Friday, 31 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Samantha, you swore you never turned that trick before

Oh my God! I'm drunk. I just watched the most exciting veto episode of BBUS yet. Absolutely FUCKING AMAZING. The drama! I know it's fake, but it's just so, so good. I implore you to start watching it if you're not. Watch the whole lot, every series, from series 2. It's better than Breaking Bad. I'm not joking.
Anyway, here we are. I just need to come back down to earth. So you couldn't do as I suggested and save Danica and Coleen, as it's a double eviction. My boyfriend thinks it's unfair to have a double eviction when there's three up. I suppose, but what are they going to do, there's a lot still to get out.
The Situation's punishment of not being able to nominate for the rest of the series isn't that serious if you think that there's probably only two rounds of nominations left. I don't think his nominations are that vital anyway; he's quite floaty.
The Sitch: 'I don't like being punished.' I think he means, 'Sorry I cheated.' Sitch; you've let a lot of people down, Grandma J-woww, Snooki, and that other one. He doesn't even know Snooki's named her baby Lorenzo, yet. Awkward. All I know about Jersey Shore, I've learnt from Beavis and Buthhead.
Julian bonding with Lorenzo; I don't think it's hurting his game to tell his story of coming out. And I'm sure he knows that.
I feel a bit sorry for Coleen, especially as it's likely she'll leave tonight before Julie.
Is Danica bending over in the Diary Room with a bow tie on? LOL.
Samantha; yeah, you are the underdog. You haven't been 'playing' anyone, because no one is the slightest bit interested in you.
My boyfriend voted too late because we started watching it 20 minutes late! He's one of those people Brian has to patronise about the plus 1, lol.
Who said 'fucking twat' after that leopard print conversation? OMG it was Julie. What a cunt! Coleen will get a lot of sympathy votes for that, and rightly so.
Ballet task. The quotes are absolutely inspired.
Who does Samantha Brick thinks she is, Dannii Minogue, swapping seats to sit next to Simon Cowell?
Where's the titties in this ballet? If the quote mentions titties, you should at least mime 'titties' in the dance.
'He's totally lost his balls.' Sitch knows how to do a good handstand. They all seem strangely athletic. Is ballet this easy? I liked the eating of the balls at the end - hilarious.
This task is quite surreal. What do they win? Nobody ever knows. Are Julian and Martin doing devil horns for Julie? Where was the pie?! That ballet task was a vote rig if every I've seen it.
'Get the bitch out - Danica.' That's a nice sign. Should those people be allowed crayons? I reckon those signs are handed out as the crowd come in, don't you? Jamie East probably colours them in. The crowd are chanting 'get Julie out' lol. Makes a change for the crowd to be on target. I wonder if Julie heard it?
They should play 'Brick Shithouse' by Placebo when Samantha comes out. 'Don't you wish you never met her?' Or 'Journalists who lie' although it's got no tune, so that might not work.
I like Samantha's dress. She's not getting that badly booed. I think indifference is worse, really, isn't it? You can see with people like her and Rhian why they're not celebrities, because they don't have much presence.
My boyfriend is timing Sam's interview as he doesn't think she's going to get more than four minutes. He's just offered me a title of 'Sam-blander.'
Samantha's hair looks worse than mine when I go to work in the morning. Does she not have a straightening iron? A hairdryer? Yeah the troll Samantha just sits behind a keyboard. She has no game. 'I put on my work hat'. That's one of my most hated expressions ever; I've got this 'hat' on. No you haven't. Fuck off.
A Daily Mail journalist talking about a 'moral compass'. Funnies. Like when Peter Hitchens tried to take down Russell Brand and failed.
Samantha is a 'kindred spirit' with the Sitch? Rilly? GET JULIE OUT. GET JULIE OUT.
Why isn't Samantha getting more shit from the crowd? Fuck her. 'Coleen is a manipulator' - no, she was genuinely upset. Brian is telling us what the crowd is thinking again.
She's had like a ten minute interview! I don't care what she has to say. Fuck off back to France. I don't care about your cooking. LOL to Julian calling her 'common' in her best bits. Sweet.
Samantha wants Ashley to win. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Ha, her husband is there. Has he got his shotgun with him?
Are they booing Brian's 'if you're watching on +1 speech'?
Sitch's pec dancing was quite funny. His body is not nice, in my opinion. Nor is his face.
Lorenzo smokes, too. They're all chuffing like chimneys in there.
I hate people who judge other people for their dietary issues. What's it got to do with you what Coleen eats? All the more for you, isn't it? Leave her be.
Oh no, Danica's out. That sucks. I thought Coleen would get a big sympathy vote tonight. Coleen is not that interesting, though.
So how rude is Brian going to be to Danica? My boyfriend guessed they'd play 'Maneater.' one second before they played it. I thought it was going to be 'Gold digger.'
Danica is cool, calm and collected. I don't think she's going to let Brian make her shit-eat. It's not her fault if two people fancy her. Yeah, she did encourage it, but so fucking what? SO WHAT.
Danica's 'beautiful boyfriend' didn't look too happy. He also had an enormous nose.
Brian: 'do you ever think you crossed the line?' STFU. That's up to her boyfriend, not you.
Don't apologise, Danica, don't let them slut-shame you! OMG you're giving them everything they want.
I just like her spirit. Don't let them break your spirit. Interesting that Danica wants Coleen to win.
OMG, Brian digging her out about her wishlist! LOL someone bought her the 'multi-gym'. Jasmine was carping about that multi-gym. Her boyfriend looks livid!
Yay, get Julie out! And Julie heard it. I'm absolutely thrilled. I'll be sad not to see Danica in the house anymore, though. She didn't force those people to spend 6K whilst she was in the house. They just did. So there.

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Too much food, not enough cigarettes

Fucking hell, just watched yesterday's BOTS and they might as well have renamed it the 'Danica is a whore' show. Well known morality oracle and uber-doofus, Paul Ross was calling her a bad person as if it's some scientifically verified fact. I would have thought he'd support talentless people riding on coattails; after all, he's made a career out of it. Emma Willis was also sticking the knife into Danica all night long. Tragic. I honestly think they do it to make us vote more.
Julie and Samantha bitching! Bitch bitch bitch, it's just like Ashleigh slagging off Lauren all over again, when she did nothing to warrant it.  'Isn't it horrible?' Yes, isn't it! Two haggard old witches, stirring the pot.
Julie, you haven't been yourself, because you had me fooled you were a nice person for about three days. Now your real self has emerged. And it's ugly.
What is this 'emergency dental appointment' for Julian?! That shouldn't be allowed. He doesn't look in pain.
Martin's polishing his halo in the Diary Room, whilst being just as much of a backstabber as Julie.
This God's task has really messed up all those who were Gods' though, because they think they know EVERYTHING and they've become too smug.
Samantha's fringe is really upsetting me. When your fringe goes on the wonk, you go for the side fringe. Simple.
Shopping list times! £50 on fags. I wouldn't allow that! Julian: 'too much food, not enough cigarettes.' Rhian just wants a pack of cigarettes and some face wipes. Is that part of a balanced diet? Most of the celebrities smoke, don't they? Smoking is cool, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh. RIP.
OMG Julie is so FAKE. 'I can't imagine it without you, I love you so much.' Give that old bitch an Oscar, because she really deserves one. At least Big Brother edited that fairly, showing the contrast. Coleen had her sussed since Day 1. Danica has not lied to someone's face like Julie has. Julie should be ashamed of herself. Imagine how Danica will feel when she comes out and sees that?
Julie would seem like the perfect housemate if you were in there, because she literally just agrees with everything the person she's speaking to is saying. Her word means less than nothing. Trouble is, you can't fool the public playing that sort of game.
How did Julian's trip to the dentist go? I hope he was escorted better than on Rhian and Jasmine's trip to the supermarket.
Why does everyone hate Coleen so much? I mean, I find her boring and mumsy, but I'm on her side just because I don't get the vendetta against her. Face to face nominations ruin Julie's gameplan, don't they? It's unfair because 'the Gods' will nominate for things they saw on the TV.
My boyfriend just said exactly what I was thinking; the only reason they mentioned Julian went to the dentist was because he mentioned it then right before the 'live' nominations and they couldn't bleep it out. So Lord knows what other appointments they're going to during the day; chiropractor, masseur, brothel, betting shop.
Nominations: Harvey might as well have just said 'bro's before ho's' for his nomination.
Julian nominated the DMJ and The Occasional Table as usual.
Coleen nominated Samantha and her rat-teeth, and Sitch. Why no nomination for Julie? Oh, cos it's F2F. Coward!
Prince Lorenzo nommed Julian and Julie. Brave. He'll pay for that.
Ashley: *Unintelligible mumbling* They shouldn't be allowed to nominate because of things they saw on the screen, I don't agree with it whatsoever.
Julie: Danica looked shocked at Julie's nomination. Coleen did not. I still don't get the 'moving from group to group' thing.
Interesting that Martin nominated Sam 'because she wants to go home' and Julian because he had a tooth removed. Cop out noms! Those aren't the real reasons. Where's the 'BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?' woman when you need her. You're worried Julian is going to beat you at the end, more like.
The Situation: Julie's obviously been in his ear about Coleen. Ooh, and he nominated Danica to her face. Ouchy.
Sam: Nommed Coleen and Danica. 'We don't respect men the same way'? You have no respect for women.
Danica: Nominated Sam and Ashley. At last a nomination for Ashley. Called Harvey, Ashley and Sitch out for being bullies. LOL. The 'b' word. Gotta love it.
Stop bullying Danica! It's hardly Conor and Deana again, is it? She's just upset she's up.
Martin: 'The whole 'bed club thing'. The first rule of bed club is you stick to the one bed. Martin's.
I think Danica is right to be upset with Sitch, and I believe she would never have nominated him. He's just cockblocked and on the attack. Gold glittery eyeshadow tears. Careful, you'll get a shard in your eye. Don't waste any (joke!)
Hold up, The Sitch isn't allowed to switch nominations halfway through! That's cheating, isn't it?
I actually feel sorry for Coleen. She got stitched up with that task. The others had an unfair advantage watching her conversations; what about that conversation Julie had with Samantha at the start of the show?
Coleen is RIGHT: Julie IS 'so fucking two-faced.' Spot on, she does not love those people. I felt genuinely upset for Coleen then.
Aw, that conversation was cute between Sitch and Julian. Sitch was very cool about that nomination; gracious.
Ashley and Harvey aren't bullies but they sure are pricks. Actually, Ashley did try and bully Rhian into having sex with him. Forgot about that.
Harvey: your earring makes you look like a tool. 'How she's acting is wrong.' Is he a fucking vicar or something now? Two-time love cheat wifebeater Harvey? How can him and Jasmine judge others with a straight face, seriously?! You are ARSEHOLES.
Harvey on Danica's flirting: 'It's not fine.' IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! You're not her boyfriend, what's it got to do with you? SHUT THE FUCK UP! Argh, just shouted at the screen. Not good. Scares the cat. It's up to DANICA'S BOYFRIEND what he puts up with, not HARVEY, not the British public, and not anyone else. Drop dead, Harvey, you hypocritical little fucknut. You sexist little weasel.
Brick has to go. The power has to go back to Danica and Coleen's side, or Julie and her ASBO alliance are going to win this fucker. Do the right thing. Save Danica AND Coleen.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Happily ever after

