Saturday, 30 June 2007

Patrick Wolf- Secret Birthday Gig at The Abbey

I had an unexpected delight last night. Came home from work feeling tired and the highlight of my evening was going to be a trip to Morrisons (woo! bring it) Instead got a text from my (amazing) friend J-of-the-V who told me that Patrick Wolf was doing a secret gig for his 24th birthday in The Abbey, a pub in Kentish Town. You just had to pay £2 on the door. We only live up the road from there so we got changed super quick and dashed down there. Whenever you hear me complaining about London, just remind me that the music in London is second to none, and I should be grateful to live here, because it's true. I couldn't exactly pop out to Patrick's birthday party in Northampton town, could I?
It was a really nice pub actually, and quite busy with assorted freaks and kids. Everyone looked very dressed up except me, who hadn't had time to put my make up on! Met up with my friend and his lovely boyfriend (a big Courtney fan too! Always good) and another friend of theirs. We also ended up bumping into a VERY old friend of mine, whom via pictorial evidence Patrick Wolf's messageboard a couple of months ago I discovered she was friends with him! So it was all very strange and cool.
The gig took place in the beer garden of the pub which had been decked out really nicely with fairy lights and and tealights. It had a real enchanted garden feel too it, with loads of seating and flowers and a really warm friendly atmosphere. We got a really good spot right at the front (I'm so jammy lately with gigs!) Patrick was supported by his friend Bishi who we had seen support him at The Astoria also. She is gorgeous with a really lovely singing voice and one of her songs in particular was really excellent, so I think I'll check out her album.
Patrick's set was a real treat, very intimate and good fun, he was chatting with the audience and fluffing the words and laughing and he just seemed very happy and relaxed. People were talking to him and he was replying with good grace. He has the most gorgeous smile and it was really wonderful to see him in such a beautiful setting. He opened with Get Lost, and played (from what I can remember in no particular order) Augustine, The Stars, Pigeon Song, The Stars, Wolf Song, The Magic Position and Magpie with Bishi, which works really well live I think.
At one point he was asking what songs people wanted playing and my boyfriend said 'Why don't you play that Prince song you played on the Charlotte Church show?' Which was When Doves Cry. And he started singing it and doing a rather sexy little dance in our direction (I think it was aimed more at my boyfriend than me- sob!) and said he'd wanted to dress up as a dove on the show but he thought it was a bit controversial and that it was hard making Charlotte Church sing 'in a sexual manner'! How exciting.
I think Patrick was hanging around after chatting to people but I wouldn't have known what to say to him and we were STARVING so we buggered off. Spur of the moment things really are the best, and it was amazing to see one of my favourite artists for £2 as well as to catch up with my old buddies. June has been an amazingly jammy month for music. I've absolutely loved it. Happy birthday Patrick, I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.

Big Brother 8: Bye Bye Billi

Predictable that Billi went. Yet even when Billi was bitching in the highlights, it didn't really interest me. In his interview he came across as unpleasant and insecure. No one looked in the least bit bothered that he was going- not surprising as he'd got 8 votes.
I was shocked Jonathan didn't go, God knows why. What a drama queen. Ziggy was never going to go. I believed Jonathan though. 'Just another hour to think about it...' Just ship H from Steps in to give the man a bunk up, please.
I was disgusted with Liam's comment of 'I've slept with loads of girls but I want the girl I marry not to have slept with loads of boys'. What do people see in this plank? Not attractive or sexy in the slightest, he's blubbery with squinty eyes and a penchant for yellow and gold clothing. How can he be favourite to win? What does Nicky even see in him? He didn't even stand up for her when Gerry (unfairly) said she may become a bunny boiler. Dick. He should stop leading people on. I'd rather give 100 grand to Charley to spend on Russian teenager's ponytails. I hope Nicky savages him with a Medusa-style braid. Fine she is irritating and boring: so stop touching her all the time if you don't fancy her.
I do not believe for a minute Gerry has slept with 3000 men. But just imagine if it was one of the girls who'd said that. Just imagine it. Different rules apply for men, of course.
Brian is fast coming into his own, pondering on if Shakespeare wrote Babe: Pig in The City. 'He directed that film with Leonardo Dicaprio in it, the one where they talk like their pissed'. SURELY too funny a joke to to be that thick. I do think he's faking a lot of the time. Then I think of him pissing the bed and I'm not so sure.

Thursday, 28 June 2007

Big Brother 8: We're psychopatic

Again I watched Big Brother half an hour ago and already the memory of it is fading from reach like smoke. Jonathan wants to leave. Jonathan makes the same speech fifteen hundred times. Ziggy want to leave because Charley called him a pervert, although we don't know why, because of the disjointed editing. Ziggy thinks his family will be upset. Why? ARE you a pervert? Do they THINK you are? For God's sake don't your family know you? Actually, they probably don't. Because we don't. Flouncing off because Jonathan praised Charley, then saying she's good for the house later in the day. For God's sake, it's no wonder Chanelle can't trust you.
Another crap edit and we have no idea why Charley and Billi are arguing. They get sent to the 'happy room' but are too thick to realise it's meant to annoy them. Carol moans. Laura is in bed. God save me. It's so boring.
I enjoyed the twin telepathy task, but wasn't convinced of it's authenticity. Still, the scissors paper stone thing was a bit mental. Telepathy is cool. Corned beef cake aint.
And so today Jonathan didn't leave. And will therefore be forever ridiculed. What a chump. He really does talk utter bollocks. Ooh the Ivy. I forgot to put my could-give-a-fuck hat on. Ooh here it is. OK, now I'm impressed. Fancy food? Expensive food! Paid for by your boss! Oh my god! How exciting!

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Don't Piss on my Patch

See, I go along liking Ziggy and then he says things like this. Sigh.
The age talk continues. 'I'm older than you!' 'But I've lived five more years...' 'I'm twice your age..' FUCK OFF. Stop talking about it! It's stupid! Honestly, next it will be 'I'm 26 and three quarters!' Zip it, Zigsy.
Not much to say about BB tonight: there is something strangely unwritable about the characters at the moment. The fight was very funny, first Charley vs the young lovers, 'You're a mug!' then Charley vs Billi which was particularly good. 'Model? You're a model for the blind! You fucking div!' Brilliant. Shifty eyed Billi couldn't quite compete with the mega trap calling her 'a fucking bitch'. One thing's for sure, Charley doesn't need a man to defend her honour. Even Gerry admitted he was scared of her! Ha. Love it. I do like a good old barney. Liam the 100K man, meanwhile, dredged the pool. What a deserving trouper.
They totally deserved to live on slop after welching on the sleep task. Brian's diatribe in the diary room was very funny- I like laughing at the yokel. Him pushing the twins round in the garden- you're looking round for the babysitter, aren't you? It's frightening that these people can vote or breed. It's frightening that these people exist. But it's alright. They're in a little box, safe (for now).

Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Your Fixer Upper

Who goes? You decide. Nah, you don't. Big Brother does. But you know this. As Charley was in the firing line this week, Big Brother conveniently 'punished' her by discounting her nominations. Happy days! Am I bovvered though? No. Cos I'd rather she stayed in than Billi the Flid. She's making me laugh lots these days in between gunfire yapping.
I was glad Chanelle nominated Billi. Well, everyone nominated Billi. What a gameplan! Well done, matey. Sterling work. His nomination of Nikki because he didn't fancy her was particularly grim.
I enjoyed all the fights when Big Brother kept them up. Delirious and snappy is the perfect combination for a housemate. Ziggy calling Tracey a 'stupid cow' was great even though they both wanted to stay awake. I was very disappointed in all the quitters. No one likes a quitter, do they? Jonathan was the ringleader of the losers. Respect to all those who wanted to stay up (including the twins). I notice Tracey wasn't as hardcore as she'd made out when push came to shove. Special mention of hatred must go to Laura, what a fucking waste of space she is. I want Ziggy to punch her face in.
Brian really is king of the divs, but it's fun to laugh at the village idiot, so sod it. Why is Liam favourite to win? Except for the occasional barb he's fucking wooden. I'd be checking his pulse if I was in there.
So, another dead cert eviction on Friday. Guess Billi's not going to get his delivery of girls after all. Shame. Better luck next time, you twonk.

