Big Brother 13: The Final ('I love you, man...' 'I love you, too')

Here's a crash course in how to alienate your audience. Cast a house full of people with IQs less than 50, but with the personalities that are the sensory equivalent of chomping on brillo pads. Evict the 25% of the housemates who did have a brain/ or were at least entertaining in the first four weeks. Let a man who has not said one intelligible word for four weeks suddenly speak out from under his toupee to make threats of sexual violence against an inoffensive but quite dull housemate. Don't throw him out. Give him £50K, upsetting 75% of your audience, and ruining 50% of the suspense of the final. Make the inoffensive and dull housemate a potential winner, because of this injustice, then give her a bad edit until she mentions 'servants' - just to remind us she doesn't deserve the £50K, although the man who threatened to rape her and punch her on her arse did. You still watching? Me too, unbelievably. I think Big Brother itself has become like an abusive boyfriend. And David Cameron has shut Refuge.
The fact that the crowd is going 'whoop whoop' like a mentally deficient CD-UK audience says it all, really. Aw, I'm glad Benedict turned up. Conor comes out chewing gum - gross. He's got all the manners and decorum of an angry tramp.
Luke S out first, please! PRAWN. To Madonna's or Sugababes 'push the button.', please. They don't seem to tailor the songs to the evicted housemates anymore, or I can't tell if they do. Everything just sounds like it's got the washing machine on it.
I really hope the soldiers are the last three standing. It will be an important moral victory.
You can see it's stinging Luke S to be stuck in there with those four, especially as he didn't even get the votes for it. He could be lying on a bed of £50 notes with Ashleigh right now (ugh).
'Get Deana out!' go the 'whoop whoop' crowd. Is it Conor's family? Can chimps form sentences.
I vote to evict the red cloud in the split screen. BOO YA. Luke A's out. Shoulda pushed that button. LOL at Conor waving to him, I bet that's just what he wanted to see the second he was evicted to the boo chorus. LOL they are playing 'Push the Button'! Nice one. Although I'll still never quite understand why they've been so keen to make a fool out of Luke S all series, whilst they've let Conor get away with murder.
Conor and Ashleigh both chewing gum like thick cows munching on grass. Luke S should team up with Benedict and sack those MOFOs off. LOL to the person shouting 'greedy'. Luke A got interviewed for about three seconds. What a shame. We'll always remember you for coming fifth. And being a douche. Goodbye.
YES. Sara's out next. They did it. They did it! I actually feel quite emotional. Was cute seeing them all smiling, wish I could hear what they were saying. That was the right result. Sara deserves nothing!
Whatever you think to the 'soldiers', they DID battle for that win. They battled hard. So they do deserve it.
I like Sara's high heels. Er... that's about it. 'Underneath it all, Caroline's got a good heart.' No.
Sara was not a floater, Brian, she was well and truly an insider. Hopefully she'll watch that Queen madness and quit drinking.
Shit, Deana is third. Wasn't expecting that. Mind you, I didn't vote for her cos I want Adam to win, so I'm partly responsible. I'm gonna throw Adam another vote. I think Luke A and Adam will both chuck each other a few quid. It's good seeing their reactions. Adam, you could have dressed up, FFS. Incidentally, I think Brian looks the best he's done all season.
Deana looks beautiful. Classy and cool in glitter and pink. Do you think they're going to show Conor's hate rant? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. As if.
Those prayers paid off, didn't they! How is 'soldiers' a gameplan? It's just a name for a team/ alliance.
At least Conor wasn't smiling when they mentioned 'the nasty things he said'. That's the first time I've seen him without a grin on his face. Nasty things - FFS. There's an understatement.
I liked it when Deana went on the rampage. 'Answering back' - heaven forbid, know your place, Deana. 'Evil eyes' - forgot about that, lol.
Good did overcome evil. But it is a shame she came third; I'd hate to see Luke A win it now, nice as he is. Bar the BMI comment, he's just not done enough.
Luke A and Adam are too cute. Can't Luke drop the 'A' now?
SHIT. Luke A won. I'm shocked. I'm really shocked. I really wanted it to be Adam. It was lovely and emotional, though. 'I love you man...' I love you too.' Nicest top two friendship ever.
