Monday, 30 November 2009

Film: Paranormal Activity

Last night I watched Paranormal Activity (clunky title), a film touted as the scariest thing EVER and certain to keep you awake at night. So I was pretty excited.
Paranormal Activity has been promoted as an on-the-cheap work of genius, made for 9K and made 50 million dollars at the box office, a Blair Witch for the zeros, a handheld horror that is really gonna shit us up.
But no. For starters, it is SLOW. Really slow. It clocks in at 1.37 and they could have cut it to an hour and it would have still been a little flabby. The couple are unlikeable. Not a problem in a way; let’s watch them suffer. But they are actually really annoying. The girl is whiney, and the boyfriend is a complete idiot- and I mean an utter tosser. To the pair of them: Just LEAVE THE HOUSE. Get in the car and GO.
Nothing happens for at least half an hour (and I’m being generous), and when it does, it’s just a few bumps, interspersed with the pair of them arguing and moaning. The psychic guy isn’t much bloody use either. There are a couple of bits later on that will make you jump, and the end is quite sinister, but it wasn’t worth it.
Good things; a female lead who is normal-sized and the house is quite scary. That’s about it. It’s just nowhere near frightening enough. I want to be terrifed!
This reminded me of Rec. in that there was too much chat, not enough horror/ fear. For handheld camera joy, go see Cloverfield if you haven’t already. For genuine terror, go watch Eden Lake. Then never go to the shops again, as the sight of a chav will give you a panic attack.
No idea why this has got such good reviews. I’ve seen it all a million times, and the story line isn’t that well realised either. The ‘this film is gleaned from police video’ schtick might have worked on a 90s audience; we’re a bit too knowing now. Personally, I prefer Paranormal Attack.

Sunday, 29 November 2009

The X Factor: The Zzz factor

Sorry I've been neglectful of my blog this week; there just doesn't seem to be that much good on telly. I'm a Celebrity is virtually unwatchable. They killed Owen in Enders. And now Jedward is out of the X Factor, can it be any good? I don't love any of the contestants in it. I like Stacey, and that's about it.
Theme: Take That and Elton John. When will it be Placebo week? (Never). I hope someone does a Million Love Songs, that's my fave. But just don't let it be Lloyd. Danyl on first! Is it his turn to go?
God I HATE Cheryl Cole. Why is she so sour? I know she married an idiot, but don't take it out on us, you hard-faced cow.
It was nice to see Danyl dancing around. I thought he did well, and I thought he looked kinda sexy. Don't stick the knife in, Dannii. Cheryl said he was 'camp.' Would she say that to Joe, or Lloyd?
Haha, Cheryl pulled 'little popstar' out to describe Lloyd again! How much does she get paid for just repeating the same old trot? It's useless. Oh christ, it IS Lloyd doing Million Love Songs. Boo.
What is Olly wearing? He looks like a pudgy baby in a jumpsuit. Sang OK though, except for the hideous cheesiness of it all.
Urgh, Joe. Can we ever get rid of him? I'm pining for Jedward.
I thought Stacey was really good, and I hate that Take That song. That girl can sing.
Now for the Elton John tyranny. This show is too long. Lloyd; awful. Danyl sung in the wrong key. Still; I'm glad he got good comments.
Olly; are those bikini-clad women strictly necessary? Joe was Joe. Please don't let him win. Stacey didn't do as well on the second song.
I'm finding it hard to care this week. Will blog something good in the week instead.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

The X Factor: Jedward; I know it's over.