Ooh I just can't resist! Because I know I'll have something to say and I can't go on Twitter because it's midnight and I'll spoilerise myself. Patrick Wolf was... interesting. The people behind us were complaining loudly, so I told them to 'fucking go home if they weren't enjoying it' and they did. Win! It was kind of a win for them too, as the rest of the show was a bloody shambles. We had a good giggle, though. Anyway, on with the show, as the man himself says.
Note Martin Kemp stepping in to tell Ashley and Harvey (King Tut-tut-tut) to watch their shit-stirring. He's stirred up that hornet's nest and now he's backing away slowly. I remember him doing all the 'hook/line/sinker' mimes, he was stoking that fire along with everything else. This task has run its course. Sup up and fuck off.
Are you telling me the housemates can't tell that it's the others doing the BB voiceovers? They're not idiots!
Harvey and Ashley are really shooting themselves in the foot here. 'Your boyfriend allows you to hug other men!' I hugged 'another man' twice tonight. Fair enough, he was gay, but so was everyone at the Patrick Wolf gig.
I don't really like this new bit where they do a plea to stay in the BB house. It kind of gets on my nerves. I don't like it BBUS and I don't like it here. 
The Situation's speech was more like it. None of them can do 20 seconds. Another Big Brother fail.
'Danica is foraging in the bedroom'. With her arse out. I hate them all watching and passing judgement more than I hate Danica stealing their sweeties. So there.
Samantha Brick: 'that woman is poison.' Well, you are, too, and at least Danica's got a nice arse. I like Danica's hair colour, too, I wonder if it's real.
I haven't seen much of Julian Clary tonight. Why is Martin telling them he saw everything? He's game-playing. They could have kept that up their sleeve. Is he trying to look like the 'good guy' doing that? I can't work him out.
Why is Rhian selling Danica down the river because Ashley is saying he's 'seen stuff'. I've seen, I've seen, I've seen stranger things, man. Pathetic.
I HATE Julie now. Her mask has COMPLETELY slipped. Coleen is worried that she's said something, obviously. This is really unfair, actually, and making me feel sorry for Coleen.
Julian has galvanized the new 'outsiders': him, Danica, Prince, Coleen. But the interesting part is Julie is on the opposing side.
What is this 'mixing' Julie speaks of? Can we have an example? What does it mean, mixing, going from group to group? Where is the accusation exactly? I'm not sure Julian is buying it.
I think Coleen has been wearing that dress for two days now.
Sitch is twitching. He's apologising to Danica. Aw, she apologised back. Right after the voting closed.
FUCK OFF, Julie! It's YOU mixing, not anyone else. Put the wooden spoon away.
The Situation to Danica: 'we really had something in this house'. He's living in fantasy land. Still, bless him. 'Can we have a hug?' Only if you pay for it.
Samantha: don't tar all young women with the same imaginary slut brush you've pulled out of your arse. Stick your article.
Danica wants to go for a meal with Prince Lorenzo. 'The steam coming off the tub... that moon.' Do people always talk in these fairytale riddles to her? No wonder she's so cynical! I'd find it hard to stop myself rolling my eyes. This music they're playing is like something out of Twin Peaks.
Is that Samatha's best hairdo for the night?  I like Danica's gold glittery eyeshadow.
YES! Danica is safe. I knew the horrendous edit they've been giving her would save her. And I voted for her today. Take that, sexism. I knew it would be her and Sitch safe.
I do feel a bit sorry for Rhian. She's been treated like crap in that house and overlooked in favour of Danica, because Danica has had stronger 'storylines'.
Danica can't 'physically believe we've saved her.' I bet Julie can't believe it either, lol. Hope Brick goes so it's one in the eye for that side of the house.
So more people voted to save Samantha Brick than Rhian? Er... why? You think just totty-wise she'd have been thrown a few votes. My boyfriend is agog.
Rhian looks good, I like her Barbie-doll dress. She must be gutted to be gone before the DMJ (Daily Mail Journalist). At least Martin Kemp, chief shit-stirrer, will be happy.
Rhian should have stuck up for herself over the Ashley situation, but this clip says more about him than it does about her.
Brian, stop slut-shaming, you fucking prick. Feely touchy! She has a boyfriend! Boundaries, shmounderies, no means no. Get it, got it, good.
WTF: 'your boyfriend has declined to come here tonight, how does that make you feel, [you slut]?' (Brian's thoughts in brackets). How judgemental is that?!
Brian has treated Rhian about 50 times worse than he treated Conor when he was interviewed for this show. I'm utterly disgusted. He basically told her she was dumped and then 'interviewed' her for another ten minutes i.e. dug her out for being a slag.
I'm getting sick of this show and it's hatred for women. It's really making me angry. Another fail for Big Brother. Let's keep voting Danica to win as one in the eye for them. I'd like to see Brian have to be nice to her, and I'd like to see Julie's and The Situation's face.  
Over and out.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Sackcloth and clashes

I'm getting sick of this vendetta against Danica now. A women who makes money out of her sexuality must be crushed. Must be booed. Must have her spirit crushed. Must have her hymen stitched up again and the sheet waved out on the street once her Prince comes. Fucking SPARE ME! It's making me SICK. *spits feathers*
This task is annoying. Are they giving Julie enough rope to hang herself? Imagine if Danica was lying there being fed by the 'cherubs'. Whore/slut/ bitch, etc. Sigh. Love that camera angle where it looked like Julie was giving that guy a blowjob.
I wouldn't eat that manky old bruised banana from Morrisons. This is making me literally want to upchuck. Wow, it didn't underline upchuck. That is an actual word.
Martin is really getting on my nerves tonight. He's become something worse than boring; unlikeable.
Oh so they can watch what the housemates are doing? Why are we only being told about this now, or did I get dirt in my eye in the last part?
Uh oh, Harvey is hearing them slagging him off. It's quite mild though, it's just them telling the truth really. That pie in the face wasn't THAT bad. Gone off Julie. Gone off a lot of these people, actually.
If I had to hang out with any of these housemates, it would be Julian, Rhian, Danica and Prince Lorenzo.
Harvey: 'she'll start her trickery again.' What is she, a fucking sourceress?
At least they didn't show Rhian's nominations, but that's still cruel doing that to her. The Situation doesn't know what a skivvy is. Ashley you sacrificed your dignity long ago, sunshine.
The Gods are just going to pick whoever they like the most. Why do they love Ashley so much? Are they seeing something I'm not? My boyfriend reckons it's because he's weak and easily led.
The Situation is having a little hissy fit. He looks like an angry Fred Flinstone. Wiiiiiiiiiiiilma!
Harvey and Ashley in there is like Jay and Anton in the crypt; NOT TV Gold. TV shite. Who do they think they are? They aren't so much douchebags, as douche change purses.
I can't believe people actually still call him 'The Situation' in conversation. It's mental.
Are we seeing Situation's sensitive side in the DR? Does he really care about Ashley that much? NO. He's miffy-ied about getting cockblocked and that's it. Get it, got it, good.
How has Sitch seen the websites he's on? He hasn't! He's just been caught out as the feeble, boring man he is. The Sitch has been potato-sacked. Took one for the team, uhuhuhuhuhuh.
Good on Danica telling Sitch what's what. 'It's not my problem that you fancy me and I don't fancy you back.' Exactly.
Look at Julie stuffing her face. Ugh!
LOL at Prince Lorenzo not able to escape 'The Situation.'. She's right, Sitch is petty. I'd love to read Lorenzo's mind right now. Yeah, shut up about your Lamborghini, Sitch. And your abs.  
Wow, Coleen and Julian are actually backing her up. Thank God. Some sense! Someone speaks sense. They didn't back her up at the time, did they? But even so, it's something.
Danica would prefer a bottle of perfume from Rhian than a Lamborghini from Sitch. Er... will socks, do?
Fuck off, Brick, you old hag. I can't wait to see you get the boot.
Sitch is stomping round like a little kid who hasn't got his own way.
I hate this wishy washy alliance of Martin, Julie, Ashley and Harvey. The moral majority! Fucking spare me. A wifebeater, a murderer (well, Steve Owen, anyway), Bet Lynch, a known cow, and Ashley, a little turd.
I can't wait to read Samantha's hit-piece on Danica when she gets out. Does this idiot know what The Situation does for a living? He does THE SAME DAMN THING. Except he fucks girls on TV. HYPOCRITES!
LOL to Danica hiding under Prince Lorenzo's sack. I've noticed her hide under a lot of things, blankets, jackets. Oh STFU Martin, just because she never went for you. Cos you're TOO OLD.
Imagine Ashley saying 'bless his cotton socks' about you. Ouch. This is cruel letting them watch this conversation, it's nasty. I feel sorry for Prince. He's a bit vulnerable! But let's not forget: he's a grown man. He can look after himself. He doesn't need protecting.
So I think I'm going out tomorrow night (to see Patrick Wolf at the Old Vic, see it's not all trash culture with me) so I don't think I'll get time to do a blog, but if I've got the spirit we'll do a podcast when I get back but that won't be until after midnight. And if my spirit is broken, I might not not even make it! But I'll do my very best.
If Danica goes, I'm going to be fucking livid. Save Danica; evict Brick!  

