Saturday, 30 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Concentrate on your journey

How do they get away with it? The vote fixing that is. The 'pure' housemates, chosen by the pointless Gillian McKeith get to nominate. How are GC and her lapdog Danniella, chronic chainsmokers, PURE in any way? GC was exempt from the task for 'feeling nauseous'? The only task this bitch has done is the one where she got immunity. Funny, that. Gillian McKeith was a waste of airtime and whatever she got paid. Honestly, fuck these I'm a Celebrity people.
I have no idea why Big Brother wanted Tiffany, Stephanie and Jeremy on the block, while Darren Day, Danniella and GC just sit there smoking and whining and pretending they're decent people when we all know they're morally bankrupt. It was so annoying, as I like all three people who were up. I voted to save Steph though, as it's my aim in life to see her outlast Gemma Collins. At least Stephanie admits her sins.
I was sorry to see Jeremy go. I thought Emma treated him despicably, overcompensating for her Hazel/Daley fuck up of years' past by pretending she cares about sexism when we all know she's a raving misogynist. Jeremy is single, he can essentially do what he likes. I do believe he fell in love. I dread to think what Stephanie will face when she's evicted. That crowd are just looking for a witch to burn and she's the one. I have this faint hope in my heart that she could win it, just because I'd love to see the uproar, both in and out of the house. Helen won, so anything's possible.
I have more to say on all of that, and tried to last night with a podcast that was sabotaged by a live mouse being dumped in my living room by my cat. Whether the beginning of that ever sees the light of day, I'll let you know. The mouse, unbelievably, is still at large. *eek*
So on with tonight's show. God, is the phone task still going on? I hate two day tasks. Yawn.
I also don't give a fuck if Steremy shagged or not, but I like the fact it annoyed the hags so much. I include Darren in the hags, FYI.
OMg Jez wiggling his weiner at Steph. Now I'm going to have to delete another 10 people off Twitter for calling Steph a slag, even though it's Jeremy waving his willy around.
What is the POINT in Scotty T, does anyone know? Also, who is the other Scotty? There was Luke S and Luke A, but where is Scotty A, B or C? And can we swap for that one?
I watched the extended cut of Steph's call earlier and it was actually really moving. The fact she was so desperate to hear he her dad proud of her was cute. Her dad was soooo nice. I wish I had a nice dad. 'You hold your head up high.' Aw. Fuck Danniella, John. Steph is eating up the call time. 'Concentrate on your journey.' That's fighting talk. 'Retain your dignity' means 'don't fuck Jeremy' right? Too late, I think. He's not seen Sam for a while, ha. I have, plugging his wares on Twitter. I like the fact they all leave the room when they have the calls. Calls from home are better than letters from home.
Danniella: 'Of course her dad's proud of her.' *sour* What a bitch. I actually hate her more than GC now, which I didn't think was possible.
Big Brother zooming in on Jeremy and Stephanie getting it on before throwing them to the wolves. Mock horrified much.
Danniella: 'Scotty hasn't had a phonecall.' He has, it was just so insignificant, no one remembers it. It was just one of his feral co-stars barking down the line.
Danniella's getting her call. I'm so happy for her, not. Bet she's pleased her friend mentioned Tiffany, ha. 'He's like JLo.' Er, who the fuck is it?
Scotty couldn't wait to get Megan off the phone. Can't blame him.
Hold on, why is John 'I didn't cry at my father's funeral' getting another call? And bawling! Turncoat.
Jeremy is deffo finger banging Steph! I like the way they've cut all the phonecalls with the sex. It's dramatic, ha. What about the dignity though? 'Me dad!' Oh, fuck dignity. She knows she's not getting back with Sam now.
Gemma ordering her mum around and hanging up on her. 'You can walk? Sort me out a fucking party!' Ok then.
Steph is wondering how to speak to Sam. I don't think you'll have to worry about that. Jeremy pretending to be respectful: 'We should wait a while.' What about the magazine deals? The magazine deals wait for no one. Jeremy: 'We're gonna have amazing sex.' I'm sure. But he's happy to wait, OK? He can't even wait until they get out of the house!
I like Tiffany's reaction when she was saved, it seemed very genuine. I can't work out if Steph's orange dress is an eek or a chic. Maybe it's a cheek.
'It's made Danniella's day' that Tiffany is staying (subtext: Steph or Jeremy are going).
Steph and Jeremy saying their goodbyes in the loo. Quite apt. I still don't get this phonebox thing. I thought it was quite sad when he went. I'm so glad it wasn't her though. Fuck the other housemates.
Danniella: 'You get way you get when you behave a certain way.' Yeah like no septum. She's SMILING. Evil cow. How can she BE SO JUDGEMENTAL! How can you be 42, have been through all that, and throw around the word 'slag' and JUDGE SO MUCH? And allegedly she's a Christian? FFS. Hypocrite.
Danniella: 'She deserves every boo she gets and more.' So much for her 'trying to help' Steph as people were bleating to me on Twitter this week. Bet you I don't hear from them again. She's just HORRIBLE. I'm glad Scotty T was left without his playmate and it was his own doing for nominating Steph. Haha! Scotty T comforting Steph, ugh. Steph doesn't have to explain herself to that mutt Scotty T. He doesn't understand love. He just wants to know when his next walkies is.
What's Danniella carping about. 'It should never have been him.' Didn't she nominate him?
Danniella is in no position to judge ANYONE! Even my mum just texted to say Danniella is a 'trouble stirring bitch' and just jealous.
Darren even said the thing about Jeremy's locket aggressively. Why is everyone being so mean to Steph? It's so annoying. This lot are so fucking sanctimonious. At least Steph is being real unlike Darren 'I don't fantasise' Day. I'm tired of everyone being the voice of reason, being the morality police. Put a sock in it. We're trying to watch an entertaining programme here.
Danniella is obsessed with being 'mugged off.' I'd just settle for 'mugged.'
I'm glad to see Tiffany happy, she deserves it for being one of the only fun housemates in there. She's annoyed she didn't get to comfort Jeremy in his hour of need - I honestly don't think Jeremy would have been up for it. He's cuntstruck.
So we approach the last week. What pointless twist are they going to throw in to ensure Scotty MTV T wins? Watch this space! We get the winners we deserve. Unfortunately.

Monday, 25 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: The masturbate ball

The show started off slow tonight but then built up to a great climax... ahem. Apologies in advance, there's more jokes like that to come.
So Stephanie wins a facial and massage with the water being off but says no... then yes. So she's selfish, but not as selfish as GC, who didn't think twice.
So Gemma is worried she's 35 and people will think she's weird cos she;s not got kids. No they think you're weird because you're horrible. They understand why you've not got kids because no one in their right mind would sleep with you. I'm 35 and I'd rather die than have kids. John is right, if you really want kids, you go and do it. People who wait for their eggs to dry up need to get on it at our age, and not leave it too late, if that's what they want.
GC s doing reiki on Dal: 'You've got to picture a toilet going out of your colon.' Say what? 'Send love to your colon and imagine poo going down'. Er, or just use the loo like a normal person. The Darren goes for a shit and Gemma walks in on him. CONVENIENT. Big Brother is obsessed with scat.
Scotty T and Christopher moralising about Steremy. Ugh. Mind your own business. Jeremy: 'I can't help the way I feel about her.' Just leave the man alone. I never realised men like him actually talked about women in a nice way. I thought they were more like Scotty T: animals.
Jeremy kissing Stephanie's neck in bed, while Scotty looks down his nose like Norris off Corrie. Stephanie has got a strong eyebrow game. Not so good at managing her personal space.
Tiffany is waiting for someone to cross her so she can start a fight. 'I came here to fight cos that's what I like doing.' I hear you. 'No one is giving me beef.' Imagine Christopher or Darren in the DR saying this stuff.
Steph is worried Sam's not going to be there when she gets out. Steph, come on, now. 'Everything was perfect before this.' Well you're the one who fucked it up. Take some responsibility. The 'house' didn't do it.
I like the fact they're making them do a task which involves some level of skill, even though it's a puking task. They have to drink gross things and guess the ingredients.
I thought it was rigged cos Americans don't eat spam but then I got told on Twitter they invented it or something. Whatever, it's gross.
What's the point in holding your nose when you drink it cos then you can't taste the ingredients?
Tiffany is not happy. I couldn't drink that either.
So Darren is the last person immune. I'd say that's curtains for Danniella or Maloney on Tues. Or could Scotty T go? I always hear he could win it, but why? What's he actually done of any interest?
Ha, so the immune housemates get to uninvite people from the party. Gemma uninvited Chris, Steph did Tiffany and Darren uninvited Danniella. The alienation of Tiffany continues unabated. At least Gemma is trying to include her.
At least they gave the housemates they excluded from the party a drink, and a good job too, or the rest of the episode would have been a wrap. Tiffany is drinking a bottle of prosecco to herself, so she's going to get shitfaced. I've been there.
Danniella, 'Tiffany should just gatecrash the party.' A good plan (especially with Big Brother's complete lack of discipline) but Tiffany has come up with a better one, and is busy frigging herself off drunk in the toilet. Fair play! That will chill her out a bit. Good on her, she is so unapologetically her. I love it. I liked her face when walked out of the loo. I thought I hadn't seen a female housemate masturbate since Sam in the box, but someone reminded me about Kinga. I can't remember who came first now. Boom boom! (sorry)
Female masturbation is something so ignored that it's great to see it even MENTIONED now and again, let alone carried out, if only by implication.
Sexual antics warning coming up, AFTER Tiffany has wanked off. Ha. I suppose that was behind a toilet door.
What the fuck are John and GC doing in the loo? Ho come GC is being bearable tonight? It's awful! I live to hate her. I love the fact she's had no airtime though. She was becoming unwatchable.
I'm glad the boys are including Tiffany now. Those masks give the whole show a bit of an orgy vibe.
Truth or dare! Now Tiffany is finally enjoying herself! A bottle of prosecco, a wank and two snogs (well, four). That's a decent night by anyone's standards. And good for Jeremy - a great mindgame to play on Steph. Let's see how she likes the tables being turned.
Tiffany thinks Scotty would be great at 'eating pussy.' She said 'Jez is a cheeseburger but Scotty's the Big Mac.' Zing! Nice to see them let their hair (and their pants) down.
OMG! Tiffany asked Darren Day if he'd fantasised about cheating on his wife. She's kicking it up a notch! He paused for WAY too long, then said he 'swore on his kids lives he hadn't.' You're allowed to fantasise, Darren. So you're telling me he doesn't look at porn? He's trying too hard to be squeaky clean. I'm not buying it. I prefer Tiffany just being like 'RARRGHHHHH!'
I'm not sure why John is saying 'pull my nightie down when you've finished' or even who to, but it's freaking me out.
I love Scotty T motorboating and snogging Tiffany. Megan who? She must be SEETHING.
Jeremy and Scotty crawling round at Tiffany's feet and her giggling. This is more like it! The mantub could become the gangbang tub!
Tiffany and Scotty in the shower was gold. Tiffany would definitely fuck him. Dear God, her looking at Scotty's dick in the shower, did she grab it, too?! 'It's BIG! That shit would blow my back out. I want to bite it.' OMG! I am speechless. I think Megan's TV just went over.
Uh oh, Jeremy confessing to Stephanie he kissed Tiffany. This is not gonna go well. Fuck this Jeremy and Steph shit, let's see Tiffany and Scotty, at least they're enjoying themselves.
Stephanie: 'I'm nothing to you anyway, we're just pals, you can do what you like.' OK then. Why have you got a face like a slapped arse then? Jeremy is playing her a good 'un.
Jeremy: 'You're allowed to play me like a fool when you've got a boyfriend and I'm not allowed to have a game with the lads.'
Steph: 'I've put so much on the line for you then the one time I'm ill you neck off with someone else.' What is this 'necking off'? She sounds like Austin from #bb17. So is she admitting she's dumped her boyfriend? No, she's STILL hedging her bets!
Jeremy is drunk and getting a bit bolshy. He's annoyed that she wants to marry her boyfriend. He's right though, it is one rule for her and another for him. I think he's right to try and force her hand. Which brings us back to Tiffany... hopefully the winner of CBB 2016. Fingers crossed Danniella will go tomorrow, if not, I'll happily say goodbye to Chris or even Scotty. Hopefully they won't spring any twist crap on us. And aren't more people going in? This could be interesting/shit. Watch this space.