So George Michael couldn't be bothered to get out of his car and come to the studio; probably too busy having a bifta at home. I like some George Michael songs, namely Freedom (by Wham) and Praying for Time, neither of which were sung by our contestants last night.
Jedward looked sharp, Danyl sounded a bit off, Stacey did a song I'd never heard George sing in my life, Olly did the worst George Michael song of all time (Fast Love) and when Joe 'my little popstar' did the best performance of the night, it is deeply upsetting. I forgot to mention Lloyd? As he was on first, let's hope the voters did, too. That's clearly what the producers are hoping.
My mum told me Cheryl is having an affair with Joe! Joe! What magazine has she been reading? Disturbing News Monthly? World's Biggest Lies?
So they've dug up the Boyle. Yeah I get it, ugly person can sing. Next! (mind you, I always feel a bit nervous when they get her to speak, which is quite diverting)
Ah, now it's Maria cuntbag Carey. GIVE HER THE KITTENS! Give her the doves. Then punch her smug fucking face. Is she miming?! What is that effect on her voice? It sounds like it's been through the fairylight mixer. My god, she sounded like a struggling dolphin at the end. Fetch me some tuna!
FUCK! Is it the end of 'young kids love them' Jedward (again!) How can this be? SOB! Get rid of Olly!
Damn the people booing Jedward as they stand in one place singing that shitty Boyzone song out of tune. Jedward are lush. Aw it was like kids singing at your door at Christmas! *pets them*
Why is Olly singing in a faux american accent? Get lost, Olly. This song sucks.
Dannii 'is it a singing competition?' No, it's a entertainment programme! Shame no one was listening to her.
In the words of Emmy the Great (almost): Farewell to (J)ed, for (J)ed is dead. BOO. Fuck you, world. PS: Olly, your popularity is on the wane, big time. You broke our favourite toy. :-(

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here (please)

I hate myself for even writing this. I hate this programme, it's like the anti-big brother, like it felched off BB but just took all the worst bits and then added animal cruelty for good measure. But it's still watchable, especially in a barren schedule.
The contestants this year are absolutely pathetic; pawns to Queen Katie of Price. The only one with any spunk so far is Kim 'how clean is your house' Woodbine. I thought Colin and Justin might be OK but I get the feeling they are going to be crawling round Katie just like everyone else, despite the acerbic diary room entries.
I can't stand the tasks (nothing can top Burrell and Gaffney, so why bother?), I'm only interested in the relationships; but there aren't any now, they are all just Jordan's bitches, talking about her, placating her, commenting on her deformed body. And wtf is up with her FACE? It looks simultaneously swollen and frozen, with comedy black eyebrows painted on her immovable forehead like a demonic child created her in an art class. Those teeth are an absolute joke too, they looks like comedy teeth, one size too big and Simon Cowell-white. I can't STAND veneers, they are vile! Embrace the wonky gnashers. Especially as she had perfectly normal teeth before anyway. The sound of her voice drains the life out of me; it makes monotone sound like falsetto.
She came in to 'set the record straight' about Peter Andre? Could another single syllable be uttered about this defunct relationship? She's totally fucking herself, because people started to respect her when she went in the jungle last time, I remember thinking she was quite a hard-arse during those tasks. Now I just think she's a hard-faced cunt. She had a toughness but a beauty about her before; now she's just a bleating kiss-and-tell on wheels, a crass tanorexic in a bad wig. GET OFF MY SCREEN!
There was something tragic about her reminiscing about the man she basically destroyed. She carps on about how she's over it; but I think she's still smarting. The whole jungle thing is just 'look at me'; but there's nothing underneath. And the next person to say she's a 'good businesswoman' should immediately be thrown from a bridge by Ant and Dec. Then throw Ant and Dec.
The boob talk is puerile and predictable. Zzzz. The conversation about farting was just pathetic; apparently women aren't allowed to according to the sexist chef twat. Why is this show always ten times more sexist than Big Brother? Must just be celebrities being out of touch. The editing on Celebrity is always shit too; they have barely shown at least half the people in the camp. I don't knwo who they are, and I'm not even getting a chance to find out! Genius.

Belle de Jour: Naughty Scientist. Bring on the onslaught.

