Monday, 29 October 2012

My guilty pleasure – Jack’s Mannequin

A cursory glance at my LastFM and you might think I’m a miserable sod – Morrissey, Bright Eyes, Placebo, Hole – but generally I don’t think you’d call me embarrassing. Yet one name crops up in 7th place on my ‘most listened to’ chart, sandwiched in between the serious singer/songwritery talents of Patrick Wolf and Emmy the Great – and it’s Jack’s Mannequin.
Where do we start? It’s probably one of the most embarrassing band names in history; off the top of my head, I can’t think of a worse one, can you? I used to actively delete the songs from my history, I was so embarrassed, but now I’m out of the closet and proud. Jack’s Mannequin have given me so much silly, brainless singalong fun. Just don’t ask me to say the words ‘Jack’s Mannequin’ aloud.  
So who are Jack’s Mannequin, and how did I get into them? LastFM is guilty again, as I was listening to the ‘similar to Bright Eyes’ radio, and up came ‘Last Straw’ by… well, you guessed it. It has some of the stupidest lyrics in history, for example, ‘I heard that you went out last night, and you looked beautiful just like a bat beneath the moonlight/ I stayed home and took a Vicodin… sometimes it's all that I can do when I think about the president. How did he become the president?’ Yet it is also the catchiest song I’ve ever heard. Further investigation into Jack’s work (OK, he’s not really called Jack) saw a recurring theme: he’s OBSESSED with jumpers. In Last Straw he laments: ‘And you never write me letters and you never sent my sweaters, so I could stay warm when I was without you’. For some reason this made me laugh, someone moaning about a jumper in a song, it’s almost Morrissey-esque. But it doesn’t end there. In ‘Holiday from Real’ he’s also going on about his winter clothes: ‘Hey Madeline, you sure look fine, you wore my favourite sweater, being poor was never better’. Is it the same sweater? Who knows if he even got it back from last time? We need to know! 
In case you thought this was the end of the knitwear-based madness, in the song ‘In Slow Motion’ the sweater makes another appearance, in another of my favourite bits of verse from him: ‘My life in Techinicolor, can you check the shutters, someone get my mother on the phone – she oughta know what i'm up to. Out here in Hollywood you don't need a sweater cause the sun feels better… in slow motion.’ So after all this moaning about his sweater, suddenly he doesn’t even need it anymore! I love the idea of him calling his mother to tell her what he’s up to, ‘Yeah, hi Mom, can you send me a sweater? No, not that one.’ ‘What you up to, son?’ ‘Just building a rock and roll career around moaning about jumpers.’ ‘Sweet’.
Yet despite lyrics that make me both cringe and laugh every time I hear them (or maybe because of?) I almost NEVER skip a Jack’s Mannequin song on my iPod, hence him coming in top seven. I just can’t stop myself listening.
So who is Jack’s Mannequin? Well, he’s some dude who was in some 90s band called Something Corporate. I think their biggest hit was ‘Punk Rock Princess’ which I vaguely remember from back in the day, and Jack’s Mannequin is his more ‘serious’ side (lol). I have tried to listen to Something Corporate and it’s a bit like Blink 182, but there are two or three catchy ones. I think Jack’s Mannequin is enough embarrassment, to be honest, let’s not start getting into Panic at the Disco or something.
Also, I think he survived cancer, and he plays a piano, so it’s all a serious business. I can’t even remember what his name is. Andrew? I mean, who cares? He’s not going to be one of my idols. He’s more like some comfy trash TV: if Bright Eyes is Breaking Bad, Jack’s Mannequin is America’s Next Top Model. Both have their place. 
I also like the way all the songs are set in California and are about going to the beach, smoking drugs, calling his mum (again), whining down the phone to an ex, and it being a bit hot. It’s kind of like a rom-com set to music, but a good one. He even does a talky rap bit in one song, moaning about having to wash his t-shirt: ‘I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday. When did society decide that we had to change and wash a t-shirt after every individual use, if it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.’ He’s not going to get a Daz commercial with that attitude, is he?
So my favourite of his recent lyrics is from his new album, in a song called ’Out of it’ (you can probably guess what that’s about). Lyrics are as follows: ‘So we pull up in the garage, the clicker's fucking broken. I say we drive 'til dawn, then push the car into the ocean.’ I love it! Tell me that’s not a rational response to the ‘clicker’ being broken. Don’t park on the pavement, or in the garden, drive the car right into the fucking ocean. AMAZING. It makes me beam with joy every time I hear it. I want to live in this world. I want to be Miss California and have him 'soak my hair in beach.' In that song he claims, not at all sinisterly, 'When they can't find you I'm sure I'll be the one they blame, but they can't prove anything.'
Anyway, even my boyfriend admits the songs are hopelessly catchy. I defy you not to listen to one of his albums and be singing along within a week. I would actually really love to go and see them play live, as I'm sure it would be a real feel-good experience... I just don't think I could find anyone to go with me! 
Look, I’m not saying you have to get into it. I’m just saying, I’m into it. And that’s that. And I’m NOT ASHAMED ANYMORE. I’m out! 

