Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Placebo live at Brixton Academy - 20 years

Brian and Bowie
Disclaimer: much of this blog is about my personal life and idiosyncrasies as much as the gig. 
I think I've only gone to see a band on my own three times, and each time has been really great. No one to worry about, just get to the front and have your one on one time with the object of your musical desires.
Going to see Placebo on my own was a bit of a weird one, though. You know when a band is so entwined into your relationship that every song is your song and then that relationship ends horribly and you have to try and rebuild your relationship with the band because you don't know how to rebuild the relationship with that other person and a relationship with a band is easier to manage. That.
I have a really weak bladder so employed my strict 'no fluids after 4pm rule'. I took Smint, Fruitella and a packet of Randoms instead of a drink. Randoms are actually pretty good, even the foam ones. I need to invest in a large bag of those. The only sweet I would have also liked was orange Tic-Tacs. They are great for gigs. Top tip there for you.
So the queue was massive but as usual it's full of short girls (hello, me) so not too bad, except the woman in front of me with what looked like a dead Labrador on her head. So I got into the venue and went straight to the barrier. Left seems to be my preferred side. The first layer of the barrier was taken but there was a gap just the row behind where you can still position yourself so you're standing on the metal and you're quite immovable. However, the young Grotbags tapped me on the shoulder and said her friend was standing there but would be back in a minute. Those two things are not like the other! I went 'Er OK' with no intention of moving for the next four hours. The friend comes back from the toilet and I hear Grotbags Junior go 'I tried'. Barely. Toilet girl then taps me on the shoulder and asks me to move. Now help me out here, but do people have the right to guard invisible spaces for their friends? The answer is 'fuck no.' I went 'how can it be your spot if I'm standing in it?' Which I feel was a good point. There was much whining and complaining. I said 'I'm in here on my own and didn't go to the toilet.' i.e. I planned ahead, bitches. They continued to moan and groan and my final word on the matter was 'are we still talking about this?' God I miss arguing with strangers since I stopped driving. Thank god for the internet. 
I'm only small anyway so it's easy to see over me. Plus if you're guarding the barrier, stand on the barrier, dummy. Never cared. Later, drunk men come lolloping in, punching women in the face a foot from me. Worry about that shit, not an imagined turf war with me. 
The support band were called like The Musty Hoops or something (yeah it wasn't that) and were a bit proggy. They had something about them (I'd fuck all three of them if it was the Apocalypse or something - sorry to objectify skinny young men but welllllllll) but they were no Silversun Pickups (a previous Placebo support band I'd seen and enjoyed.) 
So I'm just going to do this review from memory and not look up any facts from it. Placebo are celebrating 20 years (woo) although that does give them the excuse to play the song Twenty Years (as if they needed one) which I despise. There was a video package first with a video for Every You, Every Me I'd never seen before where Brian is mooching about the ladies loos. It was REALLY good! Have they dug that out from somewhere? I'm sure that's not the real video. Unfortunately that was all the Every You, Every Me we were going to get tonight, sad face. 
So they opened with Pure Morning, which I was sure Brian had stopped singing because he said the lyrics were crap. Did I dream that? I feel like that was a thing at one point. Great song, though. Second song was Loud Like Love, which was brilliant! His voice sounded good. It was only after that when he stopped and told us that he had a bad throat: 'I woke up sounding like the guy from The National then lost my voice two weeks ago' that I noticed his bad throat. He said he was going to have to sing some of the songs a bit differently, which was not good news. Brian is a one for reimagining (code for 'ruining') songs at the best of times. But he said it was going to make the night special. And in a way, it did, because him not being able to hit the high notes, made me appreciate all the times he DOES. Which I just took for granted before as he is so fucking good live. I cannot tell you the amount of days I have spent watching Placebo gigs on YouTube. He just always delivers. Even tonight he delivered as much as could, while sick, which is more than you get from Morrissey, ha. 
Brian also asked people to help him sing along (no problem) and to put away phones as they distract him (good call).
This pic would be better without security guy's head
Did I mention Brian's hair? It's an interesting look he's going for at the moment - sort of a Friar Tuck vibe. I wish he'd shave it off, he looked so good in the Meds video. I was also struck by how little he was tonight! Weird because I've seen him a few times. I do like my popstars diminutive: see also Conor Oberst. Another thing I noticed was he changes guitar after every single song! Talking of guitars, how cool is Stefan? I just love their relationship. 
So the next song (and I will forget some) was Jesus' Son which I really like but he had to sing it one key down so it was really hard to sing along to. I noticed his voice was properly shot then and was wondering if he would change the set list accordingly and sing loads of dirgy ones. Sure enough (not in this order) we got Twenty Years, Soulmates Never Die (that was actually good), Special Needs (not too bad) and the dreary Devil in the Details (no). Too Many Friends should have been amazing but he just couldn't get up there - that song is ALL about the high notes. The music sounded great and I felt for him and I love that song so much. I'm glad he didn't cancel the gig because there was still a great atmosphere and it was good fun. For me it was very emotional. Exit Wounds in particular was painful because that is from my relationship break up album and lyrically that song is very apropos so I just got transported back a year and a half and it fucking hurt. There's no getting over some songs, even if they helped you at the time.
The best songs Brian sang were ones without too many high notes (which is a shame as my favourite thing about him is when his mouth flips in two like a muppet and you can see all his fillings). There were glimpses of high notes but not many and it was sad because I know how brilliant they would have been and I had a great view where I was (haha).
A lovely surprise for me though was I Know, which I looooooove, and they did a really good section where they played Protect Me From What I Want (although I do prefer Protege Moi cos it's sexier and the lyrics feel less stupid in French), For What It's Worth (go no butter!) which his vocals sounded good on and Without You I'm Nothing, where Brian was forced to sing the David Bowie part because it's deeper. Pictures of David Bowie were on the screen behind him and I cried, but it was nothing to do with Bowie. 
They tried with the big hits: Special K and Slave to the Wage sort of worked with a lot of audience participation, The Bitter End held up reasonably (thank God for all that guitar) and Infra Red struggled but is always a joy. The crowd seemed mega into it and supportive the whole way though. The saddest part was no Every Me, Every yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu because you can't go 'yooooooooooouuuuuu' when you have a bad throat. But that's my favourite. So that was really disappointing. But I just don't see how he could have done it because he just couldn't hit the notes. You could see him struggling. He still put on a fantastic show and the band were really great. The light show and graphics always look brilliant at Placebo gigs (take note Morrissey). Oh and he also sang Nancy Boy for the encore but the tune/ vocals was all over the shop (but then that long deviated from the original version anyway). I still love 'eyeholes in a paper bag' though. Magic.
Should Brian have cancelled the gig? The crowd seemed to love it from where I was (in that girl's spot!). I personally needed to see Brian and I don't regret going. I know on my next YouTube Placebo gig binge, it will make me appreciate those high notes and fillings all the more. I realise now how important his voice is, and the aspects of it I appreciate, and how it's something that helps me get by. 
So as we left the bar very handily put cups of water on the side, which was much appreciated, so here's the shout out for the water. Fruitella can only get one so far in life.
I'm not sure this review even was a review or relevant to anyone else, but I felt like I needed to document it somehow, so here it is. Now I really need to go to bed. PS: My feet hurt. Night!

Thursday, 24 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Bitch, you're lying

Vote Chad!
It's the penultimate episode! Ex housemates hikacking the house = ran out of ideas again.
Karthik is on the mic doing more of his c-raps. Chad making him say 'titty sprinkles'! Chad has some amusing turns of phrase.
Sam is flirting with Jemma in the shower. She's getting her arse out for airtime but has her hand over her vagina, so that's decorum, at least.
God, Marissa has a sexy voice. She's putting Barry in Ian Terry from BBUS's old dog suit (they obviously picked that up at the yearly conference).
Sam is wanking off about getting to speak to Jordan again. 'I want to hold you... I'm wearing your old boxers.' Um... ick? Their enthusiasm for each other is annoying. Glad they got split up, but wish we'd kept Jordan instead of Sam and his broom of doom (and I don't mean Jemma).
Sam and Amelia's staged date. Not exactly Surly the fish with Ed and Jade from BBAU, is it? He never did play those cards, did he?  Probably still got them in his back pocket as we speak.
I disagree with this task on the principle that Amelia has feelings for Sam and him and Jordan are making a dick out of her. Mean.
Sam: 'She felt the prick in my ear.' That's no way to talk about Jordan. Did dummy Amelia really not know he was on a task until she saw the earpiece?
Why is Jordan allowed to counsel Sam in the DR? Is this part of the task?! Dumb. Kind of funny in a way that Amelia was mocking Chad and Sarah but at least they get off with each other and appear to have some sort of drink-laced feelings, or at least attraction. Sam doesn't even want to touch Amelia. I realise I've just felt three different ways about Amelia in three paragraphs, which is quite a feat considering how dull she is.
Uh oh, Chad is getting in trouble for making eggs and mince. Chad loves to eat. 'Goddamn these people are fucked in the head.' Weeellll. Amelia: 'You can't say people are fucked in the head, that's really mean.' He can if it's true.
Jemma is being psychotic. Chad is not allowed to snack! He only wants a tiny lunch. Hope he's not mincemeat by the end of this episode.
Jemma saying he's 'a selfish little prick with a little prick, we all seen it in your Taco outfit.' We all seen - I mean, saw - it in bed the other night when Sarah was rubbing it, too. Aw, poor Chad and his little Johnson.
Brandi is now shitstirring over the airwaves. Calling Derek out for saying bad things about Jemma. Derek said he said it in the first week. Brandi: 'Bitch, you're lying.' He said it in the Vault!
Brandi going 'no conferring, it's cheating' to Sarah, haha. Chad going 'you're playing your American reality TV card' again, haha. Brandi: 'I'm pushing buttons, I'm pushing yours right now.'
Brandi is being brutal! I like it. I don't agree with what she's saying to Jemma, though. Jemma can be friends with Sam. They're not that flirty. I think they're fine. It's weird when Sam says they're 'basically the same person.' I bet his parents don't agree.
Amelia coming into the convo: 'Is it about me?' No it isn't. PS: You look gormless. Barry: 'They're just shooting the breeze.'
Woo, Dangerous Danan is back. He's making them point and laugh at people they think will be evicted next. Is this the new face to face nominations?
Chad to Jemma: 'Everything about you is shitty, your aura is shitty. If you were a Spice girl, you'd be shitty Spice.' This went down very well on Twitter. Jemma actually looked a bit hurt.
I really wouldn't kiss Jemma or Sarah just because Paul told me to. Desperate!
Oh all the other housemates have come back in now. It's not exactly Raph and Chanelle reunited, is it? Karthik to Chad: 'They can't show anything you haven't said or done.' Ha!
Paul: 'It's one of the best Big Brothers' ever.' What year did he start watching? Halfway through 2017?
Sarah: 'We've not done the deed.' Paul: 'It didn't look like just a kiss. In the toilets it looked like you were banging.'
Sarah: 'I swear down. We've obviously had a grope.' So Sarah remembers rubbing Chad's dick! I guess it was for airtime after all, then. She can't really complain then, can she?
Amelia is getting relationship advice from Paul Danan. End of days. He's discussing Sam's indiscretions on Made in Chelsea, haha. Harsh! Paul was watching it at 2.30 in the morning. Sniff!
Marissa is bagging out Jordan! Why! Look at Marissa's caged boobs with her nipples showing! She's sexy! Did she go out with Calum Best that night? If so, grim. Jordan pretending he's not slept with anyone outside the house, ha. RIP to Jordan and Marissa's magazine deal. That's 20K down the swanny.
Brandi is telling Amelia what's what with Sam. Brandi: 'He even jokes about it... about how all in you are.' Amelia: 'That's a prick move.'
Why is Amelia wearing a kimono? Ken Barlow? Now she's crying and saying she's not desperate. This is great for her game! A bit of sympathy!
Amelia: 'You've made my experience in here.' Sam: 'You've made half of mine... you, Jordan, a bit Gemma, and Paul.' Let me just fetch my calculator, because that doesn't quite add up.
Amelia: 'I think you've just met me at the wrong time.' Um. Sam: 'I think that's a very good way to end it.' Dodged a bullet there, didn't he? JOKES. Prick.
Jordan and Sam, no one gives a fuck about your friendship! Get lost. Why are the ex housemates doing stirring speeches! Stupid. Get out! We evicted you. Meet you outside the Holiday Inn!
Backdoor eviction time! Barry got the boot. Someone ruined it on Twitter about 15 minutes ago. Should have known people couldn't keep their mouths fucking shut. I'm not bothered about Barry going, but he deserves it more than Derek, Amelia or Sam. I'm still baffled how Derek has lasted this long.
Imagine if Chad or Sarah had gone out like that with no interview?! Not even any handcuffs ala Jamie O Hara! No Emma coming into the house! What a dud. It's so half arsed. Did they run out of budget? Spent it all on the marble laminate in the Vault? So do we have to sit through a Barry interview tomorrow now, when there's still six people left in the house? I hope it's gonna be a long show or they're gonna have to evict these motherfuckers in threes.
Oh well, hopefully Sam will be coming out sixth now. My dream order to go out would be Sam, Amelia, Derek, Sarah, Jemma, Chad. So wait for that to not happen!
I'm busy tomoz so won't be blogging but we'll be podding on Saturday (our most recent one is here) and going through all the last few days of horror and the no doubt outrageous outcome. I just wanna see Chad beat Sarah. And Jemma beat Sarah. And Sarah's face. But I do think Sarah deserves to be in the top three. She's done a lot in there and has been very entertaining. I keep reading it's a dud year, but I've enjoyed it with no Geordie Shore idiots ruining my experience.
Enjoy the final! See you on the other side. 

