Wednesday, 30 April 2008

The Apprentice: 'I'm sorry your 11-yr-old daughter got stabbed by a hoodie' card

Oh my god! Why isn't Harry Hill on at the moment? That was the best quote ever, and I just know Harry would have made up that card along with 'I'm sorry your husband got beaten to a pulp'. What the fuck is Sir Alan on? I think he's lost his mind! Maybe he forgot to take his grumpy pills and just went mental.
So to start with he put the two bumbling idiots in charge, the male Nikki-Grahame and Matt Lucas. The ideas for the cards were truly bloody awful... the flaws were pretty obvious for all to see. What sort of prick would send someone a card (of all things) preaching about the environment?
I'm especially loving Rafe at the moment, he's AMAZING. Everything he says is pure gold. He looked in his element when Myleene was playing the piano, I bet he slipped her some smooth lines later. I liked it when he stuck up for Sara at the end too, I have no idea why everyone was having a go at her, Jenny should clearly have gone, the witch-faced harridany old hag. Matt Lucas deserved to get the boot for not taking her into the boardroom with him (and for bragging about his Porsche). Fair enough all either Alex or Sara do is mill about looking pretty, but that'll do me. A least they are not complete bastards.
Claire is particularly awful as well, just wholly unlikeable in any way. I quite like the Irish woman now too.
But anyway. I'm off to buy a 'I'm sorry your boyfriend got dragged under the wheels of a bendy bus' card. Because THAT is relevant to today's world, right, Alan?

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Big Brother USA- The Final

Well, what a weird final. A strange crowd of drones (they may as well have been Mii characters) assembled outside the Big Brother gingerbread house. Where was the baying mob? The banners? Where was Davina? Oh, there she was, advertising hair-dye in the break. Subtle.
It was quite funny when the housemates got to grill Adam and Ryan- Adam started to go a bit manic and lose it, but him offering to give a load of the cash to charity was definitely wise. Ryan sounded much less convincing. I enjoyed Chelsia seemingly turning into a bizarre caricature of herself, but she did ask the pertinent question to Ryan- why would you love someone who branded you a racist on telly?
And were they or weren't they alluding to the Natalie/Matty blowjob? It was probably something else entirely.
And so Adam won, with 6 votes to 1, only Joshuah voted for Ryan to win; as usual, completely out of whack with the rest of the house (but that's why we liked him!)
I'm glad Sheila stayed loyal to Adam. I was hoping he would win, because I didn't want Ryan (or Jen!) to get their hands on half a million bucks. Jen's boobs looked horrible in that dress, all muscly and unfeminine.
And that was that. Adam got half a million, Ryan got 50,000 dollars, which isn't bad losing money. They even gave James 25K at the end for having the most lurid denim and the crappiest tattoos in history. They clearly have money to burn in America- next time- get a new host, that one is really fucking weird.
All in all, this has been the best thing on telly all year by a country-mile, something to genuinely get excited by, and consistently entertaining. It's just a shame hardly anyone watched it.
I'm sure our BB is going to die on it's arse this year by comparison. I wish the producers would take a look at this show, nick some of the tasks, and pick some seriously machiavellian contestants. Oh and then do vote to save instead of evict, then we lose the boring fuckers instead of the loveable bastards.
Just put me in charge and everything will be alright, basically. Vote me!

Newsflash: 24 Years Underground

Secret doors have been everywhere lately. The Orphanage springs to mind. Then last week at my writing group someone read out something about a secret door with a creepy doll coming through it. Maybe it was a premonition about the story no one could have missed by now, of the Austrian girl Elisabeth Fritzl (now a middle-aged woman) kept in a cellar for 24 years and repeatedly raped by her own father.
I was in a shop today and someone made a joke about it. A joke about someone who had been kidnapped, sexually abused and put in prison, for an eternity, for nothing. Someone who had had one child die on her, and three snatched from her, whilst not being able to protect the ones who stayed with her. Ha ha. I went, ‘oh hilarious’ but afterwards I hated myself for not calling him out properly. What sort of feminist am I? What sort of man was he?
The girl’s story is bad enough- twenty-four years imprisoned. But three of her kids had never seen sunlight. Ever. The oldest one was nineteen years old… nineteen years. A whole life. In one cellar. You can’t wrap your head around that. No one can.
I have no words or thoughts to describe 'Mr Fritzl' as the papers keep calling him (why the politeness?). I've come to terms with the fact now that certain men are just monsters, with no empathy. The real story lies with what happened over those years and what happens next. Would he have just kept them under there forever? He would, wouldn't he? And what now? I just can't foresee a happy ending. It's Flowers in the Attic, it's just fucked beyond belief. It's beyond imagining. Could the mother have not known? I guess she could. Anything is hard to find if you will not open your eyes. Who knows, really.
What is it with Austrians and kidnapping? What is with men and control? It's a sick world. We just live it in, and become immune, and eventually we'll just laugh along with the jokes, like fucking idiots because what other choice do we have? If we actually stop and think about any of this stuff for a minute, we'll go absolutely doolally.