Glastonbury Visuals

Big Brother 8: Sunglasses Indoors

So whilst I was away you fucked up, didn't you? One weekend, up to my elbows in mud and you let Seany go. Even after he gave Charley an early bath whilst wearing a shell suit. You fools. His interview was quite heartbreaking. Poor Gerry. No gay sex for him. I absolutely hate it when the one I want to stay gets the boot, but it has to happen occasionally: if you agree with mainstream public opinion the whole time you end up listening to The Kooks or something. So now we're stuck with OCD Grotbags and an increasingly creepy Jonathan: I hope I misheard him saying he wanted to crack one off over the twins tonight. Good choice, great British public.
BB seemed to go mildly surreal in my absence: the Ziggy/ Chanelle break-up/make-up was plain strange (even the camera angles were moody, like in Eastenders) and could have been alieviated at any point simply by Chanelle saying 'I don't fancy Billi.' But she didn't. And have they shagged? If so, why didn't we get to see?
Billi seems inherently evil as well as ugly and we're hoping in my household they replace his picture with a boss-eyed one. I like Zigs more and more now he has this sexist, vain nemesis with none of his charm. Surely Billi must know game players never prevail? (see Nasty Nick/ the Jungle cats). Ziggy was right, don't trust people who wear sunglasses indoors.
I was both amused and confused by Charley and Brian in the caravan: what on earth was that dirty talk/ wanking off thing about? Did he really wet himself or was it something else? He's a comedy character for sure but he MUST have been joking about not knowing who Shakespeare was. That's like not knowing that the earth is round. I enjoyed Charley bouncing off him too, she makes me laugh a lot when she's not doing her super-fast yappy arguing. We might as well enjoy her whilst we can, she'll be hung out to dry soon enough.
Nicky and Liam is doomed to failure, of course. But that's alright. The monotone voice their children would have doesn't bear thinking about.

Monday, 25 June 2007

Glastonbury 2007 Review: Heaven & Hell

I wanted to write this review before I looked at a clip of it on TV, before I read one word about it in the press. I didn't even read the Glastonbury paper at Glastonbury so I this is completely cold, completely from my perspective. And whilst I'm queueing for the bath, with mud still under my fingernails, now seems as good a time as any.
I was fretting about the mud for a long time. I don't really go in for all this happy-clappy mud-is-fun bullshit, because it isn't. It's disgusting. I have had two or three really bad experiences in the mud before- once as a student at Homelands, off my face, when I lost my friends and ended up covered in tinfoil at the train station with blue feet. The other most prominent time was at Glastonbury, the year Paul McCartney played. Despite Morrissey playing the Sunday, my boyfriend of the time and me packed up our stuff and fucked off. We'd had enough.
This time, my boyfriend and I got the coach, so an early exit was not an option. And I can't lie to you and say I didn't pray for one at times. The coach thing in itself was a nightmare, we were penned in, our coach left an hour late, had a kamikaze driver, then stopped for 45 minutes about an hour after we got started, meaning we got to Glastonbury in the dark, Thursday evening. Luckily, it wasn't raining (then). But there wasn't much space left at all. We had to pitch our tent by a path (never wise!) near the cinema field. We just had a chance for a brief stroll around the site before we zonked.
Friday morning, it pissed it down. Luckily, due to an email I got from the Bright Eyes site, I had a heads-up that they were doing a 'secret' acoustic set in the Guardian Lounge. Actually, it must have been quite a well-kept secret because when we got there, we managed to get right to the front. How weird was this- sitting down on a carpet, in a small cafe/tent to see our favourite artist. I was absolutely convinced he wasn't going to turn up. It just seemed too exciting to actually happen. But he did. He was there right in front of us, and we were still sitting, we were virtually looking up his nose. I was the closest person in there to him. We got some great pictures (which I will post if I ever get my laptop back) and the setlist was short but fantastic. They opened with Cleanse Song, and did Southern State and A Song To pass the Time, amongst other acoustic numbers that i cannot remember at the mo. It was really beautiful, incredibly exciting and one of the best moments of my life, because I know I'll never get that close to Conor again. I am really grateful that I got that email because I would have been heartbroken to miss it and it was wonderful for me and my boyfriend to see. Have I mentioned we're avid Bright Eyes fans? At the end some people said to the violinist 'who are you guys?' How funny!
And then we came out from that protective bubble, into the rain zone. My boyfriend wanted to go see Modest Mouse so I went with him, as I like the odd song and of course, they have Mr Marr on their team now. However, just as we were getting near the front two mud people decided to try hugging us and I got annoyed. The rain was also getting seriously heavy, so I stomped off. I could see from the position of my umbrella (being carried by my boyfriend, not by me) that he wasn't moving, so I thought, fuck this, I'll go see Emmy The Great.
In between walking up to the acoustic tent, I got wetter than you could ever know. I had no umbrella, and the crappy poncho I'd bought did NOTHING! I was not happy. Managed to get to the front of Emmy, although they had a few technical difficulties I really enjoyed the set. Her voice is fantastic. She looked so little and young and her band looked really young too. Oh, I'm getting old. They sang Edward is Deadward which is one of my favourites, so I was happy, especially as the rain outside was just ridiculous. The weather forecasters should be shot, by the way. This was not a couple of showers, it actually felt like the clouds were shitting on us, it was so hard. I have never known rain like it. Shepton Mallet seems to have an entirely different weather system to the rest of the planet. It's horrible. I don't care about getting wet, it's just the mud. There's the mud that makes you slip. There's the mud that tries to eat your wellies, it is so thick and sticky. There's the mud that is like soup, and goes almost up to your knees. Having mud all over everything for three days is just disgusting. I will have nightmares about it.
But at least on Friday it did stop eventually. In fact, just in time for Bright Eyes on the main stage, which by the miracle of my acuvue contact lenses I spotted my boyfriend at the side near the front. How spoilt could I be for Conor-ness? He still hadn't washed his hair but he and and the band were decked out in mud-inappropriate white suits. I was a bit disappointed with their performance at Koko earlier this year but they really put on a great show here. The setlist was better (The Calendar Hung Itself, No One Would Riot For Less) and the orchestra was really cool. Weirdly, Conor seems less self-conscious on a grand scale than an intimate one. There was a big crowd there too, they seem to have really grown in popularity since I saw them at Glastonbury three years ago. Happy bunnies all round, although ending with Lime Tree isn't exactly a rip-roarer.
After this we saw Bloc Party, who I think were excellent, although I missed most of them because I was having a mild panic attack about the mud. On the slope going up to the Pyramid Stage it was a complete danger, so we battled backwards a bit. Kele looked very happy and like he was loving it. The sun was out then, too.
After this we gave into the mud a little and bought some fold up chairs to sit on whilst we watched Rufus Wainwright on the imaginitively-named Other Stage (although we were waiting for Arcade Fire). He reminds me of John Barrowman, I think it's the clothing. I find the music a bit bland, though. Arcade Fire were alright, but I don't like their second album and they were pushing it hard. The woman is shit too, and the lead singer looked like Christopher Walken. The crowd visibly picked up when they played Power Out. That's the only one I like anyway! One hit wonders. Then they played the other good one. Unfortunately it was too late: we were on our way to see the Arctic Monkeys.
I don't like them myself (they are far too popular!) but my boyfriend does, and I have to say, they put on a good show. Of course everyone knows all the words whether you're a fan or not, so it was good fun to sing along, and they seem like good blokes. (All the songs do sound exactly the same though, but it's one good song, so it's OK) Diamonds are Forever was a much better cover than I expected. Blessedly, we couldn't hear Dizzy Rascal when he came on cos his mic was fucked.
On Saturday morning I woke up to the sound of rain, rain, rain. We took our chairs to the Pyramid (we're such grannies) and watched The Pipettes whilst waiting for The Guillemots (and spotted Pixie Geldof- the dizzy heights!). The sun was out for The Pipettes, The Guillemots brought a storm with them. Made Up love Song and Trains to Brazil are probably in my top twenty of perfect pop songs of all time; unfortunately, The Guillemots also have several thousand dirgy, jazzy numbers that they insist on forcing upon the soaking, unwilling audience. Boo.
After this I lost the will to live and went back to the tent whilst my boyfriend went to go watch CSS and The Klaxons. You can see why I'd rather eat a packet of crisps and read my OK magazine, right? I was of course tempted out again for the delights of Patrick Wolf on the John Peel Stage. Oh, how I love Patrick. Also bumped into an old friend there, who I tried (and failed) to convert to the Wolf charms. Not sure why Patrick Wolf was on the John Peel stage, has he not proved his worth now? Would have liked to see him on a bigger stage. Still, it was a great show, with an intriguing outfit as usual, and he played all the hits and none of his quiet ones. He seemed genuinely pleased that so many people had turned out for him.
After this we headed for the Pyramid to go see The Killers. Unfortunately we had to go up the 'bad' side of the Pyramid stage and the mud there was just disgusting, really sticky and deep and people were losing shoes and pushing and shoving. I get a bit claustrophobic in crowds so I felt a bit panicked. We got up the hill and could see the stage well, but when they came on the sound was completely fucked. We couldn't hear it at all, it was so quiet. Everyone started chanting 'louder, louder, louder' but I don't think Brandon heard us. Then everyone started booing which I also don't think he heard, but it's still a shame cos it wasn't his fault. It was absolutely shit for us though, as I love The Killers. Half the people where we were left. We were so disappointed. I only saw them this year at Wembley and it was an amazing gig so I was so looking forward to seeing them again. It really was an unforgivable fuck up on the part of the festival, thousands of people were left annoyed by it. We couldn't all cram down to the front, and the mud was making things almost impossible anyway. When we tried to get out there were more pushing and shoving. There really should have been more straw put down to try and alieviate the problem. Glastonbury is overcrowded, and gets more so year after year. It's all very well making loads of new areas and letting more punters in, but when The Killers are on, everyone wants to go see them, and people get crushed. I really believe it needs to be looked at, especially with the mud issue.
So, with heavy hearts we gave up on The Killers and went back to our tent to get our trusty chairs, then went to the Cinema field to watch Borat, which was, of course, genius.
Sunday. More rain. More rain and more mud. And the worst part, no good bands on! So we took the chance to go and explore the site. I've been to Glastonbury on non-muddy years and it IS beautiful and magical. Unfortunately, once it rains, mud covers everything. Every area it was just trudge, trudge, trudge and kind of depressing. I hardly ate and didn't look in any of the shops. I was sick of the sight of mud. People who say they like the mud can just fuck off. People who prefer caking themselves in shit (because it does have shit in it) to lying in the sun are just sick.
The rain didn't really stop at all on the Sunday. My boyfriend wanted to go watch The Horrors, so we did. The audience was full of kids watching someone with a huge conk bent over and screeching like a crow. Wonderful. We went to watch the Manic Street Preachers, who I really enjoyed. They remind me of festivals, and being a teenager. I liked Nicky's red hair and the set list was pretty good, they didn't overplay the new album and they played Faster, which was ace. My boyfriend wanted to watch The Who, so we had to stand through the Kaiser Chiefs set which was quite an interesting experience! We marvelled at how shit it was and how everyone seemed to be lapping it up. It's funny because that Kaiser Chiefs dude has the opposite problem to me, a fat face and a thin(ish) body. But God, what a fat face it is. Topped off with lobster red skin and white patches for his sunglasses where he'd obviously been off on a package holiday to Spain recently. Also wearing the number one of fashion crimes (see Seany from Big Brother): a waistcoat. Each song was like a nail being driven into my heart. Pure and utter mediocrity, how could they be so massive? Simple answer, it's moron food. Well, eat it up, morons, you deserve it.
I didn't actually make it to The Who because it started tipping it down even heavier and I was cold and annoyed (and needed the loo) so I trudged back to the tent (spotting Bill Bailey on the way). I hate The Who anyway, so fuck them. We got picked up by coach at the wonderful hour of 1.30am and it was like trench warfare trying to get on that coach. I'll be having flashbacks of the rain and the mud for years to come, I'm sure.
All in all, the Bright Eyes secret set alone was worth £150 for me. I could have touched him. The music was brilliant, and would have been more so if we could have actually heard The Killers. I've since heard (I've been writing this review a long time!) that they turned it down because the neighbours complained! Fuck the neighbours frankly, we forked out ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY QUID. They are the headline band, for fucks sake. Monumental fuck up. Bad for the band too as they had waited a while to play the Pyramid. We listened to them on the way home to make up for it.
But the mud, oh the mud. I'm just not built for it, baby. Maybe I'm just too old for festivals. Maybe I just need to move somewhere warmer. Whatever, I'm going to watch The Killers I taped.

