Monday, 31 December 2012

Top of the Pops New Years Eve

I've written that title just as they have on the TV listing; no need for commas, dashes, or any other punctuation when you have offcuts from the dried old turkey you served us up on Christmas day to try and stuff down our neck again. It's all new stuff? Don't kid a kidder.
Oh yeah, here's Girls Aloud. At least they're doing the one with a tune this time. I mean, it has a tune compared to the other one, not to something actually with a tune.
So, I have to tell you, I'm not going out tonight. My boyfriend is working, my best friend is pregnant, and other offers haven't exactly been flying in (can't think why). So here's what I'm gonna do: get up at 7am when my boyfriend gets in and celebrate New Year then. We'll probably have midnight about midday. So I'll be tucked up before any fireworks go off tonight. I'll tape all the rubbish TV, shut the curtains and just watch it all tomorrow. It could be a LONG day. Or a short, messy one.
Anyway, less about my personal life, here's Ellie Goulding. Was she on the Xmas day show? I don't remember seeing her enormous face there. An undercut does not a popstar make. Oh, she's forgotten to put her trousers on like Arg in the live TOWIE (disclaimer: I do not watch TOWIE, just watched 5 minutes to see what the hoo ha was about). ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! sings Ellie. Except for the BBC being called into account for aiding and abetting a paedophile for a few decades. And a decent song coming on this TOTP. Apart from those two things, anything could happen.
I'm drinking and eating chocolate now, so I guess NYE has begun, even if it's my stunted little gnarled version of it. Just spoke to my best friend on the phone and she's going to bed now because she's got to get up at 4am to go to work, so things could be worse. Her boyfriend is staying in too. We're a useless lot!
LOL, Script dude who looks like Peter Andre is talking in an American accent. This song made me bellow with laughter the first and only time I heard it before this. You can be an astronaut... it's like this prick and are your primary school careers advisor. Go work in a call centre instead. Is Willy going to beam in? Hologram? Or just a sick note? YOU CAN BE A CHAMPION. 'Be truth seekers' is my favourite line. Has William been going on about UFOs again? Don't go to McDonalds with him, he nearly did a Brian Harvey on Cheryl Cole last time. If you like this song, go to the doctors. Your marbles have fallen out.
They are mentioning some singers who died this year. Don't suppose I should make a joke about that. Jubilee; blah, lizard queen, blah. Next. I want to say something funny about Reggie and Fearne but there's nothing to say. They're so bland they make my humour chip dry up.
Oh Christ, it's pop's sourest female talent judge, Tulisa. Who is writing her tweets? She's completely illiterate. Is it OK for her to make death threats etc on there? Good example! That and the bag snatching. Great choice of the new 'nations sweetheart', Simon. This song is equally catchy and annoying like Saturday Night by Whigfield. This isn't her sort of music. Where's the URBAN? Louis Walsh is going to turn on, think that's urban, and get all confused and unnecessary. I went to Ibiza this year and playing in the clubs were Tulisa, Kaiser Chiefs and Sting. And here ends that sentence.
Next up, the Macabees. These do seem to be different bands to who were on the Xmas day show, well except Girls Aloud. Who are the Macabees? Have I even spelt that right? The Macabees, The Vaccines, Ed Sheeran, it's all just music for people who don't like music, not like that good stuff we used to have, like Marion and Mansun and Menswear. Not sure this guy's hair is naturally jet black. His barnet is like Nick Cave meets Steve McDonald. Now there's a collision Street Cars aren't insured for. Maca-blees. Imagine going to their gig? I'd rather go to Tulisa's. NEXT!
Now for Taylor Swift, who's not really there. This song is catchy, catchier than a zombie virus. I put in the same box as that Call Me Maybe bullshit. You'll be singing it later, but you'll want to stab yourself in the eye for it. I can never quite get over her teeth. She looks like Bugs Bunny. I know they've got dentists in America, because they did Brandon's veneers, right? Does anyone REALLY believe she's fucking Harry Styles? That kid's got more beards than a Father Christmas convention. It makes me sick the way magazines sexualise One Direction. THEY ARE CHILDREN. They might be barely legal but it's still fucking sick. The talking bit in this song makes me cringe, too. 'I was like, whatever.' Yeah, whatever, Taylor, stop sleeping around, who do you think you are, Rhianna? Of course, it's alright for Harry Styles, because he's a man, and he's gay anyway, so it's not really happening. Come back Jonas Brothers, all is forgiven. I do like the Breaking Bad parody of this song, though, and it makes me go 'ooh, Heisenberg' whenever I hear it, so it's not all nuclear war and famine.
Who the fuck are Stooshy? Stooshe?! Is that Emile Sande again, smuggling herself back in under false pretences. 'Daddy, I'm falling for a monster, he's scaring me to death, he's big and he's bad, he's the best I've ever had'. Please tell me I just hallucinated those lyrics. Fuck, I'm going to have to pause and go and get a vodka. Is this like a doo wop song about domestic violence? These lyrics are creepier than 'He hit me and it felt like a kiss'. Plus, why would you tell your parents 'he's the best I ever had'? TMI! Need to know basis! One just screeched at the end 'he got a dirty black heart'. There's probably an explicit version of this song. This is fucked in the head. Agog.
Next up, Tiny 'he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house' Tempah and Calvin 'boring' Harris. This is dance music for people too thick to work out how to find where any proper dance music resides online. 'Tonight we're drinking from the bottle!' Yeah, probably other people's. At least Tiny seems to have a sense of humour, what with those clothes and everything. Calvin (worst popstar name ever) just seems to have got lost on his way to accounts. What a knob twiddler. This song is making me SO GLAD I'm not going out tonight. People. Tubes. Music. Urgh. Just pass the valium and let's sleep through the lot of it.
Next up is Arlissa, or Shakira with no trousers on, if you prefer. I don't.
Oh fucking hell, it's Robbie Williams again. Thanks for making the last part of 2012 unbearable, you fat odious fuckface. He also ruined the first few seconds of the new Millennium for me, as the club I was in (Passion!) played a dance version of, you guessed it, Millennium. Motherfuckers. Oh well, his lyrics are always a good laugh. He looks jaundiced. Hopefully he's dying. I know it sounds harsh, but if it was him or Gary hanging off a cliff, you know who you'd save. You know!
What has he got in his hand? Is he conducting? Imagine being in Robbie Williams' backing band. You'd honestly be better off working in an abattoir, wouldn't you? It would be less morally abhorrent.
This song doesn't even have any funny lyrics, it's just blahblahblahblah. Go fish those bodies out of the Bodhi tree, you fucking tortoise.
Ah, finally. I like this Rita Ora song. I never used to admit I liked any pop music, this year I've actually confessed to a few guilty pleasures. My boyfriend likes Diamonds by Rhianna but only the 'shine bright like a diamond' backing bit. Rita's looking a bit more presentable tonight, but still a bit like she's wearing a 6-year-old's quilt cover. Rita. It's not exactly a rock and roll name, is it? Next up, it's Mavis with Deathsticks!
Next up are the Rizzle Kicks. I've got a bad feeling about this. I thought Rizzle Kicks was a person, like Dizzie Rascal. Oh Lord, there's a onesie, and a Burberry scarf. Mama do the hump? Fuck off.
And now James Arthur is back again, reanimated. Have they fixed his teeth yet? No, it's just the same performance they showed on Christmas Day. Oh, so he did finally get to number one. Knocked those poor dead children off the top spot did you, hey, Cowell? I hope you're pleased with yourself. Happy New Year, you bastard.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Top of the Pops Christmas 2012

Well here we are with Exitainment's inaugural Christmas TOTP blog and I hope Fearne and Reggie are going to give a full apology at the start of the show. No not for Jimmy Savile, but for the appalling music coming up.
Oh Christ, I hate it when they tell me what's next, it makes me despair. First up, Robbie Williams. My boyfriend insists this song is Ring of Roses. Oh, he even says it. This is entirely tuneless. This fat cunt can't sing a note. Has he been smoking crack? I'd rather watch Gary Barlow duet with Christopher Maloney again. My boyfriend said Gary co-wrote this as 'industrial sabotage'. The audience looks like a bad hen do, it's like they've made sure everyone's over 40 in case of any misunderstandings. I can safely say that's the worst Robbie Williams song ever released. It makes Rudebox sound like Everyday is like Sunday.
So, Call Me Maybe is rubbish except for the chorus. Did anyone order a female Justin Beiber? Take it back, then. The audience are too old to have heard of this song, but at least no one will get molested, except maybe Carly Rae thingybob.
Conor Maynard is like an uglier Justin Beiber, if that was possible. I don't know who this little prick is, but he's got a very punchable face. He looks like Toby Maguire pre-plastic surgery. This is completely TUNELESS. FUCK OFF. This has gone on about 5 minutes longer than it should have.
My boyfriend is shocked they've not changed the logo or renamed it TOTPv2 or something. They truly are shameless. Fearne: apologise immediately. On your knees. Reggie, keep your hands in your pockets.
Paloma Faith is just a walking car boot sale on legs. Why is she dragging Michael Hutchence's dead body out of the closet for Christmas? Let Peaches and Astile enjoy Christmas in peace. I didn't know Paloma thing even sang, I thought she just made a career out of getting on 'worst dressed' lists. That personality is completely put on, too. I've seen more authentic Ray-Bien sunglasses.
My boyfriend: 'Is Fearne pregnant?' No, she's just gobbled up a passing baby.
Sam and the Womp? Have I missed something? Has Bjork fallen on hard times? Ali G has turned up in his Jim'll fix it tracksuit, that's in poor taste. I have never heard this song before in my life. Hopefully I'll never hear it again. You have to respect a fringe that short, though. Please get that trumpet off my screen. Come back 2 Unlimited, all is forgiven.
Oh fuck, someone's reanimated Florence. She isn't dead? Why does she look like that, then? I'd rather be locked in a room and forced to listen to Enya for three weeks than listen to this bullshit. Where's the machine? Probably keeping an old lady alive over Christmas. Anyone who likes this kind of music will be first against the wall in my new world order. How old is Florence now? 26? In dog years, maybe.
Coldplay are being beamed in from a nuclear bunker. Apple's gone a bit mad with the magic markers. There's an elephant in the room: it ain't the only one! This song is shit. My boyfriend has just hid his head under a blanket.
Next up: Girls Aloud. Watch them not show Sarah Harding's face once cos its too busted. Kimberley is my favourite. This song is boring. The other one they've got out is better. There's a lot of ombré on that stage. 'I'm beautiful cos you love me'. You're dumped. What now? Girl power!
Has Rita Ora sorted out her fashion sense since X Factor? She's going 'huh!' like Jessie J. She's got foil pyjamas on. Also unflattering. Stick her in the oven. I like one of her songs. Not this one, though. Still, now we've got her, can we drown Jessie J?
What is 'rudimental feat John Newman'? What sort of music is this? He looks like some prick off Towie. He sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. Now someone in a Christmas jumper is playing a trumpet. Makes you pine for the lizard Queen's speech. There's a lot of people on that stage. All arseholes.
Reggie Yates: 'the power of love... ask your mum.' Patronising prick. You don't know when I was born! This is another song off a fucking advert. Why is there a guitar/bass-player there? The power of sludge. Fuck you po-faced snowmen and insipid girl. This is making me sleepy. My boyfriend's verdict: 'this makes me want to go in John Lewis and smash some shit up'.
Payphone! I think Payphone is my song of the year. I'm not even joking. Script dude and, not so much.
Has James Arthur had his teeth fixed? Nah, not yet. At least he's growing his hair out a bit now. I like this song! I think it's quite catchy.
I did enjoy The Killers Runaways song this year, too. I like Brandon when the vein in his neck is throbbing like he's just had words with Richard Dawkins. No sign of him here, though.
Argh, what is it with this Emily Sande agenda? Who are her fans? What sort of music is this? I feel oppressed by its averageness.
So James Arthur didnt even get Christmas number one? Haven't the people of Hillsborough suffered enough? Bland Aid. Ugh, what was the criteria for getting people to sing this song, Northern and a prick? And then pops up Fab Macca. Enough said. I'm pleased about the justice. No need to inflict this on us, too, though.
My mum's boyfriend has got some morphine patches. I think it might be time to slap on 17 of them. Merry Christmas.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

