Big Brother Australia 2012: I need a Valium

Well, it took me about six months, but I just finished Big Brother Australia. The miracle was, I avoided the result until today, too. Avoiding the result of the winner of BBAU might sound like a breeze to you, but as an active member of the 'Big Brother community', it was a fucking arseache. I had to cover my eyes, turn podcasts down, avoid Twitter at certain times. Still, I'm so glad I did. I saved the final episode until tonight because I knew it was going to be a Friday night on my own, and I was absolutely thrilled with the result.
I couldn't get into the show AT ALL at first, and nearly gave up a few times. My boyfriend gave up after two episodes. The accents drove me mad. The host was annoying. Everyone seemed about ten years behind the UK. The 'secrets' secret task went on way too long and the protracted entering of housemates got on my nerves. In fact, I think it was just how cool the house looked that kept me interested for a week. I wanted that house to be the BBUK house. I also liked the wildlife - the weird birds in the garden.
But then something happened. Nothing in particular, I just wanted to watch the next episode, and the next. I didn't even particularly like ANYONE for at least a month. They were all so inoffensive they blended into one, and I felt like they had nothing interesting to say. But I'm so glad I stuck with it.
And what kept me with it was the production. Yes, the production! This show is lovingly made. The tasks were imaginative. The nominations were creative. They fiddled with them, in the form of a 'nominations superpower' and you still didn't object, because they did it in a smart way. The had the 'naughty corner' where you got sent for not wearing your microphone and they'd make you do ironing for a few hours. Big Brother didn't take no shit. I liked his style. 
Some of the tasks were absolutely brilliant and they should definitely steal them for our show. The David Attenborough task (WAS it David Attenborough? Sure sounded like him) where the housemates had to dress up as different animals and the voiceover said things like 'Angie is a monkey who likes to smear honey on her face. And through her hair. And then she sits and waits.' and 'Josh has cooked a delicious meal, but George the naughty monkey comes along and steals it' the housemate had to do whatever he said. It was hilarious! The 'unwelcome guests' task was also imspired, where housemates had to ignore people coming into the house, including the narrator of the show who sat on the bed and narrated what happened around him. I'd like to see Marcus Bentley do that. They also had to ignore their own parents and friends. Obviously it breaks the 'no contact with the outside world' rule but that drum broke long ago, didn't it, Rylan?
There was also an amazing 'Tree of Temptation' character (he even spoke like him on a cockney accent) in Surly the puffa fish who set the housemates secret tasks and got insanely jealous of the pet dog (more on her later). He was really funny. What happened to Surly after the show!? The host made a joke about battering him!
The nominations were inspired; housemates stood in a glass nominations booth with the other housemates sitting directly behind them, and had five points to nominate, and they could give one housemate 4 and another 5, or 3 and 2, and so on. It added a great Eurovision feel to the show. Also, Big Brother was really sarky to them when they were nominating, strict on their reasons for nominating, and threatened to throw one housemate out merely for saying 'hello Australia'. They also told them how many points they got, so it was very clear how unpopular you were.
The other weird part was the strangely positive feel to the show. BBAU is a family show, which sounds off-putting, but it meant they weren't constantly trying to make them kick off. They weren't even allowed to swear. There was slightly too much emphasis on the showmances, but there was enough bitching in the house to put our housemates to shame.  
Where to start with the actual housemates? Luckily, some of the annoying housemates got kicked out first; the sanctimonious Sarah and the thicker-than-two-short-planks Ryan (supposedly good looking, but he looked cross-eyed to me).Layla was the thick-but-pretty Brit, who I was CERTAIN was going to win. Estelle 'I'm mad, me' was in turns annoying and sympathetic, especially when the others turned slagging her off into a sport. Michael was another one I was thought had a good shot of winning, but he ended up sidelined and flailing. Then there was Josh, the supposed 'hunk of the house' who I didn't find remotely attractive (are the standards different in Australia?). I didn't like his personality and I found his 'ladies man' schtick quite annoying. He seemed popular within the house until he hooked up with a new housemate, who sucked the life out of him. He spent two weeks snogging her in a corner, which was excruciatingly boring to watch. She was a complete wet fish. I can't even remember what the girl was called and I just watched the final. I've never known a housemate come in and suck more out of a house, except maybe Rex's girlfriend in our series. The other 'intruder' Sam, was also a boring bastard. Housemates who come in late are never welcome. Sam well outstayed his.
There was one more intruder, Delilah the dog. She was absolutely beautiful. Can you imagine them being given a dog in the UK show? They'd accidentally kill it within a week. Delilah stayed for the whole show, and was rehomed in the final week, at which point I cried as if a dear friend had died. She was sooooo lovely.
