Wednesday, 25 May 2011

The Apprentice: lastminute.cunt

Beauty salon task. In Birmingham. Is Birmingham the grimmest place in Britain? It can't be far off. We used to go clubbing there very occasionally when we lived in Northampton. Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place.
LOL to the 'clip-in winge'. Looked delightful! Orlando got volunteered to put makeup on and he looked THRILLED. He's got a GIRLFRIEND. Next you'll be insinuating he's GAY. And then he said 'spray tanning women is part of the task' looking beleaguered. Pussy-whipped or what (I can use this in a non-sexist way in my own blog- ha!)
I love the inventor guy! He's lush. I don't want Alan to shout at him. Be gentle.
I kind of like those big bows made out of fake hair they're selling. I don't if I can carry that shit off these days. I'm nearly 31!
I don't personally like beauty treatments when provided by qualified professionals, let alone by Apprentice contestants. Spas freak me out. I can't relax in that situation, it makes me want to go mentals. And if someone touched my feet I'd kick them in the face. DO NOT TOUCH THE FEET. Feet should be not seen and not heard and definitely not touched.
Love Tom not being able to remember the name of Lady Gaga! STFU Nick. Go suck on your Lord-Sugar-lemon-pop elsewhere. Karren Brady is also practising her best perturbed look. I wonder how much she gets paid for that kind of genius.
I like it when Suzy goes 'it's so unfair'. I'm surprised she doesn't stomp off to her bedroom and put Marilyn Manson on. She's getting set up to take the fall before they've even failed the task! Team Pessimist!
I liked Alan's joke about Vincent having the spray tan! I don't really like either of these girl team leaders, but the blonde one is preferable. I'm nervous my inventor is going to go now.
It's not the greasy spoon's fault you keep losing, Vincent.
OMG! that person I've never seen before who described something as '' is my new most hated! UGH. I hate society.
Aw to the blonde team leader going all red and rashy. I'd go red and rashy in that situation, too. DON'T TAKE TOM IN. I heart Tom. Yeah, Natasha! She of the '' EFFRONTERY.
Who really cares who goes out of this lot? Tom is safe. Vincent is safe! Rejoice.
I just worked out what the blonde one is called; Felicity. I don't want her to go. The other two are way more annoying. Oh, Felicity went. Just as I learnt her name! Dammit.
PS: It's lame they didn't say goodbye to her. That's nothing to be proud of. Didn't your mum teach you any manners? GOOD NIGHT.

Monday, 23 May 2011

There's something about Josie: If you can't hack it, get your jacket

Quick, pass the heroin. It's time to delve my foot into the murky pool of 'one of Britain's best loved celebrity couples.' Yeah, I love Josie and Crab Eyes marginally more than Wayne and Coleen Rooney, but slightly less than that thing off TOWIE and Jack Tweed's less articulate friend (I've never seen TOWIE so this may or may not be accurate).
Josie is designing clothes for overweight people. I hope it's not more of those horrendously unflattering maxi dresses she always wears.
BORING. Bring on the c-words!
Ah, here we go. Crabby is packing up a suitcase full of pleather jackets and guyliner. Josie should go back to Bristol and be happy. They'll find her hanging from the rafters of that disgusting flat if she carries on like this.
John James is doing a whole 'poor me' act, skulking in the corner behind a cardboard box. I always thought John James's highlights were gross. But his brown hair is even worse.
Ah, the infamous OK splitting up interview. I read the whole thing in Sainsburys (fuck you, OK, I'm not paying for your made up headlines!) and it was pure car crash, so can't wait to see it on TV, too. Imagine breaking up with not just a journalist in the room, but a TV crew as well. Shouldn't some things be done privately? I wonder what John 'I'm getting angry now!' James would have thought of a couple who did that sort of thing when he was ensconced in the BB house. Well, I've got an idea. I'd like to strangle him with that Topman scarf, cobber.
Ooh, The Decks got a mention! They should stay together for the sake of those decks. Think of the children!
Josie's hair looked nice when they were out for dinner. John James might as well have already been in Oz for the attention he gave her.
JJ! Can you fuck off out of Josie's house now, you fucking leech?
I hate the way John James is leaving just to punish her. It's really cruel. Does he take one bit of responsibility for the way he's treated her? Just admit you DON'T LOVE HER. Show her that bit of decency. He looks like such a knob in that hat, an' all.
Him saying 'you can't just walk away' in the airport is a bit rich when he's getting on a plane to Australia. This is actually quite upsetting. I guess she never saw him again after that. He shouldn't have done that to her; it's a cowardly way to dump someone.
The way he goes on reminds me a lot of someone I used to go out with, and those kind of mind games can really break you. Josie might shout a bit but she's pretty straight up. What you see is what you get (cliche intended).
Even that house Josie went to look at in Bristol was gross. I hate new build houses, they're like giant council houses. Aw I feel sorry for her planning for him to come back when he had no intention of doing that. Well, even if he had come back, they'd have just argued their way through those grotesque overgrown council houses.
Ugh this had gone really boring again now Crabby's gone.
Josie's mum seemed drunk. Why is John James wearing Josie's necklace?! Re. her mum's advice: fuck me, I'd rather be John James's emotional punchbag than go out with Olly Murs.
Her hair looked better when it was straight, before he curled it. Tongs should be banned. Why do they always style Josie with her arms out?! I've got fat arms and guess what, I don't get them out. You can cover yourself up and look really good. I'm the master of covering up my bad bits lately, cos there's so many of them! I suppose it's good she's not bothered, but I just think she could look really good with the right help. I feel like they're setting her up to look a bit stupid at times. Like 'well you're not anorexic so we're going to make you look a frump'. Put her in a baggy top and some skinny jeans and she'd look cool.
I liked Josie's attitude in the interviews afterwards, she seemed pretty strong. I think Josie is a good example to women to lose controlling boyfriends and get on with your life. It's just most of us don't have another continent to send them to.
So is that the end of the series? If not, it should be! I can't do these celeb reality shows. I need strangers. I need vetos. I need live feed.
PS. Don't ever put JJ on my screen again, please. Stick him back down the obscurity pipe.
PPS. She sold his decks on ebay. LOL!

