The Jeremy Kyle Show USA

I've been trying to watch this for ages! We thought it might be a myth. But no, here he is, and they're showing this at 4am. Primetimez.
First things first, they've jazzed up the them tune like when they do the Eastenders theme tune on BBC three spin-off shows and put a bit of a drum machine behind it. You know, like when Blue Peter tried to go a bit cool.
Second things second, Jezza's got a wig on. His hair is exactly twice as thick as it normally is. Either he just stepped out of a salon, or he just stepped out of the clinic. How can he keep a straight face? Well, for starters, I think he's also had some fillers, as his skin looks suspiciously plump.
I'm placing my bets now that he goes 'where I come from...' Bonus points if he says 'sidewalk or cellphone'.
They've made the set look on a par with the UK version for cheapiness. What channel did this go out on in the US? It looks rather cheap and nasty. If any Americans are reading, can you let us know the channel and the viewing figures as unless we hear different we're going to assume it only went out on the elevator news network.
Are these the best guests he could get? Where's the lie detector? Where's the Genius?
There's some dude on called 'Millage'. Jeremy Kyle just said something about someone's 'bird'. Is he bringing a new breed of sexism to America? This storyline is whack. I hate the long lost kids ones. Bring on the violent boyfriends and jobless junkies with tattooed faces. I'm sure they have some in the US.
Jeremy Kyle just said 'called the cops'. COPS! Come and try and steal my crops etc.
The second story is a mother/daughter row. Zzzz. LIE DETECTOR! Fights! The Genius. How are the Americans going to get better without Graham's kind-hearted warmth, empathy and expertise?
Ah, this woman is a racist. Jeremy Kyle is talking about 'disrespect'. I can't take him seriously with those luscious locks. I'm not sure if he has had botox or if it's just the Home and Away style lighting. His suits look as cheap as ever. They're straight outta Burton.
The backstage area looks like an abortion clinic, all shiny brown sofas and McDonalds style art.
The daughter waiting for an abor- sorry, waiting to go onstage - is called Berkeley. Isn't that a brand of fags? Classy. It's not good when the shortened version of your name is 'Berk' is it?
This show needs a shake-up. They should be casting their guests from more of the Maury end of the spectrum, ie. who's the father out of seven men, my 99-year-old toddler, or my teenager is sleeping with half the neighbourhood (or neighborhood, if you will.)
Jeremy Kyle just said 'pin back these' instead of 'pin back your lugholes.' Guess they don't have lugholes in America.
This racist woman just called Jeremy Kyle 'condescending and belittling'. No, he just sounds that way because he's English. Well, ish.
Oh, it's over.
PS, America: Can you keep him? We'll take Montel as a replacement. I miss his salmony, mustachioed misogynistic charms.

Am I Still Ill?

If I were you, I'd be bored by my various illnesses, I really would. I'm not even a hypochondriac, they are genuine. This is the worst bout of tonsillitis I've EVER had. I feel like it could be terminal tonsillitis. I have had no food since Saturday, and have slept on the couch, melting into it, every night. The only thing saving me from suicide is chocolate Frijj. Mmm, Frijj. So cold on the back of my throat.
Unfortunately, Frijj can only do so much in the face of Jeremy Kyle. I can't stop watching it! It's like an addiction to shutting your hand in the door, no good can come of it. Look at his angry little face. Look at the way he crouches at the side of the stage in his cheap suit. He just said 'I detest bullies.' What?! Look at the way he shouts LIAR! at people. Has he never lied? He married some 16 year old or something. He left his wife for her.
That may not be true. But it's something like the truth. Deal with it, Kyle. That trphy wife aint gonna stick around forever. PS. you're a cunt.
Maury is so much better. He appears to care.
In other news, I finished Russell Brand's book. I'll write about that when I'm feeling a bit better.

The Jeremy Kyle Show: every day... for eternity

I happened to catch a few episodes of the Jeremy Kyle Show before I went back to work and was genuinely appalled. Both the guests and the audience looked like freakish extras, made up to look exageratedly ugly or chavvy. I struggled to believe some of these were real people (and let's be honest, the stories could be made up, but the heroin-rotted teeth of someone who's about 18 and looks 40-odd tell their own story).
I remember Jeremy himself from his 'late night love' days... we could only tune into Virgin radio on the £9.99 plastic fish radio in the bathroom, so we were often stuck listening to him peddling his cliche-ridden, shouty advice whilst trying to have a romantic bath. I often wondered why people continuously called him to be told they were a drunk, or a loose woman, or a bad father.
On TV he looks exactly as you'd expect, King of the Frogs, bog-eyed, frowny brow, still small, still claiming to not be sitting in an 'ivory tower' whilst telling people with hopeless, cashless lives to be more like him. I marvel at how no one can have lamped him before now.
The daytime TV diet of infidelity interspersed with debt, debt and more debt leads to a worthless, grubby feeling, even if you're just on your holidays. For people who get up and sit through Trisha, Jeremy, Ricky, Jerry day after day, there must seem like no future at all, no way out. It's no wonder the wife's best friend or another line looks appealing.
Like it or not, Kyle is no better than a pimp or dealer. He peddles abuse, affairs, anger. Trisha is equally culpable with her faux-caring veneer, her lick of gloss on top of the misery.
You too could borrow £30,000 pounds. There is a light at the end of that tunnel.
Just go kill yourself.