I'm enjoying CBB much more than I did BB and I never normally say that. 'Civillian' BB is what it's all about for me, but that was soured this year by poor casting (except the obvious, who were evicted early).
Who's was that cough?! Whoever it was; stop smoking now.
So this task means they just have to keep eating? That doesn't sound too horrendous.
Jasmine is doing her usual emotional-blackmail-i've-been-a-bitch-but-i-love-you crap.
What is with that pen? It looks like a dildo! They could write down nom stuff with that. Aw, Sitch doesn't know how to spell 'pounds'. It doesn't matter; he won't have any left when Danica's done with him.
Julian to Sitch: 'how's the patient?' about Jasmine. Jasmine is the only girl on the planet Sitch won't hook up with. Does she win an accolade for that? Oh Rhian, woman up. Stick up for yourself.
Jasmine blaming the Big Brother house on her mood swings. What does she normally blame it on? Class A's?
Julie has got some tales. I like her attitude, she's just very down to earth.
Humilitard! They nicked this shit from BBUSA. In BBUSA last week Frank had to wear a 'spiritard'. I have no idea what that is, but it was a rather unflattering shade of lilac.
Looks like Harvey's feeling a bit lycra-mose. Tut-tut-tut (at my own joke)! Do you know where Harvey's from? Battersea, apparently. They have a good car boot sale there.
She's all class, isn't she, Hev, talking about last resort things she'd wipe her arse on. Who in Martin Kemp's house is using Tena lady? Oh, my boyfriend said he meant a ten pound note. You can't do that to the Queen. What would Sara say? Who could afford to? My boyfriend and I lost a ten pound note behind the back of our fireplace about 6 months ago, and have tried to retrieve it with a coat hanger, a hoover, a poker. We can't afford to wipe our arse on that shit. It haunts us!
Julie's right, Coleen did relish sticking a pie in her face. They've got Jasmine on the 2p machine, or as Ben Shephard calls it, 'The Tipping Point.'
Why DOES Coleen hate Julie so much? That will be her downfall as Julie is coming over well. Maybe Julie is fake, or maybe she's just older and wants an easy life, but either way, she's coming across alright.
Julian: 'I think he's more of an 'occasional table' than a Situation.' JC is upset he's not a 'bruv', lol.
That swan Julie and Julian are riding looks like the ones they used to have at Alton Towers. Ha, they're seething with jealousy at Sitch's megabucks in the bank.
Trashing a hotel room is probably the best task to do EVER.That's proper soap meets rock and roll.
Good on Alesha Dixon for telling Harvey to sling his hook and take his shit and go. Classy girl. You're right; you did lie to God. What he did was horrid. Cheating in marriage is gross. No, cheating in any relationship is gross, but what's the point in getting married and doing it? So Jasmine says as long as you've not got babies it's OK to cheat? This bitch is WARPED.
I'm not saying I've never cheated: I have. But I wouldn't again. And I won't lie to God about that shit. And not just because he doesn't exist.
Showing posts with label jasmine leonard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jasmine leonard. Show all posts
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Monday, 20 August 2012
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Booze gun
I think The Situation should be renamed 'The Deadwood'. He's dull as fuck so far.
Jasmine doesn't have friends, she has hostages. Even a conversation starting with a compliment ends in a row.
I don't remember Ashley saying he fancied Rhian. Is he cuddling a teddy in the DR chair? Is he 12? He thinks she does like him but she's worried about how she'll come across as a person. No, she just doesn't fancy you, because you look 12. Anyone who has to say 'I'm a nice guy' is always a bad 'un.
Why is Julie up Jasmine's arse so much? Absolutely adorable?! I've seen more adorable rottweilers who've just chewed a baby to death. Now, IS Julie playing a game? How could anyone like Jasmine? She's made out of 50% spite and 50% malice.
I hate silky bedsheets too. I bought some once in a fit of Stringfellow-pique and I ended up sliding out of bed and knocking my drink over. Never again.
Jasmine, don't tell a journalist you're gagged. Who's gagged her: Simon Cowell or Crazy Town dude?
Jasmine doesn't need to say 'are we having a positive or negative day' like Bea. It's 100% negative all the way.
Danica just said rinse *Beavis and Butthead laugh*.
That Situation task is hard! I couldn't even remember the list of things. He's doing really well - I'll take back the deadwood comment for now, but he did have to be forced into action. Is Sitch giving Martin some Lynx? I like the way Sitch mixes with the old folk, he doesn't seem to just hang round the young ladies.
Eh heh, where can I get me a booze gun! They're all drinking in the day so no wonder Jasmine's gonna kick off. She's a viper when she's sober.
Rhian looks hot in that bikini in the DR chair. Ashley strikes me as a little fuckwad.
Fucking hell, man, has Harvey only just realised Martin was in Eastenders. Does he not remember Matthew Rose going down for Saskia's murder? The car crash? Where was he? Oh, probably out doing an assault.
Julian, you shouldn't have to explain your own jokes. Julian explaining 'The Situation' name story was funny. Not sure I want to stay at the White Swallow. This smut talk does get old after a while.
I can't work out who's thicker; Harvey or Ashley.
Why doesn't Samantha defend Rhian if she's 'older' and can handle it? I'd fucking say something to that Skeletor-cunt-rag-of-doom.
People are speaking to Jasmine in a way she wouldn't normally accept! You're a fucking bitch, no one has said nearly enough to you. You're patronising, hypocritical and cruel. I think she might be the most deranged Big Brother contestant of all time, and that's saying something. I'm not sure she's mentally fit to be in there.
That Ashley guy is such a knob, he's like a mini Kirk Norcross. Someone doesn't fancy him so he's being a little prick. Harvey dealt with that situation well. 'Piss off.' Uh oh, Rhian told Jasmine the truth and she doesn't like it so she immediately walks off.
Jasmine is just the school bully. She was the school bully on Make me a Supermodel and she's still the school bully because she's got insecurity running through her veins, and a black stone where her heart should be.
Why is Jasmine getting involved in Rhian and Ashley's 'situation'? Led him on?! What the FUCK has it got to do with her. Jasmine is more EVIL that Bea. She's definitely the biggest Big Brother bitch of all time. Hats off to her; people that psycho should be in some sort of institute.
Jasmine is now trying to intimidate someone. Brick: speak up! Speak the fuck up, you fucking fencesitter, you're worse than H from Steps and Jermaine combined.
How can Julie bother sympathising with that troll? She should be shunned. She started on Danica, now she's started on Rhian. What's the common denominator? Oh, they're both prettier and younger than her.
Can you imagine being inside Jasmine's head? She came to hang out with 'real celebrities' like Julie and Cheryl? Except they're (past-it) actresses. You're just a fucking professional reality tv superbitch.
There's more chance of the Queen whipping off her mask and revealing her lizard genes than Jasmine winning this show. Her odds must be 1000/1.
Prince Lorenzo's face when she forced him to give her a hug pretty much summed things up. Er... keep Jasmine in!
Jasmine doesn't have friends, she has hostages. Even a conversation starting with a compliment ends in a row.
I don't remember Ashley saying he fancied Rhian. Is he cuddling a teddy in the DR chair? Is he 12? He thinks she does like him but she's worried about how she'll come across as a person. No, she just doesn't fancy you, because you look 12. Anyone who has to say 'I'm a nice guy' is always a bad 'un.