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Big Brother, plz grow some balls

Shit, since I last wrote a blog THREE people have left! It's been a quieter week this week, and still we've lost three. As Emma said, it's lucky they put 16 in. CONVENIENT, you might say if you suspected certain people were on a contract.
So it's a sad goodbye to David Gest (RIP), a fuck you to Angie Bowie (in the paper today saying Bowie strangled her; thought she didn't want to talk to the press?) Apparently she gave up £200,000 to walk. She wasn't worth £200.
I was very pleased to see the housemate evicted was rat-on-the-beach Megan. God, can someone sort out her style, the Princess Anne hair and the Dallas make-up makes her look in her fifties. I was chuffed to see her go instead of a decent housemate like Tiffany or John. I was surprised to see so many people boohooing on Twitter about Megan leaving. She had no redeeming features, thick as fuck, psychotic and a borderline racist. Excuse me if I don't cry my eyes out. Oh, she did have one redeeming feature, I take it back. Her arse cheeks. Or is that two? Either way, see ya.
It's obvious GC was going to stay on eviction night because the idiot general public (t.m. Helen Wood) AND the producers seem to love her despite the fact she is literally blowing up their game by refusing to play it. So then they give her immunity. You can say she picked where to stand but one of the task team could pushed a gold OR white mask up, cos let's face it, the handles they were turning weren't operating the boxes. Jeremy pulled his off (oo-er) and it still popped up. That sentence didn't get any better, did it?
So I suppose the 'top story' apart from GC vs John is Stephanie and Jeremy. I admire Stephanie just because she's the only one standing up to Gemma. Christopher and Darren finally appeared to say a couple of negative things about Gemma, AFTER they heard her get booed. Steph's thrush battle yesterday was revolting in more ways than one. But what was more gross than pigeon shit knickers, or creaming your knickers over Jeremy and admitting it, or knickers being left on the table, or the gang up eyes (redux) is people on Twitter calling Steph a slag. And it's not just the people using that word, it's the whole tone of the self-appointed morality police. They're worse than Scotty T. Who does it actually affect that Steph is 'cheating' (if you can call it that) on her boyfriend on TV? Her boyfriend. How awful for him, etc. But is it affecting your life? No, you're being given content for a TV show you watch. You might not want to watch that; I don't particularly, either, I think it's played out. She's not going to dump her boyfriend and commit to Jeremy, she's keeping her options open and I DON'T BLAME HER. Jeremy could just as easily fuck off back to Ireland. She's got Big Brother Brain and Jeremy is her Big Brother Boyfriend. Her OWN boyfriend has surely dumped her by now. But I don't think Steph can see outside the situation like we can. I think she probably thinks she can patch it up. Maybe she can. And if she can, or she can't, what's it got to do with us? Of course we can comment on the show, and what she's doing and blah blah blah, that's what Twitter and blogs and pods are for. But take a look at yourself, and ask yourself, have you ever done anything wrong in your life? The fact is, the Twitter handwringers are just like GC when she saw Jeremy and Steph under the covers; pleased as fucking punch to have something to be outraged about. So do us all a favour, and get off your high horse (if you're on one). Otherwise, you're no better than John Partridge, ha.
Anyway, in other news I heard GC cut her finger and has been 'rushed to hospital'. Don't rush back. Is it wrong to hope she gets gangrene? She'll probably come back with the Sunday papers and a new wardrobe.
Tiffany has been doing SO WELL lately. Her bathroom convo with John on the live feed over knickergate was one of the weirdest and most compelling things I've seen. Two true gamers in action, hamming it up. Fuck, yes. I think John is great and he must stay to the end. He's so dramatic and totally fake, therefore a great housemate.
So who's writing the warning, cos we've had Highly Offensive, HIGHLY OFFENSIVE and now HIGHLY Offensive language. But which is worse?
Er, why the fuck is Gemma getting a blowdry? Typical selfish bitch move by her there. Why doesn't she just fuck off home if she wants a blowdry? I actually think I hate her more than any other person on Big Brother ever. Is that even possible? The levels of bile runneth over! I spend the entire episode FURIOUS. Can't be healthy. No wonder Chris and Darren are nervous wrecks.
Bossing the hairdresser around, argh! Hold on, is that the stripper from the other night? I note that was cut from the highlights, and not surprised as I thought it was borderline sexual assault. Plus who wants a stripper with a beard? This beard thing must end soon. It's already been going on ten years too long. BEARDS ARE DISGUSTING. SHAVE THEM OFF.
So it's not 'a proper Essex blowdry'. What does that entail, glittery hairspray and a magazine deal at the end of it? Yes, she's still fucking moaning. GC is getting the full Frankie Grande edit from the producers now. They must despise her because she's making them look a fool. She has no respect for Big Brother, won't do tasks, comes and goes as she pleases. Just get a fucking turnstile in and be done with it.
Stephanie informing Jeremy about her required after sex etiquette while holding his hand. Can we just call her relationship done and let them get on with it? Then I can actually enjoy the romance instead of it being a bit grubby. It makes me cringe when I see them together, not because I care, but because I know I'm going to have to unfollow another 20 people on Twitter calling her a slag. And they were people whose opinions I respected, people I liked. And that hurts my feelings.
So here it is, Gemma tried to peel a potato with the sort of knife that should probably be banned in Big Brother and cut her finger 'through to the bone'. Darren: 'That's quite a bit of claret.' Is that you, Danny Dyer? Bleed, bitch, bleed!
Dt Ottoman was in no rush. Let's hope she treats him better than she does her hairdresser. GC has gone to the hospital to get stitches. Imagine how relieved they must all feel. I wonder if we'll ever get to evict her and feel the same way?
I just missed the rules to the task but I guess I'll figure it out. Oh it's like 15 to 1. You answer a question and then knock someone out (not like that, although...). Scotty T thinks Darren might win the whole show. Danniella made Chris lose a life 'cos he's her friend'. Er...?
Tragic that Christopher didn't dare say Gemma was the drama queen of the house. What a fucking wet weekend. He nom-vommed her face to face! He'd been growing on me, too. I hate the words 'man up' but MAN UP has never been more apt in this case.
Scotty T targeting Steph again. With friends like him, who needs enemies? And still he'll win it.
GC threatening Danniella: 'Play it properly then.' Scary. She's like a one-woman mafia.
Gemma's face when Stephanie was being honest about what a cunt she is. Danniella sticking her oar in. What a bitch.
Danniella: 'I want a gift from my kids.' Who said it was that anyway? She's demented. I know she's having a bad day, but Jesus. I read on Twitter the prize was a facial. You can't just make up what prize you want. If you want to see a picture of your kids, go home. I hope your letter from home gets shredded, too.
So Danniella was cool to lose a life when it was Scotty, but not when it was Steph. 'And so you know it.' Gemma's face said she got whatever she wanted. Danniella stormed out the room.
GC (shouting): 'Stop it cos you're a very nasty girl!' Steph hadn't actually said a word. Then Gemma goes, 'She's mugging you off left right and centre' to Jeremy. Then she screams in the kitchen 'She don't let up!' Who? YOU! Steph was just playing the game, participating in the task, an alien concept to you, I know. Disappointed to see Tiffany go with them. She had a duff edit tonight.
Danniella: 'The bird's a fucking bully.' How has Steph bullied anyone? She's the one BEING BULLIED. And I don't use that word lightly, although I generally don't give a shit about that word (unlike slag). Which brings us to:
'You're a fucking slag, love!' Danniella screams, while out of earshot. Really brave. Well you're a washed-up dog. Then they bash out the fire exit and Gemma goes 'they either remove her or we're going.' Um... do you want an Uber or just get the bus?
I love the fact the task just went on after Gemma and Danniella flounced off. Jeremy and Steph are the last two standing and he threw it to her. That was actually a really sweet moment. Whatever you think of Steph, her relationship with Jeremy is real, unlike GC and Danniella's, which is rotten.
So Christopher can see that GC is fucking up Danniella's chances, but will he dare say it to anyone but Darren? The chainsmoking chickens in the corner! They should have a sign up in the corner saying 'Spines not required'. Christopher is right, GC is playing Danniella. That sums it up completely. I'd really warmed to Christopher after that jungle task, but I'm really fed up with him when he won't stand up and be counted. If he DOES, he could go deep.
The housemates are playing charades when the miserable cows re-enter. I'm shocked they don't even get a warning from Big Brother. They looked very cheerful in the DR. They are MUGGING OFF Big Brother (and us watching). Gemma doesn't mind going in a cage now. That claustrophobia clears up quickly, doesn't it?
Then they come back in and say sorry to Jeremy, but not Steph. It's just wrong. That felt horrible.
I'm really pleased Steph has immunity but less of the 22-year-old girl crap. She's right to feel aggrieved, though. She's not 'over thinking it'. She understands it completely. She gets it.
There was a bit with John getting involved (never!) and Tiffany summing it all up in the DR but that doesn't really need repeating. 
Danniella then apologised. I do think Danniella is just a basketcase in with the wrong crowd. Her apology seemed genuine - I think she's just missing her kids, but no need to be sexist.
Gemma to Steph: 'Giwls have gotta stick togevver.' Ok then. Steph seems to be hinting she's done with her boyfriend now. About time. I wish she'd just say it outright.
Random moment of the night: Tiffany to Darren: 'You're such a force in here. You're so sexy and masculine.' A force! He's less than a drip. Darren thinks she's on a task but he's 'very flattered.' Tiffany thought he was 30! Hahaha. Darren: 'I'm happily married.' LOL. He's not trying to be a love rat in there, Tiffany. All I can think is Darren Day smells great or something. Women just fall at his feet. But in reality, he must smell like Rothmans.
Don't forget to listen to Big Brother Bile, it's going a bit stale now, but should be a fresh episode early next week: Bit on the snide
Cheers for reading. Goodnight! 