X Factor: The final - James Arthur wins

So here we are, friends. We've made it. The dragon has been slayed. Now both boys are really winners. We just have to see what awful single they're gonna inflict on them.
Nice to see Dame Gary Barlow has had a haircut and a shave tonight. Perhaps he'll crack a smile, too.
I don't wish it could be Christmas every day, imagine the hangover and the indigestion. This Christmas medley is going on about five minutes too long. Where's Christopher Maloney? Probably in rehab.
I don't think James Arthur's haircut is helping his new chubby face. Jahmene Jugless? I don't think they should do songs again we've already heard. Why can't James sing his own song?
Jahmene is doing Angels, so I'm quite concerned that the fat frog-faced fuckwit is going to come out and start shouting over it. Ah, he didn't. Phew.
I can't believe James Arthur is doing 'Let's get it on' again. He should have done the one with the wub wubs. This was his worst performance, in my opinion. It it involved none of his shouting or emotion, it's just sleazy and gross. Rubbish.
That was nice of Louis to say Nicole was the best mentor ever on the X Factor. Tulisa did a delayed clap. Gary said nothing. He's right though, she seemed to go that extra mile to take care of them and support them.
I'm glad they're acknowledging Cher Lloyd, they never mention her, and she's bigger in America than Cheryl now, and that makes me laugh heartily. I like her cheeky little ways.
One Direction make me feel physically sick, except the one I deem acceptable to fancy. Harry Styles is nothing but a dirty little slag, and adult magazines drooling over them are creepy. Every single one of their 'songs' sounds EXACTLY THE SAME.
I just did some investigative research on the Chris Maloney no-show and turns out he stormed off because he was only given one line in the medley. Imagine if this cunt had won it? What a bastard. I hope he disappears back down the drain, and fast.
Emily Sande is the dreariest person ever. Dull as fuck.
So Jahmene's winning single is going to be Let it be? FFS. Is it a different song for James Arthur? I really hope so. Let's hope Fab Macca doesn't come out. I can play Let it be in the keyboard. I can also play Oh, when the saints. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus than this bullshit. Why is Louis supporting Jahmene so hard? What about James?
I miss James Arthur's glasses! His song is better than Jahmene's. I recognise it but I don't know what it is. Was nice what Tulisa said to James. I love James's deadpan replies to everything. He's just so understated. I like people who don't play the game and are just surly on TV.
My boyfriend is so bored he's fallen asleep and I can't really blame him. I just set up a direct debit to Refuge, ironically when Rhianna was singing her dull song, quite flat. Oh now she's 'reimagining' We Found Love in a Hopeless Place. Oh, at least it kicked in at the end. Uh oh, she's making the crowd go 'ooh ooh'. I thought that went out of fashion in about 1989. I'm getting quite bored now.
Dermot: 'The results is in.' Is they? About time. And the winner is... 'Ja.......'
JAMES! Was so nice when him and Jahmene hugged for so long. There's genuine love between them. James was literally speechless.
Nicole looks kind of sad, I think she's sad for Jahmene. Anyway, I hope they don't fuck up James's career. I hope he gets to do his own songs. And he's got to give the proceeds of the song to charity? How's he going to get out of his bedsit at that rate? Jibbed!
That was nice when they all ran on and James was just cuddling Jahmene and didn't even notice Nicole run up. Loved Rylan hugging Nicole at the end.
A feel good ending, and one we could have had in about 30 minutes. Thanks for sending my boyfriend into a coma, Simon. Now I need to stun him awake somehow for Peep Show.
Congratulations, James. A worthy winner. Enjoy. 

Saturday, 8 December 2012

X Factor: The final

Manchester, so much to answer for. Well, that was a jolly little intro to the show. I watched a bit of  programme about N Dubz last night (entirely by accident, of course) and all their songs were about nicking people's handbags! That's not right, is it?
Eh heh - Rylan has arrived! That's how to get the party started. Union J are on scooters. Spraggan! I'm surprised they've let her back in. Urgh, the Afghan. I'd forgotten about her. If only Ella (or Union J) were in the final rather than Mr 'Thanks for your support, it's been amazing' zzzz.
Jahmene looks like a little midget next to James and Chris. I never realised he was a little hobbit. I don't think Chris can open his mouth without 'thank you for support' coming out. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian and her 'emotional/ phenomenal' double bill of inanity.
My boyfriend just demanded I that I don't vote for James Arthur as I'll ruin his career. But I can't sit back and let Chris win. Not on my watch.
Nicole looks nice in red. Not sure Tulisa's dress fits her. Gary needs a shave. She described Jahmene as a 'man child'. This is the best publicity Asda has ever had. Let's hope Jahmene doesn't end up with an 'Oops' sticker on him. Nicole has obviously never eaten Asda meat or she wouldn't be so excited.
Ugh, now he tells us he's religious. How depressing. Nicole: 'Pray and vote for Jahmene.' But mostly 'vote'.
Jahmene has rented out Big Ben for the night. It's a big old venue, isn't it? He looks like he's got one of Hugh Heffner's jackets on. Falsetto times. I think that song quite suited him, actually.
I'll be interested to see what single they've picked to suit these three. A gospel, wub-wub cruise-ship combo. More likely it will be something completely unsuitable like Cannonball for Little Mix last year.
'THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT. ME NAN. EXCITED.' Argh! Shutupshutupshutupshutup. Nice cake. Maloney cupcakes. Creepy. Bloody Liverpool, first The Beatles, now this.
'He's as good as Nat King Cole.' That's a bit of a strange comparison. Gary, don't pretend you're ever going back to Christopher's nan's house again to eat her Iceland cream cakes. 'No one's stopping you.' Chris: 'except James and Jahmene.' Ha.
Chris is in the ghetto (blaster). What's this dated old trot he's singing? I feel like I'm at a musical and I hate musicals. Why is Nicole smiling? This man is standing in the way of her boys. Yay, Harry Hill ending. Christopher is a fan of the Harry Hill ending, and the rubbish songs he sings lend themselves to them. Louis: 'you're not going back to Liverpool.' Does he know something we don't? No one actually commented on his performance, it was all just sympathetic flim-flam.
Where's Olly Murs? I read this week that in a One Direction magazine they described Caroline as 'grandma Caroline' and said she 'looked like a goat'. Harsh! I think she's brilliant and pretty. She has come dressed as a Victorian nanny tonight.
'Christopher's another Tom Jones.' Oh God, one was enough. He's definitely using the same shade of fake tan.
I like Kevin Bacon talking about Jedward and Hollyoaks. I think that's the only advert I've liked all year.
Are they going to let James sing one of his own songs... nooooo, of course they're not. James channelling Dorothy: 'there's no place like home.' James Arthur has a nan, too. Nicole's horror at a bedsit. Yes, that's how people live, Nicole, you patronising cow. Welcome to Britain. I've lived in a bedsit smaller than that. Is Nicole his backing dancer now?
James is walking on stage like he needs the loo. He's doing Nina Simone, the Muse version. He's got pyramids behind him, so the Illuminati are on side, at least. He's got his jacket on, but it does look cold in there. He does look a bit Phil Mitchell in it, though. I watched his first audition last week and he looked like he'd put on about three stone. I still fancy him, though.
Don't worry, Tulisa, they'll know James is British from the teeth. And they will run away, crying. But we'll have him back. We embrace the bad tooth. Not nice of Nicole to call him 'mahoosive.', lol.
What's this song Kelly Clarkson is singing? Doesn't she have a couple of catchy ones? Why do they always do their dreary new single? Is this country music? It's awful. I don't think they've showed her face once. Has she got a massive spot or something? It's like Brandon Flowers behind those blinds all over again.
Do you think Nicole will ever speak to Jahmene again after this? Or will it be like the Pussycat Dolls all over again, and she'll change her number?
Oh Christ, Jahmene's singing Whitney. Has Nicole's mic broken? She's professional, isn't she? She's fixing that situation seamlessly! She coached him through that well. She doesn't sound bad, actually. I thought it improved it, if anything. It was added drama.
She looks MAD now. Someone's head is going to roll! That's the real Nicole right there! Jahmene handled that situation well, too. The term 'mic runner' is never going to be truer than in this moment. It'll be like someone who's done a failed lie detector test exiting the Jeremy Kyle studios.
Aw, Chris giving Gary the frame for his OBE was cute. My boyfriend just said, 'One day Chris Maloney could be OBE.' Hmm.
Gary and Chris are singing Rule the World. Ella sang this one better! My boyfriend says Chris is singing better than Gary. I despise them both equally. Chris looks so happy, bless him, in his Butlins jacket. How is Gary playing piano with one hand?
OMG Gary's as short as Dermot, and I've seen Dermot in Waitrose on Holloway Road, and he was short.
Ugh, what is this dreary song James and Nicole are singing? Awful song choice. They look like they're sat on the loo. I preferred 'Rule the world'. Nicole still looks miffed, and is giving James a weird look. Is she short-circuiting?
I like Rita Ora, she looks cool (usually) and I like that VIP song. What's up with her legs? Has she got clown pants on? Probably the most unflattering trousers I've ever seen. MEDLEY. I reckon she's going to rip those trousers off. She's got a Virgin Mary tattoo, cool. This second song is rubbish. Her hair is a bit Hilary Clinton tonight, but I still find her interesting. She looks like she needs to put a bra on, too. I think her stylist hates her. No trouser rip off, either.
Is Kylie going to do her reimagined version of Locomotion? I certainly hope not. She looks good, I think that dress is giving her fake curves. I like her hair colour and her eyebrow doesn't look like it's stapled halfway up her forehead either. I wouldn't mind looking like that in my mid forties. LOL Dermot is barely taller than Kylie, the smallest person in pop.
Ooh I was really worried when Jahmene went through that it was the end of James. But they did it. Yay! Happy times. Chris was a good sport, too. It was nice seeing Nicole hugging Dermot. Her boys made it!
LOL to the cameraman hitting the deck there! There's been a few rewind moments tonight.
Jahmene is carrying James! He must have the strength of ten men. Must be lugging all those tins in Asda.
That was good! It didn't drag too much either and I watched it with the adverts. James FTW! Maloney has been defeated. We can all sleep at night again. See you tomorrow.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

