I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here (please)

I hate myself for even writing this. I hate this programme, it's like the anti-big brother, like it felched off BB but just took all the worst bits and then added animal cruelty for good measure. But it's still watchable, especially in a barren schedule.
The contestants this year are absolutely pathetic; pawns to Queen Katie of Price. The only one with any spunk so far is Kim 'how clean is your house' Woodbine. I thought Colin and Justin might be OK but I get the feeling they are going to be crawling round Katie just like everyone else, despite the acerbic diary room entries.
I can't stand the tasks (nothing can top Burrell and Gaffney, so why bother?), I'm only interested in the relationships; but there aren't any now, they are all just Jordan's bitches, talking about her, placating her, commenting on her deformed body. And wtf is up with her FACE? It looks simultaneously swollen and frozen, with comedy black eyebrows painted on her immovable forehead like a demonic child created her in an art class. Those teeth are an absolute joke too, they looks like comedy teeth, one size too big and Simon Cowell-white. I can't STAND veneers, they are vile! Embrace the wonky gnashers. Especially as she had perfectly normal teeth before anyway. The sound of her voice drains the life out of me; it makes monotone sound like falsetto.
She came in to 'set the record straight' about Peter Andre? Could another single syllable be uttered about this defunct relationship? She's totally fucking herself, because people started to respect her when she went in the jungle last time, I remember thinking she was quite a hard-arse during those tasks. Now I just think she's a hard-faced cunt. She had a toughness but a beauty about her before; now she's just a bleating kiss-and-tell on wheels, a crass tanorexic in a bad wig. GET OFF MY SCREEN!
There was something tragic about her reminiscing about the man she basically destroyed. She carps on about how she's over it; but I think she's still smarting. The whole jungle thing is just 'look at me'; but there's nothing underneath. And the next person to say she's a 'good businesswoman' should immediately be thrown from a bridge by Ant and Dec. Then throw Ant and Dec.
The boob talk is puerile and predictable. Zzzz. The conversation about farting was just pathetic; apparently women aren't allowed to according to the sexist chef twat. Why is this show always ten times more sexist than Big Brother? Must just be celebrities being out of touch. The editing on Celebrity is always shit too; they have barely shown at least half the people in the camp. I don't knwo who they are, and I'm not even getting a chance to find out! Genius.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- Kilroy's Out

How my heard bled when Carly Zucker lamented that her house was too big to clean. Just get a cleaner. Quite simple really. And yes, there's no point beating yourself up for buying a handbag, it's all you're good for.
I've decided I really like Esther Rantzen (not words I envisaged myself writing). She has a nice gentle manner about her and I think she's quite brave. Her and George are the best.
I was surprised that old plastic face dude (david?) had such good general knowledge. Him and Timmy Mallet are creepy uncles from hell. Their relationship is build on two sad, seedy men bonded together by hate. Nice.
I can't believe Mickey is farting in front of people he's known for a week (AND on the telly). I've never farted in front of flatmates I've lived with for years. I would not be happy stuck in there with him; bad manners. He'd be a right slob of a boyfriend, I guarantee it.
Brian Paddick's hero-worshipping of the least interesting one from Blue (and that's pretty tough) is borderline worrying. His comment about black people was a little... patronising?
Where was Kilroy lately? He's got a really bad edit and then was first out. I find it hard to believe more people called to save Nicola Mcclean or Carly Zucker. Fair enough if it was a vote to evict. Boo. He would have provided more entertainment for sure.
In other news, The Killers album has, as predicted, grown on me. It is still pretty ridiculous, but it's a bit of fun to listen to as you go about your daily activities.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Megamix

