Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Archives of Pain: The Dark Side of Fame with Piers Morgan- Jim Davidson

This is my new excuse for blogging ancient things, I'm dressing it up as a revival, something cool, retro, innit! Basically, there's fuck all on telly at the moment, so I'm just downloading random things of interest off the box. Even if you didn't see it, you know Jim Davidson, and you probably don't like him, so let's just get stuck in, shall we?
Probably one of the only people more loathsome than Piers himself, just the words 'Jim Davidson' are enough to anger me. Piers declared JD was once 'the funniest man on television'. Christ!
I covered the whole Hell's kitchen/ Brian hate at the time, but the 'a lot of shirtlifters have the same face' comment still causes a gut reaction of utter horror.
Jim Davidson saying 'what one does...' is a bit of a joke. Oh look, he's got glasses on, he's an intellectual... not.
The way he talks, you think he'd been brought up in the 1900s, like black people were a foreign species.
URGH! His wife-beating defence; 'I was with her for three months and she accused me of battering her, I was with my other wife for 30 years and there was not one allegation'. So fucking what? It only takes ONE time, one occasion, you only need to murder someone once to be a murderer. And notice the use of the wording; 'there was not one allegation', not 'I didn't do it.' He didn't say he didn't do it. Not that people can't change; but not people who duck and dive questions like that. He directly avoided answering the question. Guilty!
Just when you thought he couldn't be any more grossly offensive...
Piers: 'How do black people react to you?' Jim: 'which ones, British ones, or the ones over here giving out parking tickets? Just when we got to like black people they made them fucking traffic wardens.' Fucking hell. The hate is ingrained deeply in this man. It's not 'perception', Jim, you ARE full of hate.
Oh my God! Piers: 'Are you proud to be a sexist?' Jim: 'Yes I please guilty, I don't like them.' Them! Then he said, 'Jethro tells a great joke- why do doctors smack babies on the arse; to knock the cocks off the stupid ones.' And goes on to say he thinks there's a lot to be said for that joke. That joke makes no fucking sense, anatomically or otherwise. Do you hate your own daughter, you stupid cunt? And you're calling ME stupid? Fucking hell. I'd rather be dead than be as stupid as you.
Also, you're not BORN an alcoholic, as he suggested. But you ARE born gay, so why don't you leave gay people alone, you pig-faced prick?
Oh my god, he had an affair on his FOURTH wife, and has the audacity to say 'that was the man who ended their family life' about the journalist who told his kids about it. 'How do they sleep when they split up that family of mine?' Very easily I would have thought! IT'S YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU DID IT! Typical wife-beater, typical alcoholic, everyone to blame but himself. Absolutely disgusting, sickening, tragic. And not ALL men cheat, as he claims. Some men do. Some don't.
Oh christ; on the Brian Dowling thing, he has this to say: 'he might be gay, poof, shirtlifter, sausage jockey, whatever, it wasn't the fact he was gay, it was the fact he was an arsehole.' No he wasn't. He was one of the best loved Big Brother contestants of all time, a genuinely decent person and peculiarly, my boyfriend is still obsessed with him (and The Mint, I know, it's very sad).
Jim: 'It's not offensive to the gay people I know'; you don't know any fucking gay people, you cunt, because they wouldn't come within five hundred miles of you! 'It was only offensive because he wanted it to be offensive'- bullshit! I was seriously fucking offended. Friends were texting, upset about it at the time. It was DISGUSTING. Only 300 complaints? That's shocking in itself. The roof should have been blown off Offcom.
If Jim Davidson's son came home and said he was gay he said he'd say 'how can I help you?' Probably by dragging him off to the local evangelical Christians for some electric shock therapy, I would have thought.
Whoever that one was at the end who said 'he's like a masochist and enjoying it' is right. Davidson enjoys being hated. So let's indulge him.
Piers; you were too creepy towards him. But what's new. You are the media he was moaning about. You just sat there and took it. Dur. Go wank off over Britain's Got Talent instead, you puffy-faced gimpaloid.
Jim Davidson; another thing from the 80s to put in the dustbin.