Why is Julie up Jasmine's arse so much? Absolutely adorable?! I've seen more adorable rottweilers who've just chewed a baby to death. Now, IS Julie playing a game? How could anyone like Jasmine? She's made out of 50% spite and 50% malice.
I hate silky bedsheets too. I bought some once in a fit of Stringfellow-pique and I ended up sliding out of bed and knocking my drink over. Never again.
Jasmine, don't tell a journalist you're gagged. Who's gagged her: Simon Cowell or Crazy Town dude?
Jasmine doesn't need to say 'are we having a positive or negative day' like Bea. It's 100% negative all the way.
Danica just said rinse *Beavis and Butthead laugh*.
That Situation task is hard! I couldn't even remember the list of things. He's doing really well - I'll take back the deadwood comment for now, but he did have to be forced into action. Is Sitch giving Martin some Lynx? I like the way Sitch mixes with the old folk, he doesn't seem to just hang round the young ladies.
Eh heh, where can I get me a booze gun! They're all drinking in the day so no wonder Jasmine's gonna kick off. She's a viper when she's sober.
Rhian looks hot in that bikini in the DR chair. Ashley strikes me as a little fuckwad.
Fucking hell, man, has Harvey only just realised Martin was in Eastenders. Does he not remember Matthew Rose going down for Saskia's murder? The car crash? Where was he? Oh, probably out doing an assault.
Julian, you shouldn't have to explain your own jokes. Julian explaining 'The Situation' name story was funny. Not sure I want to stay at the White Swallow. This smut talk does get old after a while.
I can't work out who's thicker; Harvey or Ashley.
Why doesn't Samantha defend Rhian if she's 'older' and can handle it? I'd fucking say something to that Skeletor-cunt-rag-of-doom.
People are speaking to Jasmine in a way she wouldn't normally accept! You're a fucking bitch, no one has said nearly enough to you. You're patronising, hypocritical and cruel. I think she might be the most deranged Big Brother contestant of all time, and that's saying something. I'm not sure she's mentally fit to be in there.
That Ashley guy is such a knob, he's like a mini Kirk Norcross. Someone doesn't fancy him so he's being a little prick. Harvey dealt with that situation well. 'Piss off.' Uh oh, Rhian told Jasmine the truth and she doesn't like it so she immediately walks off.
Jasmine is just the school bully. She was the school bully on Make me a Supermodel and she's still the school bully because she's got insecurity running through her veins, and a black stone where her heart should be.
Why is Jasmine getting involved in Rhian and Ashley's 'situation'? Led him on?! What the FUCK has it got to do with her. Jasmine is more EVIL that Bea. She's definitely the biggest Big Brother bitch of all time. Hats off to her; people that psycho should be in some sort of institute.
Jasmine is now trying to intimidate someone. Brick: speak up! Speak the fuck up, you fucking fencesitter, you're worse than H from Steps and Jermaine combined.
How can Julie bother sympathising with that troll? She should be shunned. She started on Danica, now she's started on Rhian. What's the common denominator? Oh, they're both prettier and younger than her.
Can you imagine being inside Jasmine's head? She came to hang out with 'real celebrities' like Julie and Cheryl? Except they're (past-it) actresses. You're just a fucking professional reality tv superbitch.
There's more chance of the Queen whipping off her mask and revealing her lizard genes than Jasmine winning this show. Her odds must be 1000/1.
Prince Lorenzo's face when she forced him to give her a hug pretty much summed things up. Er... keep Jasmine in!
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: You are fucking indestructable
Why are Prince Lorenzo and Martin doubting nominating Jasminge. The fact Jasmine had to 'try to be nice to people' says it all. It's an effort for her to be polite because her natural status is full-on Beelzebub mode.
Jasmine 'god help the people who voted for me' whilst Damica is in the room. That's a threat, right?
Jasmine has poison running through her veins, not blood. 'You parents must be so proud of you' - I read on Digital Spy today that Damica's mum is dead. I wish someone would stand up to her. Will SOMEONE not stand up to the girl? She's being a bully! Fuck me, man, I wish I was in that house, I'd fucking tell that little starfucker what's what. Jasmine's parents must be SO PROUD OF HER fucking Simon Cowell, some cunt from Crazy Town, and then a big old meth addiction. They must be SO SO PROUD. Daughter of the year, or what? If only we could all be more like Jasmine, I think the world would be a veritable utopia.
They should take Jasmine into the DR and give her a warning. Danica could win this show off the back of this. It's definitely helping her popularity, as she's acting in a very classy way in the face of an utter scumbag.
If I had to vote two people out at the mo, it would be Heather for being a dull embarrassment, and Judo boy for not saying one word. Completely pointless so far.
So this is another task where they make fun of their 'careers' right? I liked Danica just taking her clothes off; proves she's not been cowed by Jasmine just yet. Harvey's rap was hilarious. 'Tut, tut, tut!' Martin Kemp's was like a piece of performing art.
The Situation's nickname explained at last. Wasn't really worth the wait.
It's interesting that Coleen said about Julie what I thought initially. But I don't believe she's fake: I like her. Coleen is just dull, she's just like someone's annoying mum.
Sea-gulliable! You can't pick and choose what animal you come back as after you die. NB: You just rot.
I'm glad Jasmine overheard Danica saying her mum was dead and I think it's no coincidence Danica said it within her earshot, though. I'm surprised Jasmine didn't laugh and go 'no wonder you're a fucking slag then.' I wouldn't put it past her.
Jasmine's apology had a bit of a double-edge to it. 'If you had a mum, you would have been stopped.' Even her apology was all about her. It's also like 'I've made these mistakes so you don't have to.' Patronising troll. She's worse than Louise Mensch.
How the fuck did Ashley win that task!? He's got no 'tut tut tut'! Boo.
All Rhian has to do is keep her mouth shut and it's a done deal this week.
The Situation is such a smoothie. I don't think Danica is a lost cause yet, he could bring her round, just give her his gold card and she'll give him a wave on Skype.
Jasmine's got no friends? How could that be? *snigger* Jasmine is shit-stirring Danica again; just a bit more slyly. I want to see someone take her on before her arse goes out that door. Then I never want to see her again.
Jasmine 'god help the people who voted for me' whilst Damica is in the room. That's a threat, right?
Jasmine has poison running through her veins, not blood. 'You parents must be so proud of you' - I read on Digital Spy today that Damica's mum is dead. I wish someone would stand up to her. Will SOMEONE not stand up to the girl? She's being a bully! Fuck me, man, I wish I was in that house, I'd fucking tell that little starfucker what's what. Jasmine's parents must be SO PROUD OF HER fucking Simon Cowell, some cunt from Crazy Town, and then a big old meth addiction. They must be SO SO PROUD. Daughter of the year, or what? If only we could all be more like Jasmine, I think the world would be a veritable utopia.
They should take Jasmine into the DR and give her a warning. Danica could win this show off the back of this. It's definitely helping her popularity, as she's acting in a very classy way in the face of an utter scumbag.
If I had to vote two people out at the mo, it would be Heather for being a dull embarrassment, and Judo boy for not saying one word. Completely pointless so far.
So this is another task where they make fun of their 'careers' right? I liked Danica just taking her clothes off; proves she's not been cowed by Jasmine just yet. Harvey's rap was hilarious. 'Tut, tut, tut!' Martin Kemp's was like a piece of performing art.
The Situation's nickname explained at last. Wasn't really worth the wait.