I'm still watching, but it's like a dirty addiction you don't want, and don't like, a meth habit for the mind. The main interesting thing is Timmy Mallet, who is absolutely baffling as a person. Even after winning the trial yesterday, he still managed to piss everyone off. He is fake, fake, fake and he would drive me nuts in there, because he's not letting us see him, with all his silly 80s nonsense; 'oo-er missus' and itsy-bitsy-ohgodIcan'twritethewholethingout. He's like a faded movie star clinging to his most famous role, except his most famous role was being usurped by a pink squidgy mallet. Timmy, you are destroying the 80s dream by being so unpleasant. Boo.
Now David is also peculiar person. His manipulating of Timmy to take him to the bridge (!) with his 'all friends together' shtick was effect yet very creepy. He is a desperate, immature man.
Nicola McClean is an awful person. Shallow, proud to be stupid, monotone voice. It's like Jordan all over again, but Jordan with less charisma (tricky, I know). Also, her boobs are absolutely grotesque and not anything any woman should aspire too. Boobs in place of a personality. Tragic. It really bugs me how people with implants are always like 'feel my boobs' too. Er... no thanks, I've got my own. Her performance tonight consisted of; 'It's not rocket science/ if you've got a problem, just say it' and head bobbing like Saskia of Big Brother past on steroids.
Mickey almost won me over when he said 'I'm not shouting, I'm just talking loudly.' but not quite.
Dani going to bed because someone else cooked was absolutely pathetic. Why do people get so territorial about that shit? Take turns, idiots! I can't stand endless conversations about foods on reality shows. It really is dull as fuck.
PS: talking of food, what the fuck are those king prawn SPOONS on the Iceland advert? I think the word 'yuck' needs to be reinvented for this occasion. Even Katona would turn her nose up.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here: Moron Watch

OK, the final go before I join the cult, or give up.
That page three girl is interminable; I can think of few things less sexy than women who won't let their partners see them without make up on; do you think she pauses mid romp (!) to put bronzer on or comb her hair (I bet she does!) Good looking people moaning about how ugly they are is only marginally less annoying than skinny people moaning they are fat. Yes, you are generically good looking, and thin. Now go read a book, dumbass.
Am I the only one to find Joe Swash's cheeky chappy schtick very, very annoying? He's like some 15-year-old you went to school with. Awful. Star Trek dude is growing on me. His accent is good.
I genuinely felt like NOTHING happened tonight. It all seemed completely pointless.
Urgh, I still can't decide whether to watch it or not. It's like choosing to have a cold, or a minor disfigurement. I could really be doing something more productive.
Now here's the really important question, how come my BT Vision box happily let me watched that dross, then BBC4 stopped working the second I went to watch Charlie Brooker? Seriously, fuck you, BT, and your cloying, sexist adverts. Even better; I just rescanned my channels and BBC4 has now disappeared. Lovely.
It better be up on the Iplayer the SECOND it finishes. Not happy!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here: The Glastonbury edition

Glastonbury season without the music, your friends, food or any drugs (but with Kilroy). Thats what the rain reminded me of on tonights show. I would crack after TEN SECONDS!!! I am such a baby. And they are getting paid fuck-all as well! Mugs.
Most, but by no means all, moronic comments of the night: 'Will my boobs shrink if I lose weight?' and 'I suppose you can live on water'.
How interesting that Kilroy likes the women who's a dumb bitch but not the one who answers back.
Bushtucker trials... it's just licensed torture of desperadoes. Imagine anyone you respect doing one. It's impossible, isn't it. Whatever happened to dignity???
Kilvoy vs Brian: it was proper ape mentality. Kilroy is a piece of work! How long before the 'shirtlifters' comment? Come on, it's only a matter of time. You know it. I know it. The producers know it. Why else do you think he's there?
So is anyone coming off likeable? Martina. Dr Spock's mate. And er... I'm reserving judgement for the moment.
I'm giving it one more day before I decide if I give up on it!
PS. Mickey. Ginger and balding. He drew a seriously short straw somewhere, didn't he?
(disclaimer: I like gingers, just not him)

