Wednesday, 26 November 2008

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- Kilroy's Out

How my heard bled when Carly Zucker lamented that her house was too big to clean. Just get a cleaner. Quite simple really. And yes, there's no point beating yourself up for buying a handbag, it's all you're good for.
I've decided I really like Esther Rantzen (not words I envisaged myself writing). She has a nice gentle manner about her and I think she's quite brave. Her and George are the best.
I was surprised that old plastic face dude (david?) had such good general knowledge. Him and Timmy Mallet are creepy uncles from hell. Their relationship is build on two sad, seedy men bonded together by hate. Nice.
I can't believe Mickey is farting in front of people he's known for a week (AND on the telly). I've never farted in front of flatmates I've lived with for years. I would not be happy stuck in there with him; bad manners. He'd be a right slob of a boyfriend, I guarantee it.
Brian Paddick's hero-worshipping of the least interesting one from Blue (and that's pretty tough) is borderline worrying. His comment about black people was a little... patronising?
Where was Kilroy lately? He's got a really bad edit and then was first out. I find it hard to believe more people called to save Nicola Mcclean or Carly Zucker. Fair enough if it was a vote to evict. Boo. He would have provided more entertainment for sure.
In other news, The Killers album has, as predicted, grown on me. It is still pretty ridiculous, but it's a bit of fun to listen to as you go about your daily activities.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe: Advertising

Dear God, how I'd love to watch TV round Charlie Brooker's house, spitting bile at anyone and everyone. We could be best friends, I know it! Take my calls, Charlie! Please!
Ahem. I liked last weeks show about Britainia High, and this weeks show about advertising. I liked seeing the ads for cigs and the 60s ads. I liked him refering to someone as a 'twatamaboob' and dissing Carol Vorderman for hawking loans to the Jeremy Kyle generation.
Easily the best thing on TV by a mile, and also my favourite columnist (although I'm crazy for American sex advice columnist Dan Savage right now too- his advice is amazing, surely he can't be in the paper over there, it's too filthy!)
But I digress. I even had a DREAM about Charlie Brooker the other night and he was giving me the brush off. Sob. I LOVE the fact he has Aisleyne in his show too, it's such a piss-take. I'm sure it pisses people off and that's why it's good. Know yourself!
People say CB is angry, and he is, but he's also just... right. About everything. And just funny, and a great writer. But he still looks like Max Branning.
PS. I know you're meant to but I fucking hate the poetry bit.

Monday, 24 November 2008

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Megamix

I'm still watching, but it's like a dirty addiction you don't want, and don't like, a meth habit for the mind. The main interesting thing is Timmy Mallet, who is absolutely baffling as a person. Even after winning the trial yesterday, he still managed to piss everyone off. He is fake, fake, fake and he would drive me nuts in there, because he's not letting us see him, with all his silly 80s nonsense; 'oo-er missus' and itsy-bitsy-ohgodIcan'twritethewholethingout. He's like a faded movie star clinging to his most famous role, except his most famous role was being usurped by a pink squidgy mallet. Timmy, you are destroying the 80s dream by being so unpleasant. Boo.
Now David is also peculiar person. His manipulating of Timmy to take him to the bridge (!) with his 'all friends together' shtick was effect yet very creepy. He is a desperate, immature man.
Nicola McClean is an awful person. Shallow, proud to be stupid, monotone voice. It's like Jordan all over again, but Jordan with less charisma (tricky, I know). Also, her boobs are absolutely grotesque and not anything any woman should aspire too. Boobs in place of a personality. Tragic. It really bugs me how people with implants are always like 'feel my boobs' too. Er... no thanks, I've got my own. Her performance tonight consisted of; 'It's not rocket science/ if you've got a problem, just say it' and head bobbing like Saskia of Big Brother past on steroids.
Mickey almost won me over when he said 'I'm not shouting, I'm just talking loudly.' but not quite.
Dani going to bed because someone else cooked was absolutely pathetic. Why do people get so territorial about that shit? Take turns, idiots! I can't stand endless conversations about foods on reality shows. It really is dull as fuck.
PS: talking of food, what the fuck are those king prawn SPOONS on the Iceland advert? I think the word 'yuck' needs to be reinvented for this occasion. Even Katona would turn her nose up.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Special Needs Pets