It's interesting that Coleen said about Julie what I thought initially. But I don't believe she's fake: I like her. Coleen is just dull, she's just like someone's annoying mum.
Sea-gulliable! You can't pick and choose what animal you come back as after you die. NB: You just rot.
I'm glad Jasmine overheard Danica saying her mum was dead and I think it's no coincidence Danica said it within her earshot, though. I'm surprised Jasmine didn't laugh and go 'no wonder you're a fucking slag then.' I wouldn't put it past her.
Jasmine's apology had a bit of a double-edge to it. 'If you had a mum, you would have been stopped.' Even her apology was all about her. It's also like 'I've made these mistakes so you don't have to.' Patronising troll. She's worse than Louise Mensch.
How the fuck did Ashley win that task!? He's got no 'tut tut tut'! Boo.
All Rhian has to do is keep her mouth shut and it's a done deal this week.
The Situation is such a smoothie. I don't think Danica is a lost cause yet, he could bring her round, just give her his gold card and she'll give him a wave on Skype.
Jasmine's got no friends? How could that be? *snigger* Jasmine is shit-stirring Danica again; just a bit more slyly. I want to see someone take her on before her arse goes out that door. Then I never want to see her again.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Fuck off, you prick
Janine's master plan fell apart quite spectacularly last night; leaving Danica nicely off the hook. She thought she had all her ducks in a row and she didn't. Now she's going to star in her own morality popularity contest: and lose to Vermin's cyber dolly. Can't wait! At least Danica is honest about her business. How much do you think Jasmine got for a walk-on role as Simon Cowell's beard? You admitted your gagged from talking about it, so you don't get gagged for nothing. Fucking dickwad.
Heather stop buttkissing Julie Goodyear. Julie is a genuinely funny woman; I hope she stays for the long haul.
Jasmine is basically bullying Damica. So she'd do topless modelling? Jasmine is the biggest fucking hypocrite in that house. 'She's selling the idea of it...' Selling the idea of it is BETTER THAN GETTING YOUR BOOBS OUT. Either way it's all part of the same fucking THING. The men are happily paying; if they're stupid enough to pay, let the motherfuckers pay. Jasmine's idea of 'morality' is whatever she doesn't do. You're a former crackhead, celebrity fucker and I hope Damica finds her balls and gives it back to that cunt. She's got enough ammo.
Jasmine is just a woman who hates other women, simple as that. I did have a giggle when John Mcruick said she looked about 85.
Samantha Brick: princess for the day. I hope her husband doesn't find out, he'll be busting that door down with a shotgun in about 15 seconds flat.
Jasmine is psychic: she can feel it kicking off. Cos she started it.
I like seeing The Situation vulnerable! He's smitten. Who knows how she feels? But there could be more shoes on the way, and that's the main thing.
Harvey's nomination for Damica was particularly despicable. What is a 'real celebrity' these days? You're no better than an internet troll. Another morality lesson from a one-hit wonder, two-dime fucking criminal. Damica should bite back at him too and not go 'it's Ok.' It's not OK to be spoken to like that.
What is the deal with Jasmine and her boring son? Anyone would think she's the first person to have ever pushed a baby out of her fanny. It was your choice to have that baby; it's not my problem, meth face.
Jasmine is ready to BLOW. I don't really see why Rhian is on the block, she's seems utterly inoffensive.
Don't you get it that the missing your family thing is just a cop out vote! They're trying to be kind to you.
Jasmine is getting exactly what she deserves. I had her card marked from day one. BOO WOO. She needs to go get some intensive therapy; she's completely nuts. She's just damaged goods.
Prince Lorenzo shouldn't feel embarrassed - nominating is the name of the fucking game! Never seen BB before?
Jasmine: 'I've tried so hard to work on my character defaults.' Must try harder. I want Julie to give me a motherly hug. She's got a really nice, warm way with people.
WHY is Rhian up? She just seems like a normal, nice girl. It is just a 'slut-shaming' vote, IMO.
Have you noticed that it's only skinny people who drink full fat coke, and fat people drink diet coke?
Jasime is such a manipulative cunt. You can't win with that bitch. Damica was being totally cool with her and trying to make amends. Jasmine has got persecution syndrome. She's completely unhinged.
Jasmine: 'I'm stunned that prostitute lasted longer than me.' SHE'S NOT A FUCKING PROSTITUTE. Even Samantha Brick looked uncomfortable about that. Put a wish list up, I bet not one person would buy you a fucking sausage, you evil cow. Here's what I wish for you; GET OFF MY SCREEN. And leave the country. But I do hope she survives the noms. ;0
BTW Exitainment now has it's own spin off radio show with a co-host that's 25% funnier than me, so have a listen if you want. You can hear the Northampton accent I'm trying to shake off, plus my Lauren-style annoying laugh. I'd listening to the launch show ep, as we were a bit drunk the second time.
Heather stop buttkissing Julie Goodyear. Julie is a genuinely funny woman; I hope she stays for the long haul.
Jasmine is basically bullying Damica. So she'd do topless modelling? Jasmine is the biggest fucking hypocrite in that house. 'She's selling the idea of it...' Selling the idea of it is BETTER THAN GETTING YOUR BOOBS OUT. Either way it's all part of the same fucking THING. The men are happily paying; if they're stupid enough to pay, let the motherfuckers pay. Jasmine's idea of 'morality' is whatever she doesn't do. You're a former crackhead, celebrity fucker and I hope Damica finds her balls and gives it back to that cunt. She's got enough ammo.
Jasmine is just a woman who hates other women, simple as that. I did have a giggle when John Mcruick said she looked about 85.
Samantha Brick: princess for the day. I hope her husband doesn't find out, he'll be busting that door down with a shotgun in about 15 seconds flat.
Jasmine is psychic: she can feel it kicking off. Cos she started it.
I like seeing The Situation vulnerable! He's smitten. Who knows how she feels? But there could be more shoes on the way, and that's the main thing.
Harvey's nomination for Damica was particularly despicable. What is a 'real celebrity' these days? You're no better than an internet troll. Another morality lesson from a one-hit wonder, two-dime fucking criminal. Damica should bite back at him too and not go 'it's Ok.' It's not OK to be spoken to like that.
What is the deal with Jasmine and her boring son? Anyone would think she's the first person to have ever pushed a baby out of her fanny. It was your choice to have that baby; it's not my problem, meth face.
Jasmine is ready to BLOW. I don't really see why Rhian is on the block, she's seems utterly inoffensive.
Don't you get it that the missing your family thing is just a cop out vote! They're trying to be kind to you.
Jasmine is getting exactly what she deserves. I had her card marked from day one. BOO WOO. She needs to go get some intensive therapy; she's completely nuts. She's just damaged goods.
Prince Lorenzo shouldn't feel embarrassed - nominating is the name of the fucking game! Never seen BB before?
Jasmine: 'I've tried so hard to work on my character defaults.' Must try harder. I want Julie to give me a motherly hug. She's got a really nice, warm way with people.
WHY is Rhian up? She just seems like a normal, nice girl. It is just a 'slut-shaming' vote, IMO.
Have you noticed that it's only skinny people who drink full fat coke, and fat people drink diet coke?
Jasime is such a manipulative cunt. You can't win with that bitch. Damica was being totally cool with her and trying to make amends. Jasmine has got persecution syndrome. She's completely unhinged.