Monday, 28 April 2008

Britain's Next Top Model: Heels

No blog for a week, then you get two. Don't thank me, it's the least I could do.
So this week the girls were taught to dance by someone called Supple (!) who told Lightbulb Head to 'think like a stripper'. There's some aspirational stuff right there. She looked annoyed.
Then in a further masochistic twist they made the mogels walk in stupidly high heels. Seriously, I don't think almost breaking your ankle is that fashionable. I find it quite sadistic. In fact, a lot of things about fashion are- starving women to look like children, forcing them to take their kit off, making them wear painful things. Then the hilarious part is forcing the girl on the street to fork out for it. We really are stupid beyond words.
To emphasise my point, they then made them do a catwalk show wearing newspapers and screwed up paper for outfits.
Then some twat in a furry hat took pictures of them and generally treated them like dogshit. They must have had it in for Lightbulb Head this week, because they made her do a pole dancing picture. Just leave her alone, stop trying to sexualise her, you fucking pervert.
Then they got drunk, had a fight and one of them threw up. That's not entertainment, it's just a night out on any high street in England. No one appealed to me this week, it was just a big dull-fest. the pics were all quite crappy. The black girl went. She wasnt that great- but nor were any of 'em. Off with their heads (and Snowden's too)!

Review: Wii Fit

Bloody hell, it was enough of a workout dragging this ginormous box home from Argos Extra in Haringey (it don't get glammer than that, folks) the only place on earth that appeared to have the hallowed Wii Fit in stock. After I had a Mcdonalds and a little rest, I finally fought my way into the box, which again, was more exercise than I get in a year.
As a massive cyber slap in the face, the Wii balance board weighs you in front of your friends, lovers, or family. So normally you lie about how much you weigh, and then here it is, right in your face. To add insult to injury, it declared I was almost obese, then made my little Mii character all fat! I am NOT that shape, like a little tubby flat-chested pre-boob job Sonia Jackson! Fuck you, Nintendo. The good part is, this is so humiliating, it make you want to work out. It also said my fitness age was 31, which was not too bad, really, considering how fucking lazy I am.
I was looking forward to my boyfriend getting humilated as I did, and instead it declared his weight IDEAL! Ideal? SULK! Oh the bright side, it said his fitness age was 41 hehe. So the pain and embarrassment evened out.
Well, I'm happy to report it was all worth it. Wii Fit does the impossible, makes exercising FUN. Yes, you heard that right, from ME! Fucking hell. I remember hoping they'd invent this sort of game decades ago, and now here it is. I love having all my little Mii characters like Morrissey, Conor, Eminem and all my mates joining me for a step class. It's soooo good. The jogging was particularly good and hard (having boobs is definitely a disadvantage). I enjoyed the hula hooping too although I was shit at it. Probably the hardest things are the stuff like push-ups and yoga- feel the burn (sob). I liked the wiggly ball thing, that was good. It's like playing tetris with your body, which sounds sort of rude.
So will I stick at it? Fuck knows, I had a curly-whirly halfway through. But you know, I'll TRY! It's better than nothing, right?
In conclusion, I can't believe I paid £70 to get told I'm fat. It's brilliant. God bless the Japenese.