Well I've seen it all now. A rabbit in a wheelchair.
I'm a bit late with this show, but it was recommended by a friend. My cat died the week before last and I wrote a poem about it (I know, but it wasn't as bad as it sounds) which had the line in 'I've never seen a cat in a wheelchair'. And my friend at writing group said, 'I have, they are on channel 4 tonight.'
Well, where else WOULD they be? And in the brilliantly titled 'Special Needs Pets'.
This boneheaded woman with the rabbit in a wheelchair (and a nappy) said 'we don't put disabled people down, so why do we put disabled pets down?' Because it's cruel, you dopey cow! Rabbits shouldn't wear nappies, or be on wheels. It's not fun for people who have to, but at least they have a choice (to an extent). So why inflict it on your rabbit (or yourself, come to think of it).
Also on the show, a parrot on Prozac. Is there anything sadder than a bird who plucks its feathers out (and is there anything creepier looking)? The parrot was grieving for it's owner. Parrots should be in the jungle, but anyway. Later there was an aptly named cockatoo called Trouble who has psychotic tendencies towards it's owner. Again, parrots don't belong in cages. Morally, I couldn't agree with keeping one myself and am not surprised they are all quite mad. We don't keep moneys as pets, do we.
There was another woman with a whole plethora of variously disabled cats. One was a 'bit slow'. Aw. More shockingly was a constipated cat who couldn't go to the loo without his owners help! For god's sake. Oh fuck, he had a nappy too. Give me strength. These people are nuts. You expect to change a nappy if you have a baby. I'm not changing a bloody hamster's.
Don't get me wrong, I love animals. I totally understand how much people love their animals.
My cat had toxoplasmosis. She couldn't stand up. So we gave her a cuddle whilst she was put down. In the majority of cases, these people should do the same.

Saturday, 22 November 2008

X Factor: Car Crash special!

Here's a live blog, live from lightupvirginmary's living room (and bedroom too, I only have the one room!). It's Take That week, and I am watching something peculiar, some mass hallucination, some live trickery that even Dermot can't smooth over. Rachel comes out and sings flat EVERY WEEK. She sung so badly tonight I had to turn the telly down. Yet every week, they tell her she's amazing. Why? Why are they protecting her?
Meanwhile, Dannii is having a meltdown; crying on live TV. So the rumours are true, she is under serious pressure; no one seems to like her, Cheryl, Simon or Louis. I don't like her either, but fuck me, stop torturing her. Louis in particular is a poisonous little cunt. Imagine how pushed into a corner you must be to crack live on telly. Cheryl could have given her a cuddle or something. Dermot just pretended it wasn't happening, like every man in the face of an emotional female outburst. BOO! It would have been braver and nicer to have acknowledged it.
Almost EVERYONE was out of tune tonight. Diana was AWFUL and she's my favourite. She was like a drunk, witchy Kate Bush caught in a mangle. Yet the judges let that slide too. Do they have earplugs in? JLS. Out of tune. Ruth; shit.
My favourite at the mo is Eeyore Quigg, even though Charlie Brooker said he had a face like foetus. Even so, that children's choir/ pyrotechnics combo was beyond the pale. Total vomfest.
So on X Factor they forced Louis to say sorry to Dannii, haha. He did it in typically insincere style; prick.
Same Difference were miming!!! Wtf?! Did they forget how to sing in a year? Oh...
And Rhydian. Still fighting the ginger and any hint of charisma. (Soz, Mr B, but even you must be over it by now).
Rachel RIGHTLY went and didn't even put up a fight. I think it was pretty apparent the public didn't have blocked up ears. However, she actually did well in the sing off! But ultimately she was just too hit and miss.
The X Factor was just a big, fat mess tonight. Live TV. Pretty funny. Pretty awful.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Album Review: The Killers- Day & Age

