Review: RoboCop 2014

I took my boyfriend on a date to see the new RoboCop last night! Oh the romance. And on the bus home I broke the news to my boyfriend about the Morrissey, Cliff Richard and Tom Jones gig, which I still won’t believe is real until I see it, and I also refuse to see it, so in my mind it will just remain a bad dream, even though everyone is talking about it and laughing at me. Well, ha bloody ha.  

NB: This blog will contain very mild spoilers. But it’s a blog about a new film, what do you expect!?

Anyway, RoboCop. RoboCop is my boyfriend’s favourite film and I think he must have seen it 500 times. I have seen it with him about 15 times and I still can’t remember what happens half the time, but he does, going, ‘this is a good bit coming up’ every five minutes. A lot of people seem to be being quite prissy and precious about this new RoboCop, ‘oh it’s a PG’, ‘oh, his suit is black’, ‘oh it’s not a satire’ but my boyfriend was just like, ‘It’s ROBOCOP!’

The added bonus for all straight women and gay and bi men (inclusive!) going to watch the film, is the new RoboCop is played by Swedish hottie Joel Kinnaman. If you’ve not watched the US version of The Killing, you’ve missed out on him playing a reformed-junkie cop who talks like a bad rapper, yet there is something so endearingly warm about him you just want to sit in a police car smoking fags in the pouring rain with him, whilst young girls get murdered all around you.

The new RoboCop director José Padilha obviously thought the same, as he gives Joel the same accent in this role, oh and he’s a cop, as well, as the title suggests. Typecast? Who cares. I was worried Joel doesn’t quite have the lips for the role (RoboCop needs a good pair of lips, as that’s the only bit you can see most of the time) but luckily he has his visor up quite a lot so we can look at his lovely face. Although the bit where you see he’s just a head, lungs and a hand is a bit off-putting. How are you going to have robosex at this rate (come on, it’s what everyone is thinking)?

I’m going to fess up now and say despite being forced to watch the original many times, the only things that really stick in my mind about it is that robot going nutso at the beginning and the sad bit when RoboCop (the dude) dies. The new film does not follow the same plot but has lots of elements the same.

Samuel L Jackson is exactly as you’d expect him to be as the news anchor championing RoboCops. I liked the start where they showed the how the robots worked in Tehran. I liked all the bits where Joel Kinnaman was human. I didn’t even mind the one flashbacky/dream bit as I got to see his real body again. His wife is lovely but dull, which is a bit of a shame, especially as there is a strong female character in the original RoboCop.

Gary Oldman plays the doctor who puts Alex Murphy back together after something bad happens to him (different to the original) and Michael Keaton is the mastermind trying to market the cops in America. Both actors can be annoying at times, and good in other things (Gary Oldman will never top Drexel in True Romance, for example: ‘It aint white boy day, is it?’) but both were reliable in this.

For a PG I thought the film was still quite violent, but less bloody and probably less scary than the original. As you’d expect, it focuses more on the action and things blowing up.

The black suit WAS a bit crap, I preferred the original, but I didn’t mind the motorbike. We laughed a few times ‘I’m in marketing!’ but it probably wasn’t as funny as the original.

It felt like quite a long film but didn’t drag at all, unlike most long films I’ve watched lately that could have done with a bloody good edit (Hunger Games 2 – Catching Fire, for example, could have happily lost the first 45 minutes).

I was a bit wary of seeing this film as out of the corner of my eye I had seen hints of some duff reviews, but I enjoyed it much more than I expected. I like sci fi, I like futuristic things, and I like Joel Kinnaman, so I was sold. My boyfriend also enjoyed it, and he actually knows about these things, so STFU Robosnobs.