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Big Brother 8: The Dimmer Takes It All

Let's face it, there are few ways this could have worked with a happy ending. The ending we did get, was anti-climatic but perhaps one of the best ways it could have worked out. Let's look at the options (from their suggestions): Laura- no way. Amanda- possibility. Ziggy- I feel it would have been a poisoned chalice for him. I was surprised they didn't deliberate more, but Liam was a non offensive choice, and I don't think people will turn against him. He's such a bore though- YAWN. Buy a new baseball cap. They WILL turn against Carole, Seany and Jonathan, however. I would have maybe given it to Tracey. I want Gerry to win, and he couldn't have won with that money hanging over him.
Aside from the loser-at-the-Oscars smiles, Charley's 'what reason did you choose him for?' summed her up to a tee. As if they were going to give it to you, you grasping mare.
All in all it seems a big fat waste of 100K that they could have spent on making the show a bit better. They literally must have money to burn.
In other news, Carole ruined the whole moment by monaing about a towel for the thousandth time. Why would ANYONE want to keep her in? I'm sick of looking at her sour face. I want to punch it, to be honest with you. Dear God, please release her.
Anyway, I won't be here to see it, as I'm off to Glastonbury tomorrow. Pray for sun and look out for me, I'll be the one with the frog umbrella. Good luck with that.
I will be Sky-Plussing and will catch up next week. Keep Seany in! I know he put a condom on Gerry's bear but he didn't mean it and I'm sure he's sorry!

Trinny and Susannah Undress

I like this show, there is something strangely evil yet heart-warming about it which is an interesting combination. Trinny and Susannah are sadistic yet loving. Why people put themselves forward as victims is mysterious.
This week they followed a young couple from Corby (poor bastards: I once went out with a bloke from Corby and thought I was going to get murdered in the bus station on the way home). Amanda and Joe and had been together nine YEARS, since they were 14. God. If I was still with the person I'd dated since I was 14 I dread to think what my life would be like. I'd probably be living in fucking Corby, too.
The funny part was, they dressed much as me and my boyfriend dress (actually, I lie, the guy was smarter than my boyfriend). The girl had a similar figure to me (short and a bit overweight- except she had the excuse of having had two babies- mine is down to crisp consumption). I quite liked what she was wearing at first actually. T & S said they dressed to young for their ages (23!) I'm 27 and still dress like a teenager so they'd probably burn me. My boyfriend at least has stopped wearing the baggy trousers he used to wear (and looked like he'd stolen from a tramp). I've tried to modify his wardrobe, but you just have to give up in the end, and be glad that at least he's good-looking, if not stylish. In fairness, he hates my clothes, too (even if he wears them sometimes, haha).
Anyway, as is tradition in the show, they got the couple to go shopping for each other. She made him look like a typical Topman twat, in a duffel coat with one of those ridiculous knotted scarves (we call them scunts= scarf-wearing cunts) which he proceeded to wear indoors for dinner. He bought her a yellowy-green smock dress which was perfectly fine but she cried and said she looked 'slutty'. She didn't. She looked perfectly normal. T & S sensed self-esteem issues and pounced.
It was quite emotional when they did the (normally gratuitous) bit where they get naked and I actually saw the point of it today. It's so hard the way couples get so screwed up. It is REALLY hard to communicate well in a long term relationship. Relationships are a nightmare! Morrissey has the right idea, I tell you!
The results, as expected, were horrible. They sucked the personality out of the boy. What is it with SCARVES? I managed to get through a whole winter without wearing a scarf once. You don't EVER need to wear a scarf indoors. I hate them!!! They are as bad as sunglasses.
The girl looked frumpy. I prefered her pink cardigan. Her lack of self-confidence was awful! She was pretty, had a nice boyfriend, for God's sake. Pull yourself together.
Actually they looked quite good at the end. I take it back. And he proposed! Awww. I'm an old romantic at heart.

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Nominations (not) for the Nation

Ok. It's quite simple. You know that person who stands in the middle of the room, yapping like an angry dog, frowning into the mirror and bragging about how much her shoes cost? SHE IS THE ONE YOU NEED TO NOMINATE. You know, because she's horrific to live with? You thick wankers! Do i have to come in there myself and drag her out? All this 'I appreciate you because you're straight down the line' stuff Carole was spewing is utter bullshit. So if I stand in front of you and shout in your face, you are appreciative of my honestly? That's masochism. Congratulations, you're a pervert.
The noninations were silly as well as ridiculously epic. Nicky the whinger escaped. I liked the fact Charley said Nicky has the permanent hump. Too, too true. Jonathan might be over before he began. Keep him in for the 'how much do your boots cost again?' comment to Charley alone. Pure genius. Seany! I like him now. Please don't vote Seany out, folks. I like his sparkly clothes! Don't you want to see gay sex in the house? Homophobe!
It's got to be Carole. I implore you to vote Carole. What the hell was all that about at the end of the show. It was edited so badly I did not have the slightest clue what was going on. What did Nicky DO exactly? I still don't have the slightest clue. I like the fact Jonathan tried to use it as an opportunity to get closer to Nicky. Carole is unpleasant to look at, and the house would be more relaxed without her. She's like the mum who starts vacuuming on Saturday morning to get you out of bed.
In other news, I found Chanelle's little tantrum about as endearing as waking up next to Tracey. You could just see Ziggy wanting to slap her. It was worse on the live feed, she was moaning about being fat and ugly. Boo hoo. You forgot thick as shit. I don't care what your IQ test says. Oh my God, I nearly forgot about her trying to nominate Ziggy about three times! Once might be an accident, three times is just careless. Ah, true love.
Gerry is lovely. Don't fuck with him. Totally agreed with his nominations. Trees are shit. Liam is pointless.

