Saturday, 20 October 2012

X Factor: Clubbed to death

Sorry about last week's X Factor blogs, I was a little 'tired and emotional'. I've just popped open a bottle of wine and I'm alone so I should get angry about halfway through this blog. Well, I suppose it depends on how many decades-old ballads I have to listen to. Which could be a lot. If anyone sings Hero by Mariah Carey or Unchained Melody I reserve the right to get pissy as fuck, forthwith.
Fucking hell, this is on for two hours. And I'm not even half an hour behind so I can fast forward the ads. I'm going to have to squeeze in some serious Song Pop in those breaks.
James probably had a panic attack last week because they kept him buttoned up in that coat for too long. How many idiots are going to think that was really Dermot doing backflips at the start? And where did they find a lookalike short enough?
Louis's borrowed one of Deirdre Barlow's roll-necks for the night. Tulisa is styled nothing like Tulisa as usual. Nic-bot is spouting rubbish already. Barlow is bringing tweedy back, and not the violent one.
Christopher Malone is up first; they must really want rid of him. Well, he's pretty camp so he should be alright. He's 34? Fucking hell, I thought he was 40-odd. So he's borrowed his suit off Graham Norton. This is 100% karaoke. *presses fast forward* *realises it's live* Louis is making notes i.e. drawing a picture of Jedward in the bath together. Well, let's face it, it's an image that sticks with us all. Christopher Malone did the full Harry Hill ending  STARTOFALL! *jazz hands*
MK Ultra are up next. What the fuck is Louis going to get them singing this week? A Same Difference number? They don't want to sing something 'overground'. No Wombling Free, then? I think the general public can take a bit of rap, FFS. We can cope. It's not Megadeath. Fucking hell, they're doing Gypsy Woman. I love the black dude! I love them both, actually, they're too cute.
I see the woolly hats are making a comeback. There's only one type of mash up to be on a Saturday night, and it isn't this.
Oh Jahmene, don't pretend you've got any scandal in your life, you dull little choirboy. 'What you've been through' - oh please, we've all had our face dragged in the shit, that's life, kiddo. Buck up.
Oh, bugger, I like this song he's doing. Not so much the bow-tie. Aw, his bottom lip is going. Diddums. Nicole is like the most irritating motivational coach ever. 'You have the biggest balls ever.' I'm sure that's what he wants said about him on TV in front of his mum.
Jade's hair looks cool all lose and curly. I don't think blonde always works on black people, but it really suits her. Oh, now they've made it purple. Why are they always giving blonde people granny rinses on this show? Remember Amelia Lily's powder-pink car crash? Jade sounds a bit flat and nasally, but I'm not sure if they just put that idea into my head by saying her vocal cords were knackered. Gary's behind you, Jade. Be careful. I like Jade. But I'm worried she might go.
Fucking hell man, how does Lewis Hamilton put up with this Scherzinger bitch? I've seen that boring little runt on TV and he's dull as fuck. Oh I forgot, she's just putting this personality on for the cameras. She's really just as boring as him. Another break? Fuck a duck.
Why has no one done Zombie Nation yet? Now THAT'S a club classic.
James Arthur looks like he's got mascara on. I'd fuck him, make up, no make up, manky teeth, Brandon Flowers veneers, mouth shut, I don't really mind. Oh fuck, that wine's kicking in. James Arthur doesn't need dancers. I don't want to look at them - they're fucking leery. I want to look at him. What the fuck is this song? Did he just say he's got 'passion in his pants'? This like the worst song ever. Is this LMFAO? Cry my fucking eyes out, more like. 'We saved the community centre!' Rubbish. He's better than this crap. It's like Darius doing Britney as far as I'm concerned. And at least that was funny. Remember when Darius suddenly got good-looking? That was weird.
Oh it's one of those boy bands. The good one, with the gay member. I don't mind this song, but it's quite high, and I'm not sure they are. I barely saw a moment of that, I was too busy being a smart-arse on Twitter. I will say, I think this band are better than 1D were at this stage of the competition.
LOL, I forgot about Rylan. He's kind of just like Chico, really, and everyone loves Chico. Rylan is a secret ginger! I don't like it when gingers dye their hair black. Embrace your ginger, just like Nicola Roberts did, after about a decade of bad highlights.
YES, Rylan is doing Get on the Floor. TUNE! That song makes me laugh every time I hear it. Boo, it turned into Rhianna. Not just as good. Tonight we got to get on the floor! I think Rylan looks kind of sexy tonight. Oh God, another song! Three songs is too many in two minutes. That was good, though, much better than last week. I'll give him a vote again! He looks nervous! Fuck off, Gary. Stop talking trash, you curmudgeon. Bourgeois is not two words, Nicole. I quite liked the XYZee factor, but she's so overdone. Simon Cowell is probably writing her scripts.
How come Lucy has to apologise for being a drunk mess but Rylan doesn't? Oh I forgot. It's because she's a WOMAN. I'm quite enjoying her performance. Is it that half bottle of wine? Maybe, baby. I kind of like things that have a marching/ drummer sound to them, like clip-clop-clip-clop. It drives my boyfriend mad. I think she's been one of the best so far. I like the fact Tulisa is encouraging her to get drunk. Yeah, get fucking drunk! Just don't get the video camera out, ever.
Fucking hell, Brad Pitt, do you really need the money for that Chanel advert? Tragic. Still, gotta keep Vivienne in dungarees.
Gary's intro for Kye: 'he's full of flu but he's going to give it 150%.' What a rubbish intro. You might as well have just said, 'He's going to be crap but he's doing his best.'
Gary moaning about Kye singing flat; I think I like flat singers. I enjoyed him last week! So no doubt I'll hate him this week. Thanks Gary. Gary's giving Kye the Dan Gheesling treatment to knock him into shape. And we all know how that ends (well, the two people who watch BBUS and read my blog).
Kye's borrowed his keyboard off Brandon Flowers. Another song I don't fucking know. I hope that contraption is going to take off. How can this be a club classic when you can't even dance to it? If this is Chris Brown or something I'm gonna go fucking mad. I thought he was quite good, but that song was dreary.
Ah, here's District Blee. What are they going to sing, 'I'm every woman?' Everything they do just has the stench of 'uncool' about it. I don't know what this song is either *grandma*. Gary looks like he's going to cry. Perhaps he's thinking about Robbie Williams boggle-eyed and screeching about his millions of dollars.  I have nightmares about that moment myself.
Ella Henderson's dancing is a bit puppety, but she's singing the song well. Another unflattering outfit in my opinion, she's not a big girl, but they keep dressing her like she is. The dance moves don't really go with this song, it's too choreographed. She's better just natural. She looked really nervous at the end! Gary is actually right about her dancing, it was lame. But no matter. It will be one of his acts going home tomorrow, and the week after that, most likely. And then he might as well go home. And then he might as well smoke a spliff, get fat again, and fuck off for another decade. It must be Howard Donald's time to (let it) shine.

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