Friday, 17 August 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Live nominations

So I watched about 20 minutes of Jersey Shore earlier for 'research purposes'. It's all shot through a weird lens and the men are all neon brown and bouffanted. Someone punched The Situation in the face. Hopefully we can recreate that moment tonight. Someone else said 'the girls can't be bringing men back to the house. They're girls.' I don't think I'll be watching any more of that.
Gliss shampoo? You get that in the pound shop and it's not even much cop, it's not even as good as Timotei. I don't think Julie is so much brave as broke.
Prince Lorenzo's pet food shop. Do the Italians have a Royal family? Coleen on Harvey: 'he knows everything.' Er...
Danica's got a nice personality when you've got 5 million dollars in the bank. If you're a pauper, she'll spit on you. Shoes or no shoes? That's what it all amounts to with her.
LOL to Julie's family taking a ten quid trip to Australia and never being seen again. Mind you, ten quid, that's a good offer. I'd be tempted to go cuddle a koala for that money. I can't believe I actually like Julie Goodyear. I always thought she was a real diva, but she's actually quite motherly and gives good advice.
Jasmine is keeping it cute and keeping it mute on the Simon Cowell situation. He's obviously paid her off. Is that a ring she's wearing? *insert Julian Clary joke here'. Jasmine: 'the truth will come out out in the end.' Yes, out of the closet.
Danica's got The Situation under the thumb already. 
Julie on Russell Brand: 'I think he needs a bath.' She's got more one liners than Julian. This Russell Brand story is AMAZING. White soiled boxers. Dirty peacock! I bet you a million quid Jasmine fucked him. Rhian's been with him, too. LOL. I guess those old Big Mouth ties are well and truly cut. Poor old Russ. Quite funny, though.
Why does Heather/Cheryl have her hair like that?! She's a fashion apocalypse. Julie needs to sort her out.
Julian: 'I'm sure Big Brother will provide lubricant.' They will, but it will be Morrisons value lubricant.
This task should set the cat amongst the (dirty) pigeons. The housemate's secrets.
Is Harvey's: 'I held a knife to my girlfriend's throat.'?
I don't think Jasmine is quite pulling off those sunglasses.
'Out of context' is the strap line for this year's Big Brother's. LOL to The Situation saying 'I have made a sex tape but I don't remember telling anybody.'
Cheryl is getting well pissed off being passed from 'using her body to make money' to 'making a sex tape.' Now we're imagining Coleen making a sex tape with Shane Ritchie. Eww.
Out of context; I think Samantha Brick is too ugly for TV. Out of context! Can I just say anything and say 'out of context' afterwards? You're all cunts! Out of context!
Martin and Julie are both funny. Lots of laughs in the house at the moment.
The Situation has got some SERIOUS double standards going on. He makes money from sex and his body, too! He just makes a lot more than her. But he's ugly. So he's lucky.
I have an Amazon wish list of things I want online. But I just buy myself things off it when I eventually scrape the money together. I don't even like wedding lists. You shouldn't ask anyone for gifts, ever.
Look at them all turning on Danica! Rhian is a topless model who 'sexted' Vernon, what's the difference? Those men know what they're buying.
Let's get Danica's list up and buy her the cheapest thing off it like when you go to a wedding. One spoon for you. Oh no, give it to Jasmine for her massive shitstir.
Danica has NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG! Fucking hell man, talk about stab a girl in the back. If men are stupid enough to buy her things, let them fucking buy the stupid shoes. Julian: the voice of reason, 'he's hardly the Virgin Mary himself.'
Coleen's sitting in the judgement - sorry, smoking - corner. They should put Amanda Platell or Jan Moir in that house, that would be amazing.
Jasmine: 'so there was rinsing guys.' LOL. Rinsing IS a word, what about rinsing your hair out, dumbass?
The Situation seems like a pussycat. He's still got a hard of for Danica. STOP STIRRING, Jasmine. I know exactly what that girl is made off. 9 carat gold evil. What's it got to do with you, keep your plastic snout out. She's like the Lydia of the house, but a lot less likeable.
Julie and Julian, the great dames in the boudoir. 'Fifty quid an episode, it was like we'd won the fucking lottery.' Wicked.
Jasmine, that tension between you and Danica has been up. 'Her shit aint gonna wash with you'? What has anything to do with her life got to do with you? Piss off. Everyone's gotta earn a few quid haven't they? Don't tell me you slept with Simon Cowell because you particularly like grey jumpers, you fucking hypocrite. He obvious paid you off, so STFU.
Ooh, live nominations! Well it's obvious they're all going to go after Danica. It's all going to be 'I can't do it, I can't do it.' Is it face to face, or just live from the DR?
Oh at least someone's sorted Cheryl's hair out. Rhian looks like a rouged duck.
Martin Kemp is so smoooooooooooooooooth. My boyfriend thinks he's a master game player. I'm not so sure. I think he's just a dude.
Samantha Brick would be an easy nomination, I think. You can blame it on external factors.
Did they just say they have one nomination? Just nominate the person to the left of you. Are you idiots? Work it out! They've done it in series gone by (remember when Aaron threw it, LOL).
Why is it only one nomination? I've never seen one nomination before.
Those envelopes look a bit cheap and nasty. Did they go to those cheap five star stationers you always have at work?
Ooh I wonder who Jasmine has nominated? Surprise surprise! Moral values! What a cow. How dare you push your 'morals' on someone else. You have no fucking morals! I remember you on that show. You were cruel. Proper, proper cruel.
Interesting that Julie nominated Coleen. Screwface. Harvey's nominating Danica. Jasmine's obviously been in his ear.
Julian is nominating The Situation for disrespecting women. 'So there we have it.'
Coleen nominated Rhian: perhaps she's a fan of Family Fortunes.
YES! Prince Lorenzo nominated Jasmine. That son thing was total BS. He's seen through her shit.
WTF Rhian is nominating Martin! Talk about a throwaway vote. He's giving her the steely blue eyes. Hide the ashtrays!
Ashley is nominating Lorenzo. Ashley is either very dull or he's getting a bad edit. The vote has been very split so far.
Cheryl is nominating Rhian. Family Fortunes again, presumably.
Martin nommed Jasmie because she needs to go see her boy. They shouldn't be allowed to nominate for that reason.
Samantha, didn't you judge Rhian beforehand by writing about her in an article, hamster face?
Pow, Damica hit back at Jasmine. Is it them two up?
The Situation nommed Coleen. LOL to Coleen going 'I don't miss my family.' The kid vote is a cop out.
Jasmine looks really pissed off. Well if you go in there and act like Lady Muck moralising and putting other women down, that's what you get. I know I slag people off in my blog, but I hold zero moral high ground. We're all just idiots on a planet.
So up for nomination is Rhian and Jasmine. Jasmine will go! Ha ha. Damica must be laughing her head off. Why you got your shades on, dickhead? Sun aint out, is it? Enjoying yourself on your moral high ground are you? It can be quite a lonely place; just ask Samantha Brick.
Jasmine didn't expect it. Course you didn't because you thought you were pulling the strings, didn't you? 'I put so much time and effort in...' What? Being nice to someone?
Jasmine, don't cry and smoke at the same time, you'll put your fag out.
Coleen: 'don't nominate me for an easy reason.' So you'd prefer it if someone said you were an indomitable old bat? As if.
That was quite entertaining but when's the eviction? Bring it!

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