Saturday, 29 March 2008

American Idol: 'Molten Hot'

OK about five days late and so I only started paying attention halfway through, but bear with me. Firstly, and most importantly, will Paula stop saying NITCH? I's not fucking NITCH you thick fuck, it's NICHE. NICHE!!!! The next time you say NITCH I'm going to put my fucking foot through the telly! And that goes for people who say CLICK too. It's fucking CLIQUE!!!! I know you're thick and American but for fuck's sake. Get a fucking grip.
Oh yeah and Paula's leather gloves. She must have had sweaty hands.
So let's get down to the nitty gritty ABUSE (I mean, critique). Carly. Frowny, but I like her. She did karaoke classic, turn around bright eyes (or whatever the fuck it's called.) I like it, cos it has Bright Eyes in the title. What of it?
Michael Johns- Aussie. He did a medley. Is that allowed? It seems like cheating. I like him as well though.
David Archu... you know, the one who's a child. Theme park performance! Truth. Also, camp as always. He doesn't do it for me, perhaps because I'm not a pervy old man.
Cliche spot: 'you could sing the phone book' and 'ghastly' by SC. I LOVE it when he says 'ghastly'.
Krusty Le Crab (the one who WONT DIE) shamelessly cheated by singing some song that would appeal to braindead patriotic Americans, GOD BLESS AMERICA, which showed evil genius. Kind of shot herself in the foot by saying as a kid when she sang 'people were all like shut up and you're getting on my nerves'. Yes, just like now. She always gets in by the backdoor, just like George Bush. Possibly she's a lizard. Keep an eye out.
David 'bob bob bob' Cook- the first baby in history to have a receeding hairline. Yeah, he is a total fish-face but he DOES have a good voice, and he took a risk with Billie Jean. So good on him. My other favourites are Polly-Pocket Ramielle, who requires you to say 'she's cute' at least once every time she's on the screen. And Carly.
Was sad to see Chikeeeeeeeeze go in a way, he was kind of smooth, I liked him a bit. I don't really like Syesha, I think she's a bit smug. Brooke I sort of like but she's a bit hit and miss. And she can't take criticism.
PS. How sexy were all the mums?!

Sleeping With My Sister

A bit late with this one so bear with me! 'One thing led to another'. A common phrase, but it's not that simple is it? It almost sounds accidental when you put it like that. As Eminem once eloquently put 'what you tripped, fell, landed on his dick?' Aside from that, I'm on their side, really.
This documentary followed half brother and sister Nick and Danielle who grew up apart but met when he was 26 and she was 21. Is it weirder if they look a bit alike? Or is it the shared blood that makes it weird? I can understand the attraction might be strong, it's all that fancying people that look like yourself thing, isn't it? but I thought we were genetically engineered not to fancy our siblings? I have a half sister and I think I'd find it quite peculiar if either of my brothers went out with her, but mainly because we all look so alike? I don't know, I wouldn't disown anybody, I'd just think they were quite fucked up. But they are anyway. My dad might feel quite differently.
Their mum caught them having sex! That must have been quite dramatic. And they are being prosecuted for incest. In whose interest is it to charge them? I felt sorry for them. Personally, my thoughts on it are, if they want to sleep with each other, they aren't hurting anyone else (well except their parents, but we all do that sometimes). As long as they don't have children, who cares? It's not my business, let them get on with it. It may seem strange, but I don't really feel like judging them. I grew up on the Flowers in the Attic books and I was firmly on their side! I think people lack compassion and the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. They weren't even allowed to be in contact whilst the case was ongoing. What a waste of time and money. The court eventually ruled they weren't allowed to have sex again. Seeing them entwined in each other's arms, I suspect that pigs might be flapping overhead.
The documentary also followed another couple, Tom and Stephanie, also half-brother and sister, but this time married (to other people). They met three years ago for the first time and now cheat on their husbands and wives with each other once a week! Perhaps don't go on telly and admit that? Just a thought.First couple- genuine agony and I felt for them. Second couple- mild narcissism and very cavalier, not much sympathy there.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Big Brother USA: John you are WRONG!

