Sunday, 30 September 2012

The X Factor: The results

Tulisa, watch your hair in that St Lucia heat. Lay off the Sun-In, for fuck's sake. She's come as a stick of rock to go with the candy floss hair. Still, beats Northampton with Gary Barlow, doesn't it? My boyfriend reckons there's a Morrison's right behind 'Gary's house'.
I'm really glad Ella went through. She's the best of the girls by a mile. 
I want Irish Jade to go through but I like 'I'm-a-struggling-mum sob story' Jade as well. Irish Jade has got some great wonky lipliner and blue nail varnish on. She's unique!
The black girl is not going through because she has so little personality that I can't remember her name. And she just stomped off and didn't even say thanks for the opportunity. Bad loser.
I don't like the way you can't tell which one Tulisa's speaking to! It's really fucking annoying. It must be horrible for the losing person to watch it back, as you're literally a camera angle away from getting a yes. 
Oh no, she didn't put my Jade through! Boo. I thought she was really good. I don't think 'mum sob story' Jade is as good as Irish lipliner Jade. But I suppose she's more likeable because she's a MOTHER zzz.
I think Lucy's going through out of these last two. I do like the other one (who's name I've also forgotten - but the fact I've forgotten her name probably says it all). At least she said thank you for the opportunity. I'm glad Lucy made it; I hope they don't make her do covers every week, though.
I think MK1 are going to go through. I like the girl, she's cute. The other band is a bit too all over the place. Louis made the right choice; and he's very sorry. Poor dude from MK1 couldn't even jump up and celebrate because of his crutches.
Put Poisonous Twin through! I don't even know what this other young boyband are called. It's just another bunch of acronyms, no doubt. FKOF, perhaps. WTF, Louis sent Poisonous Twin home. Can't believe Louis did the 'it's not good news, it's great news' line. That shit is old as time. Both Poisonous Twin and Duke would be better than those
Triple J or whatever they're called now are up against this cheesy band. They're all holding hands. Barry Styles looks like he's going to cry. Oh, they did put them through.
Cheesy dudes went 'you're joking' when Louis ditched them. He's not.
Oh it's Union J who went through and nearly put Louis' back out cuddling him. Be careful, he mightget aroused. So two soppy boybands for Louis: thanks for the variety. Where's the Wagner/ Jedward?
James MUST go through. My boyfriend is saying he needs a makeover. He'll be back next week with Brandon Flowers' teeth, I bet you. Now Nicole is doing the 'it's not good news, it's... frikking amazing news' schtick. Aw, nice when he called home. Nice to have family who love you.
I don't think they're going to put Jake through because he looked at the floor the whole time he sang. It's a shame because he's easy on the eye.  He's got pedal pushers on, too. Did I miss the pedal pushers memo? Sorry to see Jake go.
I don't think Nathan is going through. He's nice enough, but he's too generic. I think Jahmene is going through. Nicole-bot is pretending to show emotion, badly. Jahmene was cute when he got through, he was speechless, bless him.
PUT RYLAN THROUGH! I'm going to hit the roof if they don't. He's mega. He'll wear the best outfits, too. He'll be fabulous in every sense of the word.
This other beardy bloke Adam didn't do that great. He's cute but he's no Jake.
Rylan's reaction to being put through was the best reaction to being put through in a competition EVER. Fucking brilliant! I cried, I laughed. You could tell he 100% thought it was a no. He slumped on the floor wailing, he wiped his face on a cushion, he said 'is this a wind up?' and told Dermot he was 'bang out of order' for no particular reason. Nicole Scherzinger didn't know where to look. It was truly heartwarming TV - just pure happiness. 
I'm not surprised Gary didn't put Grotbags through, he never liked her, but he seems to have a hard-on for that annoying hippy.
I knew he'd put Kye through. Brad going 'I thought I was going to get a yes'. Don't EVER think that. I wouldn't ever presume such a thing.
I can't remember what this brunette woman is called, but she's not going through. She looks like Natasha Giggs. OMG he did put her through! I was sure he was going to cut her. Weird.
I think Gary must be putting Christopher through over Melanie now. Melanie: 'to leave my children is such a sacrifice' - well, I didn't ask you to have them, so spare me the martyrdom. Who's her daughter anyway, Nicola Roberts?
Christopher might give Rylan a run for his money in the blub factor if he gets through. OMG, Gary put Melanie through! What a load of balls. She's rubbish. How could he put Melanie and the brown haired woman through over him?! Ha, Melanie's daughter IS a mini Nicola Roberts.    
Oh OK, there's a twist and one more person can go through. It's between Amy, Christopher, Adam and Times Red (Good band name - snort). Vote Christopher!
There's three interesting characters to watch in the live shows at least: Ella, James and Rylan.
It's good news.... my blog's over.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