So with Belle de Jour outing herself (well, did she jump or was she pushed?) this week, both sides of the press are chucking in their two pence worth. Yet both the liberal and the tory press seem to be saying the same thing. So I'm going to say something different.
I've read in both The Guardian and the Daily Hate today articles saying Dr Brooke Magnanti (yes she's a doctor as well as a whore; mindblowing, isn't it) is 'glamorising' prostitution. Advertising it, even. But I still feel like they are missing the point.
I am a feminist. I know the facts, and I'm sure she does. Many, many women are forced into prostitution. Many women (and men) are sexually abused as children and go on to be prostitutes. Many prostitutes are on drugs. Many prostitutes are raped and hurt by disgusting, evil men. But that was NOT Brooke's experience. It does not negate those other experiences. It is just ONE PERSON'S EXPERIENCE. You can quote any manner of statistics, and they are true, I'm certain, but it does not mean it happened to her.
It does not change the fact that her blog was well-written, and people enjoyed reading it, and she enjoyed writing it. The TV show is a bit of fun, like Footballers Wives or something. It's not the only example of a prostitute's experience on the planet. I think the horrific murders by serial killer Steve Wright illustrated the other side quite plainly. Remember that? Probably not. You might remember Jeremy Clarkson thought it was funny (twat).
But back to the other side of it- no, ONE other side of it. I realise this is a higely divisive issue, but personally, I want women to make their own choices about how they earn money. No one wants to grow up to become a prostitute, but some women want that WAG lifestyle without having to put up with the footballer. And even that is stereotyping, because it's not like prostitutes are either earning a few grand a night or standing on the street corner, there's plenty of 'working class' or 'middle class' ones working from home, that no one even knows about, because you're not meant to (unless they dare to write a blog, detailing the reality). It's not something you advertise in the phonebox, unless of course, you do.
I don't want to dictate to women what to do for a living. I read today that it's about women being 'used' but guess what, some women (as well as men) like to be used. Some women can dissociate themselves from sex for money; god, there are enough 20 year olds married to 80 year olds to prove that point. And who am I to judge if that's right or wrong? Between CONSENTING ADULTS (please take note)- it's none of my business. It's none of YOUR business!
I don't even agree with criminalising the punter, because it shouldn't be illegal. Our bodies are our own, it's up to us what we do with them, and if someone wants to buy them, and we are willing to sell. I repeat, this isn't the case if the woman is being forced into it. And I understand poverty forces women into it. But poverty forces people out the door every day to do all sorts of unbearable shit. That's how it is.
The 'happy hooker' isn't a myth. I trust Dan Savage, and he knows many.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

The X Factor: 2 birds, one blog

Round up, round up.
Queen night! Well I guess Brian May's diary is free as long as the 5ive reunion isn't scheduled any time soon. Hey ho, I'm sure it's what Freddie would have wanted.
Well Jedward had already shouted their way through We Will Rock You a couple of weeks ago so that was their obvious choice gone. I was certain they were going to do Radio Gaga but the Vanilla Ice schtick was inspired. They genuinely have got better; and they make me laugh a lot. Stacey and them are the only acts I really look forward to. Jamie is turgid; Danyl is desperate, Joe is just plain shit. Olly ('I punch like a girl'= I'm a sexist) I can take or leave. My boyfriend reckons there's something sinister behind his broken fingers, I wouldn't like to speculate.
I don't think Simon should have apologised for saving Jedward; I don't he should apologise for anything, except having Cheryl as a judge. Modelling the Croydon facelift last night, she looked every inch the council-estate crony she is, and not like the Nation's Princess (tm).
Calvin 'I like all the girls' Harris! Officially less famous than Jedward and dissed by Louis. Ouch. Well it wasn't exactly Jarvis storming MJ at the Brits, was it?
The medley on the results show is hot with embarrassment. I'm always expecting them to sell me a car like on American Idol. Ah, there's Brian May. 5ive still aint come knocking.
Brian May likes 'the girl'. Yeah, she has a name. Does he call his wife 'the perm'?
Shakira: underneath your clothes, there's an endless story. I get her confused with Anastasia. Miming! My Little Phoney. Shakira's advice to contestants: 'Intelligent effort'! Well, it's better than Whitney gawping at the floor for crack crumbs, I guess.
Charity single! I'm still expecting them to sell me a car. Is this song by the people's paedo really suitable to raise money for kids? Now we really DO need the stage invasion from Jarvis/ Calvin/ a lone gunman. Where's Jedward? Ah they got four words. Don't fuck it up!
Ah an advert for Queen's greatest hits! What a pleasant coincidence.
When Joe went through my boyfriend said 'who's he?' which I think sums it up, really. Bit worried Jedward are vulnerable this week. Can't see Simon sticking his neck out again. I want Lloyd to go! Yay, Jedward are safe! Phew. Bye bye Lloyd.
Did Dannii get her My Little Pony hair off Shakira? Neigh! Where did Jamie get those trousers from? I like The Show Must Go On but he murders everything he does. Plus did we need more Freddie? Hasn't he been through enough tonight? Jamie did seem self-assured to me, though, and it's not surprising up against a singer than makes you pine for Eggnog Quiggles. Oh, it should have been Ethan.
Louis has so got it in for Jamie, he's such an arsehole. Jamie is clearly a better singer than Lloyd. Pathetic. Simon looked suitably startled. Thought Jamie took it very well- I think he realised that releasing a Leona-style pop single probably wasn't for him.
Jedward lives. Kill Lloyd. End.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