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

The Apprentice: I'm tired.

I'm actually enjoying The Apprentice more this year, it seems a bit tighter. However, I'm not enjoying blogging tonight because I feel deathly. I'm going nodwards the second this finishes.
So they've got to buy stuff for the Savoy hotel. Suzy is project manager. Uh oh.
Gavin (on team Logic) is so severe! He scares me.
I know what a cloche is, because I've watched a squillion Big Brothers and I'm a Celebs. It's what they stick the manky food under. (Get the meat!) I can't believe not one of them knows.
Top hats cost nearly £400. Wow. Gavin is struggling under pressure. I like Vincent, he's a buffoon. Natasha was coming off pushy and desperate. I hate the hard sell!
Wow, saving a penny! They are really hardnosed business people.
Top hat dry cleaners! Brilliant. That's like going to AAAardvark taxis and asking if the sell aardvarks. These people are morons.
Vincent taking the phone off Ellie was a bit rude. Three-ply loo roll? Well la-di-da.
OMG Suzy's team won by £8! Every penny does count after all. I'd be surprised if Gavin didn't go home.
I've never even seen that dowdy blonde girl speak before! I still don't recognise about 30% of these people- is that normal?
I hope they don't boot Vincent, he's like the last comedy character left. Ah it's a shame Gavin went, even though he scared me. There was something a bit sexy about those glasses.
ps. Sorry for my bad blogz. Poorly.