Sunday, 28 October 2012

X Factor: Union Jaded

'Tonight, one act will be going home. FACT.' Who would you name as 'Britain's finest global superstar?' Apparently it's Robbie Williams. Does the globe know? He's not had a hit in a decade, FFS, and even when he did, his songs were interminable, lightweight bits of unlistenable shit. Global superstar, my arse. Global supercunt, more like. Bodies in the Bodhi tree! Shame it wasn't his.
Rylan sang his line in this opening song better than one quarter of Union J did. WTF is this song? You can see why some people hate music, can't you? Perhaps Phil Mitchell had a point after all. This song has got a lot of 'youuuuuuuuuu' in it, bring in Brian Molko, do it justice.
My friend made a good point yesterday that 'straight' Jahmene changed the pronoun in his song, but lesbian Jade had to sing a pervy song about a man and not change the pronoun. Boo. Double standards.
I don't know about this Fun band. I've heard of them but never heard them play, so let's see. Oh shit, it's like The Feeling or something, right? No fun! Aren't they a bit... 'instrumenty' for the X Factor? Are they foreign? Oh, is it like Mumford and Sons? He's got the braces. It's indie for people who don't like indie, isn't it? Luckily I was a bit behind so go to forward through half of that. I win!
Dermot introduced Robbie Williams as a 'loveable cheeky chappie.' I love him like I love catching gonorrhea. OMG is he wearing a purple rollneck? He looks fat as fuck. This song is worse than I could have ever imagined. 'Ring a ring a roses'?! This is fucking embarrassing. Lapdancing Louis isn't going to help. Liam Gallagher must be sitting at home with All Saint #3 giggling like Spongebob. Rylan is better than this load of balls. Unbearable.
HA, Gary Barlow helped 'co-write' that song. He must hate Robbie even more than he lets on. Has Robbie got a girdle on? Ugh, just get off my screen, you fucking mess. Go and eat your way through your hard-earned millions overseas, out of my line of vision.
Yes, Rylan is through, AGAIN! OMG, Christopher got more votes than Jade and Union J. He's harder to get rid of than herpes (I'll try and squeeze a third STD into my blog before the end if poss). I'm amazed District3 got more votes than Union J, Union J are far superior.
Who IS voting for Christopher? Even Gary seemed surprised. I reckon Union J are quite shocked to be in the bottom 2. Mind you, I'M shocked they're in the bottom two. I like this song they're singing. Is it Pink? Someone did it on The Voice once and it was brill. They seem a bit half hearted and broken. They look like they're going to cry. Dermot looks like he's going to cry. I like the way the other one in the bottom two stands grimly hugging Dermot. Aw, they're all crying. Aw, look at Louis's little face. I do hope they stay, but it's a shame for Jade, bless her.
Jade is singing Dido. Two members of Union J are having an emotional breakdown in the background. I'm finding her voice a little reedy tonight. It's a shame, neither deserve to be in the bottom. I like Jade's make-up, she looks good. See; it's always when they give them these pastel rinses they fuck up; look at what happened to Amelia Lily.
Ah, we didn't even get deadlock; Jade's a goner. Shame, she didn't deserve it. Why is she in those awful dungarees? She looks like she's about to paint the house. Oh well, at least she can go do the school run again now. I will miss watching her. Especially when I have to look at Mr Pumpkin head for another week. LOL Dermot mentioned the school run! I'm glad I'm never having children, so I can never just be defined by just one part of me. Women can do two things at once! On a good day, even three. Good night! PS: crabs.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

