and Blake? I dunno. What I do know is I'm going to be at my mums next week for the final so I'm going to have to watch the whole fuckng thing, insipid Cat Deeley links an' all. And if I dare say I hate this or that person I'll get,
'Why are you so horrible about everyone?! You don't like anyone!'
True. It's called having taste.

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Too Ugly for Love (or too vain to function)

I don't have a lot of sympathy for the body dysmorphia people- it's kind of how I feel about anorexics or alcoholics, it's not a disease, it's just being neurotic x 1000 or it's a choice they've made.
Obviously, I'm a bit harsh. But to be housebound because you think you're ugly just seems ridiculous. Walk down the street! Everyone's ugly. People are disgusting! There are some monsters out there, and they don't give a shit, bless 'em.
I rarely see anyone I think is the slightest bit good-looking (well, male anyway). I'll see a fanciable man once in a blue moon somewhere, but on the whole, people ming. Even celebrities who we are supposed to revere and admire are hideous. I'm sick of being told about so and so's beauty when they are just an over-paid, over-dressed, airbrushed dog. Junkie-shagger Kate Moss, who is apparently very popular with the braindead, for example, is the ropiest thing I've ever seen. I don't give a shit if she's a supermodel or half my weight: she's a hag. Don't tell me otherwise, advertising men. I won't be fooled.
Anyway. The first girl on this show they didn't even show she was so 'ugly', but she did appear to be playing Sonic on the Megadrive, so perhaps she was just in an unfortunate time warp. What little they did show of her was nice eyes, overplucked eyebrows (her fault, not Mother Nature's), and the kind of straight hair I'd sell my soul for. She also looked pretty skinny. Hardly a horrendous freak. Seven nose jobs later and she was still hiding under a baseball cap, poring over Heat magazine. Money not well spent, then. She also said she spent seven hours looking in the mirror. Why would you spend seven hours looking at something horrible? That's masochism. NB. This girl went to see a counsellor who had the Ikea lamp. Ha.
The second guy was completely normal looking in every way. Slightly balding, glasses, just like
twenty million other men in Britain. He decided to blend seamlessly into the background by wearing a T-Shirt that read 'I'm ugly, fuck off.' What a perfect way to make people not look at you. Genius.
The third girl, Ruth was beautiful. Gorgeous long blonde hair, cool fringe, baby blue eyes, lovely lips: she looked like any indie chick you'd see out on a Saturday night. She looked in the same vein as Charlize Theron or Cameron Diaz. She also had a figure I could only dream of if I wasn't so addicted to hydrogenated fat. However her constant blubbing about how ugly she was just made me want to slap her. She said her eyes were different sizes and she looked like a man. It's just embarrassing that someone so good looking would be so screwed up. In fact it was offensive. People would kill to look like her. How dare she be so ungrateful! If I was her mum, I'd disown her. Lucky for me, I won't be having ungrateful brats myself.
All I could think all the way through this show was the regrets they will have when they are older. As you get older, you just get uglier. Fatter, wrinkly. They'll look back at this TV show and think 'what a moron I was.' And if they don't? Well they are still morons. What a waste of a life. It's not an illness. Put some make up on, and go and fucking live.

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

The Apprentice- Ta-ra Guzzle

So was she Gazal? Gisele? Or Guzzle, as she was called by Tre in the final five minutes. Either way, her thousand-yard stare didn't stop her getting Sir Alan's gigantic trainer up her rear end. Do you think if I just call him 'Alan' in my blog I'll be arrested or something? It's possible.
Tonights task was to design a trainer. The imaginitive juices truly flowed as Team Grumpy thought of 'Street' in a gaudy green design and Team Bitches came up with an abstract looking 'Jam'. Methinks the kidz would not be so impressed. And giving money to charity? I think they'd rather spend £4 on knives and crack.
Tre was back to his usual bolshy, disapproving self this week, pouring scorn on everything and bigging himself up. If he's so damn good at everything, why does he never do anything?
Miss Piggy was her usual sneering, snobbish self. I really want to break her nose. I very much enjoyed ALAN repeatedly calling her a loser. LOSER! LOSER!
The true star of the night was of course, Simon. He was like an enthusiastic kid with his borederline offensive characature rapping and ridiculous breakdancing.
Margaret's comment was genius- 'If Sir Alan wants a acrobatic rapper Simon's his man'. And if he wants a sour-faced, gash-mouthed Pat Butcher prototype, I'd say you're his woman, Margaret.