Big Brother USA was brilliant as usual tonight. It's so much more exciting than the UK version it's untrue. It has moments of real tension and pure shouting-at-the-telly-ness.
I was so happy James got off the block, but unfortunately this meant Chelsia was doomed. She dealt with it exactly as I would, by throwing a massive hissy fit and telling everyone exactly what she thought of them. I loved it!
James was a complete div to distance himself from her and not give her his vote, considering he's meant to be in love with her. I was quite disappointed with him. He was being a bit obnoxious really. It's a massive shame Chelsia has gone, she was really cool. Being voted out for being 'a potty mouth' is admirable. I loved it when she gave them one-liners about what pricks they were as she left. I would totally have done that too. As for Natalie saying 'my family would disown me if I acted like that'- wait until they see you giving Matty a blowjob on the second night, you god-bothering, goblin faced doink! I wanted to punch her when she told Chelsia she'd pray for her. Don't bother, you boggle-eyed moron. You're going to burn in hell for what you've done according to the bible which you keep preaching from. John, how can you even LIKE her??? She thought Alzheimers was called 'all-timers' and it wasn't even cute like when Chantelle was thick. I am going to use my blog to personally attack you until you change your ways! You have been warned.
Joshuah was brilliant as usual, an evil genius. He's totally dastardly! And Ryan backed him up. Hilarious.
So will Chelsia and James live happily ever after? Not likely after she sees his deadpan gay porno. Personally, I've been more aroused by episodes of Coronation Street.
It was a complete and utter disaster that Natalie won Head of Household, now all the goodies are going to be knocked out one by one and we get stuck looking at Sheila's turkey neck and Ryan's Desperate Dan chin. Still, it will be fun to see them turn on each other in the end, preferably with large sticks.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

The Apprentice: Money, Money, Money

I hate The Apprentice, but I think you're meant to. No revamps for old Alan, same old set, same old sour-faced cronies, same old cunts trying to work for him. Oh no, they are different aren't they? They just seem the same personality-less, materialistic, cunty, nasty, braggy, shit-spouting dickwads as every other time (except probably two of them that are alright, but who knows who they are yet).
Stand-out twats so far: backcombed vampire guy, cockney wideboy, and petulant schoolboy. One to watch could be Alex (who was the project manager) who looked enough like Ethan Hawke to make me not want him to leave. OK, it was a 99p store version, but I'll take what I can get. He had nice eyes, but looked like he was wearing lipstick, so you gotta take the rough with the... CUT!
The women, also twats: eyebrows of joy (nah, I really did like them, they were cool), 'the best salesperson in Europe' in a sick-coloured shirt, and one in a pink beret. Berets are never good. Yes I did talk about the women solely in terms of their personal appearance, but I don't feel like being a feminist fighting machine today! Besides, these bitches can fight their own battles.
Cliche spotting: I forgot to pay proper attention to this, but I did notice an unnecessary '110%', 'cat amongst the pigeons', and a 'prince and a pauper' (what?!) The dude with the big nose totally fucked himself by blathering 'you're not as educated as me' what he meant, of course was, posh. Big mistake! Alan has PACKED BOXES for a living! He did his time like the rest of us commoners!
Oh yeah, and the task was something to do with fish but it was very, very boring.

Extraordinary People: The Man Without a Face

Fucking hell! He'd lived like that since he was 14! 14!!!! HOW???
Words cannot describe. I'm nowhere near good enough a writer. It did look exactly like a mask. The poor man didn't even seem human.
It turned out Jose was a Jehovah's witness, and did not want to receive blood when he had his operation. How could you worship any God who'd done that to you? However, they could not operate without a tranfusion, so he had to choose between an imaginary delusion, and his face! For God's sake. Or not. So he buggers off and thinks about it for six months! This guy seems very laid back about having a giant tumour and talking like Darth Vader. Way, way too laid back, in fact.
I actually got annoyed with him towards the end. How boneheaded do you have to be to rather live in complete discomfort than to get a transfusion? I felt sorry for his sister, who was doing her best to look after him. In the end they decided to chip off a bit at a time. How could he not want the lot off IMMEDIATELY??? I really think he was too scared to have the op. Maybe he just got used to the way he was.
Bit disappointed he didn't have the op, I wanted his face to be revealed like in Extreme Makeover. Incidentally, what effect must programmes like that have on people like these?
Why do I watch this stuff? I think I'm determined to look the horror of life right in the eye, then convince myself it's safer to just do nothing. Or maybe I'm just a sick voyeur.
The only amusing thing about this documentary was that the gave Jose the voice of a slightly camp Northern man. That was the only sliver of relief!

