Saturday, 29 May 2010

Live blog: Eurovision 2010

I'm going to do a very haphazard and possibly ending abruptly blog tonight. It's my 30th birthday tomorrow so tonight I must leave the house. But first I must drink. And complain about Eurovision. Last year it was so dire I could barely speak of it. I watched it in a hotel room in Yarmouth. Terry was much missed.
I remember this Norway song from last year (unfortunately).
Anyway, I'm going to keep this as brief as is humanly possible. We are going to have bets on who to win.
Azerbaijan. We just opened some champagne. Gloves. My best mate (BM) has just placed her bet on it. She's crazy. You can't throw away your vote so soon. OMG she's cheating, Graham said it was the bookies favourite! Drip drop. I still don't believe this will win. My boyfriend (BF) just compared it to Life is a Pigsty by our beloved Moz.
Spain. Something Tiny. Sung by Leo Sayer.
This voting system is flawed! You get to ring up for them straight away; no wonder the fucking first one is the bookies favourite.
Norway obviously don't want to win it two years in a row. Credit crunch. HE CAN'T SING. This is unbearable.
Moldova. Now we're talking. Ravers. Saxaphones. BF has picked it. We've got two picks each. I'm being left behind.
Cyprus. it's like the OC gone wrong. Make me immortal with a kiss.
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Derren Brown singing. Strings. Thunder & Lightning. This is my pick. God help me.
Belgium. Me and my guitar. Feelings this, feelings that. Grow up.
Serbia. He looks like an air hostess. He doesn't look how he sounds, it's all wrong.
Belarus. The song is called Butterflies. Don't get your hopes up. It's like Westlife rolled into one and dumped in a river. Wow, they just sprouted wings. Fly away, Peter. Fly away, Paul.
Ireland. What turgid pan-pipes bullshit will they foist on us this time. It's Florence's mum.
Greece. This is like Arabian nights. They lyrics are really deep.
United Kingdom. That sounds good to me. Even Moz would balk at that title. If this was a true indication of the UK music scene I'd volunteer to have my ears removed. DO NOT CALL FOR THE UK. I'll have a job without the number.
Georgia. God, the lyrics tonight have been really dire. I don't know where Georgia is, and I don't want to. Red dress, growling.
Turkey. BM has claimed this one. It's like Linkin Park gone right.
Albania. I've picked this one. It's another Euro dance hit. It's all about you. But not by McFly.
Iceland. It's the woman from Ireland singing again. I am actually getting furious now. I've had enough.
Ukraine. Like nails down a blackboard. More bullshit about feelings.
France. Bum wiggling. Ole ole ole. I'm about ready to stab someone right now. BF has picked France.
Romania. Piano, piano, piano. I kinda like this, though. They have allowed me to change my vote; I'm picking this now.
Russia. He's singing to a photo of a woman. It's very moving.
Armenia. Apricot stone... I will drop it in the ground. Oh God.
Germany. Something borrowed, something blue. She's like a drunk aunt dancing at a wedding.
Portugal. I want to go out now.
Israel. I feel like we've seen this one before. 'Tears of blood are burning in my throat'. Delightful.
Denmark. Every Breath You Take. Re-imagined.
Why do Spain get to sing twice? This is unfair.
And now for the voting. I'm putting my make-up on. Turkey are 2nd! This means my BM could win £15. Boo. Come on Germany. Ha, they won.
And the point of all that was... nothing. That's the end of my 20s. I'm going out. Thank you, goodnight. :)

