Big Brother 8: 10 Reasons Not to Like Carole

ARGHHHH! Carole is so annoying! She is so damn sanctimonious. I was furious when she was giving Chanelle a lecture, yet seemed to have selected hearing when Charley basically said the rest of the house were her slaves, so tough shit. When Ziggy called her up on it (OK, so I may like Ziggy again a bit) Carole missed the point completely by going 'I didn't hear her say it.' It doesn't MATTER if you didn't hear her say it, Carole. If someone calls me a crap writer, or an annoying gimp, it doesn't matter if I didn't hear them. If they said it, I'd be angry. Got it now, Carole? Good. I also liked it when Ziggy called Charley a twat. Sometimes the simple ones are most effective. The twins did actually look a bit distressed by the arguing today. And what was all that group crying about? Weirdness.
Instant gratification for us anti-Caroleites came soon enough, by a quick skirt round Carole's real house as part of the task. What's this?! It's a fucking grot palace! A five star dump. Charley had to put her hand over her mouth to stop the truth coming out. The silence was uncomfortably wonderful. I loved Ziggy getting a sly dig in. What this proves, folks, is cleaning for Carole is about power: nothing more, nothing less. In the real world, she's happy to live in a house Kim and Aggie would probably condemn.
Big Brother! Give the housemates more booze. I liked the twins looking tiddly in the diary room. I liked Brian getting angry about the honour of Basildon and clucking at Charley. And I liked Chanelle and Ziggy pretend romping in the bed.
BYE CHARLEY. Not long now, my pretty.

Big Brother 8: I'm Not Sorry

Nominations were par for the course really. I think Charley's time IS up. BB can't save her again, it's time for her to take the walk of shame. Chavs of Borehamwood, you'd better roll out those billboards of her beautiful, angelic face.
Loved Gerry's mum wanting to take him to an island (hopefully not to leave him there or bury him) and loved the wigs.
I also LOVED Charley and Chanelle's row! 'Fuck off you bitch!' 'You scruffy little slut!' Brilliant. Charley always hits below the belt 'you look fuck all like Posh Spice!' Harsh. But great. If in doubt, just shout 'fuck off!' I also like it when Chanelle copies Nikki in the diary room. It's good to see someone venting. The twins did their thousand-yard stare. Why don't they walk off? Why don't they shout 'stop it!' I have visions of them witnessing the horror of war as children then making a pact to wipe the memory by shouting 'pink!' until they can't remember seeing babies entrails and feet being blasted into the air and onto dead dogs and their raped owners.
Talking of dogs... Ziggy's orgasmic response to his Molly said more about how he relates to humans than anything else. The dog growling at him was inadvertently hilarious. Aw it was nice when it licked his face though, and he cried. I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Chanelle was a little childish to beat him up about it. She's got the power baton again, though, hasn't she? And she's going to wield it. Until it's Ziggy's go again. In the meantime, Charley is missing a trick if she doesn't come up with some barb about Ziggy's dog to Chanelle.
So in summary, vote Charley, and lets hope for some new housemates. We're going to need a new baddie. And they've got a LOT to live up to.

Big Brother 8: A Break From Myself

So Charley did her usual thing of attacking the world because she was hurt. Far from not being 'bovvered' about the crowds chants, she was heartbroken by it. So she started on Gerry, who was wearing a rather fetching pair of rubber boots. Saying he liked 15 -year-old boys was beyond the pale and her saying 'I didn't know it was illegal' thing didn't really wash. What DOES she have to do to get rubber-booted out of there? If I was Gerry I would have been furious. If it was Ziggy she'd said it to, he'd be going bananas. But because it was Gerry, no one really gave a shit. Carole has proved herself a complete coward, telling Gerry to stop fighting because she's too scared to tell Charley. I think Gerry was completely let down, by Big Brother and his housemates alike.
Obviously feeling a little attention-starved, Ziggy chose this time to throw his toys out of the pram and say he wanted to leave. His manipulating of Chanelle's emotions is unforgivable. Big Brother should pack his suitcase and tell him to hop it.
Carole joining Chanelle and Ziggy in the shower was just horrible. There is something a little bit desperate about that. Not cool.
What else? Liam spoke a few words of wisdom. Did not believe Charley's repenting speech for one second. She'll be off again before you know it. Please can we get rid of her this week? Pretty please?

