Thursday, 28 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: Clockblocked

I still can't quite wrap my head around this four way eviction. Is it madness or genius? It's definitely got me and my two friends who watch Big Brother (well, one friend and my boyfriend) talking. I can't even look on Twitter to see what other people think, but I can imagine people are going INSANE. It makes no live feed and the odd bit of outside contact look like small fry in comparison. Yet I am now in so deep with Big Brother than nothing shocks me. But now I feel unsure of myself. Should I bother caring about this person or that? They could be gone next week, in a puff of Showbiz.
Which brings us onto Aaron. I was one of the few (it seems) who likes Aaron and when I saw on the app a housemate had been evicted, my first thought was Kieran (no idea why, maybe I'm a closet racist? My girls at Sistah Speak, I'm really not, don't worry.) But no, it was my boy from Northampton. And believe me, it's not the first time someone from Northampton has been thrown out of a house. It's not even the millionth. I've seen it happen. So what did Aaron do? Let's have a guess that Joel is involved, and take it from there.
As time ticks by, get ready for sexual misconduct. Ok, so it didn't look that bad from that. Let's be honest, Aaron's no Conor. It looked like they were just messing about.
This hanging around task etc doesn't seem that interesting when you know half the house is on the outs for no apparent reason than Ted's whim.
How many times do we have to see Pranny saying he's 'just friends' with Sarah? Please God, evict him. I want Sarah and Kieran safe and twins, Chloe, Danny and Harriet to go.
When Marcus says the housemates have no idea what's going on, don't worry, neither do we, and I bet even Marcus reads his script and goes, WTF.
Not being able to read Twitter at the moment (I can't watch the BBCAN final until tomorrow) is KILLING me! I want to gossip about the twist and Aaron! I want to argue with people! I snuck a look at one of the evil twins Twitter today and they said a couple of days ago 'ding dong, the witch is dead.' Weren't there two witches in that film? *insert cackle here*. To be honest though, I don't care about this twist as I'm not invested in any of the six who are now up. If I was, or I'd put a bet on, I'd be FUMING. But then how many times have we wanted to kick four housemates out at once? Still, the way they did it is just weird and fishy. Shouldn't it at least be the nominated housemates for fairness? But then, but then. It's a deadwood clear out. But it's so EARLY! Argh, I just don't know. Perhaps we HAVEN'T seen the best of some of these yet? I feel like I hardly know them.
Also, on the blurb for tomorrow night's show it says four newbies including 'one familiar face' is going back in. It's gotta be Showbiz, innit?
I don't know what to say about this task with Jade and Amy in it. I can't be invested in it when a quarter of the house are leaving tomorrow. It's like on BBUS when they rewind a week. How can you care about that week? It makes people not give a shit. You play with people's emotions and just end up leaving them cold.
It IS good to be able to get rid of people who are sitting back doing fuck all, but then shouldn't it be a vote to SAVE not evict?
That was cruel putting that quote from Danny about Sarah in that task. Plus, who cares if they're both gone tomorrow? Who cares about any of this? I'm so puzzled. I don't know how to feel.
Jade and the twins making up is sickening. Jade without her nemisises (nemisi?) is no good. Then we're just back to meditation and her general big headed shit.
I can't cope with Danny. I'm gonna have to pay to evict him, which is annoying.
Nick has got a tennis court, a swimming pool and horse-riding stables. And they say he's not going to make a success of his life. He's like Jordan or one of her new husbands! He's made it!
Jack whining that he knows about the nominations. Lucky he doesn't know four are going, or he'd be twice as red in the face. Four times as red. Don't worry, Jack, there won't be that many people around to have a go at you on Friday. All your mates will be evicted.
So Aaron's demise starts with spin the bottle. Figures. It's normally a bottling in Northampton. Why am I always on the side of the sex pest? It's like Jeremy all over again.
Joel: 'I'd rather kiss Aaron on the bottom.' The others shouldn't hassle Joel to kiss Aaron, but the fact it's such a big deal to him says it all. Joel is very conflicted person and I don't think kicking Aaron out is going to help because he's going to blame himself (and no, it's not his fault if he did get sexually assaulted.)
Nick is journeying already. Dexter mistimed his journey and the rest was history. 'I'm a good person.' Dangerous words! Jack is so stupid, going 'trust me, you'll be fine.' You're blowing it.
Why is Joel in the bath with Aaron now, if he's too scared to kiss him? Joel checking with Aaron if he's got a boyfriend. Aaron is all over the place with Joel. 'Do you ever get lonely?' and how quicky Joel said no. This was just a car crash waiting to happen; a closet case and someone as out as Aaron. Aaron: 'Have you got any gay friends?' How does Joel not know any gay people? How can he come out if he doesn't know anyone like him?' Aaron: 'I've thrown you right in the deep end.' I'll say. 'That wine went straight to my head tonight.'
Ok so Joel is in bed and Aaron wiggles his naked arse at him. Big Brother should have called him in at that point! Nick went 'show him' and 'Joel loves it'! Argh! I do feel a bit sorry for Joel in his rotten dressing gown. Harriet was getting involved, too, pushing Aaron on Joel.
'Flashing his ding dong'! Dear God. The thing is, Joel does love it a bit. And not a bit. Joel did say 'Please stop it' and 'please return to your bed right now'.They are fairly clear instructions.
It's definitely sexual harassment, that's for sure. The others are all encouraging it, though. Joel has been a reasonably good sport so far. Couldn't Big Brother have gone 'stop that' like they do on BBCAN? They let it happen cos they wanted it to happen.
Joel was laughing but it was so awkward. I can see that he felt very awkward. Aaron must know he's a closet case. But Aaron can't handle his drink, that's the problem. plus Aaron thinks people are as open minded as him, and they're not. They're quite the opposite.