What is it with the 80s?! I'm sick of the 80s. The 80s were shit then, and they are still shit, and they are not far enough away to be glamourised so mercilessly. One single solitary good band came out of the 80s, and if you can't work out who that was, then you're demented. All the 80s means to me is shit clothes and wankers. Surely it must be time for a 90s revival? Grunge, Britpop, beef and onion crisps, THAT'S what I'm talking about.
It doesn't seem like that long ago that Sam's Town came out, so either we are quite spoilt, or standards are slipping. Maybe it's a bit of both? Let me say before I rip into this album, as I surely will, I think Hot Fuss AND Sams Town (and actually, Sawdust) are some of the finest albums of all time. I think The Killers are brilliant, amazing live, catchy, wonderful, mum-friendly. There are hardly ANY songs of theirs I don't like. OK. Here goes.
Firstly, I hate the title. Secondly, I'm not sure about 'Human'. The lyrics are silly, which is fine, but it's more that I thought it was a bit of a weak first single. But I heard a dance remix of it which leant itself nicely to the synths anyway.
Anyhow, the album opens with Losing Touch and some horrible 80's Cars-esque nonsense, but that song picks up halfway through (when it appears to turn into another song, handily). They did that one on Jules Holland, I seem to recall. Spaceman actually sounds nicer on the record, I like his breathy struggling-to-keep-up singing and the key change (not sure about the o-o-oh's, it's a bit Bon Jovi, innit).
Joy Ride has an offensive start and an annoying guitar (I'm not a teenage boy, so I can't tell you why, but it's some irritating effect on it) and then, horror of horrors, a saxophone. Fuck you Keane. Fuck you, the girl who lives two doors down. Saxophones are NEVER, I repeat, NEVER acceptable. Never. Ever. Bad Brandon.
A Dustland Fairytale, as you can tell from the title, is more evocative of Sam's Town. I very much liked Sam's Town, particularly the completely over the top ones, like Why Do I Keep Counting and The River is Wild. This is very similar, but I like less the lyric 'castles in the sky' but the song is so dramatic and overblown in a pleasing way, so I'll forgive them.
This is Your Life has a marching drumbeat but made very little impression. I Can't Stay has maracas and another fucking saxophone (or something of that offensive brass ilk) and a bit that sounds like the music on Mario Kart when you drive round the beach (i.e. fucking annoying).
Neon Tigers is another I've heard live that doesn't do much for me. I really feel like some of these songs (sans the 80s posturing) might be growers though, so don't hold me to these thoughts, they are merely passing fancies.
The World We Live In is an awful, clunky title and reminded me of a song off a computer game as well. I think its the 80s, they make me think of Spectrums. Does that make for good music?
Goodnight, Travel Well, the final track, is what's commonly known as dirgy, and a bit of a morose ending to the album. And I'm a fan of melancholy, just not... er, tunelessness.
But then there's two bonus tracks for good measure, which I think is only fair, ten tracks is a bit stingy, non? A Crippling Blow is a jaunty, horsey-hoof film soundtrack sounding song. I liked the squidgy, crunchy bit in the middle of it, it reminded me of Cartoon Blues by Bright Eyes. And finally Forget About What I Said which sounded very much like old-skool Killers to me, and was pretty good actually, in the vein of All The Pretty Faces or Smile Like You Mean It. In fact, this was my favourite song off the whole album on first listen, and it's not even on the proper album! Typical me.
Ultimately I think the album is a bit of a mess, trying to be a bit of this and a bit of that, whereas Hot Fuss and Sam's Town had a clear theme. This is like Hot Town 80s, and suffers as a result. I forgive them though, they can't be consistently good always, or they'd just be robots. I still think this will be on heavy rotation at mine. I don't hate it, I just think it's a bit of a muddle. But there are no songs I'd utterly disown, they all have redeeming features (apart from... you guessed it... the saxophones).
PS. Brandon. Thanks for shaving off the tash, now please get those veneers sawn off, they are fucking RIDICULOUS. Ta.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here: Moron Watch

OK, the final go before I join the cult, or give up.
That page three girl is interminable; I can think of few things less sexy than women who won't let their partners see them without make up on; do you think she pauses mid romp (!) to put bronzer on or comb her hair (I bet she does!) Good looking people moaning about how ugly they are is only marginally less annoying than skinny people moaning they are fat. Yes, you are generically good looking, and thin. Now go read a book, dumbass.
Am I the only one to find Joe Swash's cheeky chappy schtick very, very annoying? He's like some 15-year-old you went to school with. Awful. Star Trek dude is growing on me. His accent is good.
I genuinely felt like NOTHING happened tonight. It all seemed completely pointless.
Urgh, I still can't decide whether to watch it or not. It's like choosing to have a cold, or a minor disfigurement. I could really be doing something more productive.
Now here's the really important question, how come my BT Vision box happily let me watched that dross, then BBC4 stopped working the second I went to watch Charlie Brooker? Seriously, fuck you, BT, and your cloying, sexist adverts. Even better; I just rescanned my channels and BBC4 has now disappeared. Lovely.
It better be up on the Iplayer the SECOND it finishes. Not happy!

Monday, 17 November 2008

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here: The Glastonbury edition

Glastonbury season without the music, your friends, food or any drugs (but with Kilroy). Thats what the rain reminded me of on tonights show. I would crack after TEN SECONDS!!! I am such a baby. And they are getting paid fuck-all as well! Mugs.
Most, but by no means all, moronic comments of the night: 'Will my boobs shrink if I lose weight?' and 'I suppose you can live on water'.
How interesting that Kilroy likes the women who's a dumb bitch but not the one who answers back.
Bushtucker trials... it's just licensed torture of desperadoes. Imagine anyone you respect doing one. It's impossible, isn't it. Whatever happened to dignity???
Kilvoy vs Brian: it was proper ape mentality. Kilroy is a piece of work! How long before the 'shirtlifters' comment? Come on, it's only a matter of time. You know it. I know it. The producers know it. Why else do you think he's there?
So is anyone coming off likeable? Martina. Dr Spock's mate. And er... I'm reserving judgement for the moment.
I'm giving it one more day before I decide if I give up on it!
PS. Mickey. Ginger and balding. He drew a seriously short straw somewhere, didn't he?
(disclaimer: I like gingers, just not him)