Monday, 27 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Le Situationé

Sorry I'm late, I was watching BBUS and Breaking Bad, both of which were heart-racing rollercoasters of emotion, literally the two best shows on TV bar none. If you're not watching them, you're nuts.
I'm hoping for the same from BBUK. Instead I think I'm going to get a big fat dose of misogyny and the wrong people up for nomination.
If I was Danica I'd be so sick of these men all trying to take a chunk of her. She doesn't OWE THEM anything.
Julian, someone asking you if you're alright is not that awful, even if they are a 'Daily Mail journalist', which she isn't, she just wrote a hit piece or two. £2 a word? That IS nice work if you can get it. Imagine if I got £2 a word for this bullshit. I'd be a millionaire.
Who died and made Julie Queen of the house? The Situation has such a spud-face. What a lucky bastard to be in the position he's in. Julie is DISCUSSING NOMINATIONS as well. 'You're my boy, I've got your back etc'. Come on, we all know what this means.
Don't worry about your continuity on BB, Martin. You're consistently dullsville. Martin IS a bit of a let down, isn't he? He is playing a game, but it's more like bingo than Big Brother.
So let me get this right, it's OK for The Situation to bring back 30 females to a hotel room for sex in fact 'it's really funny', says Daily Mail journalist Samantha Brick. Can't they see what's right in front of their face? Can you imagine if Danica said she had 30 guys in a hotel room? Come on. Imagine it. Imagine how different that conversation would be. Danica says that. Would Samantha find it funny? Don't you feel sick to your stomach at the double standard? In any situation where you're about to call a woman a 'slag' imagine a it's man you're thinking about, and suddenly it's a different story, isn't it? It's so unfair. It's 2012, for fuck's sake, are we still this backward? NEITHER is wrong, incidentally. Webcam bullshit, soft porn, groupies, whatever floats your boat, knock yourself out. Just the double standard is wrong.
Harvey, what a shock nominating Danica. Not your kind of woman? No, you prefer ones you can push around a little more easily, don't you?
Was expecting Coleen to go after both the girls, but she didn't. Nominated Brick for being a Stepford wife. I say if someone wants to be a Stepford wife, let them get on with it. I don't give a fuck. Let's stop judging other women's lifestyle choices, hey, how about that?
Julie and Julian continue to make a great double act, but I'm not buying her for a minute anymore. She's about 20 times faker than Danica.
Harvey's poisoned hug with Coleen, lol.
Rhian, stop nominating Martin, no one is is going to put him up! Ha, she nominated The Sitch for the couch story. Sofa, so good! I couldn't personally give a shit if Sitch burnt down a sofa. He's got 4mil, it's peanuts to him. I couldn't give a shit about that. If he wants to set fire to his money, go for it.
Judo-twonk nominated exactly who you'd expect him to nominate; the girls who won't sleep with him. 'I'd love for her to stay' - nominate someone else, then, prick. I have no time for that little dickhead whatsoever.
Martin didn't nominate Rhian for once. He's peed off with Danica, though. Probably because she's not flirting with him.
Julie is not only telling Sitch who to vote for, she's using the sexist terminology: 'man up'. Is she not going to get called up for this? Blatant nomination talk yesterday and today, and nothing done about it (yet).
Julie: keep your fucking beak out of other people's business! Why do people defend Ashley or even like him, he comes across like a little thug. As for her defending Sitch, why doesn't she go home, stick the Jersey Shore box set, and then go say sorry to Danica. OK, bye.
Oh boo woo, Sitch, Danica doesn't fancy you, tough shit. 'Love of your life' - what's he talking about? I think he's got his Big Brother brain on, as the Irrepressible Dark Horse used to say. 
LOL to Martin and Lorenzo moaning about having to mix with 'club class' (ie. the hoi polloi) on their jets. Way to pick up votes from the high class BB voters (ie. me).
Samantha used to have a Mercedes for her dogs. Is this the 'I've got more money than you' episode? I like Julian's cardigan and nominating Lorenzo for going on about his Harley Davidson.
WTF has it got to do with you what Danica does, Samantha? Mind your own bloody business.
Prince: 'throw me under the bus' - BBUS fighting talk.
So who's up? Danica, Samantha, The Situation and Rhian. I hope Samantha goes, and besides, who would vote to save her? I'm going to vote to save Danica.
Julian is not happy with The Sitch's bragging about getting in fights.Sitch's pretend shocked face about Danica. You nominated 'the love of your life.' No one is comforting him again. I think he's struggling not having people falling at his feet. It's a good life lesson for him that he doesn't have global currency.
Fuck off, Julie, you don't decide who goes home, we do. No one's going to vote to save Samantha except her crazy husband, and isn't he in France?
Julian's bedtime story was the lols. No one could have done that better than him. Aw, I love his doggies. Even Prince looked teary.
We don't care if Samantha has been cooking you meals, that doesn't entertain us. It's of no interest to viewers whatsoever. Remember she said that she wouldn't write about people in the house. Remember it! And then read it in about a week's time. Saturday, is we're lucky.

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Shame on your arse

I like the look of this Big Brother task with Jasmine's mum sent in as a stooge. Cruel, but funny. Danica: 'Can you see me?' in the shower. That will be £500 pounds, please. They are stitching her up so bad. Don't get me wrong, she knows exactly what she's doing, but these are grown men. They know what she does for a living. The Situation is a professional 'player' from what I've heard. Prince L has been on The Batchelor, choosing between women as if they were chocolate bars. So, they're hardly innocent virgins. Let's make this very clear again: they're BOTH in the BUSINESS of PLAYING GIRLS ON TV. Let's not forget that whilst we get out our pitchforks and condemn Danica as a slut/ prick tease/ whore/ other words that only exist for women, not men. I think Danica is a smart cookie. Playas getting played? Boo woo.
Coleen trying to chum up with Julie now she's lost her partner in crime.Not sure I'm buying it, yet.
I'm glad they're onto Harvey being a complete dick too, obviously Saint Harvey doesn't have a blot on his character!
Nice one to Julie saying the truth: what Danica does is not wrong. She doesn't put a gun to mens' head. It's legal. Benedict was offering his escorting services on Twitter today, which I also don't have a problem with (at least you know what you're getting and he's not a mad axe man, I'd invite him round just to chat about Big Brother for an hour - well, that's the story I'd tell my boyfriend) but imagine if that was a female BB contestant doing that? There would be UPROAR. I'm sick to fucking death of these double standards, I'm sick to fucking death of little scrotums like Harvey passing judgement on women whilst beating women and making up some fairy story about fucking Cheryl Cole and everyone's like 'that's cool.' I'm sick of little pricks like Judo-twat pretending he's something to be admired, any sort of athlete, whilst he sits their puffing on a fag. What a role model. No, what a douche. No wonder you won fuck all.
So they're sending Jasmine's mum in to pretend to be a TV psychic. She looks like she could be a psychic.Cool to see Jasmine back looking like a badass. Her clothes look cool.
Julie doesn't like the new housemate. 'Well fuck off then... I'm only kidding-ish.' They always hate new housemates, don't they?
Two people have called Jasmine's mum a tranny, now. Julian's onto her and said 'has she got a prosthetic face and is it John Barrowman in disguise'?
LOL to Julie pulling faces behind her back. Harvey's onto her mentioning an earpiece. If that thick twat's onto you, you can't be very convincing.
Jasmine's mum reminds of Carole Malone. LOL to Jasmine's mum calling Samantha Brick a dog and then making her cry about her dead dog for good measure.
Jasmine: 'Danica is the whore.' ZING!
Danica is not feeling it. She refused to speak to Danica's mum. I like the fact she's not falling for it. Danica FTW! I know it could never happen, but she's the smartest woman in the house by a country mile.
LOL to Samatha calling Jasmine a 'fucking bitch.' just before Jasmine tried to give her immunity. Danica's filing her nails aggressively. I'm glad those people didn't get immunity. I don't want Rhian and Danica to be the sacrificial lambs this week; even though it's obvious they will be.
Ha - 'so she heard us calling her mother a guy' - kind of like double revenge isn't it? They do say 'what goes around comes around' - well, morons do.
Danica cries: Jasmine wins again. Yes, it is a bit PERSONAL calling someone a 'whore'. It's anti-women and disgusting.
Julian: 'I don't think it means Jasmine's evil.' Er, Jasmine IS evil, but she's entertaining. It's not very fair because Danica can't really defend herself. I think that could have helped Danica come nomination time, though.
UGH I hate Ashley so much. Beavis and Butthead are more mature than him.
Danica has got a good body, and there is something magnetic about her. I'm glad I'm not a man stuck in a house with her because I think I'd be after her, too.
Fuck I just realised I think I've got the same hairdo as Julie Goodyear.
The Situation: 'I think things will be a lot clearer once the titties are out of the way.' NOMINATION TALK! And objectification all at once. Play that one over the loudspeakers, please, asap. They'd better not let that one slide.

Friday, 24 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Trott along

Are these our highlights; Julian smearing jam on his face? It's clear he doesn't give a shit if he goes, he's got his paycheck.
Hev prefered last week's face to face nominations; bet you did as everyone went for the easy targets. Did she really say 'ting'?
Fool me once! The Occasional Table is having a little cry because Damica didn't look after him when he got nommed. No, let's get real, he's upset because she doesn't fancy him and because she's playing him like a fucking fiddle. I think this girl is going to have a shock when she comes out of the house because he's got 4 million followers on Twitter and she's destroyed whatever egotistical image he had - she's probably destroyed his entire career. I always, always defend women from the usual 'prick tease' sexist bullshit. I think maybe that's just the way she is, and I think she can separate her emotions from her sexuality quite easily.
Julian, you don't need to campaign in the BB house. You campaign in the BBUS house. Is he actually bothered about being up? He hides it well.
I've voted to save Prince Lorenzo as I think he's most at risk and I'd love to see Coleen or Cheryl walk out the door.
Sitch must be at a low if he's confiding in Julian. Samantha just said to Prince she didn't nominate him. Rule break, rule break! 
Julian: 'I suppose she said something interesting last Friday.' on Samantha Brick: lol. I love his interactions with Julie. He's right, Sitch and Ashley aren't used to girls saying no to them, so it will be a good life lesson.
Julian and Sitch in top two - holler! I think it did mean more to Julian than he let on, actually. And the Sitch has got a massive fanbase; I have no idea why, but there it is.
Shit, they're making them do pleas to stay in the house! This is BBUS style, too. I'm not really that fond of that bit, and they didn't put the phone line up straight after, so what's the point.
Why is Prince Lorenzo getting booed? He's not done anything bad in the house.
Flower task: just more hate shitstirring from BB. Danica is not coming out of this well, and Sitch is getting a big sympathy vote.
If I overheard Harvey slagging me off, I'd go out there and tell him what's what. Harvey and Ashley are both privileged, entitled little brats. They're just slut-shaming little knobs.
Friends do not share beds; double or otherwise. He's trying to force into bed with him! I don't sleep in beds with my male friends. Has this little Judo knob every even had a girlfriend before? How dare he treat her like that? She's got a boyfriend, she doesn't want to get into bed with you! He reminds me of Kirk Norcross; just this feeling of how he's entitled to any women he sets his mind on.
Sitch won't take no for an answer either. This is a show that's being sold as a 'what awful prick teases' episode, but what it should actually be sold at is the 'little boys who won't take no for an answer' episode.
I can see Princess Danica getting ideas!
Samantha is getting a tell off. Judo dickhead just said who he nominated, too.  Ha, they called him up on it.
I couldn't give two shits about hot water! I didn't have a bath for the past two days because I had two days off work. Fuck hot water!
Ashley will not take no for an answer! He's trying to bully her into having sex with him. Can she take a restraining order out against him?
Why is Prince Lorenzo so upset about the boos? Has he never been booed before in his palaces (plural)? Seems like his ego's taken a hit.
LOL Cheryl went! On our screens for 5 years in Eastenders and still no one wants to look at her. Her eviction outfit is a lot nicer tonight. Evicted over someone we've never even heard of! I didn't see that coming. She was 25/1 to be evicted by the bookies; wish I'd put a tenner on her.
I'm not sorry to see her go; I found her dull and unfunny. I only wish it had been Coleen. I don't get the Loose Women vote; unless it's some OAPs who are old Noleen Sisters fans. WTF is a crunch! Vaginas aren't crunchy. They're squishy.
Hev: offed again. Oh well. Duf, duf, duf, duf, duf, duf, duf etc. The end.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Do you think I give a fuck right now?

