Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Hunting for witches (and snakes)

Out here drinking allllll the tea
Apologies to anyone who listened to our last podcast, I was dying on air. Thanks to Gaz for holding things together. I'm still not feeling great, but I seem to be blogging the evictions at least!
Wow, if you did a drinking game for every time someone says SNAKES on Big Brothers' worldwide, you'd be Gazza right now. Snakes everywhere! Sorry, sssssssnakes everywhere! But where's the sound effect, BBUK? You need to have a word with Julie Chen and the guys at CBS.
Brandi is getting annoyed with Sandi. I think I am as well. I don't think the pairing of Jemma and Brandi is particularly pleasant but at least it's entertaining. Everyone else is being fake nice or putting on an act or some bullshit. God, it's such a unlikeable house than when you slag off one person on Twitter, people end up presuming you like Paul Danan or something. I mean, come on. All the fencesitters in the middle are driving me mad, and everyone else is a cunt. It's slim pickings! Who is there to root for... Barry?
Paul getting Sandi to tell Jemma to leave him alone, what a fucking baby.
Jemma: 'Paul wants to stir his little pot and stroke his pet rat.' I think Paul wants to smoke a little pot, that's for sure. Where's the pet rat at? Oh, his top knot, most likely. Paul's the oldest hipster on record.
'The housemates are playing a game of celebrity spin the bottle.' How is that different from regular spin the bottle? Oh it has a bit of glitter on it.
Sam and Barry re-enacting his death scene... well he said he wanted to when he went in. Or was that Jordan? I get the two over-excitable muppets confused.
Sarah doesn't want to snog everyone in the house... just Jemma and Chad. Sarah didn't look that annoyed when Chad snogged Jemma, it was no Nikki Grahame watching Pete and Aisleyne kiss. Jemma 'You're basically Chad's bird.' Jemma stomping off and kicking something because Sarah wouldn't kiss Sam for a dare? Why?!
Jemma: 'You've got a boyfriend and you're fucking kissing Chad anyway.' That much is true.
Sarah has had enough. She's been tested to her limits. I don't know why she's even angry. She's having a go at Sam and Jordan for some reason. She's a total nutcase. At least Jemma owns being a lunatic. Sarah pretends she's actually decent when she's the dodgiest one in there, in more ways than one. Trying to redeem your image by getting shitfaced and snogging someone who isn't your boyfriend isn't exactly what your agent would suggest, I'd imagine.
Jemma: 'Get the fuck off me' to Jordan, haha. Sarah: 'You need to stop drinking' to Jemma. So do you. Sarah is pissy cos she snogged Chad, end of story. 'Enough is enough!' Yes, enough with you pretending to be Miss Innocent. OWN YOUR SHIT.
Oh, Sam is saying Sarah's annoyed cos Jemma snogged Chad during spin the bottle. That makes sense.
Sarah in the DR: 'I've got my own stuff to deal with, I don't need it thrown in my face on TV. What started off as fun, ends up in a tragic fucking war and I'm in the firing line every time.' Cos you're the root of it all, you psychotic bitch! God, she's driving me up the wall. You're making me feel sorry for Cheryl racist Cole at this point!
Big Brother has decided not to give the housemates anymore alcohol cos they're all alcoholics and mental and they're probably worried someone's gonna do a Kim Woodburn or a Deborah.
Jemma is dead right that Sarah plays the victim. Sarah to Sam: 'This is becoming a witchhunt.' Let's hold her under the water in the hot tub just to make sure. Haha, her calling Sam and Jordan warped. They haven't done anything! Sarah is a mental. End of story. I hope she watches this back and realises. Sarah: 'You guys have to change your tunes.' They're just two immature little dickbrains! You're ten years older and having a breakdown. You need to change your tune.
Jordan: 'You get too pissed every night.' Haha. Sarah nicking her fags back. 'I was out here drinking tea last night.' If you don't have a problem with drink, you don't have to point out the nights you didn't drink. Because you don't notice.
Jordan: 'None of us can drink now because of you. You're ruining everyone's night, every night.' Look at Jordan's too short trousers with his little red socks. Hard to take him seriously, really. And he has a bandage on his arm. Wanking?
What does Chad see in Sarah exactly? She's just awful. Even Amelia Lily has lost her shit. Amelia zero storyline Lily has lost her shit with Sarah.
Amelia: 'Well, we're not allowed anymore alcohol.' Sarah: 'GO AWAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!' Amelia: 'It's fucking disgusting being spoken to like that, talking to me like a piece of shit, fucking arsehole.' I think Amelia wanted another can of rum and coke.
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink (oh you can't, as they've had it confiscated cos Sarah is loopy). Then Chad snogs her in the loo trying to comfort her and she says 'let's get back in the friend zone.' I mean, he's in the wrong taking advantage of a drunk, crying mental case, but she is mixed messages galore. Their 'relationship' is fucked and a half. Chad looks genuinely bemused.
Looks cosy in that 'friend zone' in bed, doesn't it? Kissy kissy! Oh, they're just keeping warm, I'm sure.
Nice to see all the women getting booed and the men not, as usual. Eww.
Ooh, the two safe are... Helen and Gemma. OMG Sarah and Chad's FACES. It was like the anti Ika and Demetres crab eyes of joy when Neda was finally up on BBCAN. Amazing moment. Chad knows he's in for a night of moaning now, haha.
Sam and Jordan are no more! Cry me a river! Fuck off, fake reality twats. OMG the crowd are chanting get Sarah out. I can't believe it. They actually agree with me! Makes a bloody change!
It's a shame Jordan went over Sam, but let that be yet another message to BB that we don't want these scripted reality people in there. I mean, how did Helen get more votes than him?! I know she's more famous, but who is ringing in?
OMG at Jordan's embroidered jacket saying he was the winner. He's no Roger Federer, is he? Fail. The yellow socks and the yellow suit, too. Why!
Emma: 'I've never seen Ex on the Beach.' Burn.
Jordan: 'I thought going in there... everyone hates reality stars.' Weeeelll.
It's a shame for Jordan (not us) that he went in a way, as no one would have bothered nominating him if he hadn't been up due to that task. But I'm glad not to watch the bullshit bromance crap anymore.
I just realised I haven't been paying attention to this interview. Oh well. I did hear Emma say 'predictament' instead of 'predicament.'
Jordan saying Sarah is a nightmare and he hates her, haha. 'She's meant to be a role model, getting pissed, kicking off and hiding fags.' I hate Emma trying to turn it back on Jemma. He wasn't talking about Jemma! Jordan: 'This whole Chad thing is bullshit.' Yes!!! Emma can't deal when someone decides to speak the truth for once.
Ooh, just noticed Emma's outfit. Quite nice. Makes a change. That was fun! I'm enjoying the Sarah/ Chad/ Danan/ Jemma dynamic. It's an absolute car crash, but it sure does make good TV!


n.k. said...

where the fuck did dangerous get his eviction outfit from? The same shop as Joe Pesci in My cousin Vinnie? I bet pissy Harding told him I think it looks great! and im only drinking orangeade!!!

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