Wednesday, 31 March 2010

TRANSform me (someone call the glambulance)

Hello folks, sorry it's been a little quiet on the blog front, I'm moving house tomorrow! I'm leaving the mean streets of London, for the seaside fun of Brighton! I also have a new job, so things are a bit mental at the moment. Still; change is good.
I should really have written a blog about Eastenders ludicrous gang storyline, but words fail me. I mean, do they take us for idiots, or just presume it's only idiots watching? It's a conundrum. I might give up Eastenders when I move. Honest!
Anyway; on with the show, which is another VH1 reality series (they generally make pretty good reality shows) called Transform me, which is a makeover show about... can you guess? Transsexuals! I know, whoever thought of that title basically just built the show around it.
Oh OK, it's not about transsexuals, but the trannies are the hosts. Am I allowed to say trannies? I'm not even sure. So it's like Queer Eye for the Straight guy, but with transgender women and dowdy female participants. They even have a glitterball in their car! What could go wrong? I miss Queer Eye! It was the ultimate feel-good TV. This better be good.
Oh my god, it's not a car, it's an ambulance! Is a makeover show an appropriate use for an ambulance? It seems in poor taste considering they don't even got free health care. Yes I did just write 'don't even got'. This programme is a bad influence on me. OMG it's called a Glambulance! I take it all back; genius.
Nicole their first victim, sorry... no, I can't even think of another word for it, was reasonably frumpy, but not that bad. I'm nervous about what they might do to her, they all have mini skirts, massive hair and exaggerated make-up, it's like Live from Studio Five before Melinda Messenger left.
It was weird when they tried to give a little talk on transforming and seeing the person inside and Nicole looked shocked they were trannies. What show did she think she'd signed up for?
It all got kind of emotional in the middle. I like the hosts, actually, under all the frippery. They made her look cute, better that they do on Snog Marry Avoid, where they suck their personality out and stick some manky old wig on them.
This is totally just Trans Eye for the Straight Girl. But that's OK.
My next blog will be when BT plugs me back in, which thanks to Easter, is not going to be until next week. Until then, my friends. Have a good one.