OMG just watched BBUS. It outclasses our BB times a billion. My heart races at all the twists and turns! It's just non stop adrenaline, lies and backstabbing, and those people don't get voted out; they go the distance! Amaze.
Meanwhile yesterday BBUK treated us to three and a half hours of complete rubbish, punctuated only by a few seconds of Jasmine's evil genius. You can see why Simon Cowell likes her; she sure knows how to deliver a one liner. On Nina on BOTS: 'I didn't even know she was still alive.'
Well, 'it's too early' wasn't a denial from Julie, was it? I think she is playing a game, but don't we like a gameplayer/planner these days?
It's not very good that they were allowed to talk 'off the record' on the way to the supermarket, was it? Another production fail. Julie, you've been caught out, just admit it, it's no sweat. You can like two people at the same time, it's no biggie.
Julie said 'situation' uhuhuhuhuhuh. I'm going off leopard print again. Julie and Rhian are like the before and after plastic surgery advert.
Jasmine didn't 'kick off' this morning, she asked you politely what was what, Julie. Don't milk it. I think my mum might have been right about Julie all along. Can we move on from this non 'storyline' now? It hardly matters anyway, Jasmine's gone now, sadly. What were the percentages? I still don't know.
Rhian can't wait to be reuinited with her phone *insert joke here*. Oh get on with it, all this piano and fading in and out is tedious.
Saying 'good luck both of you' is pointless; you might as well say 'good luck neither of you.'
I loved it when Jasmine told Harvey what was what. Tut tut tut! I hate Harvey coming over like a goody-goody when we all know. We all know.
I think we lost the smartest person in the house. It just so happened she was batshit crazy. Well at least we've got Rhian to provide the entertainment....zzzz.
Why are they all cooking right after an eviction? You think you'd be too pumped up to eat.
I'm going to have to fast foward through these nominations, because there's no way in hell I'm sitting through this again. Last night was absolutely ridiculous; should have been 60 second nominations; in out, the end. If they had a clue, I think they packed it in that suitcase full of 50 pound notes they gave Conor.
This is how quickly they should have done these nom noms last night.
Julian even admitted he was shallow! I suspected he was, but didn't think he'd admit it. It's a shame, as I want to get under his skin more.
Prince is nominating Hev. Good. I don't blame him for nominating Julian. Harvey doesn't approve of rinsing men, but he doesn't mind assaulting and cheating on women; whatever floats your boat, I guess.
I think Julian is a cold fish. But he's funny. He reminds me of Brian Dowling in that way, that he's got good quips, but there's not much about him.
Does Harvey have fans? I don't think him swapping with Sitch would be a fair swap. MTV music awards convo: I'd hate a man saying he was going to buy me a dress. I'll buy my own fucking dress, thanks and not have to suck the dick of someone I don't like.
Ashley is so pointless. What a boring housemate. Even his nominations were boring.
So Cheryl, The Situation, Coleen, Julian and Prince Lorenzo are up. I'm glad a load of the oldies are up; makes a change from it being all the young pretty girls. I'm glad the vote is quite split, but I'm worried Prince Lorenzo is going to go before we even get to know him. Prince Lorenzo is an animal activist, too, so us Moz fans should give him a chance.
I think Julie's tactic is just to tell everyone what they want to hear. Which is fine, until people start swapping stories, as happened at the supermarket.
Prince Lorenzo the human calculator is doing the math. LOL to The Situation opening the oven and going 'what the fuck's going on in here' as the chicken is billowing out smoke. My boyfriend said Jasmine probably turned it up to high just as she left.
I REALLY want Coleen to go. I do think she's right about Julie, actually, but I just don't like her. It feels like she's got a vendetta against Julie.
Does Julian call Sitch 'The Occasional Table' to his face? 'Irksome' - lovely word. And calling Samantha Brick common, too. I don't think she so much writes for the Mail as wrote one troll-y article for the Mail.
Why is Julie blowing smoke up Sitch's arse? 'She's got this situation at home.' No, that's someone else she's got at home. She's falling in love with the MTV music awards, FFS, not The Situation. Yeah you're just so right for each other because she's a gold-digger, and he's got the gold. If he wants to be rinsed; then yeah, go for it. But let's not pretend this is Chantel and Preston falling for each other (which they actually did, albeit briefly). This isn't even Jay and Louise. It's not love; it's a goddamn arms race.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: We're gonna struggle cos you can't add up, honey

So tonight's midweek eviction. Do I want to watch a complete nutcase on TV? Of course I do. Do I think it's fair that she doesn't really know she's a nutcase and she's going to come out to a complete boo-cophany? Not really. I think she needs to be handled with care. She could even be a suicide risk; and it's not the first time the BB experience has driven someone to despair *insert 'me every night' joke here*.
I'm not voting tonight. I cannot vote to save Jasmine, entertaining as she is. I just can't have that blood on my hands.
Careful what you say to Samantha, Martin! He's right though, bands do split up about money a lot. Gold! Etc. We know about band members earning different sorts of amounts, don't we, Morrissey?
Is Julie giving Jasmine enough rope to hang herself? Jasmine: 'the only people who matter are the ones that matter.' How many of them are there?
I don't think Julie sees you as a threat, Coleen. I think she just finds you boring and nosy.

Jasmine is right, we have seen all there is to see of Rhian. 'I've got more trouble to cause.' Interesting tact! Rhian is pretty, but there's nothing to her.
My boyfriend reckons Jasmine's going to stay. NO CHANCE. He said is Rhian would have stood up to her, she would stay. Doesn't matter what Jasmine does, she cannot stay. You can't act like that and be saved.
I feel like we're missing half the story with Ashley and Rhian; but I also don't give a fuck about that storyline, so never mind.
Samantha: 'Rhian is experienced.' What does that mean exactly? Ashley has nothing to worry about watching it back. They've not shown him.
So lovely of Jasmine to dismiss other women as tits and arse. Nice to talk about other women like that.
Jasmine, don't take on Jodie Marsh! Now that's a battle I'd like to witness.
Danica IS a player; there's no doubt about it. If people thought Lauren was bad doing the splits in front of Adam, they must be agog at the sight of Prince Lorenzo licking glitter off her finger.
LOL to Jasmine's own mum calling her own daughter a piranha. Hilarious. Rhian's friend seems very eloquent... dur. Brian bounced off her quite well, though.
This home truth task is just mean; it's going to kick off. OMG Julian summed Coleen up as 'overweight'. OUCH, I like it when Julie calls people 'lady.'
Julian's career... 'mediocre... over.' LOL.
How come only these four are doing this task? This is making me tense! That's going to cause some ripples. I don't think Julie could give a fuck what people said about her.
I am overweight, but I wouldn't like being called it on TV. I'd rather be called a bitch, or a cow, or annoying, even though all four are true.
I'm still not sure about Julian. I want to get under the surface, but he won't let us.
Aw Cheryl hid her appearance from her boyfriend for four months. The internet is great for non conventional/ social awkward people hooking up, and I include myself in that. My boyfriend and I didn't know what each other looked like for about four months before we saw pics of each other. Luckily, we're both uber-babes.
Julian: 'Cheryl is long-winded.' I like it when him and Julie have a bitch, at least it's funny.
If you're watching on Channel 5+1 or on Demand GO FUCK YOURSELF, I'm sick of hearing about it.
So what's the point in the task if they've just replaced it with a trolley dash? All that effort was basically for nothing. Nothing can beat Jedward's trolley dash.
I reckon Lidl banned BB for life after Jedward's the trolley dash. Do you think Jasmine has ever been in Morrisons before? Get the meat, get the meat! Get a CD or something. Yorkshires! That wouldn't be top of my list. It would be quite hard to spend 700 quid in one trolley full in Morrisons. Unless they got a crate of champagne. Oh shit, they've got two trolleys. Oh, they passed.
Do you think the checkout girl was an actress or a real employee? She could be in CBB this time next year.
Oh, shut up, Coleen! She needs someone to torment like Michael Masden.
No one cares when you're down in the gutter, got no friends, got no butter. STFU, Julie, I'd like to have see you do better. I couldn't give a shit about having no teabags, but I wouldn't eat a dry crumpet either.
Twosome! You normally only hear that word on Cheaters.
Jasmine's out. SHOCKER. Lighting a fag in the BB house, sweet. REBEL. They'll get fined for that. Harvey: 'you can't smoke in here.' Jasmine: 'do you think I give a fuck right now?' Mario 'dipping his biscuit in this hot salty tea' wouldn't approve; health and safety, Jasmine. Jasmine is a health and safety risk all of her own.
Yeah, coming out smoking is the coolest thing since Benedict stealing the chair. Hardcore! Flick your fag into the crowd, we won't miss 'em.
'Mummy, I want to smoke so I can look like Jasmine!' Dem bones is hot. It's like a Nightmare Before Christmas.
Happy to be out the house, my arse.
What is the fucking story with her son? Apart from having her as a mum? 
Jasmine is coming across as disappointingly sane in her interview. She actually looked embarrassed when she saw herself telling Lorenzo to fuck off.
'You're making me uncomfortable.' 'I'm trying very hard to.' Just brilliant.
Jasmine: 'they're just skanky girls.' She looks so skanky it's unreal. It's all just so transparent and projection. I feel sorry for her, I really do.
Jasmine's got razors for cheekbones. And probably for fingernails, too. I still don't really know about Julie. I think she's hedging her bets.
Shame to see Jasmine go. Definitely the most interesting person in the house, the most honest, and the cruelest. I'll be interested to see the percentages. 
Ah fuck, I wasn't going to blog the live feed, but it's live noms! Gah. OK, I'll do it super quick.
Are all noms going to be live from now on then? I'm not sure I like that, I like some noms on the sly.
Is Julian putting the chicken on straight after the eviction? I think someone nominated Deana for that heinous crime.
I hope it's two nominations and not one, but the speed this live feed is going, it's highly doubtful.
Ah, they are doing nominations in private. What's Julian's prob with Sitch? 'He seems a bit dense and his body looks like a bag of spanners.' LOL.
'I've an awful feeling the Prince has got something contagious - dullness.' Mega. Superfunny noms. So 'the Occasional Table' is the official name for Sitch now? Even BB's given up. They should start flashing that up on the screen when he speaks.
Hurry up Julie, we aint got all night! They should be passing each other in that DR corridor like on BBUS.
Interesting Julie nominated the Prince, too. Collusion with Julian? He doesn't 'fit in' - is that a good enough reason? Sounds a bit 'princeist' to me. Her reasons for nominating him were crap. Just get it over with. Got it, get it, good. Now f-off. NEXT! How the fuck are we going to fit in all the nominations when Julie's been nominating one person for ten minutes? This is ridiculous. Are they going to force her to nominate someone else instead?
God, I'm getting really fucked off with this. This Big Brother woman needs shooting. It's LIVE TV. Get Brian Dowling in. I'll give you a clue for your next one, Julie, she's a loose woman. Chubby cheeks. Annoying. Next! Enough already.
Martin, please get on with it, FFS. I'm running out of patience. I'm glad Martin nominated Coleen. I'd like to see her go. Martin defending Samantha Brick! Julian's Daily Mail rant clearly hasn't reached his ears. Jesus, this Big Brother bitch is making him expand on his nominations, too. Are they scrapping BOTS? Always a silver lining, I suppose. What's Martin's beef with Rhian? She seems utterly inoffensive. She just thinks you're Reggie Kray, that's why. She's probably saw the Saskia incident, too. You got form, Kemp.
Heather's wardrobe needs a sort out. I suggest a burning. She's nomming 'the occasional table.' Boo. OMG WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? STFU. Sack this Big Brother, immediately. Evict her! Hev/ Cheryl's second nomination was Samantha. She's friends with Coleen isn't she, in the Harridan harem. There's no way we're going to get through all these nominations. It should have been two minute nominations, in and out. Jesus, whoever is in charge in this show is thick as fuckery. Is it that little toffee-nosed girl who does the tasks? Why is Cheryl getting bird tweets over her noms?
Why is there so much flim flam in between, people sitting around chatting and making food? Why can't they make this show fucking PROPERLY. I've been doing a podcast for a week and it's better run than this fucking bullshit.
 Hold up, Julian's chicken isn't cooked properly, so he's thrown it away? Just put it back in for a bit longer, FFS. They've just had a break: the next person is not even in the DR ready to nominate. I nominate Julian for cooking a chicken improperly. JESUS H CHRIST.
And then the show just ENDS. It just ENDS. And now I have to blog the start of BOTS to find out who's up, I'm being FORCED to watch BOTS when I want to do my podcast and scream instead. How am I going to fit all this nonsense into 30 minutes? I bet you I can do it better than CBB can fit a few nominations into an hour.
I bet Emma's sweating now because her show' is fucked and she can only work from an autocue.
Nina Miskov on the PANEL AGAIN. Where is Victor? I was listening to couch potatoes and Victor is banned from BOTS for 'legal reasons'; anyone know what went on? I don't really give a shit what he did, these panels are whack. Luke Marsden, OK. But 90% of the guests are just so boring. The BB radio shows Couch Potatoes and the Big Brother Gossip show are a zillion times more entertaining and honest than this whitewashed bullshit. It's actually sickening.
I don't even want to watch this BOTS, I want to do my podcast! And they're not even mentioning the shambolic nomination fuck up. Oh Jesus, the other person on the panel is that frog from Atomic Kitten.
Who cares about Jasmine right now, what THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WITH THE NOMINATIONS?
OMG. Are they seriously showing us the same nominations again? We've not got brain damage. Why do they treat us like this? Why do we allow it?! My boyfriend just said 'we could have watched The Lord of the Rings' in this amount of time. I don't know which I'd like least. Emma's come as a fruit salad.
Interesting that Coleen and Julie both nominated each other second. We're not that stupid.
I think this blog is going to end up longer than my dissertation, which was about Eastenders, incidentally. Yeah, Eastenders! And now I'm a magazine editor. Take that, system. *looks at pay-packet and cries*
My boyfriend is laughing because Emma said she was going to give it Jasmine and she's not giving her a thing. Can you give me the nomination results so I can fuck off and do my podcast? My spirit is broken. I want to watch Beavis and Butthead. I need some light relief.
Sorry I just zoned out for like 20 minutes and made a crisp sandwich. I have to give props to Nina M having buggered off and Jasmine going 'I didn't even know she was still alive.' Quality one liner. Her comment about violence was good, too. Ooh and the 'sucking titties' comment at the end, too. Jasmine says she lies sucking titties herself! And STILL we don't know who's up. What an absolute farce. 
So my 'co-host' and I are going to do a podcast now so check it out - it will either be the best or worst thing ever. We've had over 150 plays so far, it's pretty amazing, and we've got a BBUS podcast too, if you're watching that, which no one is, except my friend JOTV.
So if you have a mad urge to hear my voice, it should be up in the next hour:
Thanks a lot if you do have a listen. Perhaps wait until tomorrow, because this shit has gone on longer than Enter the Void. Preesh! 