Then there was Stacey, who we were constantly told was hilarious, and was about as funny as slamming your fingers in a door. I was thrilled with her 'shock' eviction. Bradley was the 'Ian from BBUS' of the show, socially inept and stuttering. I wish he'd gone further. Ray and George were both evicted too early, in my opinion. Ray was a Tom Cruise-esque vet who threw a strop about chocolate milk on his first night and had a hilarious arrogance. George was a nice-but-dim millionaire who said the word 'AY' at the end of every sentence. I almost switched off for all the 'ay's in the first two weeks. Then I got used to it. Angie was from the 'Gold Coast' which the others seemed to insinuate made her a bit of a chav. Zoe was the 'country girl' who the others all said was beautiful in their leaving speeches, because she wasn't. She threw her gameplan out the window by becoming Glen Close in the last two weeks.
About halfway through the show, Josh was called to the Diary Room to be told his brother had died. I thought the way the show handled this was absolutely brilliant. Obviously Josh wanted to leave to be with his family, so they switched off the cameras and let the others say goodbye to him. They showed a little bit of him waving goodbye (which he consented to) but it was very respectful. Can you IMAGINE them turning the cameras off in our show? I mean, seriously? They would milk it for all it was worth. They did milk it a few days later when they brought Josh back and interviewed him and generally fawned over him, but you couldn't really resent them (or him) for it. It was interesting to see how the housemates dealt with that, too.
The weird part with the bitching was, I didn't really take sides. I could kind of see everyone's point. Estelle was annoying at times. Sam was dull. Zoe went mental and started stalking Michael and blew her chances of winning. Ben went on too much and was moody. Michael was flaky. They all bed-hopped. It just seemed like a different sort of culture to ours, more free and easy. Layla had two boyfriends in the house and no one called her a slut. There felt like there was more of a dating culture, more fluidity between friends and romances and allegiances changed often. I think the showmance with Estelle and Michael at the end hurt his chances, and was just cabin fever on his part.
The final was a joy to watch. They are generally just more respectful of their housemates than we are and it was all geared towards a feel-good experience. Can you imagine the UK housemates doing a song and dance routine and singing along to Gangnam Style? Can you see Conor and Deana doing the conga? Me either. They'd be too busy giving each other daggers to be singing 'protein shake ala Luke S'.
The final three were self-styled 'gangsta' Estelle, who I'd flip-flopped over liking and not liking, and ended up in the 'not like' camp. She WAS desperate to win and her constantly going on about being 'weird' turned out to be a bit of a 'drainer'. I'm glad she went a long way though, because it drove the others mad. Layla, stupid, lovely Layla had chosen the most unflattering eviction outfit since Josie Gibson; she looked like a giant pink emu. Fair play to Layla and her woman's body, but it's that age old Big Brother problem that you go in and put on two stone (remember Jade busting out of that sugar pink dress?). Was Layla a princess (ie. a Prima Donna?) A bit. But I'm glad she came second. When Zoe moaned that Layla is just one of those girls who gets things, it's because Layla went out and got them, whilst Zoe sat there moaning.
And finally there was Ben. I'd wanted Ben to win for about six weeks now. Gay, bitchy, hilariously funny; he's everything you want in a Big Brother contestant. I don't think you could have been as big a shitstirrer as he was and won it over here. Some of the things he said were genuinely poisonous, but he always said it in such a funny way, and it was normally what I was thinking. I loved it when Estelle went out third and he threw this stupid toy horse she'd been hoarding since a task over the wall after her. Ben got away with murder. He was sanctimonious at times and he definitely didn't practice what he preached. But I loved him for it. I loved his flaws and his one liners, and his need to be loved. He was vulnerable. I also thought he was really cute, especially in his Jurassic Park t-shirt. 
It was wonderful to see his face when he won, and Layla was a really gracious runner up. I liked the fact they just showed him wandering dazed around the garden for ages; I always miss that bit of live feed where you see the winner freaking out on their own. I liked the fact he couldn't stop talking to Sonia. They sent his mum into the garden and he stood there gibbering, clutching the suitcase full of cash and went 'I need a Valium.' I could be friends with Benjamin. I even ended up liking the dopey host, and the So Good KFC Feel Good Moments, lol.
The best part was when Benjamin's boyfriend came on stage and Benjamin proposed to him and said 'I was going to do this even if I was chucked out first.' It was really like a fairytale, like when Danielle and Evil Dick made it to the final two; like I never thought Ben could win it. I always thought he'd come third. I'm so glad he had that moment - just when those pieces come together it's so rare but so nice.
So that's it. And I've realised what it is that Big Brother Australia has that our show doesn't, and it's charm. That's the ingedient we're missing, and it's not something that can be manufactured, and it's not something that the producers of our show even want. They want war. But that charm can be really powerful. That heartwarming feeling, and camaraderie, and positivity.
The Australian producers understand their own show. They understand the fanbase, whereas here we're completely disregarded. They have a long old season, too, 90 days! At the end of the show there was a good ten-minute trip down memory lane. It wasn't just 'thanks for your money, fuck off and see you next time.' When Benjamin won, there wasn't a boo in sight.
Congrats Benjamin, you deserve it. Even six months later. Next stop: Canada.