Friday, 28 May 2010

American Idol: The Final

Well, what do you know? The right two went through to the final and pretty-boy Barbie Casey James was sent on his way, probably off to advertise T-shirts or something. So we can't see an injustice like last year, when slack-jawed monkey-face inexplicably beat the dazzling Adam Lambert. I genuinely like both Lee and Crystal. I suppose Crystal deserves to win, for her raw talent. But Lee has a really good voice. I like it when he goes a bit flat and gets away with it. Oh Christ, are they singing songs they've sung before? That's such a cop out. There's enough songs in the world that they could learn a new one.
Ooh second round Lee is doing Everybody Hurts. It sounds a bit... grating. And there was a Stars in Your Eyes ending (just repeat title very fast). Is Crystal going to walk this? I think Lee IS nervous. And who wouldn't be up against Crystal? But does any of it really matter anyway? Even the runners up make buckets out of the show over there. If Chico had been on Idol he'd be on his fourth album by now.
Not sure who put Crystal in that dress for Black Velvet, but they must REALLY like Lee DeWyze. She is a little frumpy, but who gives a fuck? She's walking this thing, and rightly so.
And it's Simon's last Idol. What does this mean for the show? Surely it's all over. I can't see how it could survive without him, and with the competition of the X Factor USA. Ryan must be quaking in his loafers. No wonder he's been such a tool all series.
So what song will they give them as the single? This is always the test of who they want to actually win. It's mildly offensive to make them sing a cover when they are obviously both decent songwriters themselves.
Urgh Lee sounds flat on this U2 song too (and not in the good way). This is probably only U2 song I can halfway bear. Aw he looks like he's going to cry. I'm not surprised. He's getting trounced. But this is Idol. The voters could vote the wrong way. I wouldn't put it past them.
I don't know what this song is that Crystal is singing. I feel sad for Randy. I don't want him to be cast asunder on the wasteland of Idol.
I liked Crystal humbly wishing Simon luck on his future endeavours. I liked her bad jokes that no one was laughing at. She just seems like a decent person. And it didn't even seem close tonight.
OK, 2nd show. How can they string this out for two hours? I admire their gall. Why have they dressed them up like schoolkids? Creepy!
OMG Alice Cooper. OMG monkey-face. Come back and finish the job, Adam Lambert.
Medley mania. Fast forward.
Ricky Gervais has gone the same way in my mind as Russell Brand; sold to an audience that doesn't understand him, losing all credibility. I'm sure they're both gutted they've lost my respect.
Oh Christ, Alanis Morrisette singing 'You Oughta Know' with Crystal! It's like karaoke night. Please, let me never hear this song again. Ever.
Wow, that Ford advert was really moving. Brought a tear to my eye.
I hope Simon gives Paula a job on X Factor. I didn't miss her until she'd gone.
All this Simon eulogising is a bit much. I feel like the Queen's died.
Wow, Kelly Clarkson looks 40! Will we ever find out this blasted result?
Here's the official envelope! Bring it. OH MY GOD. AGAIN! AGAIN AMERICA YOU DISAPPOINT ME. PATHETIC.
If you're a white, straight man, it doesn't matter. It's in the bag. Crystal, go and release your own music. Simon doesn't deserve your proceeds.
Lee, you should be singing Lemon by U2. Crystal woz robbed.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Junior Apprentice: I want to be the girl with the most cake

Hello, angelic fruitcakes. I'll start blogging about something other than The Apprentice soon; i.e Big Brother. I also have a shiny new netbook so no excuse for lacklustre bloggies now I've got a digital clutch.
Cupcakes. No matter how pretty you make them, they still make you fat. Can't believe Rhys is 17! He looks like an amoeba. I can't believe they are all either 16 or 17, they look like they range from pre-pubescent to middle-aged.
Give Zoe an arsenic cupcake. I think the key to success is make the designs as simple as possible. It's not easy to write on a cake. Especially if you've only just learned to write.
Those 'love' cakes look cheapy! At least the 'fashion' cakes look like they haven't been made my a visually-impaired chimpanzee. Although I don't think they're going to shift any of the 'marry me' ones. If someone proposed to me via cupcake I'd be straight on the phone to Gillian McKeith.
'Instinct cupcakes' doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? I don't think instinct tastes that good. It feels a bit sweaty to me.
Rhys's team have got to win! Their cupcakes look a zillion times nicer than the others.
Challenging! Gotta love the office speak. The key issues are 'your cupcakes are shit'.
Did Alan really just sack Adam for having a cold?! You can't do that. I'd hate to get pregnant under that sort of regime. WTF!
Alan sounded like Terry Tibbs when he went, 'What were your prices?'
Can't believe Rhys's team lost. Zoe's going to be noshing off Richard Branson before you can say 'Rimmel'.
Talking of inappropriate sexual remarks, if Rhys has ever had sex, I'm in line for a knighthood. And if he's had sex by the time he's 25, I'll give you one.
The Not-Zoe blonde girl looks like she's had her hair cut with a lawnmower. Beardy farmer bloke gets on my tits, he is always setting up someone else to go whilst doing fuck all.
Not-Zoe wants to be 'grafted' into a good businesswoman. Jordan's plastic surgeon could probably arrange it.
Rhys, you're a very special man. When you finally fit into that suit, there's a job waiting for you at the Carphone Warehouse.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Junior Apprentice (Don't stop the beat)