X Factor: the results

I wish I could be as happy and in love as Tulisa; her miserable face is such a good advert for going out with some footballing philanderer. I certainly hope they live happily ever after so Tulisa's unbridled joy can continue to shine out of her like she's R-Pattz hanging around in a badly CGI-ed forest.
Just when you think things can't get shitter, out comes Rod Stewart with some Merry Christmas/ Happy New Year bullshit, and a lyric about getting 'a Kanye West CD' unless I misheard.
Tulisa's clips package shows she looks better blonde; except for for when she went straw yellow and forgot to put a toner on. Isn't Tulisa aways having a go at Union J for standing on boxes? She's so cold and unfriendly and the shit she writes in Twitter shows she's a complete imbecile, too. I don't think Simon Cowell should put us with her calling people out and starting fights, it's not appropriate for a judge who's essentially on a children's show. I just can't even stand to look at her anymore.
Her song is insipid. I hope the others give her some critique at the end and tell her it's a bag of shit. I will give her something, she CAN sing, but she sounds croaky. At least she cracked a smile at the end, she's actually giving Gary Barlow a run for her money in the sourpuss Olympics for the past two weeks. But what happened to her 'urban roots'? This crap just sound like sub-standard Taylor Swift. Dappy must be agog. 
Some good product placement in the adverts then; an advert for Tulisa's album, and then an advert with 'The power of love' on it. No wonder Frankie was ringing up James to give him his best wishes, he probably raked in a few grand over that.
Why is Simon Cowell always pushing these good causes on us in the middle of an entertainment show? He does exactly the same thing on X Factor US and it's excruciating.
Dermot, the word is DETERIORATE not DETERIATE. Sort yourself out. This is getting on my nerves. If I want to help a charity, I will, one of my choosing. I work for a charity. Simon could fund 50 charities with his millions. I just want to find out if James Arthur is going through or not. Get off my back with the emotional blackmail, already.
I like Pink, not her music, but her attitude. And she does have a few toe-tappers, you must admit.
This song's a bit dirgy, I preferred the one she did on Alan Carr recently. Is she pregnant? Looks like she's trying to cover something up in that dress. Her voice doesn't sound so good tonight. That guitar part was unnaceptable.
It's crunch time! We're down to the wire, etc. I'm sure it will be Union J who go, as much as I want it to be the Halloween pumpkin.
James and Christopher through. It's gotta be Union J to go. It is. Aw, that was so cute the way James and Jahmene hugged. I'm sad to see Union J go, especially with Christopher still there, ugh. I thought they went out very classy. I like the fact they're singing 'you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.' Say no to pronoun changing. One Direction never won it, anyway, and Union J are better than One Direction. They should have sung this song last night, it's better than both the songs they sang.
It seems so unfair they're gone and Christopher 'I'm so grateful for the support' 'I love me nan' is still there. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian on X Factor US for just repeating the same meaningless .
Who on earth is going to want to do a duet with him next week? Probably Gary Barlow will have to step in and do it. Bad luck, GBa. Still, at least James got through. And we only have to watch it for one more week.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

X Factor: Semi final

Someone ticked 'blah' for my last blog so I'd better up my game. BLAH was it! Blah? Well thanks for your thoughts, Christopher Maloney/ Christopher Maloney's nan. Thanks very much indeed. Dermot didn't even do his dance tonight!
Gary Barlow keeps introducing Christopher like he's a nuclear war. In other news, Christopher claims to be 34 and straight. Don't get me wrong, he did sing that song well, but it's just such a cheesy song. He was shaking like a leaf. So are the judges all being told to be nice to him in a change of strategy this week to stop him getting sympathy votes? Tulisa begrudgingly said he was good, like she was announcing a cancer diagnosis. Louis trying to shift some Westlife units. Give it up, FFS. That dog is dead. He's right though, Christopher would be good on stage... then I never have to see him again. The only judge I like is Nicole, and a year ago I never thought I'd say that. Tulisa is now so dour she's making James Arthur look charasmatic. 
How long before I miss Rylan? I miss him every second! I notice that pug-faced prick Kirk Norcross was slagging Rylan off this week. 'Karma' for Kirk would be being devoured by a pack of sexist dogs. Rylan has more charm, humour and heart in his eyebrow than Kirk has in his entire ancestry. 
Aw, sad about Jahmene's brother who killed himself because of his mum's abusive relationship. Those must have been some seriously hairy times. Come on Jahmene, start crying. He sounded a bit flat, but I think it's because he's emotional. I do feel very, very sad for what happened to him; and sad for every woman and child being terrorised at a man's hands right now. If you can support domestic violence charities, please do, because the Tories are taking away women's refuges with all the heartlessness of the empathy-chip missing lizard bastards they are. Was sweet when Nicole and Gary were crying and very genuine. Aw, that was heartbreaking when he said, 'I feel like I let go of something.' No child should ever have to go through that. And any woman who is staying with a man right now 'for the sake of the kids' - look at what it does. Just look.
Union J haven't even got a sob story. I don't know what this song is. I found that one of their most boring performances so far. They are very vulnerable this week, what with the Maloney juggernaught, Jahmene's genuine sob story, and James Arthur and his magical teeth. It could be a all boys final.
Why is James Arthur sneering backstage? Perhaps he's just had his new dentures put in. James loving his siblings isn't a very good sob story.
James is doing U2. I hope it's a medley and he's gonna bust out a bit of Lemon in the middle. I don't like what he's wearing either. I'm not sure what he's doing with this, it's like a gospel version but it sounds all over the place. 
Louis's comment: 'this time next year you're going to have three or four albums out.' They're not going to be very well-written, are they? Nicole is trying to steal Christopher's northern vote. Good tactics.
Nicole's first audition looked dreadful! I don't think Jahmene should do the song he sang at the first audition - it's cheating! I wish they'd let James Arthur sing his own song. Nicole's comments... 'dot dot dot... get out of here.' WTF? Can we get subtitles when she's on? I can't help liking her though; argh!
Christopher is doing a song from this millennium! Clocks everywhere... is it Chico time? (we wish) Clocked off. I wouldn't call Michael Buble 'modern'. He's not singing this very well, I think it only works when he's belting things out. My boyfriend thinks this is part of Gary's strategy to get sympathy again. He should have done Moves Like Jagger or Bruno Mars or some of that old trot that thickos like.
Westlife again! Fuck me. The last person I saw from Westlife was on This Morning and called Simon Cowell a 'music mongrel.' Fuck Westlife. Then I read another one of them saying Breaking Bad and Homeland 'weren't really girls programmes.' Go fuck yourself, twat. Also I know for a fact Westlife are dicks because they came into a place my friend worked and were drunk and abusive.
That song was too cheesy for Union J. Why didn't they do a Take That song, or some other modern song? That performance WAS too safe.
Nicole to Louis: 'you are a bomb diggity mentor.' Why is Dermot saying 'we all miss our families'. Where are his - have they been kidnapped?
James is doing The Power of Love. It needed to to kick off in the middle and it did. I think he should have done a rap in it, or brought out the wub wubs, because now he's in trub trubs. It was good, I just think it was a bit random. Gary said it was the performance of the series. I have liked at least six or seven of the others he's done better than that. But I want him to win so much. Vote for James! Let's make those gnashers big in America and give them a fright!

Sunday, 25 November 2012

X Factor results: Rylan styled out

What horrendous injustice will be served up tonight? I guarantee you Christopher 'orange' Maloney won't be in the bottom two. Those Northerners are mad fer (sh)it.
JACKETS! Coldplay. A winning combination. Jamie from Union J is a MUCH better singer than Jahmene.
Next up is Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. That's the only good song he's got, isn't it? And it's only good because it's so stupid. He seems to have taken the Madness route with this new single. Absolutely interminable. Is he miming? He's a funny little thing, isn't he, like someone who'd offer to help you in a computer game and then send you off in the wrong direction, rubbing his hands with glee. My advice; shank him before he gets the chance. Also, take your shades off, you little dick.
I think Tulisa's actually looked good the past two nights, maybe she sacked her stylist.
Is Rhianna singing a serious song? Can you really believe that she's really back with that revolting thug? I refuse to believe it, but I have seen her interviewed before and she's thick as pigshit, so it's possible. Shame that rain isn't going onto her *crackle*. She could have done so much for battered women; instead she did nada. She never condemned him, never helped a DV charity, she was just stubborn and pig-headed. And you can say I'm victim-blaming if you like, but her attitude has probably killed a few women ('well if she's forgiven him, maybe I should forgive the person terrorising me?'). Ooh, she is getting wet now. Anyway, I do think she's beautiful and I hope Chris Brown doesn't kill her. It's quite interesting her album is called 'unapologetic'; it should be called 'naive' or 'idiotic'. As for him, he is beneath contempt and the fact the music business has 'forgiven' him makes me feel physically sick and ashamed to be human. I can't even stand to look at his face, he is so vile. Let's not ever forget what he did, please. Let's never excuse it. I genuinely hope he dies alone, poor and crying.
James: 'Six months ago, I was sitting on my bed, strumming...' Ahem.
I'm so SICK of hearing Christopher saying THE SAME FUCKING THING... 'I just want to thank the public... I can't believe I've got this far... I've come such a long way... thanks for all the support...' STFU!
Liking Rylan's silver leggings. LOL to Tulisa not allowed on stage anymore. James is through, whoop. Louis' face when Christopher went through, haha.
Aw, Rylan vs Union J in the bottom two. I think Rylan's a goner. He's singing WIRES! I love Wires. YES he's singing it well! This is amazing! My boyfriend just said 'if Simon was there he'd put him through cos he loves Athlete.' I don't know why my boyfriend knows this information. OMG, he sang it really well. That was quite moving. Nice when he cuddled Gary. Aw, I was blubbing then. What a ninny I am.
LOL, Union J are doing Snow Patrol. It's a middle of the road indie-off. Louis's face is a picture. Jamie is really pulling out all the stops. Aw, I do like Union J. But I don't want Rylan to go.
I feel all emotional right now! Even Gary is admitting he loves Rylan. Oh, Tulisa did him in. So sad to see Rylan go. He went out on a real high, though. I so wish it was Christopher.
I really hope Rylan goes on Celebrity Big Brother. He's the new Jedward! Love him.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

X Factor: Where's Fernando?

