Monday, 13 August 2012

Big Brother 13: The Final ('I love you, man...' 'I love you, too')

Here's a crash course in how to alienate your audience. Cast a house full of people with IQs less than 50, but with the personalities that are the sensory equivalent of chomping on brillo pads. Evict the 25% of the housemates who did have a brain/ or were at least entertaining in the first four weeks. Let a man who has not said one intelligible word for four weeks suddenly speak out from under his toupee to make threats of sexual violence against an inoffensive but quite dull housemate. Don't throw him out. Give him £50K, upsetting 75% of your audience, and ruining 50% of the suspense of the final. Make the inoffensive and dull housemate a potential winner, because of this injustice, then give her a bad edit until she mentions 'servants' - just to remind us she doesn't deserve the £50K, although the man who threatened to rape her and punch her on her arse did. You still watching? Me too, unbelievably. I think Big Brother itself has become like an abusive boyfriend. And David Cameron has shut Refuge.
The fact that the crowd is going 'whoop whoop' like a mentally deficient CD-UK audience says it all, really. Aw, I'm glad Benedict turned up. Conor comes out chewing gum - gross. He's got all the manners and decorum of an angry tramp.
Luke S out first, please! PRAWN. To Madonna's or Sugababes 'push the button.', please. They don't seem to tailor the songs to the evicted housemates anymore, or I can't tell if they do. Everything just sounds like it's got the washing machine on it.
I really hope the soldiers are the last three standing. It will be an important moral victory.
You can see it's stinging Luke S to be stuck in there with those four, especially as he didn't even get the votes for it. He could be lying on a bed of £50 notes with Ashleigh right now (ugh).
'Get Deana out!' go the 'whoop whoop' crowd. Is it Conor's family? Can chimps form sentences.
I vote to evict the red cloud in the split screen. BOO YA. Luke A's out. Shoulda pushed that button. LOL at Conor waving to him, I bet that's just what he wanted to see the second he was evicted to the boo chorus. LOL they are playing 'Push the Button'! Nice one. Although I'll still never quite understand why they've been so keen to make a fool out of Luke S all series, whilst they've let Conor get away with murder.
Conor and Ashleigh both chewing gum like thick cows munching on grass. Luke S should team up with Benedict and sack those MOFOs off. LOL to the person shouting 'greedy'. Luke A got interviewed for about three seconds. What a shame. We'll always remember you for coming fifth. And being a douche. Goodbye.
YES. Sara's out next. They did it. They did it! I actually feel quite emotional. Was cute seeing them all smiling, wish I could hear what they were saying. That was the right result. Sara deserves nothing!
Whatever you think to the 'soldiers', they DID battle for that win. They battled hard. So they do deserve it.
I like Sara's high heels. Er... that's about it. 'Underneath it all, Caroline's got a good heart.' No.
Sara was not a floater, Brian, she was well and truly an insider. Hopefully she'll watch that Queen madness and quit drinking.
Shit, Deana is third. Wasn't expecting that. Mind you, I didn't vote for her cos I want Adam to win, so I'm partly responsible. I'm gonna throw Adam another vote. I think Luke A and Adam will both chuck each other a few quid. It's good seeing their reactions. Adam, you could have dressed up, FFS. Incidentally, I think Brian looks the best he's done all season.
Deana looks beautiful. Classy and cool in glitter and pink. Do you think they're going to show Conor's hate rant? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. As if.
Those prayers paid off, didn't they! How is 'soldiers' a gameplan? It's just a name for a team/ alliance.
At least Conor wasn't smiling when they mentioned 'the nasty things he said'. That's the first time I've seen him without a grin on his face. Nasty things - FFS. There's an understatement.
I liked it when Deana went on the rampage. 'Answering back' - heaven forbid, know your place, Deana. 'Evil eyes' - forgot about that, lol.
Good did overcome evil. But it is a shame she came third; I'd hate to see Luke A win it now, nice as he is. Bar the BMI comment, he's just not done enough.
Luke A and Adam are too cute. Can't Luke drop the 'A' now?
SHIT. Luke A won. I'm shocked. I'm really shocked. I really wanted it to be Adam. It was lovely and emotional, though. 'I love you man...' I love you too.' Nicest top two friendship ever.
Adam: 'I've been broke before, it don't matter.' Bless him. I'd love to have seen him take it. 'Indecent human beings': correct.
Adam: 'give the second runner up a chance!' to Lauren. Cute. Super cool.
I will give Luke A this much: when Becky confronted him and expected him to back down, and he called her out and relished reeling out a list of reasons why she was an idiot. I will give him that. But one night of common sense in two months does not a worthy winner make. Still. It could have been a lot worse, I suppose. And at least he can get his Reebok penis now (his words, not mine!) I've seen those pump up penises, they're quite good (not in person, I might add!) Also, it felt like he needed that validation a lot more than Deana and Adam did. So let's take those factors into account alongside the fact he's a bit of a dullard.
Seeing fireworks just reminds me of Beavis and Butthead watching the Katy Perry Firework video and Butthead going 'you're not a firework.' and Beavis going, 'I am! I am firework.' Butthead: 'No, you're more like the plastic bag in the first part of the song. Uh-huh-huh-huh.'
Luke A is happy that Conor took half the cash? You sure about that? I hope Luke chucks Adam a few quid, I really do. So Luke S was right: 'boys DO want to be him!'
Luke A was competitive so winning BB is huge for him. I do appreciate that.
I wish CBB started on Friday! I need a break, I really do. So what's the moral of this story? Nothing. The winner is as random as Denise Welch and Paddy Docherty so there's no accounting for taste, and this is much nicer. The soldiers made it to the final three. I just hope Deana sues Conor or something. Or at least slaps him.
My boyfriend just bet me 2 Euros (don't ask) they'll show the full Conor rant on BOTS. See you on Twitter to claim my 2 Euros in a few mins. There's more chance of Conor handing over the cash to Deana in compensation.
BB: so much to answer for. And still we watch. Love, your battered wife. See you Weds.

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