Sunday, 16 November 2008

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here

You may have observed my blog has been a wee bit dead lately; it's cos I've been watching torrents of The Pick Up Artist and America's Next Top Model because nothing good has been on TV. And there's still nothing good on... so I'm watching this. As ever, it'll be 50/50 whether I get past the first episode.
So, the line-up. What comes after Z in the alphabet? When the star attraction is Robert Kilroy Silk (and he is for me, I couldn't give two fucks about Martina Navratilova, it's not like she's going to have it off in the jungle, and her sexuality is all people care about) you're in serious trouble. Will Kilroy do a Jim Davidson? I hope so. Who else? Mickey from Eastenders and his scouring pad hair. Someone I've never heard of's fiancee. The dull one out of Blue (quite a feat). A gay copper (since when were the filth celebrities?). A page 3 girl I've never heard of. Dani Behr, who I'd forgotten even existed, and I was quite happy with that (although she don't half look bad for her age). And finally, the third most famous person from Star Trek.
I can't tell you what happened for the middle 20 minutes, because my freeview box started doing an impression of a Spectrum having a spazz attack. It was very squarey, that I can tell you.
And we're back. Kilroy... 'there's gonna be problems with the women, they are quite opinionated.' and 'We're getting the wood, that's what guys do.' Uh-oh!
Joe Swash on gay people: 'it's not like you can't do things as good as a straight person.' Nice!
I can't be doing with all the bushtucker trials unless they are classics like Paul Burrell or Dean Gaffney. I want to see genuine fear. All in all, a pretty rubbish opening episode. But really, what did I expect?

Monday, 10 November 2008

X Factor- Dodgy Dealings

What is going on on the X Factor? Last week the Toby Anstis love-child Austin was cruelly struck down, and this week, little Laura was culled, after ridiculously prolonged discussion about her styling (er, it's not Project Runway). Something is amiss here; and I'm going to call out Louis Walsh as the instigator of doom. He always gets the last vote and he always, always fluffs it. The man is an idiot! He is not funny, and his snippy, squinty little jibes at Simon for the whole show were just pathetic. Louis; you are employed as Simon Cowell's kicking boy, don't you get that? You're not Cowell, you're not even Piers Morgan. You are beginning to look as shambolic as Pete Waterman. Give it up. I actually felt sorry for him when they ditched him last year, now I wish they'd thrown him in the canal and had done with it.
The vote should have been thrown out to the public. And why is Simon Cowell now squawking about losing Laura when he voted for Ruth? I think he believed Louis would pick Laura. And Louis fugged it. Badly. From the look on Cheryl's face, if I was JLS I'd be VERY afraid next time it's down to the wire. I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of her judging from her past criminal record.
But it shouldn't be about that, should it? Revenge and grudges. It should be about the singing. And Laura did not deserve to go. Ruth is nice enough but she's never going to win it. Other people who should have gone before Laura: Daniel, Rachel, Eeyore, in fact, everyone except the other two girls (I'm not being sexist, the girls category is exceptionally good this year). Daniel must feel embarrassed getting the sympathy vote every week and must be bursting to get rid of that dye-job (even mine is looking better, and mine is pretty dodgy). Rachel is so horrible she even makes me feel sorry for Dannii Minogue.
I'm just really glad they didn't let Diana sing with a sore throat or she'd have probably been bottom two as well.
As for Mariah Carey; what a cunt. She really does make looking smug into an art-form.

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Peaches: Disappear Here (MTV)

My best mate once said 'hasn't Peaches Geldof got a peculiar face?' and never has it been more evident than in this show. She also seems to have a bit of a lisp, or a blocked up nose, or is it just that generic thick-tongued posh accent? I can't tell the difference. Either way, she should get it looked at (or lay off the coke). Also, she appeared to have a double-chin and a fright wig on.
So this show saw Peaches starting up her own magazine of extremely pretentious-looking people. However, you had to pity them; the thought of that retard bossing me around is just beyond the pale. I'd rather go suck cock on a street corner.
Listening to her bang on about what alternative culture was just painful, like seeing a 10 year old in a Sex Pistols t-shirt. She's about as alternative as Girls Aloud. How alternative is nepotism anyway? Ooh she hates the Kooks. Even that fucking lead singer's own mother would hate that shit. Big wows. The funny part is I watched this on the MTV video player thing which was advertising the bloody Kooks album in the corner! Cutting edge.
The whole thing stank of fake anyway; all the writers looked like models who'd just stepped out of a salon, Peaches's 'PA' seemed like she was on her first job out of acting school. The set (sorry, magazine office) looked like the IT Crowd.
Listening to Peaches say 'As a writer...' was offensive to the ear. Also, I've also only ever heard a complete idiot describe another person as a 'try-hard'. How old are you, you desperate moron?
This pig in a dress shouldn't be allowed out after 10pm, let alone be allowed to marry. Truly terrifying.