Monday, 24 March 2008

Eastenders- The Kill Bill meets Shallow Grave Editon

Fridays Eastenders was amazing, tonights was pretty good too. Tanya and Sean need to go to grave-digging school because they did bury Max in the shallowest grave EVER. And why did they buy a coffin? Who sells coffins to people without a body? They should have just bundled him in the ground. I felt quite strongly that Max did deserve murdering on Friday. It was a bit sick to do it in the way he was most afraid of. They should have just brained him first.
It was completely out of character for Tanya to turn into a cold-blooded killer, but hey. It was all good silly fun. I enjoyed Max's calls from the grave. Fair enough he lost his signal pretty quick but he could have whiled away the time playing Tetris on his phone or reading Stacey's old text messages until the battery ran out.
I was pleased Tanya went back in a way, I don't think she could have coped with the guilt. I thought she wouldn't be able to find him at first. I thought Max was going to kill her and put her in the grave for a bit. I hoped she might change her mind and shove him back in. I think he might have wanted to go back in once she started giving him a spiel about how he'd wronged her. But at least they were having an honest coversation at last!
I cried with laughter when Max started crying and saying he was sorry after Tanya had tried to kill him. I thought they were going to get back together for a bit! After all, they are kind of even now, and Tanya has shown she won't take no more shit.
So what next for Sean? I think he might top himself. I felt a bit sorry for him. He helped her murder her husband, then she just told him to fuck off. Harsh!
It was a miracle in the end because I actually felt sorry for Max, something I never thought possible. It took him half dying though. I'm amazed he didn't want to get revenge on Sean thoough, but maybe he'll come back for a bit.
All in all, Eastenders is back on form, but I was a bit disappointed Max got out so soon though. They normally drag these things out forever and I was hoping to see him turn up later in the week covered in mud, dressed in a yellow jumpsuit weilding a Samuri sword.
Maybe next time?

Thursday, 20 March 2008

Extraordinary People: The Girls With Too Much Skin

Actually the announcer at the beginning was right- these programmes make you wonder why you ever complain. I was so shocked by the initial image of one of the sisters as a baby. She did look just like an alien, which I feel safe to say, because her dad said it. I've never seen anything like it. I was literally in a state of shock for the first ten minutes of this show, I cried my eyes out. It was so horrific. if you didn't actually see it, I wouldn't know how to explain.
The sisters have a condition (a defective gene again, a meeting of two defective genes) which makes them grow as much skin in a day as a normal person does in two weeks. I had images of the skin kind of hanging off, but actually it just looks really swollen and painful. It affects one person in a million. They have to scrub their skin down twice a day for two hours. It just looks bright red and they just cry. It just looked so unbelievably painful. How can they cope? I just don't understand how people can cope with such awful things. I can't understand how they can have another baby with odds of one in four, and risk it all over again, what amazingly brave people. The girls just seemed so nice and normal. No one deserves that.
The programme also covered another family with the defective 'Harlequin' gene. Again, the picture of the girl as a baby was just utterly shocking. I can't imagine what they must have thought when she was born. I guess now they are older they kind of look like burns victims, but that must be from the constant rubbing of the skin.
Will science eventually cure all these things? I bloody hope so. Anyone who says 'that's the way nature intended things' needs shooting. No one should have to live in pain.

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Big Brother USA- Avenge! Avenge!