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here

You may have observed my blog has been a wee bit dead lately; it's cos I've been watching torrents of The Pick Up Artist and America's Next Top Model because nothing good has been on TV. And there's still nothing good on... so I'm watching this. As ever, it'll be 50/50 whether I get past the first episode.
So, the line-up. What comes after Z in the alphabet? When the star attraction is Robert Kilroy Silk (and he is for me, I couldn't give two fucks about Martina Navratilova, it's not like she's going to have it off in the jungle, and her sexuality is all people care about) you're in serious trouble. Will Kilroy do a Jim Davidson? I hope so. Who else? Mickey from Eastenders and his scouring pad hair. Someone I've never heard of's fiancee. The dull one out of Blue (quite a feat). A gay copper (since when were the filth celebrities?). A page 3 girl I've never heard of. Dani Behr, who I'd forgotten even existed, and I was quite happy with that (although she don't half look bad for her age). And finally, the third most famous person from Star Trek.
I can't tell you what happened for the middle 20 minutes, because my freeview box started doing an impression of a Spectrum having a spazz attack. It was very squarey, that I can tell you.
And we're back. Kilroy... 'there's gonna be problems with the women, they are quite opinionated.' and 'We're getting the wood, that's what guys do.' Uh-oh!
Joe Swash on gay people: 'it's not like you can't do things as good as a straight person.' Nice!
I can't be doing with all the bushtucker trials unless they are classics like Paul Burrell or Dean Gaffney. I want to see genuine fear. All in all, a pretty rubbish opening episode. But really, what did I expect?

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Coming Out

You may have noticed I stopped writing about I'm a Celebrity, because I got proper bored with it. Janice should have won, although Biggins was a legend eating the testicles. But Janice's fake crying as a vote winner for me.
I thought this show would be awful but it was actually quite interesting watching what all the parters got up to whilst the anti-celebs frolicked in the jungle. The whole Marc Bannermann thing looked like more of a farce than ever: his girlfriend looked non-plussed and it all looked SO staged. When he was watching it on telly going 'oh god...' You were THERE! You DID IT. Div.
John Burton Race's partner was a bitch. Katie Hopkins' partner looked too good for her (although not much) and called her 'gorgeous'. Lynne's partner seemed like a drip. Lynne was more of a cunt than ever out of the jungle, courting the paparazzi and slagging Rodney in front of his daughter. Then kissing his arse when he came out! What an embarrassment.
Did I need to see John in the bath? No.
Anna Ryder-Richardson, wake up! You ARE DULL AND BORING! Do you need Katie Hopkins to tell you this? Hollyoaks Mute came out and went 'want chocolate!' Dur-brain. Sink back into obscurity, chav. You have less personality than Anna Ryder Richardson.
I couldn't bear to watch that bit again where Cerys looked over her shoulder for Marc. That was a proper cringefest. It sucked he didn't show. What a prick. Total humilation on TV. I can't believe she sold her story either. I could have wept reading it, it was so embarrassing. Let Chantelle and Preston be your warning! And not just in matters of the heart.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - All Filler

Well now most of the 'big personalities' (i.e. shit stirrers) have gone they are desperately padding out the show. Let's show them talking about life in camp! Lets show them sweeping up! Zzzzzz.
How many more times do we need to hear about Mark and Cerys' romance? Bloody hell. Ship him back in or shut up about it. YAWN. In light of him just being revealed as a (possible?) wife beater the wedding talk was a bit galling.
I quite enjoyed the ghost train task with J and Gemma competing for the most monotone accent... I mean, for the stars. I liked her getting a bunch of sludge in her lap. Bless her moaning about the evil British press. Well if you will have blow up boobs and no personality, what else are they gonna write about, m'dear?
I felt sorry for Janice tonight! Anna Ryder-blah-blah-blah has got a cheek calling Janice an OAP, she's about her age. I was pleased she went because they were all getting way too smug and comfy. She had done nothing to deserve being there on the last day, so good riddance. Janice needs someone to bounce off! Janice to win.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - It Must Be Love