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Kitchen sunk

Vinnie Jones
James C
A double eviction! Ooh, who will it be? As it all ends on Friday, the drama isn't that exciting. There's still life in this old dog but they're putting it down too soon! 
Who goes, you decide? Shouldn't that be 'who stays, you decide'?
Hope Chad doesn't go, but Americans haven't fared well so far. Up for eviction is Chad, Helen, Jemma, Sam, Sarah and Sandi. I hope Sarah, Chad and Jemma stay. The others are deadweight. 
There's not really the cameraderie of Rose Cottage and Thorn Cottage this season, is there?
Jemma wants a role in Helen's sitcom. Two things that are never going to happen.
Sarah wants to travel and have a family. Perhaps stop smoking and drinking non-stop first.
Chad on their fictional daughter: 'We shall name her Megatron. Or Laquesha.' Why is he not running in the other direction? Chad is a masochist, I believe. Who would put up with that?
Who spray tanned Sam? I just switch off when he's on screen. He 'looks like a racoon'. He looks like a buffoon. Oh it was Jemma, ha.
Sarah is quizzing Chad on his relationship history. His longest relationship is one year. His shortest will probably be this one with Sarah.
Sarah and Chad are off with a bottle of red. Jemma: 'she's off with her second boyfriend' haha.
Jemma: 'The alcohol stealers.' Derek: 'I had a little drop. They're holding onto it.' Shut up, Derek, you drip. They offered you a glass. Then Jemma goes and swipes it, ha. Jemma is just constantly on the look out for a row. Now Paul Danan has gone, she's lost.
Jemma to Chad: 'You're secluding yourself as people don't want to sit with you. Go sit in the bedroom.' He can sit where he wants. I don't get why everyone is so grumpy with their relationship! Let them be.
Big Brother is playing Girls Aloud to get Sarah out of bed. Her dancing with a broom, well, it's not much different to Cheryl, is it? Positive Sarah airtime just before the vote closes, nice one, BB.
Derek's getting in the pool in his speedos, phwoar! Lol.
God, what is Barry and Helen's problem with Sarah and Chad? I'd rather watch Sarah and Chad's mental relationship than Helen and Barry moaning about it. They're even grumbling about Derek going in the hot tub with them. Moaning about Derek's speedo airtime! He's not even up for eviction, you boring old bags, leave him alone.
OMG the crowd chanting 'get Sarah out'. She's going to melt! Why cheer Sam and Sandi! They're useless. Sarah is being entertaining! Although, what is she wearing?
OMG, it was Sandi and Helen evicted! They both look so shocked to go! They are so smug! I love it when the cheers don't reflect the votes. And they get the old Janice Battersby and Mario Falcone treatment! Two by two, the ultimate indignity! And the others acting like it's not real. It's real! Sandi: 'Keep the kitchen clean!' It's not your kitchen, so bye!
Sandi and Helen both thought they were a cut above and annoyed the hell out of me, so I think it's great the entertainment has been kept in.
Sandi saying she was shocked to go, how vain! I guess Helen didn't sell her wares well enough at the trade fair.Then admits she's dull. How is the sitcom going to get made at this rate?
Sandi going on about the kitchen... no one cares! Saves us sitting through two boring interviews, I guess. I'm surprised so many people on Twitter are upset Sandi went. What did she actually do except Vinnie Jones up the kitchen? She did nothing! Helen did less than nothing. Byeeeeeee.
Helen can't even remember Sandi's name. Says it all.
Haha Chad livening up Helen's best bits: 'Helen's awesome but I probably wouldn't date her.' Lol. 
They both got paid thousands to be in there and weren't entertaining. Say what you like about Sarah: she's carried the show. Her, Chad and Jemma deserve to be in the final.
PS: Check out our latest podcast, it's had over a thousand listens (fuck knows why). Oh, I think it was because I forgot to put it on iTunes for half a day. But still. That's a shitload of listens. Thank you so much if one of them was you, although you've now given me stage fright for the next one!
Chad to win!

Sunday, 20 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: No Netflix and no chill

Oh, wow
Oh my God, guys, yesterday's Big Brother was too good! After the idiot general public voted out Brandi and Paul Danan in one night, I lost faith in you. I lost faith in us as a society, as I saw Barry and Helen circling the garden, complaining about the only people providing any entertainment.
But then we had Chad and Sarah announcing they were ON. And while I'm not a fan of showmances, I am a fan of people acting like drunken fucking messes and making dicks of themselves. Their drunken row was magic, from the singing, to the egg eating, to the 'miss you' and 'fuck off'. Boy, is Chad in over his head. And Sarah is making SUCH a fool of herself. Mentioning marriage? With Mr Flirty Pants off the Bachelorette? She's not so much drunk as in-fucking-sane.
Seeing the truth slowly dawning on Chad's face was just delicious too, but I think as long as he's getting his belt unbuckled in the bathroom, he's down (literally). It's a shame there's only a week left and it's a shame we only have one villian left as I think there's at least another two week's worth of drama to go. Barry, Helen and Derek need taking to the glue factory. Boring bastards. Helen going it's not 'the time and place to be funny' in the house. You're getting a platform every night for a month! If that's not the time, when is the time! Fail! Casting fail. Personality fail. Get out.
Anyway, onto tonight's show. Barry: 'Eating doesn't bother me.' Liar! Barry doesn't look like one of these 'too busy to eat' people. He's not a 'square of chocolate' man.
Sarah to Chad: 'Are you still in a strop?' Chad: 'I don't know what that means.' Haha.
Sarah is mental. That dog dressing gown needs BURNING. I'll burn it with her in it if needs be. Sarah hugging Chad and saying she's the bigger person. She is a piece of WORK.
Chad in the DR: 'I wasn't going to eat the meat, she's acting like a fortune teller.' He doesn't have trust with Sarah. They only started going out yesterday and he doesn't trust her already! He's not going to eat for a couple of days (except some random eggs in the storeroom, no doubt). He doesn't want to eat too much butter and potatoes that Sandi makes.
Why is Sandi stirring about Chad! Shut up. Sandi gets on my nerves now. I didn't like the way she was with Brandi either.
Sarah is accusing CHAD of sulking. Sarah is a one woman sulk.Sarah makes Cheryl Cole look friendly.
Sam to Amelia: 'You're a ray of sunlight on a rainy day.' You're a twat ruining my programme.
Big Brother has called housemates to The Vault. That used to be a crap nightclub I went to in Northampton. I can still smell the dry ice and poppers now.
So they are just nominating, so what's all the palaver about? They have to put their two noms in the safety deposit boxes. Why? Why not just the normal DR noms? They have spent about 100 times more on The Vault than the Diary Room chair, that's for sure.
Amelia nominated Chad for eating and Sarah for shouting at her. Derek nominated Jemma for saying disgusting words, haha. At least she doesn't defraud grieving people.  And Sarah for drinking alcohol. Women hater. 'She can't help it, poor love.' Snake. Sorry, ssssssnake.
Chad nommed Sandi cos of foods and Jemma for causing rows.
Helen nominated Sam (woo!) for putting the horses head in her bed. She's disappointed in him. I'm disappointed in her as a housemate. She also nommed Sarah for being a different person 'in the evening' (ie. when she's shitfaced).
Sam nominated 'The Harding' for lying that she and Chad were just friends and 'The Chad' for needind to smell Sarah. Mmm. What must she smell of? Fags and rum, I reckon.
Sarah basically saying that Sarah should nominate Sandi to make him happy, what a sneak! She didn't rise to it, though.
Sarah nominated Helen (good!) for not cleaning and Jemma for causing friction. So she didn't do what Chad wanted, haha.
Jemma nominated Sarah for saying horrible things and being unstable (like herself) and Chad. Aw, Chad is my favourite.
Barry nommed Sarah cos she has her partner in there! She has her NEW partner in there anyway. Don't be bitter, glitter, Barry. And Chad for the same reason. What is Barry's problem with the showmances? Does he not love love? He's only in there for another week! Chill the fuck out.
Sandi nommed Chad for late night eating and Sarah for moaning about everything. 'She's happy go lucky but she's not taking full advantage of it.' How can you be happy go lucky and moaning all the time?
Helen is feeling lonely. Well, you know where the door is. I have no sympathy for her. You're getting paid well to do a month in there. It's not a particularly volatile house. You're not in there with Bear. Shut up.
The oldies are talking about pop socks and petticoats, FFS. The highlights feel thin tonight. It's a shame as last night was so good.
Jemma is asking Sam to choose between his ex and Amelia. I don't know who his ex is but I don't care about Amelia, so whatever. She is saying she likes him in the DR. Honestly, I couldn't care less.
Sam admits he still likes his ex to Jemma. The only thing Sam likes is the sound of his own voice.
Ok, they are showing them the noms now. The little doors are opening in The Vault. At least they are showing them how many nominations they got each. Jemma got three, Chad got five and Sarah got seven.
Lol, all housemates who got one nomination are up, haha. What a fix. I fucking love it. Get someone (boring) out. So up is Chad, Helen, Jemma, Sandi, Sarah and Sam. Helen makes James C look exciting. Derek and Barry are just as bad.
Chad is going a bit Karthik saying to Sarah: 'Go put on a dress'. Ha. Sarah: 'It's what's inside that counts.' You're fucked on that front, too, then. Chad: 'Go put on a shiny dress.'
Amelia to Sam: 'When did you realise you first liked me?' I don't think he does, mate.
Sarah has realised everyone nominated her, even Derek. 'It's a witchhunt, I feel so deceived.' I liked it when she said she assumed Chad didn't nominate her. Give them another two weeks in there, and I think he would!
Sam is 'scared of underpromising and overdelivering.' Has he worked in a call centre? More shades of Karthik!
Time for Sarah and Chad to 'Netflix and chill' with no Netflix and definitely no chill. More like Prosecco and regret.
Night camera sexy time! Chad: 'This is hard.' No doubt. 'Can you feel that there? Yes that there.' What there? 
How can you get it on with Derek snoring like that? Not sexy! Hardly a conducive ambience. And why the eye masks? Kink?
The worst part was Sarah rubbing his cock NOT EVEN under the covers. Even Steven Goode did 'open it' with his robot wife undercover. It just looks seedy, and I am NOT in the habit of slutshaming. He should have known better, too. And the way they cut to the others snoring and sleeping is just the anti sexy, haha. Still, I am enjoying watching the utter car crash of it all. They're the only two in there doing anything, and if anything means rubbing cock while wearing eyemasks, I guess that's what we'll have to deal with!
Hopefully podcast tomorrow! Fingers crossed. Thanks for reading. 