The British Soap Awards 2011

Time is flying. It seems about ten seconds since I last blogged these fuckers. And what a year it's been for soap. Hasn't Eastenders been amazing? Oh...
Admittedly the tram crash was good in Corrie, but on the whole, I don't think Corrie has been that great this year. I miss Blanche and the humour has given way for grotesque product placement. Like my boyf said, I'd rather they just show the packet than have them going 'Let's go to ALTON TOWERS! Let's stop at MCDONALDS on the way!' It's tawdry.
Tony Gordon! Give his eye an award for best actor. He is SADLY missed. Ooh, Syed looks dreamy.
McFly are giving an award to sexiest female. One of the nominees is Zoe Lucker (Vanessa). Are we that hard up? Tania is about 500 times better looking. Roxy aint even bothered to show up. Tina from Corrie won. She's dressed in gold foil. Tasty. She just looks like a good-looking girl next door to me. She dedicated the award to her mum and dad, presumably for giving her the genes.
Sexiest (I nearly wrote sexist- habit) male next. Sugababes are presenting, well the current heads. Keith Duffy! VILE. Duckworth spawn?! Vile. Maria's wife beater boyfriend? Gross. SYED! Jack Branning. Christian. Syed for the win, please. He's lovely.
Duckworth spawn looks mega sleazy. His low neck JLS-style t-shirts should be banned. OMG Syed wasn't even in the top four! WTF. Nor Christian! Homophobes. David Cameron probably banned it. Ah, Jack just made the genes joke. Nice white jacket. Very Manuel.
Best young performance (ie. most precocious child). Obviously Simon from Corrie must win. Simon did win! LOL. Aw Peter Barlow carried him up. Cute.
Most spectacular scene (ie. biggest explosion) must go to the tram crash. The Eastenders pub fire was farcical. Especially Phil's crackting. Why did the tram make a noise like Godzilla when it came off the tracks? Mentals. I should think it did win after all the £££ they spent on it.
Villain of the year. John Stape! He murders people but he's still not very scary. Lucas! Hell no. Hollyoaks is probably going to win this one.
Tracey aint bothered showing up, either. Not sure who won this, someone from Something I Don't Watch.
Best on-screen partnership. No Steve and Becky? Oh no, there they are. I think Kat and Alfie have a horrible relationship. She treats him like crap. What's she wearing?!
Best newcomer: Fatboy?! He's been in it for years! They are scraping the barrel. Dude from Hollyoaks won it, ffs. He must be good, he won the Villain, too.
Lifetime achievement. Ugh. What old relic's arse are we gonna kiss now? Oh, Jack Duckworth. I hate Jack and I hate Vera. He aint even bothered to show! Aw, Tyrone flew out to give him the award. That was kind of cute.
Best actor. Peter Barlow. Kevin Webster?! Masood! Phil. Shane Richie- ugh. Yeah give it to Peter Barlow! Hmm, they gave it to someone in Emmerdale, yo.
Best comedy performance. Auntie Kim. Mary from Corrie. Are you sure this isn't the annoying award? Paddy McGuiness actually made a funny joke. Where's Tamwar? Norris?
Mary won. I can't stand her character. She's not rooted in reality at all.
Best storyline went to Kevin/Mollygate. Hardly!
Best actress. Carol from Eastenders?! Oh fucking spare me. Zainab?! Ugh. Give it to Becky! Kay won. Why isn't Ronnie nominated for anything? She did all that staring into middle distance SO well.
Ugh, I can't be fucked to watch this anymore. I'm gonna go watch The Apprentice. Eastenders win best soap, right? Like they always do. UNDESERVEDLY. Arseholes.
PS. Best musical score? PEGGY'S THEME.

Monday, 16 May 2011

There's something about Josie: 'I don't even know what a gastric band is'

I'm already despairing about having to watch another episode of this, I'm not even slightly in the mood for John James's BS. And why are the credits so gaudy? It's like looking at an copy of Real People magazine.
I just fast forwards through the boxing bit. I think I'd rather watch that boxing claptrap in Eastenders. This modelling thing is dull as fuck, too. God, I think I'd be better off watching Kerry Katona. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH THIS?
Ah, the Josie and John James dress up as Peter and Jordan OK magazine photoshoot. I actually bought that one. I wonder why she doesn't want to play dress up. I seem to recall some angry little man in the Big Brother house calling someone a whore for the mere idea of appearing in a magazine shoot. WEIRD. I wonder why Josie is so upset about dressing up as a couple who have split up. Because she knows their relationship is doomed, obviously.
Josie is being a diva. Even John James is being more reasonable than her. It's like the magazine editors are taking the piss out of them. The whole show just feels sneery. I know they're asking for it. I know they're getting paid for it. But it's still just unpleasant to watch.
Ugh the way they are talking to each other is disgusting. If you're calling each other names and shouting at each other, it's not a relationship. Sure everyone argues, but you still have to have respect for your partner. They have none.
Ah now they're arguing about the 'he forced me to have an abortion' magazine cover. I can see why crabby is annoyed about that as it does look like it was him that said it. Mind you, it's not Josie's fault what lies they stick on the front.
Oh the dulcet Australian and Bristolian accents arguing. Magical.
Creepy fans! Ugh. Why do people want to be famous? I couldn't think of anything worse. Having to speak to freaks everywhere you go. I'd rather have anonymity than any millions.
God, I'd hate to go out with a moody so-and-so like John James. I can't STAND moody men. WTF why is JJ acting as go between. JJ is so fucking ugly he makes me want to vom. I'd rather have sex with a boiled egg than that boring cunt.
Was that hotel 'luxury'? I've seen better in the before section of The Hotel Inspector.
Thank God Josie chucked that thing out. He's like an emotional vampire. I've been in that situation where I've been out with someone I thought was so good-looking that I let them get away with murder. It's really not worth it. No, really.
Yeah, the fans are right, Josie sure is 'bubbly'. Why are all their 'fans' middle-aged women?! Why is JJ signing things at Josie's perfume signing? Get off that bandwagon, you fucking leech.
It's so sad and pathetic hearing them arguing about their looks. Josie should have stayed having a laugh with her mates. I think Josie would be better off just moving back to Bristol and being near her family. Fame aint all it's cracked up to be; just ask Chantelle.
John James is an emotionally abusive POS. I've seen his kind a million times before. I bet you a million times he's useless in bed, too. In fact I bet you a ZILLION pounds he's one of those guys who won't go down on a girl. I'd bet my fucking LIFE ON IT. HE IS A MISOGYNIST.
Whippet? Postcode? WTF sort of argument is this?! How embarrassing having an argument like that on camera. Where's your dignitas?
I think that disgusting flat is sucking the life out of them. It's like the dullest hotel room on the planet.
LOL look at that scarf John James is wearing. And the earring! Stop calling her a cunt, you nasty little fucker. Woman-hating little closet case. I bet JJ is shitting himself now because his two meal tickets are warring. Better go back to Aston Merrygold and leech off him instead.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Big Brother USA: The best programme on TV. Ever.