Big Brother left it WAY too long to call him. Aaron wasn't trying to do something mean. Big Brother let Aaron get in Joel's bed when they could see Joel was uncomfortable. They let Aaron basically mount Joel naked. 'You need to control your behaviour' is true, but also, Big Brother needed to control Aaron's behaviour, because Aaron was too drunk to control it.
I think Joel felt embarrassed. I think Joel felt a bit like what it's like to feel like a girl on the end of unwanted advances. And I don't think he liked it.
Aaron knew as soon as he was called in, he was in the shit. You can tell he was drunk as hell. I don't think Aaron 'offended' anyone, or the public, I think he humiliated Joel and certainly crossed the line, but I think he could have stayed.
Ah, Joel WAS the death knell in the end. I knew how Joel responded would sway it. He said, 'I felt really uncomfortable and I would have ended up punching him.' When he said his personal space was invaded that was true, but when he said 'I'm very comfortable with my sexuality as a straight guy' I'm sorry but that's a lie. Truth is, Aaron hit a nerve. Joel: 'I did nothing to welcome or entice that approach.' Except for have a bubble bath with Aaron just before. And I hate saying that, because I know he has them with Jack and Nick, but there's a different vibe with Aaron, that conversation they were having was different, it just was. And Joel saying his personal space was violated were the nails in Aaron's coffin. I think Joel did get a shock. I think Joel got a taste of how it is to be a woman, and I hope he takes that to Parliament with him. I believe him when he says he didn't know how to react. Sometimes you don't in situations like that. And maybe Joel does want Aaron gone, and this is a good excuse to get rid of him. And you can't really blame him. I know I'm contradicting myself every other sentence because I have really mixed feelings about this.
It WAS Joel who got Aaron kicked out. If Joel had played it down more, Aaron would have stayed. If Big Brother had stepped in sooner, Aaron would have stayed. None of the housemates thought Aaron was being inappropriate. But he WAS and to be honest, it only matters what Joel thinks, as the victim, I guess. Plus Aaron must know what the fucking rules are! Argh, how could be be so stupid? Why did no one in the house think to tell him to stop it?
Argh, it's a nightmare. I know people will call me a hypocrite. But it's NOT as clear cut as to say, well what if it was a woman? If a naked man was grabbing a woman, others would step in, but because it was two guys, everyone was laughing, so then the goalposts are moved somewhat, so you can't compare the two. You just can't. There were so many other factors at play here.
Was really sad when Aaron got kicked out. He knew he was getting 'Daley'ed.
BB should have 'intervened' EARLIER. As they should have with Hazel and Daley.
Aaron was genuinely sorry. 'I'm sorry, mum.' Aw. He didn't want his journey to end like this. I didn't either.
See you in shoe town, Aaron.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: I'm that close to nailing someone

I couldn't resist blogging tonight after seeing the 'twist' ie. the blatant fix to save Jade. What's that, everyone who WASN'T nominated is NOW nominated? Makes perfect sense, right? If you're a crazy person. But do you know what, the producers, AKA Ted, is right because the idiot general public (t.m.) don't know their arse from the elbow and would have evicted Queen Jade, because they don't understand entertainment when it smacks them in the face (see Adjoa for more details).
Don't get me wrong, I don't like Jade. But I like her a damn sight more than the Busto twins, possibly the vilest twins in Big Brother history, beating off stiff competition from Jack and Joe, the Sugar Sisters and those twin twist fuckers from BBUS. And don't even start dissing Jedward, I love Jedward (and Samanda, naturally).
I may not LIKE Jade, but Jade is entertaining me from the tips of her toes to the stream of crap that comes out of her mouth. I like the way she sits in the Diary Room chair. I like the way she tried to get off with Christian when Nick deserted her without so much as a sideways glance. I liked the way she said her evictions were 'a walk in the park' when Eileen tried to side swipe her. And as for people going 'poor innocent Nick', you need to get a fucking GRIP! If you believe him when he goes 'I'm young, I'm impressionable, blah blah' when he goes in there with a VT saying he's a pure arsehole, you must be thicker than Danny. He is a FULL TIME gamer. He is playing the house a good 'un, and he's playing the audience a good 'un, and he's playing THE GAME a good un. Don't misunderstand me, I respect him for it! But lets not pretend he's an innocent little boy. He knew what he was getting into with Jade, and he enjoyed those cuddles, and he knew the price that came with them. Well, you gotta pay the bill, Nick! And it won't be YOU getting booed and heckled and burnt at the stake when you leave. It will be Jade. So excuse me if I save my tears, no one, actually.
I also hate Eileen now, and Joel is a dodgy one, although intriguing. And don't quote me on this, but I've warmed to Cristian this week. He's kept his head down and his mouth shut, unlike Danny, who's so stupid, he makes Harriet look like Stephen Hawking.
Anyway, on with the show. And learn your lesson; if you can't be trusted to vote the right way, you won't be allowed to vote. Not fair? Big Brother has never been fair. Did you not see Conor walk out that door with that 50K, for fuck's sake? And you're moaning about this! Get your priorities right. This is fun and games compared to that shit. That's the timebomb for you. That's showbiz, baby.
Ooh a futuristic task! I love the future. Big Bot? That's not very cool. Big Botty!
Fuck me, it's 2050 and they're still wheeling out the electric shock suits. Is this what the future looks like? Bring on Robocop. And Iris sounds like she's running out of batteries.
I don't mind this task. It's like shitstir, with a twist. 'The majority', it's like a BBUS task. I don't think Aaron goes on dates as such. But nice of them to all call him a slut. And they said Joel would take the prize money, ha.
How is Nick going to be the least successful when he's got a swimming pool? He's already won life.
Why is Nick so anti Aaron in this task? Boo.
Harriet failed the task by running her yap. Jack: 'I've just worn this and looked like a fucking twat for nothing.' Yeah, cos you normally look so damn hot.
Jack: 'I hope they have butter in the future.' Don't worry about it, because you'll be dead by then.