Jasmine: 'I'm stunned that prostitute lasted longer than me.' SHE'S NOT A FUCKING PROSTITUTE. Even Samantha Brick looked uncomfortable about that. Put a wish list up, I bet not one person would buy you a fucking sausage, you evil cow. Here's what I wish for you; GET OFF MY SCREEN. And leave the country. But I do hope she survives the noms. ;0
BTW Exitainment now has it's own spin off radio show with a co-host that's 25% funnier than me, so have a listen if you want. You can hear the Northampton accent I'm trying to shake off, plus my Lauren-style annoying laugh. I'd listening to the launch show ep, as we were a bit drunk the second time.
Friday, 17 August 2012
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Live nominations
So I watched about 20 minutes of Jersey Shore earlier for 'research purposes'. It's all shot through a weird lens and the men are all neon brown and bouffanted. Someone punched The Situation in the face. Hopefully we can recreate that moment tonight. Someone else said 'the girls can't be bringing men back to the house. They're girls.' I don't think I'll be watching any more of that.
Gliss shampoo? You get that in the pound shop and it's not even much cop, it's not even as good as Timotei. I don't think Julie is so much brave as broke.
Prince Lorenzo's pet food shop. Do the Italians have a Royal family? Coleen on Harvey: 'he knows everything.' Er...
Danica's got a nice personality when you've got 5 million dollars in the bank. If you're a pauper, she'll spit on you. Shoes or no shoes? That's what it all amounts to with her.
LOL to Julie's family taking a ten quid trip to Australia and never being seen again. Mind you, ten quid, that's a good offer. I'd be tempted to go cuddle a koala for that money. I can't believe I actually like Julie Goodyear. I always thought she was a real diva, but she's actually quite motherly and gives good advice.
Jasmine is keeping it cute and keeping it mute on the Simon Cowell situation. He's obviously paid her off. Is that a ring she's wearing? *insert Julian Clary joke here'. Jasmine: 'the truth will come out out in the end.' Yes, out of the closet.
Danica's got The Situation under the thumb already.
Julie on Russell Brand: 'I think he needs a bath.' She's got more one liners than Julian. This Russell Brand story is AMAZING. White soiled boxers. Dirty peacock! I bet you a million quid Jasmine fucked him. Rhian's been with him, too. LOL. I guess those old Big Mouth ties are well and truly cut. Poor old Russ. Quite funny, though.
Why does Heather/Cheryl have her hair like that?! She's a fashion apocalypse. Julie needs to sort her out.
Julian: 'I'm sure Big Brother will provide lubricant.' They will, but it will be Morrisons value lubricant.
This task should set the cat amongst the (dirty) pigeons. The housemate's secrets.
Is Harvey's: 'I held a knife to my girlfriend's throat.'?
I don't think Jasmine is quite pulling off those sunglasses.
'Out of context' is the strap line for this year's Big Brother's. LOL to The Situation saying 'I have made a sex tape but I don't remember telling anybody.'
Cheryl is getting well pissed off being passed from 'using her body to make money' to 'making a sex tape.' Now we're imagining Coleen making a sex tape with Shane Ritchie. Eww.
Out of context; I think Samantha Brick is too ugly for TV. Out of context! Can I just say anything and say 'out of context' afterwards? You're all cunts! Out of context!
Martin and Julie are both funny. Lots of laughs in the house at the moment.
The Situation has got some SERIOUS double standards going on. He makes money from sex and his body, too! He just makes a lot more than her. But he's ugly. So he's lucky.
I have an Amazon wish list of things I want online. But I just buy myself things off it when I eventually scrape the money together. I don't even like wedding lists. You shouldn't ask anyone for gifts, ever.
Look at them all turning on Danica! Rhian is a topless model who 'sexted' Vernon, what's the difference? Those men know what they're buying.
Let's get Danica's list up and buy her the cheapest thing off it like when you go to a wedding. One spoon for you. Oh no, give it to Jasmine for her massive shitstir.
Danica has NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG! Fucking hell man, talk about stab a girl in the back. If men are stupid enough to buy her things, let them fucking buy the stupid shoes. Julian: the voice of reason, 'he's hardly the Virgin Mary himself.'
Coleen's sitting in the judgement - sorry, smoking - corner. They should put Amanda Platell or Jan Moir in that house, that would be amazing.
Jasmine: 'so there was rinsing guys.' LOL. Rinsing IS a word, what about rinsing your hair out, dumbass?
The Situation seems like a pussycat. He's still got a hard of for Danica. STOP STIRRING, Jasmine. I know exactly what that girl is made off. 9 carat gold evil. What's it got to do with you, keep your plastic snout out. She's like the Lydia of the house, but a lot less likeable.
Julie and Julian, the great dames in the boudoir. 'Fifty quid an episode, it was like we'd won the fucking lottery.' Wicked.
Jasmine, that tension between you and Danica has been up. 'Her shit aint gonna wash with you'? What has anything to do with her life got to do with you? Piss off. Everyone's gotta earn a few quid haven't they? Don't tell me you slept with Simon Cowell because you particularly like grey jumpers, you fucking hypocrite. He obvious paid you off, so STFU.
Ooh, live nominations! Well it's obvious they're all going to go after Danica. It's all going to be 'I can't do it, I can't do it.' Is it face to face, or just live from the DR?
Oh at least someone's sorted Cheryl's hair out. Rhian looks like a rouged duck.
Martin Kemp is so smoooooooooooooooooth. My boyfriend thinks he's a master game player. I'm not so sure. I think he's just a dude.
Samantha Brick would be an easy nomination, I think. You can blame it on external factors.
Did they just say they have one nomination? Just nominate the person to the left of you. Are you idiots? Work it out! They've done it in series gone by (remember when Aaron threw it, LOL).
Why is it only one nomination? I've never seen one nomination before.
Those envelopes look a bit cheap and nasty. Did they go to those cheap five star stationers you always have at work?
Ooh I wonder who Jasmine has nominated? Surprise surprise! Moral values! What a cow. How dare you push your 'morals' on someone else. You have no fucking morals! I remember you on that show. You were cruel. Proper, proper cruel.
Interesting that Julie nominated Coleen. Screwface. Harvey's nominating Danica. Jasmine's obviously been in his ear.
Julian is nominating The Situation for disrespecting women. 'So there we have it.'
Coleen nominated Rhian: perhaps she's a fan of Family Fortunes.
YES! Prince Lorenzo nominated Jasmine. That son thing was total BS. He's seen through her shit.
WTF Rhian is nominating Martin! Talk about a throwaway vote. He's giving her the steely blue eyes. Hide the ashtrays!
Ashley is nominating Lorenzo. Ashley is either very dull or he's getting a bad edit. The vote has been very split so far.
Cheryl is nominating Rhian. Family Fortunes again, presumably.
Martin nommed Jasmie because she needs to go see her boy. They shouldn't be allowed to nominate for that reason.
Samantha, didn't you judge Rhian beforehand by writing about her in an article, hamster face?
Pow, Damica hit back at Jasmine. Is it them two up?
The Situation nommed Coleen. LOL to Coleen going 'I don't miss my family.' The kid vote is a cop out.
Jasmine looks really pissed off. Well if you go in there and act like Lady Muck moralising and putting other women down, that's what you get. I know I slag people off in my blog, but I hold zero moral high ground. We're all just idiots on a planet.