My boyfriend and I have spent the last year watching seasons 3-12 of Big Brother US. I've already seen four or five of those seasons before, but had forgotten enough to still make them interesting. The only reason we haven't watched season 2 is because I know who won (but I suspect we'll still watch it now out of desperation) and 1 because they probably hadn't honed the game properly then. I think it was more like the UK version then.
Big Brother USA is almost completely different to the UK version. The only similarities really are the cameras, the eviction, and the diary room. BBUSA is a billed as a three month long power struggle, and it is HARDCORE. The public doesn't vote, the housemates do, and people you like get evicted the first week, while evil scumbags walk off with the half a million dollars. They mention the money every five minutes, they lie, betray best friends, scream at each other, are freely racist/ offensive without getting thrown out, smash shit up without getting thrown out, and generally just behave like animals. It's brilliant! I don't know how they hold their heads up when they get out of the house, they are mental cases.
Each week there is a fight for Head of Household (HOH) and the tasks are epic, like scenes from Hollywood films (well, some of them). I HATE the tasks in UK Big Brother but in Big Brother USA the contestants life in the house depends on the tasks, so they really matter. It's about as close to enjoying sport as I'll ever get. They have endurance tasks where they hang people off a hook/ spin them round/ put them in a box/ soak them with water all night and just see who lasts the longest. That sort of thing really sorts the people who want it from the people who don't (unless someone tries to 'cut a deal' with you to guarantee your safety and then goes back on their word! I've seen that shit happened enough times).
The HOH nominates two people each week, but and then 6 of the housemates play another competition 'Power of Veto'. If someone on the block (ie. up for eviction) wins the veto, the HOH has to nominate another person. Now you might just think the most annoying/ hated person goes each week like in ours, but quite the opposite. The friendlier, funnier and fitter you are, the more likely you are to get the boot as no one wants to compete against you at the end. So they vote out everyone strong, fit and, well, good, and at the end the seven housemates who got evicted last sit in a jury house, and decide who should win out of the final two. It's normally two people they can't fucking stand because they've all been stabbed in the back by them. And then they have to award them 500,000 dollars (and the runner up gets 50,000). Haha!
You also don't really get to vote with your own free will, there's always a 'sheep vote' where the HOH basically decides who should be evicted and bullies everyone else into voting the same way. Occasionally some serious scheming goes on behind backs, and the HOH gets a nasty surprise. Always good. However once you have a big enough 'alliance' ie. people on your side, you can basically control the votes each week, so some series' a really crappy bunch of people will evict everyone decent, or anyone who stands out or doesn't fall into line, so sometimes it's really frustrating as some really rubbish characters outstay their welcome just because they've got the numbers. But then other years, everything falls into place, and you actually get a fairytale ending.
There have been so many amazing moments over the series, Marcellas's fatal error, Janelle's run as the best female player ever, Kaysar's handsome uselessness, Howie's childish boorishness, Evil Dick and Danielle (a father and daughter who hadn't spoken in three years reuinited in the house- literally explosive viewing), the amazing dastardliness of Dan, the reign of the Nerd Herd, Brendan and Rachel's hilarious romance, Enzo's meow meow, and so many more I can't even remember. So many characters and arguments and genuine twists, not the bullshit you get on our BB (which is still magical viewing in its own way). People sell their own mother to win that show, and it's brilliant to watch. They also only have 3 episodes a week, and they cut it to fuck, so it runs like an amazing soap or drama, with no boring bits. Another really clever thing they do is they hold the HOH competition right after the eviction, so you're always set up for another week, and things can go completely from one side to another from week to week. Everything hinges on the tasks. It literally can turn on a dime, as they are fond of saying.
The host, Julie Chen (Chenbot), is like a stiff newreader type, which is completely at odds with the rest of the show, but you grow to love her a bit. She's there, year after year in an array of 'interesting' outfits.
We have happily watched four episodes in a day, and now we've run out (well, until S13 starts in July) I don't know what we'll do with ourselves.
If you've never watched any and you fancy it, start from season 2 or 3 so you don't ruin who the later winners are, and you've got a year's worth of entertainment ahead. You can even watch 'em all on Youtube. If you like reality, this is the ultimate reality show, there's no question.
Who goes? We don't decide. They do!