X Factor: Fright night

What was she for Halloween? The ugliest girl you've ever seen. Someday she will die alone. So says Courtney Love, and who are we to argue?
OMFG. What has Nicole come as? She looks like a Yeti. I think I preferred her prostitute/dominatrix look that was on the Daily Mail website earlier this week.Gary didn't look too impressed when Nicole waved her arse in his face. Mind you, not much impresses Gary. He's worse than Shania Twain or Sheryl Crow or whoever sings that shit. I think Louis should have come in full Count Dracula regalia with blood dripping from his gob. It would suit him.
Lucy's not well and can't sing? It's not like she really SINGS anyway. That is a shame though, as I do like seeing what she does each week.
Kye's up first, singing Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. LOL, Gary was jealous when this song came out. Tragic. Imagine how low you'd have to be to be jealous of that frog-faced talentless fuck Robbie Williams. I'd rather be fat Gary Barlow, on my uppers and smoking a spliff than that rubbery egotistical bag of shit. I hate Robbie Williams more than anyone on the planet, and that includes Chris Brown.
Robbie looks washed up, but then he's looked washed up for about 15 years now. Anyway, what's Let me entertain you got to do with Halloween, apart from Robbie having the face of a fright mask? I think Kye might have slashed rubber trousers on. He kind of did a Harry Hill ending but not quite. He's definitely got his Kyeliner on tonight. 'Louis' little hand tapping away' is not an image any of us want in our heads.
Are you buying all these girls screaming for Union J-cloth? Me neither. Union J have come over a bit R-Pattz... wooden and chalky white. Another song I've never heard. This is what happens when you get old. I think I'm starting to fancy the gay one. The Barry Styles one makes me feel a bit Jimmy Savile. It's not right for a grown woman to fancy that one.
Tulisa's styling isn't right for her as usual. They always do her too old looking. She's a young woman! I'm almost wishing for the straw yellow hair again. Gary is disappearing behind a wall of dry ice. Not permanently, sadly. It would be good to deep freeze him, though. Then accidentally switch the plug off.
Ooh Rylan's on early. You can see his ginger beard regrowth. I like Robbie liking Rylan just to wind Gary up. I see Lucy was well enough to party at Rylan's party. I like Rylan white blonde! He should go back to blonde.
Toxic is a good song choice! Even Gary's smiling. He looks good, I like his styling. Oh not another medley. LOL to him waving his crotch in Gary's face. Gary's getting all the crotch action tonight. Gary loved it! That was very enjoyable. Louis: 'you remind me of a young Jean Paul Gautier.' Hilarious. Just brilliant.
Ella looks cool when she just styles herself. I like the way she has her hair and the clothes she wears. Robbie: I was a muppet at 16.' Er... who's gonna tell him?
I like Ella's vampire garb. Is she singing Evanescence? Crikey! That's almost alternative. I fucking hate them, obviously. She sounds a bit... flat? Oh just shut up, you're only 16. Ella will be in the final 3, doesn't matter what she does. Nicole is right, it was in the wrong key. The normal key is nails down a blackboard.
What's Christopher coming as, a pumpkin? He'll have to tone down his make-up a bit, boom boom. He's got his coat on. I'm surprised he hasn't got a sparkler in the go. Someone's shining a torch at him. Not sure why. Tulisa looks grim-faced. I'll say one thing; it's a lot better than last week, much less cheesy. LOL, another Harry Hill ending! He's making them his own.
I think Gary needs to get a restraining order against Nicole, she's like a drunk aunt at a wedding (sorry, that cliche is more overused than...) Louis: 'you remind me of Tony Christie.' Fucking hell, Louis, change the record.
OMG to Gary's comment about Tulisa's 'fag ash breath' - that is well below the belt! Really horrible man. Totally uncalled for. I hope says sorry after the break. People going 'oh he owned her' or whatever are so off, because to 'own' someone you need some class and humour; neither of which he has. I'll take fag ash breath over humourless cunt breath any day.
UGH The Other Boy Band are doing STING dressed up like the rapists of Clockwork Orange. That's double sexual terrorism right there.
Tulisa looks like she's been crying. I'd be struggling to keep my composure after than onslaught. Gary should have more respect for himself than humiliating a woman on TV like that, what a prize prick.
Jahmene has been hanging out with Samuel L Jackson. Well, that's pretty cool. Beats hanging out with Daniel Craig. I wonder if he got a free Kangol hat to take home. Is there a greater film on earth than Snakes on a Plane?
Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly. I hate it when people change the pronouns in songs, just leave it as 'his', not her! It's so dumb. Morrissey wouldn't approve. Wouldn't want anyone to think little Jahmene was gay, would we? *snigger*. This song is no good without Wyclef on it. And it's shit with him on it. I don't rate Jahmene and if he wins it will be the most boring thing on the planet. Vocal acrobatics can fuck off.
I quite like Jade doing the Sugababes. Is it the Sugababes? Oh, she did the school run again. Well done. I thought Jade was a bit flat. She looks good, though.
James up last! He's getting to hang around with Labyrinth. Is David Bowie there? James always looks like he's got lovely curly mascara on. I miss his old Deirdre Barlow glasses. They have saddled him with Sweet Dreams. No one wants to do Annie Lennox. There's weird satanic cult stuff going on; don't tell the West Memphis police department. He is doing this quite well; Marylin Manson style. Best performance of the night IMO. The flappy arm is out again. And the teeth! I love the fact he won't let them do his teeth. He's looking a bit chubby this week. I still would. He's sexy. He's worth 17,000 of Jahmene. I like the way he's always so dour. He's like Aiden Grimshaw but just a bit less pretty.
PS. This just in from my friend on Facebook of Sir Gary Barlow: 'I know someone who went to school with him and she said he was an absolute cretin and a weirdo and no one would talk to him and he would just make mixtapes all day.' What was on the mixtapes? Someone call up Xtra Factor and find out!

Sunday, 21 October 2012

X Factor: the results (MKdone)