Why was everyone picking on Janice today? Anyone would have thought Lynne was a defenceless puppy by the way they were going on about her. She was a prize cunt, the very worst kind of person, one who doesn't practise what they preach. I wasn't slightly sorry to see the back of the sanctimonious old boot. Fair enough Janice and Rodney were pretty childish not saying goodbye but I understood why they did it.
Mark's (Marc? I'm sure it was Mark!) letter to Cerys was quite sweet but they over egged it somewhat, unless they are going to bring him back in, what do I care? I take it he's dumped the girlfriend. If I was Cerys I'd be very wary of him. I like Cerys, she seems very calm and thoughtful. I hope she doesn't get stung by the whole sorry mess. But it's true: you can't help who you fall for sometimes. That's why there are so many broken-hearted, divorced people in the world. Oh yeah, and well done to Cerys for standing up to Rodney. He almost seemed to listen!
I was surprised to see John go, I quite liked him in a way, even though he was a full-on bear with a sore head. When will the Hollyoaks Mute be defeated? She is a robot! Her heart is made of ice! I like Biggins, even though he is quite smutty. I like J. Ryder-Richardson's alright. The camp is going to be a dullard-fest before we know it. Ant and Dec are pretty funny though.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - 'I'm Not Used to This!'

Lynne displayed arch manipulation skills tonight. She actually made me scream she was so infuriating. She would argue black was white, but only after giving you a fat guilt trip first. John was cruel to her, but she milked it, big time. Why does she always start on Janice too? Janice didn't really do anything! Janice means well. Lynne is inherently cuntish. I knew when John apologised there'd be another row. His apology was crap but Lynne was very ungracious, then went running telling tales to camp.
The task wasn't THAT bad I don't think. The bickering between Janice and Lynn was hilarious. 'I wish I had my camera- that's a great Christmas card'. Fucking genius. I liked her pretending to snog Dec too. Lynn seemed to be enjoying sucking on some shrimp. I wonder if the shrimp enjoyed it? At least it shut her up. Janice was the most unsupportive team mate ever, But I loved it! I loved them describing what they hated about each other afterwards; it sounded like they were describing themselves.
Observation: Katie Hopkins talks like a little girl. She needs to unleash her inner bitch. I enjoyed the fly gangbang. God I'd go mad there! Proper horrible!
It really bugged me when Rodney was like 'Cerys should leave' cos of the Beppe brother love. It aint her fault! It's HIS FAULT. He is the one with a girlfriend. Cerys hasn't really done anything. Mark's girlfriend's impassioned speech didn't really move me. She didn't seem to care enough, somehow.
It was a major cock-up that Mark went. That was a major storyline and now the romance probably won't get started. Aw! Killjoys. Now all we've got to put up with is arguing. Grr! How can anyone have voted to save Hollyoaks Mute over him?
Still, it will give Rodney some food for thought. Feminazis unite!
Mark's interview was a lesson in hole digging! DIG DIG DIG. It felt very real though. He wasn't a politician, he was quite honest. I felt sorry for him! Scurry back to London, Beppe's bro. Your clothes are on the lawn. Nice!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Feminazi

Woo! I want to be formally known as a feminazi from now on. So tonight. Janice and J did well on their trial, therefore it was boring. John woke everyone up at 4.15 by lighting a fire and bashing about (I'd have chucked him in the fire). He was spoiling for a fight and found one in Lynne. You could tell she wanted to lose her rag but was trying hard to rise above it. I loved the fact she was seething! Keep needling her. You can break her yet.
She's right though, John and Rodney have no respect for women, so I wasn't too upset to see Rodney sprain his knee. Still, he got to spend the night in hospital, so it wasnt all bad. It's a sad state of affairs when going to hospital is your best option though. The others should start injuring themselves for fun! Hospital food! Yummy.
Beppe's brother seemed to be paying homage to Beppe with his raggedy goatee. The bite mark set it off nicely. Cerys didn't seem to agree with Anna that she and Mark were just 'good good good friends'. She seemed to be thinking something else entirely.
The British public stupidly chose Janice for the trial again- she won't eat that crap! It will be interesting to see how Lynne does after the 'I would have done the eating one' comment. Serve her up a big portion!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Oh, Man!