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Eurovision Song Contest 2011

Why do we do it to ourselves? I don't have the answer. It's just a habit at this point, I think.
I started watching this an hour late (so I can forwards through the slow bits) and already my boyfriend is seething. One year we watched it in a Yarmouth hotel after we went to see Morrissey. That was the night we turned into dust, but that's another story.
Who are these jokers hosting? Simon Pegg is obviously one on them. Not sure what was going on at the start there- and not sure I want to know. No Dana International? Folly. I didn't watch the semi-finals because if I had I wouldn't have made it this far.
Why can people start voting before we've heard a single song?! I don't believe the re-jig of the rules will save Blue. I want Jedward to win, anyway.
FINLAND: Jeff Brazier with a guitar singing a folk song about saving the planet. Boyfriend: 'he looks as bored as I am.' It's JUST STARTED. I've heard a lot worse.
BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA: I might have spelt that wrong, the writing is too small to see from here. Fuck, how to describe this? They're all done up like Rupert the Bear. Luckily boyfriend has gone toilet. Exceptionally tuneless.
DENMARK: Rocking the Jedward hair. Graham Norton says this one is good. I'll be the judge of that. I think the leather trousers are a bit excessive. They're more McFly than These lyrics are a bit Placeboish. But shit. That catwalk off the stage is cool. I bet Jedward will be making the most of that. Boyfriend just perked up.
Boyfriend: 'I used to like Blue but they're all animals now.' He's upset about the weeing on the cashpoint drama. Oh and Lee Ryan's general conduct. But how could anyone have 'used to like Blue'?
LITHUANIA: Dated, dated, dated. Fairy off a Christmas tree doing sign language. Dire.
HUNGARY: Light up jewellery? That sounds alright. Oh yes, blingy ring. She looks like an old drag queen. The tune is quite catchy but she's a bit out of tune.
IRELAND: Jedward! Thisis like all Louis Walsh's wet dreams come true (apologies for that image). Have you ever read an interview with Jedward? They're not all there, are they? I think they're autistic or something. Nice outfits! The brothers grime- lol. The song is quite good. I still love them. They've given me many giggles over the past year or two. Plus Jedward sound more in tune than Blue did when I saw them on OKTV. Just went to the kitchen and was singing Jedward's song. Catchy times!
SWEDEN: Some stellar opening lyrics there. He looks like a Manga kid and there's some blokes writhing in boxes. He will be popular, apparently. We'll see. It is quite catchy. Ooh he smashed some glass. Cool.
ESTONIA: Manic dolly woman in cardboard city. Boyfriend has named them 'the crab-eyed peas.'
GREECE: (C)rap. Sex, guns, fucking in the street. What a mess. Rap opera? There's a reason why that's not an actual genre. G(6)4. (That's a joke but you have to think about it).
RUSSIA: Flue! Nice hair. Their dancing is more out of time than Jedward. Don't put my mind in a dirty zone, you pervert. This is rubbish.
To be fair, though, this has been the best Eurovision I've seen in a few years. There's been less dirgy ones.
FRANCE: He has hair like a a 90s boyband member. My boyfriend just piped up 'Christian Fail.' I like his little soldier jacket. I could see him in a Bon Jovi video. This makes me want some ice-cream.
ITALY: A jazzy pastiche? Those aren't two words I want to hear together. Peter Barlow off the wagon on a piano. Italy, if this is what you come back with after 40 years, you need to fuck off for 50.
SWITZERLAND: dated old bint in sparkly dress singing cod reggae. If that's Graham Norton's idea of gorgeous it's no wonder he's gay.
UNITED KINGDOM: Blue, blue, blue, blue as they chant on Deal or No Deal. I've literally never been more excited to see Blue. Mugshots! Drops of pain hit the ground. Quite. My boyfriend was proper ROLFing at Lee Ryan's bits. It sounded like someone was letting the air out of him. I laughed ten times harder at Blue than Jedward. That can't be right. G-g-g-g-get back up again. I can't wait to see them get trounced (there's national pride for you).
MOLDOVA: Gnomes on a unicycle. Who could ask for more? A tune. Unavailable, apparently. Ugh it's like gnome ska. Horrendous. I liked the bit where he put a monocle in at the end. Nice touch.
GERMANY: Feral Cole. Oh no, it's more like Foss Stone. Pretty vacant.
ROMANIA: Sleazy. This is more like old skool rubbish Eurovision. Cheesy bloke on piano. Bad hair. Tartan. Saxaphones.
AUSTRIA: What's Graham saying about her hair, I like it. The song is gash, though.
AZERBAIJAN: Old style eurovision schlock. Male/female, white suits, wind machine.
I think Graham has been better this year too. He was on the wrong side of scathing previously, whereas he's been more cheeky and funny this year.
SLOVENIA: Power ballad! Thigh high boots. Over-the-top warbling. the standard is definitely dropping as the show goes on.
ICELAND: Is Jeff Brazier back again? Waistcoats. Fat people. Superhans is on the piano. Make it end.
SPAIN: too perky by far.
Please let Jedward beat Blue. Please let Jedward beat blue. Please let Jedward beat blue. I want to see Lee Ryan smash something. Hopefully Duncan.
UKRAINE: You may be wondering why my boyfriend has stopped moaning. It's because he's been off cooking dinner. Ooh, I like the sand art. And her little wings. Very Brandon Flowers. I like her outfit. All these gimmicks are detracting from a shitty song.
SERBIA: 60s tripe. She looks like a cross between Jade Goody and Duffy. Ok I'm getting fed up now. It took a while, though.
GEORGIA: An emo Jennifer Love Hewitt. That dress is vile.
That's it. So Jedward should get a few votes from the UK, right?
12 points to the UK from Bulgaria! Nice one. My national pride just came rushing back.
Aw Jedward aint doing do good. We're a respectable fifth so far. I haven't seen us do this well in years.
OK I just had my dinner and no one has given us any points for about 20 minutes. I'm glad the UK voted for Jedward. Jedward are in third! They've got almost double the Uk's points.
Some of these people reading the points are quite 'quirky'. that woman going 'what do you think?' and this Slovenia tool singing. Just give us the scores and fuck off.
Jesus, we're only halfway through the scores. Mental. I can't believe Azerbaijan are doing so well. They were fucking useless.
Ireland only gave us 6. Arseholes. Glad Jedward beat Blue. Can't wait to see Blue justifying that in interviews.
So Azerbaijan won. That was the worst song of the night. AND BT vision cut off my recording before the last vote. THANKS. Lucky the UK didn't win, hey. I would have missed the celebrations!
Back to bisexual, wife-shouting-at, I'm-a-Celebrity, wee-drenched-cash-points for Blue. And for Jedward? World domination! The night starts here.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