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Album review: Bloc Party – Four

Remember when I used to write about things other than Big Brother? No? Well here’s one for you BB haters/ indie kids. I downloaded the new Bloc Party album last night and I have to say, expectations were not high. I thought Kele’s solo effort was quite poor (the single was OK – but that’s about it – and I like dance music). I do like Bloc Party’s dance stuff like Flux and The Prayer so I'm not anti-dance at all, I just thought it was quite a weak album and Kele looked a bit ashamed doing it. Or maybe that's just how I felt looking at some of his outfits.
The new album seems very varied, showcasing all their various sides (vocoders, xylophones, loud guitars, whispering) and a couple of tracks are so heavy they’re verging on metal, but I really liked those ones.
So there are a few little chatty bits/ outtakes inbetween; something Bright Eyes and Eminem are both quite fond of, and which are irritating from first listen, but anyway.
The album starts strongly with So He Begins to Lie. There’s quite a nice guitary bit (all technical terms here) at the end, which I think sets the tone quite nicely; a strong start that sets the tone for the album.
3x3 kind of reminds me of a Patrick Wolf song at the start with all the whispering. ‘No one loves you’ seems a bit harsh until he follows it with ‘as much as I.’ Is that grammatically correct? No matter. This is the first one that goes a bit ‘Muse’. He’s kind of yodelling a bit which is quite cool, and it gets quite thrashy. ‘No means no,’ he whispers, and then starts screeching ‘yes’ – it’s a bit sexy, really. I like him screaming! Have we heard him screaming before? Screaming is always good from any artist. This was the first song that made me sit up and think, ‘hmm, this is a bit of a different direction for them.’ And I liked it.
Octopus I’ve obviously already heard and I think it’s one of their kind of ‘cool’ hipster tracks that I’m not sure whether to like or not. Having said that, I love Mercury, and I think it’s in the same sort of vein. It reminds me a bit of One More Chance, but it’s not quite as catchy. More Muse guitars.
Real Talk is a bit Bloc Party by numbers again, and a bit of a comedown after the first three tracks sounding quite fresh and different from each other. At the end of Real Talk there’s some pointless muttering about Kele’s breasts, no idea what's going on there.
Kettling is another song with quite heavy guitars, and feels like a step forward, and except for The Darkness style guitar in the middle, I the general rocky feel of it is exciting, and suits the band well.
Day Four is Bloc Party as you know it, but is quite lovely, a This Modern Love sort of feeling they've recreated many times before, but that is always strangely comforting.
Coliseum is also a weird direction, it has kind of a cowboy/hoedown vibe to it at first and then it goes quite thrashy again. I’m not sure if I like it, but I appreciate the effort.
V.A.L.I.S mentions meth and science at the start so that makes you think of the obvious; Breaking Bad. ‘He is not the real me but I can hear him from the future’ is a cool lyric, too. I really like this one, it’s got a good pace to it.
It goes a bit flat after track 8. Team A is sort of Bloc Party by numbers again, a bit b-sidey and a little bit whiney towards the end (and not in a good way). The next track Truth is more like something off Intimacy, or Weekend..., it has echoes of Signs and I Still Remember and is quite poppy and light. The Healing is a bit dreary and dull. There’s a bit of vaguely interesting falsetto at the end but not enough to get me going.
We are Not Good People picks things back up again, with a bit of a punky feel, but isn’t as appealing as the two rockier tracks at the beginning, it’s a bit more dirgy.
I often find the ‘bonus track’ is the best song on the album – Your visits are getting shorter, for example probably got played in my car more often than any other track on Intimacy (although Ion Square is pretty good on that album, too). The bonus track we get here is called Mean and sounds like a typical Bloc Party song…I feel like I’ve heard it a zillion times before.
So does this album stand up to some of their best work: Two More Years, Blue Light, SRXT – well, not quite. But I do think it’s better than Intimacy, and better than A Weekend in the City, which had moments of lyrical embarrassment at times. They'll never be able to recreate the magic of their first album, but the first one of anything is always the best. I love Kele and the boys and it's good to see them back together, where they belong.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: How's the patient?

I'm enjoying CBB much more than I did BB and I never normally say that. 'Civillian' BB is what it's all about for me, but that was soured this year by poor casting (except the obvious, who were evicted early).
Who's was that cough?! Whoever it was; stop smoking now.
So this task means they just have to keep eating? That doesn't sound too horrendous.
Jasmine is doing her usual emotional-blackmail-i've-been-a-bitch-but-i-love-you crap.
What is with that pen? It looks like a dildo! They could write down nom stuff with that. Aw, Sitch doesn't know how to spell 'pounds'. It doesn't matter; he won't have any left when Danica's done with him.
Julian to Sitch: 'how's the patient?' about Jasmine. Jasmine is the only girl on the planet Sitch won't hook up with. Does she win an accolade for that? Oh Rhian, woman up. Stick up for yourself.
Jasmine blaming the Big Brother house on her mood swings. What does she normally blame it on? Class A's?
Julie has got some tales. I like her attitude, she's just very down to earth.
Humilitard! They nicked this shit from BBUSA. In BBUSA last week Frank had to wear a 'spiritard'. I have no idea what that is, but it was a rather unflattering shade of lilac.
Looks like Harvey's feeling a bit lycra-mose. Tut-tut-tut (at my own joke)! Do you know where Harvey's from? Battersea, apparently. They have a good car boot sale there.
She's all class, isn't she, Hev, talking about last resort things she'd wipe her arse on. Who in Martin Kemp's house is using Tena lady? Oh, my boyfriend said he meant a ten pound note. You can't do that to the Queen. What would Sara say? Who could afford to? My boyfriend and I lost a ten pound note behind the back of our fireplace about 6 months ago, and have tried to retrieve it with a coat hanger, a hoover, a poker. We can't afford to wipe our arse on that shit. It haunts us!
Julie's right, Coleen did relish sticking a pie in her face. They've got Jasmine on the 2p machine, or as Ben Shephard calls it, 'The Tipping Point.'
Why DOES Coleen hate Julie so much? That will be her downfall as Julie is coming over well. Maybe Julie is fake, or maybe she's just older and wants an easy life, but either way, she's coming across alright.
Julian: 'I think he's more of an 'occasional table' than a Situation.' JC is upset he's not a 'bruv', lol.
That swan Julie and Julian are riding looks like the ones they used to have at Alton Towers. Ha, they're seething with jealousy at Sitch's megabucks in the bank.
Trashing a hotel room is probably the best task to do EVER.That's proper soap meets rock and roll. 
Good on Alesha Dixon for telling Harvey to sling his hook and take his shit and go. Classy girl. You're right; you did lie to God. What he did was horrid. Cheating in marriage is gross. No, cheating in any relationship is gross, but what's the point in getting married and doing it? So Jasmine says as long as you've not got babies it's OK to cheat? This bitch is WARPED.
I'm not saying I've never cheated: I have. But I wouldn't again. And I won't lie to God about that shit. And not just because he doesn't exist.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Booze gun