The Ubiquitous Ikea Lamp

Thanks to Dawn for this title. I posted a picture of me on MySpazz, with this lamp in the background, and what do you know. Two of my best mates on there said they owned this lamp. They have this lamp on Peep Show. For the past four of five weeks of Wife Swap, not one but both families have had this very same lamp. Every TV set from reality to soap has this exact same lamp. The chav lamp, as I like to call it.
So why, you ask, as if you don't know, does everyone own this lamp? It is undoubtedly a stylish accessory, an asset to any home. The bulbs are a pain to buy and you have to collect dead flies and moths from the plastic uplifter bit, but hey ho. So did we buy this lamp for it's elegant style?
No. This lamp cost £4.50. That's four pounds and fifty pence. You'd be shocked by that if you didn't own this lamp yourself. That is the cheapest lamp that ever existed- fact. £4.50. There is not one single person who has ever ventured onto an Ikea (ps. Ikea breeds rage) and not going, 'Ooh, four pounds fifty! Shall we get one?; if you DID go to Ikea and pass it up, you'd be a fool! A damn fool!
So yes. Everyone has this lamp. And even if you don't you should award yourself some chocolate or a cup of tea for every time you spot one from here on out.
What do lamps have to do with either Exit or Entertainment? God knows. But this lamp thing is getting out of hand, so it needed to be mentioned.

Monday, 14 May 2007

Panorama: Scientology and Me

I read about this in the paper today. In what was simply a brilliant ruse to make people watch, John Sweeney the investigative journalist was in the paper apologising for shouting at what appeared to be Tom Cruise's shorter and angrier brother.
It was a very heavy-handed anti-Scientology investigation, but I don't think I'd take too kindly to being stalked by a sunglasses-clad man in black everywhere I went. I thought his head was going to spin around at an given moment.
In my eyes any religion which seperates family members by 'disconnecting' them and threatening them with harrassment charges if they send them a letter is a cult*, and morally wrong. The whole anti-psychiatry thing is also very dubious and only this week I read that John Revolting's autistic son isn't being treated because Scientologists don't 'believe' in it. They do however, believe they are descended from aliens.
Now why would they deny this part of their religion? This is the good bit! The bit that makes David Icke look sane! I love the alien stuff.
Tom Cruise is clearly a chump and no advert for anything. Of course half the stories about him aren't true, but half probably are. That baby looks like an alien. In fact, is it a requirement you have to look exactly like Tom Cruise to be a Scientologist? OK, I'm not sure how Juliette Lewis got involved but her music makes Jared Leto look like a credible songwriter, so whatever.
It wasn't even that good when the journalist lost it. I wanted him to twat that Tommy guy. Tommy didn't even bat an eyelid when someone was hollering in his face. He's probably used to it.
In conclusion: half an hour isn't long enough for a documentary. It's rubbish. I learnt more from South Park. In fact, everyone knows everything they need about Scientology from that episode of South Park. Case closed.

*I put the word 'cult' in my tags just to annoy the diddy Cruise-meister. I'm proper dastardly.