Saturday, 27 March 2010

American Idol: Your only gimmick is a carpet

I promised I'd do an American Idol blog, and a promise is a promise (or so says Michael Stipe). I haven't really been feeling it this year; I miss Paula and Ellen is just weird in a boring way, not very funny, and doesn't seem to have a clue what she's talking about. I don't get what the appeal is; she's not edgy enough to be of any intelligent use, and not fluffy enough to be any fun. Will Simon take Randy the Dawg with him to the US X Factor? I hope so. Randy is lush! It wouldn't be the same without seeing if he's fat or thin from season to season. You can leave Seacrest behind though; his banter is becoming excruciating. No wonder Simon quit! I do like Kara a lot, she's lovely.
There's no firm favourite for me with the contestants this year; no Adam Lambert! Even the ones I like I don't LOVE. And the Rolling Stones week last week was pathetic; who picks these themes? It's supposed to be a young show! I'm nearly 30 and I couldn't give two fucks about the Rolling Stones. This week's theme of Number 1s sounds a lot better.
Tonight's guest judge is Miley Cyrus. Is there a human on the planet more odious than Miley Cyrus? Charmless, arrogant and with the voice of a 50 year-old-chain smoker. Close your eyes and listen to her speak! It's not normal! What is there to like? I can't even understand why children like her. She's 17 going on 60.
Lee Dewyze (is he the bank robber?) I actually quite like, I liked his version of 'Fireflies' a couple of weeks ago, and there just seems something a little more interesting about him than some of the others. I even liked some of his bum notes last week. But he still lacks something. I don't know what this song is he's singing, but it's fucking dreadful.
Oh Christ, Paige Miles has chosen Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Was Another Day in Paradise not a number one? How about Think Twice? She sounds scared to death. And she fluffed the words. And she's off. Aw, bless. Ellen gave her the 'at least you look great' comment. Oh dear. Kara said it was the worst vocal this season!
Rya Seacrest sounds like his microphone is in a bucket of water. Maybe that's what happened to Paige and Phil Collins.
Tim Urban doing Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I hate that song. I don't like Tim Urban much either. Zzzzz. The vocals are boring because it's a boring song that goes nowhere.
Don't pretend to have a crush on Miley, Aaron Kelly, you're quite obviously gay. Mind you, she makes a great fag hag. Aaron looks like the guy out of the first Final Destination, who's in the Stan video for the Eminem song. He keeps singing songs by geriatrics; I mean, Aerosmith? It's what thick people have played at their weddings. Song choice fail. Come back with some N Dubz next week.
Crystal Bowersox! She's pretty good. I bet it hurt having to take advice from the devil child. Credibility broach! She sung some country song. The guitar reminded me of Bad Bright Eyes. Don't like Bad Bright Eyes. Only like Good Bright Eyes. I liked it when she was kind of shouting at the end, though. That reminded me of Good Bright Eyes. I think she is quite a talent. It's obvious why she's cagey; because she's selling out by being on American Idol. But over there, I think it's worth the risk. You can come eighth and still make a decent living.
I like big Mike! He's really genuine and he's got a fantastic voice. There's something lovely about him, I like the way he just gave Miley a bear hug and lifted her off the floor. I want a Mike cuddle.
Next up is Andrew. Do you think they're going to mention that great audition where he did Paula Abdul's Straight Up? They have only mentioned it EVERY SINGLE WEEK since he did it in boot camp. It was good, but it wasn't that good, folks. Let's relax a little. Oh Christ, he's doing Marvin Gaye. Come back Paula, all's forgiven. He sounds like he's just talking most of it. Oh my God, Kara mentioned 'that moment' but didn't invoke the name of Paula this time. It's like THAT DRESS. Oh she said it! STRAIGHT UP! Pathetic. That record is broken.
Katie Stevens has an annoying precocious kind of face, but irritatingly, she's quite good. She still looks like a five-year-old doing karaoke, though. She looks like she should have shoes on that are three sizes too big, and she's gurning all over the place. Her eyebrows look like they're on strings.
Ah Gordon Ramsay is in the audience. Do you think he's going to call Miley Cyrus a pig? Here's hoping.
Casey James is beautiful but bland. Look at his perfect hair, and proto-Brad Pitt face. He leaves me cold.
I like Didi Bananas! She looks like Madeleine McCann's mum. Ryan fucked up her name. That song she sang was AWFUL! Oh my god, I was praying for tinnitus. I agreed with what Kara said, it seemed fake.
God, more old songs, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Have they heard of any songs since the 80s? I kind of like this geeky snaggle-toothed one, Siobhan Magnus. She's got a gob on her like Andy Murray. Why do people call their kids names you have to think about how to spell because it's pronounced different? I don't want to think about that every time.
And now for the results show. I know, I've had shorter working weeks. To cut an hour down to five minutes, it was Paige Miles. I didn't even know she existed until she murdered Phil Collins. Bye!

Friday, 26 March 2010

Over the Rainbow

I am watching this under duress just because Christian from Eastenders is in it. I don't know why, as it's going to make me hate Christian, playing a sub-par John Barrowman. I hate musicals, but The Wizard of Oz is kind of cool. Still, this show is bound to suck the life out of it. I hate that arsehole out of Any Dream Will Do, too. I never saw the Sound of Music or Oliver one, thank fuck.
I saw Charlotte Church on JRo a week or two ago and didn't think much to her, I kind of want to like her, but she's a bit frosty or something.
OMG those credits were scary.
Why is Graham Norton wearing Frank Butcher's coat? Put him back in the studio, he looks war-torn without an inch of foundation.
How long before Christian makes a joke about being a 'friend of Dorothy'?
This audition process sucks- couldn't Christian be bothered to show up? Too busy swanning round the E20. Who is this old dude? 'You could be Dorothy'. My boyfriend just said it reminded him of the K Factor in Harry Hill. The truth is, it's not that entertaining.
Sheila Hancock looks like a skeleton. This show is edited worse than Fame Academy. And at least that had Ainslie. The BBC are no good at reality shows! They are too scared to flash the cash on decent judges or lighting.
I'm not sure I can bear another one of these tomorrow. Christian or no Christian. Throw in Syed and we might be talking.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Women: Activists