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Hunting for witches (and snakes)

Out here drinking allllll the tea
Apologies to anyone who listened to our last podcast, I was dying on air. Thanks to Gaz for holding things together. I'm still not feeling great, but I seem to be blogging the evictions at least!
Wow, if you did a drinking game for every time someone says SNAKES on Big Brothers' worldwide, you'd be Gazza right now. Snakes everywhere! Sorry, sssssssnakes everywhere! But where's the sound effect, BBUK? You need to have a word with Julie Chen and the guys at CBS.
Brandi is getting annoyed with Sandi. I think I am as well. I don't think the pairing of Jemma and Brandi is particularly pleasant but at least it's entertaining. Everyone else is being fake nice or putting on an act or some bullshit. God, it's such a unlikeable house than when you slag off one person on Twitter, people end up presuming you like Paul Danan or something. I mean, come on. All the fencesitters in the middle are driving me mad, and everyone else is a cunt. It's slim pickings! Who is there to root for... Barry?
Paul getting Sandi to tell Jemma to leave him alone, what a fucking baby.
Jemma: 'Paul wants to stir his little pot and stroke his pet rat.' I think Paul wants to smoke a little pot, that's for sure. Where's the pet rat at? Oh, his top knot, most likely. Paul's the oldest hipster on record.
'The housemates are playing a game of celebrity spin the bottle.' How is that different from regular spin the bottle? Oh it has a bit of glitter on it.
Sam and Barry re-enacting his death scene... well he said he wanted to when he went in. Or was that Jordan? I get the two over-excitable muppets confused.
Sarah doesn't want to snog everyone in the house... just Jemma and Chad. Sarah didn't look that annoyed when Chad snogged Jemma, it was no Nikki Grahame watching Pete and Aisleyne kiss. Jemma 'You're basically Chad's bird.' Jemma stomping off and kicking something because Sarah wouldn't kiss Sam for a dare? Why?!
Jemma: 'You've got a boyfriend and you're fucking kissing Chad anyway.' That much is true.
Sarah has had enough. She's been tested to her limits. I don't know why she's even angry. She's having a go at Sam and Jordan for some reason. She's a total nutcase. At least Jemma owns being a lunatic. Sarah pretends she's actually decent when she's the dodgiest one in there, in more ways than one. Trying to redeem your image by getting shitfaced and snogging someone who isn't your boyfriend isn't exactly what your agent would suggest, I'd imagine.
Jemma: 'Get the fuck off me' to Jordan, haha. Sarah: 'You need to stop drinking' to Jemma. So do you. Sarah is pissy cos she snogged Chad, end of story. 'Enough is enough!' Yes, enough with you pretending to be Miss Innocent. OWN YOUR SHIT.
Oh, Sam is saying Sarah's annoyed cos Jemma snogged Chad during spin the bottle. That makes sense.
Sarah in the DR: 'I've got my own stuff to deal with, I don't need it thrown in my face on TV. What started off as fun, ends up in a tragic fucking war and I'm in the firing line every time.' Cos you're the root of it all, you psychotic bitch! God, she's driving me up the wall. You're making me feel sorry for Cheryl racist Cole at this point!
Big Brother has decided not to give the housemates anymore alcohol cos they're all alcoholics and mental and they're probably worried someone's gonna do a Kim Woodburn or a Deborah.
Jemma is dead right that Sarah plays the victim. Sarah to Sam: 'This is becoming a witchhunt.' Let's hold her under the water in the hot tub just to make sure. Haha, her calling Sam and Jordan warped. They haven't done anything! Sarah is a mental. End of story. I hope she watches this back and realises. Sarah: 'You guys have to change your tunes.' They're just two immature little dickbrains! You're ten years older and having a breakdown. You need to change your tune.
Jordan: 'You get too pissed every night.' Haha. Sarah nicking her fags back. 'I was out here drinking tea last night.' If you don't have a problem with drink, you don't have to point out the nights you didn't drink. Because you don't notice.
Jordan: 'None of us can drink now because of you. You're ruining everyone's night, every night.' Look at Jordan's too short trousers with his little red socks. Hard to take him seriously, really. And he has a bandage on his arm. Wanking?
What does Chad see in Sarah exactly? She's just awful. Even Amelia Lily has lost her shit. Amelia zero storyline Lily has lost her shit with Sarah.
Amelia: 'Well, we're not allowed anymore alcohol.' Sarah: 'GO AWAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!' Amelia: 'It's fucking disgusting being spoken to like that, talking to me like a piece of shit, fucking arsehole.' I think Amelia wanted another can of rum and coke.
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink (oh you can't, as they've had it confiscated cos Sarah is loopy). Then Chad snogs her in the loo trying to comfort her and she says 'let's get back in the friend zone.' I mean, he's in the wrong taking advantage of a drunk, crying mental case, but she is mixed messages galore. Their 'relationship' is fucked and a half. Chad looks genuinely bemused.
Looks cosy in that 'friend zone' in bed, doesn't it? Kissy kissy! Oh, they're just keeping warm, I'm sure.
Nice to see all the women getting booed and the men not, as usual. Eww.
Ooh, the two safe are... Helen and Gemma. OMG Sarah and Chad's FACES. It was like the anti Ika and Demetres crab eyes of joy when Neda was finally up on BBCAN. Amazing moment. Chad knows he's in for a night of moaning now, haha.
Sam and Jordan are no more! Cry me a river! Fuck off, fake reality twats. OMG the crowd are chanting get Sarah out. I can't believe it. They actually agree with me! Makes a bloody change!
It's a shame Jordan went over Sam, but let that be yet another message to BB that we don't want these scripted reality people in there. I mean, how did Helen get more votes than him?! I know she's more famous, but who is ringing in?
OMG at Jordan's embroidered jacket saying he was the winner. He's no Roger Federer, is he? Fail. The yellow socks and the yellow suit, too. Why!
Emma: 'I've never seen Ex on the Beach.' Burn.
Jordan: 'I thought going in there... everyone hates reality stars.' Weeeelll.
It's a shame for Jordan (not us) that he went in a way, as no one would have bothered nominating him if he hadn't been up due to that task. But I'm glad not to watch the bullshit bromance crap anymore.
I just realised I haven't been paying attention to this interview. Oh well. I did hear Emma say 'predictament' instead of 'predicament.'
Jordan saying Sarah is a nightmare and he hates her, haha. 'She's meant to be a role model, getting pissed, kicking off and hiding fags.' I hate Emma trying to turn it back on Jemma. He wasn't talking about Jemma! Jordan: 'This whole Chad thing is bullshit.' Yes!!! Emma can't deal when someone decides to speak the truth for once.
Ooh, just noticed Emma's outfit. Quite nice. Makes a change. That was fun! I'm enjoying the Sarah/ Chad/ Danan/ Jemma dynamic. It's an absolute car crash, but it sure does make good TV!

