Friday, 31 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Proper Little Hussy

Elvis Live's! Sign-writing not the crowd's speciality.
How many times do you think Noirin is going to say 'friends' in her eviction interview? My boyfriend said 57. I guess 36.
Have fun! Have fun! Have fun! Maybe the Noirin-bot has a malfunction. She is broke without the hoodie. Do you think she'll get evicted with that hoodie on?
Has a statement ever meant anything less than 'it is what it is'. It's right up there with 'I'm going to be myself.'
LOVING the housemates revolting against Norrag. Leg over! Well, it is true.
Noirin having a go at someone for being chaste. Hira? Who-ra more like. Charlie is a good judge of character as ever. He would have been first in the line making lampshades out of Jews.
It's all good! Glad Siavash took Noirin to task. Can't believe Noirin said she was in love with Spring Break. Siavash looked like a cowboy on acid. Friends! Friends! Friends! Siavash why can't you be friends with Noirin and Spring Break, they are innocent! Tell her to stick her storyline up her arse. It is what it is. ARGH!
Marcus doing the cowboy instrumental! He's funny as fuck.
Friend! Why do you feel so guilty, Noirin? Because you are Beelzibub. Do you know that?
Bea's hair has grown ten inches again! That's magic.
Charlie! Fake. That scene with Isaac and David talking about Grease was quality. David thinks Grease is real life! He's off his 'ead. 'We just dance it out.' OMG. We laughed very hard, but I think we're drunk.
I love that Erasure song! Meeeeeeeeeee!
Isaac has got a Bea in his bonnet. He's a professional reality TV show contestant. Boring! Why should we give you 100K, you dullard? You don't get the English way. We pretend we don't WANT the money.
Christ even Rod & Charlie are giving it the 'friends' schtick. Zzzzz.
Stinky-top gate! Bea is insane. But I think I like it. Noiring should be ashamed of herself. Her speech was GOOD. Frat dude! LOLZ. 'He seems like a right noddy'- lump of Americanised arrogance' so why do you fancy him? Bea confuses me because I half hate her/ half like her but either way she's a good HM.
I enjoyed the towel protest. Rock n roll! Even SOPHIE is on Marcus's side! 'I want Marcus so badly'. WHAT!? Fuck a duck. I love it. Whatever you say about Marcus, he's a good housemate. Charlie, by backing no horses, you become nothing. Charlie; you're a WEASEL! He's such a shitstirrer, that is his stock in trade. 'I thought you knew...' you lying little bastard. You're about as close to winning this as you are to rimming Rodrigo. Don't forget this, people. Don't forget what this man is made of. Hira; you're a spineless little cunt.
Rectum tree?! WTF. It's raining arse. Yeah, ever since you arrive, Spring Break. Yeah well done, Charlie, you just aligned yourself with the devil.
Lisa, 'I should have said this'- why didn't you then?! She's a lot of bluff and bluster.
I don't think Noirag even said goodbye to anyone. Heartless bitch. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Not one cheer! Good.
Now if only Davina had the wherewithal to tell Noirin exactly what we think of her. But do you think she could?
Fuck, not even cheered in the studio! Noirin, you done bad.
'Friends' count: 4
'Still in love with my ex boyfriend': 2
Isaac not gonna stay? Why is he still in there then? Why didn't he walk out with her?
Jo Wiley aint exactly gonna stick it to her, is she? I aint even gonna comment on Toothy.
Noirin was unrepentant! 'Not socially aware'- please. She aint an idiot.
Oh Davina, you useless, useless piece of crap; this was your one chance to do a Makosi on her, and you let her off gently. Noirin barely said a word during that interview. Totally off the hook. 'Mixed messages' isn't strong enough condemnation.
'Words only count for 7% of a message'- BULLSHIT!
RIP the Hoodie. Noirin can go fuck herself. Oh, and Davina.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Ironic and Moronic