The X Factor: The Final(s)

This blog is seriously tardy but I was away for the weekend (seeing Placebo! Blog to follow) and am just watching the X Factor now. Through serious willpower and switching off my phone I have avoided the result entirely! Go me. Although I almost got caught out first thing with a glimpse of The Wright Stuff but switched it off just in time!
I did catch Saturday's show late on Saturday night and was unsurprised to see Stacey well and truly jibbed. On first, and given Michael Buble, who's name I can barely spell, whilst Olly was given Robbie Williams, and 'my little popstar' got George Michael. Stacey was the fall girl, and she knew it, I think. The less said about Olly's version of Superstition the better. Plus his sixhead looks like it's going into battle with Ant McPartlin's.
So now I don't really care who wins as I don't like either. Olly wants to win so bad, the desperation is rolling off him. Send him back to the call centre. Little Joe shows little emotion either way, he's just beyond boring.
It pisses me off when they sing a song they've sung before in the final, it's so cheap. You're supposed to be in training to be a popstar! Simon said 'Olly's giving not 112% but 150%'. Well I always minus points for anything over 100, so in actual fact he's only giving 50%. It's just not good enough.
Twist and Shout is such a dreadful song. I just don't get it. Louis described Olly as 'bubbly'. So that's why his shirts are so tight.
What are these awful songs they are singing? I feel like I'm at a really shit musical. Last night wasn't much better either.
Aw Alexandra and JLS! Last year was better. Leona is good, too. We've had the dregs this year.
So who have they made the song suit so that person is bound to win? Let's find out.
Mountains! I can move, move, move any mountain! Strings. Choir. Fireworks! Are you crying yet? Olly is; so vote. (Oh, it was a day ago)
Ok I want Olly to win now. He did sing the end of that song well. Plus I'm sick of the Joe support.
Christ they are dragging this fucker out and I've fast forwarded half of it.
George Michael! Didn't say much to Dermy. Paul McCartney! I'd rather watch Heather Mills on Dancing on Ice. Unless he's going to do the Frog Chorus with Jedward I don't wanna know.
Oh Dermot get out from Macca's bum-hole. It's cringeworthy. He's just a sad old man in a wig.
I want to see the rampant home crowds after their pick has lost. Now that would be funny. Watch them cry!
I liked Joe's reaction when he won, he looked like he was going to pass out. Olly was a gracious loser, too.
Even so. If Jedward aren't richer/ more successful than Joe in 3 years time I'd be surprised. Bring on Celeb Big Brother!