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

The Apprentice- Yes, I'm still watching

I'm still not really enjoying The Apprentice but Wednesday night is pretty poor for TV. At least I know most of the characters now even if they are a bunch of cunts. Especially annoying me today was Miss Piggy & Gonzo's lovechild Katie. 'Let him go back to his Northern chums... where he belongs.' What a snob! All those ghastly foreigners should just push off back home as well, shouldn't they? Honestly. She is unreal. Such a backstabber too. How can she think that would make her look like an appealling potential employee? It really doesn't. I enjoyed watching her head nearly explode with embarrassment because she has a crush on that dopey twonk who got the boot last week.
The task seemed pretty pointless: go shopping. Oh, Ok then. It's not like Alan asked them to bring a Dodo back from extinction or bring him a unicorn's horn. It was just a few fucking seeds!
Adam finally got the boot despite a stirring speech to save himself: 'At the end of the day... I'm a good negotiatior... I sell stuff... I'm a good negotiator... er...'
There were a few good David Brent moments but no good Tre one liners this week.
Gazal... why does Alan keep saying Gisele? It's like Jackiey in the Big Brother house all over again. And no one wants to be reminded of that.

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Obedient Wives

Or 'muppets' as I like to call them. I swear, there is such a culture of sexism in programming at the moment, either that or I'm becoming a militant feminist. I just notice everything sexist. Mind you, it's not hard watching this crap.
'I just keep my mouth shut' says one wife. 'We used to argue all the time.' No kidding relationships have power struggles. No kidding couples have arguments. Of course keeping your mouth shut will stop this. Of course doing all the housework will help appease. Of course if you say yes to sex every time there will be less arguments. But where do you park your soul?
'Visualise duct tape over your mouth'. That would work for me for all of five minutes before I went on a killing spree. Why should the woman surrender?
All this 'he wears the trousers' stuff. Women on Wife Swap teaching their daughter that their job in life is to serve men first, to make a cup of tea at the click of their fingers. Me and my boyfriend have to play a game of cards to decide who makes a cup of tea. We're too stubborn to even take it in turns. This is healthly. Rowing is healthy. Stubborness is healthy. It proves you're alive. I have been out with a 'yes' man. It's boring. Don't tell me obedient wives are any different.
And as for the advice 'cut up your credit cards and hand control of your finances to your man'- Jesus. That is plain dangerous. 'It's nice because every time he takes you out it feels like a date.' Bollocks. You feel indebted. I couldn't think of anything worse. You'd have to be thick as pigshit to give up your financial independence. We come from a generation of mothers who had to stay married no matter what. Now women can be free to work, drink, throw stuff around, be creative. It's wonderful.
Get out of the doldrums! Life is good for women now. No surrender. If you really can't stop arguing, get a new husband. Being a doormat is not an option.

Little Miss Sunshine

Another rainy day, another film, so yesterday's download was Little Miss Sunshine.
It was entertaining with lovely moving music and a likeable cast. Olive, the little girl was really cute, and a god actress. I especially liked the mute teenage boy but don’t tell anyone. I’m not a pervert, honest.
All in all it was very watchable, but not as groundbreaking as I’d hoped from all the hoo-ha about it. It was pretty clich├ęd in parts with quite generic characters in some ways.
I also found the scene at the end where the little girl dances slightly dubious and although I got it, it just feels like it’s been done before (see Napoleon Dynamite).
I don’t know, no films are satisfying me these days! I feel hard to please.
PS. My film reviews are so lame. I just don't feel as passionately about films as music.

Sunday, 6 May 2007

This is David Gest

Very strange TV indeed.
Last week on his show David Gest was described as a a 'national treasure'. David Gest is about as much of a national treasure as Mickey off Eastenders: if you saw him in Tescos you'd probably text a mate but if he was dying outside a nightclub you'd pretend you hadn't seen rather than give him mouth-to-mouth.
I'd say David Gest was 'style over substance' if he had any, but he doesn't. Rather he is more 'show' over substance, it's all about the superficial. Essentially he is an empty shell of a man with several good one-liners.
Still it is hard not to have a soft spot for him: I especially like the fact he's now made Matt Willis his little bitch. I also like the fact his minder looks exactly like him, and he employs someone solely to apply boot polish to his balding head.
His meeting with Cliff Richard was just plain excruciating but he was blatantly taking the piss when he pretended not to know who Martine McCutcheon was.
A funny (looking) man who is probably yet to meet his match. As desperate for attention as Jordan and as desperate to be loved as Britney. I wonder what thoughts keep him awake at night?
Its probably something as shallow as what lipgloss to buy next. But his story could still end in a pool of vomit and prescription pills. I don't know, I just get that vibe from him.