My friend went on holiday to NY and used my blog as BB catch up when she came back! Just as good as torrents, and infinitely better that BB's official tweets they are doing instead of live feed now. It's the equivalent to going into space, then a decade later trying to sell us the trapeze as a viable alternative.
Noirin to Siavash: 'I don't give a fuck about things that don't matter, because the next day they really don't matter.' Just like you. Ooh, she was still kissing him on the lips that morning!
Bea is begging for a chance to have a go at Lisa. Just begging for it! Pinky and the Brain! LOL.
I laughed more at the boybands in the task, Sophie looked cute in the wig.
Fish n chips! OMG Noirin's casual snogging of Siavash with the knowledge we have was just sick-making. Mind you, who is Bea to comment on it? She's got ulterior motives! Oh and listen to her commenting on it! Thought she wasn't interested in talking about other people's business- MUCH! Then laying into Lisa! She is a super-bitch. She makes Lisa look a spent force.
Then slagging off Lisa for being on the dole; class wars! Not everyone has a pony, Bea, and if you've got that much cash, get your fucking teeth fixed, love. (Most of what she said WAS true, though, hehe).
David has become our new favourite housemate, just due to his mind-blowing idiocy and the joy of doing impressions of him. 'I like dancin'/ car-booting/ sleeping' (delete as applicable).
I LOVED the reaction to Isaac's entry 'Fuck the new housemate, now where's those fucking chips?' I've never seen a less warm welcome! Marcus kept his head down low! Siavash looked beleaguered.
No chips for Siavash? Not even a sausage in batter? Bless! Good old Freddie, eating his chips on the bench (and laughing heartily!)
Isaac has no fucking right to say a word to Noirin about Siavash; isn't he her EX?! Noirin is a serial apologiser. Daddy may be back, but he's an arse, and a control freak by the look of that.
Siavash has got his comfort jacket on. Out comes Marcus, smug as you like. 'Looking like a fucking horrible person and an idiot in the space of a week.' Marcus and Freddie both laughing! Cruel!
At least Isaac tried to come out and make the effort, or was he just marking his territory? Ooh Freddie doesn't like him! Lisa and David crowing in the diary room! Funny.
Noirin could really have got off her arse and spoke to Siavash, the selfish cunt. Then laughing about stamping on someone's heart. She is a piece of WORK. I hope Isaac fucks her over good and proper. She is the most despicable Big Brother housemate there's ever been, and she has got COMPETITION!
I can't believe Isaac had to tell Noirin they should sleep in separate beds. What is she going to do next, stick her tongue down his throat in front of Siavash, whilst chirping 'friends! fun!'
She DOES owe you an explanation, Siavash. She really does.
Bea is BRAVE taking Noirin and on. She looked DISGUSTED. Isaac is just a steam-roller. I liked him telling Bea to butt out, but at the same time, she and everyone in that house are entitled to an opinion on the situation, whether he likes it or not. I liked it when he got all irked and started spinning round on that chair. Bea, you DID pass judgement, and I'm glad he called her out. 'I'm down to be friends with you' sounded like a total threat. Then Bea apologised! Sucka. Is Bea Noirin's closest friend? I think I'd rather be friends with Marcus. Bea should have just fronted it and gone, 'you disgust me Noirin, you heartless bitch, and as for you, meat-head, shove your Spring Break up your arsehole' and it would probably win her the show.
Siavash should have walked in a way, but Bea was right, it's not a good a legacy. I don't blame him for not wanting to sleep with them in the same room.
Yay to Rodrigo calling her out! I love Rodrigo. Arguing whilst cleaning his teeth! That's dedication.
How come Marcus gets away with all of his behaviour and gets to ride the high horse? Give that tattoo a trim. Keep it in your Big Brother brain (whatever that means)!
Anyway, it's all good, apparently.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Big Brother 10: 'Noirin- Stay.'