Friday, 11 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Two birds, eight pack, cock out

Blog fans! You'll be happy to know I can't podcast right now because I'm sick and have lost my voice! I can only make victim croaks. But I have a fab new laptop so I'm going to be blogging my little socks off. But first! Let me get a vodka. You can put vodka in Lemsip, right?
Emma has a repreating pattern on but I'm not sure if I like it yet.
It's the morning after the nightly Sarah vs Paul smackhead crackdown. Derek is worried Sarah is 'sitting in the negative corner' ie. the smoking area. Kartik is brushing his teeth IN THE GARDEN. This is a new low! Where is the sink? Is he going to spit it onto the astroturf? ANIMAL.
Trisha: 'If I have to stay in this house with Sarah I'm going to self evict.' I can see her point. Sarah's one woman pity party is tiring. Even Derek and Barry nommed her. I just wish they told them the totals. She would have gone nuclear. All these bitches on Twitter feeling sorry for her! Fuck that. That's what she wants! And no, that doesn't mean I'm on Paul's side. I'm on no side, as they are all uncivil as fuck. I've seen politer arguments outside Wetherspoons.
Trisha: 'I know some vampires.' Jemma: 'So they kill people?' Trisha: 'You have to go on the dark web to find out about them.' Well they wouldn't be on the light web, would they?
Helen can't be bothered to talk in sentences anymore. I know the feeling.
Jordan telling Chad he did well to stick up for Sarah. Narcissists stick together.
I liked Jemma at first but she's constantly bitching. She moans about Sarah being negative but she's just as bad.
Trisha could do with some Dove Summer Glow. I'm a similar colour to her and it just makes you look less translucent. It's not tan, just a body lotion. I recommend it to pasty people.
Chad is 'just going to not wear pants today'. I like Chad best when he's just chatting to Trisha.
Sandi has to do a task where she has to be the best at everything ie. one upping everyone and winning Tina Turner songs in return.
Sarah bragging about her massage skills, her 'strong thumbs' and then singing her past hits with Sandi. She's quite tragic at times.
Trisha saying she wants to be boring so she gets evicted. I just voted for her! Wish I hadn't now. Zzz. Sandi is trying to make her twerk. What is it with Big Brother and twerking. They are more obsessed with it than cats ears.
Sandi now has to make Barry do something but I wasn't paying attention. I can't be fucked to rewind. Doesn't seem worth it.
Karthik has never met anyone like Trisha who just orders in food and makes her living off YouTube.
What happened with Chad and Amelia? Now he's after Sarah but he's playing the long game, ha. 'If I go home tomorrow it won't happen.' Is he storylining to stay in?!
Trisha's underboob looks sore.
Sarah and Paul are making up AGAIN. Sarah is blaming Jemma for everything. Eek, Paul Danan's top knot. Yucksville.
I just saw the bottom of Emma's dress. Fuck NO.
We're about to hear 'highly offensive language that is not for the faint hearted'. Ooh. Let's see if my heart can take it. Pass the smelling salts.
Sam said 'Trisha looks like she's permanently about to have a download.' What does that mean? Did I mishear?
Then Brandi said to Sam 'you're such a little a cunty whore'?. He sure is.
Chad has 'fashioned himself some new hooves.'
Why is Brandi apologising to Sam so hard? Who cares? He IS a little cunty fame whore and a nipple flicking twat. He wouldn't even still be there if Jemma had complained about him, as she should have done. I think Sam is dragging the idiot Jordan down, and that's saying something.
Tina Turner disco! Derek's dancing is good. Not really. Looks like he's about to take off. Are there too many oldies in the house? I think one or two in their fifties is fine, and people in their thirties are good, but Barry, Derek, Karthik, Shaun, Helen... it feels a bit top heavy. I'm not ageist, I love old man Jerry and Kim Woodburn. I just don't want to hear a bunch of oldies moaning about their arthritis. We have Christmas in BB19 for that.
Paul on Chad: 'Two birds, eight pack, cock out.'
Why is Trisha jealous about Chad smoking with Sarah? He smoked three cigarettes straight, haha. Trisha sounds mental. She's got Chad on lockdown.
Trisha calling Chad a fake. Jemma's ONLY storyline is hating on Sarah. I like Sarah's dress today. Is Amelia still on the show? Now her fake love triangle has died I haven't seen her.
The rose cat ears are next level grim. BURN THEM, BIG BROTHER.
Jemma could start an argument in an empty room. I still don't know what about. Oh, cos someone said 'are you still going on about it?' Was it Paul? It's not worth rewinding is it. This episode is just not worth rewinding on any level.
Jemma is bitching to Derek. Perhaps he can put her in a more positive seating area. Calling Paul 'a fucking little rat', haha. I actually feel sorry for Derek having to deal with these neurotic bitches (that includes Paul).
What is the drunk mess Jemma wearing? A wonky vest, bra and some weird jogging bottoms. Paul: 'Don't threaten me, you're not a bloke.' Ha. Jemma: 'You're a little snakey rat.' *cue snake sound effect* Paul: 'Don't step up to me like that, you aint no gangster.'
Jemma: 'Take your silly little shades off.' Haha. There's no prison sentence long enough for Jemma and Paul's collective fashion crimes.
Paul: 'All this rat shit? If someone steps up to me like that they'd be on their fucking arse.' Rat shit? Rachet more like.
Those were actually entertaining highlights for an eviction episode, the last part, anyway.
Safe are Sarah and Chad! They didn't even hear it at first. Was nice when they hugged although I do think he's playing up the showmance because he knows she's popular. So it's out of Karthik and Trisha to go. Ooh! I wonder who will go? God, Sam is such a knob.
Not another American woman out, please! Ooh it was Karthik. Oh well. No loss. I haven't found him entertaining or interesting but Trisha needs to do something now.
Karthik's probably happy to be out of the mad house. Are there going to be more adverts now? What a joke.
Karthik doing 'just got off the boat' jokes. I think his heart is in the right place, he just seems a bit of an odd duck. But apparently he was good on The Apprentice but I don't watch it anymore.
I heard that Sarah has a boyfriend actually! Interesting. She does seem quite chummy with Chad now. Does HE know she's got a boyfriend?
Karthik doesn't know if he's going to be a celebrity or going back to being an IT guy. Let me see.
We never even got to wax his monobrow. I don't mind his turquoise jeans, though.
WTF Big Brother is on at half ten tomorrow because of the football but is showing on 5* at 9? WEIRD. I wouldn't be surprised if they just stuck it all on 5* like they did with BOTS the other night. I missed BOTS that night! Dumb. They don't give a fuck.
The pod will be back when my voice is back! Love ya.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I don't know what the public wanted from me

No caption required
So I'm back, baby, for the first eviction. I hope it's not Marissa! She does't deserve to be up. Or Trisha, but that goes without saying. I also hope it's not Karthik for obvious reasons, although I don't like him as a person generally (just dropped my lady card there), I felt for him as a human trying to reason with an erratic, racist, ranting and orange Paul Danan.
I have been enjoying the series on the whole so far EXCEPT Jordan and Sam's pathetic friendship AND the Chad/ Amelia and Sam 'love triangle.' I have been entertained by Sarah Harding's meltdowns and the racist and sexist bits because it's real world stuff, not fake reality BS. That's the Big Brother I enjoy.
Emma looks a bit 'end of pier Elvis' tonight, not great following last week's vavavoom. 
Karthik and Chad both getting heavy boos.
Have you noticed Sarah has a fake posh DR voice like when you're on the phone at work?
I'm not sure what Danan is even moaning about when he says Sarah took it too far. Sarah: 'I have eyes in the back of my head and one beady eye on Paul.' Is that one from the back of your head or one of your front two? Eww, Sarah's cats pee on things. That's unusual cat behaviour. Cats don't normally do that unless they're old or ill. Get Jackson Galaxy in.
Jordan is bitching because Marissa said she openly wanted a showmance with him. His fake principles make me lol. He wanted a 'real casual kiss.' What even is that? A kiss is just a kiss, Jordan! Then: 'My nan always said why stick to one book when you have a library?' Is your nan a goer, Jordan? Paul: 'she was never going to move to Wales' before perving on Marissa's 'box splits' (eww).
Ha, they just played the first clip again because they're dumbos. I'm surprised Emma could style it out so well without her cue cards.
I really want to get on board with Karthik but he's annoying as fuck. Marissa's accent is amazing! I feel like they just put a different chip in her. 'These people aren't going to be your friends.' I believe it when she says it, unlike when Josie said it. 'Sometimes you have to flex to get respect.'
Paul went down to Compton 'why do you think' and pretended he had a gun in his pocket. 'I mean, Iove NWA and all that.' Tsk, white people!
Derek is asking Sarah about 'the Irish one' from Girls Aloud. Sarah: 'Yeah we FaceTime.' At least SHE'S not in the house. That accent only works on Jamie Dornan. Sarah, just say they're a bunch of cunts and none of them speak to you anymore, we don't care. In fact, we'd like you more.
Jemma is bitter (not glitter) because Sarah once had a career but now she's just like them, with a month free in the summer.
Oh I remembered why Paul is upset now, cos she said about him being an addict. Does Paul Danan still drink, or is he still drunk from back in the day?
Sandi is getting so little airtime! Ooh, Sandi is saying Sarah is 'drinking and behaving in a certain manner.' How long before they show this on the screens.
Sarah: 'I'm trying to change people's perceptions of me.' Paul: 'Then don't drink then.' If Paul Danan is telling you this, listen. Paul: 'You wouldn't drink on a job.' Maybe she would. Sarah drinks 'in moderation'. She obviously needs it to cope. Paul: 'You're going to get that mash up..' Mash up, ha. 90s talk! Paul is worried that he made a fool of himself on Love Island. You're making a fool of yourself now, fucknut. Paul: 'I see myself in you.' Maybe he is trying to help her, in his own way? I'm not sure, but I think he might be. Twitter says otherwise but if you're an alcoholic you CAN'T have one drink, that's the point. One leads to two, just ask George Galloway.
How can Paul be sober yet still sound so fucking drunk?! Telling Amelia to have a rebound relationship with Sam. Please don't.
Sam saying Marissa wore tighter clothes and cuddled up to Jordan to stave off eviction. Sam wouldn't mind her cuddling up to him, though.
Marissa 'just wants to vibe' with Jordan and be in the moment (and then in the magazine deal). Jordan: 'It sounded like you just might be using me.' I'm sure a lot of guys would love to be used by her, what is this idiot's problem? Did he want to marry all of the 1,500 girls he shagged? Was he 'just using' any of them? Tool.
Chad booed, Karthik booed, Marissa half and half, Sarah cheered (and emotional), Trisha booed. I like Trisha's glittering sea cape. Chic!
Safe are Trisha, Chad and Sarah! So it's either Karthik or Marissa to go. I hope it's not Karthik now, argh.
Karthik has his coat in his hand. I wish I'd voted for him now. Lol, someone in the crowd shouted 'get Paul out' and Paul went 'alright dude'.
Marissa got evicted! Trisha's face at that point was a picture, lol. In fact, I'll use that as my picture. Karthik 'what the hell?' Marissa: 'I fucking knew it.' Oh well, fuck that showmance. Let's have some more racism for me to get angry about, it's more interesting. At least the public voted the right way.
Marissa is dragging her feet. You're gonna get no interview at this rate. Ooh, Marissa ia grumpy. I actually voted to save her but then regretted it, haha.
Marissa looks stunning but is a bad loser, and I guess we're tired of showmances. Self proclaimed underdog. You weren't!
'I didn't know what the public wanted from me' and nor should you! You have no fanbase out here. Ooh, that is true, Barry put her up. I don't think she would have been up otherwise.
Emma mentioning the American version like she knows. She doesn't know these BB streets.
I like Emma's glittery eye make up. Marissa's lip is twitching like she wants to cry.
Hopefully this is a trend, that we'll get rid of the dull showmancers. I would love to see Sam get the boot next.
Marissa: 'Do you guys want something to happen?' about her and Jordan. Will you fuck him if we ask you to? Honestly, make up your own mind!
And then going 'should I have started arguments?' Argh! No! Just be normal.
Ooh this end bit with Jordan still carping about the magazine deal and it not being 'real'. You're riddled! Stop acting, you little bitch!
I do think it's a shame to lose Marissa, but it's a shame to lose most people at this point. The person we really don't want to lose? Paul Danan. Yep, you heard right. We need the madness.
Our latest CBB podcast is here for those who listen! BB19 coming tomorrow.