What are the two musical styles you'd rather eat your own fist than listen to? That's right, it's Abba and Motown week! Talk about giving Christopher Maloney a free pass to the next round. Why can't we have 90s week, rock week, dance or pop week? Why has it always got to be these dated, duff themes? It's fucking idiocy.
It seems boring now there are only men left in the competition. I loved Rylan's amateur dramatics at Ella leaving. He's dra-ma, as Nicole would say. 
I like Rylan's throne and the Alice in Wonderland set. I genuinely believe he's improved a lot since the beginning. Louis is right, Rylan is the people's champion, unlike Christopher who still gets boos at the mere mention of his name. Rylan keeping it classy with the comment about Gary's OBE, unlike Gary slagging of Rylan at his 'gig' this week, if that's what you call it.
I love the gay one in Union J. I think the other dark haired one is quite nice looking, too. My boyfriend's comment: 'There's four of them, one is gay and can sing - is it the new Queen?' They are singing my favourite Abba song, and the only Abba song I like. I'm not particularly liking their version. It's lacking the drama of the original - I think they made it a bit too frothy. I actually think Union J would be better without that George they shoehorned in, I think. He looks like a puppet Harry Styles.
Jahmene is still rolling out his sob story. It is horrendous what happened to him. Life's hard, innit? 'I had a dream'... I nodded off, more like. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Stop going on about your mum, you little lick-spittle. We all know how close Jimmy Savile was to his mother and how that ended up.
Ella, Ella, Ella... yeah we get the message. She gone now. Move on.
I thought James did the best he could with that rubbish song. They should have added some wub wubs. His voice sounds strong this week. I really hope he wins it. Angst and Abba. I've agreed with all of Louis's comments tonight. Gary: 'I'm your biggest fan.' What about Christopher Maloney? I wish they'd let James sing one of his own songs this week. I think I might ring up for James tonight. I just did - he doesn't sound quite as chirpy as when you ring up for Rylan.
Gary's introduction for Christopher Maloney was nice: 'brace yourselves.' Indeed. I don't think I've ever seen a judge so publically hate their own act. I can't stand Christopher's personality either, and how rude to say 'if people liked her, they should have voted for her.' Arsehole.
They've hidden him this week behind a bunch of half naked people. I just shouted 'FUCK OFF' very loudly at my screen. It's lucky the cat isn't near by or I'd probably have kicked it (OK, I wouldn't).
Louis giggling at the naked people was hilarious. 'Where's Fernando?' I don't think Louis has taken his meds tonight. Sir Gary apologising for the other judge's comments; who does he think he is? Just give the wrong number out so we can finally get rid of this cunt (Chris, not Gary, although...).
I like 'I'll be there' and I thought Union J sang it better than they did the first song. I do hope they become successful, I like them better than One Direction. Louis is making me laugh tonight.
Nicole just looked in the wrong camera and introduced James Arthur before Rylan came on. Oops! What is Rylan wearing? He's dressed like Mr Blobby. He didn't sing as well as in his first performance, but I still like the way he commands the stage. I love the way he talks to the judges, calling 'T' and Gary 'G' - it's so over-familiar, but lovely. Imagine if they'd pushed James Arthur out on the stage in that yellow suit and with those flashing lights, then we'd see what he was made of.
Jahmene's mum is definitely too old for bunches. I'd say 40 is the cut off point, but that's only because I like to wear bunches sometimes.
I wouldn't like to be 'wooed' by Let's Get It On. Is James wearing Gary Barlow's suit? I think he's got Dermot's shoes on, too. I hate this song. This is so cheesy. It's not the right fit for him. He smiled at the end of it, that's a rare sight. Louis is getting a bit over-excited. I think Nicole wants to look up 'you murdered it' in the English Dictionary, as that's not a compliment over here.
I actually like this song Jahmene is singing, argh! Nice to have your name up in lights like that, isn't it? LOL to Tulisa telling Louis to 'give it a rest'. I think he's drunk.
I like Gary's next introduction for Christopher: 'get out of your seats for Christopher Maloney.' Yeah, time for a tea break. He's got his jacket on again - good, perhaps he'll leave soon. There's overstaying your welcome and there's Christopher.
Nicole's cornflake analogy was a bit tenuous. She said 'I don't see much soul' and my boyfriend said, 'I do, an arsehole.' And there endeth my blog.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

X Factor results: an Imbruglia-sized mistake

The two 'guests' on tonight: I hate Alicia Keys so much I'd rather be trapped in a prison cell with that one Olly Murs song about the crab on a loop for a week than go to 30 minutes of her of her tedious gig. Fuck her and her piano, I just find her pretentious, humourless, and I particularly hate that phone thing she does with her hand. Just: no. 
Ella has got her hair up in that gross bun again. She's such a cute little thing, but they get her styling right once in ten times.
I thought Rylan sang well in the group song. I just gave him my vote. Take that, Barlow, etc.
So the gay one in Union J has come out, shocker. I've not been less shocked since Will Young came out. At least this guy did it whilst the competition was still on. Good for him.
I think there could be a big shock tonight and James or Ella could be in the bottom two, as I thought they were both patchy last night.
They're were taking the piss out Christopher with the laser beam eyes, weren't they? I do feel a bit sorry for him. But I still want him to go.
Gary's Evil Knievil joke goes over a thousand young heads - keep your references relevant, Granddad.
Who are these cunts buying Olly Murs's 'music'? The only interesting thing about Olly Murs is that he's been on Deal or No Deal twice, making him the only non oho (only here once). He's not even a good singer. I will give him something, though; I think he does a good job presenting Xtra Factor with Caroline Flack. I think she's brilliant; but he bounces off her well. Do you remember when Connie Huq was doing it *cringes and throws up simultaneously*. I think Caroline Flack is one of the most natural female TV presenters around right now. She just seems really down to earth and like you'd have a good time if you hung out with her. She makes Fearne Cotton and Holly-thingy look like boring old gits.
I'm so sick of Christopher thanking 'the public' for their support. Yeah the drunk/ elderly or sadistic public. THANKS A BUNCH. He's doing it for his nan, so it's all her fault.
Thank fuck I had a nap earlier and started watching the show 10 minutes late, which allowed me to  forward through Alica Keys, who appears to have turned white. There were so many stupid props on the stage that I can only assume the song was utterly dire.
'Good luck to everyone' means 'Good luck to no one' so you might as well not waste your breath, Dermot.
YES! Rylan is through. My vote did count. LOL. He's got to sack his psychic now. 
It's between James, Ella and Christopher. OMG. I was right, I predicted this right at the start - James and Ella in the bottom 2. Bad song choices, I'm telling you! This is a super cock up. I feel sorry for them because they should both be in the final. This is wrong.
Ella should go just for singing Beddingfield. Aw, she looks really sad. She has got one big mouth, bless her. Tulisa's face says she's already gone.
Aw, so cute when James kissed her as they crossed paths. 'This is James f-ing Arthur.' Oh Christ, he's singing Alicia Keys. Too much Alicia for one show! One second is too much. He should have put his glasses on for old times sake. Can you imagine if he went over to America with those teeth? They'd think there was something wrong with him, like he was simple or something. I love the fact he's not had them done. I thought he outdid her in that song. I hope she goes, but it's still wrong.
I love Tulisa's bile! At last she shows her teeth. Telling the public they're fucking wrong, yeah, eat that, public, you fucking morons. Don't you know how to use a sodding phone?
OH NO. Louis sent James home. Oh no. Bad feeling in my stomach. DEADLOCK.
Oh, thank God James got through. I'm sure that Ella will still do well, I think she should sing her own songs, get away from X Factor and become a credible artist and do her own hair and styling. She could still be massive. Who's successful after X Factor has diddly squat to do with who wins, anyway. I think it's just who gets the best manager.
No WOMEN left in the competition. I love you, Britain, you sexist fuckwits. And remember, kids, don't blame Rylan for this shitstorm; blame Christopher!   

X Factor: Guilty Pleasures and even their babies

That's a proper recap of last week's events! It's like something out of 24. So it's guilty pleasures week - at last Christopher will be in his element. Are we every going to see the back if his enormous orange moon-face?
I liked Dermot's Hammer Time intro. We also like it when he says 'your Saturday night starts here' as it feels like a FACT, even if you've started watching it two hours late like me. My night is just beginning! Dermot says so. There's a takeaway on the way, too.
If I was singing on 'Guilty Pleasures' week I think I'd do Abba, The Winner Takes it All. Or Like a Prayer by Madonna.
Isn't it cute how Union J's names all start with G or J? Hopefully they'll get more votes now those dress-up rapists have gone. Talking of sexism, I also don't like a pre-pubescent boy use phrases such as 'screaming like a girl.'
As much as I'm loathe to admit it, 'Call me maybe' is SO fucking catchy. 'Before you came into my life I missed you so bad' as lyrics are almost Morrissey-esque. I don't like their suits, they look like they're going for a job interview at a bank.  My boyfriend said this was their 'en vogue' moment. Not sure I was feeling it myself. The cute/gay one in their band is so head and shoulders above the others in terms of vocal ability it's becoming embarrassing. It was a lazy production moves-wise, I think, Nicole was right.
I thought Ella's performance was dire. You can't reimagine 'You are one that you want'. My boyfriend said she can sing this at John Travolta's funeral. The Scientologists will have her lynched. No want wants an Angkor Wat version of a song off Grease. Did Gary really just say that was her best performance ever? Been on the wine again, Baz? I hate 99% of all slowed-down versions of songs, primarily because you can't sing along to them.
How can James Arthur top the wub wubs? I thought this was his duffest performance of all. He should have done a rap. Tulisa felt like she was 'down Camden with the cool kids.' Have you been down Camden lately? It's a dump. LOL to GB saying he wants James to win over Christopher there. Nice! Loyalty fail.
I want someone to 'reimagine' the Birdie Song or Snooker Loopy. LOL to Ed Balls tweeting Tulisa to tell her what's what about Call Me Maybe. Yeah eat that, Tulisa. Call Me Maybe rocks.
I have loved Rylan ever since he told the story of a fox mugging him for his wallet on the Xtra Factor and I will love him for 1,000 years more. What is Rylan going to do for guilty pleasures? Every week it's a guilty pleasure.
Rylan looks great! I like his flashing trousers. He seems vaguely in tune. Rylan always does a medley! I thought that was his best performance yet. He does own that stage and his singing was good. He murdered the Spice Girls last week, he was much better this week, what is Tulisa on?
Gary Barlow's comments are JUST PLAIN WRONG. Rylan has improved over time. I liked Rylan's comeback about wanting to mime. Not that he wants to sing better, just that he wants to be able to be autotuned and miming asap. It's genius.
Rylan's quip about Gary being fat was just brilliant. He's got comic timing you just can't learn. You got zinged, Gary! Hilarious, and then he tried to run away on the treadmill, it's almost Frank Spencer-like. Rylan was born to be a star, I'd kill to see him in Celeb BB this year. I'd just love to be his mate, really.
Christopher Maloney, we are getting a little bit tired of hearing your voice. I do like this song. Is that a giant him with laser beams coming out of his eyes behind him? Fucking hell, one looming orange face was enough! He's actually doing this quite well, but enough alreadyz.
I do feel a bit guilty about the mean things I've said about Jahmene, as I heard his brother committed suicide, so I think that abuse by their dad must have been pretty hardcore. This still doesn't make him a popstar. Jahmene is doing a dreary slowed down version of Don't leave me this way. No, really, do. Louis: 'you have got it all'. Except a personality. Tulisa's comments were nice to him. He does need his confidence building. Hard to get that back when it's been beaten out of you.
So basically Rylan was the best act tonight by about 300 miles. Get your baby out, give it your mobile and vote. Fuck the cancer risk.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

X Factor: Christoph-uck off, please.