Adam: 'I've been broke before, it don't matter.' Bless him. I'd love to have seen him take it. 'Indecent human beings': correct.
Adam: 'give the second runner up a chance!' to Lauren. Cute. Super cool.
I will give Luke A this much: when Becky confronted him and expected him to back down, and he called her out and relished reeling out a list of reasons why she was an idiot. I will give him that. But one night of common sense in two months does not a worthy winner make. Still. It could have been a lot worse, I suppose. And at least he can get his Reebok penis now (his words, not mine!) I've seen those pump up penises, they're quite good (not in person, I might add!) Also, it felt like he needed that validation a lot more than Deana and Adam did. So let's take those factors into account alongside the fact he's a bit of a dullard.
Seeing fireworks just reminds me of Beavis and Butthead watching the Katy Perry Firework video and Butthead going 'you're not a firework.' and Beavis going, 'I am! I am firework.' Butthead: 'No, you're more like the plastic bag in the first part of the song. Uh-huh-huh-huh.'
Luke A is happy that Conor took half the cash? You sure about that? I hope Luke chucks Adam a few quid, I really do. So Luke S was right: 'boys DO want to be him!'
Luke A was competitive so winning BB is huge for him. I do appreciate that.
I wish CBB started on Friday! I need a break, I really do. So what's the moral of this story? Nothing. The winner is as random as Denise Welch and Paddy Docherty so there's no accounting for taste, and this is much nicer. The soldiers made it to the final three. I just hope Deana sues Conor or something. Or at least slaps him.
My boyfriend just bet me 2 Euros (don't ask) they'll show the full Conor rant on BOTS. See you on Twitter to claim my 2 Euros in a few mins. There's more chance of Conor handing over the cash to Deana in compensation.
BB: so much to answer for. And still we watch. Love, your battered wife. See you Weds.

Big Brother 13: He's such a cheesy bastard

Sorry I didn't blog last night, but I've come crawling back for the penultimate one. I did a couple of quite funny tweets, too. TYPICAL.
Ooh, squirrel housemate. I'll crown him as winner over 40% of the house.
How are they going to pad out this show? Luke S's hair is too dark. He's too pale for it. Oh shut up scragbag, no one buys your Ashleigh ho-mance BS. 'What are you going to miss about Ashleigh?' His leg shook when he said 'everything'.
LOL to Deana not doing the dishes for 12 days. I bet Ashleigh didn't do many dishes in there. WOMEN SHOULD BE DOING DISHES, obviously. It's funny seeing Luke S being forced to speak to Deana.
Who is Nina Mishcov to tell people about fame? I barely recognise her and my boyfriend went 'she used to be on Through the Keyhole.' Is that the best celeb they could get in there? Did they blow the budget paying off that shaved ape?
Deana looks peed off with Nina. I like her dress today. She's looked really nice lately.
No one's looking up your skirt, Nina. You're less famous than Sandi Toksvig.
I don't think they're exactly going to have to worry about fending off crazed fans. Luke A loves the attention from the ladies, and he does like a flirt, but I don't find that creepy, it's probably because it's all just new to him.
Stop digging Luke A out about the BMI comment already! Dickheads. People said a zillion times worse and it was NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. Disgraceful double standards.
Nina has SO got an axe to grind with Deana, it's really hacking me off. Didn't BB learn from last time, the more they shit on a housemate, the more people vote for them? It's like Aaron all over again. Maybe they do it deliberately, I honestly don't know...
Is Sara wearing a comedy hat? She looks like Aunt Sally. I wish Nina Mishcov would FUCK OFF. She's really getting on my nerves. Deana looks like she wants to kick her in the face.
Good on Adam for not backing down about the Arron thing. Arron was a little prick who deserved everything he got.
Who the fuck is Nina to go in there telling them to watch their behaviour and showing them 'embarrassing' clips? Do you think they'd have shown Conor's little epilator hate rant if he'd still been in the house? WOULD THEY FUCK. Hypocrites.
Ooh.. do you think they've put Luke S and Deana to have dinner together to shitstir? Do you? Do you? Zzzzz.
Why DOES Luke S backcomb his hair like that? Imagine if a man you worked with came in with that barnet. He would be laughed out of the door.