The X Factor: Semi Final

Disclaimer: I'm a bit hungover so I think this is going to be a bit of a mean blog. Sorry contestants.
They are gonna give it 150%! Just watch them. Oh are we still bigging up Michael Jackson? Zzzz. Is he mentoring from beyong the grave via Derek Acorah? Him and his songs and his 'legacy' and his family can just go bury themselves, as far as I'm concerned. The ongoing hysteria is unedifying, let him rest, and let me not have to hear about him, please.
Hearing them going on about their 'dream' and not wanting to go back to the day job is just getting boring now. Olly looked and sounded awful; his sixhead looked enormous tonight. Going 'woo!' in a song is unforgivable, I don't care if it's MJ week.
I had to fast forwards Joe for reasons of taste and decency. It's just boring as fuck. But do you know what? I have faith that the British public will support an underdog over this bland little robot.
I thought Stacey seemed nervous. Her 'dancing' wasn't good and it affected her voice. Great; are we going to have an all (dull) boy final? Oh dear; Dannii pulled out the 'infected teeth' defence. This doesn't bode well.
I thought Danyl was the best of the lot vocally. *awaits barbed comment from Cheryl* Omg, she stood up. Perhaps she had a wedgie.
2nd song. Olly's song was awful; you can tell Simon chose it. His dancing is beyond rubbish. I think he could be vulnerable this week. I'd rather see him go than Stacey.
I know the song Joe sung that Simon said no one knew. Wish I didn't though.
The second song Stacey sang was dire, whatever they said. Again Danyl was the best, but the fireworks and everything smacked of desperation a bit. God I feel so grumpy about X Factor today. I apologise. Bring back Lloyd. (Not really)

The X Factor: The Zzz factor

Sorry I've been neglectful of my blog this week; there just doesn't seem to be that much good on telly. I'm a Celebrity is virtually unwatchable. They killed Owen in Enders. And now Jedward is out of the X Factor, can it be any good? I don't love any of the contestants in it. I like Stacey, and that's about it.
Theme: Take That and Elton John. When will it be Placebo week? (Never). I hope someone does a Million Love Songs, that's my fave. But just don't let it be Lloyd. Danyl on first! Is it his turn to go?
God I HATE Cheryl Cole. Why is she so sour? I know she married an idiot, but don't take it out on us, you hard-faced cow.
It was nice to see Danyl dancing around. I thought he did well, and I thought he looked kinda sexy. Don't stick the knife in, Dannii. Cheryl said he was 'camp.' Would she say that to Joe, or Lloyd?
Haha, Cheryl pulled 'little popstar' out to describe Lloyd again! How much does she get paid for just repeating the same old trot? It's useless. Oh christ, it IS Lloyd doing Million Love Songs. Boo.
What is Olly wearing? He looks like a pudgy baby in a jumpsuit. Sang OK though, except for the hideous cheesiness of it all.
Urgh, Joe. Can we ever get rid of him? I'm pining for Jedward.
I thought Stacey was really good, and I hate that Take That song. That girl can sing.
Now for the Elton John tyranny. This show is too long. Lloyd; awful. Danyl sung in the wrong key. Still; I'm glad he got good comments.
Olly; are those bikini-clad women strictly necessary? Joe was Joe. Please don't let him win. Stacey didn't do as well on the second song.
I'm finding it hard to care this week. Will blog something good in the week instead.

The X Factor: Jedward; I know it's over.

So George Michael couldn't be bothered to get out of his car and come to the studio; probably too busy having a bifta at home. I like some George Michael songs, namely Freedom (by Wham) and Praying for Time, neither of which were sung by our contestants last night.
Jedward looked sharp, Danyl sounded a bit off, Stacey did a song I'd never heard George sing in my life, Olly did the worst George Michael song of all time (Fast Love) and when Joe 'my little popstar' did the best performance of the night, it is deeply upsetting. I forgot to mention Lloyd? As he was on first, let's hope the voters did, too. That's clearly what the producers are hoping.
My mum told me Cheryl is having an affair with Joe! Joe! What magazine has she been reading? Disturbing News Monthly? World's Biggest Lies?
So they've dug up the Boyle. Yeah I get it, ugly person can sing. Next! (mind you, I always feel a bit nervous when they get her to speak, which is quite diverting)
Ah, now it's Maria cuntbag Carey. GIVE HER THE KITTENS! Give her the doves. Then punch her smug fucking face. Is she miming?! What is that effect on her voice? It sounds like it's been through the fairylight mixer. My god, she sounded like a struggling dolphin at the end. Fetch me some tuna!
FUCK! Is it the end of 'young kids love them' Jedward (again!) How can this be? SOB! Get rid of Olly!
Damn the people booing Jedward as they stand in one place singing that shitty Boyzone song out of tune. Jedward are lush. Aw it was like kids singing at your door at Christmas! *pets them*
Why is Olly singing in a faux american accent? Get lost, Olly. This song sucks.
Dannii 'is it a singing competition?' No, it's a entertainment programme! Shame no one was listening to her.
In the words of Emmy the Great (almost): Farewell to (J)ed, for (J)ed is dead. BOO. Fuck you, world. PS: Olly, your popularity is on the wane, big time. You broke our favourite toy. :-(