Soz for the no show last night; like Father Christmas, I leave the house once a year. James and Ella were clearly the best, but I enjoyed Rylan murdering the Spice Girls. I think one member of Union J is a badass; the others can all sod off, especially the little ventriloquist's dummy who 'plays' guitar. One Direction and all who sail in them are beyond creepy, do they have any songs about not controlling fat girls?
OMG what's with the U2 Beautiful Day singalong? They should have sung Lemon instead.
I like Ella and her normal figure, and James and his bad teeth. I'm soooo tired of Jahmene. 'I'm singing for my mum' he opined on Xtra Factor. Why don't you stay at home and sing for her and save all the rest of us the drudgery, then? I find him as exciting as a dishcloth. If he beats either James or Ella, it will be a travesty. I thought he killed Angels, and I hate Angels, anyway. But at least Robbie can sing it.
As for Christopher, the desperation to get rid of him is clearly turning into the biggest pity vote since Rylan. District3 doing Eric Clapton was dire. Ella made me cry and James brought the wub wub.
Next up, it's my little muffins, Little Mix! I haven't heard them sing anything since the horrendously inappropriate Cannonball, so it will be interesting to see what they do here. This sounds like that Katy Perry song ET. I generally like songs that have stuttering in, not sure this is my bag, though. Lion hair is virtually unrecognisable. They all look a bit cross and frowny. I wonder if they speak to Tulisa anymore?
It's lucky my boyfriend's not here as he won't allow Ed Sheeran on the TV. It's indie music for people who've never heard indie music, isn't it? Do people actually fancy him? He looks like a hobbit. I'm a fan of gingers but he gives ginger a bad name. He's so boring he makes James Morrison look wacky. Look at what he's wearing! You're on TV, hobbit! Fix up, look sharp. I'd rather drink bleach than listen to his dreary album. It's like he's taken something people genuinely like and extracted all the good parts out of it and served it up morosely in a hoodie, wearing a wooden necklace. What is this, 2001? Fuck off Frodo, Gollam wants his ring back. SIX singles off his album??? Money-grabbing gimp. And Morrissey can't even get a record deal. Britain: you disgust me.
James through first. Whoop: Rylan's through next, sweet! He's gone back to black but I'll forgive him. I love his and James Arthur's friendship. All Nicole's boys through, including Asda-nerd. Interesting way to announce it. Ooh, will it be Christopher or the boybands in the bottom 2?
Ooh, harsh time to have a break, Dermy, you little sod! How many breaks can they cram into one hour-long show?
LOL Chistopher is through so Louis has to eat one of his babies. It better be District Blee. Union J are way better. Louis is looking grim-faced. Looks like Christopher might be getting all those zillions of votes after all. HOW?
There's not even an attractive one in District 3, they all like they could be scampering round Middle Earth as Ed Sheeran's little henchmen. I find them quite cheesy. I suppose it's good drama to have to kill off one of the boybands, though. I sense another one of Louis' meltdown's coming on.
Neither boyband can be THAT popular, anyway, if they keep getting beat by the squarest shelf-stacker in England and someone who can't sing a note.
Put Union J though! They're cuter. They have better clothes. They seem more passionate. I think they want it more. Aw, it's cute when they all hug at the end. This better go my way or I'm gonna be pissed.
It's weird they're getting Louis to vote first. He's refusing to vote! Go, Louis. Gary has voted to send District3 home. Good. Yes, Nicole did, too. It's conclusive. Hopefully Union J will rack up a few more votes now the vote is split, and the singing pumpkin will finally be binned next week. Tulisa: 'District3 were R&B'. Er, no they weren't.
I was going to give 'I'm a Celebrity' a go and write a first blog about it, but honestly, I can't stomach it. I can never keep up watching a whole series of it, and I'm always baffled how it does so much better than Big Brother with it's mixture of human and animal cruelty. I think it's just a tired format like The Apprentice. Big Brother never gets old for me. Yeah there have been magic moments on 'Celeb' (Burrell, Gaffney) but it's not enough. I'm out. Xtra Factor it is.
(PS: I reserve the right to watch one episode and change my mind at some point. But it's unlikely, my planner is on 0%. I've already had to delete about 40 Deal or No Deals.)

Sunday, 4 November 2012

X Factor results: Kye bye

Evening! Well I enjoyed the X Factor judges on Alan Carr (minus Louis) more than I did last night's show. And in X Factor US they kicked out two of my favourites in one night, so I think I'm going to ditch that because children and cowboys don't really appeal to me. Also, there's too much screaming on it, you can't hear a bloody thing. Oh, and the hosts are insufferable. Come back Steve Jones, all is forgiven.
My boyfriend has taken to calling James Arthur 'Lurch' which I think is a bit harsh. I wouldn't mind him lurching at me down a dark alley, flappy hand and all.
My boyfriend just claimed 'Ella can't sing for shit.' That's a bit cruel. Firework is a hard song to sing, even Katy Perry can't sing it. She's probably the second best singer there.
Can we finally ditch the singing orange tonight, please? I don't care if grannies love it. That's purely speculation anyway. It's probably just Gary's wife ringing up 20,000 times from their Northamptonshire mansion.
I liked Rita Ora when she was guest judge but her song is ropey. She looks good, though.
Gwen Stefani: 'do you think I'm looking hot, are you looking at my rack?' More your stomach, if anything. 'Ow, ow, ow.' Did she stub her toe? Gwen Stefani might make a good X Factor judge. Shirley Manson would be better. Courtney Love would be better still, but she'd be sacked within a week. But oh, what a week.
Rylan should either dye his beard blonde or ditch the beard. The two-tone looks odd. I think he should embrace his natural ginger, personally.
OMG Christopher is through again! You've got to be kidding me. The audience were actually booing. WHO IS VOTING FOR HIM? Oh, I forgot, Gary's wife.
Shit, Kye and Rylan in the bottom two. I think Rylan's time might be up. Ooh what was the coarse language! I want to know. Bet it was Tulisa.
Nicole introduced her act by the power of mime. Eh heh, Rylan's going serious. He's doing the fish tank song from Romeo and Juliet. Aw, this is quite moving. He DOES sing better when he's not dancing! Go, Rylan! He's not hit a bum note yet. He looks really happy, too. Wow! That might have just saved him.
Kye's doing a dreary song. He looks like he's got leggings on and he's wearing a little girl's bow round his neck. He is singing it quite well, but he's so boring. Rylan FTW. So cute seeing Rylan and Dermot cuddling whilst Rylan sings. I think Kye is over-egging wandering behind the judges now. Rylan is the fan favourite. Is Gary going to stomp off again if things don't go his way?
Gary 'I'm sure that everyone at home agrees' - don't speak for me, you fucking prick! How dare he say that! Don't tell us what everyone thinks. Grr, I hate it when people say that, like when people say 'Every girl wants to get married' or 'everyone wants to be famous'. Piss off.
YES, Tulisa sent it to deadlock and Rylan was saved. Show Gary's face! So apparently 'everyone at home' DOESN'T agree with Gary after all. Funny that. Presumptuous prat.
Gary: 'when you have an act like Rylan good singers will go home every week.' What is that even supposed to mean? An act people enjoy, an act people like watching rather than dreary Kye and Christopher, or an act at least two of the judges AND the public are saving? What a twonk. Hopefully Rylan will win and Gary will quit. And then Simon will come back. And then something else. Shit, Downton Abbey has got a cricket match coming up. Pass the smelling salts. And the remote.

Saturday, 3 November 2012

X Factor: Number ones

I'm doped up on codeine due to my rickety back so if I say something offensive, blame the druggles. I am innocent!
So Lucy Spraggan has left the competition due to 'illness' - pig sick at the thought of what song they were going to make her cover next, I suspect. I think it's a shame for her fans and a bit of a kick in the teeth for them. It's weird when people are given an opportunity on a plate and hand it back; but then I guess the reality of fame - or what you thought you wanted - sometimes doesn't match up.
Bit tacky for Nicole to be bragging about having three acts when Lucy has left under a cloud.
Rylan: 'Essex is like the Hollywood of England.' Yeah, like Blackpool is the Las Vegas. Not good that he's up first, they must be sick of him. Rylan actually sounded in tune at the start. Maybe he just can't sing and dance at the same time. Even Gary's doing a little smile. I think he's doing quite a good job this week, it's a bit less OTT than usual. He's got his Brandon Flowers feathers on, too. Gary (the prophet of doom) going 'this might be your last week.' Keep peddling it, Gary, and people keep picking up the phones which is probably all a ploy anyway. I love Rylan calling Gary 'Gal' and 'G'. I even enjoyed Nicole's rehearsed 'shut up.' LOL to Dermot telling us not to smash through our glass windows at home, I was just about to.
Aw one of Union J is pretending playing the guitar, bless. This song is a bit lacklustre. I think this is one of the worse performances they've done. I do like the one on the right though, he can really sing. They're all done up like little Gary Barlows. Gary: 'you could work on your blending a little bit more.' Eh? How does one work on that?
Kye oh Kye, feels like there's a lot of deadwood now. Hahaha, he's doing 'You only get what you give'. 'Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions.' OK, we will. I bet dude from the New Radicals doesn't have a mansion, probably more like a cardboard box. LOL I can't believe he sang the Courtney Love bit, I thought they'd cut it, or at least update it. That song was pathetic when it came out, and it's just tragic to hear it right now.  Don't dig up dead donkeys.
Kye's hair isn't doing much for him, I think he should keep his fringe covering his massive forehead. Strangely on X Factor US they have given EVERYONE fringes, even Britney and Demi. I thought it was fringe week when I watched it yesterday. That show is duff though, the contestants aren't as good as ours - the teen category is unbearable.
James Arthur looks like he's put on a stone since his first audition. How does Gwen Stefani look exactly the same as she did 20 years ago? I mean, obviously it's surgery, but she's got a good plastic surgeon.
James Arthur is better than this song. Is it 90s week? He's got his coat on again, I liked the person on Twitter last week who said 'he won't feel the benefit when he goes outside.' I thought his rap was pretty naff but I liked the way he pronounced 'love'. I notice he's holding his mic in the wrong hand this week, maybe it's to control the flappy hand. What is this 'album track' nonsense Tulisa is on about? Albums, lol. Grandma.
I thought Ella was good this week, and she actually looked nice for once, rather than the usual way they do her up. Firework is really hard to sing. And always reminds me of Beavis and Butthead. 'You like this song, don't you?' 'No.' 'You're not a firework, you're the plastic bag drifting down the street.' 'No, no, I AM a firework!'
The blonde one in District3 has a particularly annoying face. That song was annoying, but I don't understand why this band are still in anyway. Tulisa: 'you overstepped the cheese mark.' Where does the cheese mark begin and start? And with which cheese? I didn't think it was as bad as Tulisa and Nicole are making out, though.
Jahmene is taking Nicole to the Asda freezer department. Nicole pretending to enjoy scanning items was patronising - try doing it for the next 50 years. Did Jahmene just say 'YO-gurt' instead of 'YOG-urt.' What a knob. If he was in the Big Brother house, he'd be a champion fencesitter. I just fast-forwarded through Jahmene as he's so boring. I can't stand Beyonce, and I can't stand Jahmene. Get to fuck. That 'Jah-mazing' thing is getting tired, too. If Jahmene wins, then it will be a victory for sheep everywhere.
Christopher Malone: 'maybe the other judges see me as a threat' and 'I'm the public choice' - oh, shut up. This cunt's got his coat on as well. Is he doing Celine Dion? FFS. Pass the gun. Aw, he's doing a little 'gran vote' blub. Urgh.
Didn't feel there was much to get my teeth into this week. Time for my tablets.