I wont even comment on the 'Women: Mothers' programme as it was so pathetic and limp. Shame; this series started well. Hopefully 'Activists' has got a bit more oomph.
I've been to the London Feminist Network conference and I found it very disappointing. It said nothing to me about my life, in so many ways. I don't care about objectification; I mean, I do, but not much. I care about violence against women and equal rights/ pay, not about prostitution, porn or glamour modelling. A friend of mine is a psychologist who also does pole dancing for fun. Partly thanks to Object, she can't do it any more, because a new law has arrived that labels her 'a sex worker' so she cannot legally work in the criminal justice system (she works in a prison) and do that. She's basically had to give up her fall-back for money. That's not freedom; it's oppression. Women-on-women oppression.
Who is portraying women as sexual objects? Magazines certainly do, but that doesn't make ME a sexual object. I like being a sexual being. I like some porn, and I like being objectified sometimes. Horrifying, I know. I am 100% a feminist. These are not issues for me. Domestic violence is an issue. Rape is an issue. Abortion is an issue. Not being able to walk down the street at night is an issue. The rest just feels like window dressing. And I'm not stupid, I understand how Page 3 dehumanises women, I understand how Nuts magazine dehumanises women. But do you socialise with 13-year-old Sun readers? Idiots will always be idiots. You can't make morons intelligent.
I understand what Fin in this programme was saying about the rage; I am enraged by sexism everywhere. But I enjoy being enraged. I enjoy being intelligent enough to see why something is sexist when someone else might not even question it. Knowledge is power. It's better to be oppressed than ignorant.
Two women a week killed by their male partner; that is something worth shouting about, worth raging against. Someone calling up for 'a prostitute like a pizza'? I'm not bothered.
I do hate sexist language; bird, slut, slag; it's all the same thing, something a woman can be called, but a man can't. I even hate 'hen' party with it's vision of twittering women. But what is the point of them reading ads for porn lines in the back of a magazine and complaining about it? It's like going to Wales and moaning that it's raining. I don't agree that men who watch porn see all women as 'slags'. Men compartmentalise sex; they can turn that off and on again; and guess what; so can women.
Oh god, the feminist songs! Spare me. This doesn't do much for our image. 'Po-faced' is levelled at us a lot; and this is why. A man reading The Star on the tube is clearly an idiot; let him get on with it. Does it really affect you? Getting angry about that is like getting angry at a park bench; in fact the park bench is probably more well-read.
Another friend of mine is a member of Object, and friends with Sandrine, but when I challenged her on the views she didn't seem to have the answers to why objectification is bad, just that it was bad. But if you're going to stand up for something, why not stand up for battered women, for rape victims? Glamour models and porn stars are making money. It's their choice, the majority of the time (except for in cases of trafficking etc- and that in itself is violence and rape, so why separate it) so why take that choice from women?
Music videos are soft porn. Movie stars encourage girls to starve themselves by being so thin. The way to arm yourself against this is to teach your children some morality; some common sense. There SHOULD be more curvy women in magazines. But there's not. So don't read magazines. You don't need that handbag or that diet plan. Any intelligent person realises this at about age 16. There is so much alternative media out there now. You don't have to feel so oppressed by this stuff. I don't listen to pop music or watch pop videos any more. You don't have to. Just put something else on. I agree in freedom of expression for all; even the brain-dead. If you get angry about everything, you can't even function anymore. And I'm angry about MOST things.
Oh wow, they just mentioned abortion! Surely abortion should be the NUMBER ONE subject for any feminist, the number one priority; a women's right to choose. It's so intrinsically important. There are people out there that want to force you to give birth against your will. All this other stuff is just a diversion.
The 'bin the bunny' thing against Playboy is just stupid; it makes people laugh at us as feminists, because people see it as frippery. And it is. The Girls of the Playboy Mansion TV show makes me feel sick; but so what. I used to have a Playboy pencil case when I was a teenager; so what? It didn't 'programme me to accept degradation and pornography in later life'- it just kept my pencils in check. It's just a logo, a picture. It can't hurt us unless we let it.
I agree that stereotypes of men and women have a lot to answer for; and the media enforce that. But men and women also enforce that. If you choose a different way; it's not that difficult to live like it. In fact, it's very easy.
I recognise loads of people from the feminist conference; the thought of 'feminist comedy' I found quite frightening, I must admit. It's weird seeing the footage from that conference because I was there, and it was well-meaning, but some of the speakers were just plain dull, and there was a real lack of humour (except for the feminist comedy, which I avoided, obviously). I hate to be such a downer, but I went there with expectations, and I came out feeling non-plussed, and that's surely not the aim of an event like that. I think it needed an injection of charisma. Some of these feminists are dare I say it; a bit sappy. And then the others are a bit... militant. I want a bit of humour and panache.
I agreed with the girl who said it can be lonely being a feminist. I'm always confused by my female friends who aren't feminists. How can you NOT care about your own sex, your own rights? It seems bizarre.
I thought the interviewer asking that feminist why she paints her nails was fucking stupid. Heaven forbid a feminist wants to look pretty.
Oh my god, there's no rape crisis centre in London! The whole of London! Now that's something to get upset about. That's disgusting. Rape IS legal in this country, it really is. Then afterwards; see you later, love.
I'm glad they touched (very briefly) on feminists having conflicting views; we're not one homogeneous mass, and no one should enforce their views onto others. I AM a feminist; and I have just as much right to call myself one as anyone else.
These documentaries are 15 minutes too long. I was getting very antsy towards the end.
Is this wave of feminism gathering momentum? Not really. Apathy rules. But you can make a change in your own life; with your own opinion, but explaining things very simply to people. And it does make a difference.
I got groped and almost robbed on the bus today. It's hard being a woman. But I'd still rather be one than a man.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Reality: Celebrity Four Weddings

