Thursday, 14 May 2015

Big Brother 2015: I'm not at home

Today I've had some joker on Twitter telling me that 'lads' DO talk to each other like Dumb and Dumber 'when they're on their own.' Yeah, lads do. 12 year old lads and insecure little straight boys. Meanwhile, men who have had sex, or who have an IQ over 15, treat women like equals.
Yeah Jade, I'm sure they will let you share your luxury budget, because that would be interesting to watch, wouldn't it? Honestly, have you never seen Big Brother before?
Jade likes Kieran. Why? I do that thing he does where he accuses everyone of stealing something and then finds it a minute later, normally with pens at work.
Why is JackJoe up Cristan's arse all the time? Unlikely bromance of the weeeeeek.
I find the polyamorous thing so boring. Why do people act so surprised about it? 'My soul is free' = I like fucking around. Good for you. I don't blame you, but who cares? Obviously Cristian will care because women should be in the kitchen giving blowjobs to him and him only. But your sex life is your business. I couldn't care less. Bet she doesn't even snog anyone in there.
Aaron is not delivering so far as I'd hoped. I still like him but come on, you're from Northampton, and people shouted at you because you were gay? If you weren't down casualty every night with stitches you hadn't had a good night out in Northampton. Man up! (Man up is sexist terminology, I think Big Brother is rubbing off on me).
God, are they seriously telling Adjoa to sleep with a guy again? She doesn't want to 'sit on a dick.' How do you know you don't like getting your hand run over by a steamroller if you've never tried it? How do you know you don't like eating a razorblade sandwich if you've never tried it? How do you know you don't like having a frontal lobotomy if you've never tried it? I would be so offended if I was her, but she doesn't seem to care, so she must get it all the fucking time, poor sod.
Ah classic shitstir task, finding out the housemates secrets. Who's been in a porno? My money would be on Eileen, too. Kieran going: 'Would you hit that?' about Eileen. Dear God. I thought it was just Cristian and Danny we had to worry about. That is a new low, it really is. Gross. Can you imagine if women talked about men in that way? It's actually hard to, because it's so alien.
Why do they care if Sarah's a gold digger? She's not gonna bang you, Cristian. Rich or poor, you're a pig-faced thick little bitch.
Oh dear, God chat. It will never top Danielle nominating Ash for believing in evolution. That nomination should have been struck from the record.
Cristian proud he's been in the Daily Mail for going out with someone from Hollyoaks. There's a culture clash if ever I've seen one. But which is trashier?! Fight! I'm tired of writing his name. We need a nickname for him quick. Suggestions in the comments or on Twitter, please.
WTF Danny fulfilled a girl's dying wish by pretending to marry her? Look at him crying and acting like he has a heart. What a knob. Actually I remember this story of him pretending to be a groom. He seemed like a nice person then. Said dead woman currently now turning in her grave. Sad, if anything.
Is Cristian going bald? I think he's got a combover. Why does Danny care about golddigger-gate?  Oh, cos he fancies Sarah. This conversation got old fast. Danny likes Sarah on his terms. Obviously he's broke. I hate his attitude towards her. Way too much Cristian tonight. Where's my Nick?!
Twerking is so three years ago. Yawn.
I can't tell Harriet and Chloe apart. They seem like the same person to me.
Nick and Joel in the bath - sexy time! Nick is journeying already: a failed jockey in the bath with a Tory. Magical.
Danny hates Joel now as well as Aaron, basically everyone decent. Why has this prick always got his hood up? I wish he'd drop dead. At least Joel, Aaron and Nick are three dimensional characters. Danny isn't even humanoid. He's just Stale/ Kris/ Ricci/ JJ/ Antony Hutton all rolled into one. Like one of those keyrings you get with buttons on it that you press and it says eight different catchphrases. Except that says five more things than this no mark and it's not wearing girls sunglasses.
Harriet: 'I'm not at home.' That's how I feel when I'm on holiday. I don't find her interesting, and I don't agree with Big Brother going 'come on girl, it will be alright' to her. Big Brother should be impassive at all times. She can go see the counsellor if she needs spiritual guidance.
Podcast tomorrow so you'll get to hear what my boyfriend thinks. Hopefully he won't be all like 'Whoa look at the boobs on that bird! Sling one up the back of it!' But he is a man, so you never know, according to Twitter. So it's not just men being sexist towards women. It's men being sexist towards themselves, if they think that's how all men carry on. Not on my planet, mate. Not on my timeline, either. See you tomorrow!

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