Big Brother 8: My Party Is Better Than Yours

What a hoot. Big Brother torutured them with Aggadoo and Pass the Parcel and locking them in a room with Nicky, who could start a fight with a newborn baby for looking at her funny. I correctly suggested a snake for her face-painting, but I was shocked she agreed to it. Maybe she's more self-aware than I thought.
Of course this wasn't really a hoot, for them or us. Ziggy looked suitably annoyed. I found Chanelle's singing unintentionally very amusing. She looked pretty in her glitzy dress. She has more genuine charm and kindness than the Zigster.
Brian seemed genuinely affected by Emily using the N word (you dumb-ass Charley, as if he's not allowed to have an opinion on that matter.) and I sensed he may have been the victim of racism in the past. Blunderbus Charley didn't seem to cotton onto this and instead tore shreds off him instead. i was impressed she didn't actually shout: I was willing her to. I love Brian and his touching honestly, I loved his anger and his tears and his brave face in the party room.
Charley could learn something from him. But she won't.

Big Brother 8: Straight up- I'm not being the clown

Oh, but you are. I feel like there's tumbleweed blowing over my blog at the moment but still I soldier on. I'm not a quitter. I will chronicle the adventures in Nobody Land until Davina's last gurn.
Firstly, I really, really HATE Carole. Not dislike; pure hate. She is a fun hater. Admittedly, the twins and Ziggy's fights aren't funny in the slightest but her going 'what was it? what was it?' about the mystery substance smeared over Amanda's face was really disturbing. Who cares what it was? It's not yours. It's not your house. You're not their mum. JUST FUCK OFF! My favour for Ziggy almost wobbled upwardly until he decided to confide in Charley again: if he had any guts he'd say 'I'm not discussing my relationship with Chanelle with you.' Instead he always throws her a fucking bone. It's no wonder Chanelle is going out of her head. I don't buy all this, 'you hate her more than me' stuff. Ziggy used to hate Charley JUST as much as Chanelle. Until Charley lied that she was popular. Then Ziggy was revealed.
Oh and wasn't that interesting, Charley admitting she exaggerated about the Charley-love at the eviction! I thought she may have genuinely believed it, but no, she's fully aware she talks shit. She can't even plead ignorance as a defence.
Talking of ignorant, Brian made me cry with laughter when he talked about Big Brother hitting puberty. I know he's a popular choice, but he might be overtaking Gerry for me as a pick to win. I get annoyed when Gerry can't pronounce his 'h's.
PS. Nicky, you do deserve to be up. PPS: You also deserve a shovel in the face.

Big Brother 8: I Know It's Over

Hands up who didn't want to knock Charley's teeth out as she rambled on incessantly about her star treatment at the hands of the Big Brother eviction crowd? Honestly, I would not have been surprised if she'd said that Davina had personally rolled out a red carpet for her and asked her where she got her pants (off Chanelle's arse by the looks of things). Does Charley really believe it? Who knows? I do know you'd have to have the patience of a saint not to shout 'SHUT UP!' in her braying, braggy face.
What about all the horrible things CHARLEY said in the chair with Davina? She dissed Ziggy's highlights. Had a go at Chanelle. But this gets forgotten. The injustice of the whole situation is enough to drive you to distraction. Even Liam was kissing arse a little bit. Notice how when they hear 'get Charley out' shouted over the wall they spare her feelings? She'd be in there with a fucking loudspeaker passing on the news with glee. So well done to Gerry and Chanelle for still daring to hate her even if we, the British public, have decided to crown her as our next monarch.
My congratulations cannot extend to Ziggy, however. Yes, I have a confession to make, my love affair with the Zigster ended tonight. I always took his flakiness and bullshit before as him genuinely wanting to do the right thing, or at least look like he was. And I always thought he had his heart in the right place, despite his vaguely Neanderthal views about women and dating. But I cannot defend his behaviour tonight. When he said 'get over yourself' to Chanelle I actually wanted to throttle the vain, pompous cunt. He wouldn't know how to 'get over himself' if Donny Tourette was there to give him a fucking leg up. Chanelle had every right to be pissed off about that, and he was bang out of order to say that in front of everyone. Kowtowing to Charley now he mistakenly believes she is popular is just sickening, and proves that he will literally say whatever makes him look good at the time. To top this off, he continues to string Chanelle along. Bless her, she is going to be so furious when she leaves the house and realises he isn't the be all and end all, he's just a smarmy user. I felt genuinely sorry for her tonight. I would LOVE a Charley vs Chanelle head to head.