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Conor Documentary: One of a Kind- The Story of the Mystic Valley Band

I'll never forget my crushing sense of disappointment when I bought the Evening with Saddle Creek DVD; how can a DVD with The Faint, Cursive, Rilo Kiley and Bright Eyes on be so bloody boring? But it was. Too much dull waffle. It's weird when one of your biggest idols is actually not that charismatic; yet his music says everything.
I'm not the biggest champion of Conor and his Mystic Valley Band (come on, have you ever met anyone who is?) but I would die for the merest sprinkle of Bright Eyes stardust.
So I sat down to watch this documentary with trepidation. But hey, this documentary is free, so it would be churlish to complain anyway. Still, I'm sure it won't stop me.
I don't hate the Conor solo album, I think Eagle on a Pole, Lenders in the Temple and Milk Thistle are beautiful (oh, and Breezy). But I really can't abide that country guitar sound. I swear the more country he gets, the less shouting he does. And the fact he lets all of them sing does my head in. They are not worthy! Aw, he doesn't want them to sit on the sidelines. But not everyone can be a lead singer, can they? They don't let the duff ones at the back of Coldplay do their own songs, do they (they probably do actually, like when Take That lets Howard Donald have a go).
Five minutes in and the documentary just appeared to be songs, and clips of photos, which suited me to be honest, I don't really care about the studio, or the hi-hat, or how they all get along so well.
Oh. And so it begins. The banal chatter. One of them is sorely lacking a neck and appears to have a serious dental problem. I only like the one who plays the violin and who's in Bright Eyes and likes playing 'I Believe in Symmetry.' His name will come to me eventually. No, NOT Mike Mogis. Nick!
There's another one who's like a faux Conor. But what's the point when you have the real one there?
OMG. Ill-advised Conor beard. When I watched Louis the other night, ALL the sex offenders had beards. Beards are NEVER good. Come on Conor, you're already making your music tedious, don't go ugly too. Give us a rock to cling to. I know it's hard work being so pretty and everything, and being a heart-throb as well as a genius, but it could be worse; at least you don't have to get up early and suffer through failed performance reviews like in my miserable life. Those sideburns later on were just about acceptable, I suppose.
What is that bloody track with the didgeridoo on? It's interminable. Conor's ad libs between songs aren't much cop, either. Oh my god, and when he does that 'check, check, check' thing. It's as bad as Morrissey's intro tapes. Just play the fucking tunes! In fact, play ONLY the tunes I want to hear! Right?
It was nice seeing Conor shed a tear when Obama won the election.
So the whole band wrote songs called 'Eagle on a Pole'? That must be disappointing when you go see them and hear one of the crappy ones.
This documentary is worth a look but only if you're a diehard fan. Oh and download it if you can. The streaming made my eyes hurt and I kept having to pause it so it could catch up which was a bit of a rigmarole. But the version I downloaded first didn't work. Painful!
Conor said his approach to making music has changed from 5 or 10 years ago and hopefully it will change again in the future. I hope so too, I hope he becomes adventurous again, and not so plodding. He's my age!
I'm looking forward to the album, of course (except the cameos), but I'm still left wishing Conor would just put on some shoulderpads, team up with Patrick Wolf and do some thrash-techno. Is that too much to ask, as Morrissey once warbled in a very mediocre song. And how apt.
Oh and at the end, it turned out it was just one big advert, like in Starship Troopers.