The X Factor (and Xtra factor!): In Brief

I did watch the X factor live last night but was a bit tired to blog. I thought Stacey was good and was annoyed by Simon's comment that she was 'vulnerable', she was sexy and her voice sounded really nice. Olly has a good voice and was lumbered with a bad song. Danyl was on form; I'm sick of that sour-faced Cheryl Cole digging him out. Lucy seems to have been put in a 'teemo' category, and it doesn't suit her because it's not her natural style. And what was with the Stacey impression? That shit is catching. Lloyd needs to go home- tonight. And why do the judges rave about Jamie and Joe? I thought they were both flat. Jedward were genius, obviously. Ghostbusters? Inspired.
Why DO the contestants wear the same clothes on the friday and saturday show? Can't they afford another set? Credit crunch.
Black Eyed Peas! Made Jedward look credible. Can you think of a worst band on the planet? I can't. Is there an UGLIER band on the planet? I doubt it. Thank fuck for fast forward.
Leona is pretty good, isn't she? I mean it's not my thing but she's got a hell of a voice on her. Mind out for those loopy fans, Leona- wear a helmet!
I'm actually pretty shocked Jedward were in the bottom two. I thought they had millions of fans?! It will suck if they go, and I can't see how they can survive with the judges voting. Boo! Don't think Lucie should be in the bottom though, either. Her sing-off song was crap, though.
Oh christ, John and Edwards sing off-song was Rock DJ, the worst song of all time. Watching them bobbing about for their little lives was quite sad.
I felt quite nervous when they were deciding! Didn't think Simon would take it to deadlock, LOL! Hope he saved Jedward. Haha, he did! Poor Lucie.
Danni said 'it should never have happened!' Hehehe! Jedz on the Xtra Factor 'what's a backlash?' You're about to find out.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Live: Morrissey at Alexandra Palace

