Sunday, 25 December 2011

Christmas Top of the Pops 2012

I'm blogging this on my phone so if it disappears halfway though, I wouldn't be surprised. I have got my netbook but my dinner's nearly ready so have to be ready to bust a move. I've already got the stink eye for eating a crisp sandwich too near dinner time.
Ah they've dug up reggie and fearne again. Delightful. Makes me pine for Jonathan King.
Example has got a face like a jug-eared child blowing up a balloon.
What is the difference between Example and Professor Green? They both look like chubby-faced little oiks you used to go to school with. Maybe I'm too old. But I suspect it's just rubbish, isn't it? Read all about it. No ta.
Will Young. That's some groovy dancing he's doing there. He looks like he's had a heavy night on whatever posh people drink.
Olly Murs looks fat but I think it might be my mum's huge telly. Is he not doing the one about the crab?
Ed Sheeran now. Nice jumper. There's not been a woman on yet. This is worse than Matt Cardie.
The Wanted. Do not want. Sexists.
Jessie J. Go away. Rubbish songs, odious personality. Dressed like a Christmas decoration. That plaster cast was the height of her career, it really was.
Didn't chewing over notes like that go out of fashion in the 90s?
Noah and the Whale. I guess that's the indie box ticked. Nothing for me this year, obviously. My mum is unimpressed with both Noah, the whale and Jessie J. She also predicted 'people will get sick of her soon.' Soon?
Even Pixie Lott has got out the washing machine for her song. Honestly 90s dance culture has been pillaged thoroughly this year. Darude, you were ahead of your time.
The only good thing I can say about this TOTP is they haven't repeatedly told up what's coming up for once. Probably because they're too embarrassed.
I don't know who The Vaccines are but my mums boyfriend said 'they sound like a group you see in a pub' and I don't think he meant it as a compliment.
Adele is beautiful. But she's not for me.
I missed who this band is. They're like a mini so solid crew. Probably the worst thing so far and that's saying something.
On an unrelated topic my mum just said 'I'm not homophobic. Some of my best friends are gay.'
Jimmy Saville: RIP.
My mum's boyfriend seems to think Little Mix are called Pick n Mix. If only. He is now saying one of them looks like a pig. It's not her fault what she looks like and I think she's cute anyway. Cannon bollocks! Little muffins!
Military wives. Are there no military husbands? Fuck the war. All of 'em.
My dins still not ready. But that's good cos I got to do my blog. Happy Christmas. I haven't even started drinking yet.

Friday, 23 December 2011

X Factor USA: Just one last word.