Monday, 29 October 2012

My guilty pleasure – Jack’s Mannequin

A cursory glance at my LastFM and you might think I’m a miserable sod – Morrissey, Bright Eyes, Placebo, Hole – but generally I don’t think you’d call me embarrassing. Yet one name crops up in 7th place on my ‘most listened to’ chart, sandwiched in between the serious singer/songwritery talents of Patrick Wolf and Emmy the Great – and it’s Jack’s Mannequin.
Where do we start? It’s probably one of the most embarrassing band names in history; off the top of my head, I can’t think of a worse one, can you? I used to actively delete the songs from my history, I was so embarrassed, but now I’m out of the closet and proud. Jack’s Mannequin have given me so much silly, brainless singalong fun. Just don’t ask me to say the words ‘Jack’s Mannequin’ aloud.  
So who are Jack’s Mannequin, and how did I get into them? LastFM is guilty again, as I was listening to the ‘similar to Bright Eyes’ radio, and up came ‘Last Straw’ by… well, you guessed it. It has some of the stupidest lyrics in history, for example, ‘I heard that you went out last night, and you looked beautiful just like a bat beneath the moonlight/ I stayed home and took a Vicodin… sometimes it's all that I can do when I think about the president. How did he become the president?’ Yet it is also the catchiest song I’ve ever heard. Further investigation into Jack’s work (OK, he’s not really called Jack) saw a recurring theme: he’s OBSESSED with jumpers. In Last Straw he laments: ‘And you never write me letters and you never sent my sweaters, so I could stay warm when I was without you’. For some reason this made me laugh, someone moaning about a jumper in a song, it’s almost Morrissey-esque. But it doesn’t end there. In ‘Holiday from Real’ he’s also going on about his winter clothes: ‘Hey Madeline, you sure look fine, you wore my favourite sweater, being poor was never better’. Is it the same sweater? Who knows if he even got it back from last time? We need to know! 
In case you thought this was the end of the knitwear-based madness, in the song ‘In Slow Motion’ the sweater makes another appearance, in another of my favourite bits of verse from him: ‘My life in Techinicolor, can you check the shutters, someone get my mother on the phone – she oughta know what i'm up to. Out here in Hollywood you don't need a sweater cause the sun feels better… in slow motion.’ So after all this moaning about his sweater, suddenly he doesn’t even need it anymore! I love the idea of him calling his mother to tell her what he’s up to, ‘Yeah, hi Mom, can you send me a sweater? No, not that one.’ ‘What you up to, son?’ ‘Just building a rock and roll career around moaning about jumpers.’ ‘Sweet’.
Yet despite lyrics that make me both cringe and laugh every time I hear them (or maybe because of?) I almost NEVER skip a Jack’s Mannequin song on my iPod, hence him coming in top seven. I just can’t stop myself listening.
So who is Jack’s Mannequin? Well, he’s some dude who was in some 90s band called Something Corporate. I think their biggest hit was ‘Punk Rock Princess’ which I vaguely remember from back in the day, and Jack’s Mannequin is his more ‘serious’ side (lol). I have tried to listen to Something Corporate and it’s a bit like Blink 182, but there are two or three catchy ones. I think Jack’s Mannequin is enough embarrassment, to be honest, let’s not start getting into Panic at the Disco or something.
Also, I think he survived cancer, and he plays a piano, so it’s all a serious business. I can’t even remember what his name is. Andrew? I mean, who cares? He’s not going to be one of my idols. He’s more like some comfy trash TV: if Bright Eyes is Breaking Bad, Jack’s Mannequin is America’s Next Top Model. Both have their place. 
I also like the way all the songs are set in California and are about going to the beach, smoking drugs, calling his mum (again), whining down the phone to an ex, and it being a bit hot. It’s kind of like a rom-com set to music, but a good one. He even does a talky rap bit in one song, moaning about having to wash his t-shirt: ‘I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday. When did society decide that we had to change and wash a t-shirt after every individual use, if it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.’ He’s not going to get a Daz commercial with that attitude, is he?
So my favourite of his recent lyrics is from his new album, in a song called ’Out of it’ (you can probably guess what that’s about). Lyrics are as follows: ‘So we pull up in the garage, the clicker's fucking broken. I say we drive 'til dawn, then push the car into the ocean.’ I love it! Tell me that’s not a rational response to the ‘clicker’ being broken. Don’t park on the pavement, or in the garden, drive the car right into the fucking ocean. AMAZING. It makes me beam with joy every time I hear it. I want to live in this world. I want to be Miss California and have him 'soak my hair in beach.' In that song he claims, not at all sinisterly, 'When they can't find you I'm sure I'll be the one they blame, but they can't prove anything.'
Anyway, even my boyfriend admits the songs are hopelessly catchy. I defy you not to listen to one of his albums and be singing along within a week. I would actually really love to go and see them play live, as I'm sure it would be a real feel-good experience... I just don't think I could find anyone to go with me! 
Look, I’m not saying you have to get into it. I’m just saying, I’m into it. And that’s that. And I’m NOT ASHAMED ANYMORE. I’m out! 

Sunday, 28 October 2012

X Factor: Union Jaded

'Tonight, one act will be going home. FACT.' Who would you name as 'Britain's finest global superstar?' Apparently it's Robbie Williams. Does the globe know? He's not had a hit in a decade, FFS, and even when he did, his songs were interminable, lightweight bits of unlistenable shit. Global superstar, my arse. Global supercunt, more like. Bodies in the Bodhi tree! Shame it wasn't his.
Rylan sang his line in this opening song better than one quarter of Union J did. WTF is this song? You can see why some people hate music, can't you? Perhaps Phil Mitchell had a point after all. This song has got a lot of 'youuuuuuuuuu' in it, bring in Brian Molko, do it justice.
My friend made a good point yesterday that 'straight' Jahmene changed the pronoun in his song, but lesbian Jade had to sing a pervy song about a man and not change the pronoun. Boo. Double standards.
I don't know about this Fun band. I've heard of them but never heard them play, so let's see. Oh shit, it's like The Feeling or something, right? No fun! Aren't they a bit... 'instrumenty' for the X Factor? Are they foreign? Oh, is it like Mumford and Sons? He's got the braces. It's indie for people who don't like indie, isn't it? Luckily I was a bit behind so go to forward through half of that. I win!
Dermot introduced Robbie Williams as a 'loveable cheeky chappie.' I love him like I love catching gonorrhea. OMG is he wearing a purple rollneck? He looks fat as fuck. This song is worse than I could have ever imagined. 'Ring a ring a roses'?! This is fucking embarrassing. Lapdancing Louis isn't going to help. Liam Gallagher must be sitting at home with All Saint #3 giggling like Spongebob. Rylan is better than this load of balls. Unbearable.
HA, Gary Barlow helped 'co-write' that song. He must hate Robbie even more than he lets on. Has Robbie got a girdle on? Ugh, just get off my screen, you fucking mess. Go and eat your way through your hard-earned millions overseas, out of my line of vision.
Yes, Rylan is through, AGAIN! OMG, Christopher got more votes than Jade and Union J. He's harder to get rid of than herpes (I'll try and squeeze a third STD into my blog before the end if poss). I'm amazed District3 got more votes than Union J, Union J are far superior.
Who IS voting for Christopher? Even Gary seemed surprised. I reckon Union J are quite shocked to be in the bottom 2. Mind you, I'M shocked they're in the bottom two. I like this song they're singing. Is it Pink? Someone did it on The Voice once and it was brill. They seem a bit half hearted and broken. They look like they're going to cry. Dermot looks like he's going to cry. I like the way the other one in the bottom two stands grimly hugging Dermot. Aw, they're all crying. Aw, look at Louis's little face. I do hope they stay, but it's a shame for Jade, bless her.
Jade is singing Dido. Two members of Union J are having an emotional breakdown in the background. I'm finding her voice a little reedy tonight. It's a shame, neither deserve to be in the bottom. I like Jade's make-up, she looks good. See; it's always when they give them these pastel rinses they fuck up; look at what happened to Amelia Lily.
Ah, we didn't even get deadlock; Jade's a goner. Shame, she didn't deserve it. Why is she in those awful dungarees? She looks like she's about to paint the house. Oh well, at least she can go do the school run again now. I will miss watching her. Especially when I have to look at Mr Pumpkin head for another week. LOL Dermot mentioned the school run! I'm glad I'm never having children, so I can never just be defined by just one part of me. Women can do two things at once! On a good day, even three. Good night! PS: crabs.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