I love Aaron! Why all the hate for him? I think he has a very sweet side. He looks like a little boy in the Diary Room chair.
Harriet: 'Everyone talks behind everyone's back' she says, talking behind Aaron's back.
That is bollocks that Aaron 'relayed' that conversation to Eileen. He was just trying to be nice to her.
Nick spitting out the 'journey' card like a young Dexter Koh. Jade has brought out her supersonic bitch and there's no going back.
Joel: 'Does it cost a lot for a prostitute?' Keiran: '£60 an hour plus extras.' He seems to know a lot about it. Why does that not surprise me? £60 sounds pretty cheap, he's obviously going to a high quality place. But are we talking future prices or current? Joel: 'Could you get her to clean your house afterwards?' Don't you mean 'him'? Joel is full of big questions. It's almost like he's trying to work out who his is: because he is.
So in the future food will be blue? Why exactly? Honestly, the eating tasks are so BORING! I can't bear it. Shitstir task, eating task, shitstir task, eating task. Do they ever spend a fucking penny on these tasks?
Eileen is failing her lollipop task badly. Also, watching her lick/suck things is grotesque. Some of these people are getting a much rawer deal than others, Aaron's task was much worse. Hasn't he suffered enough, growing up in Northampton? Also, Nick is getting on my nerves, giving Aaron side-eye. Leave my Aaron alone.
I don't know why they always show Chloe in the DR. She's so fucking boring.
Jade is now talking to herself; Nick will be well jel, that's his power move, and she's stealing it.
Jade boowooing in the 'sky room'; Jade: 'I'm that close to nailing someone.' Don't make promises you can't keep. We knew you were never gonna nail anyone in the house. Keiran's fucking counselling service needs to go out of business, fast.
Sarah and Danny: worst 'showmance' in history?
Jade is now wailing in the DR. Geni-whine-ly, indeed! I wish Jade would blow up on Joel because he's a little weasel.
Nick: 'Jade's my best friend.' Joel: 'I hate Jade.' Don't worry, Nick hated her yesterday, too. I hate Joel's Hitler hair, his dressing gown, his rude questions, his value judgements about sex and women and sexuality.
Ha, Aaron picks up where I left off: 'Why do you know all the words to Miss Congeniality?' to Joel. Enough said. 'There's nothing wrong with it, just embrace it.' Joel didn't protest too much, did he? If he was actually straight, he probably would.
So here's the twist. The non-nominated housemates face eviction. Why? No one knows. Oh, to save Jade. But now they want to save Jack. Jack should save his immunities until there's less people there! He knows he's popular (for now).
So, who's up? Twins, Chloe, Danny, Harriet, Keiran and Sarah. Hold on, did Marcus just say FOUR housemates would face eviction? What the fuck?! I certainly fancy losing four of these rather than four of the original nominees, but seriously, four? Was that a mistake?
If not, then JackJoe was right to save his immunities! Four! OK, my four to evict would be twins, Danny, Harriet and Chloe. Keep Keiran and Sarah. But who cares what I think? Whatever way you look at it, there's no way the Skylar twins can survive a four-way eviction. They're GONERS. Along with the integrity of the game, lol.

Friday, 22 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: Pussy off

Evening all! It's been a long week on Borehamwood Towers and I haven't had the energy to blog. Yet here I am, on a Friday night. I'm so cool.
Emma Willis looks cute. Has she got a new stylist? I liked Noel Gallagher on stylists: 'for people who've forgotten how to dress themselves.' It's a fair comment.
Not sure yellow is Sarah's colour, and Adjoa's hair seems to be channelling Diana Ross (racist). At least we can trust Eileen to look normal, lol.
Is Aaron sexually harrassing Joel? I think he is. But I think Joel likes it. If not, Joel needs to make it clear he doesn't. Otherwise, I'm calling him 'open'. A virgin? Sounds like a closet case to me. I don't get all these virgins. What do they spend their teen years doing?! I like Aaron, he's a great housemate. Top notch entertainment. Northampton FTW! Shame he's going to get evicted in about 10 seconds flat the first chance he goes up.
Sarah has had a flannel wash. I wonder where she put the flannel after? I haven't used a flannel in years. They're like tea towels for the face. Unhygienic. I don't want Sarah to go! But I don't want the others to go either! I hate you JackJoe, you annoying twerp.
Nick: 'Do you hate fakeness?' to Jade about Eileen. Personally, I love it.
Not another shitstir task, oh I mean, a debate. Jade has been sent from Hell to get on my last nerve. Nick: 'I hate public speaking.' What's going on Big Brother if not public speaking?
Jade: 'There's only room for one spiritual person in this house.' Doesn't sound too spiritual to me! Spiritual one upping. Mind you, that sounds like most religions actually.
LOL to Danny vs Harriet. Thick on thick crime. 'Fuck off', 'No you fuck off' ha. Mature! I hope one of them punches the other one. Actually, similtaneously so we can ditch both of them. Do a Jeremy, please.
Harriet playing the 'I'm a lady!' card. I was midway through writing a tweet saying she was going to say it before she said it. Pathetic. You're not a woman. You're not even a human. This was swiftly cancelled out by Danny saying she should 'show him respect' as a man. These two make pond life look sophisticated. Amoebas have more chutzpah.
Well, the producers got what they wanted, all out war. I'm enjoying Adjoa's sheer shirt/pink bra combo. Adjoa to Keiran: 'If you've been to Tenerife, you've been to Elevenerife.' Classic. I hope that line is enough to save her!
One of the Busto twins looks like her head is about to pop off. Not sure what about. I'm sure she's got a good reason, lol. Her boyfriend is going to be jealous of Joel or something? God knows. They're probably missing Twinnie Towers. Don't worry Twin Boyfriend, Joel is gay as a window.
Joel calling Aaron fake! How dare he when the botox bitches are in that house! Did Aaron call one of the twins a two faced bitch? If so, crown him the winner immediately.