The X Factor: 2 birds, one blog

Round up, round up.
Queen night! Well I guess Brian May's diary is free as long as the 5ive reunion isn't scheduled any time soon. Hey ho, I'm sure it's what Freddie would have wanted.
Well Jedward had already shouted their way through We Will Rock You a couple of weeks ago so that was their obvious choice gone. I was certain they were going to do Radio Gaga but the Vanilla Ice schtick was inspired. They genuinely have got better; and they make me laugh a lot. Stacey and them are the only acts I really look forward to. Jamie is turgid; Danyl is desperate, Joe is just plain shit. Olly ('I punch like a girl'= I'm a sexist) I can take or leave. My boyfriend reckons there's something sinister behind his broken fingers, I wouldn't like to speculate.
I don't think Simon should have apologised for saving Jedward; I don't he should apologise for anything, except having Cheryl as a judge. Modelling the Croydon facelift last night, she looked every inch the council-estate crony she is, and not like the Nation's Princess (tm).
Calvin 'I like all the girls' Harris! Officially less famous than Jedward and dissed by Louis. Ouch. Well it wasn't exactly Jarvis storming MJ at the Brits, was it?
The medley on the results show is hot with embarrassment. I'm always expecting them to sell me a car like on American Idol. Ah, there's Brian May. 5ive still aint come knocking.
Brian May likes 'the girl'. Yeah, she has a name. Does he call his wife 'the perm'?
Shakira: underneath your clothes, there's an endless story. I get her confused with Anastasia. Miming! My Little Phoney. Shakira's advice to contestants: 'Intelligent effort'! Well, it's better than Whitney gawping at the floor for crack crumbs, I guess.
Charity single! I'm still expecting them to sell me a car. Is this song by the people's paedo really suitable to raise money for kids? Now we really DO need the stage invasion from Jarvis/ Calvin/ a lone gunman. Where's Jedward? Ah they got four words. Don't fuck it up!
Ah an advert for Queen's greatest hits! What a pleasant coincidence.
When Joe went through my boyfriend said 'who's he?' which I think sums it up, really. Bit worried Jedward are vulnerable this week. Can't see Simon sticking his neck out again. I want Lloyd to go! Yay, Jedward are safe! Phew. Bye bye Lloyd.
Did Dannii get her My Little Pony hair off Shakira? Neigh! Where did Jamie get those trousers from? I like The Show Must Go On but he murders everything he does. Plus did we need more Freddie? Hasn't he been through enough tonight? Jamie did seem self-assured to me, though, and it's not surprising up against a singer than makes you pine for Eggnog Quiggles. Oh, it should have been Ethan.
Louis has so got it in for Jamie, he's such an arsehole. Jamie is clearly a better singer than Lloyd. Pathetic. Simon looked suitably startled. Thought Jamie took it very well- I think he realised that releasing a Leona-style pop single probably wasn't for him.
Jedward lives. Kill Lloyd. End.