Monday, 20 April 2009

The Truth About Online Anorexia/ Louis Theroux/ Slumdog Millionaire

Forgive me, folks, I'm about a week behind on TV at the moment, thanks to my stupid aerial, but you can probably still get this stuff on catch up, innit, if it's that bloody good. This is my mish-mash blog, with something for nobody.
And so another asinine TV presenter makes a 'serious' documentary (hi there, Alesha Dixon and Louise Nurding). This time it's crow-faced Fearne Cotton checking out 'pro-ana' websites (good advertising for them, right?) in The Truth About Anorexia.
Fearne looked at an anorexia messageboard and said 'how is this even online?' How naive is she? There's kids being raped online, Fearne, you can download anything in your wildest dreams. It's a free-for-all! It's the INTERNET. Best friend to the mentally ill and the grotesquely lonely. Plus, you're advertising it.
Fearne then went to visit some schoolkids to tell them not to worry about being fat, whilst being very thin herself. What a good role model. It was sick hearing children talk about calories, but all children are doomed now, anyway.
As usual in these programmes Fearne took the hypocritical step of 'trying out' an anorexia 'diet' (again, what a good role model).
She read on a messageboard, 'Fat people can't fit anywhere'. They can fit some places, just not through turnstiles. Fearne then made a collage of thin people to provide 'thinspiration' (giving them ideas) and said 'the last time I made a collage was when I was about 7.' Really, you're missing out, my collages are the talk of the town!
Woah, anorexia is the biggest killer of any mental illness in the UK and one in five girls with it dies of the condition! Wow, that's a lot.
Fearne then went to meet the mother of a girl who died of anorexia aged 19. Her mum told her to 'just eat more food' which is my general feeling towards anorexia. But I'm not so stupid that I think it's that easy. But how can they look in the mirror and think they look nice when they look like frail old women? It truly is a mental illness, like you go blind or something. The pictures are so horrific. It's like a horror-show.
But I don't believe celebrity causes it. Yet I don't believe it helps, either.
How awful to watch your child die of a self-inflicted illness like that.
When I was researching my novel I visited a lot of self-harm sites and they were pretty grim.Those galleries were not pretty, but they were proud of the mutilation. There's fucked-up people out there. In a way it's good they have a community that isn't the whitewashed media, but actually content with no filters is dangerous, too. I'm forever glad there was no internet when I was a young teenager.
Also, Fearne, you're not a children's TV presenter anymore (are you?) Could you stop talking in that patronising voice. Thanks.
Oh I also saw Louis Theroux's show on paedophiles which was excellent, obviously. There's not much to say about it, just watch it. Louis says more with one raised eyebrow than Fearne could in an entire lifetime. The woman in control of the bloody place was worse that the paedos! She was so stiff and robotic she made you side with child molesters. That's not right on any level.
PPS. I was going to do a whole blog on Slumdog Millionaire as I finally watched it, but what's the point, everyone has already seen it, so I'll just say a few irrelevant words. I thought it was beautifully shot, put together well, and I enjoyed it greatly. It deserved all the acclaim. I liked the British call-centre, plus my boyfriend found the Millionaire music playing over a dramatic scene near the end very funny. The dance was a nice touch, too. Probably the best bit was when he 'phoned a friend'- it was a real heart-stopper.
I thought the woman love interest was slightly miscast as she was a little too glam for Dev's character, and the film was a bit depressing at times, (no shit given the subject matter), but those were my only niggles. The children in it were excellent (don't sell her, you bastard dad git) and super-cute. The evil Chris Tarrant figure was really horrid, and excellently realised.
Next: Deal or No Deal: the feature film? I live in hope.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Gig: Bloc Party live at the Olympia Grand Hall

I went to see Bloc Party on Easter Sunday! Woo, I'm hoping to see ALL my favourite bands this year. In fact I'm seeing Morrissey three times... but that's next month.
A word of advice: read the goddamn ticket yourself! We ended up going to Earls Court instead of Olympia because of a 'technical error' with my boyfriend's brain. Already feeling worse for wear from the night before, every additional step was pain. Plus we had no money for a drink. Then were greeted by sniffer dogs, which seems a bit much. What are we gonna do, toke someone to death?
We got there JUST in time for the end of Bloc Party's first song, so I cannot tell you what Wet Paint or the Foals were like, although fictional psychopath David Platt likes the Foals, so that's one mark against them.
The Olympia Grand Hall was massive, and half empty. I thought this gig had sold out? There was tons of room in there, and we got right down at the front to the side (we couldn't go too far in as we were both feeling a little queasy, in fact I was struggling to keep standing for the first half- but that's my fault, not Bloc Party's).
I thought the setlist wasn't THAT hot at first, it seems a bit second-album heavy, which is, of course, their worst album. That one about going to mall and mentioning the freeway always makes me balk a bit, for obvious reasons.
However, I thought things really picked up about a third in, particularly with Banquet, Two More Years, This Modern Love, Blue Light, The Prayer and Mercury. I LOVE Mercury live, and was so glad they didn't play it first so I didn't miss it. At wireless they played it first so I was panicking.
Kele was in good spirits, wearing a silly bunny outfit for the encore and getting fluff stuck to his face. Oh and they finished with Flux! They had lasers and everything, it was the perfect ending.
One thing I will say, I don't think the acoustics were great in this venue, it sounded like his mic was a bit quiet at first. I've heard louder at festivals, which shouldn't be the case (mind you, nothing could top Glastonbury for completely destroying the Killers gig for me- bastard Eavis!)
So, Bloc Party. Everyone was about 12, but we still enjoyed it. If you haven't got the new album, you should. Even their b-sides are excellent.
Come on, I'll do you a mixtape, let's go old skool.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