I think The Situation should be renamed 'The Deadwood'. He's dull as fuck so far.
Jasmine doesn't have friends, she has hostages. Even a conversation starting with a compliment ends in a row.
I don't remember Ashley saying he fancied Rhian. Is he cuddling a teddy in the DR chair? Is he 12? He thinks she does like him but she's worried about how she'll come across as a person. No, she just doesn't fancy you, because you look 12. Anyone who has to say 'I'm a nice guy' is always a bad 'un.
Why is Julie up Jasmine's arse so much? Absolutely adorable?!  I've seen more adorable rottweilers who've just chewed a baby to death. Now, IS Julie playing a game? How could anyone like Jasmine? She's made out of 50% spite and 50% malice.
I hate silky bedsheets too. I bought some once in a fit of Stringfellow-pique and I ended up sliding out of bed and knocking my drink over. Never again.
Jasmine, don't tell a journalist you're gagged. Who's gagged her: Simon Cowell or Crazy Town dude?
Jasmine doesn't need to say 'are we having a positive or negative day' like Bea. It's 100% negative all the way.
Danica just said rinse *Beavis and Butthead laugh*.
That Situation task is hard! I couldn't even remember the list of things. He's doing really well - I'll take back the deadwood comment for now, but he did have to be forced into action. Is Sitch giving Martin some Lynx? I like the way Sitch mixes with the old folk, he doesn't seem to just hang round the young ladies.
Eh heh, where can I get me a booze gun! They're all drinking in the day so no wonder Jasmine's gonna kick off. She's a viper when she's sober.
Rhian looks hot in that bikini in the DR chair. Ashley strikes me as a little fuckwad.
Fucking hell, man, has Harvey only just realised Martin was in Eastenders. Does he not remember Matthew Rose going down for Saskia's murder? The car crash? Where was he? Oh, probably out doing an assault.
Julian, you shouldn't have to explain your own jokes. Julian explaining 'The Situation' name story was funny. Not sure I want to stay at the White Swallow. This smut talk does get old after a while.
I can't work out who's thicker; Harvey or Ashley.
Why doesn't Samantha defend Rhian if she's 'older' and can handle it? I'd fucking say something to that Skeletor-cunt-rag-of-doom.
People are speaking to Jasmine in a way she wouldn't normally accept! You're a fucking bitch, no one has said nearly enough to you. You're patronising, hypocritical and cruel. I think she might be the most deranged Big Brother contestant of all time, and that's saying something. I'm not sure she's mentally fit to be in there.
That Ashley guy is such a knob, he's like a mini Kirk Norcross. Someone doesn't fancy him so he's being a little prick. Harvey dealt with that situation well. 'Piss off.' Uh oh, Rhian told Jasmine the truth and she doesn't like it so she immediately walks off.
Jasmine is just the school bully. She was the school bully on Make me a Supermodel and she's still the school bully because she's got insecurity running through her veins, and a black stone where her heart should be.
Why is Jasmine getting involved in Rhian and Ashley's 'situation'? Led him on?! What the FUCK has it got to do with her. Jasmine is more EVIL that Bea. She's definitely the biggest Big Brother bitch of all time. Hats off to her; people that psycho should be in some sort of institute.
Jasmine is now trying to intimidate someone. Brick: speak up! Speak the fuck up, you fucking fencesitter, you're worse than H from Steps and Jermaine combined.
How can Julie bother sympathising with that troll? She should be shunned. She started on Danica, now she's started on Rhian. What's the common denominator? Oh, they're both prettier and younger than her.
Can you imagine being inside Jasmine's head? She came to hang out with 'real celebrities' like Julie and Cheryl? Except they're (past-it) actresses. You're just a fucking professional reality tv superbitch.
There's more chance of the Queen whipping off her mask and revealing her lizard genes than Jasmine winning this show. Her odds must be 1000/1.
Prince Lorenzo's face when she forced him to give her a hug pretty much summed things up. Er... keep Jasmine in! 

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: You are fucking indestructable

Why are Prince Lorenzo and Martin doubting nominating Jasminge. The fact Jasmine had to 'try to be nice to people' says it all. It's an effort for her to be polite because her natural status is full-on Beelzebub mode.
Jasmine 'god help the people who voted for me' whilst Damica is in the room. That's a threat, right?
Jasmine has poison running through her veins, not blood. 'You parents must be so proud of you' - I read on Digital Spy today that Damica's mum is dead. I wish someone would stand up to her. Will SOMEONE not stand up to the girl? She's being a bully! Fuck me, man, I wish I was in that house, I'd fucking tell that little starfucker what's what. Jasmine's parents must be SO PROUD OF HER fucking Simon Cowell, some cunt from Crazy Town, and then a big old meth addiction. They must be SO SO PROUD. Daughter of the year, or what? If only we could all be more like Jasmine, I think the world would be a veritable utopia.
They should take Jasmine into the DR and give her a warning. Danica could win this show off the back of this. It's definitely helping her popularity, as she's acting in a very classy way in the face of an utter scumbag.
If I had to vote two people out at the mo, it would be Heather for being a dull embarrassment, and Judo boy for not saying one word. Completely pointless so far.
So this is another task where they make fun of their 'careers' right? I liked Danica just taking her clothes off; proves she's not been cowed by Jasmine just yet. Harvey's rap was hilarious. 'Tut, tut, tut!' Martin Kemp's was like a piece of performing art.
The Situation's nickname explained at last. Wasn't really worth the wait.
It's interesting that Coleen said about Julie what I thought initially. But I don't believe she's fake: I like her. Coleen is just dull, she's just like someone's annoying mum.
Sea-gulliable! You can't pick and choose what animal you come back as after you die. NB: You just rot.
I'm glad Jasmine overheard Danica saying her mum was dead and I think it's no coincidence Danica said it within her earshot, though. I'm surprised Jasmine didn't laugh and go 'no wonder you're a fucking slag then.' I wouldn't put it past her.
Jasmine's apology had a bit of a double-edge to it. 'If you had a mum, you would have been stopped.' Even her apology was all about her. It's also like 'I've made these mistakes so you don't have to.' Patronising troll. She's worse than Louise Mensch.
How the fuck did Ashley win that task!? He's got no 'tut tut tut'! Boo.
All Rhian has to do is keep her mouth shut and it's a done deal this week.
The Situation is such a smoothie. I don't think Danica is a lost cause yet, he could bring her round, just give her his gold card and she'll give him a wave on Skype.
Jasmine's got no friends? How could that be? *snigger* Jasmine is shit-stirring Danica again; just a bit more slyly. I want to see someone take her on before her arse goes out that door. Then I never want to see her again.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Fuck off, you prick

Janine's master plan fell apart quite spectacularly last night; leaving Danica nicely off the hook. She thought she had all her ducks in a row and she didn't. Now she's going to star in her own morality popularity contest: and lose to Vermin's cyber dolly. Can't wait! At least Danica is honest about her business. How much do you think Jasmine got for a walk-on role as Simon Cowell's beard? You admitted your gagged from talking about it, so you don't get gagged for nothing. Fucking dickwad.
Heather stop buttkissing Julie Goodyear. Julie is a genuinely funny woman; I hope she stays for the long haul.
Jasmine is basically bullying Damica. So she'd do topless modelling? Jasmine is the biggest fucking hypocrite in that house. 'She's selling the idea of it...' Selling the idea of it is BETTER THAN GETTING YOUR BOOBS OUT. Either way it's all part of the same fucking THING. The men are happily paying; if they're stupid enough to pay, let the motherfuckers pay. Jasmine's idea of 'morality' is whatever she doesn't do. You're a former crackhead, celebrity fucker and I hope Damica finds her balls and gives it back to that cunt. She's got enough ammo.
Jasmine is just a woman who hates other women, simple as that. I did have a giggle when John Mcruick said she looked about 85.
Samantha Brick: princess for the day. I hope her husband doesn't find out, he'll be busting that door down with a shotgun in about 15 seconds flat.
Jasmine is psychic: she can feel it kicking off. Cos she started it.
I like seeing The Situation vulnerable! He's smitten. Who knows how she feels? But there could be more shoes on the way, and that's the main thing.
Harvey's nomination for Damica was particularly despicable. What is a 'real celebrity' these days? You're no better than an internet troll. Another morality lesson from a one-hit wonder, two-dime fucking criminal. Damica should bite back at him too and not go 'it's Ok.' It's not OK to be spoken to like that.
What is the deal with Jasmine and her boring son? Anyone would think she's the first person to have ever pushed a baby out of her fanny. It was your choice to have that baby; it's not my problem, meth face.
Jasmine is ready to BLOW. I don't really see why Rhian is on the block, she's seems utterly inoffensive.
Don't you get it that the missing your family thing is just a cop out vote! They're trying to be kind to you.
Jasmine is getting exactly what she deserves. I had her card marked from day one. BOO WOO. She needs to go get some intensive therapy; she's completely nuts. She's just damaged goods.
Prince Lorenzo shouldn't feel embarrassed - nominating is the name of the fucking game! Never seen BB before?
Jasmine: 'I've tried so hard to work on my character defaults.' Must try harder. I want Julie to give me a motherly hug. She's got a really nice, warm way with people.
WHY is Rhian up? She just seems like a normal, nice girl. It is just a 'slut-shaming' vote, IMO.
Have you noticed that it's only skinny people who drink full fat coke, and fat people drink diet coke?
Jasime is such a manipulative cunt. You can't win with that bitch. Damica was being totally cool with her and trying to make amends. Jasmine has got persecution syndrome. She's completely unhinged.
Jasmine: 'I'm stunned that prostitute lasted longer than me.' SHE'S NOT A FUCKING PROSTITUTE. Even Samantha Brick looked uncomfortable about that. Put a wish list up, I bet not one person would buy you a fucking sausage, you evil cow. Here's what I wish for you; GET OFF MY SCREEN. And leave the country. But I do hope she survives the noms. ;0
BTW Exitainment now has it's own spin off radio show with a co-host that's 25% funnier than me, so have a listen if you want. You can hear the Northampton accent I'm trying to shake off, plus my Lauren-style annoying laugh. I'd listening to the launch show ep, as we were a bit drunk the second time.