The X Factor (and Xtra factor!): In Brief

I did watch the X factor live last night but was a bit tired to blog. I thought Stacey was good and was annoyed by Simon's comment that she was 'vulnerable', she was sexy and her voice sounded really nice. Olly has a good voice and was lumbered with a bad song. Danyl was on form; I'm sick of that sour-faced Cheryl Cole digging him out. Lucy seems to have been put in a 'teemo' category, and it doesn't suit her because it's not her natural style. And what was with the Stacey impression? That shit is catching. Lloyd needs to go home- tonight. And why do the judges rave about Jamie and Joe? I thought they were both flat. Jedward were genius, obviously. Ghostbusters? Inspired.
Why DO the contestants wear the same clothes on the friday and saturday show? Can't they afford another set? Credit crunch.
Black Eyed Peas! Made Jedward look credible. Can you think of a worst band on the planet? I can't. Is there an UGLIER band on the planet? I doubt it. Thank fuck for fast forward.
Leona is pretty good, isn't she? I mean it's not my thing but she's got a hell of a voice on her. Mind out for those loopy fans, Leona- wear a helmet!
I'm actually pretty shocked Jedward were in the bottom two. I thought they had millions of fans?! It will suck if they go, and I can't see how they can survive with the judges voting. Boo! Don't think Lucie should be in the bottom though, either. Her sing-off song was crap, though.
Oh christ, John and Edwards sing off-song was Rock DJ, the worst song of all time. Watching them bobbing about for their little lives was quite sad.
I felt quite nervous when they were deciding! Didn't think Simon would take it to deadlock, LOL! Hope he saved Jedward. Haha, he did! Poor Lucie.
Danni said 'it should never have happened!' Hehehe! Jedz on the Xtra Factor 'what's a backlash?' You're about to find out.

The X Factor: Rock Week (and results!)

I'm doing the main show and the results in one hit as I am only just catching up now. So if I'm irrelevant, I apologise.
Rock week sounds hopeful. What are we going to have, Placebo, the Killers? No, Katie Perry.
What has Cheryl got on her boobs? Looks like a couple of hubcaps.
Little Joe, my little popstar, you get on my wick. Oh they've put him in a leather jacket. He's not exactly Ozzy Osbourne, is he? No idea what that song was, but it wasn't rock, in my opinion.
I prefer Cheryl with her hair up. Her big hair gets on my nerves.
Lucie looked good as a rock chick, like a more bearable Mel C. I quite liked her performance.
Aw Danyl is fucking up his song because no one likes him! The nation is bi-phobic! The bisexual community needs to get behind him. But his fucking up DID seem very stage managed. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon told him to force a tear out. I like Danyl. He looked very handsome this week. He can sing. Cheryl is a bitch for sticking it to him when he's down either way. Simon, you can't say someone is 'undoubtedly probably' the best singer in the competition, those things cancel each other out.
Katy Perry is not rock!!! It's cock, but not rock. Lloyd can't sing. Get rid. I've done better than that at karaoke. And shouldn't he change the lyrics to 'I kissed a guy'? Damn straights.
Stacey's doing Somewhere Only We Know! Keane's one good song! She's murdering it. That song is fun to sing, I used to have it on Singstar. She sounds out of time with the music. Her dancing is duff. I don't think she can concentrate on two things at once, if you know what I mean (she's thick). Louis said the song is boring. Wrong! That song is lush. Can't believe the judges thought that was OK.
Argh Jamie doing Get Your Rocks off. I notice they took 'whores keep whoring and junkies keep scoring' out of it. That's not very rock n roll. Get Your Rocks Off requires no ability to sing whatsoever. Please let me never hear it again. Louis is right. Kerrang does not endorse X Factor rock!
I like Rachel and (whisper it) I like that U2 song. Fuck what have they done to her hair? They've Danniified it! Bring back the mohawk. I don't think it's wise to change her image each week, as it makes it harder to identify with her for the casual viewer. Imagine if they shaved the twins heads?
The Jedward quiffs are getting massive! They are like Sampson. It's quite a neat trick to get them to sing that Queen song, as it has no tune. They didn't look very sexy this week though, which is a shame as I think them in eyeliner as a theory works well.
I hate the Beatles, but I thought Olly's voice sounded good. Thus ends Saturday's show.
And now tonight's show! I'm X-Factored out already, and this is with no adverts, and no Xtra factor! I hope Lloyd or Jamie go tonight.
John Bon Jovi! Is he made of plastic? He's not ageing, is he? Bon Jovi were the first band I ever saw live. Milton Keynes bowl! Good times. Lighters aloft.
JLS on a giant picnic table! I'd scream if any of them were the slightest bit good-looking. Aston Merrygold indeed. He looks 6.
An advert for Bon Jovi! What a coincidence (!) Lloyd and Rachel in the bottom two. Hope Lloyd goes.
I hate the way Cheryl acts so hard done by when it's one of hers; she's a manipulative shrew. Don't gvie Lloyd your sympathy vote! Send him back to his mummy!
Deadlock! Rachel's out. Shame. She looks defeated. Racist Britain strikes again. Hold your head up high girl, go get your mohawk and your mojo back.