My view on remakes is the same as cover versions: if you’re going in wanting the same as the original, just watch or listen to the original. A cover version should offer us a different take on a song, just ask Darius, or more sensibly, see The Killers version of the Bright Eyes song Four Winds. I’m talking taking a country song and turning it electro. Nice. That’s what the RoboCop reboot does; it takes a classic, and presents it to you in a different way. If you’re the kind of movie snob who has made their mind up going in that it’s going to be crap, then yes, you’ll probably find plenty to bitch and moan about. But I’m a person who was glad to see Big Brother picked up by Channel 5, even if it was an inferior version (at first) because I LOVE BIG BROTHER, like my boyfriend LOVES ROBOCOP. So if you love RoboCop, why not be pleased to see him again, black suit or otherwise?

Having said this, I thought Rec 3 was more entertaining than Rec 1, so you probably can’t trust my opinion on anything. Rec 2 is obviously the best though; ‘RELAX!’ *hides behind pillow*

Film: Catfish

OMG! This film was amazing. Talk about a slow burn. It's a great story, and it definitely won't be to everyone's taste, but I really liked it. It's true, the less you know about it the better. I'd suggest probably not reading this if you are going to watch it, because I'm going to have to spoiler a little bit to even talk about it. So don't read this- go and watch it! I mean it; don't read this if you're gonna watch it.

STOP.

It starts slow, but it's really tense when it kicks off about 20 minutes in. I felt tense for about half an hour during the middle. The dynamic once it becomes clear what's happening is really freaky and intriguing and incredibly sad. A lot is unsaid.
This film is for anyone who's ever been lied to on the internet. And I have. I went out with a bloke once who was courting four other girls at the same time on a messageboard I frequented. And one of them was in Australia! More fool me.
The main guy in this film, Nev, is such a dude, charming, beautiful, and ultimately extremely kind and understanding. He had every right to go completely insane. This story could have ended very, very differently.
It must have hurt him to be so cool about everything. He got totally done over. I liked the bit where he read out the 'sexy' texts. He had balls to do that.
I wonder how Angela felt when they turned up on her doorstep? She must have shit herself. I don't blame her for falling in love with him, I think I've fell in love with him a bit. Those teeth and brown eyes were just a killer combination, and I even liked his hairy chest when just got out of bed. It must have hurt her to not be what he wanted her to be. The internet is cruel; charm isn't awarded unless you got something to back it up.
Ultimately, this film tells a sad story, of a sad woman who just wanted a bit of escape. Who wouldn't want to live in a fantasy world? And she was definitely creative; in more ways than one. And she was still lying to his face whilst confessing! I think she was just a bit mental; but who could blame her?
You think her partner Vince would be more pissed off about the whole situation, really. He took it all pretty well, too.
I cried at the end, obv. I'll be your facebook friend, Nev. I'm 24, five foot eight with long dark hair, I'm a keen gymnast and I play the clarinet. I think we're gonna get on great.

Film review: 127 Hours

Is a film worth watching if you know how it ends before you watch it? Depends, I suppose. Personally I enjoy real-life drama, and real-life horror, so this film appealed to me. In case you've been hiding under a rock (I DEFINITELY can't be the first person to make that joke) it's about this dude played by James Franco his name) who gets his hand trapped under a boulder whilst out exploring a massssssive canyon (where? I dunno. But it looks rather cool).
The film is directed by Danny Boyle, who flush from Slumdog Millionaire, gets rather excited with this film.
In my opinion, he should have stripped it right back. Instead, he goes a bit overboard with wide shots of the scenery, fancy camera-work, overly-sentimental flashbacks and ridiculous fantasy sequences (dur, I know he didn't dislodge the boulder by getting rained on because he *SPOILER* cuts his own arm off). Do we care about the shadowy girlfriend figure? No, because we learn fuck-all about her. I personally would have gone for keeping the camera solely on James Franco, and made more of the video camera/ his internal monologue etc. Who cares if that's not what happened? Something tells me he didn't really hallucinate a giant inflatable Scooby Doo either.
I watched this film called Buried recently, which is about a bloke who wakes up buried in a coffin and the whole thing is just him inside the coffin, and it's very oppressive and pretty harrowing. I think Boyle should have gone for a similar tact. I think more should have been made of the panic and the slow realisation that he was going to die there unless he did something seriously drastic.
James Franco is quite good; he's like Heath Ledger meets Josh Hartnett but a bit more annoying.
The arm-sawing is pretty good- very gory if you like that sort of thing. Let's face it, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. The fact this his 'younger self' was sat watching him cheapened it a bit; just lazy TV-movie tactics. Slumdog was almost perfect; violent, romantic, featuring Who Wants to Be a Millionaire; it feels like this should have been as good.
I enjoyed this film, but I think someone needed to tell Danny Boyle that the story was strong enough in itself without the soap-opera this-is-how-you're-meant-to-feel-about-this histrionics. Still, amazing story.

