The X Factor: 2 birds, one blog

Round up, round up.
Queen night! Well I guess Brian May's diary is free as long as the 5ive reunion isn't scheduled any time soon. Hey ho, I'm sure it's what Freddie would have wanted.
Well Jedward had already shouted their way through We Will Rock You a couple of weeks ago so that was their obvious choice gone. I was certain they were going to do Radio Gaga but the Vanilla Ice schtick was inspired. They genuinely have got better; and they make me laugh a lot. Stacey and them are the only acts I really look forward to. Jamie is turgid; Danyl is desperate, Joe is just plain shit. Olly ('I punch like a girl'= I'm a sexist) I can take or leave. My boyfriend reckons there's something sinister behind his broken fingers, I wouldn't like to speculate.
I don't think Simon should have apologised for saving Jedward; I don't he should apologise for anything, except having Cheryl as a judge. Modelling the Croydon facelift last night, she looked every inch the council-estate crony she is, and not like the Nation's Princess (tm).
Calvin 'I like all the girls' Harris! Officially less famous than Jedward and dissed by Louis. Ouch. Well it wasn't exactly Jarvis storming MJ at the Brits, was it?
The medley on the results show is hot with embarrassment. I'm always expecting them to sell me a car like on American Idol. Ah, there's Brian May. 5ive still aint come knocking.
Brian May likes 'the girl'. Yeah, she has a name. Does he call his wife 'the perm'?
Shakira: underneath your clothes, there's an endless story. I get her confused with Anastasia. Miming! My Little Phoney. Shakira's advice to contestants: 'Intelligent effort'! Well, it's better than Whitney gawping at the floor for crack crumbs, I guess.
Charity single! I'm still expecting them to sell me a car. Is this song by the people's paedo really suitable to raise money for kids? Now we really DO need the stage invasion from Jarvis/ Calvin/ a lone gunman. Where's Jedward? Ah they got four words. Don't fuck it up!
Ah an advert for Queen's greatest hits! What a pleasant coincidence.
When Joe went through my boyfriend said 'who's he?' which I think sums it up, really. Bit worried Jedward are vulnerable this week. Can't see Simon sticking his neck out again. I want Lloyd to go! Yay, Jedward are safe! Phew. Bye bye Lloyd.
Did Dannii get her My Little Pony hair off Shakira? Neigh! Where did Jamie get those trousers from? I like The Show Must Go On but he murders everything he does. Plus did we need more Freddie? Hasn't he been through enough tonight? Jamie did seem self-assured to me, though, and it's not surprising up against a singer than makes you pine for Eggnog Quiggles. Oh, it should have been Ethan.
Louis has so got it in for Jamie, he's such an arsehole. Jamie is clearly a better singer than Lloyd. Pathetic. Simon looked suitably startled. Thought Jamie took it very well- I think he realised that releasing a Leona-style pop single probably wasn't for him.
Jedward lives. Kill Lloyd. End.

The X Factor: Boot camp 2

So like everyone else I haven't really been enjoying the X Factor this year, but after them sucking the life out of the audition process, I actually enjoyed last night's boot camp, mainly because there were at least three good singers; Ethan (hot), the bloke who was a contestant on Deal or no Deal and that little mousy girl. So let's watch tonight as they don't get through. Oh my god, I didn't like those twins and their stupid dancing, cocky little cuntrags. I ALSO didn't like that girl doing that dire 'I'm telling you' song. When does shrieking count as singing? If I ever hear that song again, I'm gonna do a Michael Douglas. You have been warned.
I must say Dannii is looking quite sharp this year, I'm liking her hair. Cheryl's hair, on the other hand, ages her massively, and her crumpled forehead oh-its-another-person-I-beat-on-pop-rivals-once expression is getting rather boring. Can't we have a female judge with an opinion, instead of one who likes handbags? Get that bullying Sugababe on instead, at least she'll tell it to people straight.
Oh god, first contestant up tonight was a sub-par Chico (unbelievable that could be, I know.) I like the black girl with the afro.
Kandy Rain sounds like a porn star. And collectively, look a bit like one.
I felt sorry for the one in the pork pie hat who lost his voice, I kind of liked him. It's not his fault that he's ill. I reckon they might put him through, anyway.
Olly is the Deal or No Deal one (he's obviously a fame whore!) Yep, I still back him. He's a cheeky chappie.
I like the big afro dude, I don't think he's trying to hard. Simon can talk about being 'corny'; if any English person except him would ever use such a word.
I thought the chavvy girl was out of tune. But Simon fancies her, so she'll make it.
Oh dear; the bisexual guy did a jazzy Simply Red number. Big mistake!
Deliberations...
Yes sob story, your brother is pulling strings, by getting you this far. Hopefully that's it though. Ah, it was.
Yay Deal or No Deal and big afro guy got through, and that weird blonde guy (Daniel). I'm glad that black girl with the short stripy blonde bit in her hair got through, she was really good. Fuck those little twins though. EVIL!
'For you it's the end... of the bad news.' Cruel! The misspelt Danyl AND Ethan got through! Yay. You can tell they cut it this year so most of the people you got to know got through. The ones going home I hardly recognised.
Oh dear, the group category looks AWFUL. Good luck, Louis. Are you telling me Simon doesn't have a hand in deciding the categories? Please! Personally I think the best category is the girls. Dannii FTW.
PS: Two shows it too many, what with Xtra Factor, too. I feel X Factored out.