So up for nomination is Rhian and Jasmine. Jasmine will go! Ha ha. Damica must be laughing her head off. Why you got your shades on, dickhead? Sun aint out, is it? Enjoying yourself on your moral high ground are you? It can be quite a lonely place; just ask Samantha Brick.
Jasmine didn't expect it. Course you didn't because you thought you were pulling the strings, didn't you? 'I put so much time and effort in...' What? Being nice to someone?
Jasmine, don't cry and smoke at the same time, you'll put your fag out.
Coleen: 'don't nominate me for an easy reason.' So you'd prefer it if someone said you were an indomitable old bat? As if.
That was quite entertaining but when's the eviction? Bring it!
Gliss shampoo? You get that in the pound shop and it's not even much cop, it's not even as good as Timotei. I don't think Julie is so much brave as broke.
Prince Lorenzo's pet food shop. Do the Italians have a Royal family? Coleen on Harvey: 'he knows everything.' Er...
Danica's got a nice personality when you've got 5 million dollars in the bank. If you're a pauper, she'll spit on you. Shoes or no shoes? That's what it all amounts to with her.
LOL to Julie's family taking a ten quid trip to Australia and never being seen again. Mind you, ten quid, that's a good offer. I'd be tempted to go cuddle a koala for that money. I can't believe I actually like Julie Goodyear. I always thought she was a real diva, but she's actually quite motherly and gives good advice.
Jasmine is keeping it cute and keeping it mute on the Simon Cowell situation. He's obviously paid her off. Is that a ring she's wearing? *insert Julian Clary joke here'. Jasmine: 'the truth will come out out in the end.' Yes, out of the closet.
Danica's got The Situation under the thumb already.
Julie on Russell Brand: 'I think he needs a bath.' She's got more one liners than Julian. This Russell Brand story is AMAZING. White soiled boxers. Dirty peacock! I bet you a million quid Jasmine fucked him. Rhian's been with him, too. LOL. I guess those old Big Mouth ties are well and truly cut. Poor old Russ. Quite funny, though.
Why does Heather/Cheryl have her hair like that?! She's a fashion apocalypse. Julie needs to sort her out.
Julian: 'I'm sure Big Brother will provide lubricant.' They will, but it will be Morrisons value lubricant.
This task should set the cat amongst the (dirty) pigeons. The housemate's secrets.
Is Harvey's: 'I held a knife to my girlfriend's throat.'?
I don't think Jasmine is quite pulling off those sunglasses.
'Out of context' is the strap line for this year's Big Brother's. LOL to The Situation saying 'I have made a sex tape but I don't remember telling anybody.'
Cheryl is getting well pissed off being passed from 'using her body to make money' to 'making a sex tape.' Now we're imagining Coleen making a sex tape with Shane Ritchie. Eww.
Out of context; I think Samantha Brick is too ugly for TV. Out of context! Can I just say anything and say 'out of context' afterwards? You're all cunts! Out of context!
Martin and Julie are both funny. Lots of laughs in the house at the moment.
The Situation has got some SERIOUS double standards going on. He makes money from sex and his body, too! He just makes a lot more than her. But he's ugly. So he's lucky.
I have an Amazon wish list of things I want online. But I just buy myself things off it when I eventually scrape the money together. I don't even like wedding lists. You shouldn't ask anyone for gifts, ever.
Look at them all turning on Danica! Rhian is a topless model who 'sexted' Vernon, what's the difference? Those men know what they're buying.
Let's get Danica's list up and buy her the cheapest thing off it like when you go to a wedding. One spoon for you. Oh no, give it to Jasmine for her massive shitstir.
Danica has NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG! Fucking hell man, talk about stab a girl in the back. If men are stupid enough to buy her things, let them fucking buy the stupid shoes. Julian: the voice of reason, 'he's hardly the Virgin Mary himself.'
Coleen's sitting in the judgement - sorry, smoking - corner. They should put Amanda Platell or Jan Moir in that house, that would be amazing.
Jasmine: 'so there was rinsing guys.' LOL. Rinsing IS a word, what about rinsing your hair out, dumbass?
The Situation seems like a pussycat. He's still got a hard of for Danica. STOP STIRRING, Jasmine. I know exactly what that girl is made off. 9 carat gold evil. What's it got to do with you, keep your plastic snout out. She's like the Lydia of the house, but a lot less likeable.
Julie and Julian, the great dames in the boudoir. 'Fifty quid an episode, it was like we'd won the fucking lottery.' Wicked.
Jasmine, that tension between you and Danica has been up. 'Her shit aint gonna wash with you'? What has anything to do with her life got to do with you? Piss off. Everyone's gotta earn a few quid haven't they? Don't tell me you slept with Simon Cowell because you particularly like grey jumpers, you fucking hypocrite. He obvious paid you off, so STFU.
Ooh, live nominations! Well it's obvious they're all going to go after Danica. It's all going to be 'I can't do it, I can't do it.' Is it face to face, or just live from the DR?
Oh at least someone's sorted Cheryl's hair out. Rhian looks like a rouged duck.
Martin Kemp is so smoooooooooooooooooth. My boyfriend thinks he's a master game player. I'm not so sure. I think he's just a dude.
Samantha Brick would be an easy nomination, I think. You can blame it on external factors.
Did they just say they have one nomination? Just nominate the person to the left of you. Are you idiots? Work it out! They've done it in series gone by (remember when Aaron threw it, LOL).
Why is it only one nomination? I've never seen one nomination before.
Those envelopes look a bit cheap and nasty. Did they go to those cheap five star stationers you always have at work?
Ooh I wonder who Jasmine has nominated? Surprise surprise! Moral values! What a cow. How dare you push your 'morals' on someone else. You have no fucking morals! I remember you on that show. You were cruel. Proper, proper cruel.
Interesting that Julie nominated Coleen. Screwface. Harvey's nominating Danica. Jasmine's obviously been in his ear.
Julian is nominating The Situation for disrespecting women. 'So there we have it.'
Coleen nominated Rhian: perhaps she's a fan of Family Fortunes.
YES! Prince Lorenzo nominated Jasmine. That son thing was total BS. He's seen through her shit.
WTF Rhian is nominating Martin! Talk about a throwaway vote. He's giving her the steely blue eyes. Hide the ashtrays!
Ashley is nominating Lorenzo. Ashley is either very dull or he's getting a bad edit. The vote has been very split so far.
Cheryl is nominating Rhian. Family Fortunes again, presumably.
Martin nommed Jasmie because she needs to go see her boy. They shouldn't be allowed to nominate for that reason.
Samantha, didn't you judge Rhian beforehand by writing about her in an article, hamster face?
Pow, Damica hit back at Jasmine. Is it them two up?
The Situation nommed Coleen. LOL to Coleen going 'I don't miss my family.' The kid vote is a cop out.
Jasmine looks really pissed off. Well if you go in there and act like Lady Muck moralising and putting other women down, that's what you get. I know I slag people off in my blog, but I hold zero moral high ground. We're all just idiots on a planet.
So up for nomination is Rhian and Jasmine. Jasmine will go! Ha ha. Damica must be laughing her head off. Why you got your shades on, dickhead? Sun aint out, is it? Enjoying yourself on your moral high ground are you? It can be quite a lonely place; just ask Samantha Brick.
Jasmine didn't expect it. Course you didn't because you thought you were pulling the strings, didn't you? 'I put so much time and effort in...' What? Being nice to someone?