Another good show tonight. Lynne was very brave during the trial, then ruined it all horribly by being so sanctimonious about it. Well done to John for calling her out. She also let herself down in the egg timer task by falling for Rodney's 'it takes a big person to step down' speech. No it doesn't! Fight to the death. What sort of feminist are you? 'I know it means more to you to win...' Why, because he's a sexist? Sigh!
Beppe's brother and Cerys romance is quite shocking really, considering he's got a girlfriend. I wouldn't trust someone who falls in love that fast in a gazillion years. I don't know what she sees in him, he's so slimy. She does look genuinely worried about her obvious feelings for him. It must be horrendous worrying about the public perception of events. But she's not to blame, he is! She's single. His girlfriend might be huffing and puffing about Cerys, but open your eyes, love. Your man is a RAT.
They will definitely have a snog soon. We might not get to see it though. I have a feeling it will be done under cover. John stirred it up a bit too by saying it looked like it was 'meant to be'. It's just lust! It's just Stockholm Syndrome! It'll probably be Janice and Biggins next.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Trouble Ahead

Not much to say about tonight except, what with men being so superior to women (especially physically, of course) I was surprised to see Rodney being completely humiliated in that challenge. By Janice. Ha! Brilliant.
Beppe's brother embarrassed himself by saying Cerys had a beautiful voice (she doesn't) and then 'we need to talk' to J, as if it was some state secret that he had the hots for the horse-faced Welsh woman. I hope his girlfriend is plotting a bad-arse revenge.
I quite enjoyed the van task, I like things where people are forced to make conversation and stick things out. Hollyoaks Mute claimed she was cold in relationships. Not exactly a surprise. She hasn't got the most winning TV personality, has she? I don't think anyone can be bothered to fancy her. Kate Hopkins has been disappointingly un-bitchy. Now I actually don't mind her. I'm liking Biggins too.
So happy Lynne has to do the next task. Hope she gets stuck down the tunnel. Permanently.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- 'He's an old prick'

I love the mix of people in Celeb this year, in that for the post part, they are such a bunch of cunts it's hard to choose who you hate the most. Lynn and Rodney are in joint first place for me. Lynn's passive-agressive martyrdom or Rodney's boorish sexism? It's a toughie.
John started off the day by shouting at people to be nice to each other. Fab. Then he did a bizarre rap and Rodney said 'you've lost votes, thats what black people do.' (a very dubious comment!) Lynn said you're not allowed to say 'black', you have to say Afro-Carribean. Stupid bitch. Even so, I give it two days before Rodney gets kicked out, Jim Davidson stylee. He's a thick bully.
Loved the ostrich task- Lynn was super annoying (just shut up!), Janice gave her what for. Very funny.
The rest of the show was pretty dull: can you imagine how boring it will be at the end when it's Beppe's brother, Cerys, J and Hollyoaks Mute?
Ps. Kangaroos are not rodents. They are marsupials.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Men and Women

It's taken me a while to write this as I was suffering from the after effects of too much vodka at the Morrissey night. But how could I let Rodney Marsh's comments pass without comment?
His ludicrous argument that men and women aren't equal because 'women haven't invented anything' is dim in the extreme. But actually, you're right, Rodney, men and women AREN'T equal. Women don't start wars. Women rarely rape and murder. Women rarely sexually abuse children. So you can keep your toaster, or your lightbulb or whatever you invented: I'd rather be of the sex who lives in peace. I'd rather be non-threatening.
Men and women AREN'T equal: men can't give birth, so without women, the human race would be history. So in fact women are superior. But men and women SHOULD be treated equally. That is what feminism is, fighting for those rights. Rodney clearly has no respect for women, and the women in the camp let themselves down by not taking him to task for his out-dated views. The viewing public also missed the opportunity to stick it to him by voting for him to do the trial.
'I wouldn't fly on a plane with two women pilots': for God's sake! I cant believe people still say things like that. 'Women have no sense of humour'- Janice Dickinson has made me laugh repeatedly on the show. Rodney: not once.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Bring Back Gaffney!