Friday, 15 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Lip Sync Prattle

 OMG I can't actually listen to this rat screeching again. Is it a double tonight? I can't believe she's not up. She would stay anyway, because those moronic people going 'ooh ooh' would vote for her. I'm sure she or Scotty T will win as their show starts on MTV next week. I'm onto you, Ted-demol. Plus that bedwetter won.
Who's doing Emma's hair these days, Donald Trump?
At least they've got their hashtag in check, I hate #cbb2016 even though I've been doing it like a mug.
I honestly think Nancy/Angie will go as they've had zilch airtime the past two days. A noms twist? I'm definitely not voting.
Why is Gemma getting cheers? I knew Jeremy would. Must be the Aquafresh crew in the crowd. They fucking love watching him brush his teeth while wearing his coat. Really turns them on.
Megan's hangover must be REAL. So everyone today is going 'Megan has a point, she just expressed it badly.' Er... there's expressing something badly and there's turning into a fucking banshee on crack.  She is POISON.
A few people seem annoyed with John now. Danniella; 'A few people sit in corners and load the gun.'
John has stirred the pot but it's NOTHING compared to what Megan did yesterday. I am still agog she's even in the house.
Stephanie 'doesn't remember' kissing Jeremy, ha. Good one. A friend of mine pulls that one after a few drinks and ends up in a strange woman's bed.
Oh Danniella is saying Gemma 'loads the gun', I thought she meant John.
Megan's warning: Aggressive. So she was aggressive, racist, hit the camera, had a go at Big Brother and she's still there. Megan is still arguing with Big Brother! OMG. Get the hint. Then Tiffany got a warning for 'rising out of bed'. Stupid. Big Brother is racist. Keeps a racist in the house and has a go at a black person. Typical!
If I was a housemate I'd be SHOCKED to see her back. Megan is back and still 'agged': 'From what I remember...' Don't think that's going to stand up in a court of law. Darren: 'Tiffany was the one who got out of bed.' Grow some balls, man! God, what a shrew. I really want to like him, but he just agrees with whoever he's talking to.
Megan is trying to explain to Tiffany in her sober state that she's not a nutbag. Too late, man, too late.
Gemma: 'Megan, you did nuffink wrong last night.' Psycho enabler.
Megan: 'Maybe because I was drunk last night I wasn't explaining it right.' You could say that. You know, calling her a 'ghetto cunt' and all that. Megan is the epitome of white trash, btw.
John: 'It was nothing to do with me.' What about 'clearing up shit' gate? Christopher Maloney needs more airtime. Along with Gest.
Gemma: 'People have smelt the shit and woken up to it.' Most of it is coming out of your mouth.
John can't believe how people manipulate in there, cos he thought it was just him doing it, ha.
Who's more intelligent, a lemon in a sock or Scotty T? Can we vote for the lemon in a sock to win?
Megan 'aint disrespecting Big Brother.' She hasn't ruined my view on her, I thought she was scum and she IS scum. If she's ever read a book, then I'd be fucking shocked.
OK a new task, lip sync battle. Hey, isn't that on in a minute? Tricksy! Guess what, I still won't be watching. Fuck you, C5. Scotty T thinks it's fun though, so that's the main thing. What's the point of a task with no shitstir aspect? At least give us some outside contact, lol.
Shit, Christopher Maloney in drag looks like Dobby from Peep Show (illustrated above, like Smash Hits).
I like the song Bonkers. Jeremy doesn't seem to know the words. He's lost without his toothbrush. David thinks it was 'absolutely fantastic.' Once Ash Harrison said those words and the next day, Armageddon happened. Go figure.
I'm not sure what Jonathan would say if he could see Gemma's outfit today, but I think it might be 'eek.'
I forgot to watch Nancy and Angie because... weeeeeeelll.
Isn't it great to see them having fun? No. Well it's OK, Gemma's here to ruin it. 'We're not mugs, we're from Essex.'
Haha, when you're so common you think John Patridge is posh. *embarrassed face emoji* David Gest is trying to stop Gemma and Megan winding each other up. Gemma: 'I want to know what the wink meant.' It means John thinks you're a pair of cunts.
If Darren keeps hanging out with Gemma he will go down in my estimation BADLY. The fact Gemma and Megan hate John is making me like John again. There's a lot of ups and downs with this show. But then someone reminded me about him trying to get Tiffany out by force. But still, at least he's not Gemma or Megan. It's a scale here.
Stephanie is worried she might get booed. She'll be lucky if she's not burnt at the stake in slutshame Britain.
Ooh Angie's jacket is rather fab. Stephanie is getting some cheers. Things have changed since the Hazel days, haven't they? And Hazel was in Jeremy's position, if you get my meaning. Get who out? Get John out! OMG. Do people like Darren that much, ha? The good part will be seeing him to try and change up his game and failing. Aw. What about his musical in Northampton?
And why not 'get Megan out'?! Is the idiot general public really that dumb? (Yes)
Did Gemma have the most votes to save?! WTF. I AM NOT ON THE SAME PLANET AS YOU PEOPLE. I knew Stephanie was safe. One of the oldies will go. I'm glad they keep Jeremy waiting at least. He'll have time to brush his teeth again, at least. Mmm, sexy! (blergh)
And we're back in the room. Why is Nancy getting booed? She's done nothing. Not even nothing wrong, just nothing. I would have prefered her to stay over Angie. She had more to offer. We didn't even get to hear her slag off Ulrika. I would have enjoyed that.
I find Nancy strangely classy and interesting, or intriguing at least. Emma is talking to her like she's an idiot.
Nancy: 'Some situations it's not even worth it to have an opinion.' True. Pretty boring interview, really. 'Too polite to stay in the house.' True. It was so random when she picked Scotty T FTW. I think those two had a bit of a thing.
Nancy's 'friends and family' looked like Jason Statham.
Oh God, don't let these cunts choose. They're letting Gemma, Angie, Jeremy and Stephanie vote. WHY! WHY!!!
All the old people will be nominated. Darren, John, Gest. Ooh Angie nommed Kristina but took so long she didn't give a reason. Gemma nommed John for nomming Darren. What a smug bitch.
Jeremy nommed Tiffany. Stephanie nommed Danniella. Christopher Maloney was lucky to not get nommed! Good stuff. I'm glad Gest and Darren weren't nommed either. Kristina will go. DISGUSTING that Megan is not up. I fucking HATE Megan and Gemma. Pond life look down on these two. Pond life look like Nancy Dellollio compared to these two.
PS: Sorry to keep you waiting with the podcast, James has been ill and also doing some overtime so we're a bit behind schedule. We'll be back on air(time) on Monday or Tuesday. Also should be on track to do regular pods after that as his shifts will work out better. The next one should be pretty packed, I'd imagine, like an episode of Sistah Speak, late but long! Thanks for your patience!
PPS: I like Emma's coat. That's the only good thing I have to say about her.