Interesting that Lisa doesn't really dare stand up to Bea. Because Bea could take her in a battle of the words. But Bea is a dickhead as well, so either way you lose.
Did Bea have ten inches of her hair cut off? Noirin's in her hoodie again. It's better this way. When she wore that new one once I didn't know where I stood.
Oh Freddie, you spazz, women (in general) don't get sexually frustrated after a week. Maybe she doesn't like being watched/ judged/ dictated to about eggs. Freddie is as deluded about women as Marcus. In fact all the straight men in that house are insane. Freddie, if a woman fancies you, she doesn't tell you off for being sleazy. She likes it when you're sleazy.
How come Noirin's hugging Marcus now? Oh bloody hell. I can't... keep... track. Now Marcus falls back into his telling Noirin off role. It really is Groundhog Day.
Task- zzz. Marcus and Lisa's ceasefire is weird. Maybe they'll end up best chums?
Siavash and Bea; yawn! Another showmance. Bea is actually quite a piece of work. She's more corrupt in a way because she pretends she's innocent. At least Noirin admits she's Satan. Bea is just chief shit-stirrer.
Siavash is right that Bea and Freddie aren't pro-him and Noirin, on live feed the other night they ripped them to bits and Freddie essentially just said Siavash was after an OK deal. I think even OK might balk- maybe Take a Break would be interested? Bella?
It looked like Charlie deliberately knocked that DVD player off to me. I wouldn't put it past the little shit.
We really need more sympathetic characters. I hate all these wankers. What has it really got to do with Siavash that Noirin and Marcus are up for the chop? He likes being the bad guy, he likes the role he's created for himself. It's a shame; he was a solid contender before; he's been revealed as a bit weak and a bit sneaky.
Noirin complaining about being nominated; what do you fucking EXPECT? And so what if Freddie nominated you (I can't remember if he did) but I remember YOU nominating HIM after he got your marker pen glasses removed (oh and I was thinking about the stupid glasses thing; remember how ruthless Noirin was when she chose to do that, she said 'I've worked hard to get here' and the she was just mute for two weeks. Now look at her!)
Hmm, bad atmosphere in the house. Bloody Bea calling Freddie a drama queen! She's the drama queen. I hate her, she's insidious, basically hinting to Siavash and Noirin that Freddie was talking about them. Well so was she; I saw her. She fancies Siavash; she doesn't want space. She's just being an arsehole. If you want to go to sleep, say 'I'm going to sleep' to Freddie. I thought you were meant to be intelligent?
Why are people in that house always forcing hugs on people who don't want them?!
Wow, what a depressing Big Brother. And now they are bringing Noirin's boyfriend in! It'll be Fight Night Two, Marcus or Siavash will walk (I would) OR it will all be a damp squib. But it can't be any worse than tonights show. I'm off to slit my wrists, Sree stylee!

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Here to Have Fun

The Noirinvirus has the hoodie of doom on again. Another scalp is going to be leaving it's owner!
Noirin, you twat, stop CUDDLING AND KISSING YOUR FRIENDS WHO FANCY YOU. Are you thick? You're not thick, that's the weird bit. OMG then she said she didn't want Bea to cuddle Siavash! She really is taking the mick now. You can't have your cake, eat it, stamp on it, piss on it, then refuse everyone else the rest! You can't!
Bea to Noirin: 'You are a conundrum.' Minus the o,n,d,r, second u, and m. Plus t.
LOL Bea nominated conversation killer David. Everytime someone is having an interesting chat on the live feed, out comes David to talk a load of horseshit about something dull. He's killing that programme singlehandedly. At least she took one for the team (i.e. the viewers) and voted Lisa. Bea, it's not manipulatable, it's malleable.
Would have liked to have seen Charlie's reasons for nominating Noirin and Siavash, is that too much to ask, BB?
David nominated Marcus! Boo. He provides approximately 382874832754893 times more entertainment than you. He can't converse with you because it's like talking to a fucking parsnip. You're useless! Why do we have to hear his nominations? They were drab. Ooh, he likes car boot sales though.
Come on Hira, prove you're worth something. Oh. You voted Marcus. At least he's awake at night, you dull bint. Hira, good judge of character; and 'good friend' to Noirin apparently. I have honestly never seen the pair of them speak, and I watch a couple of hours of live feed per night.
Would Marcus care about someone being a flirt in the house if he DIDN'T fancy them? No. Therefore his speil about looking out for Noirin is misleading. Is Bea manipulating Marcus by pretending to understand him? Maybe it is she playing the game, not Noirin.
Ooh Freddie nominated Charlie and Lisa! Would like to have seen that also. Denied!
Well done Siavash, you dumped a woman willing to have sex with you for a woman obsessed with cuddles. Nice move. (Haha, he said this word for word later)
Ha, Marcus nominated Noirin for being mean to Hira and Sophie. NOTHING to do with Siavash. Honest.
Oh Bea fuck off to the big green gathering with your threesome. Go plant a tree, and hold someone's leg for them whilst they have sex with someone else, you moron.
Noirin, 'friend' count whilst nominating: five.
Marcus VS Noirin! Now THAT'S an eviction! I guess Noirin will go, because she is female, and she has been naughty, but I'm sure Marcus will give her a run for her money.
What does Freddie like training lovers in? I don't like it when he goes pervy and starts hmming but Bea is a prize bitch. You can't blame him for getting the wrong end of the stick in a way. At the same time, she's not obliged to fancy him, but no need to call him sleazy behind his back.
What's the difference between spiritual free love and randy free love? At least randiness is honest. Spiritual is just a scented candle and a fucking dreamcatcher. Grow up, Bea.
David is apparently 27/28? Is he fuck! He looks as old as Lisa! Can you follow the train of this conversation: 'I love Vivienne Westwood, I'm not a religious person, I am a Catholic, but I worship her so much.' Is Vivienne Westwood the new Pope? Lisa's face was actually quite funny.
Ooh Marcus put his toe back in the Noirin acid! Sssssssssssssssfriendssssssssshavefunsssssssouch!!!!! That shit stings.
Oh god, David and Bea talking dancing again! Great stuff.
Siavash was enjoying the Marcus thing. But then I don't believe Marcus was asleep. Still, why not make him squirm.
Hold on, if Bea already said the teaching lovers thing, how could it be bad for Freddie to repeat it? She's old fashioned when she wants to be. Oh dear, Freddie still didn't get the message though- 'you would be over my shoulder and into the bedroom like that'- is that whether she likes it or not?!
Oh God, Noirin is rating lovers now. Is there no depth she can't plunge to? I'll be sorry to see the back of her though. The girl is nuts. She has made this series.
Oh and a snog with her good friend Siavash to say goodnight. Mixed messages? Moi? That hoodie is like fucking heroin in that house. Believe.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Toad Wars!