I'm a bit tired and grumpy today because I got up early again to see my boyfriend. I'm not drunk, but I do have hiccups. Luckily, you can't hear those.
I see Jade's still got her purple rinse - groo. Change it, change it! Jahmene is dressed like the office accountant. I don't like this song they're singing. I hate it when they all sing together, it's so cheesy.
Talking of cheese, I hope Christopher Maloney leaves the building tonight.
LOL to Kye saying Chris Martin is one of his biggest idols. They just put you in front of a keyboard, don't sign up to Goop and get a rainbow jacket just yet.
Just a side note as this show is so dull, I have been watching X Factor US and it's better than the UK one in some ways and not in others. I like the judges; Britney's every emotion shows on her haunted face, LA Reid jiggles about like the Churchill nodding dog, and Demi Lovato is sweet, but not annoying. The thing I don't like about it is the categories; they've got this teen category, which is really bugging because they're all children, basically, and no one wants to hear children sing. They also put through 16 to the live shows, as opposed to cutting half, which took a lot of tension out of judges houses. The Voice US is still the best, and enjoy it whilst you can because the two best judges, Cee Lo and Xtina, are leaving this season.
I thought Labyrinth (I know he spells it wrong, but I can't remember how) was more in the Tinchy Stryder vein, obviously not. This is turgid. It looks like his mum's come on to help him sing it.
JLS: 'how does it feel to be the hottest girl in the world right now?' Well it would be better if you were singing one of your songs with a tune. Is this their challenge to 'you don't know you're beautiful?' I don't want One Direction or JLS calling me beautiful. They're all grotesque (except Zain) so their opinion aint worth dick.
Here's the results! One boyband is through. Whoop, Rylan is through! That beef with Gary is keeping him in. OMG Christopher is through. I was sure he was a goner.
Shit, I hope Jade doesn't go. I wouldn't want to see Kye go before Christopher, either. I don't want MK1 to go either. Jade is through! The bottom two are Kye and MK1. I like both of them.
Aw, MK1 look sad. I really hope they go through. She looks like she's shaking.
Gary going on about Kye's flu again, STFU. Kye is doing a dated, rubbishy old song. Cut him. He sounds a bit flat to me. MK1 are the best of the groups. That really sucks that they went home. What a shame. The show will be poorer without them. I do know one person who'll be happy; that dude they auditioned with.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

X Factor: Clubbed to death

Sorry about last week's X Factor blogs, I was a little 'tired and emotional'. I've just popped open a bottle of wine and I'm alone so I should get angry about halfway through this blog. Well, I suppose it depends on how many decades-old ballads I have to listen to. Which could be a lot. If anyone sings Hero by Mariah Carey or Unchained Melody I reserve the right to get pissy as fuck, forthwith.
Fucking hell, this is on for two hours. And I'm not even half an hour behind so I can fast forward the ads. I'm going to have to squeeze in some serious Song Pop in those breaks.
James probably had a panic attack last week because they kept him buttoned up in that coat for too long. How many idiots are going to think that was really Dermot doing backflips at the start? And where did they find a lookalike short enough?
Louis's borrowed one of Deirdre Barlow's roll-necks for the night. Tulisa is styled nothing like Tulisa as usual. Nic-bot is spouting rubbish already. Barlow is bringing tweedy back, and not the violent one.
Christopher Malone is up first; they must really want rid of him. Well, he's pretty camp so he should be alright. He's 34? Fucking hell, I thought he was 40-odd. So he's borrowed his suit off Graham Norton. This is 100% karaoke. *presses fast forward* *realises it's live* Louis is making notes i.e. drawing a picture of Jedward in the bath together. Well, let's face it, it's an image that sticks with us all. Christopher Malone did the full Harry Hill ending  STARTOFALL! *jazz hands*
MK Ultra are up next. What the fuck is Louis going to get them singing this week? A Same Difference number? They don't want to sing something 'overground'. No Wombling Free, then? I think the general public can take a bit of rap, FFS. We can cope. It's not Megadeath. Fucking hell, they're doing Gypsy Woman. I love the black dude! I love them both, actually, they're too cute.
I see the woolly hats are making a comeback. There's only one type of mash up to be on a Saturday night, and it isn't this.
Oh Jahmene, don't pretend you've got any scandal in your life, you dull little choirboy. 'What you've been through' - oh please, we've all had our face dragged in the shit, that's life, kiddo. Buck up.
Oh, bugger, I like this song he's doing. Not so much the bow-tie. Aw, his bottom lip is going. Diddums. Nicole is like the most irritating motivational coach ever. 'You have the biggest balls ever.' I'm sure that's what he wants said about him on TV in front of his mum.
Jade's hair looks cool all lose and curly. I don't think blonde always works on black people, but it really suits her. Oh, now they've made it purple. Why are they always giving blonde people granny rinses on this show? Remember Amelia Lily's powder-pink car crash? Jade sounds a bit flat and nasally, but I'm not sure if they just put that idea into my head by saying her vocal cords were knackered. Gary's behind you, Jade. Be careful. I like Jade. But I'm worried she might go.
Fucking hell man, how does Lewis Hamilton put up with this Scherzinger bitch? I've seen that boring little runt on TV and he's dull as fuck. Oh I forgot, she's just putting this personality on for the cameras. She's really just as boring as him. Another break? Fuck a duck.
Why has no one done Zombie Nation yet? Now THAT'S a club classic.
James Arthur looks like he's got mascara on. I'd fuck him, make up, no make up, manky teeth, Brandon Flowers veneers, mouth shut, I don't really mind. Oh fuck, that wine's kicking in. James Arthur doesn't need dancers. I don't want to look at them - they're fucking leery. I want to look at him. What the fuck is this song? Did he just say he's got 'passion in his pants'? This like the worst song ever. Is this LMFAO? Cry my fucking eyes out, more like. 'We saved the community centre!' Rubbish. He's better than this crap. It's like Darius doing Britney as far as I'm concerned. And at least that was funny. Remember when Darius suddenly got good-looking? That was weird.
Oh it's one of those boy bands. The good one, with the gay member. I don't mind this song, but it's quite high, and I'm not sure they are. I barely saw a moment of that, I was too busy being a smart-arse on Twitter. I will say, I think this band are better than 1D were at this stage of the competition.
LOL, I forgot about Rylan. He's kind of just like Chico, really, and everyone loves Chico. Rylan is a secret ginger! I don't like it when gingers dye their hair black. Embrace your ginger, just like Nicola Roberts did, after about a decade of bad highlights.
YES, Rylan is doing Get on the Floor. TUNE! That song makes me laugh every time I hear it. Boo, it turned into Rhianna. Not just as good. Tonight we got to get on the floor! I think Rylan looks kind of sexy tonight. Oh God, another song! Three songs is too many in two minutes. That was good, though, much better than last week. I'll give him a vote again! He looks nervous! Fuck off, Gary. Stop talking trash, you curmudgeon. Bourgeois is not two words, Nicole. I quite liked the XYZee factor, but she's so overdone. Simon Cowell is probably writing her scripts.
How come Lucy has to apologise for being a drunk mess but Rylan doesn't? Oh I forgot. It's because she's a WOMAN. I'm quite enjoying her performance. Is it that half bottle of wine? Maybe, baby. I kind of like things that have a marching/ drummer sound to them, like clip-clop-clip-clop. It drives my boyfriend mad. I think she's been one of the best so far. I like the fact Tulisa is encouraging her to get drunk. Yeah, get fucking drunk! Just don't get the video camera out, ever.
Fucking hell, Brad Pitt, do you really need the money for that Chanel advert? Tragic. Still, gotta keep Vivienne in dungarees.
Gary's intro for Kye: 'he's full of flu but he's going to give it 150%.' What a rubbish intro. You might as well have just said, 'He's going to be crap but he's doing his best.'
Gary moaning about Kye singing flat; I think I like flat singers. I enjoyed him last week! So no doubt I'll hate him this week. Thanks Gary. Gary's giving Kye the Dan Gheesling treatment to knock him into shape. And we all know how that ends (well, the two people who watch BBUS and read my blog).
Kye's borrowed his keyboard off Brandon Flowers. Another song I don't fucking know. I hope that contraption is going to take off. How can this be a club classic when you can't even dance to it? If this is Chris Brown or something I'm gonna go fucking mad. I thought he was quite good, but that song was dreary.
Ah, here's District Blee. What are they going to sing, 'I'm every woman?' Everything they do just has the stench of 'uncool' about it. I don't know what this song is either *grandma*. Gary looks like he's going to cry. Perhaps he's thinking about Robbie Williams boggle-eyed and screeching about his millions of dollars.  I have nightmares about that moment myself.
Ella Henderson's dancing is a bit puppety, but she's singing the song well. Another unflattering outfit in my opinion, she's not a big girl, but they keep dressing her like she is. The dance moves don't really go with this song, it's too choreographed. She's better just natural. She looked really nervous at the end! Gary is actually right about her dancing, it was lame. But no matter. It will be one of his acts going home tomorrow, and the week after that, most likely. And then he might as well go home. And then he might as well smoke a spliff, get fat again, and fuck off for another decade. It must be Howard Donald's time to (let it) shine.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