'Celebrity Four Weddings'- it doesn't trip off the tongue, does it? I prefer 'Four Celebrity Weddings' or 'blatant cash in' but what do I know. The format is like Come Dine With Me, there's one wedding per show, with ratings from the others (romantic, right?)
I only watched this because I wanted to see Pete 'Wankers' Bennett's Alice in Wonderland themed wedding. Instead I got:
Him out of East 17. Not not him. No, not him, either. Not even him?! Terry, apparently. Come back Brian, all is forgiven. The handbrake's on, and I don't think we need anything from the all night garage. Just sit down.
AND. One of those leechy gay blokes who is always in Jordan's show (like Colin and Justin minus the charisma and CV) but not her make-up artist with the dodgy highlights, the one who looks like a Who from Whoville. They are 'renewing their vows'. It's not been legal THAT long, boys.
And some squeaky american woman with a toyboy (I missed her name, and it wasn't worth rewinding).
And finally, Nicola Maclean, who didn't want a WAG wedding (it's funny how WAGS always talk about other WAGS as this faceless mass, but there's never one who admits they're one of them), and who apparently thinks calling herself 'straight-talking' gives her a get out clause for being a charmless arsehole.
Today's show covered Nicola's wedding. She looked like Barbie. When the vicar asked that 'anyone got any objections bit' someone shouted out 'what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas' and she laughed. If someone shouted something like that at my wedding, I'd get them slung out. Plus, I'd reserve judgement until you see the mobile phone clips, Nic.
Nice venue and lovely weather, though. Oh and Dane Bowers sang. What more could you want?
Haha in her wedding speech she said 'I love you a million, trillion percent!' Is she after Randy's job on American Idol? The moronic groom said something about 'give and take' *henpecked*.
I kind of liked Terry from East 17. He was just the right mix of common and funny.
Jordan's pointy/pointless little friend was cruel about the venue, it was beautiful. Nicola's dress was a little fussy, but it was pretty, too.
I might watch another one of these, if I get the chance, as I need the light relief. The last televised wedding I watched before this one was Jade's. And we all know how that ended.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Dear Carphone Warehouse: Fuck you.