Jasmine, don't cry and smoke at the same time, you'll put your fag out.
Coleen: 'don't nominate me for an easy reason.' So you'd prefer it if someone said you were an indomitable old bat? As if.
That was quite entertaining but when's the eviction? Bring it!
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: I'm going to knock love into you
I just watched the live feed from last night; I enjoyed Julian and Lorenzo's chat. So Lorenzo isn't REALLY a prince. I liked the convo about civil partnerships. That's the sort of Big Brother I want, not all this BS about tasks.
OK so Harvey held a knife to his girlfriend's throat. Do they just let ANYONE in that house these days? They'll probably give him a knighthood.
So is there an eviction tomorrow? That's what I wanna know.
My boyfriend just said 'what is The Situation? Is there a specific situation he was involved in to get than name?' Anyone know?
Just noticed Bet Lynch's leggings from yesterday. I'd wear them. I don't mind her hair either. She's like Courtney Love's mum.
Oh God, I can't sit through this ear piece tyranny again. We're having to sit through loads of this crap again. It's always the way. Why pander to the people who didn't watch yesterday? Fuck 'em.
'I didn't recognise you without your balaclava on.' to Heather. Nice one.
'What's your function? I'll try and use short words.' Rude! Don't treat The Situation like that. He's The Situation. I want to be called 'The' something.
Did you see Sit's face when Rhian walked down the stairs? His eyes were out on stalks like . She seems quite lovely. I hate Tess Daly and Vernon Kay anyway. The way he goes on, he sounds like a pathetic teenager bragging about sex to his gormless mates.
The Situation has action man eyes, sliding from side to side. Sit put his hood up when Harvey walked in. Territorial pissings. He's not interested in anyone who's not DTF. Samantha Brick has a face like a weasel. I'll give her a chance, though. Hev's eviction song: Lonely Goatherd.
Sit's eyes are working overtime; I've not seen such eyeball rotation since John James/ Britney off BB USA.
My boyfriend just called this respected Olympian 'who-do'. Does that joke work written down? Er... no.
I can't quite quite get over how much Jasmine Leonard's face has changed since Make Me a Supermodel. My boyfriend thinks she's 40 years old. She's 5 years younger than me.
That faux row was so silly. 'Don't talk shite!' was quite convincing, though. It was quite good that Hev can make herself cry on cue.
I wish Jasmine would take that gold jacket off. She looks like a gameshow host. Did she just say to Hev 'don't cry, you look beautiful'? You'd swap, then, would you? 'I got your back.' Sweet, US speak! Coleen is also in the gold jacket alliance. The flammable fabrics alliance.
Bet would have been called to the DR for violence for chucking a drink over someone, dur. Does Sit know what hotpot is?
Jasmine: 'don't trust those two bitches.' They were on a task!
Why does Jasmine keep telling everyone she's known for her bad behaviour?! That's not a way to get people on side. Hold on, I'm a Gemini, what are you fucking saying?! Fuck off talking about starsigns. If anyone started talking about starsigns to me I'd punch them in the face. Grow up. They'll be talking about fucking crystals next.
Steve Owen to Sit: 'I would' about the laydeez.
Bet using a cigarette holder: cool. I thought that was just her character's affectation. Almost worth the lung cancer just to look that badass.
Jasmine's gnashers are enormous. Sit is trying to find out who's got boyfriends. I like Lorenzo. I like quite a lot of them, actually.
Ashley speaks like a simpleton. Eh heh, check out Julian's pyjamas. They remind me of Michael Madsen's last year.
WTF is a 'screen munch'? Does she mean a 'screen dump'? I like Jasmine stirring Rhian up to kick off.
I really like Danica's accent. The Situation: 'I love people who are genuine.' Is that his best pick up line?
Everyone I've spoken to today seems shocked Martin Kemp is in the house, and wondering if he's down on his luck. He obvs needs some more Gold. My boyfriend just said of Martin Kemp/ Steve Owen: 'Remember when he got off with his mum?'
I like the new cushions in the smoking area. Jasmine is doing therapy speak! All addicts together. Are they going to start going on about God? Heaven help us. Harvey needs a woman to sort him out! Oh dear. Sort yourself out, kiddo.
Jasmine does accept men's indiscretions! WTF. Why is she saying that on the first day? Uh oh, Harvey's after the bad girl.
I actually don't mind Bet Lynch so far, weirdly. Wish we could have seen more of the show tonight. Too much of last night rehashed. I think this is going to be a good series.
OK so Harvey held a knife to his girlfriend's throat. Do they just let ANYONE in that house these days? They'll probably give him a knighthood.
So is there an eviction tomorrow? That's what I wanna know.
My boyfriend just said 'what is The Situation? Is there a specific situation he was involved in to get than name?' Anyone know?
Just noticed Bet Lynch's leggings from yesterday. I'd wear them. I don't mind her hair either. She's like Courtney Love's mum.
Oh God, I can't sit through this ear piece tyranny again. We're having to sit through loads of this crap again. It's always the way. Why pander to the people who didn't watch yesterday? Fuck 'em.
'I didn't recognise you without your balaclava on.' to Heather. Nice one.
'What's your function? I'll try and use short words.' Rude! Don't treat The Situation like that. He's The Situation. I want to be called 'The' something.
Did you see Sit's face when Rhian walked down the stairs? His eyes were out on stalks like . She seems quite lovely. I hate Tess Daly and Vernon Kay anyway. The way he goes on, he sounds like a pathetic teenager bragging about sex to his gormless mates.
The Situation has action man eyes, sliding from side to side. Sit put his hood up when Harvey walked in. Territorial pissings. He's not interested in anyone who's not DTF. Samantha Brick has a face like a weasel. I'll give her a chance, though. Hev's eviction song: Lonely Goatherd.
Sit's eyes are working overtime; I've not seen such eyeball rotation since John James/ Britney off BB USA.
My boyfriend just called this respected Olympian 'who-do'. Does that joke work written down? Er... no.
I can't quite quite get over how much Jasmine Leonard's face has changed since Make Me a Supermodel. My boyfriend thinks she's 40 years old. She's 5 years younger than me.
That faux row was so silly. 'Don't talk shite!' was quite convincing, though. It was quite good that Hev can make herself cry on cue.
I wish Jasmine would take that gold jacket off. She looks like a gameshow host. Did she just say to Hev 'don't cry, you look beautiful'? You'd swap, then, would you? 'I got your back.' Sweet, US speak! Coleen is also in the gold jacket alliance. The flammable fabrics alliance.
Bet would have been called to the DR for violence for chucking a drink over someone, dur. Does Sit know what hotpot is?
Jasmine: 'don't trust those two bitches.' They were on a task!
Why does Jasmine keep telling everyone she's known for her bad behaviour?! That's not a way to get people on side. Hold on, I'm a Gemini, what are you fucking saying?! Fuck off talking about starsigns. If anyone started talking about starsigns to me I'd punch them in the face. Grow up. They'll be talking about fucking crystals next.
Steve Owen to Sit: 'I would' about the laydeez.
Bet using a cigarette holder: cool. I thought that was just her character's affectation. Almost worth the lung cancer just to look that badass.
Jasmine's gnashers are enormous. Sit is trying to find out who's got boyfriends. I like Lorenzo. I like quite a lot of them, actually.
Ashley speaks like a simpleton. Eh heh, check out Julian's pyjamas. They remind me of Michael Madsen's last year.