There might be only two of us watching it, but this is the best thing on telly at the moment by a country mile. It's truly entertaining in every sense of the word, it feels like much more of a soap opera and a gameshow than our BB. Our BB is more like a wildlife documentary.
Well, it was hilarious they voted James back in. At least an old housemate (sorry, house guest would have been grateful, James just wanted to kick their arses. I couldn't help thinking James would be better off playing his cards a little closer to his chest rather than going 'rargh rargh rargh I hate you!' But he was right, they were stupid to vote him back in. I am a happy viewer though, cos he's my fave.
They did milk that disco ball challenge a little, didn't they? Natalie's devotion to Matty was both pitiful and admirable at the same time, as she hung from a chain whilst he called her an 'idiot'. Then she went green and puked! I cheered when she fell into a pool of her own spit. And what happened to Ryan? He went from amiable geezer, to psychotic: 'I want that pink hair out!' Then he went up to James' yard for an arse-kissing session. Slurp! Good on James for sticking to his word when no other fucker does. Although he should have got Matty out. Matty, Matty, Matty! I don't trust people who put extra 'y's on the end of their names, Matty, Tommy, Jimmy. It's all a bit childish. Matt sounds much more acceptable.
I'm still liking Joshua, despite popular opinion. I find him entertaining. I like watching him shit stirring, it's funny. I like his eyebrows as well.
Questions: when are they going to show James' gay porno? When will Natalie realise Matty will never shag her? And who's going to go this week? You decide! Oh no... we don't, do we? Bollocks!

Monday, 17 March 2008

Wife Swap USA

'If you're not happy, act like you're happy and you'll start to feel happy.' NO! You'll turn into a children's television presenter! The God botherer family was hilarious, I loved their Waltons-esque singing into the answerphone. Scary as fuck.
The other family were 'wild' ie. they swore a bit and the mum worked for a rock radio station. So it was a bit like Mary Poppins swapping places with Sharon Osbourne. Sharon did a fantastic impression of Mary P without ever having met her.
The religious people said things like 'loose moral character' and 'we need to train our kids up'. Just let your kids become the people they are meant to be! The religious kids said they had no need to be happy. The rock daughter was having fun being a groupie (which I'm sure was making a whole tourbus of people happy). It was a shame she changed her ways.
I thought the rock wife chucked the Bible into the fire for a minute! But she just threw their rota in the fire instead. Cue tears!
The moral of the story, as always, is just be somewhere in between, not a crackpot, or a satanist.

Saturday, 15 March 2008

Big Brother USA- Lunatics, the lot of 'em

Sorry I've been AWOL, I've been really busy and the TV has been shit.
OK this one is for me and J-O-T-V. I am still LOVING Big Brother USA, it's absolutely bonkers. I have no idea what all the rules are, head of household, power of veto, some bizarre thing with keys, but I'm sure it all made sense at one point or another, on some distant planet. Some of the best bits of our show are sadly missing, such as a baying eviction crowd, and endless tedious conversations about the shopping list (oh...)
Rather than just ingratiating themselves with the other contestants and generally having a jolly good time, as in ours (except for when Charley was in it), with the nicest person generally winning, in Big Brother USA they lie, fight, backstab and generally try and ruin each other's lives. It must be absolute hell living in there with that lot. I'd be sleeping with one eye open.
I'm one behind so don't RUIN IT, as my friend John of the Visor constantly does, but it's been nuts this week. I'm glad they aren't couples anymore, as that was kind of annoying and risked good characters getting chucked out just because they were teamed with some psycho. But there is ALWAYS a risk of good characters getting chucked out in the game, as the voting just seems utterly random. Wouldn't you keep in your friends, logically?
I was VERY disappointed when James suggested Chelsia for eviction, and I guess it's only fair that he got put up in the end, but it's a shame as those two are my favourites. I like their matching pink hair. They seem the most 'normal' despite James's sordid gay porno past. He's not mentioned that yet, has he? Funny that. I wonder if they have live streaming in the US? I'd watch it, just to see if they ever do anything else other than lie and scheme. Surely they just sit and chat about celebrities, and their mates and their favourite bands once in a while.
Joshua, the (only openly) gay contestant, seems genuinely unhinged. And after seeing pictures of his micro penis coming out of the shower, I think I understand why. He's one ANGRY person! I wouldn't be at all surprised if he stabbed them all to death in their sleep one night. His nemesis is Matty, an american version of our very own Anthony Hutton (remember him? Yes, that misogynist 70s Thunderbird who won our BB by accident one year). Matty seems to think he's god's gift, despite having the most punchable face I've ever seen. He makes me feel physically sick just looking at how smug he is. I hate him so much I'm actually on spawn of Satan Joshua's side. Then there's hapless Natalie, a bug-eyed face on a good body (well it should be, she obviously forked out for it), who is in love with Matty, despite him treating her like a piece of shit. I KNEW that as soon as the couples were split up it would turn into a boys against girls vibe. So predictable.
Which brings us to there's miserable Sheila, 15 years older than everyone else, and prone to taking one comment and vowing to kill you stone dead for it. You may be in good nick for your age, as you keep telling us, but you're still a miserly old bint, so fuck off. She even makes me feel sorry for Psycho-Eyes Adam, who called the disabled children in his care 'retards' in the first week. Nice.
The other bit part players are Sharon, so inconsequential she left and came back and no one noticed either way, and Ryan, who has created a jaw line he doesn't have with a ridiculous beard and who is getting visibly fatter by the hour.
Oh and it's all hosted by an android. That person is not human in any way shape or form.

