Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Launch night

Welcome to 2016! Do you know what vaudeville is? Me neither. Still, as Big Brother themes don't really matter, and nor does the house, who cares? Do you know what else doesn't matter? If you've never heard of the celebrities. Remember when Austin Armacost entered stage left 6 months ago? We thought, 'who is this prick?' Turned out, he was a legacy housemate. So let's not bemoan the non celebs (unless they're from TOWIE or Geordie Shore or they look annoying).
Fuck me, 16 people. This could be a long night.
No furniture.... I've never seen that before! Ahem. How long before the electric shock suits?
First up: Gemma Collins. We believe that people who've been in the jungle shouldn't be allowed in CBB. She's come as one of the Loose Women. They're booing her! Boo, etc. She doesn't like tasks? But she's got a designer vagina. Weeeeeellll. Eek or chic for her outfit? I'm going eek for the cape and hair. The glitter eyeshadow scourge continues into 2016. Make it stop.
Next in: Christian from Eastenders aka John Partridge. Christian kind of brought together me and my boyfriend together in a way. I'm glad he's had his hair cut, it looks much better. It's a shame it's not Syed, his boyfriend in Eastenders, he's hot as hell. Christian looks a bit waxy and he's wearing a rollneck. I'm giving him half an eek.
Gemma Collins has got the hump cos there's no champers available. Can't blame her.
I like Daniella Westbrook. She once sold her hoover to buy cocaine. My boyfriend reckons that picture of her with a missing septum is 'a bad angle'. That's a hell of a bad angle. Can you snore with no septum? You think all the air would go through smoothly. She said she's going to sleep the whole time. Great. Not sure about her hair.
Christopher Maloney is like a more low rent Stevi Richie. I just remember him going on about his nan incessantly on X Factor. His plastic surgery hasn't worked unless he took in a picture of a ventriloquist dummy or Stephen Mulherne. Is he vaudeville themed? Crowd chanting 'who are you' and 'off'. He has his own 'fetus group' called Christopher Maloney academy. Sorry, theatre group. His hairline is pretty weird.
Next in is Tiffany, off Flavor of Love. She seems like a cunt. Head bitch in charge and black woman = early boot! She seems quite cheerful in front of the crowd. No idea who she is.
What's that giraffe doing at the top of the stairs? I'm putting some cash on him FTW. I like the chandeliers. I've just ordered some gaudy chandeliers from Argos.
Darren Day - also a jungle reject. Why is he talking so gruff? We like our fanny rats a bit more squeaky. He's there for the child support, sorry, challenge. He's a fan of 'the last three series'. Is that just CBB or the civvy one with Jackjoe?
Megan is from Ex on the Beach. Great. Had a twitter feud with Ellie Goulding so I'm on her side. I can't STAND Ellie Goulding. She doesn't like people breathing LOL. She doesn't like people eating yoghurt in front of her either. Lucky Brian Belo isn't in there then. Luckily Helen put pay to that. What's with the Princess Anne hair?
Next up is a boxer/politician Winston. My boyfriend says he recognises him off the Big Questions. He says he's 'flamboyant but 'I'd cope with a homosexual in the house by standing against a brick wall all the time'. Isn't that the sort of language that gets you kicked out? Has also come out dressed as a pimp. These are some mixed messages or what. He's shaking hands with the gay men! Now he's caught the gay! Hahahaha! Sucker.
Now it's the halfway point they're throwing in some annoying twist. The most decisive housemate had to stand up. Christian/John has to send two people to live in a box.
Christian and Darren are volunteering to go in the box because they're true gamers. James 'They're like the new suffragettes.' You shouldn't be allowed to put yourself in! Cop out. Ted, sort it out.
Gary Busey wouldn't have got in that crawl space. Nor would GC (possibly).
So now they're all in the back garden and something's happening. I'm not sure what.
Suitcases! FFS. Shred shred shred. Can we have an original idea please? Christopher lost his suitcase. Oh well.
It will be a shame not to see Winston's other clothes. Hold on, no men have their suitcases, ha. Daniella's already lost her vacuum cleaner, now she's lost her suitcase. Have a heart.
Next in David Gest. He was funny in the jungle, I'll give him that. He looks like a cross between Jackson Galaxy and David Blaine. Too many jungle people though! Boo! I don't approve of grabbing Emma Willis's bump. Hands off. Everyone going 'everyone's been booed' to David Gest but he got cheered, ha. Eat it.
Ugh Geordie Shore. Scotty T. He's got a wicked chopper. I can't understand what he's saying. He looks like Christopher Maloney. Gross.
Next in is someone off Strictly Come Dancing. Kristina. At least it's not James Jordan. She's a woman so likes cooking and cleaning. Ok then. Is she James Jordan's wife? Or the new Gail Porter. Either way, fail.
Is vaudeville sexist? It seems to consist of women waving feathers about.
CHEBAN CHEBAN! It's Kim Kardashian's bestie Jonathan Cheban. I only know who he is because I was out of work earlier this year and became addicted to to the Kardashians. He is the CEO of something. He doesn't know how to cook because he just goes out to dinner with Kim and eats salad. Yet he owns a chain of restaurants. This doesn't add up. I said earlier this year I wanted to know Jonathan's back story, like Morgan in the Walking Dead. Finally I can find out. He's pretending to have a personality and everything. Normally he's just brown-nosing Kim and co. I asked on Twitter recently if Jonathan and Kanye have ever been been in the same room. I still think the answer's no.  I liked it when Kim Kardashian's 72 day husband spent a whole episode asking if Jonathan was gay and the answer was basically 'yes'. But he's got a girlfriend, so he can't be, right?
Next in is Angie Bowie. At least now we can talk about Labyrinth. 'Cats are cats.' OK. Good to have an old person in there for balance. I like her hashtag; BANGIE. I like her outfit, very glam.
Stephanie Davis: 'You might know me from playing Sinead O Connor in Hollyoaks.' What the fuck? Has she been ripping up pictures of the of the pope? Everything is open apparently. We like an open housemate. The real Sinead O Connor tried to buy some crack on her wedding day. This one says 'I'm completely crazy.' Self-proclaimed crazy. God help us. And the pope.
OK, so I'm pretty drunk now. God help me.
Next in is Jeremy McGrabMeCock. DISGUSTING! He has one of those t-shirts with a low v-neck. Were they ever in fashion? 'He might like a packet of crisps or a sports drink.' What!? He is talking pure gobbledygook. He has a tattoo up his neck and a waistcoat on and he's a model. Is that what fame is now? Is it?!
At this point I've completely lost it.
Last in: Nancy Dell'olio. Shouldn't they save the best for last? Ulrika, her mortal enemy won it. She basically fucked a weasel-faced football manager about ten years ago. These people are irrelevant!
Christian and Darren are on gruel. Daniella W has her arse crack hanging out like Jackjoe. Christian wants gruel so the rest of the house get to eat caviar and shit.
Sorry about this blog, the show was too long, there were too many housemates, and I drank too much. On with the podcast.