Thursday, 7 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: It's just panto

Was watching last night's live feed and it struck me that Thicky McThick #1 and Thicky McThick #2 are so cretinous that even Mike Judge couldn't have conceived of them. They make Beavis and Butthead look like Stephen Fry chatting to Will Self.about the meaning of life. Hollyoaks and Ex on the Beach aren't much better: making you pine for the days when Amy Childs was in the house, because at least she inspired an amusing comedy sketch once. We can only pray they bring back the glittery toilet roll of doom and evict these people quick smart like they did with Keiran and whatsherface (but sadly not Danny Wisker).
I am still somewhat shocked at how attractive Nancy D'ellolio is IRL: every photo of her I've ever seen of her made her look dreadful. I bet she was well narked about old scraggy-necked Queen of High-Handedness Ulrika stealing her man. Even if it was Sven Goran Erikson. I enjoyed Gemma asking Nancy: 'Was he sexy in real life?' on the live feed. Maybe he smelt really good or something.
Angie Bowie is a bit dotty, isn't she? She has something of a Courtney Love vibe about her. I enjoyed her saying how much she fancied Asian men on the live feed, Kristina pulling a face and then them instantly cutting to bird feed and the little fella pictured above (I like to think of him as the new Mr Buns).
Jonathan to Gemma: 'You look like a young Anna Nicole Smith.' Amazing bullshit.
Jonathan looks fucking terrified of Marmite. 'I'm picky... I'll try it.' Pulls face. 'It's sour.' It's gross. Tastes like shit.
Christopher Maloney bemoaning 'keyboard warriors' to David Gest. Better than cruise ship singers, mate. Like David Gest gives a fuck what people think online. I've heard all Gest's stories ten million times but you don't resent him for it, he's like an old war hero.
Jonathan's perturbed about Nancy's fame. 'Not even a football player?' Hold on, you're just someone's best friend. Bit rich. At least Nancy fucked Sven. And that can't have been easy.
I've changed my mind about thinking Gemma is OK, by the way, she's annoying as fuck. So that's that cleared up.
Winston and Gemma discussing immigration: I can't even.
Scotty Twat thinks Nancy has a crush on him. He wishes. Gemma thinks he's marriage material? He's not even worth a squirt, to use his sort of terminology. He wouldn't even make a decent cumbucket.
Megan: 'What does pandemonium mean?' Embarrassing for the nation, isn't it? Even Reign Disick probably has a better grasp on the English language than this thick sub-that-one-Jeremy-off-Baywatch-groped-and-got-thrown-out-for-who-looks-like-Rylan bitch. Jonathan talking about going out to dinner with the Kardashians. Bigger than Beiber. LOL. I'm not sure Jonathan 'gets anything he wants'. He doesn't even get to come out, the poor fucker.
I think Scotty T is wearing cycling shorts. Not sure why but eek pile for him.
Ah, OK, here's the standard shitstir task to unlock the box or something. Scotty T, Hollyoaks and Scotty T 2 have been named the most annoying. Ah what, they're not even having to line up in order of 'most famous' etc. I think that would actually be technically impossible this year, lol. Heads would explode.
Does Megan know what any word means? 'What does monogamy mean?' Bet she knows what 'magazine deal' means. These four (the two himbos and the two thick girls) make me pray for a zombie apocalypse.
So Tiffany is biding her time to start a row. Good strategy. Don't give them an excuse to kick out a black woman week 1. They don't need one. They'll find one.
So Christopher and Daniella fell out over a panto where Daniella got replaced by Nikki Grahame. What the fuck. It's just panto, etc. I don't think Daniella even knows Christopher exists. I'm not sure Christopher does even exist. I do know this is not the full story. I like the fact later Daniella said 'we'll talk tomorrow.' Yeah, make him wait, make him sweat, like when Rick made Morgan come to the headmaster's office in The Walking Dead. The poor cunt won't sleep a wink tonight.
So the box housemates are back in the house. What a pointless waste of everyone's (air)time.
Why are they letting Dumb and Dumber and Sinead O Connor nominate? I doubt if they can even spell their own names. Of all the fucking people! They're bound to nom the oldies. Boo! Jeremy (whoever he is) nommed Nancy. Scotty Twat nominated Winston (thank God). Stephanie nommed Kristina. Don't know why. What's the point of getting out the housemates who might actually have lived lives and have stories to tell? I'd still rather Winston stayed and fucked himself rather than got evicted. WHY! Why do that?!!!!! ARGH! WHEN WILL YOU LEARN HOW TO RUN YOUR OWN SHOW? Why not let Darren, Christian and Daniella do it? They've been locked up, FFS.
Bed wars begin. Where's Fatman Scoop when he's needed? Winston 'would not share a bed with a man, not even his brother' presumably because he couldn't control himself. I pity him.
Angie had a row with Jonathan and called him an 'obnoxious American' (er...) but apparently the cameras were off at that point. 'That creature' - ha.
I wish Jonathan was obnoxious. It would mean he had a personality. I've still got my fingers crossed, though.
OMG Winston creeping on Tiffany is the creepiest thing on earth. 'Get under the sheet!' Get out of the house, Winston. You're making Red Holdsworth look civillised.
Gemma is being the moral compass of the group. Boring and annoying. Then Winston tried to grope Nancy. Dear God. What a pervert. Oh shit, it's vote to save. Can he survive? Surely not? I'm gonna VTS Nancy! Kristina needs more airtime.
And so a black man will be the first out. But he is a black racist homophobe, so we've kind of been painted into a corner. Our backs are against the wall. YOU GOTTA GO!

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