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Launch night and first night epicness

Early boot(ies)
Sorry I missed blogging launch night, but I was AT launch night! A bunch of podcasters and Twitter peeps got invited down for a house tour and to meet Rylan and watch the show live, and it was really nuts and fun and exciting. Rylan in particular was very, very cool and definitely a massive Big Brother fan. If you want to know more about how the day went, have a listen to this, as it talks you through the whole thing. Was so lush seeing the house and meeting other supergeeks like myself.
But because I was there I felt like I didn't really watch the show, which is mad because I watched it in person. So now I'm going to watch it again and see all the bits I missed and how it looks from another angle!
I have to say I'm feeling a bit Big Brothered out right now, so wish me luck, haha.
First let's make it clear, we did not go 'whoop whoop'! OMG look at those fireworks! From the drone! That's mad, we saw that hovering all about! It's mad seeing everything from a different angle.
Emma looked GORGEOUS last night and no, I'm not toeing the party line, she looked fucking ace, hair, dress, everything. The colour of her dress is beautiful. Her and Rylan are both so skinny!
Basically where we were stood was behind the friends and family, directly behind Emma. The lighting and staging etc looks really cool when you're there. Being in the house was TOTALLY surreal, especially because Rylan was in there. It was mental. I still feel like it was just a dream.
First in is Barry from Eastenders, aka Shaun Williamson. We'll be calling him Barry, I'm sure. It was a bit hard to see and hear the VTs from where we were plus there's loads of cheering and noise, so it's great to watch this properly now, ha. Was fun booing and cheering people! You don't really care whether you're booing or cheering, it's just making random noise to be honest, but that might just be because it's launch night and we're not invested in anyone yet.
It's mad when you see them come out though, because you realise they are just real people, not characters off the telly. I like Barry. He seems nice.
It's really FUCKING WEIRD seeing the house now I've been in there, like trippy weird. Because it didn't look like last week. It looked like a furniture showroom. The Diary Room is well duff though, looks like it's got my nan's old sofa in it. And the fields still?! Insane.
Next in is Sarah Harding, a singer from Girls Aloud. I always kind of liked her (except when she was in Corrie). Her face used to look a bit melted but she kind of looks OK again now. She used to be really gorgeous. I think she'll be a good character. Is she quoting Ronan Keating? I did NOT like her hair or outfit when she went in. Ooh, she's got her bra out. That scraped up hair looks icky. Her and Amelia Lily both had bad launch night hairdos. I think she's going to be good in the house, though.
Barry's task is annoying. I know his earpiece fucked up but it just looked such a dud on TV and there. Why do they do all these cringey first night twists?! Just let them mingle!
Next is some dick from posho scripted reality crap Made in Chelsea, Sam. 'It's the best job in the world.' Doing what?! Reading off cue cards? He came out to the new Killers song! He doesn't deserve The Killers! Knob! I was booing him. I am now officially the idiot general public. I was trying not to boo the women though. He looks like a cross between James Blunt and Chris Martin, which is the poshest mash up ever, with highlights. Lol, I did like it when he said 'we are definitely reinacting that Janine moment' to Barry. Sam's got a dry mouth *coke head*.
The fourth housemate is Derek Acorah. I used to watch Most Haunted quite a bit in an old relationship of mine and it was pretty stupid but fun at the time. I loved it when he used to abuse and assault Yvette Fielding and pretend it was a ghost doing it. Sam! His invisible friend (sorry, spiritual guardian). But there's already a Sam in the house. This is going to get confusing. He likes being booed cos he likes ghosts, right? Derek thinks there might be ghosts in the Big Brother house. Jade Goody? Derek is not going to use his secret powers in the house. Probably because the cameras would catch him wiggling stuff around in the dark (oo-er).
Barry then had to do some more stuff (hug Derek and pour water over himself) which he didn't do because he couldn't hear - convenient!
Next in is Marissa, a mob wife. She's a lot more attractive than the previous mob wife. Why is she wading round in water? She looks gorgeous, a bit Neve Campbell and someone else as well, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Her figure looks amazing. I hope she's going to be an absolute cunt.
Sandi from Gogglebox was in next. I thought it was going to be Sandra going in, not Sandy! I like them both, though. I can't believe that was her twerking on all fours in her VT, I love it. She's either going to be brilliant or annoying as fuck. She was MILKING the crowd reaction but why not.
Her entrance outfit was mad! The braids! The side boob! Also you can see me and Gaz in the audience during that bit, lol. I look like a right gorm.
You may know Chad from the Bachelorette. No, we don't know you. He's basically perfect. Ew, veiny arms. 'I can't have sex with all of you but I promise to keep trying.' Eww. STDs. Hopefully he'll be a good villian, cos he's deffo sexist. I like the fact he said 'I've seen a couple of clips online'. He's 100% going to be out of his depth then!
I don't like Helen Lederer. Annoying! It's like putting Sandi Toksvig in there, as far as I'm concerned. Yawn.
Next in is someone from The Apprentice with a monobrow. Karthik. I hope someone gives him a good waxing in the house. I don't know anything about this guy. He explained you say his name like 'carsick... go kart.' Ha.
Why has Sandi got hold of Derek's ear?! Maybe she's on a task, too.
Next up was Brandi, who looked like Jenna Jameson's mum. 'I'm best known for saying fuck a lot and drinking a lot of wine.' Fair enough. She said her husband married a 'cunt... ry music star.' Ha. Her husband left her for Leanne Rimes. 'I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution, rose all fucking day and go fuck yourself.' I can get behind that, tbh. She looked great IRL when she came out, very sexy in that outfit. I think she might be wearing Relentlessly Red lipstick from Mac that I was also wearing yesterday.
This Jordan idiot is Megan McKenna's ex. Absolute knob. All the superfans were annoyed about him going in because Ellie was in civillian. These Ibiza Weekender twats shouldn't be in civillian OR celebrity, in my opinion. Detritus. He seems high as a kite and looks like he's dressed for a wedding. He wants '15 girls in there and just me.' Haha, he says he's slept with 1,500 women. ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED. Kieran, you're slacking. His local VD clinic must be working overtime, what an absolute skank. Well, if he wasn't a total liar, that is.
Trisha has one billion views on YouTube. 'How to lick your own vagina.' Sounds good. She described herself as 'sexy, smart and slutty.' I would pretty much describe myself the same way. I like her! She's going to be a character. Why are they all sitting in a puddle? She's self proclaimed good TV. And her dress! OMG. She looks like a hippo in a tutu. I love it. This is infinitely better than Trisha Goddard going in. I cheered!
On her YouTube channel: 'I cry, I eat, I break down.' That sounds brilliant. Aw, she thinks we don't like her. I like her! Look at her boob buckles and her hair and her glittery eyeshadow and red listick. She's out of breath from just going down the stairs! Sandi looked agog.
Next up is Jemma Lucy, a tattoo model, whatever than is. She has a very puffy face and a tattooed face and neck. She's bisexual. 'Of course I'm going to be a good housemate, I've got tits, teeth and tantrums.' I like all these little mantras they have! I think she seems alright. I don't like those old curtains she was wearing though, and her hair looked gross. I'm glad she got cheered, though.
Amelia Lily is in next. I think she's a bit bland but she has a good voice. I used to like her pink hair. I definitely don't like people (especially women) proudly proclaiming they're thick. She's coming onto some hard house! I don't like her hair up AT ALL. Looks so mumsy. The tassles are not good either. Looks like she's been raiding Hannah and Deborah's wardrobes.
They saved the best for last, reality stalwart Paul Danan! Woooo! He's been on the CBB bucket list of me and my friend Dawn for about a decade since Celebrity Love Island. He is Bear-esque but he was doing Bear's schtick while Bear was still sucking lollipops.
But what the fuck was he wearing? His powder blue suit seems to have a skirt attached. And those shoes! Why is he so orange?
Paul: 'Are we allowed to mention Love Island?' Emma: 'The old version, yes.' Lol. OMG Paul's son is called Deniro Danan. Amazing.
So the last bit of Barry's awkward task happened next but I can't bear to watch it for a second time, it was so embarrassing. Also, even if it hadn't fucked up, stopping someone from going into the garden? Who cares! What are the stakes? Lazy as fuck as an idea. Terrible.
That was mad watching all that again. I think I'm mad for sitting through it twice anyway. Then again discussing it on the next pod. Argh! I am being eaten alive by Big Brother and I'm just going with it.
Ok, now we're onto tonight's show! Ooh the credits/ opening titles are very glitzy.
And they didn't over egg the recap from last night of everyone going in! Well done, Big Brother, treating us like we have a brain and can remember a day ago, encouraging. Just don't ask me to remember a week ago.
Barry passed his secret mission. God knows how, he was shit. Ooh! He didn't pass. He just won a killer nomination and not immunity. It's a bit unfair as he only met people five minutes ago.
Ooh, he nominated Marissa for making him nervous by saying 'don't get in my space.' Ha. She's going to kick his arse. Shaun/ Barry is in a grump. 'Thanks for nothing.' Marissa doesn't seem too bothered.
Amelia Lily loves Prosecco or as she calls it, 'lady fizz.' Chad thinks that sounds dirty. God knows what he's confusing that with.
I could see Barry and Sandi becoming good mates.
Sarah is talking about living in the country. Paul Danan is asking inappropriate questions already about her ex. He seems drunk out of his head. Paul: 'I know you had issues like I did.' She's magazine dealing already! Shameless.
Jordan is very hyper (ie. coked up). The sugar plum fairy is calling him extra and he thinks she means he's an extra in his show, haha.
Trisha: 'Are you an escort? Europeans have skin on their dick, right?' This is a good line of questioning. Imagine NOT having skin on your dick. Horrifying. Brandi is a Tom Jones fan. Jordan: 'I'm from Wales.' Trisha: 'Like Princess Diana.' Haha.
That astro turf feels so thick under your feet, it's mad when you're in there. Have I mentioned I've been in there, haha. I love Paul Danan already.
Marissa is using the words 'chopping block', ha. Very American.
Jordan: 'You've tooken it well.' You're thick as fuck.
Marissa is saying everything is OK to Barry. But is it? She seems annoyed still. I like her line: 'I'm not sensitive.' I like her, I hope she doesn't go.
Marissa is 32 but 'looks younger' according to her. I think she looks great. Sarah is bitching about her ex. Get over it! Shit happens. No one cares. Keep that to yourself.
Paul is not single. He's 'with the mother of his child.' That was weird phrasing. His girlfriend? Chad and Jordan are single and ready to mingle. Did someone just say 'slide into my DMs'? Dearie me.
This girl has tattoos ON HER FACE. Rotten. Sallie Axl! Her flirting with Chad is disgusting. I wonder if he goes for girls who look like Jeremy McConnell's neck double?
Chad saying he's 29 to Amelia Lily. 'I used to smoke and drink a lot.' A hell of a lot, you look 40, mate. 'My last partner was 21.' I think you're in there, Amelia.
Jemma can't fall in love with a girl. Trisha can lick pussy but can't 'get down with a girl.' Isn't that getting down with a girl? Gemma wants the girl to go home after sex. Are these two coming onto each other?
Jemma knows she'll end up with a man. Trisha is not so sure. Trisha used to be an escort, but then found Jesus. That's nice.
Helen doesn't want to share a bed with anyone. I wouldn't either.
Jordan and Sam are asking Jemma who she fancies. She doesn't fancy Chad because his vibe is too cocky.
Brandi on Chad: 'He's a boy man.' Haha.
Chad is chatting up every girl in the house. Total fanny rat.
I pressed the Diary Room button. But Paul Danan pressed the fire alarm. The button is at the bottom of the stairs, dummy! It is a bit of a stupid place to have it, right outside the door.
He's recounting the tale of him setting off the fire alarm as if he's just come back from war.
They are now claiming all the beds and asking Derek to tell them ghost stories, haha. God, Jordan and Sam are annoying already.
Paul doesn't want to be in the crazy room. Any room with him in is the crazy room. Paul wants to get some sleep. Try doing less cocaine.
Helen is storylining about the beds. Bedgate! Derek cannot sleep with a lady.
I love those kitchen chairs! I discussed them with Rylan. And I took a picture of the handwash. I'm not sure why.
Gemma actually seems OK, despite her poor life choices with those tattoos. She seems friendly and interested in people.
Karthik wants to talk to Derek about spirits tomorrow. Derek: 'I can't conjure them to me.' Isn't that what mediums do?
I love that pastel pink geometric duvet cover. Sam: 'If you get voted out first, you look like a prick.' Haha. Let's make his dream come true!
Paul doesn't know 'which girl to shoot for.' And 'They're all hot enough for me to date right now.' Chad: 'But not the old lady, even though she's awesome. And they all seem open to me.' Imagine if a girl was talking like that about the men in the house! If he's 29, I'm 5. He's probably the same age as Helen Lederer.
All in all, I'm happy with the housemates who went in. There's not too many reality TV slags (and I mean both men and women) and I think there's a few firecrackers in there.
Fuck me, I've been blogging for about three hours. I'm absolutely knackered. I'm off to eat some crisps. Listen to BB on Blast! Love, peace and harmony! I'm out!