Monday, 21 April 2008

Britain's Next Top Model

The girls are already ten billion times more exciting and interesting looking than the last American lot, which was the worst series of ANTM EVER. I'm quite shocked as normally the British one is a complete chavalanche.
Obviously our host Lisa 'fucked George Clooney- so what?' Snowden is a personality vaccuum. They should get George's new bit of stuff to do it, she seems like good fun. But at the same time, you don't want to punch Snowden quite as much as Tyra.
The contestants: Ok I'm going to try and take down names cos I always get moaned at (aren't my descriptions good enough?) Sophie- very cute, Lily Allenish. One with a squarer jaw than a lego man (I forgot the name already!). One called Louise with the most bizarre two tone eyeshadow since 80s TV comedy 'Watching' (how the FUCK do I remember that? I'm SO OLD!) Oh and she's quite plain apart from that, although she looked alright in her picture. At least four or five are actually conventionally good looking, which is very rare for these model shows (Claire, Alexandra, Stephanie, Lauren, Charlotte). There's one called Lisa with kind of choppy layered hair who is interesting looking. There's one called LINZI who looks about 40. Sara- bolshy black girl. Rachael & Catherine- big noses. Leanne- nice lips and bright red hair. Martha, bit of a lightbulb head. Aaron- has a boys name. Aw no, she's quite cute. I like Leanne and Lisa best so far.
So they were asked to pose topless pressed against eachother and told it was about 'feminine empowerment'!!! I've heard it ALL now! Fucking hell, did they replace 'male wankfest' in the dictionary with 'feminine empowerment'? I wonder what they replaced gulliable with? Model?
There are new judges this year- some bloke in a flat cap, and some OAP called Huggy. Who the fuck were the judges before? I don't have a clue.
Aw Lily Allen girl went. She was pretty! The ones I like always leave rapidly. My taste sucks!

Sunday, 20 April 2008

Film Review: The Orphanage

Well, I've been meaning to watch this for two weeks now after a hearty recommendation from my best friend and a gushing review on The Culture Show. Which leaves me asking, can I have those two hours of my life back? And can I trust either of these sources for information EVER AGAIN?
The first hour of this film was so boring it made my three-hour round trip to the vet on Saturday seem like a free weekend in Las Vegas. I was hopeful it might pick up after that as I'd been told it was so scary it would make me jump (repeatedly) and was so good at the end that Mark Kermode off The Culture Show was moved to tears. I was prepared with a cushion to hide behind and everything. Instead it was just another hour of tedium, with a mild feeling of depression at the end. No jumping. No thrills. I've been more scared watching Most Haunted Live.
I should have known really, as it was by the same director as Pan's Labyrinth which promised to be magical and instead was dreary and wrist-slashing. The Orphanage promised to be frightening and was instead dreary, cliched and slower than Jade Goody. And why were those kids terrorising her anyway? Surely they were her buddies at the orphanage? Also, the last thing she did to her boy was whack him one, so I think the finger of suspicion probably could have swung her way a bit more.
I like my horror films to be REALLY scary... not gory, but to at least get your heart beating. To at least make you care. This was just an unsettling mix of creepiness, mild gore, and the very worst of things, sentimentality. This film was ten million times less frightening, original or interesting as the most basic of scaries like The Ring or even bloody Final Destination (which is brilliant!). I don't think I would have been remotely scared by this even as a child.
What I don't get is... why did this get such good reviews? Am I missing some vital bit of my brain? Or do I just have the most basic of attention spans?
Whichever way you look at it, I'm right, and if you like this, you're wrong.

Saturday, 19 April 2008

Things I should have written about this week but didn't

Sorry I didn't write about The Apprentice, I know at least half a person who wanted me to, but by the time I could be bothered (i.e. the next day) all the David Brent jokes had been taken by the press. Can you believe I picked that dude to win recently? It was a total cringe-fest. Alan has picked some prize buffoons this year... but he's also picked Alex (swoon!) so we'll forgive him.
I also didn't write about BB USA (mainly because I was half cut last night and can't remember the finer details) but I DO remember Natalie getting show the door! I guess 'Team Christ' turned out to be Team Judas (I can't believe she didn't crack that one in her interview). And why did James start on Chelsia in the jury house? The 'houseguests' didn't turn on him because of her, they turned on him because he kept saying how he was going to wreak bloody revenge on them on a constant loop. Can Sharon win it now? She'd be lucky. If not, I'd go for Sheila, Adam, then Ryan in that order.
I ALSO did not write about American Idol, and nor did I last week when Michael Johns went. Shame, I liked him. This week saw the back of Krusty Le Crab, which I was glad about, but as punishment we had to look at Mariah Carey's smug, punchable face for two hours. Seriously, die. I liked Brooke this week. David Arch-whatshisface didn't even sing that song as good as Leon! Ahhh, Leon. Cute little Leon. I enjoyed perving over him on a weekly basis. Who else is left? Shoutyeisha. Carly and her incredible frowning face. What's that stoner with the dreadlocks called? Fidel Castro? He's alright but a bit nothingy. Oh yeah and fish-face. I like fish-face the best. But when Paula said to him 'you've got the whole package' I was thinking, perhaps not having a fish-face would help. Oh and his hair looks a bit- flyaway... if you get my drift. So if he didn't look aquatic, and wasn't going bald, he'd deffo be the whole nine yards.
I could say plenty about Eastenders but it got so utterly silly this week I don't know how. Even Stacey wouldn't sink so low as Stephen 'Acting school' Beale. Poor Christian! And Sean just became utterly ridiculous. As for Corrie, I enjoyed the use of the term 'bat inspectors' but my main thought for the week was if you HAD to, at gunpoint, who would you sleep with out of David Platt or that gormless kebab shop kid he knocks about with? I honestly have weighed up all the pros and cons and I'd still rather talk out of an extra mouth where my cheek once was than make that decision.
Unfortunately I forgot to tape the show about the Tree Man, but that would have been my highlight.
Turn off- Katie & Peter who have gone from a chuckle at a mild happy-slapping incident to being forced to listen to some chavs playing their music on a loudspeaker on the bus for an HOUR. The words banal and inane do not even scratch the surface. Empty souls, empty heads... and still we watch. They really do win every single time.