I'm a day late with this because I forgot to put it in my plan-argh yesterday. Sowwee. AND I saw who got the boot on Digital Spy.
Cheese puns should have stopped at 'grated'.
Mudshoot (chute?) City Farm sounds like something out of a depressing film. Camping. I gave up camping after my tent got trampled at V. Sleeping on a crate under a tinfoil blankee once was enough for me. Let me never set foot in another Millets again.
My camping invention would be a sound-proof bubble with a telly in it: aka my house.
Is Brighton home to 'festival going enthusiasts'? It's certainly home to some genetically modified seagulls.
Why do these children want to go to meetings and sell things? It's not right. It's creepy. Also, some of them look like tiny children, and some look like adults. It's unsettling.
Their ideas are peculiar- you can see they've never been to a festival. I went to one when I was 14. Rock n roll. What IS that cardboard thing? They have overcomplicated things.
My boyfriend has just suggested 'Shower in a bag' which is actually a human-sized face-wipe costing a tenner. I like it. That's copyrighted, by the way.
That cardboard thing is a monstrosity. It looks both cheapo and pointless. The sledge thing is duff. You might as well just use a regular sledge, they're only about about a fiver (in fact you can probably get them for about 99p in the summer).
It's Sugar time. How can something so sweet look so sour?
I've been to that tree top walkway in Kew Gardens and it was RUBBISH! Kew Gardens is BORING. There's no animals. I'd rather go to the zoo. Or to Alton Towers. Or to Florida.
One of the girls is allegedly 16 but looks like an extra-depressed Tina off Corrie and about 25. There's a dowdy little mouse one but it's really all about Zoe with the lips. She's a teenage Terminator.
Don't kick out the little wide boy! He's sweet. There's tons of dead wood and duff characters. I don't like it when they kick out my faves. Ditch the worsties! I think Alan likes him.
Alan: 'you wasn't a good team leader'. And that wasn't very good English.
Ooh, he pointed this week! Glad he didn't get rid of Adam. I think Hibah was a scapegoat a bit. But sometimes you just gotta bleat.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Film: Four Lions

I watched Four Lions last night with my one friend in Brighton at the very cool Duke of York cinema. At least I hope it's called that- I'm writing this on my phone so can't check.
Four Lions, in case you don't know, is Chris Morris's latest baby: a comedy about some Bradford-based terrorists threatening to blow up the London marathon.
On the whole I very much enjoyed it: the cast were good, particularly the main dude (wikepedia this ain't) and matey bloke from Phone/facejacker. I like facejacker bloke, he's fit and pretty talented. My boyfriend and I can't stop laughing a Brian Bedenday even though it's not actually funny. But putting B at the start of words is just somehow very childishly amusing. I digress.
Oh, and amira from Eastenders is in it doing a bad northern accent and seeming blissfully happy about her husbands plan to blow himself up.
I thought the film started strong (the terror videos etc), sagged a little in the middle, and then I felt genuinely excited at the end. It's funny how you can find yourself half rooting for a loveable terrorist, yet still feel horrified when they run bomb-laden into a crowd.
The relationships are what made the film, and the love between the two brothers was the crux. It was quite moving (if wholly unrealistic) when hero-terrorist went to say goodbye to Amira and said 'i'll see you on the top floor'.
There were lots of LOLS- Alton Towers, sheep & crows to name but three. Chris Morris does miss the mark from time to time and sometimes I think his jokes are a bit duff but I'm sure he'd say the same about me, if he was one of the dwindling amount of people who actually read my ramblings. Anyway: I'm getting a lovely new netbook so i can blog on the train (the commuting is killing my creativity somewhat) and plan to blog my socks off over the last BB so stay tuned.
PS. Don't be offended by four lions. It's silly and sweet.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Junior Apprentice: Kid B minus

LORD SOME SUGAR ON ME! S Club Sugar. Allowed back on telly now the election BS is over. Shouting at children! He's the new Supernanny. Supernappy!
'I am ruthless in business' says a 12 year old. What business? Bullying? Stealing pocket money? The rent-a-quote bit at the start is just as laboured from a virgin's mouth, but more creepy.
What do they win? An internship at Amstrad? A Nintendo Wii? Probably a tangerine and a pair of socks, knowing our Alan.
They should do this show with a Young Alan Sugar (tm) played by Danny Dyer (he didn't write that column, alright?! ALRIGHT????) I see they've got a younger Margaret. Oh no, it's that hard faced football woman.
Don't start your spiel with talk of 'humping potatoes', Alan! They are only wee bairns.
Is he going to bring up the babies if the kids all start banging each other in the house? It's fairly unlikely though, they're all ugly as sin. And Arjun's chat up line was 'I love maths.' bless him.
There's some Peaches Geldof type with an undercut who clearly had her stall funded by daddy. Nice red lipstick, though.
Team names! INSTINCT. Revolution (said in Russell Brand style). Jordan looks like a spotty Andy Murray. I hope he's good at tennis.
Apparently 'no one wants to do a deal with an ugly person'. Who's going to tell Alan? Aw, he's not ugly, he's just well worn, like an old carpet.
Task: selling cheese! How long did it take them to think of that? Who's producing this shit, Alex James? What's their 'treat' gonna be, a year's supply of Low Low?
Adam is a Darren Miller wide-boy type.
The new Margaret (Karren) can't even spell her own name, so I don't hold out much hope for her as a mentor. Oh they're not mentors, just 'aides'. Just nosy old goats, more like. She needs to practice her eyebrow raising.
'Quick! We need to sell this cheese' the boys suddenly realise at about 5pm. Meanwhile Daddy's Girl Zoe has an abunance of confidence and sells like a motherfucker. She's a cocky cunt though and so not a team player. She's got to be an only child. I wonder what her pony is called?
Cheese glorious cheese! Man up and sell the cheese. Here's a tip: Don't tell your customer 'we just need to get rid of it'! VIVA LA REVOLUTION.
DON'T FUCK WITH ZOE. She will rip your fucking head off.
Andy Murray started talking all posh when he went in the boardroom. His little nemisis was trying to dig him out (I'll call him Henman).
The boardroom; makes blue eyes extra blue, especially when Alan makes them cry. He's lording it up!
The girls (well, Zoe) won. Deep fried pig's ear; what sort of treat is that?! It makes my diet look sophisticated.
Rhys is going home, I guarantee it. He's snivelled his way through this first episode. He looks like a choir boy playing dress-up in his dad's shirt. Send him to the naughty step!
'Wind is my least favourite weather type' said the sheep farmer Tim (and the only one who looks like he's even hit puberty). Alan doesn't want to know about the elements! He wants profit!
I like Adam! He's a cheeky little wide boy. Him FTW.
The boardroom bit drags on longer than the dire action movie 2012. You could cut it in half and I'd still be pissy about it.
Alan didn't do the pointing when he said 'you're fired'! I'd feel cheated without that, it's like going on Deal or No Deal and it being Love Week and you don't get the red boxes, but a pink box and made to dress up like Cupid. WRONG.
This was EXACTLY like watching the normal Apprentice except you couldn't fancy any of them. Better than I expected. Next up: Junior Babestation.