X Factor: (Not the) Judges houses

Ok so I'm blogging X Factor even after declaring I'd never watch it again. I've been enjoying X Factor US and The Voice US so much, that I crawled back to our substandard version. The judges on the US X Factor work: there's the gentle-but-dead-behind-the-eyes Britney, enthusiastic puppy Demi Lovato, and Chief head-wobbler LA Reid. In the US X Factor this week, Simon didn't bother to turn up and they sent Louis Walsh over as 'guest judge'. They mentioned none of his credentials (not even Jedward) and they didn't even say he was a producer. It was just like this weird Irish idiot turned up for ten minutes and it was never mentioned again. Just like the fact they have no host.
The Voice US is superior because it has the super cuddly Ceelo Green, the so blonde-her-hair's-snapping-off, spilling out of her dress and often drunk Xtina, and head buffoon, Adam Levine. There's also some country douche, but we don't mention him.
Anyway, on with our cut-price bollocks. Shouldn't judges houses have an apostrophe in it somewhere somewhere?
One band has already left 'due to a visa issue'. Is this a euphemism? Shouldn't Simon Cowell get this shit checked out before bands get to that stage? Did he learn nothing from giving a wife beater a million quid on Red or Black?
Tiny Tempah is helping out Tulisa in St Lucia (he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house, don't you know). He generously said, 'there's probably space for one or two more female artists in the charts right now.' to which my boyfriend replied 'Well if they let pricks like you in the charts, I'd say there's plenty of space.' Who is Tiny to decide when the female popstar tally is full? They should get him working on border control next.
Louis is in Las Vegas with Sharon Osbourne. She should be on the real panel, not the simpering lettuce leaf Nicole - 'not good enough for the US one but she'll do for us cunts'. Nicole is with Neyo in Dubai. 
LOL Gary Barlow's group got to go to Northampton. St Lucia, Dubai, Las Vegas... Northamptonshire. That's what I call the short straw. Because I'm from there. So Gary Barlow has got Sinitta (sorry, Cheryl Cole) helping him as usual. I find Chezza about as warm and lovable as cat sick, so I'm not overly impressed, but she'd still be better on the panel than... er, all of the others. I feel like Simon Cowell doesn't give a shit about the UK version anymore, he gives us pathetic judges like Nicole and how the dour, stony-faced Gary got the gig after last year, lord only knows. Gary Barlow has about as much charisma as a sausage. And at least sausages are nice.
The groups are up first. So two more bands get a chance to come back because of the 'visa' issues. The first one, who's name escapes me, did a medley of Bob Marley an Pink. The second band Mitsotu, who we'd never seen in our lives before, as they were clearly always marked for failure, are also poor.
MK 1 (isn't that the Milton Keynes shopping centre?) are the ones who's third member got cut only after making them promise to give him 33% of all profits. I wonder is Syco has given him 500 quid to fuck off yet.
Union J have had to change their name from Triple J because Simon has decided to shoehorn a Harry Styles lookalike into their band. I'd be pissed off if an extra heartthrob was brought into my group. I think they should have renamed the group Triple J + 1. I think all the acts have been rubbish so far. Triple J are sucking the life out of the annoying-but-catchy Call Me Maybe.
I like Poisonous Twin and their scouse brows. At least they've got personality. This beat box group can fuck off.
The final act is called GMD3. Why are all these bands fucking acronyms? It's like trying to work my way round the periodic table! Bullshit. Off with their heads. I could think of better band names than this in about 30 seconds. Fuck me, this is the worst one yet. Louis' category is a bag of shit. I hope he puts through MK Ultra, Poisonous Twin, and then any of the shit boybands.
Dermot looks knackered. Can't he get some botox or something? They wouldn't let a woman presenter on TV looking so craggy.
Back to Dubai to see Princess Nicole beating her slaves and sitting by a ginormous bowl of fruit. Oh, and her category is the boys. 
James Arthur is my pick to win it. He's like Plan C. AWFUL song choice, so old fashioned and a bit defeatest singing a song called 'I can't make you love me'. There's just something very likeable about him. I liked the way he was clutching his shirt on one of his previous auditions. He has it: the X Factor. And he's the only one so far.
The next guy sang Neyo's song. He's not going through.
Adam I liked before, but he's doing a really shit song which barely goes up or down. No one would even pick this song to do at karaoke. I thought he could have done a lot better.
Jake I fancy. His brother is terminally ill, but he's carrying on like a trouper, anyway. He's singing Take That. Perhaps he thought he was getting Gary Barlow as his judge. He's also singing to the floor. Another uninspired song choice; why don't they sing something moving or unique? They are all looking like losers right now. Sing something to make the judges cry.
Rylan is absolute genius. The story he told on Xtra Factor about getting his wallet stolen by a fox was probably the funniest thing I heard last week. Rylan's come as Kylie Minogue. I hope he goes through, he's really entertaining. He's doing a mournful version of Rhianna.  He's got the Stacey Solomon factor.
This next guy Jahmene who murdered Moves Like Jagger actually did a reasonable version of Titanium. But he bores me.
Ok now we're back with Tulisa and the girls. I think she's got the best category, but still hasn't worked out how to put a toner on her hair. Her stylist must really hate her guts - you can buy them in Boots for 99p - and he's done her up like Trailer Trash Barbie.
I like Jade but I don't think she's brilliant. She's got heart but I'm not sure she could win it. I like Amy as well but I don't love her. At least her song choice was modern. They showed about two seconds of Leanne so I take it she's not going through.
I like Jade and her clown makeup and her doing it for her 'daddy' in prison.
Lucy is obviously talented but not as unique as they make out. It was quite brave of her to do Whitney, but put a quirky spin on it. I'll be pissed off if she doesn't go through.
Ella is the best of all the girls. Like James Arthur, she could easily win it, plus she writes her own songs. She's really good.
And now we're back with Gary and a hard-faced Cheryl Cole in Northampton (she'll fit right in, we love a good punch up there). Just as good as Vegas. Gary's category (the overs) is dreadful. Tulisa could have put four or five of her category through.
I have never seen this Carolynne person before. She sounds out of time. And she's singing fucking Boyzone. Bollocks.
Aw, that was quite nice when Gary gave Nicola some reassurance. I don't know why she got through. They should have put Hayley from Pop Idol through, she had a lovely voice. Tragedy? Of all the songs to sing.
Brad is dated, boring and looks like a used car salesman. He sang the Final Countdown in a club style; I couldn't even tell what song it was.
I HATE this Melanie 'I'm a mother' bore. She looks like someone who'd try and sell you a bag of heather at a festival. I bet her house if full of runes and windchimes. She's DULL! I don't know why Gary likes her so much. Gary's pretending he's not going to put her through because she's got kids; er wouldn't that be discrimination?! They'd never say that to a man. Douchebag.
Kye is actually alright, if he stops going on about being a chimney sweep and having to work for a living (yes, like we all do). Ooh, he hit a bum note. That was a shame. Adam Levine wouldn't stand for that crap.
Christopher is the most of earnest auditionees ever. He's wearing his heart on his forehead. Another awful, old-fashioned song, and he's singing it really camp. I still think they'll put him through, though, because the grans will love him.
As much as I can't stand Cheryl Cole, she's actually quite gracious to come back on a show she was basically sacked from. I'd swap her for Tulisa any day. And I'd swap Nicole Scherzinger for Wagner.
Cheryl's glad she's 'got a car coming soon.' Let's hope isn't driving it. Or... hmm, perhaps I'll leave it at that. 

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Channel 4 Drugs live: The ecstasy trial 2 (Keith Allen finally turns up)

So here I am again. I said I'd do this blog, and I'm damn well doing it but there's people here and I'm drunk cos it's my day off tomorrow, so I'll do my best.
Why is Keith Allen being so shirty about his past drug use? Everyone knows he was a huge caner. He's coming off like a total prick. This former MP Evan Harris took an E to 'support scientific research.' Try telling that to your mum after a big Saturday night.
LOL my boyfriend's friend who was here just got picked up by his mum, sorry - girlfriend - and got in trouble cos they've been drinking all day. He basically just got forced to say goodbye and leave quick-smart. That was funny.
If Keith Allen hasn't had proper E since 1988, what the fuck was I taking in the 90s?
Isn't Keith Allen a bit old to be taking drugs? He's like an OAP. He's still moaning about the quality of the drugs. It's because you've taken so fucking many! That's why you can't feel anything.
Keith Allen just declared himself a 'renowned gurner'. Or, as I like to call it, a massive cunt. He's complaining about the editing like a Big Brother contestant. What a knobber.
Wicked, Dr Christian just told us, 'if you are going to do a pill, just do a bit and see how you feel.' Good advice. Just do a quarter like my friend SWIM.
The Tuesday blues; lol! Is that official medical terminology? Ha to that guy saying 'you need a good couple of days after to 'reflect'. Yes, reflect on a boxset of Breaking Bad and a packet of valium. That's not reflecting, it's just being a couch potato.
Ecstasy takes longer to recover from than cocaine; that's because cocaine makes you high for half an hour and E makes you high for a whole night. It's simple maths.
Captain Killjoy is telling us about all the bad bits. Mistress Mustard jacket (sorry, Professor Val Curran) is disagreeing.
I'll say it again: There's no doubt whatsoever E affects your long term memory. So does weed, so does booze, so does a traumatic event when you're younger. I agree with this Professor. That woman is kidding herself to think the effects are short term. I can't even remember my own phone number. I need to go to Derren Brown's memory palace and do a ram-raid.
SAS guy felt 'like an empty windsock' after doing E. Do you ever feel like a paperbag? Now he's speaking to Dr Adam Winstock. This is getting confusing. Windsock... Winstock. I think only Keith Allen can clear this one up.
I've seen these American MDMA therapy sessions on a documentary before. Surely the Feds should be onto her by now? Mind you, she is hiding up in the trees, like Katniss in Hunger Games. 'Let's do E and talk about your abusive father.' Um, no.
Fuck me, she looks wasted. Her eyes are all over the place, and she's stroking her leg. I'd be like 'let's talk about kittens.' Is the therapist high, too? They've got some good E (sorry, X) over there. Ha, she's got down-turned mouth, too. *esadface* Looking at you gurning isn't going to help change minds, to be honest.
Jon Snow: 'it's a big nut to crack.' Why do they keep saying things based on the guest's names? I think it's cos everyone's off their tits.
Oh Christ, it's the plastic glowing brain again. Save us.
OK we're onto the ex-politician taking the E now. He's doing it all in the name of science, like Walt. He looks confused. He's not feeling 'loved up.' He's fighting against it! He is gurning, though. So all I've learned from this show is that what I've learnt from this is if you're a boring bastard or a miserable killer you won't get much out of a pill.
Was Keith Allen on a pill or what, did we ever even find out?! He's a fucking sourpuss.
Oh we're now hearing what the people in the survey said. Did they fill in the survey when they were high?
Keith Allen is bragging about having decent drug connections. What a fucking loser. Johnny 'Country Life' Rotten did the same thing on Question Time and it was the same feeling of your dad going 'this has got a good beat'. Grow up, beardy. Lily must be hiding behind a pillow right now.
'Are you a drugs counsellor?' 'No, I'm a substance misuse practitioner.' Christian gave him short shrift after that.
I was expecting a lot more from tonight's show but it was just more of the same old drivel. What was the point of it? Just to piss off the Daily Mail? 
Let's face it; those who are drawn to drugs are going to do drugs, and those who aren't, won't. More information, yes, but a giant plastic brain and a showboating Keith Allen? It's not science, and it definitely aint cricket.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Channel 4 Drugs live: The ecstasy trial