Joel is being a right dick to Aaron. He's pulling his pigtails essentially.
Why is Danny dressed like a snooker player? He's forgotten to sew on his BetFred patch.
Jade vs Eileen, ding ding. Ahhh... who cares?
Friends and family can fuck off. The racist public booing Adjoa's friend. Sick. Christ, look at Eileen's friend. How come she doesn't get booed? I am getting really pissed off now. What has Adjoa done? Oh I know... she's BLACK! And she's gay as well! Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it? UKIP generation. Jim-to-win fans. Suck it up.
Danny 'don't like being belittled.' I love it myself.
I don't care about this row between Jade and Eileen. Dull as fuck. Although I did like Eileen saying 'I'm not even bloody spiritual!' Ha. She should have told Jade that. Nah, actually let her sweat.
I love Keiran always trying to be peacemaker. 'You can bring a donkey to a well but you can't make it drink.' Genius. He could be my dark horse (not in a racist way!)
Spin the bottle. Standard. Aaron: 'How big is your cock?' to Danny. 'It's average.' This means he's got a maggot, right?
Does this Amy fancy Joel? They are playing chase. Is she in a love triangle with him and Aaron? She looks like their mum.
Who's face is redder, Jack normally or Twin A or B when she's shouting about god knows what? There's only one way to find out etc. FIGHT!
Jack's arse crack. Dear God. That's the podcast image sorted then. GIF websites across the UK just crashed under the weight of Jack's enormo buttocks.
Adjoa is so beautiful! Nick holding hands with Eileen lol. I literally can't believe Adjoa is out. Pathetic. I am disgusted with the alleged great British public. Pure fuckeries. Seriously. Have a word with yourselves.
Adjoa: 'I know exactly who I am.' I love that in a person. You weren't first out, you've forgotten Showbiz. Are they seriously shouting 'off' at Adjoa? Well one racist man is? I hope he dies on the way home. Glastoeve on Twitter summed it up the best 'Channel 5, sort out your disgusting baying mob.'
The men evicted Adjoa cos they couldn't fuck her. And the crowd are shouting at her cos they can't fuck her.
Glad Adjoa gave it back to them a bit. She was ROBBED. Criminal she's gone. She was great in her interview.
And then Jade picked Nick and Aaron for something or other. Oh, Maccys and KFC. Frankly, I don't give a shit. Jade is sucking the crap out of Nick's game. And I think Aaron said the food was cold, lol. Nothing worse than cold fries!
And yes, I'm saving the obvious Adjoa pun for the podcast... coming tomorrow as Mr Bile is working tonight! See you then.

Friday, 15 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: Carget on your Jack

Emma is looking fiiiine tonight. Still, no excuse for the way she treated Hazel, lol.
So it seems to me whoever we vote to win is gonna have to kick someone out tonight. That could be a double edged sword. It's a short journey from top of the tree to out the door on your ear; that's showbiz etc.
Eileen: 'Morning great British public.' I think you meant idiot general public. Strawberry jam-alogy.
Why is Aaron crying, cos Chloe doesn't like him? Who cares. I don't even know who Chloe is. I like Aaron's PJ bottoms, they're like technicolour bricks.
Aaron is blowing Chloe's mind with his frilly socks and 'trainers with tails' on. You don't get that in Doncaster. Well in Northampton that's considered conservative.
LOL Joel has to go on the exercise bike ala Calum. Is that five hundred bananas in the basket? This task is cheap as fuck.
Christian taking his top off to go on that bike is groo. He makes me SICK.
'Got a really good rack on her, innit.' Great chat up line, Keiran.
Jade: 'Danny's soul is so gentle.' Er, OK. Get your buttcheeks off the diary room chair, Gary Busey wouldn't get away with that. Where's James Jordan when you need him?
Ted is shooting paintballs at Aaron. Another cheap as fuck task, they probably had that dry wipe board out the back. Numberwang!
Gary Busey pretending to be afraid of balloons was better. Who's really scared of balloons? I believe those people who jerk off with balloons more.
Troll talk; one of the twins has got a baggy fanny and a lopsided face. And that's the attractive one. Wait til you come out! There'll be so many trolls under your bridge you and your sister will be trip-trapping all the way to The Priory, faster than Billy Goats Gruff.
Nick admitting to being a troll, lol. We want to know who he trolled! He's kicking his gameplan up a notch. He shouldn't say that though as it gives people a reason to vote for you.
Does Danny wear fake tan? No, he's naturally orange. Bitch, please.
Technotronics with fish guts? Why has she got goggles on? Health and safety? What is it in the bucket? I don't know what's going on. Where's Maaaaark when you need him?
Danny will hereforth be known as canoe. With an upside down U. That's his nickname sorted at least. We thought 'misogyny' would have been better but the cunt can probably spell that as he's got an A in it.
'Who are ya!' The new 'You fell over!' I fell over at work the other day and both my shoes fell off. Stylish.
Jack and Joe....l are in the bath. LOL to Joel chucking a drink over Aaron. A friend of mine isn't speaking to me for doing that to someone last week. I think in the bath you get a pass, though. You're wet anyway. WARNING! Call Offcom etc.
They had to draw the line at chucking around the maxi muscle though. Cristian stepped in to save it, like a poor man's Luke Scrace.
I like that Joel, he's kind of cheeky. 20 minutes in bed is fine! He's gonna get slung out on his ear within the week.
Adjoa's finger fucking chat is amazing. She's pretty to the point. Chloe: 'Where do you find 'em?' 'All over.'
Do people really say pussy? LOL. I don't, it's gross. Adjoa is a self-proclaimed 'black gay.' I love her.
Cristian working out with a pillow on his back was brilliant - a reverse Jay McCrae. This has picked up in the last ten minutes.