Friday, 17 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Live nominations

So I watched about 20 minutes of Jersey Shore earlier for 'research purposes'. It's all shot through a weird lens and the men are all neon brown and bouffanted. Someone punched The Situation in the face. Hopefully we can recreate that moment tonight. Someone else said 'the girls can't be bringing men back to the house. They're girls.' I don't think I'll be watching any more of that.
Gliss shampoo? You get that in the pound shop and it's not even much cop, it's not even as good as Timotei. I don't think Julie is so much brave as broke.
Prince Lorenzo's pet food shop. Do the Italians have a Royal family? Coleen on Harvey: 'he knows everything.' Er...
Danica's got a nice personality when you've got 5 million dollars in the bank. If you're a pauper, she'll spit on you. Shoes or no shoes? That's what it all amounts to with her.
LOL to Julie's family taking a ten quid trip to Australia and never being seen again. Mind you, ten quid, that's a good offer. I'd be tempted to go cuddle a koala for that money. I can't believe I actually like Julie Goodyear. I always thought she was a real diva, but she's actually quite motherly and gives good advice.
Jasmine is keeping it cute and keeping it mute on the Simon Cowell situation. He's obviously paid her off. Is that a ring she's wearing? *insert Julian Clary joke here'. Jasmine: 'the truth will come out out in the end.' Yes, out of the closet.
Danica's got The Situation under the thumb already. 
Julie on Russell Brand: 'I think he needs a bath.' She's got more one liners than Julian. This Russell Brand story is AMAZING. White soiled boxers. Dirty peacock! I bet you a million quid Jasmine fucked him. Rhian's been with him, too. LOL. I guess those old Big Mouth ties are well and truly cut. Poor old Russ. Quite funny, though.
Why does Heather/Cheryl have her hair like that?! She's a fashion apocalypse. Julie needs to sort her out.
Julian: 'I'm sure Big Brother will provide lubricant.' They will, but it will be Morrisons value lubricant.
This task should set the cat amongst the (dirty) pigeons. The housemate's secrets.
Is Harvey's: 'I held a knife to my girlfriend's throat.'?
I don't think Jasmine is quite pulling off those sunglasses.
'Out of context' is the strap line for this year's Big Brother's. LOL to The Situation saying 'I have made a sex tape but I don't remember telling anybody.'
Cheryl is getting well pissed off being passed from 'using her body to make money' to 'making a sex tape.' Now we're imagining Coleen making a sex tape with Shane Ritchie. Eww.
Out of context; I think Samantha Brick is too ugly for TV. Out of context! Can I just say anything and say 'out of context' afterwards? You're all cunts! Out of context!
Martin and Julie are both funny. Lots of laughs in the house at the moment.
The Situation has got some SERIOUS double standards going on. He makes money from sex and his body, too! He just makes a lot more than her. But he's ugly. So he's lucky.
I have an Amazon wish list of things I want online. But I just buy myself things off it when I eventually scrape the money together. I don't even like wedding lists. You shouldn't ask anyone for gifts, ever.
Look at them all turning on Danica! Rhian is a topless model who 'sexted' Vernon, what's the difference? Those men know what they're buying.
Let's get Danica's list up and buy her the cheapest thing off it like when you go to a wedding. One spoon for you. Oh no, give it to Jasmine for her massive shitstir.
Danica has NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG! Fucking hell man, talk about stab a girl in the back. If men are stupid enough to buy her things, let them fucking buy the stupid shoes. Julian: the voice of reason, 'he's hardly the Virgin Mary himself.'
Coleen's sitting in the judgement - sorry, smoking - corner. They should put Amanda Platell or Jan Moir in that house, that would be amazing.
Jasmine: 'so there was rinsing guys.' LOL. Rinsing IS a word, what about rinsing your hair out, dumbass?
The Situation seems like a pussycat. He's still got a hard of for Danica. STOP STIRRING, Jasmine. I know exactly what that girl is made off. 9 carat gold evil. What's it got to do with you, keep your plastic snout out. She's like the Lydia of the house, but a lot less likeable.
Julie and Julian, the great dames in the boudoir. 'Fifty quid an episode, it was like we'd won the fucking lottery.' Wicked.
Jasmine, that tension between you and Danica has been up. 'Her shit aint gonna wash with you'? What has anything to do with her life got to do with you? Piss off. Everyone's gotta earn a few quid haven't they? Don't tell me you slept with Simon Cowell because you particularly like grey jumpers, you fucking hypocrite. He obvious paid you off, so STFU.
Ooh, live nominations! Well it's obvious they're all going to go after Danica. It's all going to be 'I can't do it, I can't do it.' Is it face to face, or just live from the DR?
Oh at least someone's sorted Cheryl's hair out. Rhian looks like a rouged duck.
Martin Kemp is so smoooooooooooooooooth. My boyfriend thinks he's a master game player. I'm not so sure. I think he's just a dude.
Samantha Brick would be an easy nomination, I think. You can blame it on external factors.
Did they just say they have one nomination? Just nominate the person to the left of you. Are you idiots? Work it out! They've done it in series gone by (remember when Aaron threw it, LOL).
Why is it only one nomination? I've never seen one nomination before.
Those envelopes look a bit cheap and nasty. Did they go to those cheap five star stationers you always have at work?
Ooh I wonder who Jasmine has nominated? Surprise surprise! Moral values! What a cow. How dare you push your 'morals' on someone else. You have no fucking morals! I remember you on that show. You were cruel. Proper, proper cruel.
Interesting that Julie nominated Coleen. Screwface. Harvey's nominating Danica. Jasmine's obviously been in his ear.
Julian is nominating The Situation for disrespecting women. 'So there we have it.'
Coleen nominated Rhian: perhaps she's a fan of Family Fortunes.
YES! Prince Lorenzo nominated Jasmine. That son thing was total BS. He's seen through her shit.
WTF Rhian is nominating Martin! Talk about a throwaway vote. He's giving her the steely blue eyes. Hide the ashtrays!
Ashley is nominating Lorenzo. Ashley is either very dull or he's getting a bad edit. The vote has been very split so far.
Cheryl is nominating Rhian. Family Fortunes again, presumably.
Martin nommed Jasmie because she needs to go see her boy. They shouldn't be allowed to nominate for that reason.
Samantha, didn't you judge Rhian beforehand by writing about her in an article, hamster face?
Pow, Damica hit back at Jasmine. Is it them two up?
The Situation nommed Coleen. LOL to Coleen going 'I don't miss my family.' The kid vote is a cop out.
Jasmine looks really pissed off. Well if you go in there and act like Lady Muck moralising and putting other women down, that's what you get. I know I slag people off in my blog, but I hold zero moral high ground. We're all just idiots on a planet.
So up for nomination is Rhian and Jasmine. Jasmine will go! Ha ha. Damica must be laughing her head off. Why you got your shades on, dickhead? Sun aint out, is it? Enjoying yourself on your moral high ground are you? It can be quite a lonely place; just ask Samantha Brick.
Jasmine didn't expect it. Course you didn't because you thought you were pulling the strings, didn't you? 'I put so much time and effort in...' What? Being nice to someone?
Jasmine, don't cry and smoke at the same time, you'll put your fag out.
Coleen: 'don't nominate me for an easy reason.' So you'd prefer it if someone said you were an indomitable old bat? As if.
That was quite entertaining but when's the eviction? Bring it!

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: I'm going to knock love into you

I just watched the live feed from last night; I enjoyed Julian and Lorenzo's chat. So Lorenzo isn't REALLY a prince. I liked the convo about civil partnerships. That's the sort of Big Brother I want, not all this BS about tasks.
OK so Harvey held a knife to his girlfriend's throat. Do they just let ANYONE in that house these days? They'll probably give him a knighthood.
So is there an eviction tomorrow? That's what I wanna know.
My boyfriend just said 'what is The Situation? Is there a specific situation he was involved in to get than name?' Anyone know?
Just noticed Bet Lynch's leggings from yesterday. I'd wear them. I don't mind her hair either. She's like Courtney Love's mum.
Oh God, I can't sit through this ear piece tyranny again. We're having to sit through loads of this crap again. It's always the way. Why pander to the people who didn't watch yesterday? Fuck 'em.
'I didn't recognise you without your balaclava on.' to Heather. Nice one.
'What's your function? I'll try and use short words.' Rude! Don't treat The Situation like that. He's The Situation. I want to be called 'The' something.
Did you see Sit's face when Rhian walked down the stairs? His eyes were out on stalks like . She seems quite lovely. I hate Tess Daly and Vernon Kay anyway. The way he goes on, he sounds like a pathetic teenager bragging about sex to his gormless mates.
The Situation has action man eyes, sliding from side to side. Sit put his hood up when Harvey walked in. Territorial pissings. He's not interested in anyone who's not DTF. Samantha Brick has a face like a weasel. I'll give her a chance, though. Hev's eviction song: Lonely Goatherd.
Sit's eyes are working overtime; I've not seen such eyeball rotation since John James/ Britney off BB USA.
My boyfriend just called this respected Olympian 'who-do'. Does that joke work written down? Er... no.
I can't quite quite get over how much Jasmine Leonard's face has changed since Make Me a Supermodel. My boyfriend thinks she's 40 years old. She's 5 years younger than me.
That faux row was so silly. 'Don't talk shite!' was quite convincing, though. It was quite good that Hev can make herself cry on cue.
I wish Jasmine would take that gold jacket off. She looks like a gameshow host. Did she just say to Hev 'don't cry, you look beautiful'? You'd swap, then, would you? 'I got your back.' Sweet, US speak! Coleen is also in the gold jacket alliance. The flammable fabrics alliance.
Bet would have been called to the DR for violence for chucking a drink over someone, dur. Does Sit know what hotpot is?
Jasmine: 'don't trust those two bitches.' They were on a task!
Why does Jasmine keep telling everyone she's known for her bad behaviour?! That's not a way to get people on side. Hold on, I'm a Gemini, what are you fucking saying?! Fuck off talking about starsigns. If anyone started talking about starsigns to me I'd punch them in the face. Grow up. They'll be talking about fucking crystals next.
Steve Owen to Sit: 'I would' about the laydeez.
Bet using a cigarette holder: cool. I thought that was just her character's affectation. Almost worth the lung cancer just to look that badass.
Jasmine's gnashers are enormous. Sit is trying to find out who's got boyfriends. I like Lorenzo. I like quite a lot of them, actually.
Ashley speaks like a simpleton. Eh heh, check out Julian's pyjamas. They remind me of Michael Madsen's last year.
WTF is a 'screen munch'? Does she mean a 'screen dump'?  I like Jasmine stirring Rhian up to kick off.
I really like Danica's accent. The Situation: 'I love people who are genuine.' Is that his best pick up line?
Everyone I've spoken to today seems shocked Martin Kemp is in the house, and wondering if he's down on his luck. He obvs needs some more Gold. My boyfriend just said of Martin Kemp/ Steve Owen: 'Remember when he got off with his mum?'
I like the new cushions in the smoking area. Jasmine is doing therapy speak! All addicts together. Are they going to start going on about God? Heaven help us. Harvey needs a woman to sort him out! Oh dear. Sort yourself out, kiddo.
Jasmine does accept men's indiscretions! WTF. Why is she saying that on the first day? Uh oh, Harvey's after the bad girl.
I actually don't mind Bet Lynch so far, weirdly. Wish we could have seen more of the show tonight. Too much of last night rehashed. I think this is going to be a good series.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Launch show