Hahahaha, lovely. Drugs! Live! Except they're not live. They filmed it before, presumably in case someone died.
So Keith Allen on an e isn't all that shocking. A pregnant Fearne Cotton on ecstasy is shocking. Jedward on an e is shocking (half would be enough for them, I'm sure). Anne Widdecombe on an e, that I'd pay to see.
Host Jon Snow - why doesn't he get involved?! He's always in disaster movies, isn't he, declaring the end of the world. Hold on, isn't he in Human Traffic? I'm pretty sure someone has a weird trip out and Jon Snow is dancing in the middle of the club. It's all adding up, He's a secret pill muncher.
They are giving them 83 milligrams (what does that mean? These measures as as incomprehensible as alcohol units) of specially prepared ecstasy. Normally when someone 'specially prepares' ecstasy, it's with brown sugar. NB. 'ecstasy' is a lot harder to spell than it looks.
Dr Christian Jessen! Obviously a pillhead. The first patient is gurning. He says he feels 'calm and general wellbeing and feels lovely.' Yes, there's a reason it's called ecstasy and not 'misery'. That comes later.
So they are giving some placebos and some E and then asking them how they felt when their friend died - ew.
In all seriousness, it is time to properly investigate ecstasy. Let's face it; enough of us will be finding out the effects in about 30 years time, probably in the form of severe Alzheimer's.
Here's what I know about ecstasy. I used to do a lot. I've seen someone take it and say 'why don't they put this in the water?' The same person said, 'I want to give this to my mum.' Ecstasy is one of the most harmless, non-addictive and fun drugs there is. It's not to say people don't die... they do. But it should be up for adults to decide if it's worth the risk, as they do with smoking, which provide no pleasure, and jumping out of planes, which is just stupid. It's time for drug takers (like bisexuals) to come out of the closet and say, 'It's not that big a deal.'
This woman patient says she 'got loads of happy memories back.' Er.. where's the bad side? Oh I know, next Tuesday. Aw, she's crying with happiness. But she feels disconnected from God. Oh well, do another pill, that should sort it out.
How many people are going to come off this trial and go find their nearest dealer?
I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in a scanner on E! Just looking at that machine makes me anxious.
That bit where John Snow said 'take us deep inside the brain' and parted the massive plastic brain was the lols. It's like something off Brass Eye.
Gap yah kid is saying he took E last on Friday and it made him feel 'at one with himself.' You parents must be proud. Don't admit you're a pillhead on TV! It might hinder your job prospects.
LOL to the jaw clenching diagram. Jon Snow just said GURNING. Lolololololololol.
How can anyone not enjoy a feeling of euphoria? It's like saying you don't like crisps. Only Morrissey would say such a thing.
My boyfriend can't stop laughing at the light up brain. Lightupvirginbrainwave. Is it Christmas?
Seratonin! This has just gone like Human Traffic. My boyfriend is certain they're trying to sell us some E. He just said 'are they going to mention the incessant looking for things and not being able to go for a wee?' Maybe later. How about the electric shocks in your brain and the nightmares where you're paralysed? I feel like I've been on this ecstasy trial for about 15 years now. And I'm still not skinny.
I never even knew e came from a tree until THIS YEAR. Which proves that there's not much info on ecstasy, because I've read a whole book in it (incidentally, the writer of said book 'Ecstasy Reconsidered' died in a car crash).
I never knew it used to be called empathy, either. Trust the DEA to shut down the 15 years of fun times. Probably because no one wanted to go to war when they were on it. They were too busy listening to Darude. Someone just said 'disco biscuits' and it sounded as quaint as 'ghetto blaster.'
OK they're giving it to a former SAS soldier now. RELAX. 'I didn't want nothing to do with it.' I've heard people saying that about E a lot. Some people don't like losing control, but in some ways you're more in control that with booze - you can drive a car, for example (JUST KIDDING). Soldier: 'I started getting the hump with it' - LOL. He didn't have a good experience because he was fighting against it. It's like someone going incessantly, 'are you alright? Can you feel it? Can you feel it?' Just get on with it, FFS. Enjoy those free drugs, misery guts. 4% of takers don't like it. That's 96% who are happy customers!
No long term effects? My own two eyes (and poor memory) would tell me otherwise.
Ha, the guy in the studio has got his gurn on. Where the fuck is Keith Allen?
Patient: 'the pink door looks really pink.' What's worse, people talking about their drug experiences or people talking about their dreams?
A woman just said 'an entire pallet of vocabulary'. And she's not even high.
Dr Christian has come to tell us about DEATH. A man called Parrott is telling us about the downsides. People are NOT aggressive on E. I've accidentally befriended someone who'd snogged my boyfriend a few weeks before whilst on E back in Northampton in the 90s. I stopped punching people as a teenager when I started doing E and it was no coincidence.
He's right about the memory. All drugs impair your memory. Including booze. With E, though, you'll never have a whole section of the night missing though, and you probably won't accidentally end up on New Years Eve getting a cab to sleep with your ex-boyfriend who likes Doctor Who. You'll be too busy watching quiz shows and listening to hard house.
Ooh, there's a guy who's son has died now. Buzzkill. You don't see Leah Betts dad about much these days, do you? He used to be worse than Mitch Winehouse for self-publicity.
This 'Shabs' guy is more like it. He's been taking E since he was 14 and it's not done him any harm, ha. He seems perfectly OK!
I prefer these people who like doing E and staying in. Oh, it's just a cover for their homosexuality. Bless. (Blowjobs don't count if you're on E.)
It doesn't even need to be discussed that doing e enhances your friendships. Just staying up for 12 hours with someone enhances your friendship, and being able to be more honest, plus a heightened feeling of empathy enhances your friendships. Until a week later when that person is still on your couch demanding cups of tea.
This Shabs is an eloquent chap. Why are all the e-heads either really posh or thick as fuck?
It's all over! That was kind of boring, and I said too much. Do we get the comedown show tomorrow? And where the fuck is Keith Allen.
For all you need to know about ecstasy, just watch a few MTV Dancefloor charts presented by Russell Brand. It's like digging up a 90s time capsule. What with Matt Alwright getting a bottle of piss in the face, this has been a good night for TV, but this show could have done better. It was too sanitised. I want to see people vomiting and picking the E out of it to take it again. Let's see Jon Snow pick the bones out of that.
I guess I'll be blogging this tomorrow then! It's good to be back.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Film: The Hunger Games (as reviewed by a Big Brother addict)