The Apprentice: Potential banana skin

Last week I read an interview with Alan Sugar-tits in which be bragged about how much money he's got. Crass! And spare me this 'previously on The Apprentice...' crap; it's not like some great drama we need reminding about. Previously some idiots did something dumb and someone got fired. There. Can I have my five minutes back?
As for the 'their arseholes are going to be twitching like rabbit's noses' comment (sadly not said by Alan); so blatantly scripted; it's hardly something that springs effortlessly to mind. This is what I hate about this show now; contrived, contrived, contrived.
Words to fear people saying: 'skill-set.' Words not to call old people 'biddies'. So, what do I hate more than work? Ah, exercise. Alan set them a task to create a piece of home exercise equipment 'as we can't afford to go to fancy gyms'. Can't be bothered, more like. One guy suggested inventing 'something you could incorporate during sex which creates resistance whilst you're doing it.' What, like a rape victim?
There was a piddling race row in the middle involving 'The Ethnic Minority Sportswear club.' It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? The one with a face like a shovel got a bit fiesty but nothing really happened. Does it ever?
One team created a space hopper for the arse, and the other invented some gigantic torture machine. The arse-hopper was a hit. The hobby-horse; not so much.
Glad to see Alan picking up on the '110%' plague. I still don't know any of the names, until they get fired! Tonights victim was beardy bloke because he did fack all.
The end.

Friday, 3 April 2009

American Idol: Alleged Artistry

The reason I haven't written about this yet is because I never get around to watching it until Sunday, so my thoughts seem a little irrelevant by then. But I HAVE been watching, and tonight I'm all alone so watched this weeks offerings in one go.
Firstly, I kind of like the new judge, whatsherface. What 'props' does Paula have under the table (apart from the obvious- glug glug glug).
The 'theme' weeks have been absolutely turgid this year; country music, motown, Micheal fucking Jackson. So I'm glad we were free of the tyranny tonight and they could choose any song they liked. Also, I am not very impressed with the contestants. A lot of the ones I wanted to go through to the finals didn't. But here we go;
Anoop: I like Anoop and was glad when he got through by thought he had gone downhill since My Prerogative- the sickly ballads weren't really doing it for me. Although tonight I thought he was mildly ridiculous.
I think Megan has been beyond hopeless for weeks, she sings like she's pissed out of her head. She's cute but crap.
Danny looks like an accountant. My brain goes into hibernation when he comes on. Has he got a dead wife? I know he CAN sing; I can hear it, but it just bores me rigid. Paula said she'd hit repeat in her car. But he's not in your car, you drunk old bat.
I like Alison aka mini Kerry Katona. She's got a really good voice. Oh god, she did 'Don't Speak'- stick your bindi on. She reminded me of Pink during this performance. Lovely hair colour too. Don't know why Randy dissed her clothes; she looked cute. Has he never heard of emo?
Scott; sigh! Hating one blind person is bad enough (Mikey from BB, the memory lingers) but two seems cruel. But come on, he is ONLY IN IT BECAUSE HE'S BLIND. He is SHIT! I can't STAND it! That song he did was agony. He's OFF! HE CAN'T SING! He's flat! Get rid! Yet again and again the judges let him get away with it! One of the best of the night? NO! Pathetic.
As for Matt; if you asked me what his name was before Ryan said it, I wouldn't have had a clue. He is duller than dull. I didn't mind the song he did tonight, though, but he was a bit growly. Still, the best he's done so far, for me. So quite obvious that the judges would hate it!
I don't like Lil Rounds, I find her a bit smug. Liked her bob tonight though. Her voice went right through me. If you wince, it's not that good, is it?
My favourite is Adam aka Feet Wentz. What did they DO to him last week? He looked like a spotty little choirboy! Don't destroy the emo! But when he did Ring of Fire the week before he was amazing! I HATE 'play that funky music' but he seemed absolutely in his element. I didn't like his quiff though, he looked like Superman. His voice is like a billion times better than anyone else's though. His range is seriously impressive. He really seems like he has that 'star quality' they bang on about. Now bring back the fringe (and the boy-snogging).
Kris Allen aka the monkey I also find a little boring. Yeah he's easy on the eye, but so's beige. Aint No Sunshine. Urgh. But hold on, he was actually quite good; the best I've seen him actually.
Results show; what was Megan's crow thing about? She was being quite insufferable towards the end so not sorry to see her go. Lady Gaga; you looked like Donatella Versace tonight, and that aint a good thing. Your five minutes are up, fuck off, love.
PS: I still love Randy, dawg.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