The Apprentice: Is that victory I taste? (no, it's arseholery)

Why am I watching this shit two days in a row? It's not Misfits or BBUSA. App task! Ooh, it's a futuristic Apprentice.
Loving the app jokes. What a bunch of tools. Orlando Bloom is team leader today. Edna for the girls. I reckon Edna's gonna kick arse. I wouldn't fuck with her- I saw the way she was eyeing Melody yesterday.
Some guy barking 'traffic light' as an idea for an app. Fab. OMG they're going with a regional slang app. WTF. Who would bother downloading it? They should do a devilishly addictive game.
I feel sorry for Suzie, even though she couldn't get her point out, she seems a lot more normal than everyone else.
The girls decided on an irritating noise app. They could just make an app of their voices. Done.
I hate Melody's 'I don't have a view on it'. Get off the fence, you robot! Aren't you a human being? Can't you empathise with someone?
So, the boy's app is basically racist, or like the Worms computer game with all the fun parts taken out of it.
Luckily for them, the girl's app is just as bad.
This guy with the glasses on is a humourless prick, yo.
LOL to Edna giving herself the presentation to do. There's your rope - go hang yourself.
Melody: 'it is what it is.' HOW PROFOUND. I've never heard anyone say that before! Amazing.
Ok, so the boys app is a bit better looking. But they are both terrible. And the boys presentation blows.
Why is it called 'slangatang'? I get the slang but not the tang.
The girl's app is actually embarrassing. I hope they're not charging for it.
Ha, they've been called out on being racist, now. Yet they're going on like that meeting went really well. It didn't.
Ha! Look at Edna working the Madonna mic. Check out the leather gloves. She's going down this week. DAHN!
The boys presentation was cheeky and good. And they employed bribes. Good move.
No ways, I can't believe the girls won with that shit app. I love all the boys readjusting their ties. One of them looked like he wanted to nut someone.
Nooooo! Don't boot out Orlando. Get rid of that dude who did the duff presentation.
Oh, maybe it is still the same cafe after all.
I like inventor dude. He's cute. I heart geeks. I like Bloom changing his mind about who to bring back in the boardroom. Good arguing by the guy who wrote the text there!
Don't bin Bloom!
I know about creating content for a global audience. Regional accents; notsomuch.
Leon is too nice to be a boss. I think they've pruned this boardroom part a bit, which is good. It used to drag on way too long.
I'm glad he fired that Alex guy, he wasn't interesting. Bloom rides again. Now, please don't tell me this shit is on tomorrow, too.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