Film: Four Lions

I watched Four Lions last night with my one friend in Brighton at the very cool Duke of York cinema. At least I hope it's called that- I'm writing this on my phone so can't check.
Four Lions, in case you don't know, is Chris Morris's latest baby: a comedy about some Bradford-based terrorists threatening to blow up the London marathon.
On the whole I very much enjoyed it: the cast were good, particularly the main dude (wikepedia this ain't) and matey bloke from Phone/facejacker. I like facejacker bloke, he's fit and pretty talented. My boyfriend and I can't stop laughing a Brian Bedenday even though it's not actually funny. But putting B at the start of words is just somehow very childishly amusing. I digress.
Oh, and amira from Eastenders is in it doing a bad northern accent and seeming blissfully happy about her husbands plan to blow himself up.
I thought the film started strong (the terror videos etc), sagged a little in the middle, and then I felt genuinely excited at the end. It's funny how you can find yourself half rooting for a loveable terrorist, yet still feel horrified when they run bomb-laden into a crowd.
The relationships are what made the film, and the love between the two brothers was the crux. It was quite moving (if wholly unrealistic) when hero-terrorist went to say goodbye to Amira and said 'i'll see you on the top floor'.
There were lots of LOLS- Alton Towers, sheep & crows to name but three. Chris Morris does miss the mark from time to time and sometimes I think his jokes are a bit duff but I'm sure he'd say the same about me, if he was one of the dwindling amount of people who actually read my ramblings. Anyway: I'm getting a lovely new netbook so i can blog on the train (the commuting is killing my creativity somewhat) and plan to blog my socks off over the last BB so stay tuned.
PS. Don't be offended by four lions. It's silly and sweet.

Film: Paranormal Activity

Last night I watched Paranormal Activity (clunky title), a film touted as the scariest thing EVER and certain to keep you awake at night. So I was pretty excited.
Paranormal Activity has been promoted as an on-the-cheap work of genius, made for 9K and made 50 million dollars at the box office, a Blair Witch for the zeros, a handheld horror that is really gonna shit us up.
But no. For starters, it is SLOW. Really slow. It clocks in at 1.37 and they could have cut it to an hour and it would have still been a little flabby. The couple are unlikeable. Not a problem in a way; let’s watch them suffer. But they are actually really annoying. The girl is whiney, and the boyfriend is a complete idiot- and I mean an utter tosser. To the pair of them: Just LEAVE THE HOUSE. Get in the car and GO.
Nothing happens for at least half an hour (and I’m being generous), and when it does, it’s just a few bumps, interspersed with the pair of them arguing and moaning. The psychic guy isn’t much bloody use either. There are a couple of bits later on that will make you jump, and the end is quite sinister, but it wasn’t worth it.
Good things; a female lead who is normal-sized and the house is quite scary. That’s about it. It’s just nowhere near frightening enough. I want to be terrifed!
This reminded me of Rec. in that there was too much chat, not enough horror/ fear. For handheld camera joy, go see Cloverfield if you haven’t already. For genuine terror, go watch Eden Lake. Then never go to the shops again, as the sight of a chav will give you a panic attack.
No idea why this has got such good reviews. I’ve seen it all a million times, and the story line isn’t that well realised either. The ‘this film is gleaned from police video’ schtick might have worked on a 90s audience; we’re a bit too knowing now. Personally, I prefer Paranormal Attack.