The X Factor: Eating a sandwich whilst swimming

It's sunday, so time for me to sit in bed in my nightie catching up on last night's caterwauling- hurrah!
Oh, it's Big Band night. Urgh. Is there anyone on the planet who thinks 'great- big band week!'. I don't have much to say about Olly or Lloyd, except the song was too low for Lloyd. Even if it was Brian Molko doing big band week I'd hate it. It's just against sanity.
Christ that rap by Miss Frank was AWFUL. I liked the red lipstick though. The judges always say the exact opposite of what I think.
Bring back Rachel's quiff! I can't believe Rachel is 18. She looks 30! Did someone put something in her drink, she was so loopy afterwards. I think I preferred her sulky with the quiff.
Is INXS big band? Er, no. Oh, it's U2. Same thing.
Dermot has said 'in your comfort zone' about 30 times so far tonight. It reminds me of the second time that I followed you home...
Stacey did sound out of tune, but who cares? You can't kick her out, it's like drowning a kitten.
I thought Danyl was pretty good- the best so far.
Please get rid of 'little' Joe. I'd rather watch mould grow on my windowsill. I like Lucie though.
John and Edward: still can't sing. Nice balloons. I don't think Ricky Martin is big band, either. I must admit, I did contemplate the John and Edward threesome for the first time tonight, but couldn't take it seriously.
Quite lacklustre tonight. We need a pop or rock week, or one where they choose their own songs.

The X Factor: Slow motion suicide

I'm enjoying my Saturday nights now, and catching up with X Factor on Sunday afternoon, with no fear of finding out the result. Nice one, Simon.
Christ, where did they dig Whitney Houston up from? Annoying back in the day, and even more annoying now we're expected to forget about the ten year crack-fest. Grr!
And with Louis at Stephen Gately's funeral, the show is looking shakier than ever. Will he have just one single group to come back to? It makes you realise that it's all a load of old rubbish, really. RIP Stephen, and C-U-N-T Jan Moir (yeah, I think everything has been said on that subject already).
Diva week seems a bit unfair on some of the blokes, doesn't it?
Why is Whitney hanging out with Frank Butcher? Why is Simon Cowell bigging up Frank Butcher? 'The most legendary person in music ever...' Frank Butcher? WTF? This a farce! He's not even the best car-lot owner.
I thought Lucie looked good, and she did well to sing such a lightweight song when she probably wanted to do a belter. Thought Cheryl was a bit cruel to her. Cheryl's acts are a load of balls and she's definitely on the defensive. The bigger the hair, the worse the attitude.
I like Dannii's La Foux-style hair. Dannii does seem cooler this year. Is all it takes a haircut? Cheryl, take note.
The song Olly sang was awful but there's just something inherently likeable about him. He can sing, too and he's a bit different.
Christ, they've made the pretty, scraggy-haired black one from Miss Frank very blonde! I like Miss Frank. They are kind of mismatched and came together by accident and there's something good about that, serendipitous. I like the little curvy one, too. Fuck you, Simon. Keep Miss Frank in! He was particularly harsh considering Louis isn't even there to defend them.
I like Rachel's fuschia lipstick! Rachel is super-cool. They made her up like a clown last week and I don't think it helped. Oh dear, they've gone a bit overboard on the blusher again. I agree with Simon's comments- Dannii is getting Rachel's styling/ personality a bit wrong. Nice jacket, though. Does Beyonce have any songs that aren't sexist against either men or women?
I hate Joe, and I hate 'Where do Broken Hearts Go'. Fuck off. I don't get why they all love him so much, he's fucking rubbish from start to finish. Go to your room!
I like Danyl, and I think Cheryl is just being a bi-phobic bint. And yes, I'm still pissed off about Ethan. Oh, he did sound a bit off during that, though. These songs bore the crap out of me. I'm losing the will. How can anyone watch this show live with the adverts too, I'd be self harming by this point?
If I hear Cheryl Cole say 'little popstar' one more time I might punch myself in the face in protest. Lloyd: zzzz. He reminds me of Eoghan Quigg. He sounded flat too.
Simon, control yourself! he 'fell in love with' Olly, and described Lloyd as 'cute'. Hmm.
Cheryl squeezed out some tears to save her little popstar! Sweet (vomit).
Fucking hell, John and Edward were even worse than last week! Even I can sing better than that. What a pair of tools. WTF was that bit in the middle where they did some Titanic ad lib? Fuck a duck. Keep them in! This is amazingly ridiculous.
Oh I forgot about this last guy who did Respect (I wonder why?). Get rid! Oh and Jamie Afro too. I'm flagging badly now. This song is dreadful.
I'm not sure even Stacey can perk me up right now. Oh dear, Cheryl said 'little popstar' again. *breaks own nose*
God, could Simon get his tongue out of Whitney's jacksee? And as for Frank Butcher. Send him back to Pat/ Peggy/ Janine.