Thought I better blog this as I didn't even bother to blog the UK X Factor results. It must be a big night as Steve's got a dickie bow on. That's certainly adding a sense of gravitas to the evening.
God, looking at the final 12, what a shower of uselessness. I quite liked that Glee rip-off group who went the first week. Lakota Rain or whatever they're called should be drowned in a bag. I'd like to see the petulant Drew and the precocious Rachel Crowe never again, please. Astro has more talent in his little arrogant finger than all of them put together, and he's a little tosser.
Paula's talking turkey as usual. God, I really hope that Melanie Amaro doesn't win. She just rubs me up the wrong way. Oh they're doing festive numbers first. Great. All I Want for Christmas is You is a good one, though.
Everything that comes out of Steve Jones's mouth sounds laced with insincerity. I mean, it's obvious Dermot doesn't like pop music, but at least he sounds warm to the acts after they sing.
Chris is just about getting away with singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Uh. Yeah. Uh huh. Aw, Chris's messages from his family were sweet. He could win on goodwill and a killer sob story alone.
I've been supporting Josh all the way through but his song choices lately have been quite duff. He's got the voice, but I'm finding him quite boring. Does he have the X Factor? Also his tears didn't look as sincere as Chris's. I think he had to force them out!
Justin Beiber makes me want to quite a Morrissey lyric: 'when will you die? When will you die? When will you die?' Luckily I'm watching this about an hour behind so I don't have to listen to this turkey. Oh, fuck off Drew. Your attitude absolutely stunk and I'm glad you got the boot.
Oh no, Chris Rene in third place! Boo. Josh better win, now. I can't stand to see Melanie win it. Probably didn't help that Chris's mentor LA said Melanie did a 50 million dollar performance last night. Uh oh, Steve's losing control of his contestants. Pull it together, boyo.
Leona's on. Why isn't she doing Nine Inch Nails? Why is she always covering indie songs, anyway? She definitely sings Run better that Gary Lightbody. I can't even write the name 'Gary Lightbody' without laughing. He's the only man in pop that makes Chris Martin look well groomed.
Simon's face when Paula is prattling on is hilarious, it's like he's humouring some old dear.
50 Cent is championing women's rights as usual, I see. I bet he's got a big sign with his name on like that in his house. But as my mum said once, hasn't he got lovely teeth? LOL, can't believe he's still rolling out 'it's yer birthday'- why isn't he singing the line about giving you some X if you're into taking drugs? Huh? Astro is out-rapping 50 Cent. Shame.
Something bad has happened. I've caught up with my recording and now I'm having to watch Neo and Pitbull and I'm quite upset about it. Luckily, I'm about to drink some champagne, which should take the edge off. Got any 'X' going spare, Fiddy? Let's make this a proper on-Puff-Daddy's-boat affair.
Where's the winner's single? Aren't they going to do a sing off? They're doing a duet of Heroes. Please tell me David Bowie isn't going to get involved. LOL the doors opened behind them but no one was there. Maybe he got tied up at the Goblin City. That was an anti-climax and a half.
Melanie got it! That's a shame, she has got a good voice, but she doesn't do it for me. It was quite rude the way she just ignored Steve at the end, too.That's the final nail in his coffin, anyway. 'Just one last word, Melanie.... just one last word.' It's the new 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges.'
Is this the winner's song? No one knows, cos no one's told us! Well done, suckers.
I really hate this song. I'm going to get drunk. Ta-ra! See you on the next plane home, Steve. I hear Take it or Leave It is looking for a new host. If not, Toby Anstis probably needs a break from TV Scrabble.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

X Factor USA: The final

And another ending begins. So what have I learnt this series? Steve Jones's charmless confidence is amusing when he's under pressure. Look closely and you can see the panic in his eyes as he peeks at that little card and forces himself to cuddle a crying child. LA Reid doing a strange dance to a strobey/washing machine song one week and looking like he was in the electric chair (someone must have done a gif of it). Nicola Scherzinger curling up like a woodlouse when she had to actually make a decision. Paula Abdul is pretty useless as a judge when she's not off her face. Simon lacks someone to spar with, and it sucks a lot of the humour out of the show.
And what a weird final three we're left with. Josh should clearly win. Chris is loveable but not sure how he made it to the final three (although one of the best first auditions I've ever seen). I can't warm to Melanie, I find her singing all old fashioned, and I'm still annoyed she was putting on a posh accent and now she's talking in her 'real' accent. It's like Will Young coming out of the closet straight after he won Pop Idol. Just be honest, why don't you, we can deal with it.
I doubt a person on the planet could annoy me as much as Nicole Scherzinger does. The shit that comes out of her mouth makes me want to scream - energy, positive attitudes, God. You wrote a song (sorry, didn't write, SANG) a song that pitted girls against one another and set them up as enemies, just something that's after your boyfriend and to call uglier than you. So don't ever try and talk to me about positivity, when you made your dirty coin on sexualising young girls, selling them an unobtainable and damaging image to aspire to and pitting them against one another. Her complete insincerity, her fake poor-little-me face, her wishy-washy opinions and when she does her preacher man voice followed by her simpering little girl act - the whole thing is just one big performance, and at the heart of it is something rotten, something dead inside. Honestly, Cheryl Cole is worth 100 of her, and she's my fourth favourite member of Girls Aloud. At least she's a real person, not a humanoid, like Scherbot2000.
WTF is this tuneless old dirge Josh is singing. Ahhhh.... Alanis Morrissette, that explains it. Time for a new haircut, horsey. I hope he's not going to lose because of this whiny bitch.
OMG they're making Chris Rene sing with Avril Lavinge. Call the exterminator, load the traps. Poor Chris, he must be so embarrassed. There's your streed cred gone out the window. Avril outsung him totally, I don't think he got a note in tune.
Has Melanie Amaro had a boob job? LOL just when you think it couldn't get any worse, we get R Kelly. Put him back in the fucking closet. Is he even allowed on TV these days? I'm glad no more acts are in the competition, we'd probably see Astro vs Gary Glitter or Drew getting a beat down from Chris Brown. Very tasteful, Simon, finger on the pulse as ever.
LA Reid on I Believe I Can Fly; 'that is one of the most important songs written in the past 50 years.' LOL. Yeah right up there with 'Get Away' by Lenny Kravitz and 'Life' by Des'ree.
What a fucking barrel scrape for celebs. Seriously, was Rhianna or Buble not available *snort*?
Why are they so up Michael Jackson's arse on this show, too? I think Blanket's face said it all a couple of shows ago. *roll eyes, pass the jesus juice*
Melanie is sooooo old fashioned. Have you ever seen her smile? She bores the hell out of me. I know Chris can't sing but at least he's unique and sparky.
I like Chris's original song. I'd like to see him win it in a way. I'd like to see the look on his face. I love it when they cut to LA Reid dancing or singing! It's so incongruous with his tough talk.
Also, are you seriously telling me Simon is coming back to judge Britan's Got Talent (ie. let's mock some mentals) but won't come back to do our X Factor? If it's a scheduling thing, just move ours, we don't get the Christmas Number 1 anymore anyway. That just goes to some 'wives' (aren't there any military husbands?). I digress.
Until tomorrow.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

X Factor: The final

So obviously I've still been watching X Factor, even though it's fairly turgid (as is the US version). I like Marcus, Little Mix and Amelia. I don't like Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, or Tulisa.
I don't know who I want to win, really. Little Mix are fun and Amelia has the best voice, but I've always liked Marcus, too, although the songs they keep making him do are interminable. It makes it a bit boring when you don't really care who wins, I want a Rhydian character to despise and hiss at.
I know one thing, Dermot seems to be having a lot more fun on the UK one than Steve 'crab eyes' Jones ever does o'er the sea.
I'd be a bit disappointed to find out I was duetting with Kelly Rowland and not, say, Lady Gaga or whoever they usually have on.
How many times tonight are we going to hear 'it would be great for a girl group to win it' and 'Amelia is the comeback kid'.
Does it favour Marcus if they all sing a Take That song at the start? It looks like they haven't bothered doing Amelia's hair.
Gary Barlow has been the particular bugbear of the series, pissing all over everything with his dour, pinched little face and a voice Jordan would consider monotone. Oh, look at Gary winning over Marcus's gran. I'll just forget about all the dirty tricks he's pulled this season, such as calling Amelia 'shouty' when she's a much better singer than Marcus.
Marcus sounds out of tune doing Outkast. At least he's doing something different, I suppose, but I've hated every song he's done since 'Smooth Like Jagger' and I only like that because it makes me laugh. Stop going 'woo', Marcus. I feel like I'm watching CDUK.
I'm thrillled that little runt Jeff Brazier isn't doing the outside broadcasts this year. I don't like Olly Murs, but I think Caroline Flack is good, she's quite natural.
When Tulisa goes 'it's my little muffins, little mix' it makes me cringe. Little Mix visited four people's home towns, so that's four times the votes, right? Little fix, lol!
Little Mix sang loads better than Marcus. I thought they were quite entertaining. I think I'd quite like to see them win it. They're like Manga girls.
I bet Kelly Rowland has never been in a house as small as Amelia's. She probably keeps her dog in a similar square-footage.
I wish Amelia would stop wearing that baby pink coat with her baby pink hair. Enough with the baby pink!
Oh, god, now she's come out in a vile baby pink dress! I think the stylist is in cahoots with Gary Barlow. I hate this song so much. Little Mix FTW, it's decided. She should have done a good power ballad.
Every time I see JLS I always think about that one going 'merry Christmas' which they took the mick out of on TV Burp. JLS outsung One Direction by a mile. My boyfriend says the One Direction lyrics sound like a 'paedo trying to court a four year old'. Mash up! Those two songs go together like Pat Sharpe and tact.
Marcus's baby pictures were cute. What's this song him and GBar are signing? Turgid times! Should have done Flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood. It's not exactly Matt Cardie trying to hump Rhianna, is it? I honestly think Marcus has blown it.
Tulisa looks like a grandma up there with Little Mix. Her outfit is all wrong, she looks like Cruella. I think it was a bit too po-faced. I think they should have gone a bit more fluffy - they should have sung the Spice Girls or something.
Kelly's song choices are so, so, so out of touch. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if Amelia went home tonight. All those duets were whack, actually.
Why is Leona Lewis singing Nine Inch Nails? She should do 'I want to fuck you like an animal' instead. 'I want to feel you from the inside out.. you bring me close to God' etc. Every song Leona Lewis covers is the same from Run to this, it's just one big build up, just a big vocal show-off. She's got the voice though. But can she write a song? Hair-watch: I prefered hers curly.
Buble! The flukiest man in pop. How did he get so famous, all does is covers. And he's looking a bit porky. I do like him though! Not his music, but he seems like someone you could take home to meet your mum.
WTF is the point in saying 'good luck to everyone'? You might as well say 'good luck to none of you!'
Amelia is gone. It feels like the right result in a way. I kind of think Marcus is going to win. He seems hugely popular. Amelia took it well - I suppose she's used to it!
The cutest final two ever! They look like they should be made into dolls and given away with Happy meals. Marcus is the same height as Little Mix, too.
I just want to mention Steve 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges' Jones once more before I go. Simon must look at Dermot's easy charm and gran-friendly humour and weep. See you tomorrow.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

The Walking Died

The Walking Dead has been so spectacularly shit this season, that I almost don't know where to start. To be fair, after the first couple of episodes of the first series, it began to look a little shaky, but this season has just meandered in circles like a confused zombie locked in that bloody hayloft.
The blame has to lie in the characters, who are all resolutely duff. So duff, we had a competition to try and remember one person's name in it except Rick two episodes ago, and could not. We're still calling the Asian dude Eric. I didn't even know what Rick's wife was called. I still can't name his partner. This is totally unnaceptable after a series and a half. And why don't we know what the characters are called? because we don't give a shit about any of them. Did you really care when redneck dude got shot? No, he has no redeeming features. Do you care about that missing child (will she ever fucking turn up, she's been missing longer than Madeleine McCann). Worse was the saga of Rick's kid getting shot - I don't care! Honestly, I felt like I was giving the little bastard blood myself for all the entertainment he sucked out of the show. I hate the blonde woman with the dead sister beyond words. I hate the old interfering dude more. I quite like Rick's partner but only recently since he did over that fat bloke.
I feel like there's been about three zombies in this whole series. You're literally just sitting there waiting for the zombies and they never come. I'm praying for someone to get their head ripped off. Anyone.
Everyone who lives on that farm is a cunt, especially Dr. Sanctimonious. I'm praying Rick is going to take him out at some point, but by the time it happens, I won't care anymore, because it will probably be season 18. The storylines move so slow, and there's tons of interminable chat where nothing happens, or they practice shooting their guns (shouldn't they be saving ammo?) and you find out nothing new about anyone, nothing to make you care about them, but just pray for them to get killed. Kill them all! The token black guy who cut himself so ridiculously unrealistically on a car (wouldn't he have pulled away?) The shaven headed abused woman. Rick's skinny, annoying wife. Anyone! Just someone die, please.
Annoyingly, there are some little kernels of interesting storylines like the affair, and that black English guy who was in the 1st episode of Season 1. When will he come back? I actually liked him. I kept expecting the guy who has his hand off to turn up but he never did (except in a rubbishy flashback). It feels like they've forgotten to write half the storylines. It's like Lost, which I gave up on a lot sooner.
I was shocked when something actually happened with the affair storyline last week, but it just felt like too little, too late. I don't see how they can pull this series back now. My boyfriend is threatening not to watch it anymore. I think I'm only still watching it cos there's nothing on at the moment (hence why my blog is quiet, but it will pick up, I promise).
The worst episode was when that stupid thing was stuck down the well. That was the ONLY zombie in that episode. There was one funny line in that one, but on the whole, the show is entirely humourless. I don't CARE about anyone! I want to care. Please make me care.
They had a flashback to helicopters going over and the city getting bombed at one point last episode and I thought 'THAT'S the show I want to watch' not a bunch of arseholes in tents moaning about the environment. *insert St Paul's joke here*
Also, why do they keep going back to that chemist with a shopping list? Just take a fucking binbag and clear it out, you idiots. You'll have all the cod liver oil you'll ever need and you won't risk getting your arm ripped off.
And take that fucking Sheriff hat off, Rick, you look like a douche. What sort of person wears their work uniform AFTER the apocalypse? It's INSANE. Ace accent, though. In fact, you're the only good thing in it.