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: 'I'm casting for Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4'

I am so angry about Big Brother at the moment. Last night's live feed was an abomination. Whoever put Megan in the house, is despicable, worse than Donald Trump. She is an alcoholic skank, and if skank is sexist, then I'm a sexist cos she's a skank. And Scotty T is a whore. There you go, I evened it out. Who thought putting Ratatouille's answer to Princess Anne in the house was a good idea.
I'm also annoyed I can't do the podcast and won't be able to for a few days. My Big Brother stars are not aligned. Without Jonathan, what's the point? He actually did a really good interview on the Lorraine show and came across quite normal. He described David Gest as 'looking like he has rigor mortis anyway.' Ha.
Tiffany: 'I don't have puppet tendencies. I played the puppet game.' Big Brother isn't really taking any shit this year. He's like, 'whatever, jog on.' Ha, 'jog on' always reminds me of Saskia and Maxwell. 'Jog on' probably isn't still going anymore.
Gemma is such a wooden spoon. I wish she would matchmake her own coffin.
SHIT STIR TASK. Who said what about who, ha. This is going to go well. I love the way Nancy doesn't give a shit.
Ha, they said Tiffany said she was sexually attracted to Jeremy, haha.Tiffany is embarrassed and shouting again. 'I wanted to fuck you the minute I saw you. I did want some of that. But I didn't want people to know that.' Er.
Ha, Jeremy denying the 'it's more than friends, it's obvious quote' and trying to put it on Scotty T and Megan. Stephanie: 'Thanks for ruining my relationship, Big Brother.' Is it the editing?
Tiffany not happy about the shoes. SHOE RAGE. 'I don't need your fucking shoes, I don't need shit from you, bitch.'
Kristina is a blatant racist, as just pointed out by Victor Ebuwa. 'Go back to the states' sounds like what Jade said to Shilpa. Also, Kristina doesn't mind all these other bitches shouting, just the black woman. Why don't you go back to Russia, I might say, if I was a racist.
Jeremy: 'Everybody needs to calm the fuck down.' When a black woman says that (Toya) she gets evicted.  RACISM SECTION.
Stephanie: 'I thought I was an alright person, but I'm obviously not.' Correct. You're an arse.
Tiffany: 'I hope Gemma goes home tomorrow so I can turn on her on the way out. She is a fat cunt.'
Why are they filming Tiffany so close up in the DR? 'Old maiden type of shoes. Gemma is a disgrace to humanity and women.' True. 'Someone lied to her and told her she was sexy.' Hahaha! Ouch.
Jeremy is dumping Stephanie now and she's crying. God, I hope they both go tomorrow, and take their cue cards with them.
Gemma 'doesn't want to play anymore games.' You're in Big Brother, bitch, the whole thing's a game. It's only a gameshow, etc. Gemma: 'It's like working for 2 days on the trot.' Ha.
So they've lost the luxury budget but they have a chance to win it somehow (I'm not sure of the rules and stuff). There's buttons involved. Send in Conor/ Marlon.
Megan is obsessed with food and alcohol. She should be in the Kardashians. Gemma: 'It's all a fix.' Finally someone in the house says it, ha.
Megan kicking off about beer now.
David Gest is after Rylan's hair, lol. Gest needs more airtime.
Megan is a spoilt little runt, she wins the task, she's still not happy. What does make it happy? Fucking on telly while her granddad died, that's about it, I hear.
Stephanie: 'Thank you Big Brother for ruining my relationship. I'm a working class, down to earth girl.' But what about when she ripped up that picture of the Pope?
So what was the following argument about? Does anyone know? Why is Megan so angry all the time? 'I clean your shit up!' Clean the shit out of your mouth, you dirty fucking rat. Gemma: 'She's a sweet thing.' Er.
Megan is actually mentally deranged. How many drinks did she have? One and a half? This fucking twat will probably win it. I thought her neck vein was gonna pop. Her neck vein has just become the housemate replacing Jonathan. 
John is getting the hump with Megan. Megan's days are numbered cos John is a true gamer. Hold on, is Megan sticking up for Tiffany?
'MY NAME IS JOHN NOT JONATHAN.' Yeah cos Jonathan was entertaining. John is upset at the suggestion he shits on the toilet seat, I think.
Megan 'respects people on a serious level.' She is breaking my volume control. Truly a scary young woman.
Megan is deranged. She's sticking up for Tiffany and Tiffany still wants to knock her block off. Good people skills.
This is less fight night, and more fright night. She came for John, even though he didn't send for her, ha.
I love the fact Tiffany is like 'she's just dranken too much' even though Megan was just shouting in her face. Tiffany knows. She knows the game.
I love the fact Stephanie is still going on in the diary room while all this crap goes on and then Big Brother kicks her out, many lols.
Gemma then STOKES UP the Megan insanity hating on John. Megan: 'Fuck off, you little cunt.' She is the only person I hate for saying the word 'cunt.' I love David Gest in the middle.
'He looks at me like I'm a piece of shit.' A piece of shit is more appealing. 'Your fucking eyebrows pointing at me like that.' WTF. It's like they put Nikki Grahame in a blender with the fuckin' HULK. She IS possessed! Except this time Kristina is laughing cos it's not a black woman kicking off.
Jeremy thinkings this is a good time to brush his teeth, I note.
Why does Gemma think this is a good time to tell Darren he's got no balls? Why is everyone always on Darren's case?! Poor sod.
When Megan said 'If I told you to calm down in a Geordie Shore moment' to Scotty, I think that said it all. She's probably been paid to act like this on day X.
Megan: 'Tiffany is licking the shit out of John's arsehole!' Then she comes to the DR. I have a headache at this point. Big Brother is quite pissed off with Megan. Maybe you shouldn't have cast this demented rat? Just a thought. Put some clothes on, Megan.
Tiffany: 'Gemma is just trash. She likes drama.'
Oh Ok, so Stephanie is getting off with Jeremy now. Well I guess that clears that up. NOT A NICE PERSON. Ha. She should have just fucked him or at least slept in bed with him. No point getting dumped for just a snog. In for a penny, in for a pound!
Gemma: 'Megan has done nothing wrong with what she's said this evening, trust me.' Er... no.
Megan, don't fuck with the fixtures and fittings, bitch. OMG security have come in to remove Megan from the DR! BUT THEY DIDN'T EJECT HER! WHAT THE FUCK! Aaron Frew got the boot for a bit of hi-jinks and they're letting this thing act like this? Absolutely disgusting. I am appalled. Also 'ghetto cunt'. RACIST. GROSS. I feel sick.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Smoke and mingers

I heard more about Big Brother today at work, on TV and on the radio than I have since Nasty Nick packed up his old kit bag. The airtime was real, baby. We talked about it at work non-stop. I miss those days, when people cared. I have to remind myself that was a long time ago. Big Brother is like a failing relationship. There's a few of us just clinging on, but the glory days are long gone. Like, a decade ago.
Puppet task! Everyone hates puppets. So they've teamed up all the people who hate/fancy each other. So does Christopher Maloney have to be the new Jonathan now? Due to medical reasons David can't take part. Because he's like, dead. That little spare room is sneaky, isn't it! 
Tiffany apologising to John: 'I get beside myself sometimes.' John: 'I know this is how you make your money.' SHUT UP. Patronising twerp. Tiffany is all sweet and cowed. Damn right, Angie can be a pain in the arse. Let's be frank, that fight was caused by Angie's astronomical ego. The rest was stoked up by John. The end.
Megan's stupid rant and then Big Brother going 'Alright Megan, if there's nothing else.' Big Brother is being quite rude/sassy this year. Mmm, sausage sandwiches! Fuck you, Megan. I'd imagine getting off with Scotty T is 'like being served up sick in a bowl' so just go back to that disgusting well for a slug.
John patronising Darren about watching what he says is quite ironic as John is the one who is shitting himself about public perception. Who died and made John HOH?
Puppet shit stir task. Hold on, are people saying Tiffany is the most BORING! I can't understand what's going on with this task. I don't know who's who or what's what. They need to make the outfits more distinct for old people like me.
Smoking is all Darren has got, lol. Poor sod. This mean tweets aint that mean.
Stephanie is a gobby twat or whatever it said and Megan does have a face like a smacked arse.
Standard puke task now. Do we have to? I know all the I'm a Celeb freaks are in there, but please. I can't.
I see David climbed out of the grave to nominate. At least Megan nominated John for alienating Tiffany. Who'd have thought she could see that clearly?
Was surprised Scotty T and Gemma nommed Stephanie. Scotty T pretending to have morals, ha.
Quite a split vote, really. A few surprising ones, too. The noms were too quick. Would have liked to have seen more of them. Feel like I've seen nothing of Kristina or Nancy in weeks.
So John's F2F noms. The Angie nom 'for her her own good' was a bunch of crap. The John nom for Darren was sneaky so I'm glad he is irked. When was Darren a 'happy go lucky guy'?! He went in the house looking like the bastard child of a basset hound and Gary Barlow. He's 'picked up habits in the house' that Darren wants to make clear is smoking and not drinking or doing piles of charlie (although all the nose rubbing?!). What's it got to do with John if Darren's smoking? Angie: 'Sounds like a good friend.' Uh? Out of all the people he could have nominated, it makes no sense. It reminds me of James's nom for Austin 'to teach him a lesson.' To take out the competition, more like.
Nancy, Stephanie, Angie, Jeremy and Gemma are up. Don't care who goes out of those but I'd like Nancy to stay as she's the only one I'd like to see more of.
'Angie, do you think you've learnt anything from John's noms?' 'Yeah, he's a true gamer.'
Darren 'just cos I smoked 25/30 fags cos I had a stressful day.' But whose fags were they? You can't give up smoking and take up smoking with other people's fags. They get ANGRY. But the big question is, roll ups or real ones?
The 'as a friend' nomination is the cruellest of all. So Darren talks to John and John gets on his high horse AGAIN! What a drama queen. He is one fake ass bitch. This is GREAT for Darren's game. Hugging John he should have stuck a knife in his back. He's had to stand, watching people drink, like a more bearable Chloe-Jasmine.
'With the smoke goes the drink, with the drink goes the drugs,' says Gemma. Where do you get the drugs from on BB? Dr Ottoman? Ted?
OMG Gemma is digging up the the past. You shouldn't meddle with those parent/child rifts, those things run DEEP. Angie pronounced it 'Zoe'. So that's ZOE BOWIE (or Duncan, as he's known now).
DAVID'S ALIVE! Not that one, silly. He's been in his cryogenic chamber. David asking Stephanie to take her hair down - creepy! He is funny though. The house needs his energy, I think. It needs something. Electric shock suits?
Tiffany is unimpressed with instant potatoes. Dog food is appropriate for Megan.
Stephanie came in to turn things round, but unfortunately she's a cunt on Hollyoaks, at the Vatican and in the Big Brother house. Darren Day is all like 'fuck it, forget abaht it.'
Ha, a party is going on and Nancy is dancing with Jeremy. I love the way she always looks smug. She's like a more likeable Kristina. Stephanie and rat face not invited.
Darren has beaten 2 class A drug addictions and a class B drug addiction. Poor Darren, he's not even allowed to have a smoke now. What were the two class A drugs? I can only think of coke and heroin. I think E is class A but non-addictive, unless you count enjoying that feeling where you use up all your happiness for life in your 20s and then spend the rest of your life crying. I suppose that could have been addictive at the time, ha.
Megan's tantrums are boring. She seems like a complete cunt. I enjoyed Stephanie laughing at her. 'It's not fair.' No, what's not fair is you ruining my TV show. Stick to your own unintelligible kind! I wish she was available to be evicted. I don't see why she isn't.
Ugh, what an anti-climax that was. They had so much opportunity to build their audience share from people who would be watching just out of curiosity today, but they don't care, so the audience doesn't care. It's a shame. Also, no podcast at the moment as James is ill, so we're completely missing being able to comment on David-gate. Also, my blog is miserable. Also, blah. Good night.