Monday, 18 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Kiss n Tell

A very enjoyable BB tonight, I thought. I am still getting to grips with the new boys in the house, but that is fun in itself. Jonathan seems to be trouble: I felt very protective of the twins when he described them as 'deliciously shallow'. Yes Jonathan, and you've got a phenomenal beer-belly, you patronising cunt. I'm sure even they can tell 'shallow' is an insult, whatever way you dress it up. I believe the twins are genuine, and I couldn't stand them at first. You couldn't keep up that act 24/7 and they seemed genuinely baffled by him. Just because he's jaded doesn't mean everyone is. We should rejoice at naivety, I think. Bragging about how loaded he was just showed him up, too.
I believe Nicky that he is making her feel uncomfortable; he did seem to be mentioning her rather a lot, and calling her a 'kindred spirit' in the diary room was a bit much. Seany probably thinks he's a kindred spirit with Wacko, but the moonwalking molester would probably just call him a stalker. Careful there, Jonathan. Still, it's all good telly. Having said all that, Nicky is still a whiny bint, but she looked good in red lipstick.
Brian! Top marks for not trying! Still liking his bumbling stoopidness. Although I caught him having a semi-coherent conversation on the live feed today so they could just be editing him to look the fool- hahaha! Those devilish editors. Ok, not really.
I haven't warmed to Billi, and didn't like the fact he was compiling a hitlist of the girls to bed. He's one of those blokes who's convinced himself he's good-looking just because he's stood in front of the mirror and chanted it repeatedly. Billi, I have to break it to you. It's not worked.
Contrary to what the dim majority seem to think, I hate Liam! I hate his scrunched up face, and my boyfriend said he looks like Jimmy Nail. He also sounds like Jimmy Nail (Liam, not my boyfriend). And he was dissing the twins too! Leave them alone. Twinist.
Charley's showing off in front of him was plain hide-behind-the-sofa cringeworthy. Honestly, someone, put a sock in her. How do they cope with it? I'd cry. 'You've got an attitude problem!' she bellowed at Laura. Charley, my friend, you make Laura-the-grave-robber seem as cheery as Ant & Dec on happy pills.
So, onto the gay snogging. I LOVED it! It's suprising really, because I always find ugly men snogging in public a bit of a turn off (clearly its different if they are good-looking! I'm deliciously shallow, don't ya know). But I felt genuinely touched by it! The arms around the necks! Seany's delightful purple cardigan! Then they did it again! Will they? Won't they? I don't know, but it's a damn sight more interesting than the disintegrating Chanelle and Ziggy sideshow. I feel my views are becoming out of kilter with popular opinion. Hurrah!


Ooh, I could get a job on The Sun with that shitty pun. Clearly I'm the only person watching Eastenders so I feel I have a duty to inform you of the barking goings-on.
In the most ridiculous plot of the year Rob and May kidnapped Dawn and planned to cesarean/ kill her for the baby. Never mind the fact they got divorced last week. Never mind the fact, if they've been planning this all along, it was the most elaborate and hole-ridden storyline on earth which involved living Rob punching May/ living with Keith/ losing his job? None of it makes ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER.
Anyway. At least it was stupid fun. All soundtracked by Embrace! At least it wasn't Morrissey as usual. I don't think he'd have wanted any part of the whole proceedings.
The end was like a proper slasher movie: I half expected May to rip off her face to reveal some monstrous, drooling ogre.
Why didn't Rob just settle down with Dawn? It would have been so much easier.
Still, I quite respected Dawn when she beat him up. You go, girl.
So does this mean no more May? What a shame. She's a convincing villain and I like her (in a weird way). But seriously, how could ANYONE want a baby this much? She'd probably be bored of it in a week.

Sunday, 17 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Brianstorm

There is a much better atmosphere in the house now the new boys have arrived. Proving hair straighteners are not just for girls, they are for ridiculously vain men, is Billi. He must be modelling balaclavas with that conk and those teeth. Seems a man of few words, yet Chanelle seems enamoured, much to the chagrin of Ziggles. I do feel sorry for him, as the cracks widen on his craggy 26 year old *cough* face. The Posh n Becks of the house seem to be on the rocks already with a clingy Ziggy and a paranoid Chanelle seemingly talking to themselves half the time. I give it a week before they are rowing like fishwives. All the new men seem ready to jump in at any given moment and Chanelle's not helping matters, saying 'I really like Billi' three times in the space of five minutes, then prancing round in those skimpy 'I'm single' hotpants. She might as well write 'fuck off Ziggy' on her knickers- just in case.
I like Jonathan and I think he will provide some much needed balance to the house. I appreciated the fact he was trying to prise Carole from the mangling. Incidentally, Tracey's reaction to staying in was very telling, not so cool, after all. Clearly this means the earth to her.
Liam I'm not keen on so far, a flabby beefcake, who just seems too dull for me. I could be completely wrong but not interested at the mo. Did you see that yellow baseball cap?
Brian is the real card in the bunch though, a real comedy character (mostly unintentionally). I LOVE his courtship of the twins; a real meeting of (no) minds. His reeling off long words he knew ('passive' is not that long really) was very amusing. He's definitely a couple of pence short of the pound, but seems genuinely lovable.
They are all bedding in at the moment but give it a couple of days and we could see Ziggy heading for the exit. His ego is more fragile than Charleys. One lingering exchange over the hair straighteners between Billi and Chanelle and he could go Hulkwardly.


Time for one of my shit film reviews. I've never seen this film before and always wanted to. I think it's really hard to write a convincing sci-fi fantasy that hasn't got a million holes in it. I'd love to write something fantastical but it's impossible to do it well, I think. Aliens are such interesting subject matter, though.
I really enjoyed this film, maily due to Kevin Spacey's excellent acting. In a lesser actor's hands I think this film could have been a major turkey. Luckily he handled it perfectly, playing it very understated. That other geezer just played the same role he always does.
The film walked a fine line between schmaltzy and futuristic cool and just about pulled it off. I hate all the 'not-getting-on-with-wife-estranged-son bollocks' but there wasn't too much of it so I could just about cope. I felt genuine disappointment when it looked like he wasnt a spaceman after all, although I did kind of guess the ending. I felt quite emotional but that's mainly because I'm feeling fragile.
I want to see K-PAX! I want to go to K-PAX! If it exists, anyway. Am I ruining the ending? I'm not good at film reviews! I hate reading film reviews. They always ruin it.

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Diary Room Uncut

Bring back the Saturday highlights, you fuckers! I'm SOOOOOO bored!!! My boyfriend has gone to see MUSE at WEMBLEY and I've been stuck here watching loads of rubbish telly.
Anyway, I have an important update for you. I now LIKE Seany. His John Macanroe headband. His hyper-colour T-shirts and Bermuda shorts. His diary room requests are genuinely imaginative and funny. Ziggy just made one of his stupid speeches in the Diary Room and Seany said 'Bored is what you are after listening to Ziggy.' That should definitely have made the highlights. Seany doing up Carole's bra strap, however, shouldn't. He certainly did appear to be gay by the hash he was making of it.
I'm really starting to hate Carole. I never liked her in the first place but I now fucking hate her downtrodden, miserable face, squashed into swimming costumes. She's self-pitying. Just fuck off back home. You're not a rebel. You're a housewife. Congratulations.
Tracey. 'It's all Bisto.' Why are you saying these stupid things? it's just annoying. You're nearly forty. Stop talking like a teenager. I demand it. I do like you, but you try my patience. Must try harder.
Still loving the twins, everything rolls off them. They are really funny. It's nice to see things through simple eyes at times. Similarly with Gerry, he doesn't have a side to him. If you were in there, you could go get a cuddle off him.
I do like Ziggles, but he doesn't half like to moan about 'being the only straight man in there'. Why do I feel, now there are four others, he'll find something else to complain about? He really seems to see men (and gay men) and women as different species. He also says 'very much so' too much.
Listening to Charley in the Diary Room is like when you're stuck on a bus and a thick teenage girl speaks loudly on her mobile to a friend, oblivious to the world around her. Then her phonecall ends and you and all the other unlucky bastards on the peasant-wagon breathe a sigh of relief. Then it goes off again, and she repeats the same stream of rapid-fire nonsense. Frankly, she needs booting off the bus. How Laura and Tracey can sit there saying nothing in the face of that abusive bullshit is beyond a joke. Get a spine and tell her to shut the fuck up. It might shock her into silence.
Chanelle. There is something creepy about adults with teddies. Lose it.
Finally Seany calling the Diary Room chair 'an evil throne'. I love it! Could... Seany... win??? Maybe I'll put a couple of quid on him, his odds are 23-1!