Monday, 14 April 2008

Review: Mario Kart Wii

I grew up with Mario Kart. I can still remember the front room of my house being full of smoke and teenage boys and cups of tea as my brothers and their mates played it on the N64 and would let me play every now and then. Years later Mario Kart: Double Dash for the Gamecube was a bit of a letdown but me and MY friends still played the hell out of it for... years. I was playing it up to this year. You either get the whole Nintendo thing or you don't, and I had it ingrained in me, like chip shops and britpop.
So it was with trepidation and excitement I approached Mario Kart Wii, fearful they might have fucked up something so precious again. But what do you know... they've cracked it! It's fucking ace. It really feels like they care about the characters and the gameplay again and they've listened to the previous fans grumblings.
I was scared of the wheel, but it's really good fun. Having said that, we've played it without (with the gamecube controllers) and it's about 5 million times easier. But the wheel is nuts. The tracks are wicked as well. The new tracks are brilliant- it's crazy time, driving up the walls, weird acid-like trips in Bowser's castle, and more mushrooms than you can shake a stick at. I LOVE the snowy track, and the leafy track (I'm not looking up the names! What am I, a boy?) Another great aspect though, is they have revived a bunch of old tracks from various Nintendo formats. So you get the proper nostalgia trip. How weird is it that your brain still remembers it's way around a track from ten years before? Why would your brain store that information? It's like hearing an old song- and you're there. It's a really nice touch.
What else? The characters are good, the karts are good, the bikes are good. As usual, it's bloody hard, and bloody unfair in the extreme, but I like some of the new power-ups, the bullet thing is good if you're in last place, and the squid thing that goes all over your opponents screen is pretty funny.
Can someone tell me how to hook the Wii up to the internet cos we don't have a clue here. I want to play the world!
Mario is back, back, back! Luigi can still fuck off though.
PS. I can't wait for Wii Fitness! Surely I'll go on it more than once if I fork out £70?

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Big Brother USA- 'Knock the bitches out'

Well, the dividing line is well and truly rubbed out now. Everyone, with the exception of Sharon, is a duplicitous liar. Natalie's power has gone to her head, she's looking more and more like a cult leader about to order them all to top themselves by the minute. Luckily, they're on to the boggle-eyed demented witch. I think she could be in BIG trouble next week. Why is Ryan still there??? Put down the cookies Ryan, you fat fuck. Sheila 'I'm doing this for my son' can also kiss my arse big time. Now I want Sharon to win (she may be boring, John, but at least she's come out with some integrity), or failing that Adam for just being a big dumb bozo.
The jury house looks like much more fun, I can't believe Matty just sat there whilst Joshuah said Natalie looked like a slut in that top. Where's the chivalry? But he's quite happy to take some of her cash if she wins! What a chump.
I was very sad to see James 'the free spirit' finally go, but he took it with good grace. 'Bicycling around the world' will now forever be a euphemism for gay sex. Cheers James. You and your ridiculously skinny jeans in lurid shades should have won it.