If I don’t rant about this now, it will result in a heart attack at 35.
Two months ago someone from the Carphone Warehouse rang me about upgrading my IPhone. They said I could have unlimited texts and 600 minutes for £25 a month, plus £150 cashback (via cheque). I was happy with this (obviously!) and agreed. I also got an email confirming the plan.
The next month I noticed my bill was still the same. I called 02, who are my provider, and they said they had not heard from the Cuntphone Cockhouse and ‘maybe it was a hoax call’. I called the Carphone Warehouse (just those two words make me want to stab myself in the eye) and after trying to pass me back to O2 again, they eventually checked my records and saw the call had taken place. They assured me that the information would be passed to 02 ‘over the weekend’ and that my cheque had ‘already been issued’.
I left it a week and called 02 again. I am now in the process of moving house, so very stressed anyway. They had heard nothing from the carphone warehouse. They offered to change the plan for me direct, but then I wouldn’t get the cheque, so tried carphone warehouse again. After someone trying to pass me back to O2 once again, they finally called up my notes. This person said there had been ‘a connection error’ and neither the upgrade (nor the cheque- no shit) had been issued. To add to this shitstorm of uselessness, I had to go to a Carphone Cunthouse store to sort out the problem! When I asked why I had not been told that the previous week, he said ‘if you’d called me, I would have told you that.’ Apparently my whole account was set up wrong and needed to be reissued. By this time, two months have passed and I’m losing money on my bill (as I was texting as if my plan was ‘unlimited’.) When I said I would just go back to 02 and get their upgrade, the guy said ‘you cant do that because we own the phone’.
It gets better. On Monday I trundled down to the Carphone Twatshop and the shop was closed with a sign stuck in the window saying ‘back shortly’. I stood there for ten minutes in the cold for the guy to come out and say very rudely ‘we’re closed.’ When I said I’d been standing there 10 minutes he said ‘I’ve only been gone for 1 minute’. Must have been a long one minute because in that time another customer had driven up, stood chatting to me for five minutes, tried to call the number on the front of the shop, then given up and gone again.
After this I sent off an email and today the Princess of Carphone Cuntheads emailed back to say ‘you still have to go in the store, and your cheque is for £60.’ She barely addressed ANY of my problems.
Hilariously, I then went back to the shop where I got told (by quite a nice man, oddly) the offer I got was ' a retention offer which WAS ONLY AVAILABLE VIA PHONE! I know, it’s funny, isn’t it?
When I started crying again they said that basically I should leave the carphone warehouse and get my billing via 02, as they could not do the upgrade for me. They said I now 'own the phone' contrary to the guy on the phone I spoke to who said I'd have to give the phone back if I got my billing through 02! Honestly, there might as well be a Carphone Warehouse magic 8 ball that you go and shake for answers for all the continuity of information you get.
I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing. If I ever got that cheque I think I’d drop down dead. The ironic part is I didn't even ring to ask for an upgrade in the first place: THEY RANG ME!
Having to deal with shit like this genuinely makes me want to commit suicide. The thought of another 50 years of this bullshit makes me just want to go and inject some heroin and be done with it. Then I wouldn’t even have an IPhone, I could just sell it for crack.

Monday, 15 March 2010

Klever Kitchens: A Eulogy

Yes, it's Monday night, soap time! Sorry the 'tainment has been on the quiet side, I'm in the process of moving house, so blogging has been replaced by calling up the council tax people, cleaning the oven and deciding which shoes to throw out. OK, I haven't really cleaned the oven. But I bought some oven cleaner!
TV has been pretty ropey anyway; I feel like the schedulers have forgotten about us; no good documentaries, no decent entertainment. American Idol has been too wishy washy this year, I can't get a handle on who I really like. I watched Dawn Porter's My Breasts Could Kill Me, but it was one of her weaker documentaries, unnecessarily dragged out over two shows, and consisting mainly of her going 'oh I'm really scared!' Zzzz. (you did get to see her boobs though, and they were pretty impressive).
The only programme I've been really getting off on is Celebrity Rehab! Dr Drew is my new idol. Download it! It's Big Brother, but with drug addict celebrities. What more do you want?
Anyway. SOAPS. Corrie has been quite good lately, what with Simon absconding from Blackpool (who could blame him?) Peter Barlow should kick that granddad's arse. I've never thought much of Leanne as a character but she's been quite good lately. Her sad but trying to be brave acting was quite good. Ken should never have let George take that child in the first place!
Jason with his top off! Gratuitous.
I've noticed Tina has looked less orange that usual since she's been grieving, it suits her. She's lost a lot of her chutzpah as a character in recent months though. I preferred her with David.
Gail looks like a Cluedo piece in that roll-neck. Gail on the boat with the puffa jacket. Deadly!
I do fancy Nicky Platt #2 a bit though; even though he's not just as good as Madame Rickett, I have a soft spot for him from when he was in Footballers Wives. I kind of like a jug-eared man from time to time, it's a bit sexy.
Mentions of Ton-eh! Aww I miss Ton-eh. Can't he come back? Acquit him! We need his googly eyed charms. He was ten times sexier than Nicky Platt #1 or #2.
Is Klever Kitchens going to have The Smiths played again as he's sent off into the furnace? He looked like a used car salesman in that photo atop the coffin.
I noticed John Partridge (aka Christian from Enders) slating Sean from Corrie the other day for being a 'tea time gay' (I think that means a gay who doesn't have sex). When DID they make Sean's character so wholly unlikeable? I used to really like his character but now all he seems to do is rubbish one-liners. He's got less depth than Kelly Crabtree.
Rita's back! Oh.
Ooh Kevin was horrible to Molly! Have that baby and leave it on his doorstep. That'll teach him.
Janice is back in her horse fleece! Horse fleece! Horse fleece! I swear she didn't wear it for about three years and now it's back. It was probably preserved in a museum; and rightly so.
Aw I just sobbed my socks off when Simon turned up! I want a Simon. And I hate children!
I'm glad Tina interrupted Gail's speech, it sounded dire. Elephant in the room indeed! That funeral ended a bit like I'd expect one of my own family funerals to end; with a virtual punch-up and someone shouting 'you're a family of freaks!'
Eastenders, on the other hand, has been dire. Somehow they managed to fluke a fairly decent live episode (except for Jack Branning bleating something about 'the public' by accident- projecting much?) but since then it's been dire; Max's search for Bradley's shoes, the return of Carol (and her puffa jacket- looks a bit like Gail's actually) and (god help us) the grime night. Even Dizzy gave that schtick up around 2002. Also, it feels like it's been snowing for about three weeks. Continuity fail.
Roxy's staff can't come in because of the snow? What, can't Chelsea walk 15 foot across the square? 85% of her staff live UPSTAIRS.
As for enfant dullard Danny Mitchell; what is the point? Take your 90s haircut and piss off to Hollyoaks.
Oh god and I forgot about Billy's 'friends' from Balham; some more well-rounded, 3-dimensional black characters from the Eastenders storyboard. INNIT.
Sorry I fell asleep there at the 'Ian's dirty washing' storyline. As for Lucy Beale's pregnancy; I couldn't give two shits. Where is Syed? Where is Christian? Why can't we just have a two-hander with them in?
God, now the 'gardening' storyline. This is interminable!
Ah, Corrie again. Suddenly Kevin wants to see Molly! Is it any wonder women use babies as currency in sex wars; they make good currency. They're a good bartering tool.
Peter vs George! Fight! Fight! Fight! Peter dealt with him quite nicely. It was more than he deserved. Not much to chew on in that second episode, really.
KEVIN. Change your jacket! Molly. Abort. Goodnight.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