How brave Tom was to sum up a bunch of people he'd been watching on TV for a month, and walk out. What a guy. Particularly cruel to Sophie; Kris hasn't actually done anything, as far as I know, except be his douchy self that she fell in love with. I'd look at Tom if I was her and wonder what exactly his opinion was worth. BYE.
I also don't like everyone thinking it's a shit year and wanting to walk. It's actually been a very interesting year, even if BB is essentially leaving them to rot. Did like Tom dissing David though; David makes Sophie look like a genius, he's so pig-thick.
The trilogy of hoodie-worship lingers on. Liked Marcus and Noirin barking 'shut the fuck up' at each other yesterday.
Why is Lisa still in that house? They should just do a Hira edit on her, invisible ink stylee!
Marcus would know the difference between a frog and a toad... or would he? Ah, he wouldn't. He is such a fuckin' know it all! His faux-rebellion against BB was just sad, really. The matrix is crumbling! Mind you, I hate all the token nonsense, it's boring as fuck. I couldn't give two shits if Noirin gets to straighten her hair, or if Charlie gets a shower, could you?
Oh God, Bea 'you're struggling to take 100% responsibility for your actions' STFU you drippy twat. I can't stick her! Tom was right about her; everything is stage managed. Who the fuck is she to tell him off? She's not his mum. Go wash your hair with spirituality instead of a token, you pretentious dimwit. Marcus 'took a stand' against tokens! Hehe. Rawk!
Natterjack toad! LOL. I've just googled it, and Marcus is WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Can he ever accept it? Will he? Perhaps it's his personality that's identical to the one in the outside world that got confused. Bringing up Adrian Mole as a line of defence just shows how low he's sunk. What next, Jossy's Giants called to the witness stand?
Marcus trying to reason with BB as if they were all friends was tragic! You're not the matinee idol, Marcus, you're the fall guy! Don't you get it? He doesn't get it, does he.
I want Bea to re-evaluate her coping strategy and stick it up her arse, the patronising bitch. She was bludgeoning Freddie into submission! He looked like he'd been sobbing. Aw Freddie won me back round again today! He's lush. Glad he stuck up for Marcus.
I liked Marcus giving Bea a hug; I don't think she wanted to hug him, so I appreciate she knew he needed it more than she did. She's not ALL bad.
Sophie is right; at least she (and all the other people he named freaks) stuck it out, unlike Tom and Kenneth, the supposed 'real men of the world'.
Noirin gave Siavash's helium breath the BRUSH OFF! How long before he joins Marcus on the subs bench? I give it three days, max before they are sitting tearing chunks out of her, going 'bro's before ho's'.
Hahahaha, Siavash: 'what do you think of me and Noirin, honest odds?' Bea: 'Not great.' Siavash: 'Shit. Bit too honest.' Hahahaha! Don't ask then! Bea is blunt! It serves him right a little bit though. I feel sorry for his girlfriend.
Watching Siavash realise what the situation was I felt quite sorry for him. You threw it away for nothing, mate. Noirin: 'it's not a big deal.' Heartless! She was even smiling!
'What you talking about... there's no us.' I could almost feel the dagger in his heart. It's not actually fair to steal someone's boyfriend and treat them like that. Do it for the love of your life, who you just HAVE to have. But not just for a game, Noirin. It's not nice.
Noirin is a player. Siavash got played. Are you still having FUN with your FRIENDS, Noirin?
It's a cruel, cruel world.