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside

Loud motherfuckers unite
I thought I'd do one last blog before the final for those who care (and I know there are two or three of you still out there!)
Can you believe we're here now! I can't believe that there are FOUR people I like in the final week. Chanelle going was a shocker. Ellie going was a joy. So here we are.
I think Raph is getting a bit desperate to win this week, Isabelle is unphased, Kieran and Hannah are ready to leave, Deborah is still having fun and Tom... well, Tom improved in the attic. But that's like saying Tom's spelling has improved since he left school. Not a high bench mark.
Ooh tonight looks like fun! A wedding. And Chanelle! And Sukhvinder. Don't come for me, bitches.
Kieran and Deborah are getting married (for a task). But first they have to go on a first date. They are being waited on my some ginger dude in an ugly suit.
I think Deborah does the Nigerian accent when she gets nervous sometimes!
Hannah: 'Did Kieran bring you strawberries?' to Isabelle. 'No, he gave me an STI.' I'm glad that's been mentioned again!
Deborah has got more charm and personality in her elbows than Kieran could ever dream of. He is so INFERIOR to her. Angry little man. Hitting people with pillows, whining about his mattress, moaning about noise. Grumpy, vain little twat. Not even good looking. STD riddled! And he likes being peed on! Just no.
Hannah doesn't want Deborah to 'marry' Kieran. I don't blame her!
All this airtime for Kieran is making me twitch. I bet it's making Raph twitch too, ha.
Hannah looks very pretty as the bridesmaid. Kieran looks an absolute twat in that hat.
Ooh, Sukhvinder has come in for the wedding. Where's Imran! She looks great, too.
OMG! Calling Kieran a 'backseat finalist' and Tom a letdown as the people's housemate. 'You should have just owned it' to Andrew is correct about taking the cash. He should!
Rebecca calling Kieran 'her winner' then going 'you're losing this. People keep coming up to me because of how disloyal you are.' No, they don't. Unless it's your mum and your other clients/ rent boys.
Rebecca: 'Everyone thinks I'm in love with you.' I wonder why! 'It's so hard watching you.'
Keiran doesn't want to stand up for right and wrong. 'What happens if I'm wrong?' His game in a nutshell. Rebecca saying she banged Kieran two hours before they came in the house. Isabelle's face! I LOVE ISABELLE. But Rebecca's not in love with him, lol.
Rebecca calling Hannah selfish and immature. What a dog! Disgusting. Rebecca has been FUCKING LOTAN. How dare she say the public hates Hannah! Hannah: 'My mum loves me.' Rebecca is a gremlin! Straight up racist! 'You're completely out of the running.' Shut up! Jealous! 32 years old! LOL! Get out!
Kieran: 'You've got to take a bollocking on the chin.' You can if you like. I wouldn't.
Hannah is right, Rebecca does discriminate. 'What kind of stupid human being does she think she is?'
Kieran and Tom shitting their pants on the couch about Rebecca. Kieran thought that was 'tame.' It was not. He should have stuck up for his BB Fam.
Isabelle: 'I've got Rebecca's shoes on.' *hides feet* Remember the way Rebecca used to talk about Isabelle, too? Hannah: 'Look what the cat dragged in' about Rebecca, ha.
I can't believe Kieran has a topknot to the wedding. Eek! Tom's best man's speech was balls.
Chanelle has come in singing Florence and the Machine. Aw. How romantic...? Raph is crying.
I loved Chanelle telling Isabelle not to put herself down. 'Young girl's look up to you. You are a backbone to people in this house.' Aw. Hannah: 'That's how you do it.'
Haaaa Chanelle calling Andrew 'sly and snakey. You look like an oompa lumpa. I don't know what you've come dressed as today.' Lol.
Haha, Kieran and Deborah now have to break up and the others have to pick sides.
Deborah, Hannah, Raph and Andrew have won a party with really bad fucking music.
Ooh, Chanelle has come back in! Ooh, Imran! Sue! Rebecca (ugh). Raph and Imran hugging was the cutest.
Imran: 'The other clique didn't win. They lost their members.' Yes!
Andrew is looking for reassurance from Rebecca and Sue that he's not a snake. Rebecca saying Chanelle has an agenda! I have literally heard it all. Oh Sue, I have not missed you one bit.
Chanelle to Rebecca: 'Don't start with me bitch, biggest slag around!' to Rebecca. 'Fucking whore.' OMG.I actually love unfiltered Chanelle. And the look on Raph's face.
'Love, peace and harmony' kills any argument! Chanelle on Rebecca: 'Just because her ten minutes is nearly up, she's trying to get airtime.'
Rebecca saying about Chanelle having sex on TV. Andrew's 'Guess what, three fucking days, and hell's coming' had me laughing for all the wrong reasons.
Who's being called a hippo now? Ellie's already left! Oh it was 'hypocrites'.
Chanelle calling Rebecca 'fame hungry' and 'we'll talk outside.'
Rebecca: 'You want to call me a whore on camera.' 
Chanelle fronting her out: 'Yes, you are a whore. You shagged Lotan for a magazine interview. You should know better at your age than to act the way you do, baggy fanny, fuck off, mate. You're embarrassing.' How are we spelling embarrassing, Tom?
Chanelle did not FLINCH! Hannah dragging her away, haha.
Rebecca: 'That's the real Chanelle. You're such a fool, Raph.' Leave Raph alone!
Rebecca is a straight up, lairy strumpet.
Chanelle: 'Come to my hotel tonight, bitch, I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside, see if you're gobby then, silly slag. I can't see no hoes with my hate blockers on.' That's sunglasses to you and me. Class and a half. My heart soared, ha. You can threaten people once you've been in the house and been evicted! 'Move you silly cow, your expiry date is GONE!'
I like the fact Rebecca has gone yet Chanelle is still there. Haha, Sukvinder is now starting on Andrew. Isabelle just sits there, ha. How come she does it so much better than Kieran?
Chanelle is right about Andrew not fighting his own battles. Minions! But I don't really see how he's a snake. The snake noise doesn't even come on when he's on screen.
Raph doesn't want to end their time in a negative way.
Andre calling Chanelle a 'loud motherfucker.' Welllllll.
Andrew to Hannah: 'You and Raph can fuck off out my life.' Hannah pretending to cry. LOVE IT!
Andrew: 'Be prepared for fucking vocal truths.' Andrew is making me cry with laughter. What an absolute knob.
Andrew coming for Isabelle now! Saying she wouldn't sit next to him after he was called a snake! Don't come for Isabelle, you little wally.
Kieran: 'Don't be too over dramatic in the last few days' to Andrew. Well there is a happy medium between being Kieran (wallpaper) and being Andrew (town jester).
Andrew stop making things all about you!
God, I loved that episode. But the fact they had to drag in old housemates to liven things up speaks volumes.
I thought there was going to be a double eviction tonight! What happened?
So who to win? I wouldn't mind out or Raph, Hannah, Deborah or Isabelle. I don't think I've EVER had FOUR people I like in the final, which is weird as I hated EVERYONE except Raph and Arthur at first. The sisters didn't kick into gear until all the misogynistic men left. In my heart, I would love to see Isabelle take it. But I would also be so happy for Raph OR Deborah. So you know what this means. Your new winner is... Tom or Kieran. The vote is too split the other way! Argh.
Thank you so much if you've left me a comment on the blog, sorry if I haven't replied, I read
everything, I'm just super busy with work and the podcasts and it's a faff to sign into Blogger and then I forget. But I appreciate you, thank you for reading and sticking by me when I'm so sporadic.
For those not watching the excellent US Big Brother (BB19), I recommend it. Otherwise, I'll be in the CBB streets in a day or three. See you there.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Thick as fuck and desperate for fame'