X Factor: the results (Afghan drowned)

Gary Barlow can't even do a smile when he comes out on stage, the miserable oik. Perhaps it's because he's had his jaw wired or something? It's probably those spiteful fat-free meals he eats that leave a bad taste in his mouth.
I don't know what this song is they're all singing, but either it sounds tuneless or they do.
I think Nicole enjoys this show more than the viewers do. She's got her 'leery old aunt' chip in. So tonight I'd be happy to see the back of Christopher Maloney, District3 or the afghan hound as they're outdated and get on my wick. I hope Tiger Lily wasn't watching the afghan murder one of her dad's best songs. She's suffered enough having to live with Bob Geldof and Peaches.
I hope Lucy goes through, I hope MK1 goes though, and Rylan. James and Ella are a given. I hope Kye goes through as I thought he did good last night and he got a hard time.
Rebecca Ferguson. The most boring popstar since Leona Lewis. She's got a lovely voice, but she's just not my bag at all. What's with the fright-wig? She's beautiful, but they've done her up like a sub-par Lady Gaga. She looks better dressed classically and singing a soul number.
Chicken wings... what the fuck? Has someone checked Nicole's medication? She could be about to go postal like Robocop.
Every time I see Taylor Swift I just think, when will she have her teeth fixed? She must have the money. Another pop drip.
Yay, Rylan isn't in the bottom two! Fuck you, Barlow. I'm really glad Kye got through.This is the perfect result.
So it's District3 vs the afghan. Why is Louis giving them Bryan Adams to sing? All they've ever done is old fashioned, cheesy songs. They are so duff but I'd still rather save them over that screechy old crow. Let's see if she can get through one song without screeching. Urgh, she's shouting again. Get off my screen and back home to the bairns.
Yes, Tulisa has opted to send Melanie home! What is it with Dermot, he's being very strict this year. He's doing a Steve Jones.
Deadlock! I think Melanie will go, who on earth would vote for her? Is Gary going to stomp off again? LOL Gary's lost two of his acts in two weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd lost the lot in a fortnight's time. I have no clue why he ever put her through in the first place. Her voice was like nails down a blackboard. She seemed to take losing well. Gary is so out of touch with what's popular. He's like Louis; fumbling round for his faculties, and then just seeing Rylan's face looming up at him in the dark. Sweet dreams! 