In the Audience: Britain's Got Talent

We went to see the live showing of Britain's Got talent last night- basically I applied for a bunch of tickets for things on Applause Store and got tickets to this, the T4 Wireless Festival show and the good old Album Chart Show. Unfortnately we didn't make it to the Wireless thing because my throat hurt too much today.
But anyway. I have been watching this show a bit and have found it pretty awful for the most part; I hate ventriloquists (I can't even say the word), magicians (except Derren, of course- I'm reading his hilarious book at the moment, he's a genius) and especially little kids. Here you have little kids dancing, telling jokes, and generally being precocious. Not good. But I wanted to see what Simon Cowell looked like in the flesh.
It was filmed in Wembley right near where I used to work (and the setting for my novel actually) so it felt a bit weird to be back there. We queued for about an hour and a half, but we could sit down so it wasn't too bad. The queue was FULL of chavs, it looked like a night down Cinderellas, with the men all preened in their ridiculous cardigans and gelled hair and the girls with streaky highlights and stuffed into leggings (oh shit, that was me actually).
It looked like we might not get in but in the end we did, and got seats RIGHT BEHIND the judges, about three rows back. Not good for me, as I have no desire to be on TV. luckily they filmed it from the sides so you couldn't see us. We were sat right by Simon's brother and girlfriend (very skinny).
It was funny seeing Simon Cowell in the flesh, but he seemed just the same as usual, and was smoking in the breaks. Amanda whatsherface (I've genuinely forgotten) had a nice dress on, and as we could only see the back of her head I wasn't too offended by her ridiculously over-botoxed forehead. Piers Morgan didn't say much. Ant and Dec were just as expected, quite little. There was a comedian 'fluffer' guy on in between who was quite outrageous and was getting the crowd to diss the judges, which was amusing.
The actual show is a lot better when you are actually there. I like the kind of acrobatic stuff that I can't do, and the kid dancers were actually dead cute. I hated the little kid comedian. Brat. The baton twirler guy should definitely have gone through, Simon completely misread the crowd. Boooo!
All in all, a good night out, and I enjoy seeing behind the scenes and how these things work. As it was a live show there wasn't a lot of waiting around either. I hate variety entertainment still, but the acts are on for such a short time it's bearable. The sausage and chips on the way home were marvellous, too.

Big Brother 8: At last it starts

So after another 'highlights' show they couldn't fill (despite all the petty arguing), they decided to stuff some more men in. About time, too. I actually felt sorry for Shabnam for leaving. I thought Carole stabbed her back a little bit about the whole banana issue. I think a few people in that house are quite scared of Charley. I would be. I'd still shout at her though.
Anyway, onto the men. First was Billy, a model, apparently, but with that nose, I don't see how. The worst hair since Seany. It looked exactly like a wig. I fucking hate men who use hair straightners. Could there be anything more emasculating? Didn't seem to have much of a sense of humour, or anything interesting about him. I can't see the girls going for it, so what's the point? Obviously it's early days so let's not judge too early. Ha, just kidding.
Jonathan 'the old guy' seems like an interesting character and could he be the one to stand up to Charley? I think he will be one to watch. PS. He's not going to get off with Carole just because they are old, for fuck's sake. He is a MILLIONAIRE! (How long before he mentions it?)
Liam, the tree surgeon, is obviously the new totty for the bimbos (the twins in particular looked like they'd just discovered a new shade of pink). He seems nice enough, but he's not my type. I think there will be fights over him as he seems quite down to earth and good-looking-ish. Will Ziggy befriend him or kill him? I think he'll keep him on side.
And finally Brian, who makes Ziggy look like he could genuinely be 26, and not early forties. This is the oldest looking 19 year old I've ever seen. He also appeared to have a mild form of retardation. Our worst fears were realised when he walked through the door and said 'Charley!' and she said 'I know him!' An ally for the trap on a stick. Just what we need. Actually, it is just what we need, it might be interesting. He seemed harmless enough, just thick. It is annoying when they all have met before in auditions though, it's not like in the old days when they were all innocent, is it? Conspiracy! Boo!
And then Shabs was gone. Her interview was probably the most annoying in Big Brother history, I just wanted to stick tape over her mouth. Davina was being a total cunt, too.
Anyway. Let the fun/ murder begin.

Friday, 15 June 2007

I Hate My Bald Head

Oh yes, another snappily titled 'documentary' from BBC Three. I love this stuff! I don't know why but I do.
This followed a guy called Robert who went bald at 18 and was now 26. Because he was so bald (although he still had hair at the sides) people thought he was a lot older than he was.
I can sympathise with this problem, having gone out with a baldie in the past, who cruelly, had the most beautiful long hair when I first fell in love with him (he was my older brother's friend). By the time I ended up going out with him when I was about 21, he was bald in a similar way to the guy on this programme. Of course, he looked better with hair, but he was still an attractive man so it never really bothered me, or him, I don't think. It is sad to go bald so young, and I know a lot of men are paranoid about it, but it's not the end of the world. Quite a lot of blokes look pretty good bald. I can completely understand the paranoia behind it though.
Anyway, in this show, the guy investigated different cures, most of which didn't work, and finally had a really convincing wig made. I was very impressed with it actually, it looked really good and you would never have known the difference. I don't think there was any shame in wearing it, it looked decent.
However, after doing some speed dating bald and non-bald, and then putting a bald and non-bald pic on 'hot or not' and seeing what rating he got, it became apparent that people seemed to prefer him bald. Mainly because it was an extrememly flattering photo he put up of himself bald, and the speed dating women were drunk. I thought he looked better with hair.
In the end though, he decided to shave off his remaining hair and set fire to his wig. He did look a lot better totally bald as opposed to 'tufty' and it was good that he finally accepted himself the way he was. He was good-looking anyway though, so I don't think it was really that bad for him. It's harder to pull of a bald head if you're ugly. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Nah.. it's true, isn't it?!

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Hunting for Witches

And so the show stopped being entertaining and instead descended into being exactly the kind of bitchy catfight the producers wanted, except for no fun whatsoever. Is there anything duller than a fight about food? Yes, a hundred fights about food.
The weirdest thing about this lot, is they even attack people on their own side. Literally anyone is fair game to shout at or be rude to. It's mind-numbing, it's annoying and it makes me scream at the telly.
It really is impossible to work out who I hate the most. Nicky for being intelligent, yet the whingeyist (no, that's not a word) contestant in BB's history. Charley for being the thickest and the vainest, topped off with a serving of cuntiness and a complete lack of self awareness. Here is a woman who orders fags instead of food, says that's why she's the thinnest, and then minutes later has a hissy fit because she wants some bacon. Did her brain not compute that previously? Shabnam, for being the most pointless, personality-void fame seeker on earth. BB have given her a platform to promote what? Fortune-cookie theories on life a a fat dose of faux-nuttiness. I genuinely can't work out which of them I want to punch first.
The rest aren't much better. Please, put some more men in. Please. Please.
I can't stand another highlights show of this, and I know we are going to get another cos I saw Charley and Shabs fighting on the live feed today (sound cut, of course). When there is no one to cheer on, what is the point in watching a war unfold? It's just irritating. Even the bit part players are annoying and unlikable. The only ones I can barely tolerate at the moment are Gerry, Chantelle, Ziggy and the twins. Laura is the second most depressing contestant on earth (after Nicky). Carole: gross. Stop filming her in her bikini/ underwear. Tracey- boring. Pull her string, hear her say a stupid phrase. Seany at least has a character, even if it's not his own.
The water fight was funny. Just give them booze, food and some men to flirt with. And gag Charley. Ta.

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

The Apprentice: No bones about it

Well, what a shocker. We were CERTAIN it was going to be Orangeina. I think Alan forgot his medication. All those shots of him looking lovingly at Kristina throughout her presentation. They set us up.
Simon is absolutely useless. He designed a building that looked like a gigantic sex toy. It was perverse. It was a three-way stimulator for a horny giant. An enormous penis. 'I play the joker and the fool.' You don't play it. You are it, you grinning buffoon.
I think Kristina thought she was going to win it, too. She was totally done over. I am shocked.
So where was Katie? Did she not want to come back and lend a hand? Shame.
In other news, I wrote five blogs today. Do you think I got over my internet withdrawal now?