Britains Got Talent: Horrifically Entertaining

What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? What is wrong with Amanda Holden's face? Oh yeah, the dog and the contortionist were good.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Newsflash: God Vs The Daily Mail

Two stories caught my eye in the Daily Hate recently, Yesterday the story of a mother who gave birth to twins and needed a simple blood transfusion, but the family denied it because she was a Jehovah's witness. The doctors begged them five times to let her live. Her mother said, 'At least she died faithful to God'. If her mother had said that in front of me, I would have fucking knocked her out. That's not a mother. Mothers would do ANYTHING to protect their child. How could they have stood by? The thought of my mum standing by and letting that happen... well, it just wouldn't happen. If I'm a heathen because of that, good. If I'm going to hell, good, cos I wouldn't want to go to any heaven with fuck-ups like that in it*. If I'd been a doctor or nurse working there, I don't think I could have gone into work ever again. It's murder, as far as I'm concerned, simple as that. Straight to hell for that family, do not pass go, do not collect 200. I would love to hear them explain that one to her babies.
*Of course, it's all bollocks anyway.
The other story that enraged me was 'Barred from fostering because we admitted smacking our daughter as a last resort' (and isn't that a snappy headline?) This is typical Mail stuff- look at the poor christian folk who won't tell their kids about gays but will smack them one. People hit kids because they are too stupid to say 'NO'. The opening paragraph is a treat though; 'Their local council was so desperate for foster parents that it said even single mothers and criminals would be considered.' Just re-read that. Single mothers! On a par with criminals! And EVEN criminals might be alright parents, dependent on the crime. It might just be a spot of fraud or something. I'm only surprised homosexuals weren't mentioned and decried, like they normally are.
I got a little sickly cat last week, and I could not touch a strand of it's fur. No matter how naughty it was, it would never cross my mind to raise my hand to it. I can only imagine you'd want to protect your children about a thousand million times more. I was never hit as a child, there's no reason to hit a child, ever, except the fact you're too thick to realise there's another way. Just face it, you like hitting kids, and therefore you're a bad parent and not fit to adopt. So good! I'm glad they didn't let you.
Result- God- nil. The Mail- nil. Looks like the dark side wins this time! And every time. Woo!

Monday, 7 April 2008

Cozzer- Back on Track/Enderz- Must Try Harder

Unlike Eastenders where there's been too little Rick-AY! and way too much Bian-KER (and her fucking nasally voice) Corrie has got it just right tonight. David going on the rampage in Corrie was ace! They broke the budget with that one, didn't they? I bet the actor who plays David (David Sneddon we always suspected, and if you get that reference, I love you) enjoyed himself. He smashed windows, cars, Audrey's neon light, but the cherry on the cake was punching a police-WOMAN in the face. Class and a half! Corrie's gone proper Enders-style violent. I loved it when Eileen walked past and went 'Another day in paradise.' But why did no one try and stop him? Darn rubber-neckers.
I bet Gail will still forgive him! Rent-a-Ghost had his number from years back.
And as an aside, is there any need for this at 8.30pm???
Michelle: 'I could eat you.'
Steve: 'Feel free. But let's do it round the back.'
Honestly, there could be children watching...
But anyway. Long live David. I bloody love him. He's like a mini Phil Mitchell. I reckon he could have Phil Mitchell right now. Phil Mitchell is acting like fucking fairy these days.

Friday, 4 April 2008

Big Brother USA- Crazy James Strikes Again!

I can't even be bothered to write about American Idol it's so deathly dull. But I watched Thursday's BB USA double bill and it was an absolute joy from start to finish. It has more drama per episode than an entire UK BB series.
Sheila is such a piece of work; arse-kissing both sides, I was hoping James was going to nut her. It was mildly scary when he was shouting right in her face, personally, I found that a bit aggressive for my taste. But she is an absolute lying hag and would try the patience of a saint. I felt SO sad when James was crying and all alone and everyone said 'you're out of here'.
BUT! He wasn't. I was indescribably happy when James won the power of veto again, he really is indestructible. I love the fact he totally rubbed it in their faces. It made me laugh when the thick morons were like 'how does he keep surviving?' By outwitting you, you donkeys! And whilst wearing those purple skinny jeans, almost constantly.
But for James to stay (and he deserved it) we had to see the back of devious Joshuah, who was absolutely fucking amazing tonight. He went down in an absolute blaze of glory. Turning on his best friend Sharon as she cried in the toilet was despicable genius. Why was Sharon eating cereal and crying too? You can't cry and eat, the two things do not mix.
Josh's fake crying was good enough for an Oscar, yet at the same time utterly ridiculous. Adam is one stupid fucker. But of course, Natalie had to stick her oar in and the whole plan started to look wobblier than Ryan's fat fucking neck.
We must be getting down to the wire now. Bring on the big sticks.

