Saturday, 13 October 2012

X Factor: Love, peace and harmony

Disclaimer: I've been drinking since 7.30am because my boyfriend is working funny shifts. OK that doesn't explain the drinking but anyway. OK, now with that out of the way...
Love and heartbreak week; I hope someone's singing a Morrissey number.
Gary 'get the camera out of face' Barlow is such a div; doesn't he realise the more he slates Rylan, the more people will ring up and vote for him? I've got my phone in my hand right now, just primed to ruin Gary's Saturday night. Have you ever seen Gary Barlow smile? I'm on smile watch tonight. If I catch that cunt smiling I might even throw one of his dogshit acts a vote.  
Why has Gary Barlow been told to change position on the judging panel? He did have Simon's seat, now he has to perch on Abdoool's Stool. I think we can safely assume Louis Walsh is now head judge. Even Nicole Scherzinger seems to have located her personality - someone must have fixed the fuse on it.
Dermot's come very formal, was that the suit he was wearing it his 'it won't last' wedding?
Jahmene: someone so boring you wouldn't have even bothered to bully him at school. Stop playing the virgin card, Jahmene. It's not like people were queuing up to deflower SuBo after Britain's Got Talent. What the fuck is this song? He reminds me of Peter Andre. And we don't need two of those. My boyfriend says he talks like he's at the dinner table with his grandma.
I'm mad with these adverts already. BREAKFAST BISCUITS. I'd rather eat cat litter. I thought I might have just seen Gary smile but I suspect it was just a spot of wind. 
I'm tired of Christopher already. I need a drink from that extremely cheesy bar behind him. He sounds off key. Why are there people snogging on a couch? That's not dancing. Not as good as Rylan's gimmicks!
Christopher is being patronised by Scherbot. That's gotta hurt. Louis is right; it was cruise ship.
Union J getting advice off 1D: 'be yourselves'. As opposed to a One Direction tribute band. They must be fucking hot in those coats. Have they got wellies on? They are better than last week but still dull as fuckery. Plus I don't fancy any of them. Where's the Zain?
Nicole is being very hammy this week. Mind you, rather that than the batteries out version.
Ella is up next, I still can't believe she's 16. What's with all these teenagers never having had a boyfriend? I'd had about 25 boyfriends by the time I was 16. That's what your teens are for; getting your heart broken. I fucking hate this song. It's dreadful. So now I can't even enjoy this and I like her. Plus I don't like her styling. She looked better with her own look with red lippy and everything.
I don't normally watch all the adverts. They really hammer them, don't they?
Are you really trying to tell me that's the first time Nicole has been in a pub? She goes out with an Englishman, doesn't she? Even the thickest of tourists seek out a pub when they first arrive in London. Mind you, I guess robots don't drink. Mary J Bilge is on the phone. Another song I hate. James has got his coat on, too. Why is everyone wearing their coat? It's making me nervous, like the contestants are waiting for a cab; which let's face it, they are. James was doing some flapping arms there. I like the fact his voice broke a bit during the song.
Aw Lucy's nanny died. *sympathy vote* She's got a fucking woolly hat on. Is there some memo I missed? I bet Rylan doesn't come on wearing his Christmas jumper. Is she rapping? How is Golddigger about love or heartbreak? Note they didn't say about her love life. I guess lesbianism is a bit unpalatable for the tweenies. Gary's mentioned His Loss. Nicole is now alluding to the lesbianism, Lucy looks embarrassed.
These Sky adverts are really fucking bugging. I've got Sky, fuck off.
District3. LOL to them having to have their names taped to the front of them in rehearsals for the benefit of senile old Louis. They're a bit drippy, aren't they? The other boyband are better. They didn't look very impressed Nicole's comments. Dermot: 'no one can question your harmonies.' Er? They seem like a right bunch of boring bastards.
Jade doesn't want to go on the schoolrun anymore. Is she going to have her kid adopted? Not Amy Winehouse again! I've not liked one song tonight. Should have done Back to Black instead. This song is fucking boring. Zzzzzz. I like her but she's always going to be middle of the pack.
Another rubbish cover version on a John Lewis advert. Is it their MO to suck the life out of rock?
MK1. Urban! I like them. This song choice is totally wrong, her her voice sounds good. The styling is dreadful again. She's got a woolly hat on, too. Why can't they sing a young song, or an urban song, if that's what they're about? Fucking Louis hasn't a clue. Gary's comments were actually right. MK1 'our fans might be too cool to vote for us.' Yeah, that's what Natalie Cassidy thought when she was booted out of Celeb BB. Turned out people couldn't fucking stand her.
Kye is doing Eminem and Rhianna. Kyeliner. Don't forget the 'watch her leave through the window, guess that's why they call it window pane.' - one of the best/ stupidest lines in rap ever. I thought Kye was the best I'd heard him tonight; it helps I liked the songs. Well, except the Dido bit, obv.
Louis saying he got bored was not a 'non comment', Gary. It's a fair point! I thought they were a bit harsh on him, though, I enjoyed it. The best thing I've seen tonight.
Another fucking patronising BT advert. Do they never learn their lesson?
Rylan! Gary Bore-low. Brian Friedman; go away. Rylan: 'if you don't like it storm off again' lol. LOL to the Take That false start. Rylan isn't just off, he's barely even singing. I hate this song and I hate it even more now. Can I take my vote back? I didn't even think the set was particularly good.
Louis is urging people to vote for Rylan! Hehe. Gary Barlow; 'musical dirge' - he should know. Rylan giving Barlow a bit of backchat, love it. Why does Gary have to be so nasty!? Has Nicole been practicing that 'living' line in the mirror? She's had a complete reboot, she was a right drip on X Factor US.
Ugh, I forgot about the afghan. I can't stand this bitch. Is she going to mention her kids? Interesting that she's doing this song that was on the John Lewis advert. *product placement*. I like this song. Not this version, though. She looks like Nicola Roberts' mum. And now she's shrieking again. I'd like her performance to collide with my off button. Some people shouldn't wear red lipstick, She's one of them.
I'm so fucking tired and pissed off now; I'm going to do a Gary Barlow and stomp off, now. Thanks for reading. Night!

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