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Is there life on Marbs?

So this is the one the producers have been waiting for, the double whammy of grief-jockeying and Cheban flouncing out. And it starts off hilariously, with the highlights of Tiffany thinking David Gest was dead. AMAZING.
So Angie is staying in the house to 'avoid the press'. They'll still be there when she comes out. Big Brother sounded a bit cold with her and like he wanted to get rid of her, I thought. What gives, BB, why not send a nice friendly BB voice in to pass on death news? Heartless.
'THE STARDUST IS GONE.' So they call Christian and David Gest up to comfort Angie. Lucky Angie told David Gest that David died first so he didn't get confused. Christian's immediately like: 'How did he die?' wanting to get all the goss and then declaring it 'a private matter'. He is the most high handed housemate I've seen since Ulrika Jonsson. Also, a bit off topic, but is 65 too old for pigtails?
Mum's the word, OK? Remember that.
OMG so David Gest is unwell (and advised by Big Brother to rest, I note, are they trying to set this up?) and in bed so this is how the confusion starts. Classic.
Angie is partly to blame for this nonsense for presuming people know who she means when she says, 'David.'
Angie: 'You can't say a word. David's dead.'And then Tiffany starts whooping and hollering and drops into Angie's arms. Did Angie just think Tiffany was a really big fan of Labyrinth or what? The screaming and theatrics were just amazing. 'ARE YOU SERIOUS?' Then she cuts to 'I know you're joking?' It's like seeing a one woman am-dram performance.
Angie: 'It just happened now. Of cancer. Please stay calm.' Tiffany: 'We've got to get everybody together. I need a drink.' Doesn't she think Big Brother might announce it if David Gest was dead, or at least remove his dead body from the bedroom, hahaha! Call Dr Ottoman!
This is the best farce and the funniest first ten minutes of Big Brother I've EVER seen. Just magically comical and stupid in every way, and of course, deeply bleak, which makes it even funnier.

Tiffany's reaction! Oh my days. I was CRYING with laughter.
So then she runs to the garden going 'I can't keep this a secret. David is dead.' Christopher Maloney's face is worth a pause alone. The way Darren ran in from the garden! OMG. Still Angie doesn't know what she's done (or failed to do... say the word 'Bowie')
Darren pulling the covers back and showing Christopher Maoloney. 'He's here, look.' Hahahahaa! David Gest must be like WTF. I don't think the poor fucker said a word!
Then Tiffany runs at Angie like a rhino. Daniella: 'You told her David was dead with cancer. He's in there asleep.' You could not make this up. So good. People on Twitter all pissing and moaning about the disrespect; FFS, it's funny! It's farcical! I expected the episode to be one way and it was ENTIRELY another! PLUS Angie hasn't spoken to Bowie in years, and the first NIGHT she put him on blast. It's not like her son died. It's her ex who she's not seen in years. Get some perspective here.
To be fair to Angie, she did not say 'David Gest', Tiffany just presumed it, and Angie obviously thinks there's only one David on earth so you can see how the misunderstanding occurred especially with David Gest in bed (on Ted's orders, ahem).
Daniella: 'David Bowie's not dead either.' Er... he is, actually.
Tiffany: 'I thought he died in the diary room.' Hahahaha!
Why then do things turn to eveyone rounding on Tiffany to try and get her out of there? Daniella started it with 'she needs to be taken out of here' (or did she mean about Angie?) It's edited so badly I can't tell.
Christian must be gutted he was in the shower when the main row kicked off. He jumped out QUICK SMART! So he saw NONE OF IT and then he starts laying down the fucking law. 'It's not my place to tell you this...' he says, telling her it.
Tiffany made a good point about outside contact and the newspapers. Tiffany is really embarrassed, I think. 'Get out of my fucking face' to Darren.
It's a comedy of errors, alright, hahaha.
Who, Tiffany? She's in the garden giggling.
Darren Day does have a cup of tea permanently welded to his hand, ha. Even when he's trying to comfort the grieving.
OMG everyone in the house is crying. Darren seems good in a crisis. John is INTERMINABLE. He's no longer Christian to me.
Who IS HE declaring people have to go? 'We don't feel safe with her...' It' NOT UP TO YOU BITCH. She didn't break any rules. She misunderstood something, got embarrassed and shouted a bit. Get a fucking grip, mate. Don't feel safe. What are you, a little pussyhole?
John: 'People are disgusted, freaked out or scared.' Tiffany was right, they were all sitting round giving her evils. 'Gang up eyes.' It was gang up eyes! Bullies.
John: 'People are going to go if you stay.' Fuck off then, there's the door, mate. What about your mum's care home fees? Shut up then, you're staying. Sit your arse down.
Tiffany: 'I'm not apologising to that old bitch, absolutely fucking not.' Gemma: 'I want my shoes back.' Tough shit, bitch! Get your priorities straight, David Bowie has died. Show some respect.
Big Brother to Tiffany: 'There's no need to shout at Big Brother.' I loved her 'they're gonna have to get me evicted cos I'm not a quitter' speech. That's what I'm talking about! You go girl!
Angie: 'I just want her gone.' IT'S NOT UP TO YOU. Why don't YOU go, if you're so upset?
Why is Jeremy always brushing his teeth in inappropriate places? And with his coat on; again!
Jonathan wants to leave as he's not finding the funniest thing that happened in the house all week funny. His parting words to Gemma: 'You know how I feel about pink.' I want to see Jonathan round Gemma's house and eating out in Essex's finest eateries. Joanthan doesn't want to be 'in a house in complete disarray.' It's Big Brother, baby!
Thank God Tiffany is immune. She earned her fees alone in ONE EPISODE.
I'm glad Nancy comforted Tiffany at least. Tiffany: 'We don't even get the papers in here.' Give it a couple of years.
Meanwhile John and Daniella are up on their Eastenders soap boxes. 'We either decide that we're going to go or we live in this mess.' You're going NOWHERE, stop pissing and moaning. He is one sanctimonious motherfucker.
David Gest has kept the lowest profile EVER this episode, apart from, you know, the obvious, ha.
Jonathan has one eye on the door. He's using this whole thing as an excuse to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. So if Bowie hadn't died, would we still have Jonathan?
Joanathan: 'I'll be in Essex eating. Oh God, you know how I feel about pink. I like everything dark.' Especially the mirrors, I bet.
Jonathan: 'My time here has expired.' He was probably only on a week's contract.
Miserable Big Brother couldn't even be bothered to persuade Jonathan to stay. Shame, he was a great housemate (even though he inexplicably blocked me, what gives, Jonathan?!)
I do believe he actually 'really clicked' with GC. I'm surprised. I'm glad he went back in and said his goodbyes rather than slinking off like me at the pub. It was a nice thing to do. 'Thank you and goodbye.' That was quite understated. I hope he goes to Essex. I don't think he will, though.
Darren Day bringing it back to Bowie and the music industry in the pod with Angie. Darren is playing a blinder tonight. He could win it you know. He seems so much more genuine than John.
When Christopher Maloney is the only one on your side, you're fucked. I can't believe I was team Maloney when he was trying to comfort Tiffany. 'I'll get it sorted.' he says. Cut to him not getting it sorted whatsoever and Christian getting on his high horse. What's with all these specific timings this year, 'in 15 to 20 minutes?' John is not interested: 'She's had enough airtime.' You should know, you invented the fucking word.
I'm not discussing David and Jeremy's 'date' or Scotty T and Princess Anne. Not in an episode that good.
Was quite good when Tiffany apologised and Angie was really decent about it. I like it when people can be completely mental and then just make up like that, it's a good quality to have in a person. Like Austin Armacost.
Darren Day explaining pulling the covers off David Gest to checking if he was dead or not in the DR was deadpan comedy gold. 'For 30 seconds there I thought David Gest was dead.' OMG.
Gemma telling Tiffany to stay calm DISGUSTED ME. Who does she think she is?! 'You're not on your reality show now, dear.' You're not on YOUR reality show either m'DEAR, so why don't you fuck off back to Essex?' As for her tea and coffee bullshit, that is pure nonsense. 'Tea and coffee is everything.' It isn't. I hate people who go on about tea and coffee all the time, boring. Give me the grand. 'I'm marking your card.' GET TO FUCK. I reckon her and John think they're going to win it. I so hope they're wrong.
Wow, what a rollercoaster! Tiffany or Darren Day FTW.