Had an unexpected treat last night as my boyfriend won two tickets to see Morrissey at Alexandra Palace on Facebook! We’d decided against going due to money and having already seen him 3 times this year, so it was really great to have this extra chance. The only bad part was I’d already looked at the setlist! Boo. But he did mix it up.
I saw Moz at Alexandra Palace in 2005, even getting a piece of hallowed shirt (well, not me directly, but I seem to have won THAT custody battle). Last time I didn’t like AP much as a venue, it’s a bit airport hanger-y and I remember being stuck on the bus trying to get out of there for what felt like years. This time though (maybe because it was free!) everything seemed easy. There was no pressure to have a good time, and we were just lucky the old man was still standing, really.
Doll and the Kicks were good as usual, although not impressed with the guitarist’s haircut, I liked his massive afro! I thought ‘If you care’ was very moving. The other songs do sound a bit the same, but they’re all good the same, so that’s not too bad. I like Doll, fantastic outfit, she looked very cool (nightmare before Christmas shadows are so very now!), and I like her slightly ‘drunk grandma at a wedding’ dancing. The best Moz support band EVER. Buy the album, I did.
Then there’s the insufferable video clips. Seriously, I thought I’d escaped that tyranny. I want my own youtube disco to force on people; clips of brian molko tipping over a table, clips of courtney love with one foot on the speaker, conor oberst miserably telling us to become vegans, and Richard off Pointless telling people off for not listening to the question SPECIFICALLY. Don’t think it’s gonna happen.
And then. We were quite close to the front at the side, and these two very loud Scottish guys came behind us, and I just knew we were in for trouble! Everyone surged forward for this charming man and I was getting totally battered, so just had to move back about three rows, which was fine, as I still had a really good view. For some reason my boyfriend chose to stay in the middle getting molested and sung at, but we were reunited in time for (ugh) The Loop.
I though the first six songs were the best, the atmosphere was rowdy but buzzing and the pace of songs was kept up well. Very much enjoyed Was it Really So Strange, always nice to hear one you’ve never heard before. Was also pleased to hear First of the Gang early as I’m sick of it as an encore. I could actually enjoy it, and then there was the mystery of what might be the encore instead! Stand out song of the night for me was Ganglord; I think he does it beautifully live. Really strong performance.
Cemetry Gates was nice to hear but it seemed a bit limp live to me for some reason. Liked ‘stonely read the graves’ for a lyric change though. Mid set there was a bit of a lull; Paris (bothered) and Teenage Dad, a dire song, with lyrics that make Brian Molko look opaque. I like Ask but I can take it or leave it. I quite like his cover of Moon Over Kentucky, his yodelling in it is pleasing (it’s better than Redondo beach, right). How Soon Is Now I’ve just seen too many times, plus I don’t like that cut and paste version, it’s all about the build up at the start for me. Because of My Poor Education can fuck off, I couldn’t even sing you a line of it. I‘d rather hear Asian Rut (I have no idea how that goes, but how bad can it be, right?). And One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell over Mama? Ich don’t think so!
Death at One’s Elbow is silly but was fun to hear, Crashing Bores, if I never hear again will be too soon (and I used to love it!). His shows are quite Quarry heavy but I’d like to hear I Have Forgiven Jesus or something just for a change. The Loop has never been acceptable, and will never be, you can take The Loop and Sing Your Life and shove them up Boz Boorer’s arse. People didn’t seem as wildly enthusiastic about The Loop as they were at Brixton though; they were literally intoxicated by the shitness of it there. I despaired for humanity.
The set ended on a high, Irish Blood doesn’t date, it’s still powerful, and I’m OK By Myself is bloody brilliant. I love the screeching/ cardboard box bit at the end, it’s amazing, like a glimpse of Moz as a real rocker. It works fantastically live (and I’ll even bite my tongue about the shoulder/ revolver line). I like hearing Squeezing My Skull too, not sure it’s strong enough for an encore, but I enjoyed it a lot. When he threw his shirt in at the end I got an elbow in my chest (pain at one’s elbow) and was winded! Honestly, people (no, men) are too aggressive, it’s not worth trampling on someone’s head for a bit of Moz’s shirt; I’ve got a bit, so I know.
Banter: he was taking a lot, slagging off Michael BublURGH (‘England looks after it’s own’), David Cameron for shooting stags, and mentioning he was wearing a purple poppy for all the animals killed ‘against their will’ in the war. Were any willingly slaughtered, I wonder?! Good old Mozzy. I thought he was on good form; I’ve seen him when he’s been a right grumpy sod before, but he seemed up for it last night. His voice was strong, too. And the lights were quite good. My boyfriend said Moz looked ropey, but I didn’t think so.
I do have a couple of pics too, perhaps I’ll post later.
Bit disappointed there was no Nowhere Fast, but no worries. I still think the setlist wasn’t bad, despite my grumbles (it’s Moz, we’re allowed to grumble!)
Got out of there SMOOTHLY too. Very good indeed. Thanks Facebook. I enjoyed being on the guesty. Next stop: Molko in Manchester. Bring on the fine whines!