BBC4: Women Libbers

This is part of the BBC4 Women series to celebrate International Women's Day and feminism. The first show was about women's lib in the late 60s and early 70s. I liked the opening statement 'Feminism is like a religion, I don't know how I would think without it.' I like that ideology; I COULD think without it, but I'd be much less of a person now if I didn't care about feminism and women's issues. I know; because I once was that person who didn't care about it. Yet today as I went up the escalator at King's Cross I divided the posters into 'sexist' and 'not sexist'. The sexist ones were mainly cartoons of blonde women in heels, shopping. These images permeate society. It's no wonder so many women haven't got a clue how to position themselves in society.
Who knew Cilla Black was a feminist icon? Not me! I might not have read The Female Eunuch (although if it's any good, I'll give it a go on audiobook) but I do understand the importance of access to abortion, access to jobs, access to freedom. The lack of those things is what equals oppression to me.
It's so exciting to hear views I believe in expressed eloquently on TV. So rare! Marilyn French was particularly cool; 'no man is going to save you'.
I feel continuously disappointed by my fellow woman; every time one changes her name unthinkingly when she marries, every time they say 'bird', every time they cheer on sports that would never accept them as participants. When you begin to see it, it is everywhere, and you can't stop.
It was quite exciting to see Germaine Greer all young and lippy in the 70s rather than shuffling around the Big Brother house after Jade Goody and her mum.
I kind of agree with her comments on not being a fan of marching (but I'm lazy) but I can understand the community spirit side of it even if it's not really for me.
The stuff about domestic roles was interesting; I have a completely equal relationship, in that there is no task that one or other of us is incapable of. I don't need someone to 'take the bins out' and my boyfriend picks up his own pants. So any mythological bunkum that men 'don't notice' washing up, or women can't hook up a stereo system is just bullshit. We both have brains and hands, we can both do it, and we both do it because we care about each other. I feel genuinely sorry for anyone living differently, and I know millions of women live differently to that, even women my age and younger. We have not progressed. Look at the adverts, look at TV shows. It's depressing.
Violence is another issue close to my heart, and women do live in fear of men, and always will. Men take for granted walking down the street at night; women find it frightening. We ARE prey, I totally agree with that.
Of course ALL men don't rape, but men should blame MEN for the fact they are seen as having this potential. I would be ashamed to be a man almost every day. Prisons are full of men. I watched a To Catch a Predator recently where they did a sting on hundreds of male paedophiles, and did not catch one woman. I'm not saying it never happens, that no women ever does it, because they do. But the number is minuscule in comparison.
The 'all women are lesbians' thing was interesting, that we can't be free unless we all go gay; I am curious about the idea of a society without men, except I don't fancy women, so it's difficult! I an envious of lesbian feminists though; just like I'm jealous of vegetarians. They really DO have the moral high ground!
Interesting stuff. So now it's 2010 and women's magazines are still telling you the 'right' way to have sex, and Loose Women is winning awards for 'factual entertainment'. The battle is far from won. I'll be interested to see the rest of this series.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