Big Brother 8: Hell Yeah

Well, that was pretty good. That was absolutely fascinating. The interview was unnecessarily weird and the fact that Charley failed to read a hundred signs saying 'this is a fake eviction' was fairly unsurprising.
It was all worth it for Ziggy and Chanelle's face alone. Chanelle looked strangely beautiful in her horror. Charley going from apologetically demure 'I'd fade into the background' to 'do you wanna go back in?' 'HELL, YEAH!' was brilliant. She looked truly evil. When she came in and started running her mouth like a demented chatterbox, it was fucking amazing.
It dawned on me that this whole thing was designed to turn things around for Charley, but Charley is not capable of realising this, and working it to her favour. Instead she is like a demented, wobbly-headed dog, just going on and on and on until oblivion.
The weirdest thing was, she actually looked genuinely embarrassed when they showed clips of her being angry. I actually thought she might change her ways! Silly me.
As for the rest of the show, politicians wearing Lacoste, duvets that can be seen from space, and Chanelle begging Ziggy to come back to bed. All good fun.
I think Charley's return will drive Ziggy and Chanelle back in to eachother's arms.
Beware Sam, Liam, Ziggy, Chanelle.
Thank your lucky stars Brian and Carole.
Everyone else: fucking duck. A war is about to break out.

Big Brother 8: What's Gluttony?

How can you go through life not knowing basic English? I really do despair. The seven deadly sins task was quite good but I was waiting for them to wake Laura from her sleep and poke her with a cattle prod. Maybe tomorrow.
I thought Carole picked the right people for the sins in the most part. Nicky and Laura are utterly miserable; do they ever laugh? Just treat it as a joke, it's just a game, for God's sake. Tracey's face said it all and her 'it's phat' thing said in a menacing tone really didn't fly with me. You're greedy. Deal with it.
Carole dealt with the jelly bean situation with all the tact and maturity I've come to expect from her: i.e. none. What a muppet. I also thought she should keep her nose out about Laura's dressing gown. Who cares if she hasn't washed it. It's her body. if she stinks, just don't go near her.
Amanda handled the hotdog thing very well- I wouldn't have lasted five seconds in that outfit. The clip of Sam pushing her over and abandoning her on BBLB was genius, there was a genuine look of hatred in her eyes, hahaha. Ziggy handled the gluttony thing with class- no need for the sixhead and the demon twins to torture him further by singing inane ditties outside the window. Give the poor man a break!
Charley dealt with her task better than I expected, and I felt her pain as she hid in the bedroom from all the awful singing. She did look quite cool with her cap at a jaunty angle and an orange vest. I bought an orange vest today, though, so I may be biased.
And did my ears deceive me or did Ziggy say 'I love you' to Chanelle at the end? I rewound it four times on Sky and I can't work out what else it could have been. Shock horror. I do feel he is too good for her, even though her is flaky and manipulative at times. I can't quite wipe that 'I wanna be a WAG' speech she made out of my head. If he'd been around to see that, maybe things would have been a bit different.