I have been blogging Celebrity Big Brother since 2007! Hardcore. That was the Jade vs Shilpa year, fact fans. I think it's safe to say Shilpa won that one, in more ways than one (RIP).
And here I am again. And here are some people dancing who aren't going into the house. I normally prefer the civilian version, but the last series (ie. two days ago) was so vile, I'm looking forward to some light relief.
First in is Bet Lynch. Argh. She's so annoying. She put me off leopard print for years. Well, her and Kat Slater. I've heard she's a right cow in real life. Ooh, she's a smoker. A new outsider is born.
Fuck me, check out that coat. Technicolour dream vom. I think she's going to be a cross between Denise Welch, Tina Malone and Natalie Cassidy. Not a good thing.
Hold on, why did Bet go through that door? Can't she do stairs? They've still got Benedict's chair in there, I see. I've gone from hating that coat to wanting it in about five seconds.
Second up is HEV. How can you kill someone with a picture frame? Especially Hev, it'd have to be a Van Gogh. I stopped watching Eastenders just before than happened. I don't like Hev. Hev's going to miss her goat herder husband going in the house. I think I'd rather he was going in. She's wearing a bejewelled tent.
They know each other! I hate that. Soap love, or smock wars, as my boyfriend said next. Who's going to be next, some cunt off Hollyoaks?
Oh so there's going to be some twist already - zzz. Clearly they haven't just watched the last season of Big Brother. I liked it when Bet said 'It's not a bum competition'. I don't think it's a 'bigger chair' issue, Hev. It's your arse that's too big.
This earpiece thing is good TV! Oh Christ. This is embarrassing. These two are thick as shit. They're also utterly unlikeable. Even Natalie Cassidy could follow basic instructions.
'You definitely probably know who I am' sats third housemate, The Situation. I only know about Jersey Shore from Beavis and Butthead. 'Is that Snooki? U-huh-huh-huh.' I can't watch that sort of TV, it's too lowbrow even for me. My best friend fancies The Situation, I have it on tape. What do people call him for short? Sit? What is the 'smush' room?
'I'm going to wing/ win it.' This has been unintentionally hilarious so far. Do you think he's going to know who Bet and Hev are? Bet and Hev are confused by 'The Situation's name.
'She's a bit weird that one.' 'Which one?' There's only one person there, FFS!
The Situation: 'what do you want me to do about it?' Is he going to knock her out?
This task is so laboured, it's making me cringe. Make it stop. I just want them to naturally get to know each other.
I always wondered what happened to Julian Clary. Now I know. My boyfriend is cackling at the 'fisting Norman Lamont.' and going 'has he still got Fanny the Wonderdog?' Showing his age there, I have no idea what he's talking about. I reckon Julian Clary could win it.
Brian Dowling does NOT know how to deal with this! 'Well, Davina...' Brilliant. He'll see through that task in an instant. Is he going to try and fuck The Situation?
Julian: 'This is a mystery... what's your function?' I've laughed more in two seconds than the whole previous series. I think The Situation might be wondering what sort of Situation he's got himself into: a very camp one. Ah, he'll be pleased to see some thick blonde arrive.
Very pretty: but will she be interesting? She looks good in that dress. Already slagging off women; great job. I didn't even know about your sex texting until you mentioned it. Who did she sex text? I'm going to have to google it. LOL it's Vernon Kay! Ergh, ergh! I bet he just switched off the TV. Or his melty-faced wife did. She seems alright. I liked Natasha Giggs last year anyway. The upside of sexting Vernon Kay? At least it wasn't Jason Manford.
I don't like the way they're refusing to call him 'The Situation'. Address him properly!
Hev is denying she is Hev. You are Hev, dead or otherwise. End of.
The Situation: 'I don't do full on sex scenes' followed by proper crab eyes.
I don't mind the housemates so far except for the first two, and at least they're both quite famous.
Harvey. Cute but a knob. I used to fancy him but he seems a but too cocky. He's obviously going to team up with The Situation. My boyfriend just said, 'At least with So Solid Crew they've still got about another 50 members to get through, so CBB's future is confirmed indefinitely.'
At last, someone knows who The Situation is! Harvey's dressed like Chris Eubank, sans monacle.
Julian Clary is going to win this motherfucker by a mile. A MILE.
Samantha Brick, FFS, this is a barrel scrape. If she's a celebrity, so am I, basically! Let's see if she really is like she wrote in that article, or if the Daily Mail stitched her up.
I just went 'the tweenies aren't going to know who she is' and my boyfriend went 'do you mean the twinks?' I'm not convinced either of us have quite got this right. She's like the Sally Bercow of this year. But who will be her Paddy?
'Bit booey, was it?' Booey isn't a word. Boo woo, however, is now in the dictionary. She only wrote a silly article, she's not a child molester.
Julian correcting people's pronunciation; win.
Prince Lorenzo, an Italian price! Speaks for the voiceless animals of the United States. Cool. Not famous, but he seems like he'll be a good character, better than say, Bobby Sable.
He's fitter than our princes. His mum is Princess Amanda? That's not a very posh name. He's got lovely manners.
I reckon Harvey is onto Hev's fob story. Zzzzzz.
I watched that Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys show. She was quite odious. I like her accent, though. If appearing in one 'documentary' makes you a celebrity, why not send in the woman who got her face ripped off by a chimp, or someone with progeria?
Three of these women are notorious, not celebrities. That's sexist.
Ashley the Olympian. Praised by God. Zzzzzz. Can't we forget about that smorgasbord of shite now, and concentrate on this one? Let's not muddle the two. The only Olympian I like is that Gene song.
Coleen Nolan: fucking hell. If we do have to have a Loose Woman, can't we have Carol McGiffin instead? Is this boring old bag going to win it, too? Where's a Hollywood movie star for her to terrorise? Someone's going to tell The Situation she's the UK equivalent of Sharon Osborne, no doubt.
Jasmine Leonard looks anorexic. Nice 'all that jazz' tattoo. That should be on 'ugliest tattoos' on I can haz cheeseburger. Another notorious one; I remember watching a show with her in and she was an absolute bitch; she's ugly through and through. Well done, you fucked Simon Cowell, join the queue. Did you get a mansion out of it? She looks really different to how she looks in the show I saw her in, her face is totally different. Horrid person.
No wonder women are encouraged to hate other women with this tawdry bunch in there; where's the female brainboxes, rather than just ones involved in 'scandal'?
Whoop: Steve Owen! He was so baddass in Eastenders. Martin Kemp is too good for this. Ashtray times! He's my new winner. I think he's going to win over Julian Clary.
Not a bad cast: a random cast, but not a bad cast. I think it's going to be interesting.
Hev and Bet have killed this task stone dead. I've never seen two people dance around a task so much. When they actually got into it, the acting was actually quite good. Violence! Chuck Bet out! LOL. Julian Clary grinning was ace. He knows! OK, I'm up for this series. I think Martin Kemp and Julian Clary will make it worth watching alone. Let's do this.

Monday, 13 August 2012

Big Brother 13: The Final ('I love you, man...' 'I love you, too')

Here's a crash course in how to alienate your audience. Cast a house full of people with IQs less than 50, but with the personalities that are the sensory equivalent of chomping on brillo pads. Evict the 25% of the housemates who did have a brain/ or were at least entertaining in the first four weeks. Let a man who has not said one intelligible word for four weeks suddenly speak out from under his toupee to make threats of sexual violence against an inoffensive but quite dull housemate. Don't throw him out. Give him £50K, upsetting 75% of your audience, and ruining 50% of the suspense of the final. Make the inoffensive and dull housemate a potential winner, because of this injustice, then give her a bad edit until she mentions 'servants' - just to remind us she doesn't deserve the £50K, although the man who threatened to rape her and punch her on her arse did. You still watching? Me too, unbelievably. I think Big Brother itself has become like an abusive boyfriend. And David Cameron has shut Refuge.
The fact that the crowd is going 'whoop whoop' like a mentally deficient CD-UK audience says it all, really. Aw, I'm glad Benedict turned up. Conor comes out chewing gum - gross. He's got all the manners and decorum of an angry tramp.
Luke S out first, please! PRAWN. To Madonna's or Sugababes 'push the button.', please. They don't seem to tailor the songs to the evicted housemates anymore, or I can't tell if they do. Everything just sounds like it's got the washing machine on it.
I really hope the soldiers are the last three standing. It will be an important moral victory.
You can see it's stinging Luke S to be stuck in there with those four, especially as he didn't even get the votes for it. He could be lying on a bed of £50 notes with Ashleigh right now (ugh).
'Get Deana out!' go the 'whoop whoop' crowd. Is it Conor's family? Can chimps form sentences.
I vote to evict the red cloud in the split screen. BOO YA. Luke A's out. Shoulda pushed that button. LOL at Conor waving to him, I bet that's just what he wanted to see the second he was evicted to the boo chorus. LOL they are playing 'Push the Button'! Nice one. Although I'll still never quite understand why they've been so keen to make a fool out of Luke S all series, whilst they've let Conor get away with murder.
Conor and Ashleigh both chewing gum like thick cows munching on grass. Luke S should team up with Benedict and sack those MOFOs off. LOL to the person shouting 'greedy'. Luke A got interviewed for about three seconds. What a shame. We'll always remember you for coming fifth. And being a douche. Goodbye.
YES. Sara's out next. They did it. They did it! I actually feel quite emotional. Was cute seeing them all smiling, wish I could hear what they were saying. That was the right result. Sara deserves nothing!
Whatever you think to the 'soldiers', they DID battle for that win. They battled hard. So they do deserve it.
I like Sara's high heels. Er... that's about it. 'Underneath it all, Caroline's got a good heart.' No.
Sara was not a floater, Brian, she was well and truly an insider. Hopefully she'll watch that Queen madness and quit drinking.
Shit, Deana is third. Wasn't expecting that. Mind you, I didn't vote for her cos I want Adam to win, so I'm partly responsible. I'm gonna throw Adam another vote. I think Luke A and Adam will both chuck each other a few quid. It's good seeing their reactions. Adam, you could have dressed up, FFS. Incidentally, I think Brian looks the best he's done all season.
Deana looks beautiful. Classy and cool in glitter and pink. Do you think they're going to show Conor's hate rant? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. As if.
Those prayers paid off, didn't they! How is 'soldiers' a gameplan? It's just a name for a team/ alliance.
At least Conor wasn't smiling when they mentioned 'the nasty things he said'. That's the first time I've seen him without a grin on his face. Nasty things - FFS. There's an understatement.
I liked it when Deana went on the rampage. 'Answering back' - heaven forbid, know your place, Deana. 'Evil eyes' - forgot about that, lol.
Good did overcome evil. But it is a shame she came third; I'd hate to see Luke A win it now, nice as he is. Bar the BMI comment, he's just not done enough.
Luke A and Adam are too cute. Can't Luke drop the 'A' now?
SHIT. Luke A won. I'm shocked. I'm really shocked. I really wanted it to be Adam. It was lovely and emotional, though. 'I love you man...' I love you too.' Nicest top two friendship ever.
Adam: 'I've been broke before, it don't matter.' Bless him. I'd love to have seen him take it. 'Indecent human beings': correct.
Adam: 'give the second runner up a chance!' to Lauren. Cute. Super cool.
I will give Luke A this much: when Becky confronted him and expected him to back down, and he called her out and relished reeling out a list of reasons why she was an idiot. I will give him that. But one night of common sense in two months does not a worthy winner make. Still. It could have been a lot worse, I suppose. And at least he can get his Reebok penis now (his words, not mine!) I've seen those pump up penises, they're quite good (not in person, I might add!) Also, it felt like he needed that validation a lot more than Deana and Adam did. So let's take those factors into account alongside the fact he's a bit of a dullard.
Seeing fireworks just reminds me of Beavis and Butthead watching the Katy Perry Firework video and Butthead going 'you're not a firework.' and Beavis going, 'I am! I am firework.' Butthead: 'No, you're more like the plastic bag in the first part of the song. Uh-huh-huh-huh.'
Luke A is happy that Conor took half the cash? You sure about that? I hope Luke chucks Adam a few quid, I really do. So Luke S was right: 'boys DO want to be him!'
Luke A was competitive so winning BB is huge for him. I do appreciate that.
I wish CBB started on Friday! I need a break, I really do. So what's the moral of this story? Nothing. The winner is as random as Denise Welch and Paddy Docherty so there's no accounting for taste, and this is much nicer. The soldiers made it to the final three. I just hope Deana sues Conor or something. Or at least slaps him.
My boyfriend just bet me 2 Euros (don't ask) they'll show the full Conor rant on BOTS. See you on Twitter to claim my 2 Euros in a few mins. There's more chance of Conor handing over the cash to Deana in compensation.
BB: so much to answer for. And still we watch. Love, your battered wife. See you Weds.