X Factor: Fright night

What was she for Halloween? The ugliest girl you've ever seen. Someday she will die alone. So says Courtney Love, and who are we to argue?
OMFG. What has Nicole come as? She looks like a Yeti. I think I preferred her prostitute/dominatrix look that was on the Daily Mail website earlier this week.Gary didn't look too impressed when Nicole waved her arse in his face. Mind you, not much impresses Gary. He's worse than Shania Twain or Sheryl Crow or whoever sings that shit. I think Louis should have come in full Count Dracula regalia with blood dripping from his gob. It would suit him.
Lucy's not well and can't sing? It's not like she really SINGS anyway. That is a shame though, as I do like seeing what she does each week.
Kye's up first, singing Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. LOL, Gary was jealous when this song came out. Tragic. Imagine how low you'd have to be to be jealous of that frog-faced talentless fuck Robbie Williams. I'd rather be fat Gary Barlow, on my uppers and smoking a spliff than that rubbery egotistical bag of shit. I hate Robbie Williams more than anyone on the planet, and that includes Chris Brown.
Robbie looks washed up, but then he's looked washed up for about 15 years now. Anyway, what's Let me entertain you got to do with Halloween, apart from Robbie having the face of a fright mask? I think Kye might have slashed rubber trousers on. He kind of did a Harry Hill ending but not quite. He's definitely got his Kyeliner on tonight. 'Louis' little hand tapping away' is not an image any of us want in our heads.
Are you buying all these girls screaming for Union J-cloth? Me neither. Union J have come over a bit R-Pattz... wooden and chalky white. Another song I've never heard. This is what happens when you get old. I think I'm starting to fancy the gay one. The Barry Styles one makes me feel a bit Jimmy Savile. It's not right for a grown woman to fancy that one.
Tulisa's styling isn't right for her as usual. They always do her too old looking. She's a young woman! I'm almost wishing for the straw yellow hair again. Gary is disappearing behind a wall of dry ice. Not permanently, sadly. It would be good to deep freeze him, though. Then accidentally switch the plug off.
Ooh Rylan's on early. You can see his ginger beard regrowth. I like Robbie liking Rylan just to wind Gary up. I see Lucy was well enough to party at Rylan's party. I like Rylan white blonde! He should go back to blonde.
Toxic is a good song choice! Even Gary's smiling. He looks good, I like his styling. Oh not another medley. LOL to him waving his crotch in Gary's face. Gary's getting all the crotch action tonight. Gary loved it! That was very enjoyable. Louis: 'you remind me of a young Jean Paul Gautier.' Hilarious. Just brilliant.
Ella looks cool when she just styles herself. I like the way she has her hair and the clothes she wears. Robbie: I was a muppet at 16.' Er... who's gonna tell him?
I like Ella's vampire garb. Is she singing Evanescence? Crikey! That's almost alternative. I fucking hate them, obviously. She sounds a bit... flat? Oh just shut up, you're only 16. Ella will be in the final 3, doesn't matter what she does. Nicole is right, it was in the wrong key. The normal key is nails down a blackboard.
What's Christopher coming as, a pumpkin? He'll have to tone down his make-up a bit, boom boom. He's got his coat on. I'm surprised he hasn't got a sparkler in the go. Someone's shining a torch at him. Not sure why. Tulisa looks grim-faced. I'll say one thing; it's a lot better than last week, much less cheesy. LOL, another Harry Hill ending! He's making them his own.
I think Gary needs to get a restraining order against Nicole, she's like a drunk aunt at a wedding (sorry, that cliche is more overused than...) Louis: 'you remind me of Tony Christie.' Fucking hell, Louis, change the record.
OMG to Gary's comment about Tulisa's 'fag ash breath' - that is well below the belt! Really horrible man. Totally uncalled for. I hope says sorry after the break. People going 'oh he owned her' or whatever are so off, because to 'own' someone you need some class and humour; neither of which he has. I'll take fag ash breath over humourless cunt breath any day.
UGH The Other Boy Band are doing STING dressed up like the rapists of Clockwork Orange. That's double sexual terrorism right there.
Tulisa looks like she's been crying. I'd be struggling to keep my composure after than onslaught. Gary should have more respect for himself than humiliating a woman on TV like that, what a prize prick.
Jahmene has been hanging out with Samuel L Jackson. Well, that's pretty cool. Beats hanging out with Daniel Craig. I wonder if he got a free Kangol hat to take home. Is there a greater film on earth than Snakes on a Plane?
Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly. I hate it when people change the pronouns in songs, just leave it as 'his', not her! It's so dumb. Morrissey wouldn't approve. Wouldn't want anyone to think little Jahmene was gay, would we? *snigger*. This song is no good without Wyclef on it. And it's shit with him on it. I don't rate Jahmene and if he wins it will be the most boring thing on the planet. Vocal acrobatics can fuck off.
I quite like Jade doing the Sugababes. Is it the Sugababes? Oh, she did the school run again. Well done. I thought Jade was a bit flat. She looks good, though.
James up last! He's getting to hang around with Labyrinth. Is David Bowie there? James always looks like he's got lovely curly mascara on. I miss his old Deirdre Barlow glasses. They have saddled him with Sweet Dreams. No one wants to do Annie Lennox. There's weird satanic cult stuff going on; don't tell the West Memphis police department. He is doing this quite well; Marylin Manson style. Best performance of the night IMO. The flappy arm is out again. And the teeth! I love the fact he won't let them do his teeth. He's looking a bit chubby this week. I still would. He's sexy. He's worth 17,000 of Jahmene. I like the way he's always so dour. He's like Aiden Grimshaw but just a bit less pretty.
PS. This just in from my friend on Facebook of Sir Gary Barlow: 'I know someone who went to school with him and she said he was an absolute cretin and a weirdo and no one would talk to him and he would just make mixtapes all day.' What was on the mixtapes? Someone call up Xtra Factor and find out!

Sunday, 21 October 2012

X Factor: the results (MKdone)

I'm a bit tired and grumpy today because I got up early again to see my boyfriend. I'm not drunk, but I do have hiccups. Luckily, you can't hear those.
I see Jade's still got her purple rinse - groo. Change it, change it! Jahmene is dressed like the office accountant. I don't like this song they're singing. I hate it when they all sing together, it's so cheesy.
Talking of cheese, I hope Christopher Maloney leaves the building tonight.
LOL to Kye saying Chris Martin is one of his biggest idols. They just put you in front of a keyboard, don't sign up to Goop and get a rainbow jacket just yet.
Just a side note as this show is so dull, I have been watching X Factor US and it's better than the UK one in some ways and not in others. I like the judges; Britney's every emotion shows on her haunted face, LA Reid jiggles about like the Churchill nodding dog, and Demi Lovato is sweet, but not annoying. The thing I don't like about it is the categories; they've got this teen category, which is really bugging because they're all children, basically, and no one wants to hear children sing. They also put through 16 to the live shows, as opposed to cutting half, which took a lot of tension out of judges houses. The Voice US is still the best, and enjoy it whilst you can because the two best judges, Cee Lo and Xtina, are leaving this season.
I thought Labyrinth (I know he spells it wrong, but I can't remember how) was more in the Tinchy Stryder vein, obviously not. This is turgid. It looks like his mum's come on to help him sing it.
JLS: 'how does it feel to be the hottest girl in the world right now?' Well it would be better if you were singing one of your songs with a tune. Is this their challenge to 'you don't know you're beautiful?' I don't want One Direction or JLS calling me beautiful. They're all grotesque (except Zain) so their opinion aint worth dick.
Here's the results! One boyband is through. Whoop, Rylan is through! That beef with Gary is keeping him in. OMG Christopher is through. I was sure he was a goner.
Shit, I hope Jade doesn't go. I wouldn't want to see Kye go before Christopher, either. I don't want MK1 to go either. Jade is through! The bottom two are Kye and MK1. I like both of them.
Aw, MK1 look sad. I really hope they go through. She looks like she's shaking.
Gary going on about Kye's flu again, STFU. Kye is doing a dated, rubbishy old song. Cut him. He sounds a bit flat to me. MK1 are the best of the groups. That really sucks that they went home. What a shame. The show will be poorer without them. I do know one person who'll be happy; that dude they auditioned with.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

X Factor: Clubbed to death

Sorry about last week's X Factor blogs, I was a little 'tired and emotional'. I've just popped open a bottle of wine and I'm alone so I should get angry about halfway through this blog. Well, I suppose it depends on how many decades-old ballads I have to listen to. Which could be a lot. If anyone sings Hero by Mariah Carey or Unchained Melody I reserve the right to get pissy as fuck, forthwith.
Fucking hell, this is on for two hours. And I'm not even half an hour behind so I can fast forward the ads. I'm going to have to squeeze in some serious Song Pop in those breaks.
James probably had a panic attack last week because they kept him buttoned up in that coat for too long. How many idiots are going to think that was really Dermot doing backflips at the start? And where did they find a lookalike short enough?
Louis's borrowed one of Deirdre Barlow's roll-necks for the night. Tulisa is styled nothing like Tulisa as usual. Nic-bot is spouting rubbish already. Barlow is bringing tweedy back, and not the violent one.
Christopher Malone is up first; they must really want rid of him. Well, he's pretty camp so he should be alright. He's 34? Fucking hell, I thought he was 40-odd. So he's borrowed his suit off Graham Norton. This is 100% karaoke. *presses fast forward* *realises it's live* Louis is making notes i.e. drawing a picture of Jedward in the bath together. Well, let's face it, it's an image that sticks with us all. Christopher Malone did the full Harry Hill ending  STARTOFALL! *jazz hands*
MK Ultra are up next. What the fuck is Louis going to get them singing this week? A Same Difference number? They don't want to sing something 'overground'. No Wombling Free, then? I think the general public can take a bit of rap, FFS. We can cope. It's not Megadeath. Fucking hell, they're doing Gypsy Woman. I love the black dude! I love them both, actually, they're too cute.
I see the woolly hats are making a comeback. There's only one type of mash up to be on a Saturday night, and it isn't this.
Oh Jahmene, don't pretend you've got any scandal in your life, you dull little choirboy. 'What you've been through' - oh please, we've all had our face dragged in the shit, that's life, kiddo. Buck up.
Oh, bugger, I like this song he's doing. Not so much the bow-tie. Aw, his bottom lip is going. Diddums. Nicole is like the most irritating motivational coach ever. 'You have the biggest balls ever.' I'm sure that's what he wants said about him on TV in front of his mum.
Jade's hair looks cool all lose and curly. I don't think blonde always works on black people, but it really suits her. Oh, now they've made it purple. Why are they always giving blonde people granny rinses on this show? Remember Amelia Lily's powder-pink car crash? Jade sounds a bit flat and nasally, but I'm not sure if they just put that idea into my head by saying her vocal cords were knackered. Gary's behind you, Jade. Be careful. I like Jade. But I'm worried she might go.
Fucking hell man, how does Lewis Hamilton put up with this Scherzinger bitch? I've seen that boring little runt on TV and he's dull as fuck. Oh I forgot, she's just putting this personality on for the cameras. She's really just as boring as him. Another break? Fuck a duck.
Why has no one done Zombie Nation yet? Now THAT'S a club classic.
James Arthur looks like he's got mascara on. I'd fuck him, make up, no make up, manky teeth, Brandon Flowers veneers, mouth shut, I don't really mind. Oh fuck, that wine's kicking in. James Arthur doesn't need dancers. I don't want to look at them - they're fucking leery. I want to look at him. What the fuck is this song? Did he just say he's got 'passion in his pants'? This like the worst song ever. Is this LMFAO? Cry my fucking eyes out, more like. 'We saved the community centre!' Rubbish. He's better than this crap. It's like Darius doing Britney as far as I'm concerned. And at least that was funny. Remember when Darius suddenly got good-looking? That was weird.
Oh it's one of those boy bands. The good one, with the gay member. I don't mind this song, but it's quite high, and I'm not sure they are. I barely saw a moment of that, I was too busy being a smart-arse on Twitter. I will say, I think this band are better than 1D were at this stage of the competition.
LOL, I forgot about Rylan. He's kind of just like Chico, really, and everyone loves Chico. Rylan is a secret ginger! I don't like it when gingers dye their hair black. Embrace your ginger, just like Nicola Roberts did, after about a decade of bad highlights.
YES, Rylan is doing Get on the Floor. TUNE! That song makes me laugh every time I hear it. Boo, it turned into Rhianna. Not just as good. Tonight we got to get on the floor! I think Rylan looks kind of sexy tonight. Oh God, another song! Three songs is too many in two minutes. That was good, though, much better than last week. I'll give him a vote again! He looks nervous! Fuck off, Gary. Stop talking trash, you curmudgeon. Bourgeois is not two words, Nicole. I quite liked the XYZee factor, but she's so overdone. Simon Cowell is probably writing her scripts.
How come Lucy has to apologise for being a drunk mess but Rylan doesn't? Oh I forgot. It's because she's a WOMAN. I'm quite enjoying her performance. Is it that half bottle of wine? Maybe, baby. I kind of like things that have a marching/ drummer sound to them, like clip-clop-clip-clop. It drives my boyfriend mad. I think she's been one of the best so far. I like the fact Tulisa is encouraging her to get drunk. Yeah, get fucking drunk! Just don't get the video camera out, ever.
Fucking hell, Brad Pitt, do you really need the money for that Chanel advert? Tragic. Still, gotta keep Vivienne in dungarees.
Gary's intro for Kye: 'he's full of flu but he's going to give it 150%.' What a rubbish intro. You might as well have just said, 'He's going to be crap but he's doing his best.'
Gary moaning about Kye singing flat; I think I like flat singers. I enjoyed him last week! So no doubt I'll hate him this week. Thanks Gary. Gary's giving Kye the Dan Gheesling treatment to knock him into shape. And we all know how that ends (well, the two people who watch BBUS and read my blog).
Kye's borrowed his keyboard off Brandon Flowers. Another song I don't fucking know. I hope that contraption is going to take off. How can this be a club classic when you can't even dance to it? If this is Chris Brown or something I'm gonna go fucking mad. I thought he was quite good, but that song was dreary.
Ah, here's District Blee. What are they going to sing, 'I'm every woman?' Everything they do just has the stench of 'uncool' about it. I don't know what this song is either *grandma*. Gary looks like he's going to cry. Perhaps he's thinking about Robbie Williams boggle-eyed and screeching about his millions of dollars.  I have nightmares about that moment myself.
Ella Henderson's dancing is a bit puppety, but she's singing the song well. Another unflattering outfit in my opinion, she's not a big girl, but they keep dressing her like she is. The dance moves don't really go with this song, it's too choreographed. She's better just natural. She looked really nervous at the end! Gary is actually right about her dancing, it was lame. But no matter. It will be one of his acts going home tomorrow, and the week after that, most likely. And then he might as well go home. And then he might as well smoke a spliff, get fat again, and fuck off for another decade. It must be Howard Donald's time to (let it) shine.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