Film review: Bruno

Another Big Brother blog? Ich don't think so!
I don't read reviews of films I'm going to go and see because I like to make my own mind up, but was seriously concerned when reverse-taste barometer Christopher Tookey in the Daily Mail gave Bruno four stars. How!? He hates everything, especially anything with a whiff of gay in the vicinity! Also, there were various tweets in the air saying it was crap/funny, so I wasn't sure quite what we were going to get. So what was (my version of) the truth?
First, I don't like Bruno's new hair. I liked his old hair! I enjoyed the opening music of Euro-trance, and the fashion bits were really good. I think there should have been more of him crucifying the fashion industry, but I guess people are too aware of him now. Plus the plot line is him losing his fashion credentials...
I thought the story had a very similar structure to Borat; the love story, the set ups (obviously) and the big bang at the end (and I don't mean Bono being unnecessarily shoe-horned in).
It was a LOT more graphic that Borat; the sexual stuff was pretty outrageous, but very funny. I cried with laughter watching Borat; I think I was cringing more during Bruno- setting up that politician was just horrendous, and that swingers party was just disturbing.
The audacity of him going out to Iraq was bloody amazing; I mean, Sasha Baron Cohen is BRAVE. The shit that he gets up to is unreal. The talk show was mainly just funny, and a lot of bits did seem completely set up (ie. fake), but when he visited the psychic!!! Oh my god. Words fail me. He has got some balls as an actor. As for those parents selling their babies down the river; are we really surprised?
At times the film felt a little thrown together and it seemed to whizz-by. There was nothing as brilliant as Borat butchering the US national anthem, and THAT naked fight in the hotel, but the wrestling match almost got there. It was just brilliant; totally bold, quite moving and definitely dangerous! It felt like a real message; like it totally blew the redneck mind apart. And if it makes one ignorant bonehead think twice, then hurrah.
Sasha Baron Cohen has been recycling decade old ideas for so long; he must be bursting with new characters and comedy; and I'm looking forward to them. Let's just hope he doesn't shoehorn Isla Fisher in.

Film: [Rec]

I finally watched Rec last night, a Spanish horror film that apparently 'is what Cloverfield dreamt of being'. Well I still like Cloverfield better, but Rec was creepier.
The film follows a TV crew filming firemen out on a job, in which they get called to a house where an old woman has gone crazy. I won't ruin it too much, but the firemen, journalist and all the tenants of the building find themselves locked in, with the building sealed off by the authorities, with no explanation.
It is filmed on a handheld camera by a character we never get to see, and we are taken through the action by the very cute TV reporter, who seems more excited than frightened by the turn of events for the first two thirds of the film- the latter part, she's perhaps wishing they'd gone to rescue a cat from up a tree.
There was definitely a lull in the middle where nothing seemed to happen for at least 15 minutes, but then when the action started again, it was horrifically relentless. I screamed very loudly at one point so I'm glad I was in my bedroom rather than the cinema.
The ending reveals a character who is is creepier than anything the Blair Witch project could offer up and whom I'm sure will be featuring in my nightmares very shortly.
The end seemed inevitable, and I guessed the cause of the mayhem, but was well executed, and genuinely frightening. A million times better than The Orphanage, if you don't mind subtitles it's definitely worth watching.