Warning: this review, like all reviews, contains spoilers. Don't ever read a review of anything before you watch it, or if you intend to watch one day in the future. The end. 
And let's continue. So I started reading The Hunger Games book but I couldn't really get into it, so I did what all sane people do and watched the film instead. I'd heard mixed reviews about the film, (it's for girls - oh how could they? - and it's for kids) so wasn't expecting much, but actually really enjoyed it.
I think my favourite thing about it as I've obviously been pining for Big Brother since CBB finished (although BBUS is still on for now!). The Hunger Games is basically just Big Brother in the woods, with murders. And what Big Brother wouldn't be improved by a few murders? There was a lot of dreary backstory in the book that I couldn't really get into; I felt like the film was just more straight in there, although they could have trimmed about 20 minutes off one side or the other (but where was the girl with the tongue cut out?)
In the book it seems like the main character Katniss is really into Gale, and I was pretty sure Peeta was her brother, but I obviously got that wrong. I didn't really get the sense of all the wackiness in the book, like the futuristic world with all the colours, but that could be my imagination at fault. It was like Whoville in there when you finally saw it.
In my head Prim was a lot more cute and innocent and Gale was more attractive; he looked like some dumb jock in the film. I wasn't very impressed with Peeta's casting either, he's described as 'very handsome' at one point, but he did nothing for me. Katniss was cast well, though.
Woody Harrelson turned up, and then I joked that the guy 'styling' Katniss was Lenny Kravitz; turned out it WAS Lenny Kravitz. Worse; I kind of fancied him. I went to my boyfriend, 'Who knew he could act when he's only got that one song, I wish that I could fly, so very high, like a dragon fly?' Turns out he has one more song, too. It does sounds very similar though, it will fuck me right up on SongPop.
Anyway, I digress. Lenny Kravitz was wearing Danica's gold eyeliner, and Woody Harrelson was in a bad wig, and there was another woman who was clearly crying out to be played by Tilda Swinton. 
So the premise, as you probably know, is 24 young people fight to the death - yes, just like in The Running Man and Battle Royale and so on. I thought there wasn't going to be much gore as it was a 12, but there was a reasonable amount. They didn't really let you get to know many of the others, so you weren't to sad to see them 'get it'.
There were so many comparisons to real life reality shows. The host was like a cross between Brian Dowling and Lionel Blair and quite realistically fake. I liked the fact they were all wearing outfits like in the Glass House. About ten of them were killed immediately, which was quite good.
Katniss's strategy was basically to sit in a tree and hide, or as my boyfriend put it, 'she's going from tree to tree, mixing.' Obviously, this doesn't last forever, and an alliance was formed against her, which contained her District mate and potential love interest Peeta. Luckily they didn't overdo the love story or this could have turned into Twilight; and nobody wants that, not even Kristen and R-Pattz anymore. There was a bit more of it towards the end, but it was just about stomachable (I think I made that word up).
The film reminded me of Cabin in the Woods in parts, and just like in the real Big Brother, I didn't like it when the producers tried to meddle with the show; shooting fireballs at the poor girl was hardly far was it? Leave it for the housemates to play it out. And then later those stupid lion things. What if it had killed all three of those left?
I did like the way when someone died it was announced on a screen and by a cannon going off; handy.
Katniss gets a bit of unexpected help from Rue, the cutest tribute on the block. I love it when the guy from Rue's district repays Katniss for looking after Rue later, during her trying to fight off a rather sadistic Sophie Webster lookalike.
There was even a hilarious 'twist' which allowed two people to potentially survive the game, which I could see Scott Hudson of the Big Brother Gossip show getting all narked with, I could almost hear him shouting at the 'producers' to keep the game 'pure'! 
Even I couldn't tell if the 'showmance' was 4 realz. When Katniss got the note to make the kiss more genuine, it was like Dan in BBUS getting his directions from the producers (come on, don't tell me he isn't - but don't tell me anything else either as I'm two behind). I think her heart is really with Gale, especially when she did that fake smile at the end. I sense trouble ahead with that one.
As for Donald Sutherland (not a fan of the underdog), I think he's going to do a Chenbot on them and make them go back 'into the house' next year, as they were such popular contestants. And not just as coaches. They think it's annoying when Jessie keeps turning up in BB US; they aint seen nothing yet. Either that or they'll send in Gale and Prim or a combination of all four.
So yeah, basically, I liked this film because it reminded me of Big Brother UK and US. And the main character was a feisty butt-kicking girl, not a drippy dead-eyed thing like in Twilight.
I shant be reading the other books but I will watch the films. Shockingly: even my boyfriend liked it! Now, just don't tell anyone I fancy Lenny Kravitz, for fuck's sake.

Friday, 7 September 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: The final - 'he's not very evolved'