Saturday, 13 October 2012

X Factor: Love, peace and harmony

Disclaimer: I've been drinking since 7.30am because my boyfriend is working funny shifts. OK that doesn't explain the drinking but anyway. OK, now with that out of the way...
Love and heartbreak week; I hope someone's singing a Morrissey number.
Gary 'get the camera out of face' Barlow is such a div; doesn't he realise the more he slates Rylan, the more people will ring up and vote for him? I've got my phone in my hand right now, just primed to ruin Gary's Saturday night. Have you ever seen Gary Barlow smile? I'm on smile watch tonight. If I catch that cunt smiling I might even throw one of his dogshit acts a vote.  
Why has Gary Barlow been told to change position on the judging panel? He did have Simon's seat, now he has to perch on Abdoool's Stool. I think we can safely assume Louis Walsh is now head judge. Even Nicole Scherzinger seems to have located her personality - someone must have fixed the fuse on it.
Dermot's come very formal, was that the suit he was wearing it his 'it won't last' wedding?
Jahmene: someone so boring you wouldn't have even bothered to bully him at school. Stop playing the virgin card, Jahmene. It's not like people were queuing up to deflower SuBo after Britain's Got Talent. What the fuck is this song? He reminds me of Peter Andre. And we don't need two of those. My boyfriend says he talks like he's at the dinner table with his grandma.
I'm mad with these adverts already. BREAKFAST BISCUITS. I'd rather eat cat litter. I thought I might have just seen Gary smile but I suspect it was just a spot of wind. 
I'm tired of Christopher already. I need a drink from that extremely cheesy bar behind him. He sounds off key. Why are there people snogging on a couch? That's not dancing. Not as good as Rylan's gimmicks!
Christopher is being patronised by Scherbot. That's gotta hurt. Louis is right; it was cruise ship.
Union J getting advice off 1D: 'be yourselves'. As opposed to a One Direction tribute band. They must be fucking hot in those coats. Have they got wellies on? They are better than last week but still dull as fuckery. Plus I don't fancy any of them. Where's the Zain?
Nicole is being very hammy this week. Mind you, rather that than the batteries out version.
Ella is up next, I still can't believe she's 16. What's with all these teenagers never having had a boyfriend? I'd had about 25 boyfriends by the time I was 16. That's what your teens are for; getting your heart broken. I fucking hate this song. It's dreadful. So now I can't even enjoy this and I like her. Plus I don't like her styling. She looked better with her own look with red lippy and everything.
I don't normally watch all the adverts. They really hammer them, don't they?
Are you really trying to tell me that's the first time Nicole has been in a pub? She goes out with an Englishman, doesn't she? Even the thickest of tourists seek out a pub when they first arrive in London. Mind you, I guess robots don't drink. Mary J Bilge is on the phone. Another song I hate. James has got his coat on, too. Why is everyone wearing their coat? It's making me nervous, like the contestants are waiting for a cab; which let's face it, they are. James was doing some flapping arms there. I like the fact his voice broke a bit during the song.
Aw Lucy's nanny died. *sympathy vote* She's got a fucking woolly hat on. Is there some memo I missed? I bet Rylan doesn't come on wearing his Christmas jumper. Is she rapping? How is Golddigger about love or heartbreak? Note they didn't say about her love life. I guess lesbianism is a bit unpalatable for the tweenies. Gary's mentioned His Loss. Nicole is now alluding to the lesbianism, Lucy looks embarrassed.
These Sky adverts are really fucking bugging. I've got Sky, fuck off.
District3. LOL to them having to have their names taped to the front of them in rehearsals for the benefit of senile old Louis. They're a bit drippy, aren't they? The other boyband are better. They didn't look very impressed Nicole's comments. Dermot: 'no one can question your harmonies.' Er? They seem like a right bunch of boring bastards.
Jade doesn't want to go on the schoolrun anymore. Is she going to have her kid adopted? Not Amy Winehouse again! I've not liked one song tonight. Should have done Back to Black instead. This song is fucking boring. Zzzzzz. I like her but she's always going to be middle of the pack.
Another rubbish cover version on a John Lewis advert. Is it their MO to suck the life out of rock?
MK1. Urban! I like them. This song choice is totally wrong, her her voice sounds good. The styling is dreadful again. She's got a woolly hat on, too. Why can't they sing a young song, or an urban song, if that's what they're about? Fucking Louis hasn't a clue. Gary's comments were actually right. MK1 'our fans might be too cool to vote for us.' Yeah, that's what Natalie Cassidy thought when she was booted out of Celeb BB. Turned out people couldn't fucking stand her.
Kye is doing Eminem and Rhianna. Kyeliner. Don't forget the 'watch her leave through the window, guess that's why they call it window pane.' - one of the best/ stupidest lines in rap ever. I thought Kye was the best I'd heard him tonight; it helps I liked the songs. Well, except the Dido bit, obv.
Louis saying he got bored was not a 'non comment', Gary. It's a fair point! I thought they were a bit harsh on him, though, I enjoyed it. The best thing I've seen tonight.
Another fucking patronising BT advert. Do they never learn their lesson?
Rylan! Gary Bore-low. Brian Friedman; go away. Rylan: 'if you don't like it storm off again' lol. LOL to the Take That false start. Rylan isn't just off, he's barely even singing. I hate this song and I hate it even more now. Can I take my vote back? I didn't even think the set was particularly good.
Louis is urging people to vote for Rylan! Hehe. Gary Barlow; 'musical dirge' - he should know. Rylan giving Barlow a bit of backchat, love it. Why does Gary have to be so nasty!? Has Nicole been practicing that 'living' line in the mirror? She's had a complete reboot, she was a right drip on X Factor US.
Ugh, I forgot about the afghan. I can't stand this bitch. Is she going to mention her kids? Interesting that she's doing this song that was on the John Lewis advert. *product placement*. I like this song. Not this version, though. She looks like Nicola Roberts' mum. And now she's shrieking again. I'd like her performance to collide with my off button. Some people shouldn't wear red lipstick, She's one of them.
I'm so fucking tired and pissed off now; I'm going to do a Gary Barlow and stomp off, now. Thanks for reading. Night!