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Russell Brand: My Booky Wook

I'm not much one for autobiographies normally, they're kind of a mum thing, aren't they? But I read this pretty fast for me. I have got a bit of a Russell obsession at the moment... I can't stop listening to his radio 2 podcasts. They have cheered up my journey to and from work no end. Not so keen on his stand up though... I find it a bit contrived. I think he's best off the cuff. He's just naturally very quick and funny.
So, the Booky Wook. The language it's written in seemed heavily Russell-fied at first, almost labouredly so, yet by the end, it seemed to be written in perfectly plain English, so either he relaxed a little, or you just became totally immersed in his world. Personally, I find his phrasing of things quite amusing, and I enjoy his surreal take on life. For a book that covers a whole spectrum of human horror, it's told in such a jaunty manner that you may as well have just been told an overly-long dirty joke.
I think at times I found myself wanting more information about something, maybe wanting to know more about how he felt after he hit the big time, or how it really felt coming OFF heroin. I mean it wasn't exactly 'A Million Little Pieces'- Russell just went in and conquered it, and merrily went on with life. The flippancy of the narrative style engaging and funny, but I also felt like he was skirting over massive, massive aspects of things that would have been interesting to delve further into (but I don't think that was the sort of book Russell wanted to write). But he should be applauded for conquering his demons, it can't have been easy.
I think my favourite chapter was where he detailed the truth about the horror of his heroin addiction, the places he went to, the people he hung around with, the lengths that he would basically stoop to. It just felt genuinely honest, and I could picture the scene with ease. It felt like it could be my world, or a friends world, pretty easily. I also liked the bit where he told Ricky Gervais a story about sleeping with two obese hookers and Ricky hung up on him.
Russell Brand has done some AWFUL things... things you wouldn't even want to admit to. He's been a disgraceful human being in many ways. The way he treats women (or has in the past) is pretty outrageous, let's be honest. But he never really apologises, or asks why. And I quite like that. It's almost as if all the stuff that happens to him is out of his control.
Anyway, he's unspeakably smart, and he has good taste (Morrissey!)
But I think he's still searching for something. Anyone who needs to sleep with that many people just to prove themselves attractive is obviously missing something. I don't think he's that bothered though. Will he settle down and behave? I think it's pretty unlikely.
PS. I wish I knew if my bus was coming or not. I wish I had half that self-belief.

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Rock Rivals

I kinda liked the first series of Footballers Wives (what of it?) so I thought I'd give this a whirl. It's a drama based on X Factor, basically. But is blurring the lines between reality TV and drama really good for society? People are deranged as it is. People already think soap stars are real people. Things took a turn for the worst within the first five minutes with someone with an effigy of one of the contestants in their living room. Then another contestant slashed her arm on the Xtra Factor (or whatever they've called it). I wish someone would do that in front of Fearne (or to her). And just to confuse the mentally ill more, the main 'contestant' even looks and talks a bit like Shayne Ward. Let's not even mention the blind Shaun Ryder guy.
Unfortunately that dead bloke off Corrie has none of the charm of Cowell. And his teeth aren't white enough. Cindy Beale aint fit to shine Sharon's shoes.
What is really puzzling me is the title. Rock Rivals? Where's the RAWK? It's a disappointing misnomer that only a couple of Guns N Roses cover versions can salvage.
And who's that woman who looks a bit like kathy burke but isn't? I get a soap/ kids show related memory but I can't quite place her.
Oh my god, one of the contestants is called Angel Islington. It's all too silly.