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Big Brother 10: I feel like Jesus Christ

Marcus has got his camo-gear on! Bring on the war.
I have been bingeing on live feed the last two days, and Marcus is a broken man. His Noirinanny has collapsed and even all the chat about the Matrix/ computer games and the 'Big Brother brain' aren't going to get him off the hook (t.m. Maxwell RIP).
I like Siavash and Noirin sneaking around; it's making them more interesting. I like the fact they are blatantly enjoying it; it's quite interesting to watch someone throw caution to the wind in such a cavalier way, especially after Siavash so carefully stage-managed his image up to that point.
I don't like the way Tom has kind of staked a claim on Noirin without hardly ever having spoke to her. Going to Siavash 'I bet you were talking about me' was pathetic, get over yourself.
OMG Sophie and Kris had sex! WTF did she admit that for? I'm shocked! It must have been pretty crappy.
Marcus and Tom's conversation was VERY interesting on the live feed; Marcus is SO deluded it's almost unreal. Tom actually gave it to him good; and Marcus was totally on the back-foot. Tom called him out really well. Can't believe he called him a pervy weirdo and creepy; that was spot on.
OMG again, I can't BELIEVE Noirin said she liked Tom after all that? Is she fucking psychotic? You can't steal someone's boyfriend, then say you fancy someone else more, that is outrageous! I was on her side up until that point. Why is she saying that stuff on TV? Now I understand why she's worried she's hated; she's pushed her luck big time! She does treat men like a prize; and that's not right. And then as soon as they are into her; bye bye. She is audacious. I almost still admire it. She makes Makosi look like Samanda.
Poor Siavash; he's a lamb to the slaughter. Noirin is crazy! At least it's an interesting storyline though; it's like Hollyoaks. Noirin comparing herself to Jesus Christ was amazing; that girl has got some balls. Look at her, sacrificing herself for the good of the house (and her ego).
Freddie's not getting much of an edit since Bea castrated him.
Noirin's obsession with her exes is pathetic. She only likes them because they're unobtainable too.
Then Noirin dumped Siavash! Eek. His girlfriend must be doing cartwheels; I love it. Then straight after she stuck it to Marcus. That girl has got front! She's foolhardy but brave.
Noirin: friend! Friend! Friend! Who needs friends with her around? She's off her fucking head. yet still I don't hate her. It must be horrible to be so flaky, and to not know what you want like that. She actually has no need to apologise to Marcus. As for Siavash... well.
PS: why was she dressed like a Stepford wife tonight?
PPS: can't wait for Marcus and Siavash to lock horns tomorrow.

Friday, 24 July 2009

Big Brother 10: It aint Colditz, mate

The eviction cancelled! Boo. This Friday night isn't working out the way I wanted it to, in more ways than one. Davina's Scottish accent was worse than mine.
Hira, David and Tom; the most pointless housemates in history? I liked it at the start when Marcus didn't boast about the Great Escape, it was nice.
I like the fact the Siavash/ Noirin thing is going on right under other people's noses, even though it came out of nowhere. It's something new for BB, we've a relationship like that before in the house. It's amazing that they have kept it secret so far, and even more so because of Marcus, and the red herring Tom. You couldn't write it, really. Do I give a damn about Siavash's girlfriend? No. Has he ruined his 'gameplan'? Utterly! Does Noirin fancy him? I don't have a clue! She is an enigma. I like it though, I like the fact she's got everyone running around after her. It's fun!
It's funny that everyone in the house has mentioned leaving lately; Rodrigo, Sophie, