Thursday, 22 December 2011

X Factor USA: The final

And another ending begins. So what have I learnt this series? Steve Jones's charmless confidence is amusing when he's under pressure. Look closely and you can see the panic in his eyes as he peeks at that little card and forces himself to cuddle a crying child. LA Reid doing a strange dance to a strobey/washing machine song one week and looking like he was in the electric chair (someone must have done a gif of it). Nicola Scherzinger curling up like a woodlouse when she had to actually make a decision. Paula Abdul is pretty useless as a judge when she's not off her face. Simon lacks someone to spar with, and it sucks a lot of the humour out of the show.
And what a weird final three we're left with. Josh should clearly win. Chris is loveable but not sure how he made it to the final three (although one of the best first auditions I've ever seen). I can't warm to Melanie, I find her singing all old fashioned, and I'm still annoyed she was putting on a posh accent and now she's talking in her 'real' accent. It's like Will Young coming out of the closet straight after he won Pop Idol. Just be honest, why don't you, we can deal with it.
I doubt a person on the planet could annoy me as much as Nicole Scherzinger does. The shit that comes out of her mouth makes me want to scream - energy, positive attitudes, God. You wrote a song (sorry, didn't write, SANG) a song that pitted girls against one another and set them up as enemies, just something that's after your boyfriend and to call uglier than you. So don't ever try and talk to me about positivity, when you made your dirty coin on sexualising young girls, selling them an unobtainable and damaging image to aspire to and pitting them against one another. Her complete insincerity, her fake poor-little-me face, her wishy-washy opinions and when she does her preacher man voice followed by her simpering little girl act - the whole thing is just one big performance, and at the heart of it is something rotten, something dead inside. Honestly, Cheryl Cole is worth 100 of her, and she's my fourth favourite member of Girls Aloud. At least she's a real person, not a humanoid, like Scherbot2000.
WTF is this tuneless old dirge Josh is singing. Ahhhh.... Alanis Morrissette, that explains it. Time for a new haircut, horsey. I hope he's not going to lose because of this whiny bitch.
OMG they're making Chris Rene sing with Avril Lavinge. Call the exterminator, load the traps. Poor Chris, he must be so embarrassed. There's your streed cred gone out the window. Avril outsung him totally, I don't think he got a note in tune.
Has Melanie Amaro had a boob job? LOL just when you think it couldn't get any worse, we get R Kelly. Put him back in the fucking closet. Is he even allowed on TV these days? I'm glad no more acts are in the competition, we'd probably see Astro vs Gary Glitter or Drew getting a beat down from Chris Brown. Very tasteful, Simon, finger on the pulse as ever.
LA Reid on I Believe I Can Fly; 'that is one of the most important songs written in the past 50 years.' LOL. Yeah right up there with 'Get Away' by Lenny Kravitz and 'Life' by Des'ree.
What a fucking barrel scrape for celebs. Seriously, was Rhianna or Buble not available *snort*?
Why are they so up Michael Jackson's arse on this show, too? I think Blanket's face said it all a couple of shows ago. *roll eyes, pass the jesus juice*
Melanie is sooooo old fashioned. Have you ever seen her smile? She bores the hell out of me. I know Chris can't sing but at least he's unique and sparky.
I like Chris's original song. I'd like to see him win it in a way. I'd like to see the look on his face. I love it when they cut to LA Reid dancing or singing! It's so incongruous with his tough talk.
Also, are you seriously telling me Simon is coming back to judge Britan's Got Talent (ie. let's mock some mentals) but won't come back to do our X Factor? If it's a scheduling thing, just move ours, we don't get the Christmas Number 1 anymore anyway. That just goes to some 'wives' (aren't there any military husbands?). I digress.
Until tomorrow.

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