WTF is a 'screen munch'? Does she mean a 'screen dump'? I like Jasmine stirring Rhian up to kick off.
I really like Danica's accent. The Situation: 'I love people who are genuine.' Is that his best pick up line?
Everyone I've spoken to today seems shocked Martin Kemp is in the house, and wondering if he's down on his luck. He obvs needs some more Gold. My boyfriend just said of Martin Kemp/ Steve Owen: 'Remember when he got off with his mum?'
I like the new cushions in the smoking area. Jasmine is doing therapy speak! All addicts together. Are they going to start going on about God? Heaven help us. Harvey needs a woman to sort him out! Oh dear. Sort yourself out, kiddo.
Jasmine does accept men's indiscretions! WTF. Why is she saying that on the first day? Uh oh, Harvey's after the bad girl.
I actually don't mind Bet Lynch so far, weirdly. Wish we could have seen more of the show tonight. Too much of last night rehashed. I think this is going to be a good series.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Launch show
I have been blogging Celebrity Big Brother since 2007! Hardcore. That was the Jade vs Shilpa year, fact fans. I think it's safe to say Shilpa won that one, in more ways than one (RIP).
And here I am again. And here are some people dancing who aren't going into the house. I normally prefer the civilian version, but the last series (ie. two days ago) was so vile, I'm looking forward to some light relief.
First in is Bet Lynch. Argh. She's so annoying. She put me off leopard print for years. Well, her and Kat Slater. I've heard she's a right cow in real life. Ooh, she's a smoker. A new outsider is born.
Fuck me, check out that coat. Technicolour dream vom. I think she's going to be a cross between Denise Welch, Tina Malone and Natalie Cassidy. Not a good thing.
Hold on, why did Bet go through that door? Can't she do stairs? They've still got Benedict's chair in there, I see. I've gone from hating that coat to wanting it in about five seconds.
Second up is HEV. How can you kill someone with a picture frame? Especially Hev, it'd have to be a Van Gogh. I stopped watching Eastenders just before than happened. I don't like Hev. Hev's going to miss her goat herder husband going in the house. I think I'd rather he was going in. She's wearing a bejewelled tent.
They know each other! I hate that. Soap love, or smock wars, as my boyfriend said next. Who's going to be next, some cunt off Hollyoaks?
Oh so there's going to be some twist already - zzz. Clearly they haven't just watched the last season of Big Brother. I liked it when Bet said 'It's not a bum competition'. I don't think it's a 'bigger chair' issue, Hev. It's your arse that's too big.
This earpiece thing is good TV! Oh Christ. This is embarrassing. These two are thick as shit. They're also utterly unlikeable. Even Natalie Cassidy could follow basic instructions.
'You definitely probably know who I am' sats third housemate, The Situation. I only know about Jersey Shore from Beavis and Butthead. 'Is that Snooki? U-huh-huh-huh.' I can't watch that sort of TV, it's too lowbrow even for me. My best friend fancies The Situation, I have it on tape. What do people call him for short? Sit? What is the 'smush' room?
'I'm going to wing/ win it.' This has been unintentionally hilarious so far. Do you think he's going to know who Bet and Hev are? Bet and Hev are confused by 'The Situation's name.
'She's a bit weird that one.' 'Which one?' There's only one person there, FFS!
The Situation: 'what do you want me to do about it?' Is he going to knock her out?
This task is so laboured, it's making me cringe. Make it stop. I just want them to naturally get to know each other.
I always wondered what happened to Julian Clary. Now I know. My boyfriend is cackling at the 'fisting Norman Lamont.' and going 'has he still got Fanny the Wonderdog?' Showing his age there, I have no idea what he's talking about. I reckon Julian Clary could win it.
Brian Dowling does NOT know how to deal with this! 'Well, Davina...' Brilliant. He'll see through that task in an instant. Is he going to try and fuck The Situation?
Julian: 'This is a mystery... what's your function?' I've laughed more in two seconds than the whole previous series. I think The Situation might be wondering what sort of Situation he's got himself into: a very camp one. Ah, he'll be pleased to see some thick blonde arrive.
Very pretty: but will she be interesting? She looks good in that dress. Already slagging off women; great job. I didn't even know about your sex texting until you mentioned it. Who did she sex text? I'm going to have to google it. LOL it's Vernon Kay! Ergh, ergh! I bet he just switched off the TV. Or his melty-faced wife did. She seems alright. I liked Natasha Giggs last year anyway. The upside of sexting Vernon Kay? At least it wasn't Jason Manford.
I don't like the way they're refusing to call him 'The Situation'. Address him properly!
Hev is denying she is Hev. You are Hev, dead or otherwise. End of.
The Situation: 'I don't do full on sex scenes' followed by proper crab eyes.
I don't mind the housemates so far except for the first two, and at least they're both quite famous.
Harvey. Cute but a knob. I used to fancy him but he seems a but too cocky. He's obviously going to team up with The Situation. My boyfriend just said, 'At least with So Solid Crew they've still got about another 50 members to get through, so CBB's future is confirmed indefinitely.'
At last, someone knows who The Situation is! Harvey's dressed like Chris Eubank, sans monacle.
Julian Clary is going to win this motherfucker by a mile. A MILE.
Samantha Brick, FFS, this is a barrel scrape. If she's a celebrity, so am I, basically! Let's see if she really is like she wrote in that article, or if the Daily Mail stitched her up.
I just went 'the tweenies aren't going to know who she is' and my boyfriend went 'do you mean the twinks?' I'm not convinced either of us have quite got this right. She's like the Sally Bercow of this year. But who will be her Paddy?
'Bit booey, was it?' Booey isn't a word. Boo woo, however, is now in the dictionary. She only wrote a silly article, she's not a child molester.
Julian correcting people's pronunciation; win.
Prince Lorenzo, an Italian price! Speaks for the voiceless animals of the United States. Cool. Not famous, but he seems like he'll be a good character, better than say, Bobby Sable.
He's fitter than our princes. His mum is Princess Amanda? That's not a very posh name. He's got lovely manners.
I reckon Harvey is onto Hev's fob story. Zzzzzz.
I watched that Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys show. She was quite odious. I like her accent, though. If appearing in one 'documentary' makes you a celebrity, why not send in the woman who got her face ripped off by a chimp, or someone with progeria?
Three of these women are notorious, not celebrities. That's sexist.
Ashley the Olympian. Praised by God. Zzzzzz. Can't we forget about that smorgasbord of shite now, and concentrate on this one? Let's not muddle the two. The only Olympian I like is that Gene song.
Coleen Nolan: fucking hell. If we do have to have a Loose Woman, can't we have Carol McGiffin instead? Is this boring old bag going to win it, too? Where's a Hollywood movie star for her to terrorise? Someone's going to tell The Situation she's the UK equivalent of Sharon Osborne, no doubt.
Jasmine Leonard looks anorexic. Nice 'all that jazz' tattoo. That should be on 'ugliest tattoos' on I can haz cheeseburger. Another notorious one; I remember watching a show with her in and she was an absolute bitch; she's ugly through and through. Well done, you fucked Simon Cowell, join the queue. Did you get a mansion out of it? She looks really different to how she looks in the show I saw her in, her face is totally different. Horrid person.
No wonder women are encouraged to hate other women with this tawdry bunch in there; where's the female brainboxes, rather than just ones involved in 'scandal'?