Bhahaha Cristian the Maxi Muscle merchant is crying because the girls were picking on him! LOLZ. OMG even Danny's slagging him off. Brilliant. What's wrong with him!? What a big girls' blouse. (Sexist). Him crying in the Diary Room with his sunnies on was pure joy.
So the vote to win is between Jack, Harriet and Danny. I don't even know who Harriet is, so how is that possible? Also, Danny. Er...
Harriet, shut your yap and listen FFS. I love the way my boyfriend walks out the room as Big Brother is going 3...2...1 and I have to pause it. Very considerate! Get my permission before you leave the room, please!
Jackjoe is the winner. Who will he evict? The series is over! If only, lol.
I like Aaron's pool ball outfit. That's hundo percent chic.
They're giving JackJoe a carget. Iris has had a demotion to a ten inch TV. Come back Pauline, all is forgiven.
JackJoe is so red in the face. Does he really think he's gonna get a BMW! Poor sod. He's gotta leave now to get it! Take the car and go. That would be too funny. Hold on, he can't even drive. As if they make the prize fund drop to nothing. Nonsense. That twist was whack. Should have made him evict someone on the spot. Oh, hold on.
Nick looks sick at having to nom face to face. He's always shaking, bless him. Feel sorry for him.
Nick nommed Adjoa and Sarah! Boo! Two strong women! Cos Sarah's a golddigger! Should have put Jack up cos he's got immunity and he's too popular! Flush out the immunity! Silly sod. Sarah took it quite well. She'll probably machete his balls off before the week is out.
Bilecast coming! See you then.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: I'm not at home

Today I've had some joker on Twitter telling me that 'lads' DO talk to each other like Dumb and Dumber 'when they're on their own.' Yeah, lads do. 12 year old lads and insecure little straight boys. Meanwhile, men who have had sex, or who have an IQ over 15, treat women like equals.
Yeah Jade, I'm sure they will let you share your luxury budget, because that would be interesting to watch, wouldn't it? Honestly, have you never seen Big Brother before?
Jade likes Kieran. Why? I do that thing he does where he accuses everyone of stealing something and then finds it a minute later, normally with pens at work.
Why is JackJoe up Cristan's arse all the time? Unlikely bromance of the weeeeeek.
I find the polyamorous thing so boring. Why do people act so surprised about it? 'My soul is free' = I like fucking around. Good for you. I don't blame you, but who cares? Obviously Cristian will care because women should be in the kitchen giving blowjobs to him and him only. But your sex life is your business. I couldn't care less. Bet she doesn't even snog anyone in there.
Aaron is not delivering so far as I'd hoped. I still like him but come on, you're from Northampton, and people shouted at you because you were gay? If you weren't down casualty every night with stitches you hadn't had a good night out in Northampton. Man up! (Man up is sexist terminology, I think Big Brother is rubbing off on me).
God, are they seriously telling Adjoa to sleep with a guy again? She doesn't want to 'sit on a dick.' How do you know you don't like getting your hand run over by a steamroller if you've never tried it? How do you know you don't like eating a razorblade sandwich if you've never tried it? How do you know you don't like having a frontal lobotomy if you've never tried it? I would be so offended if I was her, but she doesn't seem to care, so she must get it all the fucking time, poor sod.
Ah classic shitstir task, finding out the housemates secrets. Who's been in a porno? My money would be on Eileen, too. Kieran going: 'Would you hit that?' about Eileen. Dear God. I thought it was just Cristian and Danny we had to worry about. That is a new low, it really is. Gross. Can you imagine if women talked about men in that way? It's actually hard to, because it's so alien.
Why do they care if Sarah's a gold digger? She's not gonna bang you, Cristian. Rich or poor, you're a pig-faced thick little bitch.
Oh dear, God chat. It will never top Danielle nominating Ash for believing in evolution. That nomination should have been struck from the record.
Cristian proud he's been in the Daily Mail for going out with someone from Hollyoaks. There's a culture clash if ever I've seen one. But which is trashier?! Fight! I'm tired of writing his name. We need a nickname for him quick. Suggestions in the comments or on Twitter, please.
WTF Danny fulfilled a girl's dying wish by pretending to marry her? Look at him crying and acting like he has a heart. What a knob. Actually I remember this story of him pretending to be a groom. He seemed like a nice person then. Said dead woman currently now turning in her grave. Sad, if anything.
Is Cristian going bald? I think he's got a combover. Why does Danny care about golddigger-gate?  Oh, cos he fancies Sarah. This conversation got old fast. Danny likes Sarah on his terms. Obviously he's broke. I hate his attitude towards her. Way too much Cristian tonight. Where's my Nick?!
Twerking is so three years ago. Yawn.
I can't tell Harriet and Chloe apart. They seem like the same person to me.
Nick and Joel in the bath - sexy time! Nick is journeying already: a failed jockey in the bath with a Tory. Magical.
Danny hates Joel now as well as Aaron, basically everyone decent. Why has this prick always got his hood up? I wish he'd drop dead. At least Joel, Aaron and Nick are three dimensional characters. Danny isn't even humanoid. He's just Stale/ Kris/ Ricci/ JJ/ Antony Hutton all rolled into one. Like one of those keyrings you get with buttons on it that you press and it says eight different catchphrases. Except that says five more things than this no mark and it's not wearing girls sunglasses.
Harriet: 'I'm not at home.' That's how I feel when I'm on holiday. I don't find her interesting, and I don't agree with Big Brother going 'come on girl, it will be alright' to her. Big Brother should be impassive at all times. She can go see the counsellor if she needs spiritual guidance.