Note BB pointing out Deana has a cook and a maid (ie. she's rich and doesn't deserve the money). SUBTLE. Well she deserves it more than that Aztec-print wearing, hitler-hairdoed, hateful, horrible CUNT CONOR who got NO ONE'S VOTE and NO ONE HAD A SAY IN THE MATTER (except Luke S, I suppose) so get your fucking priorities right, you transparent FUCKWITS. You make me sick, seriously. You let that sub-human walk out with half the cash, and you're trying to stop Deana from legitimately winning the money? You fuckers. *Danny Dyer voice* 'How can you sleep at night?'
Is Sara 4 realz? How could anyone's favourite song be Meatloaf's 'I would do anything for love (but I won't do scat)'? How do people know the words?! I would say at least it's a long song, but that's one song you don't want to go on for long. She's one of the most bizarre people on the planet, with the weirdest views, yet still, somehow, she's still uninteresting.
OMG Sara actually FANCIES Meatloaf?! That is unforgivable. When he's all SWEATY?! WTF. What about when he's got bitch tits in Fight Club? Luke S: 'What if you had to choose between the Queen and Meatloaf?' Sara: 'Oh the Queen, obviously.' Obviously?! There's nothing obvious about any of this. She talks the most nonsense ever.
Luke A, don't invoke the name of Caroline, it probably releases a curse on the house. Adam: still lolling at 'guys want to be me, girls want to be with me.' There is more mileage in that, admittedly. Cheesy bastard, hehe. Luke A and Adam's friendship proper makes me blub. You're so lucky in life when you make a friend like that. It's worth more than 50 grand, it really is.
It's weird they're having like the series round up tonight. Missing out a certain clip, though, like a rotten little heart beating under the floorboards, but we know. We know.
Oh, Benedict. It could have all been so different. I miss you. That ending was weird. It's not quite over.
It's a bit of a shame the final is on a Monday night, in my opinion. I want to get drunk and watch the final, and I haven't even got any money for a bottle of wine. Austerity times! Vote Adam: Deana's going to get loads of votes anyway. See you then!

Dont watch: Popstar to Operastar

Popstar to operastar! Just as good as American Idol, honest. HA!
Disclaimer: I'm not actually watching this for real, I just thought I'd watch the first one and take the piss. I might end up loving it, but Alan 'ratatatatatah' Titchmarsh and Myleene Klass say otherwise. Who would put those two in charge of running a show? Alone, they have zero charisma. Together, it's a chemistry car-crash. Under no circumstances leave these two in the same room again. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I have a confession to make about Alan Titchmarsh; I thought he was Tony Blackburn up until yesterday. Do they both have daytime TV shows? I don't know. Either way; they're both useless. Ah, Titchmarsh has gone for the Stephen Baldwin 'greased-back' hair look. Is this making a comeback amongst unpopular, overweight middle-aged men or mere coincidence? Myleene is wearing a bit of old curtain. She's as smug and unlikeable as ever.
Katherine 'e-head' Jenkins and someone called Orlando (not Bloom) are the shows 'mentors'. Katherine looks like a Disney princess, but I can't really take her seriously since I saw that News of the World video of her gurning her face off. She must miss it, those raver days, staring into the Klass /Titchmarsh void.
So, who are the contestants, I hear you ask (come on, get involved). Meatloaf! He would do anything for love, oh whatever (I'm still sure it was anal). Laurence Lewellyn Bowen? Hold on, he's not a popstar. He picks out cushions! Oh, hold on, he DJs on Classic FM. OH! Meatloaf and LLB are the JUDGES. This is weird.
OK, now HERE are the contestants. First, Jimmy Osmond. He's not the good one, is he? He's like the Stephen Baldwin of the Osmonds. He looks happy-clappy, like he's going to try and sell you some life insurance. I don't really want to look at him, to be honest.
How am I meant to tell if the singing is good? I don't really understand opera singing, I'm under 50. I'll just go back to castigating personalities.
Meatloaf's first comment was 'that dog was hunting.' Has he gone all Randy Jackson? Talking of American Idol, did you see it? POSH! You scrawny old scrote. She looked like she was trying to arrange her facial expressions to look as unself-conscious as possible; so much so she forgot to give any advice whatsoever. Plus, she failed. She looked awkward and desperate. Get off my screen, you useless old twig. I miss Paula!