Lol at the crowd going 'whoop whoop': enough said. That was passe back when CD:UK was on.
Six is rather a lot for a final, no? They're going to have to rattle through housemates like Julie rattles through fags. The interviews are going to be about 30 seconds long. Mind you, in Ashley's case that would be a blessing, bruv.
Jasmine! How we've missed your scrawny evilness. I hope Rhian's got a knife in her cleavage. Danica looks good. Julie's smoking a fag, lol. It's like Jasmine all over again, but aged about... er, 10 years.
I hate these final dinners they do, with all the speeches and BS.
How can Martin show he's a 'dad' in the house when his kids aren't in there? Ashley 'will be shocked if he wins'. He and I both.
Do you reckon Harvey actually thinks he can win it? I do. I'd love to see him hoofed out first. Him or his idiot lapdog.
Ashley attempts to read one sentence of a card. Fails. 
Martin is FULLY expecting to win it. FULLY. I want to see his puckered little mouth when Julian wins.
'Power does go to your head and we enjoyed every minute of it.' says Martin about being evil.
I like the fact Julian thinks hanging out with hetrosexual men is weird.
That was actually quite nice what Harvey said about Ashley: 'I fell in love with the kid.' That was the first time warmed to him in about two weeks.
I like seeing The Situation all humble and normal. There's something grounding about it. Didn't Jersey Shore get axed?
Here we go! Yeah, Harvey SO deserves that big cheer. Has his butthole surfing been forgotten so soon?
Harvey out first! So much for the big cheer, then. Crowd 100% wrong as usual. They should have given him 21 seconds to go. I know: I'm hilarious. WTF is this song? Tis a din.
Ok so we're timing the interviews to see if anyone gets particularly jibbed - probably the winner.
Brian Dowling looks like Eaamon Holmes off to a charity gala. Yeah people have seen what you're like, Harvey, a bellend.
Brian: 'you're used to ladies screaming.' Yes, at knifepoint. We did get to see enough of you: including your bum bum.
Harvey: 'Prince is in MY country. Respect my country.' I didn't know Harvey was the fucking Queen, now? Is he working at passport control? Respect Harvey; respect England. Why are they STILL trying to get housemates to slag off Danica even now?
So Brian tried to get Harvey to look at his own morality but Harvey either misunderstood the question or was too stupid to understand. Nicely dodged.
Ashley aint going to win a gold in Rio in 4 years; not if he keeps smoking like that. Harvey made mistakes so we don't have to, like Louise Mensch. Kind of him. He actually came over OK in that interview, but he's really judgmental. I'm over him.
OK, so Harvey got an 8 minute interview. Not bad, really.
Ashley looks like Peter Andre tonight. Except for when he turned into a swimming pool briefly. And then into Coleen. Technical troubles. Ashley out next. Perfect. See, we've never had an opportunity to evict them before; now we have, they're goners. Not much to be proud of, really. He looks a bit gutted. Good. Never mind, he's used to losing.
Let's see Brian call Ashley out on the pathetic and immature way he treated Rhian. Go on, Brian. Don't let us down, now.
Must be nice to be a man and just get love 'from the crowd' no matter how revolting your behaviour.
I think Brian's said 'lovely' about 500 times. He's NOT lovely. He's a sexist little knob. Also, you weren't friends with Sitch since day 1. He was too busy trying to get in Danica's knick-knocks.
Here's EVIDENCE of his bullying and bad behaviour in these clips! 'That stops there'. YOU don't decide that.
I am sighing through this whole bromance thing. At least we get all this tripe out of the way at the beginning. Why don't you snog if you like each other than much, you little muppets.
If that's what Samantha Brick thinks is 'inspirational' it's no wonder she's thinks a husband who looks like something off The Walking Dead.
Ashley got 8 minutes, too. Next!
I think it will be Sitch out next. And he WAS. And he looked shocked. HA. So much for his 4 million Twitter followers. It's not sunny out! Take your glasses off, douchemobile! I think he's smuggling seeds in those cheeks, he looks like a hamster.
Sitch gave his glasses and jacket to the crowd, that's nice. *EBAY*. I like Sitch, though, despite myself. There's just something a bit loveable about him. Another interview all about Danica.
'She was the first one I saw' - nice. He just went proper Jersey then. I've never heard him speak like that in the house. 'Do you think Danica soured your relationship with the Prince?' Do you think Danica is responsible for civil unrest? Do you think Danica was a key player in the London riots? Do you think Danica has lizard blood? Give it a rest!
Can't believe Julie didn't laugh at 'gangsta momma'. They should have all the ex housemates with mics on as they watch the interviews. Sitch on the naughty step: his sole best bit. Occasional table!
Sitch got 8 mins, too. They do give them fair interviews. Who knew? Well that's HAM canned.
Why is Coleen getting booed?! Pathetic. She's got to be out next. OMG it's Martin. LOL. That Loose Woman loyalty is STRONG, man. Can you imagine if they actually put a decent loose woman in there like Carol McGiffin?
Martin - third. Haha. The smug has been smooshed. Fucking hell, they call Danica out for rinsing; they're rinsing us for cash at every fucking turn. Hypocrites.
Martin is looking quite 'gold'. My boyfriend just said 'no escaping gravity' which is quite cruel. I think he looks very good for his age, what is he, 60? NO, just kidding, he looks good.
'Most charming housemate'? There's a fine line line between charming and smarmy.
Did you think you'd make it to the final? 'Not at all!' You liar, you said different two days ago.
Why is Brian not telling him who nominated him, he told other people. He's also letting him off the hook for his soft nominations.
Don't talk 'gameplans' in interviews, Martin, it's not British. I did like his acting of 'Gold' in the task. I think it was the e-cigarette that did for him. He over-egged it.
Martin got 8 mins too! We're debunking ALL the conspiracy theories.
OMG I'll be soooo disappointed if Coleen wins. Surely EVERYONE wants Julian to win. The final two shows how at odds the crowd and the 'demographic' they're aiming for is with the people who actually vote: ie. people my age. Will they ever get it? Ever?
YES! I'm so glad Julian won and Coleen looked genuinely happy for him, and he looked over the moon. He's shaking! I didn't think it would mean so much to him, especially with him being quite glib at the start, but it seems to mean everything to him now. I hope his career gets a boost now.
Coleen looks nice. I think she's scrubbed up lovely. I'm glad she got runner up, as one in the eye to Julie and Martin both. I think it's fair to say she won the war against Julie by a mile. What do you think Shane Richie makes of it all? He's probably put on Madness to celebrate.
I love seeing Julian all wobbly in the background as Coleen is being interviewed.
THIS is the impact of that pie in Julie's face. That wasn't. Coleen was right about Julie from the start so fair play to her, because I was fooled. But Coleen wouldn't have got as far without her row with Julie.
I wish I had such a romantic story of meeting my boyfriend as 'we met in a bar and I thought he was a dick.'
Coleen's interview: 8 minutes. This is no fun, is it? Her best bit was the QVC shopping task with Julian.
Does the celebrity winner get any dosh? My boyfriend thinks they get the 100K! No way.
Aw, Julian looks cute. His make up looks good. A worthy winner!
Those fireworks are crazy! I think they put on extra just because he said he didn't want them. Julian's in shock.
Julian: 'what is my mother going to say?' I think he's forgotten his pre-planned speech.
Sexual innuendo count: only 1!
Julian is so cool. I'd like to be friends with him. That bit with Julie was cute and she looked thrilled. I'm glad he's unapologetic about their friendship.
Julian on Sitch: 'he's not very evolved'. LOL. Apologising for not being constantly filthy was funny, too. And plugging his tour, too! Nice.
So Julian got 8 mins too. Surely the winner should get longer.
Ha, when he went in and met Sitch and said 'what's your function?' To be an 'occasional table' apparently.
Looks like the 'emotional cold fish' won it, Samantha Brick, you warty old bat.
So justice was finally done, and now I can concentrate on what's important: BBUS. Listen to my podcast which will be up after BOTS (ie. we're doing it instead of BOTS)! I'm pissed, so might say something intelligent.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Harvey needs TP for his bunghole...

... but he'll just use Coleen's bed instead.
So I read that two nights ago Harvey showed Coleen his bunghole (and got a warning for it) and they didn't show it. I really hope they're saving that treasure for tonight, otherwise I really am going to have to doubt the absolute clowns running this show.
Ooh, they ARE showing it! So Harvey's wiping his arse on Coleen? It's like Jay McCray never left. I think we could have done with seeing a few more minutes of that. They must have cut a lot out of that. That's Coleen's third sexual assault in 24 hours.
If Steve Owen has decreed you've crossed the line, you've crossed the fucking line. 'No excuse'. 'Tut tut tut!' Pious, or what? Harvey is literally on the shit list! This is the most interesting thing Harvey's done in the house.
I like the way Sitch and Julian have slowly warmed to each other. I thought Martin was looking a bit haggard yesterday, it's cos he was hanging.
Coleen clearly doesn't want her honour defended. She's not stopped bitching, has she? Minus voting points for her. Harvey isn't seeming very apologetic. He will wipe his bum in your face! And you should count yourself lucky!
Harvey: 'I can handle my drink.' Evidence shows otherwise. Martin: tell-off times! 'There's a line between showing someone your arse and your arsehole.' There's a quote for the beginning of any respectable podcast. If I know how to do it, I'd have it at the start of mine!
Showing someone your arsehole is NOT banter. And it's definitely not mint banter.
Sitch: 'French tomatoes. 75 cents.' He's not quite got it yet, has he?
The 'real' vs 'social smokers' debate. Do you think lung cancer discriminates between the two?
Nicotine fiends. I make that nicofiends. Harvey is wiping a whopping two packets of cigarettes off the shopping list. This isn't 500 bananas. It isn't even Caroline's chocolate order. It IS going to cause World War 3, though, so at least Julie WILL get to see one.
Harvey doing an obnoxious dance in the kitchen. This guy is a first-class knob. He thinks other people kicking off will be good for his game. It won't. It just seals his fate as numero uno dickwad.
Yeah Harvey, you're so 'gangsta' getting your suit dry-cleaned an an apple crumble. West-side!
Sailor task. HMS Nancy boy. Is that sponsored by Brian Molko?
'...will win a haircut by a top celebrity stylist.' But not Lee Stafford. Is that a real lifeguard or a statue?
Top celebrity stylists Thomas and Anita Macmillan. Do they do cancer patients? My boyfriend pays a fiver for his haircut too - in Tooting.
Julian's finally showing his teeth! This is exactly what Harvey wants.
Don't worry, Julie's going tonight, so they'll be awash with fags. £7 for fags. When you put it like that, Harvey's almost making sense. It's just 'banter'! Don't lie though and say it's 'compromise' when it's shitstirring. Harvey should be a stand up comic his banter is so hilarious.
I'm over these evictions already. I already got it. Bye Prince, bye Julie. I bet they're all thrilled to see the back of her. Coleen looked grim-faced.
Oh Coleen, leave it. You won. You know Julian is her best friend, so give it a rest, mmkay?
Big Brother to Martin: 'Did you expect to go?' Took him a full ten seconds to say no. I wonder how much they paid him to go on this show? He must be on his uppers. They must have spent the big bucks on getting The Situation in there.
I really hope Coleen doesn't win this. I really hope it's Julian. I'd like to see Sitch second, then Martin, Coleen, Harvey, then Ashley.
It's weird when they do the season round up when they show's not ended yet. I am emotionless!
Martin's favourite task was spying on other people. It's so unfair that Harvey and Ashley have never been up. I hate to see them lording it in the final.
Don't give Harvey his cliche on top of a cake, please. Sitch being in the finals is a 'dream crumb true'. Martin, spinning for votes right until the end.
I think it's going to be close between him and Julian. Julian FTW! 