Podcast tomorrow so you'll get to hear what my boyfriend thinks. Hopefully he won't be all like 'Whoa look at the boobs on that bird! Sling one up the back of it!' But he is a man, so you never know, according to Twitter. So it's not just men being sexist towards women. It's men being sexist towards themselves, if they think that's how all men carry on. Not on my planet, mate. Not on my timeline, either. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: I like pussy

So, what did our scrap of live feed reveal? Adjoa is one to watch, there's something intriguing about her. Danny and Cristian are the new 'slutbuckets'/Jungle Cats, ie. sexist pricks. I quote: 'What's the fucking point of putting single women in here?' Yeah, what is the point in birds you can't bang, hey? Might as well be dead. Cristian actually reminds me of Kris, aka the Mighty Douche, that cunt who used to work in All Saints and was trying to fuck Princess Manky Teeth, who was in Rex's year. Watching him try and construct a conversation with JackJoePieface was criminal. 'Where'd you know your friends from, school?' Mint bantz right there. I think he's also a bit of a homophobe: 'men don't share beds' - grow up. The other comparison is of course, Ricci from Celebrity Big Brother. And you know fine well how that turned out. Who's casting this show?!
So how much recap are we going to have to eat? I can't believe I missed 'is that your real voice' yesterday. Blog writing fail. They are rattling through the housemates, and they really need to. So. many. people.
Joel: 'a better looking Leonardo Dicaprio'. Not hard to muster that up these days, Leo looks like a fat tramp, and hanging round all those young models doesn't help. Have a fucking shave, for Christ's sake.
What's the point of all these housemates who don't drink, more like. Don't drink, don't fuck, what do they fucking do?
LOL to Showbiz going 'You look like Sinitta' to Adjoa. I wonder how often black people have to hear 'you look like *someone who looks fuck all like you*' a week? Big Brother really is a microcosm of how women have to cope in society, how black people have to cope and how gay people have to cope with pricks like Danny and Cristian and Adjoa is all three, so she really has her work cut out in that house.
Aw to Nick pretending managing a McDonalds is cool. He seems really sweet. My boyf thinks Nick is going to go deep and have a 'journey'. I hope so. He has got Dexter/Ben Duncan vibes and that's no bad thing.
Andrew: 'I just blow shit up.' Hopefully his game! What a knob. Football! Lowest common denominator conversation for men with nothing else to say for themselves. If a taxi driver tries to talk to my boyfriend about football, he won't even engage with it. I have to talk about it! I know fuck all about it, except the usual (racists, sexists, wifebeaters etc).

A friend on Twitter has just pointed out to me that football idiot is not called Andrew. Hopefully I won't have to learn his name. He's so fucking boring there'll be nothing to write about anyway.
Nick is possibly a true gamer with all this humble crap. The boy could go far. As long as he doesn't try and you know, have sex with Cristian because boys don't share beds. And Cristian is so smoking hot he will turn straight men gay, or so he obviously thinks.
My boyf thinks Simon going was a fix but how can it be when they offered them the Deal or no Deal swap, too? I'm really pleased Adjoa was saved, you know. I think she's going to be good value.
LOL to Jade crying at Simon going. I'd be thanking Jesus.
'He was too much of a good housemate to be go.' Who said that?! Ha. Adjoa should be pleased she's not gone, not coveting JackJoe's immunity.
Why IS Aaron wearing a zebra outfit?! He's going in the 'eek' pile.
I like Adjoa asking Jade if she has children, ha. Jade is basically saying she's 'open' to women and then Adjoa goes 'you don't want to feel their pussy and that?' Told you she was one to watch. Classic BB.
Nick is 19! No wonder he hasn't got a job. Its not like he's 28 or something. I was unemployed when I was 19 too, I just didn't have a swimming pool and I watched Jerry Springer instead of cartoons.
Oh dear, politics chat. This is head in hands stuff. Joel admits he's a Tory. Better than UKIP, I suppose, although, you know, basically the same thing.
LOL to Sarah laughing in Cristian's face when he said he was a rapper. Quality.
So Adjoa says she's a lesbian and someone goes 'so you don't like boys at all?' Do you understand what a fucking lesbian is? I love the way she said 'I like pussy.' She's brilliant. It's so offensive when people say 'Have you tried sleeping with guys.' Have YOU, Keiran? Shut the fuck up then. She knows her own mind, just like you do, why should she have to explain herself? Talk about straight privilege.
I just like the way Adjoa is, she's just in her own little world. Criminal to think she had a 50/50 chance of leaving. Everyone's going 'what a great first night twist' but I don't think it was worth it, or it could have not been, let's put it that way.
Oh here we go with Cristian not wanting to share a bed with Nick. 'Guys don't sleep in the same bed.' What about gay guys? Cristian is revolting in more ways than one. Is he 12?
Adjoa is on heat. She even seems turned on by Eileen's tattoo.
LOL they are showing this awks conversation with Cristian and JackJoe. Pieface: the origin story. Cristian *deadpan*: 'I don't have a nickname.' I'm sure we can think of one, writing Cristian repeatedly without the 'h' is driving me bananas anyway. Mind you, I'm not exactly shocked his mum couldn't spell with this mastermind for a son.
Keiran is bugging me, but he's got nothing on Showbiz, so we need to be grateful for small mercies.
This Danny prick is getting on my nerves as well, in his Kylie hood thinking he's a baddass. 'Aaron is sketchy.' Why? Because he's gay? He doesn't like Sarah either because even though she's 'a good looking bird' she's 'bossy' ie. she won't fuck him. I liked her rolling her eyes at him: because he's a knob.
So now Danny can judge Sarah for having a baby as well. I heard him on the live feed saying she shouldn't leave her baby for 10 weeks, the sexist twat. No one would bat an eye if a guy did that.
They are all hating on JackJoe for his immunity. No one would nominate him anyway so who cares? I like JackJoe better than Jack and Joe, but then I like White Dee better that I liked Jack and Joe, so it's not saying much.
Why is Cristian sitting on the bed with Nick? Oh my god, that's so gay! Is he a shirtlifter (t.m. Jim Davidson) or something? His friends are gonna be giving him such a ribbing down the cunt shop when he gets out.