Monday, 11 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Catch that baby, set him free

Fuck! I don't blog for two days and David Bowie drops dead and Jonathan Cheban walks. I thought he was just actressing! Angie remains in the house, because airtime is airtime and she probably hasn't spoken to Bowie in 30 years. Still, RIP! David Bowie was the Goblin KING. Did Endemol/ the producers/ Ted know Bowie was dying, and cynically put Angie in the house anyway? Weeeeeeeeelll, I wouldn't put it past them; would you?
David Bowie seems too young to die. I only watched his creepy new video on Friday night, and Emma wished him a happy 69th birthday on Friday's show. I guess he wasn't watching his ex wife slag him off from the hospice. I don't think any of this is going to help the mother/son relations with Angie and Zowie, do you?
So less depressingly, why did Jonathan walk, especially on a day when he's always going to be second billing? Was it the Nescafe? Was it the beans on toast? Was it the relentless drone of GC? Probably all of the above. He's probably in a Holiday Inn right now, sipping on a cappuccino and checking his Twitter. Please remind me to stop betting on Big Brother. I have only ever won when I bet on Rylan.
Ugh, now all we're gonna get stuck with is a bunch of fake ass showmances! That's the worst.
Angie comparing Big Brother to Guantanamo Bay. Bit strong.
Darren Day upset that Robbie Williams rang up under an assumed name and tried to steal Anna Friel off him. All he has is a trail of celebrity girlfriends behind him. You don't hear so much about Anna Friel these days, do you?
Pizzagate seems hollow with the knowledge that Jonathan has gone. Jonathan: 'Mind your own fucking business.' I feel empty. I liked Nancy's 'I've never been a mum to anybody.' Jonathan: 'You're not the boss of the pizza.' Who is the boss of the pizza, Michaelangelo? Why did Hollyoaks start holding Jonathan's hand halfway through that row? She's rampant. She's too hot for Hollyoaks, even the late night one.
So Jonathan is put in charge of assigning presents to keep his arse in line, but it didn't work, I guess.
Ooh Jonathan gave Tiffany immunity! That's cool. He could have given himself immunity but he gave himself a massage. I guess he really didn't want to stay after all.
So they have to catch their presents. I quite liked that as a gimmick. Gemma seemed a bit ungrateful about the takeaway (probably because she can't catch) Kristina acted like a spoilt brat. David Gest: 'A Liza Minnelli CD', LOL. Spider following, ha. David Gest is full of shit. I wonder what his real personality is? I bet he doesn't even know.
Oh so they don't know Jonathan picked the pressies for them. Ha.
I'm glad Tiffany caught her immunity. God, imagine if it was one of the thick squad? I would be crap at catching things.
Jonathan caught his massage. I actually like this as a task. Ha I'm glad John/Christian has to do face to face noms. Now we'll see what game he's playing. He'll pick a safe option, I'm sure. At least we know it won't be all face to face noms now.
Tiffany fancies Darren so much she wouldn't mind if he cheated on her. She sounds like his ideal girlfriend. Tiffany's not in her element. She needs a drink so she could talk to these idiots 'then she could talk to a hole in the wall' (or fuck a hole in the wall, I think). Fair enough.
I s Bahamia a thing? Tiffany: 'Warm blooded people tend to like alcohol.' That's true. Reptiles prefer babies blood.
Ha I just saw a tweet from Stephanie's man-bunned boyfriend saying he's dumped her. Her agonising is more enjoyable now.
Tiffany talking about Jonathan's dick. 'It's thick, he's going to give you a mouthful.' Honestly I have never in my life had a conversation with female friends like this. It's alien to me. Plus, about JONATHAN. Just, no.
Ha now they've revealed Jonathan doled out the presents. This is going to go down like a sack of shit.
Nancy is not keen on going to jail. Jonathan is pretending he doesn't know what incarceration means, ha. He's playing the Megan card!
Kristina seems so stuck up, she doesn't ever seem to have anything positive to say.
How is Darren going to continually rub his nose with boxing gloves on?
Hold on, Danniella is spelt with two n's?! WTF. I am agog. All this time I've been spelling it wrong. All. this. time. She's got the Austin Armacost treatment but she doesn't look as hot invisible as him.
Stephanie is sobbing about her BF in the DR. Do you think they'll tell her he's dumped her? Probably. Hold on, she fancies Justin Bieber?! This girl is unredeemable.
I don't think Jeremy loves her, he doesn't even respect her. He's just a dirty dog who wants to fuck her.
Nancy is calling for her lawyer in jail. Isn't she a lawyer? Better call Saul.
Scotty T judging Stephanie for her behaviour when we know he's riddled. Stephanie hasn't actually got off with Jeremy. She just, you know, wants to.
Jeremy freaking out about kissing Tiffany and making her kiss Scotty T in case Stephanie finds out. Now Scotty T is kissing Megan! What a slutbucket. Him, not her!
Jeremy does fancy Stephanie then. If he really liked her he would respect her boundaries/boyfriend etc. But he just wants to get his end away. I *almost* feel sorry for her.
So they are shamelessly showing us a clip from tomorrow. Hold on, I thought they were telling Angie in private! It's pretty crass, isn't it? Tawdry.
PS: Here's the podcast we did last night, when David Bowie was still alive. What a difference a day makes.

Friday, 8 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Some of my friends are gay

Fucking hell, I was just watching the end of the live feed from yesterday and Christian (John Partridge, whatever) just invited Jonathan to go and see his musical IN NORTHAMPTON. Yes you are reading this correctly, Jonathan is coming to my home town, Northampton. Hope he brings Scott Disick, he would fucking love the Roadmender. OMG my head is going to explode at this news. However, the article I read also said they may be letting Christian LEAVE THE HOUSE to rehearse IN NORTHAMPTON. This is like Rylan's X Factor tour rehearsals all over again. But in Northampton. OMG. I am agog. Stop the press.
Anyway, there was some more good stuff on the live feed but I'll save some nuggets for the podcast, which is unfortunately not going to be happening until Sunday as I'm on my tod tonight. Drinking alone, and probably shouting at the TV. Good times.
So I spoke to my mum today and she thinks Christopher Maloney and Daniella used to be a couple. Will you tell her or shall I? She was probably shitfaced on her two for a fiver bottles of wine while watching.
I'm worried Winston will stay on a vote to save? Am I mad?
'David is volumising his hair' or 'head' as Gemma said. OMG the Irish thicko just made me laugh with his 'did you get your money back on your hair transplant' to David. LOLs. He's my fave thicko now.
Angie: 'I was addicted to heroin and I called my gynaecologist to inject me with valium. It was no big deal.' Angie and her son seems like a sad story. I don't even have anything funny to say about that. 
Nancy doesn't like being perved on my the creepy Winston. Don't blame her. Meanwhile he tells Tiffany she's allowed to eat a sandwich but not a blamanche while keeping her body in shape. Very gallant. 'If we were in here for two weeks you'd fall in love with me. If you coul get your body in shape you could have so much more work.'
Daniella is NOT forgiving Christopher one bit. He has been disloyal. She is like the mafia. I wouldn't fuck with her. She is NOT happy. He's fucked man, he needs to sleep with one eye open. She HATES HIM.
Winston get a warning for being a sexist pig. He's so offensive I don't even find him offensive, really. It's just too ridiculous. 'Lacivious', that's a big word, Big Brother, don't make Megan spell it, whatever you do. 'Nancy was getting undressed right next to my bed and making a big deal of it!' Victim blame, much? 'If they want to stay on the shop floor and act that way.' THE SHOP FLOOR! Think about that for a minute. Then he runs to all the dummies in the house and goes 'have I ever groped you?' Fuck off. The fact those two thick bitches don't think he's inappropriate says it all. They are self-sexists.
Stephanie blaming someone for 'saying something as it's risky to Winston.' Shut the fuck up.
Kristina is sharing 'very private news' on Big Brother. Has there ever been a pregnant woman in the Big Brother house before? Except Makosi, of course. Oh, Kimberly. I'd forgotten that as she wasn't a human. They cut that a bit short anyway. Too happy, probably. They want to show more arguments.
Winegate! A Big Brother staple. Poor Nancy, she's getting fucked about from every angle. Note it was all the cunts drinking the wine. Megan 'did not mean to do it in a bad way.' Go through someone's stuff and nick things. It's like Alicia's bananas all over again. I liked the fact Christian said Nancy can say what she wants about calling Megan a little girl. Stephanie is a twat as well. The way she jumped in was so annoying. I knew she was rotten. She's a bad egg.
Ah, a classic Big Brother shitstir task. I loved Jonathan calling Scotty a barbarian for sleeping with 1000 women. Is that like David Gest's 1000 cousins? Can you imagine if a woman said it? He must be riddled. Jonathan is the only person who can read so is quizmaster. All the UK people have the mental age of three year olds. Still, at least they can cook.
Kristina plugging her book during the task, ha. Please, let me never hear the words 'David Gest' and 'oral sex' in the same sentence again. I can't. I'm getting Michael Douglas flashbacks.
I'm kind of impressed with the threesome on the wedding day thing, that's like real rockstar behaviour. I wonder who the third party was? 
Winston described 'adoption by gay couples as child abuse'. Christian read that out rather jauntily, as if it was 'loves snuggling kittens'. But turns out that was the calm before the storm.
Darren Day was spending 2K a week on coke? Joseph pays well, doesn't it. Danielle was probably spending 4K. She probably looks at Darren and thinks 'lightweight.' Did he sell his hoover? He didn't even have the technicolour dreamcoat to sell.
Winston's 'hell yeah man!' to his homophobic comments was fascinating to watch for the other people's faces. Maloney looked like he was going to gag and Christian looked like he'd just smelt a fart.
'Christophobia!' Is that hating Christopher Maloney? Winston declaring he's not homophobic as Christian and Christopher sit weeping, lol. Great telly. Winston, we've seen your VT! Backs against the wall! Play it to the house! I liked Kristina cuddling John/Christian.
You can't blame the press for shit that comes out of your own mouth, Winston.
One of the thickos goes, 'Don't bully the fucker, we're all entitled to our opinions.' This was the one I liked, they're back equal again now. Who said 'everyone is entitled to believe in whatever they believe?' That's balls. Actually, you're not entitled to state homophobic opinions on UK Big Brother. Oh, except in your VT.
I liked Christians face when he had his tongue out and his teeth batred like he was going to kill Winston, literally visually seething and then wanted to give Winston his case. He is a BIG TIME gamer. He's playing the game right now. He's playing it REAL GOOD. Also, why is he still wearing his ballet dancing box-issue cycling shorts and muscle vest?
Ha, Angie has spent 35 years fighting for gay rights. The new Dickinson/Visage! 'Mincing straight arsehole?' That's a weird insult.
Stephanie is doing the 'not for adults' loveheart hands. Embarrassing.
Kristina is safe! No shit. That pre-planned pregnancy strategy was a blinder.
Hold on one minute! Now Emma tells us the housemates get to decide who goes between the final two housemates. WHAT THE FUCK! Why did I just spend 50p saving Nancy then?! You CAN'T ask people to vote and then tell them that afterwards, surely it's not even legal. I'm gonna take Emma on Judge Rinder. That is RIDICULOUS. Have a free vote and then fuck around as much as you want but don't take my cash and pull that shit. That is a joke. And I couldn't give a fuck about 50p. It's the principle! What's the T&Cs on that shit?
OK, second show, and thank god for the reprieve cos I had to rewatch half of that just to wrap my head around the sheer aggogleness of it all. 
The housemates have to choose who goes now by holding that person to their chest. They are failing to understand basic rules. IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
Now we'll see who the true gamers are. Jeremy voted to evict Nancy. Fail. You're next, buddy! YOU'RE GOING HOME, BITCH.
Jonathan: 'It's time for Winston to go.' I like this now cos it's more painful for Winston. Tiffany has gay friends, y'all. Darren's brother is gay, you know.
So as usual a black person goes first, you total racists, hahaha. Just kidding.
13 votes for Winston, LOL. Should have been a clean sweep. Jeremy clearly supports hate. Boo to him!
I hope Winston feels like a piece of shit. I hope that public shaming made him feel as bad as he makes others feel. I'm glad it rained on him, too. Should have played 'It's raining men.'
Can't wait to see Jeremy's meltdown on the live feed now. Finally I learnt his name! To go against the baying mob is bold. To defend a homophobe! What's Nancy done that's so bad?! He's gonna shit himself. And rightly so.
So Winston is backtracking in his interview, smart move, mate. He's being 'portrayed' as a people hater. Yeah, damn you Big Brother. Stop putting words in his mouth. It's all in the edit, etc.
He's a Christian! There's only one good Christian and that's Christian from Eastenders. Winston makes Zainab look tolerant. Ha, he is not backing down on the child abuse statement. Ick. he should be kicked off and Rylan should refuse to interview him.
'So many women in the house are insecure.' Not surprised with you calling them fat.
He's a red blooded male, Emma, give him a break. 'Here are your best bits.' Should have just cut to white noise.
I actually think Emma handled him reasonably well (for her).
PS: Isn't it nice that Marcus Bentley pronounces Angie Bowie right? ;)
PPS: Our launch night podcast is still limping along! Check it out, you slaaaaaaaags.

