Tuesday, 10 May 2011

The Apprentice: (Not) America's next top Mogul

It cannot POSSIBLY be a year since this was on last. I was in this flat, so how can it be? Is he doing two a year like Tyra and her top models? Sugarlumps and Tyra should do a job swap one week, I'd pay to see Alan doing his smise.
That 'sky's the limit' quote would have probably worked better if it hadn't looked like she'd been reading it off a card. Also that quote doesn't make sense; 'the sky's the limit' is a good thing, only an insufferable upstart would criticise that expression.
Ugh here were go again, another procession of idiots. It just feels too samey every time. I like things that stay the same most of the time but not this. This needs sexing up.
Oh, something's changed, now they start up a business rather than get a job in the Atari factory. Yeah, I know it's not Atari. Ataris were good.
Oh Karren (her spelling mistake) has actually brushed her hair for once. Well done.
I like the inventor guy's expressive eyebrows. He aint gonna last five minutes. I actually agree that a limp handshake is unforgivable. You gotta fake it to make it!
So the task is they've got to set up their own business.
Team names. Galvinised. Platinum. They're way better than Venture, which they went for. That girl with the two-tone eyeshadow is going to be a pain in the arse, you can tell. The way she talks is grating. Ah, she's volunteered to be project manager. Madness. The boys called themselves Logic. Tragic is closer to the mark.
Orlando Bloom seems to be on the boy's team. No Pirates of the Caribbean five on the table? Surely that format hasn't outstayed it's welcome!
I like the suggestion 'let's make soup, they might not buy it again but at least they won't be sick.' Set the bar high!
At the fruit stall: 'Is that an orange?' 'I dunno.' Come on, even I'm not that thick.
Uh oh, the boys team leader is a complete div. 'Roll with the punches, go like the clappers... you're fired.'
I like Glenn standing up to the team leader doofus, Edward. Edward is going home. He's got cliches in place of a personality.
Not in the least bit surprised the girls won, especially with robobitch in charge.
Hold on, that aint the greasy spoon they normally go to. Boo.
Doofus is bringing Orlando back to the boardroom. Noooooo! No matter, doofus will be the one leaving.
Edward: 'not only am I the youngest in the group, I am also the shortest.' Eh?! What next, he didn't have a decent breakfast?! His mummy didn't cuddle him enough when he was a baby?
LOLZ Alan is still saying resooomay! Has no one told him yet? Come on, lackeys. Karren? I dare you.
And so. Two beautiful girls stand in front of me. But I only have one photograph in my hand. The person who's name I call will remain in the competition. The person who's name I don't call must go immediately back to their room, pack their belongings and go home.
Bye bye Edward. Roll with that punch, you ninny.


Ossian said...

If I could have got a remortgage and bet it on that Edward getting fired it would have been safe. Do they have a condition, sort of jury selection, where nobody who has ever seen the show before is allowed to enter? Because if they've seen it before and they still play the roles of the mouthy, treacherous, etc they must be even thicker than they look. I mean the two team leaders in this case. And anyone who waffles about how great they are - all those are doomed, happily. It's a strange sort of coliseum where they fight with gibberish instead of swords.

But the handshake thing: I hate business people (I could put a full stop after that) who try to crush my hand when they shake hands. It's almost impossible to resist the urge to knee them in the groin, fuckers. There is a happy medium and I don't mean Dipsy Mavis.

Chris Stokes said...

I missed this, and will tomorrow's. Went to school with Melody (http://chrisstokes.blogspot.com/2011/05/apprentice.html) and imagine she'll be coming across really annoying. Is that the case?

lightupvirginmary said...

Chris, she's coming off the worst of the girls! She's very 'salesy' and was talking about knowing the Dalai Lama! I don't think she smiled once. I'd love it if someone I knew was in it, or any reality show actually. I'm sure it would be hilarious! Like Ossian says, she won't get too far I think, not with that attitude.

Handshakes: yeah girls dont do a death grip one. That must be a male posturing thing.

LillianZahra said...

I can't beleive it's back on already...I kind of like how the format hasn't changed at all despite the end prize being different.
And Ossian has a point there - surely they've all watched the program before and should know what doesn't work?!

DTW said...

I think Alan says "ruzyoomay", actually.