Beppe's brother: dirty dog! If I was his girlfriend I'd cut his dick off. That putting his arm round her thing had echoes of Chantelle and Preston and we know how THAT ended up. Run Cerys! He's s sleaze. She didn't look happy when he was comforting Katie. If they are flirting this much on day three, I wouldn't trust him let lose in a nightclub. No wonder someone bit his face.
Katie did very well in the task, she's one hard arse. I found it very frightening, the music alone freaked me! Proper horror movie.
Arch feminist Lynn decided to sleep in the treehouse with king chauvinist Rodney. She proved that she wanted to make the world equal by propping her fat arse against a branch and watching him build the steps to the treehouse. She further added to the feminist's cause by saying she felt 'protected and safe'. You go, girlfriend!
REAL feminist ball-breaker Janice continued to get a raw deal from the camp. I liked her delusion that we were voting her for the tasks because 'she was the most famous'.
I was glad everyone started to hate Lynn! Good! Too many cooks spoil the broth. Victor Meldrew chef is damn rude. I'd smack him one. They are a loathsome bunch! Janice to win! Stop voting for her to do the trials, you thick fuckers! She's shit at them! Biggins did alright. She was brave/annoying in the face of torture. Bet she wished she'd felt up the rats instead.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- 'You're gay'

Well Janice obviously wasn't the right choice for the eating task. Lynn could have done it easily, as she pointed out- and from appearances she clearly has a long history of shovelling a mountain of crap into her gob. Fucking smug bitch. I really want to punch her. She has really brought out quite a violent streak in me- I wish they'd let her go in the glass coffin. Then they'd dropped it. I'm quite liking Katie from The Apprentice in comparison. Even though she's got a bright red nose.
The eating thing was funny: I enjoyed Janice saying 'you're gay' as John was eating crocodile penis, and him replying 'give us a kiss.' He seemed to take a bit of a shine to Janice, didn't he? Needless to say, I wouldn't eat any of that stuff. Just the thought of it fermenting in your stomach is the stuff of nightmares.
I like Janice's banter with Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec are pretty funny on this show, unlike all that other dross they do.
That J guy seems alright, but he looks very thin and tired, he's starting to resemble a victim of famine. I quite like his deadpan accent. And finally a man who won a task and didn't go 'I got beaten by a girl!' like some sort of Neanderthal prick.
I don't like Beppe's brother, he's a knob-end. He seemed to be having an orgasm over eating a pig. I don't like football dude- he's a sexist twat. Chef guy is OK. Cerys seems quite nice. Gemma: try speaking.
PS: Why does everyone like coffee so much? Just the smell of it makes me gag. I wouldn't even hold hands with a wombat for it.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- 'I grew up in a swamp'

I hate this programme but I always watch a couple of them (and it was worth it for Dean Gaffney last year! Proper wet yourself funny) I can't believe it's been a year since this was last on. I'll be retired before I know it.
So the line up is utter shit, except for Janice Dickinson, who is absolutely amazing. She really reminds me of Courtney Love in that she's utterly mad, funny (great one liners) and doesn't give a fuck. Malcolm McClaren was rude to slam the door in her face; she wasn't even mean to him! I have no clue who the fat woman was who claimed to be his friend, but he didn't even open the door to her, so I'm guessing they aren't in each others top friends on facebook. Oh she's called Lynn. Well she has really rubbed me up the wrong way actually. Who ARE you? Don't fuck with Janice, you boot faced old harridan! Janice is ace. Lynn is a shit stirrer and she will try and put it on Janice, mark my words. In the meantime, everyone else will sit on the fence. YAWN.
Who else is in there? Bloke from 5. Some plain person who's meant to be sexy off Hollyoaks. Some old men. An interior designer. Beppe's brother (did someone bite his face?) Cerys 'Road Rage' Matthews.
So then they made them bungee jump out of a plane. How can bungee jumping out of a plane be legal? People die doing that stuff! I wouldn't do it for a million pounds. I don't want to die by having my head smashed to pieces. People are insane.
Fair play to Janice for volunteering to do the trial, but what was the problem with eels? Fish guts is way worse. It was well funny when they span them round on that wheel and Janice was shrieking.
Ant and Dec are pretty funny on this show. I like the way they've cunningly devised a way to get more cash out of the phonelines by splitting the teams up too. KERCHING!