Why, hello again! Back so soon? Oh God, it's the aftermath of Chanelle's £400 shag. Chanelle is still missing Raph, and Raph got drunk without her. They're in LOVE! Not like that. But they love each other and it's sweet. Who cares if he's a consultant! 
Jake: 'Your gran's gonna watch this.' Chanelle: 'It's my boyfriend so make it look romantic and cuddly.' It wasn't bad. It was just the moaning I could have lived without.
Jake is saying Charlotte is poisoning Andrew against Chanelle, which is true. Chanelle got the whole night to talk to her boyfriend and Charlotte only got five minutes with her mum, so who wins?!
Hannah on Sam: 'I just feel like he doesn't really stand for much.' I'll say. He stands for jack shit. Hannah: All they want to do is become reality stars.' To be fair, you are on Big Brother. Still, I guess no one watches it these days so you won't become a star.
Finally there's a hairdresser in the house, an increasingly orange Andrew, rather than Helen Wood doing her usual moody undercuts. The haircut he did for Ellie looks OK.
Chanelle has some bed hair going on. 'I feel like a proper dirty stop out.' She did get chicken, and a shag and breakfast in bed. Sounds great. Who could ask for more? A whole night of outside contact, too!
Chanelle prefers Raph to her boyfriend as he doesn't snore but she wants to get her end away at the weekend with Jake. I believe Raph and Chanelle's friendship will endure in the outside world.
Chanelle dishing the dirt to Isabelle and Raph about Charlotte trying to 'attack her character'. 
One of the boys has to agree to have a 'back, sack and crack' done. I already know who has it, as I saw it on BOTS, it's Andrew and it looked fucking HILARIOUS. I once tried to wax my own legs and the only thing I've waxed since are my eyebrows. It was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of getting your ARSEHOLE waxed. In fact; I thought that was just a made up thing, to be honest. But now I've seen it with my own eyes. Cannot unsee!
I half wish Tom had pressed the button first. I think I'd want my butt doing before my legs because legs are a large surface area! Men shouldn't have shaved legs. Well, not ones who want to sleep with me anyway (form an orderly queue, hairy guys).
Charlotte 'gets her fanny done every month.' I'm just imagining the grow back time in between now. One word: Nair.
Beautician: 'We'll get you up on all fours to do your bum crack.' The housemates are watching! Raph is actually walking away, haaa. What is his problem! I don't think he's in touch with the grooming side of the gay thing. You must suffer like women do, Raph, haven't you heard?
Tom: 'He looks like a roast chicken going in the oven.' That's the funniest thing he's ever said.
Kieran's face watching it all unfold was amazing, like a me watching childbirth. The noises Andrew was making were sublime. You gotta hand it to him; he went the extra mile there. I can't imagine people doing that in a private room, let alone on TV.
Raph is getting to meet a 'Big Brother legend.' Shame it's Josie. Helen Wood would be better, haha. Second Helen Wood mention of the blog. I'll try and get another one in before the end. 
Raph singing about combine harvesters to Josie, I love it. He's the cutest. He's such a fangirl.
Josie's advice is awful. 'These people aren't your friends.' THEY ARE! And telling him to do pranks. Fucking pranks! Let Raph be Raph, Awful advice. Should have got crab eyes in.
Chanelle saying 'I just went in the room for chicken.' Haha. 
Raph is reporting back what Josie said about Charlotte and Andrew and aligning the outside contact advice with Raph's. Chanelle: 'I don't feel so bad about how red Andrew's balls are now.' Ha.
Chanelle discussing having 'old married couple sex that didn't last long' on TV. Hardly seems worth it.
'Deborah and Kieran are talking about cats.' Finally. That's like when I find a fellow cat lover once I start a new job. That magical moment when you're in the company of people like you. Raph is teasing them about moving in together. I think if they were gonna get it on, they would have done it by now.
Chanelle's vagina is throbbing and she's not had a shower. Sounds like a recipe for thrush to me.
Sam and Ellie have been offered the chance to have sex in the boudoir. Well, it worked out well for Daley and Hazel didn't it. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing Ellie get throttled.
Chanelle: 'Make sure they've changed the sheets.' Ha. Why is BB so obsessed with seeing Sam and Ellie get it on? It's not sexy, it's not interesting, it's disgusting. It's not Love Island. Not one person on my timeline wants to see it and I think I'm pretty much following everyone left watching Big Brother at this point.
The housemates are banishing Raph and Keiran from each team. Not sure what that means. Oh, they can't take part anymore or win any money. I'm worried Charlotte will evict Chanelle as part of this task if she gets the chance. That could really happen! Imagine. Wallpaper evicting the star of the show. And don't get me wrong, Chanelle does get on my nerves at times. But she's genuinely funny and entertaining. Charlotte is neither.
Hannah is doing pranks now. Enough with the pranks, everyone! We're not 12 year old boys at boarding school.
Ellie to Sam: 'You are the six foot three funny guy I've never met before.' Six foot two showmance shit! They are pretending they're having their first date. Bit of a weird first date when you're explaining away your jealously and psychosis.
Ellie looks like she doesn't want to sleep with Sam. Big Brother is basically forcing her to.
Charlotte on Sam: 'When he first came in I thought he was thick as fuck and desperate for fame.' So, what's changed? Charlotte: 'Neither of them are too bright.' Nice thing to say about your BFF in the house! Charlotte: 'This task isn't going to end well.' True.
Sam is having an existential crisis in the boudoir because he likes Ellie. What's the problem?
Ooh they're either not having sex, or they didn't show it. Ellie's nana can come out from behind the sofa now.
PS: Big Brother is 17 today. Happy birthday. I still love you, baby. We don't all age well.
PPS: BBUK podcast and BBUS podcast, if you fancy 'em.

Monday, 17 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Vivid magazine dealing

I have picked up the old blogging boots again! Two weeks to go! It's gone slow/fast, hasn't it. How are they going to get rid of everyone? They always manage it, don't they?
VIVID VOMITING, guys. If that doesn't keep you tuned in, what will? It's normally us viewers vividly vomiting about Ellie and Sam's kissing.
Ooh, they are testing them about the money! This should be interesting. The Steal. Like share or SHAFT.
It's mad that Deborah sleeps with Charlotte in Rose Cottage. Shocks me! What about the Exiles? Still, I guess she does have one eye on the other alliance in there.
God, they love a button pushing task on Big Brothers' worldwide, don't they? Job lot of buzzers every year from China, sorted!
The gold team vs the black team! I can't be bothered to write down who is on which. Do you really care? Me neither. In three days time one team will be able to steal all of the money they accumulate, up to 20K.
I love how humpy they are about having to swap bedrooms (each team has to sleep together). Kieran in particular has shown more of an opinion about bed swapping than anything in the house ever. Even Lotan throwing a drink in a woman's face. He is taking his mattress into Thorn Cottage with him. Keiran would rather leave than sleep on someone else's mattress. Leave, then, and take your STDs and bouffy hair with you.
Raph is like a rat up a drainpipe to get the money. Basically you have to press a button anytime an alarm goes off.
Kieran: 'I give you one guess what's wrong' to Big Brother. Big Brother: 'Big Brother doesn't play guessing games.' No, Kieran, you can't sleep in the garden or the lounge (not sure why, think BB is just grinding his gears now). Kieran is risking money from his team's 'prize pot'. Like a pension pot, but probably worth more. I love the way Big Brother is speaking to him. Kieran scuttles off and does as he's told, ha.
I can't watch this task with them eating manky old eggs and vomiting. NOT TODAY. Not any day. I actually feel sick. It's going on FOREVER.
Tom won. But I saw a glimse of vomit coming out of Hannah's nose, so I think she should have won for that, really. Even the vomit GIFs on Twitter are too much for me.
Tom is on the black team. Tom is comparing himself to David and Goliath. 'Don't underestimate the little one.' He must be small if he's calling himself little. Pocket sized prick.
The teams are on 'buzzer watch'. Why are Thicky and Thicky on the same team? So we can still watch them slobber all over each other?
More button pressing! Raph vs Andrew, who blinks first! Andrew, no doubt. Raph did a Luke S with the button and left it too late, but so did Andrew, cos he's a copycat. Don't be too greedy!Mind you, it worked for Jason Burill. And Derrick Lavasseur.
It's interesting watching the housemates eating while button pushing. We don't get to see them eat that often. I'm surprised they can eat after all that egg vom.
Isabelle has been called to the DR and her sister is on the line. Answer the phone, Isabelle! £150 is nothing.
The phone is bronze. Isabelle is bronze. I love Isabelle's scream on the phone. Paris Hilton follows Isabelle on Twitter. Getting to the real gossip there. Paris Hilton is so irrelevant these days she could virtually be on CBB. If she wasn't so loaded. Aw, Isabelle misses her mum's spaghetti bolognese. Cute.
Hannah is missing her mum. Hope Andrew doesn't catch her crying! He'll be furious. Deborah: 'We've taught the world, love your family over everything.' Um, no you haven't. That's a big ask!
'Big Brother has a surprise for you.' Chanelle: 'What is it, chicken and chips?' £400 to spend the night with her boyfriend! Sounds cheap. Can they have chicken and chips with that? Chanelle: 'Oh my God, I've not shaved!' Ha. Is she planning to fuck him! It's basically a conjugal visit. I like the fact they're all shy with each other. I used to be like that sometimes if I hadn't see someone I liked for a while. Sometimes you need ten minutes to get used to them again.
Charlotte to Chanelle: 'Ride that dick!' She learnt that from Mandy.
Jake (Chanelle's boyfriend) is telling Chanelle he doesn't trust Charlotte or Andrew. Might as well just bring in her phone or the paper. He seems a bit boring for her, but who am I to judge true love when I'm just a mean old cat lady?
Isabelle and Sam are talking about life in the outside world and going out in Manchester. Ellie is listening in. Isabelle: 'It's better to go in pairs.' Haaaa.
Chanelle: 'I wish Raph was here' to her boyfriend. 'Have you followed any girls? Have you been on any nights out?' Him: 'No.' Is he locked up or something?! Is he not allowed out?
Ellie is in the DR moaning. 'Other girls make me feel like shit.' You make my favourite programme dogshit. You're absolutely insane.
Raph chugging wine! Hope he goes mental. Oh, he's missing Chanelle. Aw. She missed him too!
Can't they turn the lights down in Chanelle's love nest? I could not sleep without mood lighting. I could not snog under strip lights.
Lol, Raph is shit faced. Raph, don't drink and diary room. It's worse than drunk texting. Oh, he didn't even make it!
Sam likes Ellie. Ellie doesn't want to like Sam. I don't like either of them. All I see on Twit is people complaining about Ellie and Sam. And still they foist it on us.
Oh they've finally switched the lights off in the love shack. OMG Chanelle moaning and groaning! GRIM! It's not so much Love Island as Love Dregs. Not long now. Watch BB19! Listen to our BB19 pod! Then listen to our BBUK pod! Once you've done all that, Big Brother will be on again. Thanks for reading, you're the best.