Sunday, 7 October 2012

X Factor: the results

After watching professional killjoy Gary Barlow slating Geri Halliwell on Jonathan Ross last night, I think he's even more of a bitter old shrew than I'd previously given him credit for. What a prick.
It's so cheesy when they do this joint song at the start. Rylan sang the line in his song better Jahmene. Fact. James has lost his quiff, I see. He must have found his integrity down the back of the sofa.
Leona Lewis, 20 million records sold; still the dullest popstar on the planet. Having said that, I could think of a few hundred popstars I'd rather seen punched in the face. Leona has come dressed as a wizard and is singing one of the most turgid songs I've ever heard. It doesn't even have a chorus.
Ne-yo sounds like he's mumbling. He's hiding under his hat, presumably because he's ashamed. I'd rather listen to Castles in Sky than this shit.
James not holding hands with Rylan as they came on the stage for the results, I noticed. Yay, James is through. MK1 celebrated going through with a 'brap brap brap.' Ugh, Melanie is through. Bollocks. I can't believe Rylan is in the bottom two. This show will be a zillion times less watchable without him.
Rylan is doing some gay anthem in the sing off. It's like something they'd listen to in the nightclub on Queer as Folk. He's struggling with the low notes a bit. Nicole's enjoying it, though.
Carolynne is completely dispensable in my book. If I have to keep hearing her singing country each week instead of seeing Rylan camping it up I'll be apoplectic. She is singing well, but I'd still rather watch paint dry. Aw, that hug they had was so nice.
I actually want to punch Gary Barlow right now. He's such a fucking cunt. Why does he have to be so rude to Rylan all the time *homophobe*
Dermot is getting all mad with Louis, lol. 'Louis - now!' Ha, Louis said the wrong name! Ooh, that was dramatic. That must have been horrible for Carolynne, she took it very well. That's a shitstorm right there. Gary Barlow is an absolute disgrace walking off because he didn't get his own way - we laughed our arses off. Simply heartwarming TV. Shouldn't he be onstage comforting his act? He's having a tantrum like someone's took his cookie off him.
Here's why you lost Carolynne, Gary, because THE PUBLIC LIKE RYLAN MORE. It's not the Gary Barlow Factor, it's the X Factor. The fact is, Carolynne should never have gone through in the first place.
They should sack Gary Barlow for being unprofessional. I want to see him back on his uppers, smoking spliffs and fat as a house.
PS: Just turned over to Xtra Factor and saw Gary Barlow had crawled back, but was rocking in his chair like he was waiting for his meds. Tosser.

Saturday, 6 October 2012

X Factor: Live shows (It begins in the heart and it hurts when it's true)