Big Brother 8: The Food Police

Well, well. The fish thing was quite funny and could have bonded them together had they had the slightest bit of stamina about them. But sadly they didn't.
Tonight's show was hard work and made my blood pressure rise. Nicky's constant moaning about food is beyond a joke and she is not being edited unfairly; I watched a lot of the live feed today and all I could hear was her going 'They'll be sorry when the food runs out' and 'I'm not miserable, honest, am I?' YOU ARE MISERABLE. YOU ARE A MOANY BITCH AND YOUR WHINY VOICE GOES RIGHT THROUGH ME. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Let the food run out for God's sake! The world won't stop spinning on it's axis. People will just get hungry and moan. You're moaning anyway. What's the difference?
I even found myself coming down on the side of Charley. Nicky did wind her up and watched her go. If I was Charley I would have stuck one on her. The way Nikki laid into Chantelle over a piece of toast was unbelieavable, and then topped it off by saying, 'I don't give a shit.' Clearly you do! That's why you never stop going on. Seriously, she's worse than Science! I don't think I've seen her smile once. No wonder she's a man-hater, she has probably driven every man she's been with to distraction.
I love Gerry and was annoyed with Tracey had a go at him for nothing. They all talk about nominations. So what? I liked it when he covered the twins ears when the fight kicked off. Carole and Tracey were obviously both really affected by the nominations. It was good to see Tracey let the front down, however briefly.
Ziggy is clearly struggling in the house and I think it's only a matter of time before someone gets a fist in the face. My money is on Charley. I could really relate to her when she went off on one then screamed. Unfortunately she completely blew it when she made the mind-bogglingly immature statement along the lines of 'I'm an east Lahndahn girl and I've got more outfits than she can dream of.' Put some on then.

Britney's mum is deluded.

I try not too get involved too much in the tabloidy stuff in my blog because there's a load of people who do it a zillion times better than me, but I felt compelled to respond to Britney's mum's statement:
"It’s sad that the whole world had to watch Britney make mistakes that all of us have made at one time or the other."
Yes, we've all stayed up all night in Las Vegas, got married to our childhood sweetheart, got it annulled, married a rat faced parasite that everyone told us not to, had two sprogs by him before the age of 25, flashed our cunts, hung out with dopey porno jailbird Paris Hilton and coke-headed STD magnet Lindsay Lohan, shaved our heads, got a load of rubbish tattoos, smashed up a car with eyes like saucers, gone to rehab, then donned an array of ridiculous wigs whilst wearing stupid fishnets and miming to an array of songs that were shit at the time, whilst futilely trying to convince our one remaining fan that it wasn't really us, and it was just a learning curve. And God bless.
Fuck off, Mrs Spears. Some of us were actually given brains at birth, unlike your ropey daughter. Just stop patronising people.

Hot Fuzztival

Last weekend we went to the Hot Fuzztival at the Prince Charles Cinema on Leicester Square which was a really cool day out. And all for free, too! The doors opened at 11am but because it was free we made our way down there early (getting up at 9am on a Sunday is obscene).We were right to though, as there was already a large queue. Some people (realistically, probably only two) had slept there all night. Seriously, I wouldn't sleep on a pavement all night for a gangbang with Josh Hartnett and Conor Oberst (wouldn't that be an odd yet wonderful combination- gorgeous manly boneheadedness and vulnerable, jug-eared beauty) soundtracked by Morrissey doing a setlist of my choice. (well I would, actually). But really! This wasn't like that, so those people were clearly mad.
I wondered how I would cope watching four films in one day (especially films I wouldn't normally watch) but it actually seemed like quite a breeze. I didn't even nap.
The director of Hot Fuss, Edgar... oh fuck, I've forgot his full name, introduced all the films and seemed to be widely loved and admired (I find him a bit smug for some reason, but that could just be me).
The first film on was Hardboiled, a Japanese action flick which was very entertaining, but a bit too long (a bit like Hot Fuzz, so say the critics). The two cops in it were quite sexy, too and I liked the ridiculous aspects to it like him killing people whilst carrying a baby.
For some reason between films they made us leave our seats and queue up again, which was annoying, but we basically sat in the same seat each time so it was completely pointless. It was arbitarily so they could 'clean up' but I saw no evidence of this. And bad luck to the people who queued all bloody night if they lost their seats at the front for the final film hahaha.
The second film was The Last Boy Scout. I enjoyed this a great deal more than I anticipated, although I couldn't understand what Brucey was saying half the time. It was good, mindless fun.
Similarly, the next film was Point Break, also mindless drivel, but great. I used to love it as a kid and even had that Keanu in his wetsuit poster on the back of my door. He was a beautiful man, but a shit actor. I hate Patrick Swayze (that can't be how you spell that), too. Point Break is ace despite it's godawful script. I love it and everyone was laughing at all the silly gay humour. I wish they'd killed that cunt from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it, though. I hate him more than Hitler.
And so, what we'd all been waiting for. Hot Fuzz, with a live commentary from the cast; Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Bill Bailey, that woman from Peep Show and some other people. The main problem, I felt was that the sound was immediately turned down so low that we couldn't actually hear the film at all. If I'd not already seen it, I would have been very disappointed. And because we couldn't hear it, and they couldn't pick up cues from the script, or feed off the laughter (at the film) from the audience, it all fell a bit flat. Most of what they said wasn't very funny, or interesting, it was mainly just pointing out the endless cameos in the film (yawn) and then just talking shit and drinking beer. They didn't even mention the film very much. And when they couldn't think of anything to say there was just silence, and they were like 'is everyone still here?' I think they completely misread the mood of the crowd, who I felt would have rather watched the film and just had them chip in here and there.
I'm not a massive fan of commentaries on films anyway, and there is something a bit self-aggrandising and smug about listening to someone going 'oh this next bit is amazing!' like an annoying neighbour showing you a home video.
I really didn't think I'd feel this way, as I very much like Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, so it's a shame really. There was the odd glimmer of genius, mainly comments by Bill Bailey and the 'seagulling' description (you learn something new every day).
Incidentally I loved Hot Fuzz, and I didn't think it was too long at all, I thought it was great fun. The commentary kind of sucked the fun out of it for me.
On the plus side, they gave us a DVD of Shaun of the Dead, and threw goodies into the crowd, and my hero boyfriend as usual fought off the enemy and got me the goods, so I have a really cool Hot Fuzz bag (and t-shirt) which I am already using as it's huge and my old bag was dirty.
Finally some guy in the audience got on stage and proposed to his girlfriend. I just couldn't help feeling like it was an excuse to meet Simon Pegg. I wouldn't propose to my boyfriend just to meet Conor Oberst. Oh, alright, I would. But I'd cross my fingers behind my back and slip Conor my number for the aforementioned gangbang. It's not really a gangbang with just three, is it? I'd look it up, but this Mac confuses me. Just let me left click, dammit!

Big Brother 8: Older, wiser never applied to me

God, how annoying has it been being off work with tonsillitus the same week my computer goes in for repair? I even went to work this morning (mainly to check my emails!) and was sent home immediately for looking ropey. I have now been signed off by the doctor. Horray. Unfortunately, my throat still hurts. A lot.
On the plus side, I managed to hook up my boyfriend's Mac to the internet. Another day without reading about Paris Hilton on Tyler Durden and I would have killed myself. I missed Charlie Brooker. I missed Digital Spy. How could I form an opinion on Seany without knowing other people's? Hahaha, just kidding. I still miss Last FM because it won't work on this fucking shitty computer. But at last. I can blog.
So, Big Brother. Was it a work of genius putting in two gay guys or was it a smug, short-lived trick by the BB producers (clue: it was the second). Having said that, I think the people they have put in are interesting characters. Gerry is clearly a loveable, flawed hero who will win the hearts of the nation. I can't see him getting angry about anything. Everyone loves a friendly gay man and he is not too cliched (i.e Marco- die). I'm still trying to work out who he looks like but I know it will come to me eventually. Spud-faced Seany, on the other hand, is a whole different kettle of fish. Alarm bells rang when he rolled his eyes at Gerry in the diary room approximately four seconds after meeting him. Laura shouted 'It's a clown, it's a clown!' and she was kind of right: so garishly dressed he must be trying to hide something. When he pulled off Lesley's covers, it was confirmed: Seany was a wrong-un. But since then something interesting has happened. He seems openly affectionate with Gerry. He wants to share a bed with him. Seany is a mass of contradictions, a straight-acting gay man in day-glo and as such, one to watch. Don't get me wrong, I hate him, but he's a good housemate. I just hope he doesn't end up upsetting Gerry. And I hope he does end up upsetting everyone else.
The other housemates reaction to it all was also intriguing. Lesley left and I was glad. She was witty but she was downright rude and she annoyed me at times. Carole could push off too as far as I'm concerned, she's not that funny and the washer-woman thing is a drag. And look at the thanks you get, Carole! Up for nomination. Let that be a lesson to all downtrodden housewives.
Ziggy is a brilliant housemate: what he thinks he portrays on the outside is so far off what he actually is, and it's brilliant. His face gives him away and his constant bitching whilst blaming 'the girls' is laughable. He's the biggest girl in there. Still, I love him. I think he was glad of the gays really. Does he really like Chanelle? For now, yeah he does. Does she like him? I dunno really. I feel sorry for them, they are like a cut-price Romeo and Juliet!
Nicky and Charley are really becoming a drag: could Nicky be the most depressing person on earth? It's a shame as I liked her at first. Charley's 'yeah but no' speeches are funny and I'm glad she's in for another week but only because I want her to punch Chanelle and then get booted out. Laura! You were my pick to win! What a moany old bag she is. I hate her! The girls ARE jealous of Ziggy and Chanelle, otherwise why would the stick their oar in? Just let them get on with it. Mind your own business! I wanted to fucking strangle Nicky when she said 'I don't mean to be condescending but I am older and wiser than you.' What a stupid fucker. I absolutely hate people who say shit like that. Chanelle's mother is a murdered prostitute, Nicky. I think she's been through quite a bit. My mum is twice as old as me, but half as smart. My dad's the same and he can't even spell my name. Older, wiser is bullshit. If older, wiser was true that makes Des O Connor smarter than Stephen Fry. Ich don't think so.
Shabnam to go this week, please God. What an awful, vacuous waste of space. Has never said one word of the slightest significance. 'I'm nuts!' No. Pink eyeshadow does not a headcase make. You're fucking boring. Get off my screen.
What else? Nominations. I thought Gerry was very astute about Tracey. She does freeze people out. I still like her though. She just needs someone to bounce off. I really like the twins now, I think they are really funny, and probably lovely. They will go all the way too as no one will nominate them.
God it's felt good to get all this out. I feel thoroughly purged. Thanks for listening.