Film: The Wackness

'I just see the dopeness, you just see the wackness.' I don't remember ever talking like this in the 90s but hey, it's still a good line.
Someone either recommended this film to me, or I read somewhere that it was good, and I can't remember which. Either way, it's about a weed dealer and set in the 90s. I do associate weed dealing quite heavily with the 90s, but then I had a peculiar upbringing.
It's quite slow-paced; kind of like 8 Mile meets The Garden State; of which I liked both. The Eminem-style character who likes his hippity-hop is very easy on the eye. Ben Kingsley plays his psychiatrist, and he pays him in bags of weed. Even though I don't really like hip hop, the soundtrack was good, and used quite effectively I thought. I liked the mentions of Kurt Cobain and mixtapes and the lack of mobiles; that's how it was in the 90s, kids.
Is it an urban myth that a lot of dealers pose as ice-cream sellers? I'm sure I've heard that on many occasions but I've never offered anything more potent than a Nobbly-Bobbly from Mario's Ices.
I had this feeling that something bad was going to happen all the way through as it all seemed too floaty and easy. Plus those black guys with the guns looked a bit menacing at the beginning, and you know, drug dealers should get their comeuppance and all that rubbish.
Actually, it turned out to be about friendship/ coming of age and all that caboodle. Quite nice really.

Film: A Complete History of My Sexual Failures

I watched this film today, which was a documentary following a slacker-type guy called Chris (who had an echo of Kurt Cobain about him), who had been dumped by every girlfriend he'd had and could no longer get it up.
The film came to rather a big snag early on when none of his ex girlfriends wanted to be on film. He eventually persuaded a couple of them who he went out with quite young. Both of them were quite smug and looked years older than him, even if they did have big, bland houses. I think he had a lucky escape with those ones. Unfortunately later on he met up with some of his exes who he had clearly done serious wrong by, and they were interesting, attractive and independent.
I thought the film was slow and relentlessly depressing for some time. Chris was a pretty unlikeable character, in my opinion, I didn't feel he had much charm, he just stumbled from one crisis to the next. I don't mind a scruffy bloke, but having to get his mum in to clean pubes from round his toilet was a step too far. Not appealing.
He didn't seem to have a lot of answers as to WHY he was such a dick. Why didn't he reply to Olivia's love letters? Why did he propose to one girlfriend and then never set a date for the wedding? That particular girlfriend still lived in the flat they'd shared and it was probably the most interesting part of the film as they cried together. How silly of him to declare himself still in love with her, when she was pregnant. It was textbook teenager behaviour, and just emphasised how emotionally immature he was.
The film lost it in the middle; first with his trip to the dungeon (how would getting his arse smacked and his dick twisted help him get a hard on?) and then when he decided to deal with his erectile dysfunction by doing a whole packet of Viagra. I thought it was pretty insane. Can't you have a heart attack like that? When he ran out of the streets begging people to fuck him I thought that was tantamount to sexual assault; I would have punched him in the face had he approached me like that. He lost all of my sympathy at that point.
Yet incredibly, he met his next girlfriend this way! And she was really good-looking and had a good job as a journalist. I was glad the film cheered up a bit, but it seemed a little too neat.
All in all Chris reminded me of the kind of person you know who just won't grow up, and who blames other people for all their problems. I think the film was meant to be funny, but I didn't laugh very much. It just made me realise how stupid men can be in relationships. And how much women have to put up with. (insert sexism complaint here!)