So I heard pop's most miserable waistcoat-wearer Dame Gary Barlow was carping about Rylan being put though. Because wouldn't it be awful to have someone fun and entertaining on the show? You might even crack a smile, you fat fucker. Loosen up, Grandad.
I quite like Dermot's stupid dance at the start. I couldn't see Steve Jones doing that. He's still bouncing from side to side like a little, wrinkled puppy.
Tulisa has finally ditched the scorched-earth hairstyle. Are they playing Star Wars music? I hope it's Star Wars theme night. I can think of a few who would make good ewoks.
Why the shuffling about of chairs? *insert conspiracy theories here*.
So Dame Gary Barlow now has four acts as they put Christopher through, which was 100% predictable. I hope with all my heart that all of Gary's acts sink without a trace.
What is this bullshit about having the voting lines open before the show has even started!? Surely that gives people who sing first a massive advantage. Well I've just voted for Rylan. If they're going to fuck about with the rules, and make it a popularity contest not a singing contest, then I'm going to vote for the person I'd most like to go for a night out with.
District3! Not just as good as District 9 or District 13. What district does Katniss live in in the Hunger Games? Either way, it's a fucking rubbish band name. Mind you, so was One Direction.
I can't work out what this song is they're singing. Oh my God, Simply the Best?! FUCK OFF. Awful, simpering and they can't sing. It's killing time, and you're required at the Capitol. May the odds be ever in your favour. Tulisa said that was R&B! Really? And they really did to that turgid arrangement themselves? Great. I hate it when she has her hair in a bun, she looks too severe. I think her stylist hates her, that necklace is like something off Dallas as well.
Dermot: does not know what a pun is.
A note on One Direction. If you've over 12 and you fancy them, you're a paedophile. Also, the songs sound the same. Also Harry Styles makes me feel physically sick. But Zain is handsome. I just find it creepy when Heat magazine who, let's face it, is read by people in their 30s, are encouraging people to fancy a slutty little 18 year old boy. I think it's a bit sick, to be honest. The only direction I'd like to see them go in is hurtling towards the sea.
James's makeover seems to keeping his mouth shut. Are they going to give him the name of Brandon Flowers' dentist or what? OK, I'm going to come out with it, I think I might love James a bit. I don't think it was the right song for him, but his voice sounds lovely. He's got it. That was good advice from Gary to not have his edges smoothed off, although done in a nasty way. James looks so awkward on stage - and I liked it.
Fuck me, the afghan is up next. Are we going to have to constantly hear about her borring-arse kids? Stop whining about being apart from your children, FFS, do you want to follow your dream or not?  Anyone would think she's the first person to give birth. Don't worry, you'll be with them in two weeks. Ugh, she's singing the Beatles. I can't stand the fucking Beatles. Even Beavis and Butthead admitted they're shit. This woman is screechy, no one would buy her record, and she's getting on my NERVES.
Lucy came out of the closet last week. Normally people wait until after they win to do that. She's giving Brian Freidman the brush off. She's singing her OWN SONG.
This song isn't her best work either. She needs to make her lyrics sharp for all of her songs. They've trowelled a bit too much make-up her, too. I still like her, though. Anyone who can write their own songs should sing their own songs every week. 
I desperately want to know if MK1's friend is still getting a 30% of their earnings. I thought their act was quite high spirited. She was a bit off, but on the whole it felt quite different and fun. Do you think they're fucking? I think they'd sell records, they're quite current. But are they named after the Milton Keynes shopping centre? If so, they'd have been better off going for Xscape, the dry ski-slope.
Gary should have put Christopher through from the start. But Christopher is never going to win this race.
Uh oh, he's doing Hero. I never want to hear that song again. This is too plodding, too old fashioned (or cheesy and limp, as my boyfriend said). Never let the public pick wildcards; look what happened with Becky from Big Brother.
Gary: 'we couldn't choose the songs for them this week.' Who did then, set of balls number 6 in Guinevere? Fucknut.
Union J look so much like One Direction clones. It's annoying. At least they haven't got that little Irish sexist blonde one.
Don't stop me now. This song can fuck off. One of them appears to be able to sing - the gay one, by the looks of things. This is quite a camp performance. Louis has let Union J down, just like he did the odious Ronan Keating.
Jade Ellis. Oh fucking hell, not more 'I'm a mother' crap. Her makeover is quite good, she's cute. I only just twigged it was 'hero' week. I hope someone does 'I'll never be anybody's hero now' by Morrissey. I think she's quite good but this is a duff song.
Have I mentioned Nicole's revolting dress yet? Rylan has been getting death threats?! FFS. He's fabulous. Loving the set. He's struggling on the low notes but the theatrics are good. FUCK OFF GARY BARLOW. 'You should be ashamed of yourself'. I liked Nicole standing up for him and calling Gary a grumpy old fart, I've actually liked her more tonight - she beats that idiot Kelly  Rowland anyway. There's a lot more to being a popstar than just singing, you have to have the look, be unique and be good in interviews. I think Rylan is much more suited to that than, say... District3.
Gary's acts are just 'having a jam' with loverat Mark Owen. Ok then.
Kye's performance and song choice was duff but my boyfriend said it was alright.   
Come on Ella! I hope she does good. They've styled her like a fairy on top of the Christmas tree. It's a bit of a turgid rendition of that song, but she is great.
That was nice that Gary gave her that compliment. Nicole was really nice to her too. LOL to Louis having a dig at Gary. I can't believe she's only 16, she is special.
Did Gary Barlow just say someone was doing country? We don't have country music over here; let's keep it that way. Oh, it's this boring person. Mithering about being 32.. boo hoo, that must be so awful being that over the hill (I'm 32, and I don't consider myself ready for the knackers yard just yet.) Did she just say 'jumping from hoof to hoof'? Jumping from hoof to hoof, mixing. This is dullsville. I'd pay not to listen to this. It's not country. It's just limp pop. Do we need a UK Shania Twain?
Jahmene gets on my nerves. Uh oh, there's a stool. Fuck me, he's doing Imagine. LET ME NEVER HEAR THIS SONG AGAIN. He's just not for me in anyway.
Ok, here's who I think will go tomorrow. Christopher could be in trouble. Carolynne could, too. I'd like to see the back of the afghan. As long as one of Gary's goes, I'm happy, wipe that smug look of his face. Oh... that's just his face.