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Suit yourselves

I haven't voted tonight, but it seems a certainty that Martin will stay, right? Pedestrian gameplay + a huge fanbase = safe as houses, right?
I'm starting to feel sorry for Julie, but only because Harvey is such a knobend and he's gunning for her so bad. I can't decide who I hate most out of him and Ashley; Ashley's way of talking is so obviously objectionable, but Harvey really is malicious.
Julie is running her passive aggressive shit this morning. Harvey was responding to something you were saying in the gym, Julie. She makes me want to burn my leopard print leggings. At least I don't wear my leopard print leggings with Crocs. That is a no-go zone.
Chicken sandwich gate! Oh Sitch, you're in the shit. Didn't offer Queen Julia a sandwich? You're DONE FOR. Julie is SCARY. 'You always put yourself last.' Imagine if she was your mum. You wouldn't know which way was up.
Ugh I hate this bit where they do their pleas, it's so rubbish. Martin looks like he's been using fake tan shade: radioactive. It's not been that sunny!
Julie: 'I'm a 70 year old disabled pensioner.' You're a dragon. Martin wasted at least three seconds. Prince Lorenzo hasn't got a hope in hell, I think, but I'd like to see him stay.
I like this camp shopping channel task. The chicken fillet bit and the caterpillars was funny, but the edible undies bit took the cake. That was the lols. Julian was virtually sexually assaulting poor Coleen! I would be going mad.
Lorenzo did well at making that order. Good practice for Danica's wishlist when he gets out. My memory is crap, I'd be hopeless.
Brian cocking a snook at the shopping channel; wasn't he on The Mint (ie. Super Casino) for about 5 years?
Julie begging for votes! Subtle.
Julie reminds me so much of Alan Carr when she's dressed up as that newsreader. That's the most sarcastic newsreading ever.
Fucking hell man, nana is the master of mindgamery. That snog she gave Coleen was as good as a headbutt. That's twice Coleen has been assaulted in one day.
Julie had to chain-smoke to 'survive herself'. Ironic. It's like Nadia's year for cigarette wars in that house.
Julie doesn't bear grudges. Harvey doesn't bear grudges. What's that in my back, a knife?!
Shopping budget; they're only in there for 2 more days!
What is that letter with Brian's face on a stamp? Has it got Brian's P45 in it? Oh the rest of the letters from home. My boyfriend HATES the letters from home. Don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel.
Can Ashley's parents read and write? His nan does his washing for him. There's a surprise. Do you think they'll play Gene's Olympian when he comes out of the house? I suspect not. I saw someone have an epileptic fit in a nightclub once and it was the first time I'd ever heard Olympian playing, and the whole time I was thinking, 'wow, what a cool song.'
'Ashley is snivelling in the toilet.'
Julie's definitely got to be out first. I wanted to put 'Bet Lynched' for my title but my boyfriend said it was hackneyed. Vetoed!
I do feel a bit sorry for her, but not as sorry as she feels for herself. It's just another witch hunt, isn't it? Prince Lorenzo out first! I thought it would be Julie.
Dallas schmallas. I'm gonna watch Beavis and Butthead.
It's cruel to keep the Prince in there for half an hour. You'd just want to go, wouldn't you? All people carping about having 'snouts'. Do they ALL smoke in there?
I don't think this interview is going to be very interesting, do you? He's come out looking beleaguered. I think he wants to go home and eat some of mummy and daddy's lobster.
See that Esso advert? I heard that 'blood is thicker than water but oil's thicker than both of them' line. Illuminati agenda!
Did he even get a cheer? I didn't hear it. Human calculator. He should have calculated those votes better.
Prince is right; Harvey should say the same thing about Mike! He should have got a round of applause then. Brian, organise your interview effectively.
Interesting what he said about Julian not opening up. It kind of sucks going on BB and not opening up, though.
I don't remember Harvey calling Lorenzo 'thick as shit'. I swear we've never seen that clip before. That clip was really mean with loads of people calling him a 'pussy' and stuff.
Prince: 'I don't care, I had fun flirting with her, and I don't feel like there was anything wrong with it.' Thank God. Why aren't more people clapping this? He's not thick as shit. He's a nice guy. Harvey is so horrid. But Harvey still won't get booed and it makes me sick.
Lorenzo is the second person who said they wanted Ashley to win. WHY? What are they seeing that we aren't?
Julie's chewing again! It's Eastenders vs Corrie. Eastenders triumphs. 'Love you'. Yeah, your love is worth less than nothing.
Shit, so she went through the DR (because of her medical condition, old age, I presume) but we should of at least seen her come out of the bottom door. So the crowd don't even get to see her boo her? That's a bit unfair. What about the people who did all the careful colouring in on those signs *Jamie East*?
Oh hold on, she is coming out of a trap door like the witch she is. Why isn't she getting booed? What a fucking fix.
Ew, Julie is chewing gum in her eviction interview. She's trying to control that interview - acting again. Shouldn't be too difficult with Captain Sexist in charge.
I like the way she dealt with that crowd: 'suit yourselves.' The crowd shouting 'who are you?' Who are you? A bunch of ugly fucking chavs, that what. And I don't use the word 'chav' anymore, but it's entirely appropriate here when dealing with that pond life. 
She's keeping her act up well in the interview. How long did she keep it up in the house? About 3 days.
I do like her pink leggings. I think she looks alright.
Julie: 'what you see is what you get.' Well, depending which day it is. She's running rings round him, isn't she?
I loved Julian looking after her, he's so sweet.
Why do they keep showing that moon-faced crowd? So Julie basically liked people running round after her. Is she on the sick?
And that concludes the matter. Get it? Got it... oh, you get the idea.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Don't worry - just don't sleep