I digress. Kym Marsh is next. Does she even still speak to Myleene? Myleene, step away from the kitchen knives. I like Kim Marsh. She seems normal in personality and has a woman's figure. Her voice sounded pretty good to me. This opera singing lark is a piece of piss. Hmm, the old Hearsay crew did seem a bit frosty, like Myleene was trying a bit too hard and Kym couldn't really be fucked with her. But I could be talking out of my arse.
Myleene: 'And for the next contestant, from Blur, who else, Alex James!' Er... Damon Albarn? He was the singer, after all! Alex James was just a smug cunt on bass, as opposed to the smug super-cunt of a lead singer. So he's definitely at a disadvantage, considering he can't sing in the first place. This will be a good chance for all those Orange Unsigned acts to get their revenge on him (he was a judge on it!)
It loathes me to say it but he's not looking too bad for his age, despite all the cheese. He's still working the floppy fringe. He's definitely thinner than when I saw him at the filming of the unsigned show. Maybe he's been on the LowLow.
Alex: 'I'm not giving up the day job'. What is your day job exactly? You're not in Blur anymore. You're just a rich twat making cheese. Just admit it. Actually, he does admit it, I saw him on Cribs once and he was quite proud of it, he was helping run the annual cheese awards, or something. It was bizarre.
OMG! That performance was the funniest thing ever! Alex is the Jedward/Chico of this show! He's got this maniac look in his eye and he's playing air guitar! WTF?! How to blow what very, very little cool you had in one massive swoop! The audience were all laughing at him! Lololololololololololol x a billion! If this is on youtube, look it up immediately, I implore you.
Myleene: 'He lives in a house in the country!' Alex, you have officially sold out. Ta-ra!
Next up is the woman from Shakespeare's Sister! I used to have their album on tape and I used to cane it, but if you'd asked me yesterday, I would not have been able to name that big hit they had (Stay). It's weird how some things just fall out of your brain: I can remember every word of Ugly Kid Joe's 'I Hate Everything About You' (!) Shakespeare's sister has got a turkey neck. I like her hair, though.
Alan Tichmarsh just spoke! He's not said a word for about 45 minutes. Is he getting paid for this shit?
Next is Danny Jones from McFly. I think he's the one who shagged Lindsay Lohan. I should know, he goes on about it often enough in all the low rent magazines I read. He looked like he was going to laugh the whole way through his song. Shame he wasn't as funny as Alex James. Christ this dude is ugly. Can he really be in a boy band? Oh there's the other one in the audience. I take it all back, Danny looks like R.Pattz in comparison.
Talking of bands with no charisma, next is someone from The Saturdays. I've never heard one of their songs. Six top ten singles? And I've not heard one! I am getting old. WOW, she's got a lot of make-up on.
OMG, Darius! Now we're talking. I love Darius. He looks old! That makes me feel old. He looks like he should be sitting by a bar smoking cigarettes and drinking shots in some black and white film. He was quite good actually! Go, Darius! Nessan Dorma it up. Don't crawl up the judges arse, Darius. Meatloaf, sit down, you're making a show of yourself. £50 says Kathryn's not sitting next to him next week. Wow, that Orlando guy has got some amazing eyebrows.
Shit this show is endless. I wonder if opera fans are watching this bemoaning the state of the songs they've chosen. 'Oh, not this one again...'
Last up is Bernie Nolan, who's not the one off Loose Women. Zzzzz. Another turkey neck, but be fair, she's probably about 80.
So in the bottom two were Alex and The Saturdays twonk. And they ditched Alex! Folly. A million unsigned bands cheer. Alex looked quite gutted. He was sent home with a bunch of flowers. You can't make cheese out of that.
Christ, I feel like I've just through about five hours of that. It was epic, and not in a good way. So will I be watching again? Absolutely not! It was total bullshit, and Alex is out, so what's the point? You don't kick out your Jedward. You keep your Jedward until week 6! I'm off for some cheese. Not really, I don't eat cheese! Blap-blergh-bleh, as Morrissey would say. When's Big Brother on?