Celebrity Big Brother 2017: No Netflix and no chill

Oh, wow

Oh my God, guys, yesterday's Big Brother was too good! After the idiot general public voted out Brandi and Paul Danan in one night, I lost faith in you. I lost faith in us as a society, as I saw Barry and Helen circling the garden, complaining about the only people providing any entertainment.
But then we had Chad and Sarah announcing they were ON. And while I'm not a fan of showmances, I am a fan of people acting like drunken fucking messes and making dicks of themselves. Their drunken row was magic, from the singing, to the egg eating, to the 'miss you' and 'fuck off'. Boy, is Chad in over his head. And Sarah is making SUCH a fool of herself. Mentioning marriage? With Mr Flirty Pants off the Bachelorette? She's not so much drunk as in-fucking-sane.
Seeing the truth slowly dawning on Chad's face was just delicious too, but I think as long as he's getting his belt unbuckled in the bathroom, he's down (literally). It's a shame there's only a week left and it's a shame we only have one villian left as I think there's at least another two week's worth of drama to go. Barry, Helen and Derek need taking to the glue factory. Boring bastards. Helen going it's not 'the time and place to be funny' in the house. You're getting a platform every night for a month! If that's not the time, when is the time! Fail! Casting fail. Personality fail. Get out.
Anyway, onto tonight's show. Barry: 'Eating doesn't bother me.' Liar! Barry doesn't look like one of these 'too busy to eat' people. He's not a 'square of chocolate' man.
Sarah to Chad: 'Are you still in a strop?' Chad: 'I don't know what that means.' Haha.
Sarah is mental. That dog dressing gown needs BURNING. I'll burn it with her in it if needs be. Sarah hugging Chad and saying she's the bigger person. She is a piece of WORK.
Chad in the DR: 'I wasn't going to eat the meat, she's acting like a fortune teller.' He doesn't have trust with Sarah. They only started going out yesterday and he doesn't trust her already! He's not going to eat for a couple of days (except some random eggs in the storeroom, no doubt). He doesn't want to eat too much butter and potatoes that Sandi makes.
Why is Sandi stirring about Chad! Shut up. Sandi gets on my nerves now. I didn't like the way she was with Brandi either.
Sarah is accusing CHAD of sulking. Sarah is a one woman sulk.Sarah makes Cheryl Cole look friendly.
Sam to Amelia: 'You're a ray of sunlight on a rainy day.' You're a twat ruining my programme.
Big Brother has called housemates to The Vault. That used to be a crap nightclub I went to in Northampton. I can still smell the dry ice and poppers now.
So they are just nominating, so what's all the palaver about? They have to put their two noms in the safety deposit boxes. Why? Why not just the normal DR noms? They have spent about 100 times more on The Vault than the Diary Room chair, that's for sure.
Amelia nominated Chad for eating and Sarah for shouting at her. Derek nominated Jemma for saying disgusting words, haha. At least she doesn't defraud grieving people.  And Sarah for drinking alcohol. Women hater. 'She can't help it, poor love.' Snake. Sorry, ssssssnake.
Chad nommed Sandi cos of foods and Jemma for causing rows.
Helen nominated Sam (woo!) for putting the horses head in her bed. She's disappointed in him. I'm disappointed in her as a housemate. She also nommed Sarah for being a different person 'in the evening' (ie. when she's shitfaced).
Sam nominated 'The Harding' for lying that she and Chad were just friends and 'The Chad' for needind to smell Sarah. Mmm. What must she smell of? Fags and rum, I reckon.
Sarah basically saying that Sarah should nominate Sandi to make him happy, what a sneak! She didn't rise to it, though.
Sarah nominated Helen (good!) for not cleaning and Jemma for causing friction. So she didn't do what Chad wanted, haha.
Jemma nominated Sarah for saying horrible things and being unstable (like herself) and Chad. Aw, Chad is my favourite.
Barry nommed Sarah cos she has her partner in there! She has her NEW partner in there anyway. Don't be bitter, glitter, Barry. And Chad for the same reason. What is Barry's problem with the showmances? Does he not love love? He's only in there for another week! Chill the fuck out.
Sandi nommed Chad for late night eating and Sarah for moaning about everything. 'She's happy go lucky but she's not taking full advantage of it.' How can you be happy go lucky and moaning all the time?
Helen is feeling lonely. Well, you know where the door is. I have no sympathy for her. You're getting paid well to do a month in there. It's not a particularly volatile house. You're not in there with Bear. Shut up.
The oldies are talking about pop socks and petticoats, FFS. The highlights feel thin tonight. It's a shame as last night was so good.
Jemma is asking Sam to choose between his ex and Amelia. I don't know who his ex is but I don't care about Amelia, so whatever. She is saying she likes him in the DR. Honestly, I couldn't care less.
Sam admits he still likes his ex to Jemma. The only thing Sam likes is the sound of his own voice.
Ok, they are showing them the noms now. The little doors are opening in The Vault. At least they are showing them how many nominations they got each. Jemma got three, Chad got five and Sarah got seven.
Lol, all housemates who got one nomination are up, haha. What a fix. I fucking love it. Get someone (boring) out. So up is Chad, Helen, Jemma, Sandi, Sarah and Sam. Helen makes James C look exciting. Derek and Barry are just as bad.
Chad is going a bit Karthik saying to Sarah: 'Go put on a dress'. Ha. Sarah: 'It's what's inside that counts.' You're fucked on that front, too, then. Chad: 'Go put on a shiny dress.'
Amelia to Sam: 'When did you realise you first liked me?' I don't think he does, mate.
Sarah has realised everyone nominated her, even Derek. 'It's a witchhunt, I feel so deceived.' I liked it when she said she assumed Chad didn't nominate her. Give them another two weeks in there, and I think he would!
Sam is 'scared of underpromising and overdelivering.' Has he worked in a call centre? More shades of Karthik!
Time for Sarah and Chad to 'Netflix and chill' with no Netflix and definitely no chill. More like Prosecco and regret.
Night camera sexy time! Chad: 'This is hard.' No doubt. 'Can you feel that there? Yes that there.' What there? 
How can you get it on with Derek snoring like that? Not sexy! Hardly a conducive ambience. And why the eye masks? Kink?
The worst part was Sarah rubbing his cock NOT EVEN under the covers. Even Steven Goode did 'open it' with his robot wife undercover. It just looks seedy, and I am NOT in the habit of slutshaming. He should have known better, too. And the way they cut to the others snoring and sleeping is just the anti sexy, haha. Still, I am enjoying watching the utter car crash of it all. They're the only two in there doing anything, and if anything means rubbing cock while wearing eyemasks, I guess that's what we'll have to deal with!
Hopefully podcast tomorrow! Fingers crossed. Thanks for reading.