Big Brother 8: We're psychopatic

Again I watched Big Brother half an hour ago and already the memory of it is fading from reach like smoke. Jonathan wants to leave. Jonathan makes the same speech fifteen hundred times. Ziggy want to leave because Charley called him a pervert, although we don't know why, because of the disjointed editing. Ziggy thinks his family will be upset. Why? ARE you a pervert? Do they THINK you are? For God's sake don't your family know you? Actually, they probably don't. Because we don't. Flouncing off because Jonathan praised Charley, then saying she's good for the house later in the day. For God's sake, it's no wonder Chanelle can't trust you.
Another crap edit and we have no idea why Charley and Billi are arguing. They get sent to the 'happy room' but are too thick to realise it's meant to annoy them. Carol moans. Laura is in bed. God save me. It's so boring.
I enjoyed the twin telepathy task, but wasn't convinced of it's authenticity. Still, the scissors paper stone thing was a bit mental. Telepathy is cool. Corned beef cake aint.
And so today Jonathan didn't leave. And will therefore be forever ridiculed. What a chump. He really does talk utter bollocks. Ooh the Ivy. I forgot to put my could-give-a-fuck hat on. Ooh here it is. OK, now I'm impressed. Fancy food? Expensive food! Paid for by your boss! Oh my god! How exciting!

Big Brother 8: Don't Piss on my Patch

See, I go along liking Ziggy and then he says things like this. Sigh.
The age talk continues. 'I'm older than you!' 'But I've lived five more years...' 'I'm twice your age..' FUCK OFF. Stop talking about it! It's stupid! Honestly, next it will be 'I'm 26 and three quarters!' Zip it, Zigsy.
Not much to say about BB tonight: there is something strangely unwritable about the characters at the moment. The fight was very funny, first Charley vs the young lovers, 'You're a mug!' then Charley vs Billi which was particularly good. 'Model? You're a model for the blind! You fucking div!' Brilliant. Shifty eyed Billi couldn't quite compete with the mega trap calling her 'a fucking bitch'. One thing's for sure, Charley doesn't need a man to defend her honour. Even Gerry admitted he was scared of her! Ha. Love it. I do like a good old barney. Liam the 100K man, meanwhile, dredged the pool. What a deserving trouper.
They totally deserved to live on slop after welching on the sleep task. Brian's diatribe in the diary room was very funny- I like laughing at the yokel. Him pushing the twins round in the garden- you're looking round for the babysitter, aren't you? It's frightening that these people can vote or breed. It's frightening that these people exist. But it's alright. They're in a little box, safe (for now).

Big Brother 8: Sunglasses Indoors

So whilst I was away you fucked up, didn't you? One weekend, up to my elbows in mud and you let Seany go. Even after he gave Charley an early bath whilst wearing a shell suit. You fools. His interview was quite heartbreaking. Poor Gerry. No gay sex for him. I absolutely hate it when the one I want to stay gets the boot, but it has to happen occasionally: if you agree with mainstream public opinion the whole time you end up listening to The Kooks or something. So now we're stuck with OCD Grotbags and an increasingly creepy Jonathan: I hope I misheard him saying he wanted to crack one off over the twins tonight. Good choice, great British public.
BB seemed to go mildly surreal in my absence: the Ziggy/ Chanelle break-up/make-up was plain strange (even the camera angles were moody, like in Eastenders) and could have been alieviated at any point simply by Chanelle saying 'I don't fancy Billi.' But she didn't. And have they shagged? If so, why didn't we get to see?
Billi seems inherently evil as well as ugly and we're hoping in my household they replace his picture with a boss-eyed one. I like Zigs more and more now he has this sexist, vain nemesis with none of his charm. Surely Billi must know game players never prevail? (see Nasty Nick/ the Jungle cats). Ziggy was right, don't trust people who wear sunglasses indoors.
I was both amused and confused by Charley and Brian in the caravan: what on earth was that dirty talk/ wanking off thing about? Did he really wet himself or was it something else? He's a comedy character for sure but he MUST have been joking about not knowing who Shakespeare was. That's like not knowing that the earth is round. I enjoyed Charley bouncing off him too, she makes me laugh a lot when she's not doing her super-fast yappy arguing. We might as well enjoy her whilst we can, she'll be hung out to dry soon enough.
Nicky and Liam is doomed to failure, of course. But that's alright. The monotone voice their children would have doesn't bear thinking about.