Sunday, 1 November 2009

The X Factor: Rock Week (and results!)

I'm doing the main show and the results in one hit as I am only just catching up now. So if I'm irrelevant, I apologise.
Rock week sounds hopeful. What are we going to have, Placebo, the Killers? No, Katie Perry.
What has Cheryl got on her boobs? Looks like a couple of hubcaps.
Little Joe, my little popstar, you get on my wick. Oh they've put him in a leather jacket. He's not exactly Ozzy Osbourne, is he? No idea what that song was, but it wasn't rock, in my opinion.
I prefer Cheryl with her hair up. Her big hair gets on my nerves.
Lucie looked good as a rock chick, like a more bearable Mel C. I quite liked her performance.
Aw Danyl is fucking up his song because no one likes him! The nation is bi-phobic! The bisexual community needs to get behind him. But his fucking up DID seem very stage managed. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon told him to force a tear out. I like Danyl. He looked very handsome this week. He can sing. Cheryl is a bitch for sticking it to him when he's down either way. Simon, you can't say someone is 'undoubtedly probably' the best singer in the competition, those things cancel each other out.
Katy Perry is not rock!!! It's cock, but not rock. Lloyd can't sing. Get rid. I've done better than that at karaoke. And shouldn't he change the lyrics to 'I kissed a guy'? Damn straights.
Stacey's doing Somewhere Only We Know! Keane's one good song! She's murdering it. That song is fun to sing, I used to have it on Singstar. She sounds out of time with the music. Her dancing is duff. I don't think she can concentrate on two things at once, if you know what I mean (she's thick). Louis said the song is boring. Wrong! That song is lush. Can't believe the judges thought that was OK.
Argh Jamie doing Get Your Rocks off. I notice they took 'whores keep whoring and junkies keep scoring' out of it. That's not very rock n roll. Get Your Rocks Off requires no ability to sing whatsoever. Please let me never hear it again. Louis is right. Kerrang does not endorse X Factor rock!
I like Rachel and (whisper it) I like that U2 song. Fuck what have they done to her hair? They've Danniified it! Bring back the mohawk. I don't think it's wise to change her image each week, as it makes it harder to identify with her for the casual viewer. Imagine if they shaved the twins heads?
The Jedward quiffs are getting massive! They are like Sampson. It's quite a neat trick to get them to sing that Queen song, as it has no tune. They didn't look very sexy this week though, which is a shame as I think them in eyeliner as a theory works well.
I hate the Beatles, but I thought Olly's voice sounded good. Thus ends Saturday's show.
And now tonight's show! I'm X-Factored out already, and this is with no adverts, and no Xtra factor! I hope Lloyd or Jamie go tonight.
John Bon Jovi! Is he made of plastic? He's not ageing, is he? Bon Jovi were the first band I ever saw live. Milton Keynes bowl! Good times. Lighters aloft.
JLS on a giant picnic table! I'd scream if any of them were the slightest bit good-looking. Aston Merrygold indeed. He looks 6.
An advert for Bon Jovi! What a coincidence (!) Lloyd and Rachel in the bottom two. Hope Lloyd goes.
I hate the way Cheryl acts so hard done by when it's one of hers; she's a manipulative shrew. Don't gvie Lloyd your sympathy vote! Send him back to his mummy!
Deadlock! Rachel's out. Shame. She looks defeated. Racist Britain strikes again. Hold your head up high girl, go get your mohawk and your mojo back.