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: It's just panto

Was watching last night's live feed and it struck me that Thicky McThick #1 and Thicky McThick #2 are so cretinous that even Mike Judge couldn't have conceived of them. They make Beavis and Butthead look like Stephen Fry chatting to Will Self.about the meaning of life. Hollyoaks and Ex on the Beach aren't much better: making you pine for the days when Amy Childs was in the house, because at least she inspired an amusing comedy sketch once. We can only pray they bring back the glittery toilet roll of doom and evict these people quick smart like they did with Keiran and whatsherface (but sadly not Danny Wisker).
I am still somewhat shocked at how attractive Nancy D'ellolio is IRL: every photo of her I've ever seen of her made her look dreadful. I bet she was well narked about old scraggy-necked Queen of High-Handedness Ulrika stealing her man. Even if it was Sven Goran Erikson. I enjoyed Gemma asking Nancy: 'Was he sexy in real life?' on the live feed. Maybe he smelt really good or something.
Angie Bowie is a bit dotty, isn't she? She has something of a Courtney Love vibe about her. I enjoyed her saying how much she fancied Asian men on the live feed, Kristina pulling a face and then them instantly cutting to bird feed and the little fella pictured above (I like to think of him as the new Mr Buns).
Jonathan to Gemma: 'You look like a young Anna Nicole Smith.' Amazing bullshit.
Jonathan looks fucking terrified of Marmite. 'I'm picky... I'll try it.' Pulls face. 'It's sour.' It's gross. Tastes like shit.
Christopher Maloney bemoaning 'keyboard warriors' to David Gest. Better than cruise ship singers, mate. Like David Gest gives a fuck what people think online. I've heard all Gest's stories ten million times but you don't resent him for it, he's like an old war hero.
Jonathan's perturbed about Nancy's fame. 'Not even a football player?' Hold on, you're just someone's best friend. Bit rich. At least Nancy fucked Sven. And that can't have been easy.
I've changed my mind about thinking Gemma is OK, by the way, she's annoying as fuck. So that's that cleared up.
Winston and Gemma discussing immigration: I can't even.
Scotty Twat thinks Nancy has a crush on him. He wishes. Gemma thinks he's marriage material? He's not even worth a squirt, to use his sort of terminology. He wouldn't even make a decent cumbucket.
Megan: 'What does pandemonium mean?' Embarrassing for the nation, isn't it? Even Reign Disick probably has a better grasp on the English language than this thick sub-that-one-Jeremy-off-Baywatch-groped-and-got-thrown-out-for-who-looks-like-Rylan bitch. Jonathan talking about going out to dinner with the Kardashians. Bigger than Beiber. LOL. I'm not sure Jonathan 'gets anything he wants'. He doesn't even get to come out, the poor fucker.
I think Scotty T is wearing cycling shorts. Not sure why but eek pile for him.
Ah, OK, here's the standard shitstir task to unlock the box or something. Scotty T, Hollyoaks and Scotty T 2 have been named the most annoying. Ah what, they're not even having to line up in order of 'most famous' etc. I think that would actually be technically impossible this year, lol. Heads would explode.
Does Megan know what any word means? 'What does monogamy mean?' Bet she knows what 'magazine deal' means. These four (the two himbos and the two thick girls) make me pray for a zombie apocalypse.
So Tiffany is biding her time to start a row. Good strategy. Don't give them an excuse to kick out a black woman week 1. They don't need one. They'll find one.
So Christopher and Daniella fell out over a panto where Daniella got replaced by Nikki Grahame. What the fuck. It's just panto, etc. I don't think Daniella even knows Christopher exists. I'm not sure Christopher does even exist. I do know this is not the full story. I like the fact later Daniella said 'we'll talk tomorrow.' Yeah, make him wait, make him sweat, like when Rick made Morgan come to the headmaster's office in The Walking Dead. The poor cunt won't sleep a wink tonight.
So the box housemates are back in the house. What a pointless waste of everyone's (air)time.
Why are they letting Dumb and Dumber and Sinead O Connor nominate? I doubt if they can even spell their own names. Of all the fucking people! They're bound to nom the oldies. Boo! Jeremy (whoever he is) nommed Nancy. Scotty Twat nominated Winston (thank God). Stephanie nommed Kristina. Don't know why. What's the point of getting out the housemates who might actually have lived lives and have stories to tell? I'd still rather Winston stayed and fucked himself rather than got evicted. WHY! Why do that?!!!!! ARGH! WHEN WILL YOU LEARN HOW TO RUN YOUR OWN SHOW? Why not let Darren, Christian and Daniella do it? They've been locked up, FFS.
Bed wars begin. Where's Fatman Scoop when he's needed? Winston 'would not share a bed with a man, not even his brother' presumably because he couldn't control himself. I pity him.
Angie had a row with Jonathan and called him an 'obnoxious American' (er...) but apparently the cameras were off at that point. 'That creature' - ha.
I wish Jonathan was obnoxious. It would mean he had a personality. I've still got my fingers crossed, though.
OMG Winston creeping on Tiffany is the creepiest thing on earth. 'Get under the sheet!' Get out of the house, Winston. You're making Red Holdsworth look civillised.
Gemma is being the moral compass of the group. Boring and annoying. Then Winston tried to grope Nancy. Dear God. What a pervert. Oh shit, it's vote to save. Can he survive? Surely not? I'm gonna VTS Nancy! Kristina needs more airtime.
And so a black man will be the first out. But he is a black racist homophobe, so we've kind of been painted into a corner. Our backs are against the wall. YOU GOTTA GO!