Am I Still Ill?

If I were you, I'd be bored by my various illnesses, I really would. I'm not even a hypochondriac, they are genuine. This is the worst bout of tonsillitis I've EVER had. I feel like it could be terminal tonsillitis. I have had no food since Saturday, and have slept on the couch, melting into it, every night. The only thing saving me from suicide is chocolate Frijj. Mmm, Frijj. So cold on the back of my throat.
Unfortunately, Frijj can only do so much in the face of Jeremy Kyle. I can't stop watching it! It's like an addiction to shutting your hand in the door, no good can come of it. Look at his angry little face. Look at the way he crouches at the side of the stage in his cheap suit. He just said 'I detest bullies.' What?! Look at the way he shouts LIAR! at people. Has he never lied? He married some 16 year old or something. He left his wife for her.
That may not be true. But it's something like the truth. Deal with it, Kyle. That trphy wife aint gonna stick around forever. PS. you're a cunt.
Maury is so much better. He appears to care.
In other news, I finished Russell Brand's book. I'll write about that when I'm feeling a bit better.

Saturday, 1 March 2008

Sexism Begins at Home: Madeley & Noel

I've decided to have a new and occasional column (the occasional will be determined by obvious factors) dedicated to the casual and not so casual (the Daily Mail, this means you) sexism rife in all aspects of the media. To write about it here is to make me slightly less outraged, and I can now enjoy sexist comments, because I can blog them. This is how I deal with all my problems, make them into a story!

Richard and Judy

On Michelle Gayle’s Eurovision entry:
Richard ‘who wrote that for you?’
Michelle (not at all perturbed, but proudly) ‘I wrote it myself.’
‘You’re a clever little chicken, aren’t you?’
Michelle: (grinning from ear to ear) ‘I try.’
Someone must have said something in his ear after that because he said to Andy Abrahams, ‘Did you write your own song too?’
He didn’t call him a clever little chicken though.

Deal or No Deal
Noel, after making a contestant apologise to the studio audience…
‘200 people in 3 minutes?
Even Sarah [one of the contestants] can’t manage that.’

I know Noel and Madeley are old and known bumbling buffoons, but still. Poor show!

Extraordinary People: Hope For Hayley

Finally got around to watching this. I've long had a fascination with the worst kind of nature's cruelty, which in turn sparks the most awe-inspiring human love. I'm totally intrigued with people who have incurable diseases, or who look radically different, and how they and their families cope with the worst kind of pig ignorance.
This documentary followed 9-year-old Hayley Okines, a progeria sufferer. I've seen a programme about her before and just found it mind-blowingly touching. I can't think of anything crueler than a disease where your child ages rapidly before your eyes. It just makes me think I might go mad if I think about it too much. It must be absolutely gut-wrenching to be able to do nothing to protect this frail little child. Just watching it floored me.
Watching a 9 year old child going to her best friend's funeral, who died of a heart attack at just 11 is just harrowing. The average life expectancy for a progeria sufferer is 13.
So in this show there was mention of a 'cure' for progeria. I can't understand how that works. Are they just suddenly going to be strong and healthy and look normal again? That would take a miracle. But it's a defective gene, so perhaps in the future they can stop people ever getting it. The ending was left open, so I don't know what happened. Dammit. I wanted to know.
Hayley was so articulate and it was so sad to see the simplicity of her thoughts as a child. Taken on a trip to Egypt she said, 'maybe I wouldn't get to see these things if I had progeria, so I feel happy that I've got it.' Oh to have that mentality in the face of serious illness.
It was interesting that they knew another family from Belgium who had a progeria son, and were told there was no chance of them having another child with it, it had never happened before. The chances were one in 8 million. So he had his vasectomy reversed, and they had a daughter born with it! That is truly shocking. So once their older son dies, all they have to look forward to is their daughter dying. Fucking hell.
'Is there any point ever having children?' asked Morrissey, decades ago, and still I suspect not. It just seems too painful.