Time for Cbeebies!
Julie: 'I just wanted to make it to the final.' You shouldn't have been a bit less duplicitous then.
'Because of a medical condition, Julie has her hair washed by an outside person.' WTF! What medical condition is that?! Divaitis? Again, the only reason they're telling us this is because Harvey is earwigging on Julie talking to her 'outside person' ie. mole.
Harvey can hear 'bare talking'. How can you be 'unprofessional' in the house? There's no professionalism required; you let it all hang out! You come as you are. What does he want her to do, start pulling pints? Saying someone is 'unprofessional' in the BB house is even more stupid than saying someone is 'inappropriate.' There's no such thing (well, except you know, threatening to rape someone, but apparently that's all hunky dory, too).
'Blatant.' Why does Harvey talk like a fucking 12 year old? Grow the fuck up. What did Julie say exactly? All you ever get is hearsay! Ashley: 'Someone should just tell her.' How about you, bruv?
Vote to save Julie just for one in the eye for this mutant Harvey.
Julie's hair looks nice now it's been done by a doctor. Did someone train for seven years to operate those GHDs? What medical condition is it? Alopecia? Dandruff?
Aw, to Julian sticking up for Julie, he's such a sweetpea. He knows exactly what she's like; he's just not bothered by it.
The living room they've set up looks like my living room; specifically the ornaments. I think we used to have that couch, too, back in the 80s. Ooh, this looks like a MASSIVE shit-stir task. Get your wooden spoon out.
Harvey aint got no social game! Is this first task like Pointless? Where's Richard when you need him?
Do you think they really asked 100 Big Brother fans? I don't there's 100 left.
I like Prince Lorenzo's eyebrows when he pops up in the corner. The Situation is just giving himself for every answer. Can't believe they didn't choose Julian for funniest housemate, Harvey actually chose Ashley over Julian; what a drongo.
Martin is going to look even smugger at being named most attractive. Sitch: 'He got me by a couple of percent' - lol.
Julie's gum chewing went into overdrive when she was named most manipulative. She's fucking scary, man. I would sleep with one eye open around her. Haha, she said even her husband does!
Martin: 'It's so wicked, this programme,' he says, smiling broadly. He's loving it.
The Situation: 'the bond we had was very thick.' Julie: 'no, you are very thick.' Julie, 80% of the public agreed! Julie has got some passive aggressive shit going on there.
Harvey is in the garden working on the sequel to 'Insania.' Martin is squeezing out a few 'dead parent' tears for the sympathy vote. He always was good in Eastenders, wasn't he? They're probably still alive (sorry).
I like the old people's home chic. I wish the BB house was really decorated like that.
This kid's TV show is rude; itchy growler?! Isn't that another name for a fanny? Puerile!
Julie can 'feel' the funny atmosphere. Because she's creating it! It's like Jasmine all over again.
This task is quite good today. At least it's kind of original.
LOL to 'throw me under the bus' being misquoted. Julie read that news out brilliantly considering she must be fuming. 'Lived through the world wars'! LOLOLOLOLOLOL. She did an Alan Carr smile then; brilliant.
Harvey's tut-tut-tut-twitching! Julie's going to throw him under the bus, and it won't be a metaphorical one, it'll be the number 29.
I feel sorry for Julian stuck between Julie and Coleen's bitching. I do feel he's holding back though; and he said as much when he said 'I don't want to make the news.'
Having to watch people searching under cushions for lighters on the TV is like looking at a mirror inside a mirror inside a mirror. It's a labyrinthine vortex. If I want to look at people searching for cigarette lighters, I'll merely turn to my left.
Can't they light the fags off the oven? Or if that's a health and safety issue, light a bit of paper and take that outside? Where there's a will there's a way.
Julie is being petty now. Julian is being so cool about things; not being drawn into the slagging session whatsoever. You can tell he thinks Harvey is pathetic. I feel a bit sorry for Prince. He seems a bit isolated, bless him.
Julie got her letter from home. 'Dear Julie, I can sleep with both eyes open tonight. Luv, Jeremy Kyle guest.'
It's annoying watching Harvey and Ashley floating their way to the end. I don't mind Sitch, but fuck those two.
Julie: 'I think Martin should stay.' Sure you do. Julian: 'Well, you are a disgrace.' Julie: 'yes, but that's not the point.' Aw. He has covered for her so well. I know part of it is gameplay; but I do believe 80% of it is that he's got a good heart. Julian FTW. I'd like to see Martin out tomorrow! Make it happen.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: It would give hope to pensioners

The Situation likes nominating but can't. Tell us who you would have nominated, then. At least it would be entertaining. Is he telling himself he doesn't like dairy? Not even Dairy Milk? Come on, now. Your country bought us that Hersheys crap that tastes like vomit.
Coleen and Julie's conversation translated: 'I hate you.' I hate you, too.'
Do gold records actually play? I doubt it. #popstarproblems (Note to self, don't do hash tags in own blog.) Extra note to self: don't say 'note to self' in blog.
People are trying to 'sweep Harvey up.' Try harder, please. Marcus: 'The Situation is rinsing out his hair dye.' Funnies. I liked Sitch's reaction to having to sit on the naughty step, it was funnier somehow because he was in the shower and you could just hear him and not see him.
He looks well mardy on the naughty step! Tee hee. I kind of like The Situation sometimes. He's unintentionally funny.
Julian's bringing politics into the nomination room. Ooh, he didn't nominate Sitch! See; Sitch was wise to take his previous nomination so well. I think Julian's warming to the Occasional Table. I wonder if he's going to get an upgrade on his moniker? A nest of tables? A sideboard?
Wow, Coleen and Julian BOTH nominated Martin! Cool.
You're not halfway out the door, Sitch, you're sitting on a fucking step, mate, get a grip. I think people aren't nominating him because they feel sorry for him. I'd like to see him win it in a weird way, some alternate universe.
Ooh just as I said that Julie nominated him. Wow, she didn't nominate Coleen! A bit late now to undig that hole, Bet. What's done cannot be undone. See her come and kiss Sitch full on the lips! How come people aren't calling her a hussy, hmm?
Sitch better hope 'but WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?' woman isn't in the Diary Room today, or he's sitting on that step all day long. I love him sulking, it's heartwarming.
Prince's nominations were spot on. 'Harvey treats women like property' - hallelujah.
Martin nominated Julie for 'dragging people into toilets', lol. So he nominated Julian for lighting up an electronic cigarette as it made the room too hot?! WTF. They should hand that shit out to the homeless and eskimos. 
Martin is really getting on my wick now. SMUG! He KNOWS Julian is a shoo-in to win, and he'll stop at nothing to make sure that doesn't happen. He nominated two power-players. He knows what he's doing.
Why does no one ever nominate this little Ashley prick? He's the worst thing on the planet. He's worse than scurvy. He's worse than the plague.
Even Ashley nominated Martin. Another one with his eye on the prize.
So if Harvey is nominating Lorenzo for flirting with Danica, I presume his next nomination will be for The Situation, right? Oh, no, that didn't happen. Well, knock me down with a feather. If he's so concerned about Danica's boyfriend, then surely he'd be looking out for Danica's boyfriend at home both ways. No. Just in the way that suits him. Hypocritical fuck-knuckle.
Harvey has 'morals'? Could have fooled me. He's a spoilt, sexist little cunt. Fuck you, Harvey. Fuck you sideways.
A super lol for Julie's 'it would give hope to pensioners' if I make it to the final speech. That's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. She really is clutching at any straw going. She's clutching so many straws she could get a job at McDonalds filling up the dispensers.
Coleen and Prince are right about 'HAM' and their mentality. Teehee, Prince Lorenzo said 'throw me under the bus'. American reality TV cliches RULE.
WTF is this task? Did Mario and Luigi take a wrong turning? Plungers galore!
Martin's 'I didn't get a takeaway' face was fab. Cat's bum lips!
The Situation 'cooked for like two hours, yo.' Who's he, Jesse Pinkman? Aw, Sitch is browbeaten. I feel sorry for him.
Gruel. Is that the English version of slop? Julie's not enjoying it much. Must we watch her retching? Christ.
Sitch on what was said in the DR: 'join your fellow losers and eat your fucking gruel.; That's my sort of paraphrasing. 
My boyfriend is CONVINCED Martin is going to go home this week. He hasn't got a clue. Martin has got a HUGE fan base.
Julian calling Sitch out for attention-seeking and then going 'I don't mean you, people like you.' There's been loads of funny lines tonight. 
Martin's ruffled to be on the block, I can tell by his 'ape' body language.
Did Julie say 'I got ganged up on'? That's funny. She's been stirring that pot for two weeks now. Come on Julie, do it for the pensioners.
Ashley: 'it would be nice for one of us to win.' That aint going to happen, kid. Nice dream, though.
Julie: 'is that what you'd do to your nana?' I would cos my 'nana' was a sour old bitch, just like you. 'It shouldn't be allowed... that's bullying.' Oh, PLEASE. Please! Please! The nana card; I've heard it all now. Is this a newly discriminated against group? Bullying?!
Why is Julie chewing in the DR again? Stop fucking chewing, it's gross! Can you think of any reason they may have nominated you? 'No.' No? Not one reason?! If I was in that house I could think of about 25 billion reasons people would nominate me. What a bighead. 'God forgive them.' Oh, STFU, granny gristle. Get to stepping.
Martin's under the cosh because he's up. Is it a double eviction? It's got to be Julie and Lorenzo to go. I wouldn't be surprised if Lorenzo went before her.
Martin: 'people have seen the dark side of Julie.' Yes, and you helped them see it!
Julie calling Coleen a 'fat arse'. Nice. She's no Jasmine herself, is she?
Fucking hell, man, anyone would think Julie was the first person on the planet to ever be nominated. You can tell Julian wants her out now. Placating her is a full time job.
You gotta hand it to Coleen; she had Julie's card marked from day one. I didn't believe her. But she was right.
I hate the way Julie talks, repeating herself and just going on and on about me, me, me. She doesn't care about pensioners. She's no one's grandma. She's just a bitter, selfish old cow. And still I feel a little bit sorry for her. But not much.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Aceeeeeeeeeeeeed