Saturday, 5 May 2007

The Science of Sleep

As it wasn't sunny today so we couldn't go to Regents Park (boo) we decided to go back to bed and watch a film. I have been wanting to see The Science of Sleep for ages, in fact we even went to go and see it at the pictures once but had a row en route so never quite made it, haha.
Anyway. I like Gael Garcia Bernal especially as my ex-boyfriend went to drama school with him and used to fly into a rage at the slightest mention. Nowadays I can watch Gael guilt-free. He's not that sexy though, and he's a bit of a midget, so I dunno what the fuss is about.
Anyway, I digress. You know how two of the worst things in the world are a. someone telling you about their dream and b. a story that ends with 'and they woke up and it was all a dream!' Well this film combines both of those and I would imagine the vast majority of people would absolutely hate this film. My mum for example, a fine arbiter of taste, would not have lasted five minutes. And I have to concede, it's a lot less accessible than 'Eternal Sunshine...' firstly because they speak in a mixture of languages throughout. That is kind of annoying: subtitles are OK but the mixture is a bit disconcerting, which I suppose is the point. Yawn! I'm such a lazy film watcher- don't make me work too hard or my brain gets confused.
The whole thing reminded me of an extended Bright Eyes video: you know the one with the big talky bit at the start 'At The Bottom of Everything' (what a ridiculous choice for a single: actually- that can't have been a single- I don't own it- so why the hell did they make a video for it? Either way, there could have been a radio edit for the video, dammit!) ANYWAY, the animation and the plane crash in that was very reminicent of the visuals in this film. It was a beautiful film, very quirky and incredibly creative artistically. I completely admire the way it's shot, and the fact that most people would hate it. That's a good thing, of course.
It's just the plot that was the problem really: I'm quite happy to not know if this bit is dream or reality but I found some of it quite jarring and it didn't really help the pace of the film. The characters were also quite annoying- it wasn't a love story where you were really vouching for either side as they were just pretentious knob-heads really. Poor Stephane, a creative person stuck in a dead end job. Join the club, mate.
The ideas for the dreams were good though, it did feel like you were watching a dream unfold, which I think is something cinema rarely captures convincingly.
So yes. As an extended music video, perfect. As a heartwarming, subversive love-story it didn't quite hit the spot for me.

Friday, 4 May 2007

Pan's Labyrinth

Never trust a fawn. These are true words. They are shifty fuckers. Labyrinths are normally good though (see: David Bowie in tight trousers).
What's the difference between a labyrinth and a maze? I guess one just sounds cooler.
I was really looking forward to this film, mainly because that dude from The Culture Show who likes Morrissey said it was the best film ever made. Unfortunately, I can't agree. The main problem was there was not nearly enough labyrinth in it and rather too much gratuitous gore.
It's a strange juxtaposition between war and fantasy: I'm sure its all very meaningful and arty but it didn't do it for me. I just found it thoroughly depressing.
The potential was there: the fairies were good, the tree looked exciting, the guy with the hands seemed an interesting character. The root under the bed was pretty cool. But none of it went anywhere, things were introduced, then just forgotten. I felt the plot didn't really develop, except the annoying war plot which was just too grisly for my sensitive disposition.
How far did we actually get to see into the labyrinth? I felt like we just hung around outside rather than really getting in there. Even at the end it was kind of Star Wars-y and crap: not much of a pay-off.
It's a shame: there was magic there. It was just hidden in a big pile of violence, gore and mud.
Sounds like my upcoming Glastonbury weekend.