New: X Factor results show

Gately is dead, no Louis but the show must go on, because ching ching, there's cash to made. So they've made it like American Idol and made them sing a really shit song at the start to make us all cringe. 'Tonight's going to be a good night' was perhaps not that suitable an opening song in light of a tragic death, but there you go. Dermot'll give us a cud and make it all better.
I kind of hope the twins don't go out a bit, because watching them dig their own hole is quite funny.
Ah, this is the reason for the 2nd live show! More voting, more money for Cowell's coffers.
Alexandra Burke; not just as good as Leona Lewis. Nice try though, love. Her hair looks good, so that's the main thing. Hold on, is she miming? Surely not!
Haha, Dannii had to apologise for her bi-bashing last night! Don't diss the bi's Dannii, they are a much maligned minority. It cant be easy for them, all that choice.
Robbie William's 'performance' was like watching a knackered old car-horn that had grown an ego farting round a stage for five minutes. Awful. He looked a bit 'twinkly eyed' to me as well. Sniff!
Haha, that's funny they put John and Edward through first. LOL! More rubbishness to come. I reckon it might be Kandy Rain at the bottom.
Christ, look at Rachel's blusher! The make-up artist really hates her. Fuck, she better not be in the bottom two. Shit, she is.
All women in the bottom two, and a black woman at that. Good old GBP.
At least they sing a different song, I couldn't suffer through those same ones again.
Aw Rachel looks crushed. This isn't fair. I thought both performances were quite good. At least they gave Louis a vote by proxy.
OMG deadlock! Those racy clothes paid off after all. I'm glad it went to the viewers vote. I'm glad Rachel stayed too, although I thought Kandy Rain were good. That's sexism for you.
I can tell X Factor is going to go badly this year from the championing of Jamie and John. Zzzzzz. I'd rather watch Dating in the Dark.

Eastenders: Ginger Wedding Horror

Another day, another miserable bride. I didn't like Stacey's dress either. It was too tight. She had that awful granny hairdo like Sarah from Corrie. The dressed-up Winehouse.
Bradley: 'She's too good for me. I can't believe my luck. the most beautiful girl in the Square' (well, next to Heather and that's about it). Has he been looking at the same hamster-faced Stacey as me for the past year or two? She hasn't smiled once, not even 'in the delight and tenderness of sexual union' (er... what sort of marriage vows are they?) with Max.
It was quite a tense Eastenders: well for the first 15 minutes or so. So it should be though, they've been building this storyline up for literally YEARS. There was still a fair bit of dross and filler.
Sean is hot, even though he looks like a maniac teddy bear. I definitely have a soft spot for gingers. Stacey's mum needs shooting.
I liked it when Stacey ran off into the little room and all her ginger men crowded in after her. 'She's hysterical.' said Max. But she wasn't. Max, you rat! I liked it when he said sorry. There was a continuity error when he unzipped Stacey's dress then it was zipped again. Also, 'I'm going to get changed in the car'. What!?
The question is this: why did Lauren leave a video camera taping in her mum and dad's BEDROOM? That's a bit weird isn't it? And also, was that the longest videotape EVER?
Still it drags on. Still we watch.