X Factor: the results (Afghan drowned)

Gary Barlow can't even do a smile when he comes out on stage, the miserable oik. Perhaps it's because he's had his jaw wired or something? It's probably those spiteful fat-free meals he eats that leave a bad taste in his mouth.
I don't know what this song is they're all singing, but either it sounds tuneless or they do.
I think Nicole enjoys this show more than the viewers do. She's got her 'leery old aunt' chip in. So tonight I'd be happy to see the back of Christopher Maloney, District3 or the afghan hound as they're outdated and get on my wick. I hope Tiger Lily wasn't watching the afghan murder one of her dad's best songs. She's suffered enough having to live with Bob Geldof and Peaches.
I hope Lucy goes through, I hope MK1 goes though, and Rylan. James and Ella are a given. I hope Kye goes through as I thought he did good last night and he got a hard time.
Rebecca Ferguson. The most boring popstar since Leona Lewis. She's got a lovely voice, but she's just not my bag at all. What's with the fright-wig? She's beautiful, but they've done her up like a sub-par Lady Gaga. She looks better dressed classically and singing a soul number.
Chicken wings... what the fuck? Has someone checked Nicole's medication? She could be about to go postal like Robocop.
Every time I see Taylor Swift I just think, when will she have her teeth fixed? She must have the money. Another pop drip.
Yay, Rylan isn't in the bottom two! Fuck you, Barlow. I'm really glad Kye got through.This is the perfect result.
So it's District3 vs the afghan. Why is Louis giving them Bryan Adams to sing? All they've ever done is old fashioned, cheesy songs. They are so duff but I'd still rather save them over that screechy old crow. Let's see if she can get through one song without screeching. Urgh, she's shouting again. Get off my screen and back home to the bairns.
Yes, Tulisa has opted to send Melanie home! What is it with Dermot, he's being very strict this year. He's doing a Steve Jones.
Deadlock! I think Melanie will go, who on earth would vote for her? Is Gary going to stomp off again? LOL Gary's lost two of his acts in two weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd lost the lot in a fortnight's time. I have no clue why he ever put her through in the first place. Her voice was like nails down a blackboard. She seemed to take losing well. Gary is so out of touch with what's popular. He's like Louis; fumbling round for his faculties, and then just seeing Rylan's face looming up at him in the dark. Sweet dreams! 

Saturday, 13 October 2012

X Factor: Love, peace and harmony

Disclaimer: I've been drinking since 7.30am because my boyfriend is working funny shifts. OK that doesn't explain the drinking but anyway. OK, now with that out of the way...
Love and heartbreak week; I hope someone's singing a Morrissey number.
Gary 'get the camera out of face' Barlow is such a div; doesn't he realise the more he slates Rylan, the more people will ring up and vote for him? I've got my phone in my hand right now, just primed to ruin Gary's Saturday night. Have you ever seen Gary Barlow smile? I'm on smile watch tonight. If I catch that cunt smiling I might even throw one of his dogshit acts a vote.  
Why has Gary Barlow been told to change position on the judging panel? He did have Simon's seat, now he has to perch on Abdoool's Stool. I think we can safely assume Louis Walsh is now head judge. Even Nicole Scherzinger seems to have located her personality - someone must have fixed the fuse on it.
Dermot's come very formal, was that the suit he was wearing it his 'it won't last' wedding?
Jahmene: someone so boring you wouldn't have even bothered to bully him at school. Stop playing the virgin card, Jahmene. It's not like people were queuing up to deflower SuBo after Britain's Got Talent. What the fuck is this song? He reminds me of Peter Andre. And we don't need two of those. My boyfriend says he talks like he's at the dinner table with his grandma.
I'm mad with these adverts already. BREAKFAST BISCUITS. I'd rather eat cat litter. I thought I might have just seen Gary smile but I suspect it was just a spot of wind. 
I'm tired of Christopher already. I need a drink from that extremely cheesy bar behind him. He sounds off key. Why are there people snogging on a couch? That's not dancing. Not as good as Rylan's gimmicks!
Christopher is being patronised by Scherbot. That's gotta hurt. Louis is right; it was cruise ship.
Union J getting advice off 1D: 'be yourselves'. As opposed to a One Direction tribute band. They must be fucking hot in those coats. Have they got wellies on? They are better than last week but still dull as fuckery. Plus I don't fancy any of them. Where's the Zain?
Nicole is being very hammy this week. Mind you, rather that than the batteries out version.
Ella is up next, I still can't believe she's 16. What's with all these teenagers never having had a boyfriend? I'd had about 25 boyfriends by the time I was 16. That's what your teens are for; getting your heart broken. I fucking hate this song. It's dreadful. So now I can't even enjoy this and I like her. Plus I don't like her styling. She looked better with her own look with red lippy and everything.
I don't normally watch all the adverts. They really hammer them, don't they?
Are you really trying to tell me that's the first time Nicole has been in a pub? She goes out with an Englishman, doesn't she? Even the thickest of tourists seek out a pub when they first arrive in London. Mind you, I guess robots don't drink. Mary J Bilge is on the phone. Another song I hate. James has got his coat on, too. Why is everyone wearing their coat? It's making me nervous, like the contestants are waiting for a cab; which let's face it, they are. James was doing some flapping arms there. I like the fact his voice broke a bit during the song.
Aw Lucy's nanny died. *sympathy vote* She's got a fucking woolly hat on. Is there some memo I missed? I bet Rylan doesn't come on wearing his Christmas jumper. Is she rapping? How is Golddigger about love or heartbreak? Note they didn't say about her love life. I guess lesbianism is a bit unpalatable for the tweenies. Gary's mentioned His Loss. Nicole is now alluding to the lesbianism, Lucy looks embarrassed.
These Sky adverts are really fucking bugging. I've got Sky, fuck off.
District3. LOL to them having to have their names taped to the front of them in rehearsals for the benefit of senile old Louis. They're a bit drippy, aren't they? The other boyband are better. They didn't look very impressed Nicole's comments. Dermot: 'no one can question your harmonies.' Er? They seem like a right bunch of boring bastards.
Jade doesn't want to go on the schoolrun anymore. Is she going to have her kid adopted? Not Amy Winehouse again! I've not liked one song tonight. Should have done Back to Black instead. This song is fucking boring. Zzzzzz. I like her but she's always going to be middle of the pack.
Another rubbish cover version on a John Lewis advert. Is it their MO to suck the life out of rock?
MK1. Urban! I like them. This song choice is totally wrong, her her voice sounds good. The styling is dreadful again. She's got a woolly hat on, too. Why can't they sing a young song, or an urban song, if that's what they're about? Fucking Louis hasn't a clue. Gary's comments were actually right. MK1 'our fans might be too cool to vote for us.' Yeah, that's what Natalie Cassidy thought when she was booted out of Celeb BB. Turned out people couldn't fucking stand her.
Kye is doing Eminem and Rhianna. Kyeliner. Don't forget the 'watch her leave through the window, guess that's why they call it window pane.' - one of the best/ stupidest lines in rap ever. I thought Kye was the best I'd heard him tonight; it helps I liked the songs. Well, except the Dido bit, obv.
Louis saying he got bored was not a 'non comment', Gary. It's a fair point! I thought they were a bit harsh on him, though, I enjoyed it. The best thing I've seen tonight.
Another fucking patronising BT advert. Do they never learn their lesson?
Rylan! Gary Bore-low. Brian Friedman; go away. Rylan: 'if you don't like it storm off again' lol. LOL to the Take That false start. Rylan isn't just off, he's barely even singing. I hate this song and I hate it even more now. Can I take my vote back? I didn't even think the set was particularly good.
Louis is urging people to vote for Rylan! Hehe. Gary Barlow; 'musical dirge' - he should know. Rylan giving Barlow a bit of backchat, love it. Why does Gary have to be so nasty!? Has Nicole been practicing that 'living' line in the mirror? She's had a complete reboot, she was a right drip on X Factor US.
Ugh, I forgot about the afghan. I can't stand this bitch. Is she going to mention her kids? Interesting that she's doing this song that was on the John Lewis advert. *product placement*. I like this song. Not this version, though. She looks like Nicola Roberts' mum. And now she's shrieking again. I'd like her performance to collide with my off button. Some people shouldn't wear red lipstick, She's one of them.
I'm so fucking tired and pissed off now; I'm going to do a Gary Barlow and stomp off, now. Thanks for reading. Night!