Friday, 7 May 2010

Live: Hole at Brixton Academy

A couple of days late with this one, forgive me! Went to see Hole again (thanks, Atomic Kitten) on Wednesday and it was a totally different experience to last time’s horrendous crush. Brixton is such a good venue in that you can get a decent view from practically anywhere, but we had a pretty good spot quite near the front. Missed much of the support band but they looked OK from the little I did see.
Courtney was absolutely on fire. I’d heard good things from the Glasgow gig (thanks for the spoilers, D, I can see why you were excited though!) but I wasn’t expecting this. The set was brilliant, some of it the same as before, but a lot different too. Violet was amazing; I remember vividly being heartbroken listening to that as loud as possible when I was 16, so it felt good to belt that one out with everyone else. She did Nine Inch Nails ‘I wanna fuck you like an animal’ (it can’t be called that- Closer to God?) which I hadn’t heard for 15 years but always enjoyed and her version was great- and she even did a little riff from Who’s Porno You Burn at the end which made me squeal. I’d like to hear that again.
Boys on the Radio was my highlight because it’s my favourite Hole song. I wouldn’t say she murdered it, but it was definitely going too fast and she messed up the lyrics (it has got a lot of lyrics though, as Conor Oberst said when he messed up ‘Joy Division’ by Simon Joyner) despite her reading them off the ground. She was reading the lyrics for quite a few songs; shocking really, I know the words, so shouldn’t she? Still, it’s Courtney. She can do what she wants! Even with that, though, Boys on the Radio was magical; I cried. I never thought I’d hear that live. It was just special and I’m emotional anyway right now.
She did some other nice covers, and a bit of a shitty version of that Smiths song that I don’t even like when Morrissey does it. Is it Suffer Little Children? ‘Manchester, so little to answer for’, as Morrissey would acerbically say. Oh, he is a wag. Can you believe I don’t know all my Smiths facts? I’m a fraud.
I thought Letter to God was really moving, and she did new stuff that I liked such as Nobody’s Daughter and Someone Else’s Bed. Still can’t be doing with the new version of Pacific Coast Highway though; that end is awful.
Hmm, what else? Her banter with the crowd was ace, she kept demanding the lights be turned on so she could see us, and demanding to fuck us. She was really funny and silly. She was threatening to take her clothes off and I thought ‘no way’ but she did and she had the most beautiful underwear on underneath; all purple and black and lacy. She looked absolutely stunning (but still too skinny, eat a sandwich, mum). I wasn’t expecting that as she is in her ‘politician’s wife’ mode of dress at the moment. She did the rest of the gig in her undies. The woman is in her mid forties. She has got balls.
The end was pretty weird, when she dragged up some kid who looked like he didn’t know the words to sing Doll Parts. He looked embarrassed. Her voice was beyond fucked by the end, she was really struggling. In fact all the way through she was turning the mic to the crowd because she couldn’t do certain high bits.
I felt so happy watching this gig, seeing her so adored, and on such good form. I never knew so many people liked her! She’s a one off. I’m sure there’s loads I’ve forgotten. But it was really wonderful. I’m so glad I went again!