The next person who mentions football - just kill me. I can't bear it.
Adjoa is hot for Sarah. Jade: not so much. She is not connecting energies with Sarah. I'd rather talk about football that 'energy.' Next it'll be crystals, then the meditation and then probably fucking starsigns or something.
Aaron is upset that Simon has gone as he 'could have been a good leader' - what?! Only if you want to be led into musical theatre.
Danny having a go at Aaron again: 'He takes a lot of getting used to.' The homophobia is seeping out of you, along with the sexism. You should see a doctor for that, straight boy. 
The jungle prats are playing 'snog marry avoid' basically. They think they could get with the twins even though they have boyfriends. Did they learn nothing from Ash and Marlon's absolutely not fantastic 'slutbuckets' chat? These two are so stupidly offensive that I'm finding them enjoyable: yet they'll carry on like this and still get cheered when they leave because, well, you know, idiot general public, innit? But any woman who leaves who's good looking or wearing a skirt? Well they're just slags, aint they? Just birds for fucking. Any hole's a goal etc. And so it begins.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: Launch night - Tick tick boom

I have just started a new job and asked my colleagues today if they'd be watching Big Brother tonight. I got the stock response: 'I watched the first year or two' and 'What channel is it on now?'
So why does Big Brother endure for me, and those like me, ie. you, who read my blog or listen to my podcast? I think it's a few things; for me it's a nostalgia that never ends, a shared dialogue, shared memories, a shared youth. For us hardcore who still hang on, my friends, my age group, like Morrissey fans, we're part of an exclusive club, that was once considered cool or at least popular, but is now something people have forgotten, except the people who haven't. It's a secret club.
An example of why I love Big Brother took place this week: James (my Big Brother Bile co-host and boyfriend) said to me the other day (in Spain!), 'You're not in Heartbeat now, m'dear!' And I just cracked up laughing. He was quoting Spencer Pratt talking to Trisha Penrose. Who? Exactly! And it's part of our shared currency, our shared lives, those moments that people have long forgotten, like that, or ones everyone remembers (Nasty Nick/ Jade vs Shilpa). It's our lives, as well as theirs.
So whatever happens now, it will me more shared dialogue for all of us fans, more things to quote, hate, love, get mad about. I'm loyal to to the things I love. And I love Big Brother, and this little community, that I didn't even realise existed, but that I found out about through things like Scott Hudson's BBUK interviews and then the Couch Potatoes podcast. I think Dr Detroit first used the words 'Big Brother community' and it was a revelation to me. I thought I was just a loser watching Big Brother, yet here were people of all ages and nationalities talking about the things I like. It was brilliant, and it's great to be a part of that (I'm still a loser, but we're a gang of losers, and that's cool.)
And now to slag it all off to fuck. Haha! I try not to look at too much pre-show stuff, so I only know Timebomb, and the fact they can reverse time, ie. recycle old tasks, housemates, twists etc.
'Expect the unexpected' - check. People going 'ooh, ooh'. Check.
I like Emma's short hair! I tried to do short hair recently and failed miserably. I look like Myra Hindley.
A 'world first' is coming up! Arisa Cox is telling us something's a world first every week on Big Brother Canada and it's just like the freeze task or some shit. There's now so many twists on Big Brother Canada, it's like a running joke. I know BBUK isn't too far behind.
Ooh, the house. I heart the sofa. The house looks very nice. Looks like they've spent a few quid and the bedroom isn't making my eyes bleed like the Big Brother Canada monstrosity. Are those real fish? They'll be dead in a week. Still, at least they can cut to them when people are being racist like they do in BBUS. Bit sad watching this on my own though, this should be a Friday night, not a bloody Tuesday! Boo. I'm not even drunk!
First in is Chloe. Just what we don't need, a new Charlotte Crosby. A young White Dee. She doesn't like posh people. I bet they LOVE her. Said something about Asda in her VT so we've got the measure of her.
Next up is Keiran. This guy is 30? Time has not been kind. He's a black guy in a plastic jacket. He is bugging me already. Is this the best two they've got? Oh dear. Also, why is BB starting so early this year? I hate having two BBs on the go. If I have to have three by June I'll have the hump as there's only so much moaning one woman can do.
Simon is in next - 46, that's positively ancient. If what you were after is a melted Louis Spence, then you're onto a winner. Not sure why he's getting booed though (except the fact he's camp as Christmas, of course). Why IS he getting such a booage? Homophobes!  No doubt they'll be telling me they just don't like jazz hands on BOTS.
Next in is Jade, an Irish polyamorous high end lingerie model. That's a few boxes ticked right there. Tick that on a job application form and you've aced it. She's attractive, but why has she got my mum's hair? I like her cape.
Joel is a aspiring politician who said the buzzword 'immigration' and that his cat was white. Is he a cat racist? He wants to bring 'compulsory fun and laughter' to the house. Ahh, the young Cheggers. He hates political correctness. Yeah, I hate showing people respect, too. What a cunt. He's also one of these that looks like he's got a permanant fart under his nose, like that one from The Wanted. He looks soooo young. Which makes me feel soooo old. Another reason to hate him.
Ooh hello. A white rapper, my favourite. He's actually cute but that jumper over the shoulders is unforgivable. Cristian? Actually I just looked at him again. Not cute actually.In fact, has he got 'fart nose' as well? Is that catching?I hope he does some rapping forthwith. You'd think Emma was quizzing him on Newsnight from the struggle it was for him to answer a couple of simple questions. This guy is dumb as a rock.
Next in is a cafe girl in an egg dress. This sounds like the new Lily Allen song. Another fucking racist. A racist Stacey Solomon, in fact. Jackass won't like that. Not what the world asked for, and not OK. Went in chewing gum and going 'oh my fucking days'. Classless. She doesn't drink? (Alkie!) Ha, and later someone went 'why would anyone not drink?' Good point.