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Fame, fame, fatal fame

Apologies for last night's podcast, I was off my nut. The fact it even got posted is a small miracle. There will be also no more pods until the end of the weekend as my cohort is working so you'll have to just put up with my highly biased and offensive views here or on Twitter. Talking of which, I saw Emma 'impartial' Willis on This Morning today saying 'there wasn't time' to call Winston out on his homophobic views on launch night. But there WAS time not to put him in the house after a homophobic VT, right? Stoooopid. Why is it OK to say it in a VT but not in the house? Offcom, can you make sense of it? Me neither.
So let's recap; SIXTEEN housemates and I still don't know what vaudeville is. Well at least we know they're going for quantity, not quality. I've only watched half the live feed so far but I can already see at least half of them are a waste of airtime (Hollyoaks, Geordie Shore, Ex on the Beach etc).
My main task for tonight is going to be remembering the difference between Scotty T and Jeremy, something I fundamentally failed last night.
So Daniella Westbrook and Christopher Maloney have beef. What's that about then? Have I got to google it myself or something? What is this? I know, I'll ask Siri. Shit, she told me! It's cos he's friends with her ex boyfriend or some boring shit. It's not exactly Phil Mitchell vs Ian Beale is it?
They are recapping mercifully fast. 'Is that a pimp?' Indeed.
Jonathan: 'Wow, this place looks like a nuthouse.' Seeing Jonathan off KUWTK in CBB is like running into someone from your work on the nightbus. They shouldn't be there and it freaks you out and you might possibly be dribbling or gurning. Jonathan's like: 'who the fuck are you people?' 'Weeeeeeelll, she slept with someone.' 'Oh.' Mind you, what's he famous for? Eating salad? Also, I put a fiver on him to win last night at 40/1 when I was pissed. I do like flushing money down the toilet.
Jonathan and Gemma becoming besties would be great. He loves girls with clothes shops, just look at Dash Dolls. He just doesn't sleep with them. Small problem, he can't understand a word Gemma's saying. Nae bother. It will just be something like 'I fink you're lovely! We're all gonna get along forever and go on holiday togevver in St Barts with Mason and Malika!'
I love it when everyone smokes. All the best people smoke on BB and the celebs smoke more than everyone. All the scuttlebutt goes down round the ashtray. And I don't even smoke. But I recognise that it is the cool thing to do. Don't you think it's weird when celebs smoke rollies? I mean, everyone I know smokes rollies, but can't Jonathan Cheban afford some Silk Cut? He is the CEO is the Kim Kardashian fanclub, after all. He also has a great line in wigs. He should hook David 'paintball' Gest up.
Winston: 'All the weaklings will die very quickly.' Let's hope so... all the people who got paid under 10K to go in there, so all the MTV thickos.
I quite like the Christian/John and Darren Day dynamic. They both seem unexpectedly normal.
Gest may have no kids, but he's got so many names to drop he keeps some at his aunt's house.
Hold on, is Angie putting David Bowie on blast? You can't mess with Jareth. He'll get the whole goblin city on your case. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER HIM! Your son doesn't NOT talk to you 'because David told him to.' There's gotta be more to it than that. Life's not that simple! Not even on mars. Come on, Ange, what did you do?
So it's Tiffany's 34th birthday (allegedly). Good gaming on Gemma's part there giving her shoes to her. It's like the Dan Gheesling grandfather's watch strategy all over again. Masterful.
Tiffany is 'Genna' to the end. I give it three days before they have a fistfight. It's all happy, happy house for three days, then Armageddon. Except when Farrah's there, then it's an atomic bomb on the first night and it all ends in tears and broken flip flops.
Oh, shit, who's running the kitchen? Watch yourself! Beware the ides of Vinnie Jones/Carole/Pauline/ Lisa. Sinead: 'I can cook bacon, toast and scrambled egg.' I don't think you 'cook' toast. Still, always good when toast gets a mention on Big Brother, whether it be Marc shoving it into his drunken face or Jackjoe imploring they eat it rather than make a toast, or Austin Armacost tearing Chloe Jasmine a new one for not toasting his dead brother. Toast is like my fifth favourite housemate of all time.
Diary room chair looks nice. There was no house tour was there? Guess there's nothing to see as it's all boxed up. Daniella is putting herself in the box instead of that prick Winston. What a trouper/true gamer.
Christopher Maloney bores me to tears. Waste of wax. I could not care less. 'It's awkward between me and Daniella but we're best friends.' Yeah, whatevs. Get back to Butlins.
So this Winston has gone from Tory to Democrat to UKIP mixing, like a prototype Loose Woman. He's still a homophobic twunt, though.
People on Twitter are making fat jokes about Gemma (very intelligent) but I don't mind her. She seems quite genuine and possibly shrewd, too. Could go deep with no maggots about!
Jonathan 'doesn't survive conversations like that' ie. Winston banging on. Yet he survives being driven round with no seatbelt on with Kim Kardashian driving whilst talking into her phone. What gives?
Darren Day bragging he used to go out with Isla Fisher. LOL. It's funny how things change, isn't it? A list, Z list, they're all just letters of the alphabet that Danny Wisker doesn't know.
This Megan showmance thing needs to be shot in the face before it begins. We already suffered through Ricci and Lauren. Save us. Gemma: 'Let him work for it.' ie. let him wait two nights to sleep with you. The man is so thick he needs subtitles. I don't want to see it mate.
I laid down on a towel earlier like Daniella is doing now because I was hungover at work today, because of Big Brother's launch and half a bottle of vodka. It was quite comfy.
Drug talk in the box. Real talk. Daniella and Darren: the beak files, the fame files. I like everyone in the box. They all seem normal. I think Daniella is actually a smart woman who just got really fucked up on drugs. They really got a hold on her, just like Eminem prophesied in his Drug Ballad.
There's nothing worse than someone trying to stoke up a fauxmance. Stop it, Gemma. You're not at school. It's not written in the stars. It's written in crayon, in a magazine deal.
The jury is still out on how the show will go so far; depends who they focus on. There are definitely some interesting characters in there. But will the producers let us experience them? You decide.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Launch night

Welcome to 2016! Do you know what vaudeville is? Me neither. Still, as Big Brother themes don't really matter, and nor does the house, who cares? Do you know what else doesn't matter? If you've never heard of the celebrities. Remember when Austin Armacost entered stage left 6 months ago? We thought, 'who is this prick?' Turned out, he was a legacy housemate. So let's not bemoan the non celebs (unless they're from TOWIE or Geordie Shore or they look annoying).
Fuck me, 16 people. This could be a long night.
No furniture.... I've never seen that before! Ahem. How long before the electric shock suits?
First up: Gemma Collins. We believe that people who've been in the jungle shouldn't be allowed in CBB. She's come as one of the Loose Women. They're booing her! Boo, etc. She doesn't like tasks? But she's got a designer vagina. Weeeeeellll. Eek or chic for her outfit? I'm going eek for the cape and hair. The glitter eyeshadow scourge continues into 2016. Make it stop.
Next in: Christian from Eastenders aka John Partridge. Christian kind of brought together me and my boyfriend together in a way. I'm glad he's had his hair cut, it looks much better. It's a shame it's not Syed, his boyfriend in Eastenders, he's hot as hell. Christian looks a bit waxy and he's wearing a rollneck. I'm giving him half an eek.
Gemma Collins has got the hump cos there's no champers available. Can't blame her.
I like Daniella Westbrook. She once sold her hoover to buy cocaine. My boyfriend reckons that picture of her with a missing septum is 'a bad angle'. That's a hell of a bad angle. Can you snore with no septum? You think all the air would go through smoothly. She said she's going to sleep the whole time. Great. Not sure about her hair.
Christopher Maloney is like a more low rent Stevi Richie. I just remember him going on about his nan incessantly on X Factor. His plastic surgery hasn't worked unless he took in a picture of a ventriloquist dummy or Stephen Mulherne. Is he vaudeville themed? Crowd chanting 'who are you' and 'off'. He has his own 'fetus group' called Christopher Maloney academy. Sorry, theatre group. His hairline is pretty weird.
Next in is Tiffany, off Flavor of Love. She seems like a cunt. Head bitch in charge and black woman = early boot! She seems quite cheerful in front of the crowd. No idea who she is.
What's that giraffe doing at the top of the stairs? I'm putting some cash on him FTW. I like the chandeliers. I've just ordered some gaudy chandeliers from Argos.
Darren Day - also a jungle reject. Why is he talking so gruff? We like our fanny rats a bit more squeaky. He's there for the child support, sorry, challenge. He's a fan of 'the last three series'. Is that just CBB or the civvy one with Jackjoe?
Megan is from Ex on the Beach. Great. Had a twitter feud with Ellie Goulding so I'm on her side. I can't STAND Ellie Goulding. She doesn't like people breathing LOL. She doesn't like people eating yoghurt in front of her either. Lucky Brian Belo isn't in there then. Luckily Helen put pay to that. What's with the Princess Anne hair?
Next up is a boxer/politician Winston. My boyfriend says he recognises him off the Big Questions. He says he's 'flamboyant but 'I'd cope with a homosexual in the house by standing against a brick wall all the time'. Isn't that the sort of language that gets you kicked out? Has also come out dressed as a pimp. These are some mixed messages or what. He's shaking hands with the gay men! Now he's caught the gay! Hahahaha! Sucker.
Now it's the halfway point they're throwing in some annoying twist. The most decisive housemate had to stand up. Christian/John has to send two people to live in a box.
Christian and Darren are volunteering to go in the box because they're true gamers. James 'They're like the new suffragettes.' You shouldn't be allowed to put yourself in! Cop out. Ted, sort it out.
Gary Busey wouldn't have got in that crawl space. Nor would GC (possibly).
So now they're all in the back garden and something's happening. I'm not sure what.
Suitcases! FFS. Shred shred shred. Can we have an original idea please? Christopher lost his suitcase. Oh well.
It will be a shame not to see Winston's other clothes. Hold on, no men have their suitcases, ha. Daniella's already lost her vacuum cleaner, now she's lost her suitcase. Have a heart.
Next in David Gest. He was funny in the jungle, I'll give him that. He looks like a cross between Jackson Galaxy and David Blaine. Too many jungle people though! Boo! I don't approve of grabbing Emma Willis's bump. Hands off. Everyone going 'everyone's been booed' to David Gest but he got cheered, ha. Eat it.
Ugh Geordie Shore. Scotty T. He's got a wicked chopper. I can't understand what he's saying. He looks like Christopher Maloney. Gross.
Next in is someone off Strictly Come Dancing. Kristina. At least it's not James Jordan. She's a woman so likes cooking and cleaning. Ok then. Is she James Jordan's wife? Or the new Gail Porter. Either way, fail.
Is vaudeville sexist? It seems to consist of women waving feathers about.
CHEBAN CHEBAN! It's Kim Kardashian's bestie Jonathan Cheban. I only know who he is because I was out of work earlier this year and became addicted to to the Kardashians. He is the CEO of something. He doesn't know how to cook because he just goes out to dinner with Kim and eats salad. Yet he owns a chain of restaurants. This doesn't add up. I said earlier this year I wanted to know Jonathan's back story, like Morgan in the Walking Dead. Finally I can find out. He's pretending to have a personality and everything. Normally he's just brown-nosing Kim and co. I asked on Twitter recently if Jonathan and Kanye have ever been been in the same room. I still think the answer's no.  I liked it when Kim Kardashian's 72 day husband spent a whole episode asking if Jonathan was gay and the answer was basically 'yes'. But he's got a girlfriend, so he can't be, right?
Next in is Angie Bowie. At least now we can talk about Labyrinth. 'Cats are cats.' OK. Good to have an old person in there for balance. I like her hashtag; BANGIE. I like her outfit, very glam.
Stephanie Davis: 'You might know me from playing Sinead O Connor in Hollyoaks.' What the fuck? Has she been ripping up pictures of the of the pope? Everything is open apparently. We like an open housemate. The real Sinead O Connor tried to buy some crack on her wedding day. This one says 'I'm completely crazy.' Self-proclaimed crazy. God help us. And the pope.
OK, so I'm pretty drunk now. God help me.
Next in is Jeremy McGrabMeCock. DISGUSTING! He has one of those t-shirts with a low v-neck. Were they ever in fashion? 'He might like a packet of crisps or a sports drink.' What!? He is talking pure gobbledygook. He has a tattoo up his neck and a waistcoat on and he's a model. Is that what fame is now? Is it?!
At this point I've completely lost it.
Last in: Nancy Dell'olio. Shouldn't they save the best for last? Ulrika, her mortal enemy won it. She basically fucked a weasel-faced football manager about ten years ago. These people are irrelevant!
Christian and Darren are on gruel. Daniella W has her arse crack hanging out like Jackjoe. Christian wants gruel so the rest of the house get to eat caviar and shit.
Sorry about this blog, the show was too long, there were too many housemates, and I drank too much. On with the podcast.