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: Save your energy

Early morning dancing montage! How original. I just watched BB19 again so I'm again pissy with BBUK for being so shit in comparison. Losing in front of your home crowd, indeed!
Deborah getting her message from her baby was cute (and the little girl was gorgeous) but I already saw it on BOTS! Can't they show different stuff on BOTS to the main show?
Charlotte boowooing in the DR that she's not going to get a message from home, you came in with your mum, FFS. She thinks the late entries should have sacrificed their temptations. I kind of see her point, but it's a bit late now. They should have used the energy saving lightbulbs, I guess.
Oh God, Ellie's turn for some first class actressing. Big Brother is going to 'shine a light on it'. Is it Lotan? Is that her mum? Please tell your daughter to get a fucking grip. Why are they always proud? What are they so proud of?
Ellie: 'I'm sorry I took you for granted. Did you get train here?' What about the lightbulb! No time for small talk.
'Have you got a tshirt with my name on?' is vainer than 'Are we being funny, mummy?' Get over yourself! If Ellie wins, I'm emigrating. What am I saying, JASON BURILL won last year. Da fuck.
Charlotte and Sue are seething. Ellie 'forgot to ask about her instagram followers.' My heart bleeds.
Kieran's hair, though! Stop that. OMG his mum has come in clutching a picture of a cat. I didn't have Kieran down as a cat lady. If he is, it makes me like him more. Hold on, he wasn't holding the photo when he came in! Is he ashamed of his pussy? Back to hating him again then.
Sue and Simone: 'They're tolerating us.' They're barely doing that.
I was hoping Andrew was going to get reunited with the ferret. No such luck. Drat!
Andrew turned down the letter! Good man. Strong gameplay. Andrew is now making a funny noise. 'Oooooooooh.' Like an old lady with a knee problem. Victim noises!
OMG that's so cruel to do that do a dog! Oh, she took it! Haha. That's not going to go down well. The dog is gorgeous! I'd take the dog over Charlotte's mum. In fact...
Sam: 'How did the dog get here?' Same way you did, but with more elegance and a better vocabulary.
Ellie is not really a pet person, she's just mad for dick. Sorry to slutshame, but who doesn't like animals? Sicko.
Charlotte and Isabelle have to choose between them who can see their temptation. Bit cruel, isn't it?
Charlotte had her mum in there. But Isabelle came in later.
Isabelle is good to let Charlotte do it. She's so strong! Isabelle didn't look when they showed her mum, ha. Oops.
Mandy telling Charlotte not to sit on the fence. Fuck off! Mandy, she needs a cuddle, not a lecture.
I hate Mandy saying what Chanelle said! 'Daddy says, you gave up your job for this. Take them out one by one, start with Chanelle, move onto Sue, then onto Simone.' She shouldn't be allowed to say that! Get out!
Charlotte: 'That was the best fucking five minutes of my life.' Seek help. Has she never had an orgasm or been to an above average pop concert?
Charlotte piping up to Chanelle cos mummy told her to! Pathetic! Ugh! OMG! 'I'm speaking.' Shut the fuck up. Tragic.
Charlotte: 'That's just my face.' About her resting bitch face. Well, that's true.
Charlotte: 'My job is vocal, all I do is argue with people.' Where can I apply for this? I literally just noticed Charlotte's accent for the first time. I've been watching her on TV for weeks!
Kieran and Raph are arguing about a can of spiced rum and cola. Kieran: 'I'm not going getting it, you go get it.' That's the real Kieran. 'Very selective' - just like his personality. 'Goodwill gesture'? Here's a man who's worked in customer service. A goodwill gesture would be fucking off and not looking back, you fake piece of crap. I don't blame Raph for not shaking his hand after the way he spoke.
Simone is admitting about the bottles. Does anyone care about these bottles!? I don't. Oh, Hannah does. Simone: 'I'm not a liar, and I'm not a bad person.' Not so much debatable as untrue.
All the women keen to have balls tonight.
Kieran giving it the old 'fool me once' George Bush fail speech. I was surprised he managed to get it right.
Charlotte crawling to Isabelle. Isabelle: 'I know I'll be out sooner.' Sooner than Charlotte? Actually, on a vote to evict, she will. And that ain't right!
Chanelle and Charlotte are clearing the air. Charlotte doesn't like being referred to as quiet! What the fuck. Try speaking, then. I prefer Charlotte without a personality. What Chanelle said wasn't malicious in the slightest. It was just a sarcastic comment.
You never see the night cameras anymore, do you? Ellie drawing attention to herself and Sam's dick. I hope they have some condoms in there, cos they're not the brightest sparks, are they? The last thing we need is them reproducing.The only temptation for viewers at the moment is the amount of hype about Love Island on the other side. If I didn't despise showmances, I'd be on it like a Sam up a magazine deal.

Monday, 10 July 2017

Big Brother UK 2017: 'You're the best big brother ever'

I just watched Big Brother US and watching BBUK straight after is such a comedown. It feels dirtier than Simone after draining the drink dregs. It's rough as old boots. I'm like Kieran down the clap clinic watching this.
I still find it odd that Sam sleeps in the room with Hannah and the Exiles. He's clearly part of the 'clique'.
Simone is upset she was called 'dangerous', even though she's clearly dangerous as fuck. She will be bundled out like Kim Woodburn within the week, and not just to the David Gest suite. To the bus stop or the court house.
I kind of like Andrew's skinny body, shameful as that is to admit. Shame about his face and voice and personality.
Charlotte sipping that drink and smirking when Andrew mentioned Simone's modelling is your GIF for tonight.
Chanelle and Raph walking off when Simone sat down wasn't cool, even though they're not bitching too badly. They are bitching a little bit.
Oh fuck, I never pay attention to the rules of the shopping task so I've just rewound it. OK, they have to keep the lightbulb lit up but they'll face a range of temptations (sounds familiar). They can also light up a dancefloor. What?! Is this some recycling shit? Some eco-friendly message here, like Ooglies?
Chanelle saw her nana and went 'waaaaa'. Nana: 'You're doing so well.' Chanelle: 'I know.' Ha! I liked Chanelle asking about her rabbits first, then her boyfriend. 'Does he still love me?' I'm glad he does.
Kieran's hair is getting a bit 'Winston' from Steven Goode's year. And that's not a good thing.
Raph's sister is the cutest! Gorgeous. 'You're the best big brother ever.' He might be, but this show isn't. His reaction was cute.
Sue: 'I've had one kick off in the house and you won't see another one.' Okey dokey. Cut to Sue's next kick off in 30 minutes time.
Simone pleased with herself that she can control her anger. Well done, you're a sentient adult (just)!
I keep forgetting Tom is in there now all his lackies have gone. His girlfriend couldn't even be bothered to come in then? No cutch for him! Wales is a bit of a way away, isn't it? 'You need to handle your drink a bit better.' Tell off times! Everyone on Twitter is moaning that Paris was meant to have dumped Tom but then she phoned him. I do not give a fuck about Tom and his lovelife. Zzzzz.
Simone digging Tom out for draining the energy out the lightbulb, ha.
Hannha is seeing her sister Mary. She already has one sister in the house! Greed! Can't Deborah see her as well?
Mary: 'You and Deborah are killing it!' I love Hannah crying. Mary: 'Listen to Deborah!' Mary talks exactly the same! Haha, Mary saying Deborah should get with Kieran. I'm glad Mary said Raph and Chanelle are cool.
I love Hannah telling Deborah her mum is happy with Kieran! Then running to tell Kieran! Then Kieran running after Deborah! Aw! He's not good enough for her, but that was cute. But what about the STDs, bruv? NOT GOOD. Put something on the end of it.
Housemates dancing montage! Standard.
The Exiles and the Clique are united in their hatred for Simone. Sam: 'I've got to get her out, she's doing my head in.' Noms talk! As soon as Simone goes up, she's a goner.
Simone doesn't even get a call, she just gets a letter! 'Dear mam, it was great when you stuck that bread up your arse.' Whatevs, no one cares. Bring back Calum Best's letter from home. Legacy.
Simone's kids are proud of her! Is it because she's not punched anyone in seven days?
Kieran going 'she's still a mother'. So cynical! He doesn't give two fucks about Simone. Andrew saying he's happy Simone got her letter. Lies!
Is Simone reading her apology off a cue card? Andrew is being quite sanctimonious tonight.
Simone admitting to Sue she 'did the bottles'. Sue will rat on her, deffo.
Look at the state of Ellie. Jesus. What is she even crying about? Desperate or what? I thought she'd seen a clip of Sam saying he liked Isabelle but not even. That'll be next. Give your head a wobble! Lay off the Smirnoff Ice. What has Sam even done?
Hannah needs to become a counsellor if she's not already. JOURNEY! Check.
Sue is right that Ellie requires a lot of mollycoddling and it's tiring. Ellie whining that Isabelle is better than her. Yes, she is. Also, put a duvet cover on that bed, you filthy beggars.
Sue criticising Chanelle to Raph. Know your audience! Chanelle has good relationships with the sisters and Isabelle. That would bug the hell out of me if someone said that about me. Most of Chanelle's friends are girls, except Raph.
Hannah having to counsel Chanelle now! Poor Hannah, who counsels her? Chanelle: 'No one sticks up for me.' That is so me, haha. It's horrible when you feel like your friends don't stick up for you.
Isabelle's counselling isn't quite as good as Hannah's. 'Who gives a fuck what a 50 year old woman has to say?' Haha. 'There's a lot of people who look up to you.' Let's not go too far.
Sue comes in the room and Chanelle goes off bawling. Oh, put a sock in it, Sue. I don't really get her strategy, going in there and targeting one of the favourites? Is she trying to topple the favourite to become the favourite? She's trying to take down a dictator but she doesn't have the back up. She doesn't have an army. You can't do it alone, Sue. It doesn't work that way. Not even during hurricane season.