TV: My daughter grew another head and other true life stories

A TV show about Take a Break and it's ilk! Lols. True life stories are amazing! I'm definitely going to start reading those magazines (that you normally only read in doctor's waiting rooms) when I get too old for Heat.
Why is Robert Webb narrating this? I wonder how much he gets paid for this bullshit? Ah, who cares. I got a true life story submitted to Just 17 about having a threesome and I MADE IT UP! They quizzed me over the phone. I think I got about £50 and they changed my name.
The worst thing about those true life stories is how badly they're written. They are painful to read, no matter how creatively bizarre the titles.
The titles of the magazines are good though; Pick Me Up and Love It sound like porn mags.
There were too many zany titles and not enough in depth interviews with people on this show. The titles are good but I wanted to know more! I ran over my fiance... I snogged a swan... but oh, the writing. My blood DOES run cold. These people call themselves journalists? It makes me weep. Oh they make stuff up? How don't say.
How DO you snog a swan?! Swans are vicious.
The guy who's friend was a cannibal seemed to think it was highly amusing! LOL, my m8 ate sum1! Ho ho.
I don't think the 'old people looking at magazines and passing judgement' device really worked in this show. I'd rather hear more from the actual people.
Someone felt unfairly treated by a journalist! Join the queue behind Morrissey and Alex Reid.
This show didn't miss one trick, but several. It promised a lot and didn't give us as much as the title suggested. JUST LIKE THOSE MAGAZINES. There's a lesson here.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Album: Baby Bird: Ex-Maniac

I've got two confessions to make. One, I only have one other song by Baby Bird, the sublimely heart-breaking Back Together. I saw him doing it on TFI Friday after my heart got broken for the first time and had to clear myself up off the floor afterwards. Secondly, I heard about the new Baby Bird single on Live From Studio Five, where he was hawking his wares on the back of Johnny Depp playing guitar on his album (why?!) Studio Five has weird guests, today they had Sonique, who I once tried to speak to outside a club, but couldn't because my mouth had stopped working. But I digress. From TFI Friday to Live from Studio Five; that's anti-progress.
So why did I never dig up more Baby Bird stuff in the intervening decade? Well, his back catalogue just seemed a little messy and hit and miss, like a Ryan Adams for the 90s. But Unloveable (nod to Moz) his new song just sounded lovely, so I gave the rest of the album a crack.
In the first song he seems to be talking about knife crime and being at school. It's a bit like Brian Molko talking about his algebra test; a little shaky. There is just something inherently likeable about his voice though.
The second song is rather literally called Drug Time and is about... well. Next there's a song about suicide. Ian Wright didn't mention this on Studio Five. It's kind of jangly and bittersweet.
Unloveable comes on like Chasing Cars, in a good way. It's a really striking song; just something about it grabbed me, and it wasn't Johnny Depp. It's just one of those songs that's for you, and you can't explain why, it just is.
Send me back my dreams is a bit nothingy, but the rest of our lives is great, and about love and death, which is what all the best things are made of.
Bastard has quite funny lyrics. Roadside Girl has really romantic lyrics, with no twist in the tale, unless it's about having sex in the back of a van, which I just made up.
The last three songs are a bit plodding, but nothing is really offensive, and that is a compliment for an album as there's normally one that makes you want to smoke crack, like In the Cold Light of the Morning by Placebo on the brilliant Meds.
The whole album has decent tunes that you can sing along to, intelligent lyrics and a nice feel to it. It makes me pine for the days when Idlewild could write a melody. It's summery, but for people who don't like summery stuff. It's certainly the first thing that's interested me in a while.
I am tied to the 90s. There's nothing I can do about it. It's my age.