Whoop: Steve Owen! He was so baddass in Eastenders. Martin Kemp is too good for this. Ashtray times! He's my new winner. I think he's going to win over Julian Clary.
Not a bad cast: a random cast, but not a bad cast. I think it's going to be interesting.
Hev and Bet have killed this task stone dead. I've never seen two people dance around a task so much. When they actually got into it, the acting was actually quite good. Violence! Chuck Bet out! LOL. Julian Clary grinning was ace. He knows! OK, I'm up for this series. I think Martin Kemp and Julian Clary will make it worth watching alone. Let's do this.
And here I am again. And here are some people dancing who aren't going into the house. I normally prefer the civilian version, but the last series (ie. two days ago) was so vile, I'm looking forward to some light relief.
First in is Bet Lynch. Argh. She's so annoying. She put me off leopard print for years. Well, her and Kat Slater. I've heard she's a right cow in real life. Ooh, she's a smoker. A new outsider is born.
Fuck me, check out that coat. Technicolour dream vom. I think she's going to be a cross between Denise Welch, Tina Malone and Natalie Cassidy. Not a good thing.
Hold on, why did Bet go through that door? Can't she do stairs? They've still got Benedict's chair in there, I see. I've gone from hating that coat to wanting it in about five seconds.
Second up is HEV. How can you kill someone with a picture frame? Especially Hev, it'd have to be a Van Gogh. I stopped watching Eastenders just before than happened. I don't like Hev. Hev's going to miss her goat herder husband going in the house. I think I'd rather he was going in. She's wearing a bejewelled tent.
They know each other! I hate that. Soap love, or smock wars, as my boyfriend said next. Who's going to be next, some cunt off Hollyoaks?
Oh so there's going to be some twist already - zzz. Clearly they haven't just watched the last season of Big Brother. I liked it when Bet said 'It's not a bum competition'. I don't think it's a 'bigger chair' issue, Hev. It's your arse that's too big.
This earpiece thing is good TV! Oh Christ. This is embarrassing. These two are thick as shit. They're also utterly unlikeable. Even Natalie Cassidy could follow basic instructions.
'You definitely probably know who I am' sats third housemate, The Situation. I only know about Jersey Shore from Beavis and Butthead. 'Is that Snooki? U-huh-huh-huh.' I can't watch that sort of TV, it's too lowbrow even for me. My best friend fancies The Situation, I have it on tape. What do people call him for short? Sit? What is the 'smush' room?
'I'm going to wing/ win it.' This has been unintentionally hilarious so far. Do you think he's going to know who Bet and Hev are? Bet and Hev are confused by 'The Situation's name.
'She's a bit weird that one.' 'Which one?' There's only one person there, FFS!
The Situation: 'what do you want me to do about it?' Is he going to knock her out?
This task is so laboured, it's making me cringe. Make it stop. I just want them to naturally get to know each other.
I always wondered what happened to Julian Clary. Now I know. My boyfriend is cackling at the 'fisting Norman Lamont.' and going 'has he still got Fanny the Wonderdog?' Showing his age there, I have no idea what he's talking about. I reckon Julian Clary could win it.
Brian Dowling does NOT know how to deal with this! 'Well, Davina...' Brilliant. He'll see through that task in an instant. Is he going to try and fuck The Situation?
Julian: 'This is a mystery... what's your function?' I've laughed more in two seconds than the whole previous series. I think The Situation might be wondering what sort of Situation he's got himself into: a very camp one. Ah, he'll be pleased to see some thick blonde arrive.
Very pretty: but will she be interesting? She looks good in that dress. Already slagging off women; great job. I didn't even know about your sex texting until you mentioned it. Who did she sex text? I'm going to have to google it. LOL it's Vernon Kay! Ergh, ergh! I bet he just switched off the TV. Or his melty-faced wife did. She seems alright. I liked Natasha Giggs last year anyway. The upside of sexting Vernon Kay? At least it wasn't Jason Manford.
I don't like the way they're refusing to call him 'The Situation'. Address him properly!
Hev is denying she is Hev. You are Hev, dead or otherwise. End of.
The Situation: 'I don't do full on sex scenes' followed by proper crab eyes.
I don't mind the housemates so far except for the first two, and at least they're both quite famous.
Harvey. Cute but a knob. I used to fancy him but he seems a but too cocky. He's obviously going to team up with The Situation. My boyfriend just said, 'At least with So Solid Crew they've still got about another 50 members to get through, so CBB's future is confirmed indefinitely.'
At last, someone knows who The Situation is! Harvey's dressed like Chris Eubank, sans monacle.
Julian Clary is going to win this motherfucker by a mile. A MILE.
Samantha Brick, FFS, this is a barrel scrape. If she's a celebrity, so am I, basically! Let's see if she really is like she wrote in that article, or if the Daily Mail stitched her up.
I just went 'the tweenies aren't going to know who she is' and my boyfriend went 'do you mean the twinks?' I'm not convinced either of us have quite got this right. She's like the Sally Bercow of this year. But who will be her Paddy?
'Bit booey, was it?' Booey isn't a word. Boo woo, however, is now in the dictionary. She only wrote a silly article, she's not a child molester.
Julian correcting people's pronunciation; win.
Prince Lorenzo, an Italian price! Speaks for the voiceless animals of the United States. Cool. Not famous, but he seems like he'll be a good character, better than say, Bobby Sable.
He's fitter than our princes. His mum is Princess Amanda? That's not a very posh name. He's got lovely manners.
I reckon Harvey is onto Hev's fob story. Zzzzzz.
I watched that Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys show. She was quite odious. I like her accent, though. If appearing in one 'documentary' makes you a celebrity, why not send in the woman who got her face ripped off by a chimp, or someone with progeria?
Three of these women are notorious, not celebrities. That's sexist.
Ashley the Olympian. Praised by God. Zzzzzz. Can't we forget about that smorgasbord of shite now, and concentrate on this one? Let's not muddle the two. The only Olympian I like is that Gene song.
Coleen Nolan: fucking hell. If we do have to have a Loose Woman, can't we have Carol McGiffin instead? Is this boring old bag going to win it, too? Where's a Hollywood movie star for her to terrorise? Someone's going to tell The Situation she's the UK equivalent of Sharon Osborne, no doubt.
Jasmine Leonard looks anorexic. Nice 'all that jazz' tattoo. That should be on 'ugliest tattoos' on I can haz cheeseburger. Another notorious one; I remember watching a show with her in and she was an absolute bitch; she's ugly through and through. Well done, you fucked Simon Cowell, join the queue. Did you get a mansion out of it? She looks really different to how she looks in the show I saw her in, her face is totally different. Horrid person.
No wonder women are encouraged to hate other women with this tawdry bunch in there; where's the female brainboxes, rather than just ones involved in 'scandal'?
Whoop: Steve Owen! He was so baddass in Eastenders. Martin Kemp is too good for this. Ashtray times! He's my new winner. I think he's going to win over Julian Clary.
Not a bad cast: a random cast, but not a bad cast. I think it's going to be interesting.
Hev and Bet have killed this task stone dead. I've never seen two people dance around a task so much. When they actually got into it, the acting was actually quite good. Violence! Chuck Bet out! LOL. Julian Clary grinning was ace. He knows! OK, I'm up for this series. I think Martin Kemp and Julian Clary will make it worth watching alone. Let's do this.
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