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

The Apprentice: Irksome

I find it irksome when people say 'pacifically' dunno about you. AND especially when they say 120%. However, I find it amusing when thinks are described as 'a bit of a pickle' so that makes up for it a bit.
I don't think I've ever seen such an obviously losing team on The Apprentice, there is normally a bit of suspense. But contrary to popular myth, it appears men are better at laundry than women after all.
The characters are definitely become apparent, I'm particularly liking the motley crew of the buffonted Lestat (let's grab the bull by the... er...), little Matt Lucas (you were right!) and the male Nikki Grahame. I was trying to work out who his voice was like when he was going '45p a sheet' and then it struck me, Nikki 'I'm sooooooooo cold' Grahame! Which is great, as her voice was an endless source of amusement. Those three are like comedy characters on their own.
And then we have the girlies. The asian girl with the eyebrows is still my fave, she's well cool-looking and she's quite fiesty. I also like the pretty black girl who's a bit cocky. The rest are a fucking shambles, that red haired one should have gone! Thingy was a scapegoat! (sorry i've not remembered one person's name yet) The red haired one was truly horrible, a proper bully. I think Alan only kept her in to entertain. I wish they'd just shoot his fucking henchmen too, are they really necessary?
My pick to win at the mo is the west ham army dude. He seems pretty down to earth, enthusiastic and hard working.
But after that absolute div won last year, anything is possible.

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Big Brother USA- The Natalie Show

I swear Natalie must have mentioned god twenty million times this show. I know this for a fact, because every time she said 'god' I said 'blowjobs' and I said it a LOT. Natalie, God does not have time to listen to your blathering bullshit. He's too busy not existing. It's fun to play dumb? Only the very dumbest of people ever say such a thing, because dumb people can't 'play intelligent', can they? You can't suddenly spouting a bit of a maths formula, can you? No, because you're just a big dumb pair of boobs. (Sorry- Natalie brings out the anti-feminist in me!)
It sucked to see James and Josh so damaged and about to be thrown out due to that ridiculous airhead. I loved James telling Natalie he felt 'physically intimidated' by Matty. Yeah right, and I feel intellectually challenged by Natalie. That was some class arse-kissing (sorry, ass). But sadly, it didn't wash. I think all things considered, I would prefer James to go now. He is miserable without Chelsia anyway. Josh is funny, he keeps the entertainment factor up and the Natalie hatred on the boil.
The main trouble is I find most of the other characters of little interest. Adam is funny in a bumbling, court-jester way but a minor diversion. Sharon is dull. Ryan has less personality than his gut. Sheila is just a poisoned old witch.
I think Josh summed it up best when he said 'one of those people is going to win half a million dollars.' It's a crazy world. I just watch it from the safety of my house.

Enders: Frank

I wasn't going to blog about this, but Ricky, Diane, Janine, Bianca, numerous flashbacks, and us hearing the thoughts inside Pat's head, then even the bloody coffin talking, is just too much to let slip by unnoticed. Without Pat almost stripping. It's so gross the way they always allude to Pat having a 'sexy past.' BLERGH!
This episode started off awful (another Christian-less episode- sob!) with Pat and Peggy both talking for way too long, but kicked off after about ten minutes. I love it when Peggy says 'get out of my pub!' You can't go wrong with that.
I KNEW what would be inside the present! So obvious. So revolting.
I'm well pleased to see Ricky back, I think he's fabulous. I bloody love Janine as well, I wish she was back for good. I'm thinking she probably isn't.
Why was Bianca still wearing the same clothes she wore ten years ago? Has she been cryogenically frozen? In fact none of them had aged. How peculiar. Lucky gits.
Other things that should make an Enders comeback.... Sharon, Dennis, Matthew Rose, Steve Owen, whoever Paul Nicholls played who wrapped tin-foil round his head (but not his mum, she was fucking annoying), the new skinny Sonia (just to see what people say), Tiffany, Grant, Beppe, Beppe's brother, Gaffney... evil Trevor! Oh my god, there's so many.
PS: Bloody loved the advert with Ricky and Bianca. If only actual Eastenders was that good.