Friday, 8 June 2007

The Apprentice: 'Tell me to go right and I'll go left'

How shocked was I that Miss Piggy walked? She did have a heart after all, giving Simon and Orange Woman a fair crack at the final. I was quite pleased by that. I like Simon and Orange Woman. I liked Simon's manic rocking whilst he was in the boardroom and Orange Woman's blue mascara.
So Tre was dispatched. I'm not surprised. He crumbled in the interview. He would have never behaved himself for Alan. He was a bad dog. Funny though.
So what was all the backstabbing for? Why didn't Miss Piggy really want the job? All that effort for nothing? It doesn't make sesne. I can't work it out at all. Did she want the 'exposure'? Exposure of what, that she was a cunt? The only thing she got out of it was having got away without Alan saying 'You're Fired' to her. Big wows.
I think Alan was well annoyed that Katie walked. He totally misjudged the situation. Let's hope he does better next week.
And that my computer is back so I can blog it!
Until then... enjoy the tumbleweed.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Big Brother 8: 'It was a misunderstanding'

So there it was. One word. One little word and bang. I was dreading hearing it, actually. It was a hiding-behind-a-cushion moment. But Charley was right. Words like that don't 'slip out'. Words like that are either in your vocabulary or they're not. A part of your life, or not.
In a way to me it seemed less bad than the transcript. But my boyfriend thought it was worse than he expected. It wasn't really joking. It was to put her down a little bit. I don't think she meant to be cruel. But I don't think she realised the power of the word.
The fact is, Emily has constantly considered herself above everyone in the house. She is intimidatingly beautiful, well-spoken and up until now, smart. Her own arrogance was her downfall.
If you're on the fence as to if Emily should have gone, take a look at the shock on Charley and Nicky's face straight after it was said. They were stunned and hurt. There was something really human in Charley's wounded face that she couldn't hide with words. Emily looked like she didn't give a shit, almost bullying them to shut up and forget it. I don't buy the 'everyone says it round my way' thing. It must have been heavily mentioned in the application process, too. Emily was extremely foolish, if not intentionally hateful.
How weird was it when Charley and Emily rounded on Shabnam? Charley whispered the gossip in Shab's ear, then acted like she hadn't. That was super strange. Charley was clearly scared of Emily and taking it out on Shabs. The way they rounded on her (the weakest person) was plain frightening. It's interesting how both Charley and Shilpa before her tried to cover up for their antagonist.
The bedroom scene where Charley denied that the comment had been racist was very intruging. It took ages for Ziggy to cotton on. (His crying didn't move me either, he's just as bad as the girls, then blames them for making him bitchy) Charley could go far from this whole situation if she plays things well. I'm not sure if she will, though, but I've certainly seen a more vulnerable and likable side to her (for now).
Nicky, miserable as she is, is coming out of things very well. She seems extremely level headed and sensible and fair. She should go a long way.
And so a sleepy Emily was dispatched. I enjoyed seeing the shock on her face when she realised that she couldn't wiggle out of it by going 'It's not fair!' or 'You've edited it wrong'. She did say sorry though, which was to her credit, but I should hope so, too. I feel sorry for her a bit. She is not on the same scale as Jade, or Jo, or Danielle. There was no vitriol in her. Just ignorance.
Emily will be missed by me; her face when something disgusts her, her red lipstick, even her skinny jeans, dammit. I did respect the bitch in her and she's more interesting than at least five other housemates in there. I think she genuinely did like Charley, she just thought she was better than her. Ultimately, she wasn't. Not a nice girl, not a lovely person with a good heart. Good luck avoiding the poison arrows, Emily. You'll need it.

Big Brother 8: Jade's legacy

*My computer was meant to be being picked up today for a repair, but last night I was struck down by tonsillitus for the third time this year, so I couldn't get to work (where it was being picked up). Last night I felt too ill to blog BB although I did watch it (I enjoyed Tracey's mini-rave). Haven't watched The Apprentice yet though, and trying to avoid news about that on TV today is tricky!
So after tomorrow I may not be blogging because my computer is going away for 'seven to ten days'! It's a bit of a bummer as I wanted to blog the whole of BB. Oh well. I'll do a bit at work if something amazing happens.

So anyway. Last nights BB seems redundant as I just discovered Emily has been booted out of Big Brother for saying 'nigger'. So the producers finally woke up.
During Celeb BB I sat at this very computer and watched a clip from the live streaming of E4 of the most offensive language I had ever heard. I saw a deranged woman, face contorted with hate for a woman who had done nothing to her in return. I saw two similar dim-witted people back her up, and some other people who should have known better stand there listening like lemons (which was just as bad). This is Jade's legacy. And the producers did nothing. I was shocked. I genuinely believed they would punish them. Instead the helped Jade. Protected the thick bitch. The bond of trust with BB was gone from that point.
Apparently Emily said something like 'push it out nigger' when Charley was dancing. Word on the net is these are the words to a song. I don't know, I don't listen to puerile music like that. Either way, Emily is paying for Jade's sins. Of course she is. But it is more complicated than that.
Emily claimed to be an intelligent housemate. She has shown snobbery in the house, crass vanity, but no semblance of intelligence. She picked a fight with Ziggy the night before he nominated. Now this. Did she not SEE Celebrity Big Brother? Does she not understand the implications of using this word? On TV, for God's sake? Intelligent she is NOT. Does she think she is just above the rules us commoners adhere to? It's mind-boggling.
There is a wider discussion around this, of course, about the sort of language that is used in rap music, and I noticed Jay-Z was promoting something recently to kick the 'n' word out of rap, as well as the many derogatory words about women. Because it's true, it does make them more acceptable, when it should NEVER be acceptable. It's not like reclaiming the word 'cunt' in my eyes. 'Nigger' is a powerful evil.
The trouble is, when people like Emily say words like this, you get this image of them sitting round Mummy and Daddy's house, saying worse. It's like a poison that infects people and you wonder what is at the core of them. Emily has fucked up big time, far worse than if Chanelle sleeps with Ziggy. In fact, Chanelle will probably be considered a hero if she does. Emily meanwhile, will be known as a racist until the end of time. And we thought we hated Grace. Bloody hell. So well done Emily, for not kissing any boys. Your parents will be so proud.
Yet I still feel had, because Emily was a good housemate. I liked her scheming and shit-stirring. She brought out Ziggy's angry side and we needed to see that. That charming thing is just not convincing. I liked it when she pushed him. But she proved she couldn't play by the rules by tricking his nomination out of him.
More than ever we are seeing in Big Brother what goes on behind closed doors, and if people can't even behave themselves on TV, I realy do dread to think what people say in the privacy of their own homes. It's really disappointing. But not suprising in the slightest. This one is going to run and run...

