Saturday, 6 October 2012

X Factor: Live shows (It begins in the heart and it hurts when it's true)

So I heard pop's most miserable waistcoat-wearer Dame Gary Barlow was carping about Rylan being put though. Because wouldn't it be awful to have someone fun and entertaining on the show? You might even crack a smile, you fat fucker. Loosen up, Grandad.
I quite like Dermot's stupid dance at the start. I couldn't see Steve Jones doing that. He's still bouncing from side to side like a little, wrinkled puppy.
Tulisa has finally ditched the scorched-earth hairstyle. Are they playing Star Wars music? I hope it's Star Wars theme night. I can think of a few who would make good ewoks.
Why the shuffling about of chairs? *insert conspiracy theories here*.
So Dame Gary Barlow now has four acts as they put Christopher through, which was 100% predictable. I hope with all my heart that all of Gary's acts sink without a trace.
What is this bullshit about having the voting lines open before the show has even started!? Surely that gives people who sing first a massive advantage. Well I've just voted for Rylan. If they're going to fuck about with the rules, and make it a popularity contest not a singing contest, then I'm going to vote for the person I'd most like to go for a night out with.
District3! Not just as good as District 9 or District 13. What district does Katniss live in in the Hunger Games? Either way, it's a fucking rubbish band name. Mind you, so was One Direction.
I can't work out what this song is they're singing. Oh my God, Simply the Best?! FUCK OFF. Awful, simpering and they can't sing. It's killing time, and you're required at the Capitol. May the odds be ever in your favour. Tulisa said that was R&B! Really? And they really did to that turgid arrangement themselves? Great. I hate it when she has her hair in a bun, she looks too severe. I think her stylist hates her, that necklace is like something off Dallas as well.
Dermot: does not know what a pun is.
A note on One Direction. If you've over 12 and you fancy them, you're a paedophile. Also, the songs sound the same. Also Harry Styles makes me feel physically sick. But Zain is handsome. I just find it creepy when Heat magazine who, let's face it, is read by people in their 30s, are encouraging people to fancy a slutty little 18 year old boy. I think it's a bit sick, to be honest. The only direction I'd like to see them go in is hurtling towards the sea.
James's makeover seems to keeping his mouth shut. Are they going to give him the name of Brandon Flowers' dentist or what? OK, I'm going to come out with it, I think I might love James a bit. I don't think it was the right song for him, but his voice sounds lovely. He's got it. That was good advice from Gary to not have his edges smoothed off, although done in a nasty way. James looks so awkward on stage - and I liked it.
Fuck me, the afghan is up next. Are we going to have to constantly hear about her borring-arse kids? Stop whining about being apart from your children, FFS, do you want to follow your dream or not?  Anyone would think she's the first person to give birth. Don't worry, you'll be with them in two weeks. Ugh, she's singing the Beatles. I can't stand the fucking Beatles. Even Beavis and Butthead admitted they're shit. This woman is screechy, no one would buy her record, and she's getting on my NERVES.
Lucy came out of the closet last week. Normally people wait until after they win to do that. She's giving Brian Freidman the brush off. She's singing her OWN SONG.
This song isn't her best work either. She needs to make her lyrics sharp for all of her songs. They've trowelled a bit too much make-up her, too. I still like her, though. Anyone who can write their own songs should sing their own songs every week. 
I desperately want to know if MK1's friend is still getting a 30% of their earnings. I thought their act was quite high spirited. She was a bit off, but on the whole it felt quite different and fun. Do you think they're fucking? I think they'd sell records, they're quite current. But are they named after the Milton Keynes shopping centre? If so, they'd have been better off going for Xscape, the dry ski-slope.
Gary should have put Christopher through from the start. But Christopher is never going to win this race.
Uh oh, he's doing Hero. I never want to hear that song again. This is too plodding, too old fashioned (or cheesy and limp, as my boyfriend said). Never let the public pick wildcards; look what happened with Becky from Big Brother.
Gary: 'we couldn't choose the songs for them this week.' Who did then, set of balls number 6 in Guinevere? Fucknut.
Union J look so much like One Direction clones. It's annoying. At least they haven't got that little Irish sexist blonde one.
Don't stop me now. This song can fuck off. One of them appears to be able to sing - the gay one, by the looks of things. This is quite a camp performance. Louis has let Union J down, just like he did the odious Ronan Keating.
Jade Ellis. Oh fucking hell, not more 'I'm a mother' crap. Her makeover is quite good, she's cute. I only just twigged it was 'hero' week. I hope someone does 'I'll never be anybody's hero now' by Morrissey. I think she's quite good but this is a duff song.
Have I mentioned Nicole's revolting dress yet? Rylan has been getting death threats?! FFS. He's fabulous. Loving the set. He's struggling on the low notes but the theatrics are good. FUCK OFF GARY BARLOW. 'You should be ashamed of yourself'. I liked Nicole standing up for him and calling Gary a grumpy old fart, I've actually liked her more tonight - she beats that idiot Kelly  Rowland anyway. There's a lot more to being a popstar than just singing, you have to have the look, be unique and be good in interviews. I think Rylan is much more suited to that than, say... District3.
Gary's acts are just 'having a jam' with loverat Mark Owen. Ok then.
Kye's performance and song choice was duff but my boyfriend said it was alright.   
Come on Ella! I hope she does good. They've styled her like a fairy on top of the Christmas tree. It's a bit of a turgid rendition of that song, but she is great.
That was nice that Gary gave her that compliment. Nicole was really nice to her too. LOL to Louis having a dig at Gary. I can't believe she's only 16, she is special.
Did Gary Barlow just say someone was doing country? We don't have country music over here; let's keep it that way. Oh, it's this boring person. Mithering about being 32.. boo hoo, that must be so awful being that over the hill (I'm 32, and I don't consider myself ready for the knackers yard just yet.) Did she just say 'jumping from hoof to hoof'? Jumping from hoof to hoof, mixing. This is dullsville. I'd pay not to listen to this. It's not country. It's just limp pop. Do we need a UK Shania Twain?
Jahmene gets on my nerves. Uh oh, there's a stool. Fuck me, he's doing Imagine. LET ME NEVER HEAR THIS SONG AGAIN. He's just not for me in anyway.
Ok, here's who I think will go tomorrow. Christopher could be in trouble. Carolynne could, too. I'd like to see the back of the afghan. As long as one of Gary's goes, I'm happy, wipe that smug look of his face. Oh... that's just his face.

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