If what you're looking for in your next housemate is Jack and Joe rolled into one lump, you're in luck. He's even CALLED Jack. Calling women 'birds' non stop. Prick. He's promising 'non stop chaos'. Cut to hiding under the kitchen counter, crying. His friends call him 'pieface'. Let's just cut the crap and call him 'cuntrag.' People seem to like him. People are idiots. Just ask Helen Wood.
Next up, the MILF Samanda. I like twins in the house. They look like Josie Gibson after a spillage in the botox factory. Did Marcus Bentley really just say 'they're nicknamed Twinny Towers?' Call Offcom! I can't get away with those sorts of puns, so why can they? Haha. God bless 'em. They seem the most likeable so far, so the bar is pretty fucking low. Haha, they're 27! I think they meant 72.
A boob obsessed black lesbian in next; the UKIP kid won't be impressed, but Channel 5's diversity charter has been filled with just one launch show's worth of housemates. Good stuff. Adjoa looks drunk and she's a pastor's daughter. Figures.
ANOTHER posho! Nick. 'I do nothing for a living. Yeah, I'm a twat.' He has breakfast in bed, watches cartoons and goes in the swimming pool. Sounds alright to me. I like him. I liked it when he went in and said 'somebody hug me', it seemed genuine. This is my posho. This is my winner. *cut to him being evicted the first week*
What is this version 4.4 and above Android shit Emma is banging on about? It's worse that Brian Dowling saying don't vote if you're watching on plus one. Save the technical stuff for the small print.
Ugh, someone who likes football. Danny. He loves beers and the boys and hates stuck up people. Funny that, I fucking LOVE THEM. Better than sexist football loving lager louts, anyway. Probably a closet case. I liked the line, 'I do drink, heavily' though. He's just a boring, supposedly good looking cardboard 'Home and Away' style alleged 'hunk'. And like Ash, he'll be around for decades. But does he have a catchphrase as good as 'absolutely fantastic'? I DOUBT IT.
Fucking hell, look at Adjoa's white trousers. I'm not sure anyone in the world can carry off white trousers. Or catsuits.
Sarah has impressive eyebrows. She likes arguments (check, Helen Wood). She halfway through a law degree? Better call Saul? I agreed with her comment 'I don't like it when women say they don't like other women' until she added 'it's because they're normally a tramp.' Her VT was one of the best, classic trolling. She is beautiful. And evil. A winning combination. Hope she has a scrap with mum hair. She looks like butter wouldn't melt going in, all teeth and shiny hair! Scally Axl.
I don't get this 'showbiz' dude. The real Louis Spence did crap on the show, so why do we have to deal with this gone off one? Rubbish! Lazy casting.
But first, it's the last housemate. Aaron. He seems more like it. I like his pyjamas, sorry, tracksuit. I'm surprised he had to come out to his mum. I think he's nice looking but not sure about his zebra outfit. I think Marcus Bentley just said that Aaron was 'the first man to qualify as a beauty therapist in Northampton.' 'Beauty' and 'Northampton' go together like 'Northampton' and 'University.' Beauty in Northampton is polishing your DMs. There was no beauty therapy when I grew up there, just LSD and snakebite and then everyone looked attractive, no threading required.
Ooh, another one. Eileen! I thought Aaron was it. I've seen this woman somewhere before. Ah, she was on X Factor. I think she was with some old dude. She seems like a good character. Did she say 'Proskecko'?! How old is she? 10 different shades of red lipstick, that's my girl. At last, a decent housemate. So far I only like Aaron, Eileen and Nick ie. all the ones the other ones will gang up to get out. These are the ones who intrigue me.
Now we gotta vote on something. But we don't know what?! It's like the election all over again, although this time I'll actually vote. If I could have voted for a politician via an app, I might have actually bothered. Also, if they hadn't put so much paper through my door.
So we get two minutes to vote, but we're not told what for, and still we vote. Fucking idiot general public in action. I voted for Nick because I like putting my favourite in dire jeopardy.
So five housemates have got to pick a 'timebomb' and each contains a prize or punishment. Some jokers have voted for Showbiz. But also NICK. Pieface, Adjoa and Jade. Seems a bit of an odd choice. What about Eileen?!
Pieface has got three immunity passes. He wouldn't have been up anyway. WTF has Nick got! Whhhhaaaat he's got to nominate face to face? Bullshit. His private nominations would have been funny.
Jade got a luxury shopping budget for herself, also known as a slop pass.
WHAT!? Whoever 'destinates' the eviction timebomb will leave the house immediately. Bullshit. 'There are no secret rooms'. Also bullshit. Haha, they can swap! Someone said it's like Deal or No Deal. Correct. Never swap! I know it is blue, etc.
Showbiz has GOTTA GO. Thank God it's not a pass to the final. Adjoa dodged a bullet there and then some.
What the FUCK are the producers doing?! Of course I'm thrilled Showbiz is gone but unless itwas a fix, which it wasn't (was it) that was a HUGE risk. Why bother going through the whole casting process just to throw someone away like that? It was a pure miracle that the sadistic Twitter crowd picked Showbiz, that could have been your favourite doing jazz hands out the door! It doesn't bear thinking about. I would be fuming if I had voted and had a hand in that.
Showbiz didn't look too sorry to be going - 'that's showbiz, baby!' I like the fact he got best bits. His best bits would have been the same after a month, too.
OMG him shouting 'fuck off' at the crowd at the end, I was dying. He was sooooo annoying.But that 'twist' was just mental. Also, not a world first, they did virtually the same thing in BBUS one year.
It's all fun and games until you've put a bet on and then they just throw the bookies favourite out one week, or get some would-be rapist to hit a button and walk off with half the prize money, isn't it?
All I can say is, have the bomb squad on standby. Simon's early boot is karmic retribution for Helen's pass to the final. But still, some evils cannot be undone. And as for Simon? It's time to face the final curtain.