The Apprentice: (Not) America's next top Mogul

It cannot POSSIBLY be a year since this was on last. I was in this flat, so how can it be? Is he doing two a year like Tyra and her top models? Sugarlumps and Tyra should do a job swap one week, I'd pay to see Alan doing his smise.
That 'sky's the limit' quote would have probably worked better if it hadn't looked like she'd been reading it off a card. Also that quote doesn't make sense; 'the sky's the limit' is a good thing, only an insufferable upstart would criticise that expression.
Ugh here were go again, another procession of idiots. It just feels too samey every time. I like things that stay the same most of the time but not this. This needs sexing up.
Oh, something's changed, now they start up a business rather than get a job in the Atari factory. Yeah, I know it's not Atari. Ataris were good.
Oh Karren (her spelling mistake) has actually brushed her hair for once. Well done.
I like the inventor guy's expressive eyebrows. He aint gonna last five minutes. I actually agree that a limp handshake is unforgivable. You gotta fake it to make it!
So the task is they've got to set up their own business.
Team names. Galvinised. Platinum. They're way better than Venture, which they went for. That girl with the two-tone eyeshadow is going to be a pain in the arse, you can tell. The way she talks is grating. Ah, she's volunteered to be project manager. Madness. The boys called themselves Logic. Tragic is closer to the mark.
Orlando Bloom seems to be on the boy's team. No Pirates of the Caribbean five on the table? Surely that format hasn't outstayed it's welcome!
I like the suggestion 'let's make soup, they might not buy it again but at least they won't be sick.' Set the bar high!
At the fruit stall: 'Is that an orange?' 'I dunno.' Come on, even I'm not that thick.
Uh oh, the boys team leader is a complete div. 'Roll with the punches, go like the clappers... you're fired.'
I like Glenn standing up to the team leader doofus, Edward. Edward is going home. He's got cliches in place of a personality.
Not in the least bit surprised the girls won, especially with robobitch in charge.
Hold on, that aint the greasy spoon they normally go to. Boo.
Doofus is bringing Orlando back to the boardroom. Noooooo! No matter, doofus will be the one leaving.
Edward: 'not only am I the youngest in the group, I am also the shortest.' Eh?! What next, he didn't have a decent breakfast?! His mummy didn't cuddle him enough when he was a baby?
LOLZ Alan is still saying resooomay! Has no one told him yet? Come on, lackeys. Karren? I dare you.
And so. Two beautiful girls stand in front of me. But I only have one photograph in my hand. The person who's name I call will remain in the competition. The person who's name I don't call must go immediately back to their room, pack their belongings and go home.
Bye bye Edward. Roll with that punch, you ninny.