Big Brother 8: Nominations (not) for the Nation

Ok. It's quite simple. You know that person who stands in the middle of the room, yapping like an angry dog, frowning into the mirror and bragging about how much her shoes cost? SHE IS THE ONE YOU NEED TO NOMINATE. You know, because she's horrific to live with? You thick wankers! Do i have to come in there myself and drag her out? All this 'I appreciate you because you're straight down the line' stuff Carole was spewing is utter bullshit. So if I stand in front of you and shout in your face, you are appreciative of my honestly? That's masochism. Congratulations, you're a pervert.
The noninations were silly as well as ridiculously epic. Nicky the whinger escaped. I liked the fact Charley said Nicky has the permanent hump. Too, too true. Jonathan might be over before he began. Keep him in for the 'how much do your boots cost again?' comment to Charley alone. Pure genius. Seany! I like him now. Please don't vote Seany out, folks. I like his sparkly clothes! Don't you want to see gay sex in the house? Homophobe!
It's got to be Carole. I implore you to vote Carole. What the hell was all that about at the end of the show. It was edited so badly I did not have the slightest clue what was going on. What did Nicky DO exactly? I still don't have the slightest clue. I like the fact Jonathan tried to use it as an opportunity to get closer to Nicky. Carole is unpleasant to look at, and the house would be more relaxed without her. She's like the mum who starts vacuuming on Saturday morning to get you out of bed.
In other news, I found Chanelle's little tantrum about as endearing as waking up next to Tracey. You could just see Ziggy wanting to slap her. It was worse on the live feed, she was moaning about being fat and ugly. Boo hoo. You forgot thick as shit. I don't care what your IQ test says. Oh my God, I nearly forgot about her trying to nominate Ziggy about three times! Once might be an accident, three times is just careless. Ah, true love.
Gerry is lovely. Don't fuck with him. Totally agreed with his nominations. Trees are shit. Liam is pointless.

Big Brother 8: Brianstorm

There is a much better atmosphere in the house now the new boys have arrived. Proving hair straighteners are not just for girls, they are for ridiculously vain men, is Billi. He must be modelling balaclavas with that conk and those teeth. Seems a man of few words, yet Chanelle seems enamoured, much to the chagrin of Ziggles. I do feel sorry for him, as the cracks widen on his craggy 26 year old *cough* face. The Posh n Becks of the house seem to be on the rocks already with a clingy Ziggy and a paranoid Chanelle seemingly talking to themselves half the time. I give it a week before they are rowing like fishwives. All the new men seem ready to jump in at any given moment and Chanelle's not helping matters, saying 'I really like Billi' three times in the space of five minutes, then prancing round in those skimpy 'I'm single' hotpants. She might as well write 'fuck off Ziggy' on her knickers- just in case.
I like Jonathan and I think he will provide some much needed balance to the house. I appreciated the fact he was trying to prise Carole from the mangling. Incidentally, Tracey's reaction to staying in was very telling, not so cool, after all. Clearly this means the earth to her.
Liam I'm not keen on so far, a flabby beefcake, who just seems too dull for me. I could be completely wrong but not interested at the mo. Did you see that yellow baseball cap?
Brian is the real card in the bunch though, a real comedy character (mostly unintentionally). I LOVE his courtship of the twins; a real meeting of (no) minds. His reeling off long words he knew ('passive' is not that long really) was very amusing. He's definitely a couple of pence short of the pound, but seems genuinely lovable.
They are all bedding in at the moment but give it a couple of days and we could see Ziggy heading for the exit. His ego is more fragile than Charleys. One lingering exchange over the hair straighteners between Billi and Chanelle and he could go Hulkwardly.