Film Review: Wall-E

Last night I ventured back to the wilds of Holloway to watch Wall-E. An annoying ‘how-do-you-pronounce it?’ title, but I do like my animation, and was intrigued by the papers bigging it up as a ‘masterpiece’. I saw it compared to classics like ET and Finding Nemo. In reality, I liked the much maligned Speed Racer more, so that says something (something bad).
Wall-E the character is alright, but not very chatty. I do find it hard to get into a film with little dialogue, I must admit, like that bloody Tom Hanks film where he’s friends with that ball.
Wall-E spends his time sifting through other people’s rubbish (OPR, as my ex with a penchant for skips used to call it), on an abandoned earth. I liked Wall-E’s bedroom, it reminded me of mine, adorned with fairy lights and assorted plastic tat. But he lacks originality, coming off like a cut-price Johnny 5, and his girlfriend looks like this toy I got for Christmas that I thought was cutting edge back in 1985. The artists could have used their imagination slightly more. I hate the way the humans look too. I hate the way Pixar do humans. Everything’s either cutesy or grotesque, there’s no middle-ground.
I liked the fact Eve the female lead was a bit trigger-happy and angry rather than a simpering pink robot with eyelashes and a bow in her hair, but she wasn’t amazing. Wall-E wasn’t either, in fact I thought he was a little bit creepy with his penchant for hand holding (even when Eve looked pretty dead at times).
I watched this film last night and already I can’t remember what happened, really. It was pretty, and cute, and sentimental, but it left no lasting impression one way or the other. It didn’t have the characterisation or emotion of ET or Nemo. There was something just a bit clunky about the script.
I think in the end I just found this film a bit too robot-y. It lacked a bit of heart.

Film Review: The Orphanage

Well, I've been meaning to watch this for two weeks now after a hearty recommendation from my best friend and a gushing review on The Culture Show. Which leaves me asking, can I have those two hours of my life back? And can I trust either of these sources for information EVER AGAIN?
The first hour of this film was so boring it made my three-hour round trip to the vet on Saturday seem like a free weekend in Las Vegas. I was hopeful it might pick up after that as I'd been told it was so scary it would make me jump (repeatedly) and was so good at the end that Mark Kermode off The Culture Show was moved to tears. I was prepared with a cushion to hide behind and everything. Instead it was just another hour of tedium, with a mild feeling of depression at the end. No jumping. No thrills. I've been more scared watching Most Haunted Live.
I should have known really, as it was by the same director as Pan's Labyrinth which promised to be magical and instead was dreary and wrist-slashing. The Orphanage promised to be frightening and was instead dreary, cliched and slower than Jade Goody. And why were those kids terrorising her anyway? Surely they were her buddies at the orphanage? Also, the last thing she did to her boy was whack him one, so I think the finger of suspicion probably could have swung her way a bit more.
I like my horror films to be REALLY scary... not gory, but to at least get your heart beating. To at least make you care. This was just an unsettling mix of creepiness, mild gore, and the very worst of things, sentimentality. This film was ten million times less frightening, original or interesting as the most basic of scaries like The Ring or even bloody Final Destination (which is brilliant!). I don't think I would have been remotely scared by this even as a child.
What I don't get is... why did this get such good reviews? Am I missing some vital bit of my brain? Or do I just have the most basic of attention spans?
Whichever way you look at it, I'm right, and if you like this, you're wrong.

Hot Fuzz

Hot Fuzz was excellent- much better than I expected. The only bits of trailer I had seen involved Simon Pegg and Nick Frost jumping over/ crashing into those fences. Which was very funny, but hardly an action-packed highlight.
Similarly, the film starts slow, with Pegg's character being moved from the Metropolitan Police Service (not Force!) that he loves so much to a station in the countryside.
For the first twenty minutes or so, there are so many cameos it's almost distracting, Steve Coogan, bloke from The Office, bloke from Love Actually, Bill Bailey, woman from Peep Show... I could go on and on. The story is reasonably slow to start but I liked the gentle introduction of Pegg's character and his kicking all the underage kids out of the pub and arresting half the people in town (i.e. four) on his first night.
It is in the second half of the film that it really kicks off though, with some fantastically gory deaths and lots of kindly-executed cop-film spoofing (Point Break is genius). The action in the last hour of the film is really fast-paced, genuinely exciting as well as clever and funny throughout.
I won't ruin it by going into grand detail because I hate reviews that do that, but genuinely go and see it. I was expecting a sub-par Shaun of the Dead, and this film isn't quite as good, but it is loads and loads of fun. Long may the partnership of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost continue.