I don't know about you but I'd rather watch Danica's 'flirtmance' than Julie vs Coleen. I'm not normally a fan of 'showmances' but at least hers was audacious and fun to watch. Now we've got to watch two old biddies moaning about who's top dog.
Coleen is giving short shrift to Julie's 'we need to get the fellas out' chat.
Look at Ashley snitching on Julie to Prince Lorenzo! Fucking grass. I wouldn't want to be in an alliance with that little shit; more SPAM than HAM, that one.
Martin loves the Prince being so ruffled. 'You can guess who I'm going after' - dur, that's nomination talk. Martin is such a smarmbox. I'm so onto him.
It's kind of sad to see Julie so isolated in a way. Everything that comes out of her mouth is just so transparent now. How the mighty have fallen.
It's kind of sad to see only two women left, too. Martin knows the rulebook and runs the kitchen *Vinnie Jones*.
Julie's plotting a very devious game... she needs to be outed like Nasty Nick. I like it when Big Brother calls them out and gives them a tell off. Leopard print taken away is one thing, but they didn't ban them from nominating, do they?
Sitch and Prince seem to be getting on very well now their Princess has gone. I guess they're both foreigners in a weird environment. Danica's foot-soldiers.
Prince shouldn't have to apologise to Julie! She was 'in shock, she doesn't remember saying it'. It's not the best excuse in the world, is it?' I was 'in shock, I don't remember punching you in the face, sorry'.
Ashley is so thick I think he should be accompanied by an adult at all times, especially when crossing roads. The only thing I've understood him saying all series is 'yeah'. This letter task is quite good, you get to keep one letter from home and put another one in a vat of 'acid' - ie. green slime.
LOL Julie's letter got the Jesse and Walt treatment. What do you get when you mix Big Brother with Breaking Bad? Top quality entertainment.
I'm glad Ashley didn't get his letter, he can't read anyway, the little twonk. I want to hear him read out someone else's, it will be like when Beavis and Butthead try and read the paper together.
Who's The Situation gonna get his letter from, Snooki?
Oh well, done, Ashley, what a bloody hero. Boo woo.
Julie doesn't bear a grudge. Hmm.
Martin knows how this show works back to front. He's a proper superfan.
My boyfriend hates it when they get the letters from home, he's such a grinch. I'll blub, bet you. I'm such a wuss.
Julie can't even stop chewing gum to read Julian's bloody letter. Julian was annoyed she didn't mention the cat. She did mention the bowls club, though. Coleen's letter was nice, funny and lighthearted. 
This acid house party looks alright. Where's the E?
I think The Situation and Harvey's potential TV show is going to go the same way as Coolio and Terry Christian's cookery show and Stephen Baldwin's plans to make Alex Reid the next James Bond. None of them made it past Barbell media.
Martin Kemp is dressed like a geography teacher tonight.
When I am king, anyone who says 'it is what it is' will be shot in the face without prior warning. In fact, consider this the prior warning. Goodnight!

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Justin Beiber must be furious

Hmm, four girls out first; more evidence of the woman-hating United Kingdom in action.Emma's interview with Danica was a fucking joke; unless I missed the memo and flirting is a criminal offence now? The moral high-ground is slightly lost when you work for Channel 5, which owns the Daily Star, FFS.
Julie: looks like you picked the wrong alliance with the DMJ Samantha Brick.
The Situation: more Googled than Justin Beiber and Jesus Christ. Well, they're all arguably secret homosexuals.
Has Coleen not figured out The Situation isn't interested in her yet?
Julie saying 'I don't do like flattery' is a bit like when Dot Cotton says, 'I'm not one to gossip...'
Julie: 'when he comes out of the closet' comment about Lorenzo. Niiiiiiiiiiice (even though I just said the same thing two minutes ago, but I was joking). Oh Julie, leave it with the 'get it, got it, gone' thing! Just STFU and stop digging your own grave.
Even Harvey '21 braincells to rub together' is onto Julie now. That game is officially UP! Harvey doesn't care about bitching anymore because he's got out the two women who wouldn't sleep with him. Job done. Now he can start pretending he's a stand-up dude again. Well too late, motherfucker, we got your card marked, kiddo. We know all about your attitude towards women, as if we didn't know already.
Enjoy those talks about the glory days, Julie, because they're over now. Everyone is onto you.
Martin has been sowing the seeds for Julie's demise for time. If Julie said something so offensive, I certainly hoped you picked her up on it, especially if she said something 'as rough as you'd hear in a North London pub.' I mean, how unladylike!
This HAM (Horseshit and misogyny) alliance is a new thing. Apparently Sitch's fans support Ashley and Harvey, too. Thanks for telling us. The same morals? Yeah, the 'treat women like dirt' school of morality. One for all, and all for one, homies. I watched that Ashley on the live feed last night and I literally could not understand one word that was coming out of his mouth except 'bruv'. Isn't he from London? Shouldn't I be able to understand him? I think it's just thicko speak, isn't it? 
That 'get Julie out' was soooo loud, and she's not even up, LOL.
Julie baffled at the chants. Is she really trying to pretend they were saying 'get Julian out'? That's a low blow. Julian knows it wasn't his name. It's one syllable shorter. It says a lot about her than she tried to put it on him, and more about him that he tried to protect her. Julian: 'it's just some silly girls chanting.' Exactly. Julie: can give it out but cannot take it.
I could tell Sitch was gutted Danica was gone on the live feeds. He looked more upset than Prince did.
Danica is like Teflon; she can take a few boos.
Is Julie dragging people into corners 'mixing'. Discussing nominations in the loo! Her mind on that already. Just says it all, really, doesn't it?
I like seeing Julie under the cosh. I think she's so used to people kissing her arse. Should have kept that act up a bit longer, Bet. Not impressed with Martin and Harvey throwing her under the bus. Those two were just as malicious and unpleasant in that God's task - possibly more so. It does not reflect well on her.
Why is this 'health lottery' BS in the middle of Big Brother? I'm fed up of having that bunghole Natalie Cassidy shoved down my throat. Get off my screen: FOREVER!
I love Julian complaining about it being too blokey and 'talking about sport'. He said 'sport' like it was 'child-molesting.' Julian begrudging saying he'd miss the DMJ, lol.
Harvey dropping Julie in it about the noms. Nice. Did that person who I can't understand what he's saying say 'tomorrow she's getting it, isn't she?'
The fact is; Harvey and Ashley were Julie's little sheep, just following blindly. Now they're two puppy dogs lost. But I never forget a sheep. And then turning on her is not helping their game; it's too late.