Monday, 9 May 2011

There's something about Josie

Big Brother recap! John James and Josie have split up. He had his crab eyes on something skinnier. They're now rowing on Twitter. Hardly Romeo and Juliet, is it? I'm only surprised they didn't stay together longer for the money/ tv show.
Josie actually gets right on my nerves these days. Her whole shtick seems 100% contrived, just like that relationship was.
I hate it when people tell me something is 'every girl's dream'. It's not MY dream to have my hair and make up done and go in OK magazine with a misogynistic prick by my side, thanks very much.
Ugh, their flat is so grim. It looks like a council block. Overlooking the Thames? No thanks. I'd rather overlook a scrapyard.
Oh, John James. What a strange little man he is. Vain, yet incredibly insecure. Not a good combination.
Oh god, they had a 'love contract' to change three things about each other. No wonder their relationship went down the dumper. When you love someone you don't want to change things about them. You just love all of them. Their relationship makes the Kerry Katona/ Mark Croft union look like it had potential.
I hate Josie's 'I'm stupid' act, too, like that's something to be proud of. It isn't. Go read a book.
Wow, that was an exciting segment, with Josie picking a venue for a partyzzzzzzzzzzz. Uh, JJ! That cunt should do the right thing and disappear into obscurity just like Stuart and Dale (Stale!) and his ilk before him. Probably the dullest Big Brother contestant since Imogen Thomas.
I wonder why John doesn't like socialising with people (because he's a prick and will probably say somethign stupid).
The thing that strikes me most is what a sad, empty life they are living (all three of them). It just seems completely nothingy. Just clinging to the wreckage of z-list fame.
OMG that club where John James and JJ are DJing looks like HELL ON EARTH.
UGH get JJ off my screen! USELESS. The worst kind of Big Brother contestant, allegedly 'good looking' but devoid of personality. Channel 5, take note, we don't need any of these this series. At least John James was complex. No, really, he was!
Josie is braver than I modelling that fancy dress on TV.
LOL to John James saying how much Josie's present cost (£800). How very romantic (I mean, crass). I bet it still wasn't as much as those bloody decks.
It's so OBVIOUS that JJ HATES Josie and would never talk to anyone like her 'in real life' or in any other circumstances other than her letting him take the piss out of her by staying in their flat. I HATE HIM. HATE!
It's like John James is just playing at having a relationship. I think Josie would make a fun girlfriend for someone like her; sociable, carefree, boozy, outgoing. John James is not any of those things. Some blokes would find her really sexy, too. If they weren't gay, that is.
I actually thought she looked quite good in the white dress! Ugh, Sam Pepper. And Andrew! Remember him? No?
Josie looks like she's having such a good time at that party. I admire someone who throws themselves into a party to that extent, I'm too reserved to have that much fun.
I like the fact John James is just completely ignoring her obnoxious behaviour! It sucks when you're trying to enjoy yourself and you've got some miserable boyfriend on your back; I've been there.
LOL John in bed with JJ AGAIN. This is beginning to look like a habit. Fuck me, she looks worse for wear!
Is this show a series? How will they sustain interest once crab eyes goes back to Oz? The truth is, Josie's just not that interesting. Also, have you noticed how these reality people (Kerry, Jordan, Josie) never actually have any mates in their show? It's sad, really.
I'm STILL surprised he walked rather than be on TV. Because it was ALL about the fame for John James. Don't ever forget that.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

The Voice

American Idol is dead. The X Factor USA has eaten itself up in hype before it's even begun. The UK X Factor is a deserted ship. Bring on The Voice. With judges Ceelo Green (maybe I'm crazy?), Christiana 'candy floss hair' Aguelira, some country dude (Blake somebody) and Adam Levine (I forget what band he's in, but it's one of those shit ones like The Feeling.) How is it different from American Idol? Well, they sit in giant red thrones facing the opposite way so they just judge on 'the voice'. When they hear someone they like, they press a button and their chairs spin round so they can see the acts. I wish this worked the opposite way on Britain's Got Talent.
There's no preliminary audition stage so I'm not sure how these people got picked. But now the judges have to pick 8 each to be on their team. What happens after that? I haven't got a clue. I like it so far, though, it seems fresh compared to that knackers yard that Simon Cowell fucked off from. Oh and if more than one judge wants to pick a contestant, the contestants get to choose between the judges, which is quite amusing, and gives the power back to the contestants, which is a nice twist. It's got a feelgood factor about it; it seems a much more collaborative process.
There's a generic Fryan Seacrest type in charge (ever thought of having a woman host something? Thought not).
I like Ceelo Green for some reason, he's like something out of Austin Powers. Christina looks skinnier than of late, and I admire the lack of moisture in her hair, it looks like it could snap off or catch fire at any second. I actually quite like Christina when she's not singing and overdoing it like an old drag queen after too many sherries.
Oh no, sob story! That's one thing they could have done without stealing for this show. Sob stories are so over.
Oh, someone's doing Nirvana- edgy! *Kurt turns in grave/Courtney sues*
Adam and Christina are arguing! That's what I really miss on Idol now, it's so sickly sweet I can't stand it. It makes me long for a bit of Louis Walsh's BS. Can you imagine? It's good natured sparring though, I like it.
I liked the audition where they didn't show us what the contestant looked like but showed us his parents who were white and then the bloke was black with an enormous afro. Cheeky!
I'm interested to see where this show goes. Pretty good. Simon Cowell should be switching off his bathtime cartoons and taking notice.