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Babyliss Wars

BB is still entertaining, but the rot has obviously set in and they are all sick of each other. The hair straightner thing is really annoying. Girls are not divided into the following categories: bimbos, strippers, fat, and vain. Unfortunately BB would have you believe different. Some girls care about culture, politics, science. Some girls have brains and ideas. These girls are not in the Big Brother house.
Rating them was bound to make sparks fly. It gets on my nerves that Lesley is considered intelligent just because she's old. Many old people are less intelligent as me. Even so, Lesley is the smartest in the house. Tracey arguing with Shabnam was funny.
Ziggy is just as bad as the girls. He plays games, bitches, flirts, winds them up. If a girl had pursued a group of guys like Ziggy has schmoozed the girls, she'd be labelled everything under the sun. Conversely, I enjoyed the sexual assault of Ziggy. Obviously this wouldn't work if it was a house full of men trying to pull a girls knickers off. That would be quite wrong.
Emily is a master game player. She slags people then acts innocent. She DOES look down on people. She does say sly things to upset people and then goes 'what? What did I do?' Please. You know exactly what you're doing. But you have undertones of Katie off The Apprentice and that's no good thing, even if you are the best looking.
Chanelle's fake crying, whinging is really boring and she's dull. Laura annoyed me by being a bitch, she's gone down in my estimation. I'm trying to like Nicky, but she doesn't half moan a lot. I mean, I moan a lot, but hopefully I occasionally provide the odd laugh.
At the moment the twins are looking like the most reasonable housemates and that's plain crazy.

Monday, 4 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman*

Well, BB was a bit dull tonight. Nicky didn't even get a party, they just gave her a dumb hat. The dinner dates could have been genius but just turned into a vague bitching session with Zigah smarming all over the laydeez. He's definitely keeping his options open, mainly because Chanelle (I learnt how to spell it at last), bizarrely doesn't seem to fancy him. How can she not? Blonde, Beckham-esque, mildly famous. Match made in Heat. I'm sure he'll turn her head eventually if Charlie doesn't climb into bed with him and wank him off in the meantime.
What else? Leslie: just go home. Shabnam, just go home, you're neither intelligent nor a nutcase, you're a crashing bore.

*this is a Christian Bale reference. Get it?

Sunday, 3 June 2007

Big Brother 8: Trendsetters and Name-Droppers

A very interesting BB tonight, and having the psychology show on before was good because it got me in frame of mind of psyching these babies out. The clash of Charley and Emily was intriguing. Charley: 'When I wear something the next week everyone's copying me'-yes, that's because you are a FASHION VICTIM. Those are the styles all the slags wear, love.
On the indie front, I was surpised to hear that Emily actually INVENTED the trend of wearing skinny jeans! Amazing stuff. 'I don't think people have the balls to wear what I wear.' You're not exactly Bjork in the swan dress, are you, Emily? Can people really be this narcissistic? Slight redemption came when Emily dissed Charley for being a name-dropper. Charley pretending to not know what she meant was classic. So well done Emily, because I wouldn't dare get on the wrong side of that mardy, vain, aggressive, spoilt cow.
Nicky and Charley's row was less interesting, it had been edited so badly I couldn't even tell what it was about. Charley didn't help herself, she just came over as boorish and mean-spirited and her Vicky Pollard-esque speech in the diary room didn't help. 'I don't suck arses!' There's a difference between kissing arse and just having plain good manners. Try learning it and people won't despise you so much. PS. Anyone who repeatedly starts sentences with 'I'm not being funny, but...' can just fuck right off. It's like an alarm bell that says: 'A cunt is about to speak.'
Chanel's no-pants routine worked quite well, and getting her scent on Ziggy's T-shirt was a cunning move. I was slightly disappointed he fancied her, but then I remembered he was in a manufactured pop band called Northern Line ('kind of pop'-no, exactly pop, Ziggy, don't pretend you had rock leanings just because The-Founder-of-Indie-and-the Skinny Jeans trend asked you) so integrity wasn't exactly high up his list of concerns. I'm sure they will make a wonderful, shallow couple. Having said that, they both seem alright. Just bland.
Leslie (Lesley?) is annoying and I hope she does walk but I suspect it's just a ruse to get attention. Just fuck off Leslie. I predict she will still be in the house by Wednesday.
You should have given Ziggy your bed, too. Her call to arms for everyone to 'perform' was also annoying; that's the last thing we want to see.
So, there's not another eviction til Friday? When will they put the other men in? They need to speed things up a bit because all the women (plus one man) is still not that great. A massive part of BB is the flirting and interaction between the sexes. Give us the other men. And make them good!

Saturday, 2 June 2007

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

God, what IS all the hoo-ha about?! It's a book! Just read it and enjoy it, you drongos. I cannot believe all the stuff I've read about this book. The disclaimer at the start is just stupid. If I was James Frey, I'd say, go fuck yourselves then. I write you this exciting book and this is how you repay me! The book is well-written, pacey, and interesting. So he made some or a lot of it up. He changed names in it, too. Who cares? He still recovered from a horrific addiction against all the odds and lived to tell the tale (literally), so he still did more than Oprah ever did, the silly old mare, who can't even give up cakes. If you want a refund for the book I suggest you get your memory erased too because you've taken something from it, regardless, you grasping Yanks.
So yes. I finally read it, ten years after everyone else. Stylistically I really liked it: the flat delivery, the lack of speech marks, the repitition. I thought it was extremely effective and a riveting read, considering not THAT much happens in it really. It made me feel better about my own book which, whilst not autobiographical, relies heavily on you liking the narrator, because bugger all happens.
The account of his recovery, especially at the beginning with all the vomiting and dental work was completely horrific, in a good way. I liked his struggle with the 12 steps, and with God, and the fact he found his own way. His relationship with Lilly was very convincing and touching, and what happened to her was almost too much to bear. There did seem to be a surplus of genuinely good-hearted people in his book, but I was glad of that.
I thought the end was especially brilliant: from Lilly leaving onwards. It was truly shocking when he went to get her back, then his goodbye with Leonard, then going to the bar: they were all really incredible moments that made me cry (on the train- doh!). The end was awful: finding out so many of them were dead was horrible. And I don't care even if they were all fictional, it would still have hurt, because you invest in a book as a reader.
I'd recommend the book to anyone who knows someone who has a serious problem with drugs because the true horror needs to be read to be believed. And I believe it. And it's great. So fuck you, Oprah, you sanctimonious twat.

Friday, 1 June 2007

Big Brother 8: David Fuck 'em

This charming man...
An interesting choice of male, I think. Hunky, looks quite nice in a suit, but still ugly. A bit Beckham-esque but still appears to have half a working brain. A lack of lips but seems a gent. If I was in there I'd avoid him like the plague. It's the only way to retain a bit of integrity.
But 26?!!! He's 26 going on 40. He's either had a lot of sunbeds or he's been on the old happy pills like Tracey. For fuck's sake Tracey, put a bit of slap on. You look like this little rubbery gurning man toy I used to have.
So. Making them pack their bags was a bit cruel. They should have booted someone, it would have been a laugh making him choose. DEFFO! Love it.
As for the earlier show, well Chantel, what a fucking dipstick you have proved to be. I want to get in VIP areas. WHY? Do you want to catch syphillis off Calum Best? You stupid fucker. Is there anything more BORING than money. Yes. Fame. I couldn't think of ANYTHING worse than people recognising me in the street. I'd become a recluse in five seconds. So fame hungry, money-grabbing thick bitches. I'm talking to YOU Charley and Chantel: 'I'd like to have a small job like writing a column.' Writing a column is not a SMALL JOB! You need balls to have opinions. Otherwise you're just Michelle fucking Heaton. Oh, right, you mean a column about FASHUN. Knock yourself out. But. But. It's not really a career if you get it through your sporty spouse. It's not a CAREER if you get it through lying on your back turning a blind eye. Colleen Mcloughin sold her soul to a bunch of octegenarian hookers. It would take more than a fancy handbag to get the image of Rooney being sucked off by a grandma with her teeth out from off my mind. How DOES she sleep at night?
But. You pay your money, you take your choice.
And if you do you're a stupid slag.
How can people not want to earn their OWN money? Charley, I don't think you have a leg to stand on dissing Chantel for being superficial. But I can call the pair of you out and say go fuck yourselves. It's not impressive to be proud of knowing nothing about politics and current affairs. It's embarrassing. You're setting women back fifty years. Just look at Billie. Not taking a PENNY off Chris Evans. And she had to see him naked!!! She's a lesson to you all.
What else? Charley is disappointing- proving herself to be exactly as promised. A spoilt twat. No wonder you hate Chantel, it's like looking in a fucking mirror. Albeit one that drags your hairline up five inches and makes you look like Ant, of Ant and Dec fame. Chantel: get a fringe. Girls aren't meant to have receeding hairlines. You've got a six-head, love.
Peeing in the shower: for fucks sake it's like Hit-n-Run Alex all over again. PEEING IN THE SHOWER IS FINE. It is a SHOWER. It is there TO WASH AWAY DIRTY STUFF. That's the whole fucking point of it. I don't pee in the shower myself. But I do pee in the bath. Hahahaha! Just kidding.
So who will ZIGGY (not his real name, I'll venture) vote out? Leslie and Carole? Too obvious? I dunno. I've watched about three seconds of the live feed and I think he fancies Emily. I know stuff. Truth!