The Sex Education Show vs Pornography (Weds)

It was the men's turn for ritual humiliation last night, and after complaining about the fannies the day before, I have to say, the willies weren't much to look at either. Why can't our sexual organs be a bit... sexier?
There was also a bit about sex toys yesterday. The presenter acted like she's never seen a gag or a dildo before. How ridiculous to say a guy can't compete with a vibrator! I find the human attached to the end of a penis to be be quite useful for, you know, going out and getting me a bag of chips after. Oh, and you know, the odd conversation.
Tonight they looked at if 'the porn star look' affects how 'normal' women look. Fearndia Cotwink (I haven't learnt her name yet) went to meet some very unrepresentative women who spend a grand a month on hair extensions and said things about 'pleasing my man'. After that FC decided to have a 'porn star makeover' which involved fake tan, falsh nails and so on (it was more of a WAG makeover). Then she went 'do I feel sexy, no I feel like a slag.' Nice! What a great word to put into teenager's heads, hearty congratulations. One thing you aint is a feminist. But you did look like a drag queen. Personally I don't care if other women want to look 'glam' or 'natural'- what's it got to do with sex, really? Not much. It's just about judging women, as ever. She said 'do you like what the porn look says about you?' but it's not a 'porn look'; some women just like dressing up, like the Snog, Marry, Avoid lot. If people judge you on that, I say fuck 'em.
The condom class was quite useful; why hasn't something better been invented by now? They're pretty rubbish aren't they? All that effort and squeaky latex; urgh. I'd rather not bother. It seems like they rip really easily, too! I think someone needs to sort this out; possibily in the Dragon's Den.
The porn star she interviewed said he does 'gay for pay'; but how does he get a hard on? Would viagra do it? I don't get it. Oh... my boyfriend explained it to me. You can go gay for pay... but only if you fancy it a bit.

The Apprentice: I am just a Patsy

Here we go again. Sandwich making this week- riveting.
The women's project manager, down-turny mouthed Yasmina: 'Every day I execute delivering cooking'- not the finest example of English you'll ever hear, I'm sure. Let's hope she cooks better than she can string a sentence together. Ah. They bought a bunch of value food, then she demanded everyone call her 'chef' whilst they cooked. Their food was described as 'looking like coming from a funeral at a working men's club' by one of their own team! Enough said.
The men meanwhile dressed up like twats for no apparent reason. You'd think the guy who runs sandwich bars for a living would be a shoe-in, I mean Alan might as well have given it to him on a plate (do you like my Apprentice-style cliches?). Yet still, they lost.
Who do everyone's eyes look so BLUE in the boardroom? Alan quoted one of the numpties as saying, 'When I wake up in the morning I can taste success in my spit.' Yum!
Haha at Alan pronouncing resume wrong. Why not just say CV, thicko?
Shame Rocky went, but if he can't do a task which is basically doing his own job, what CAN he do?
In conclusion; the problem with The Apprentice is the whole show is just one cunt sandwich. Still not enjoying it! Will still watch it to the bitter end.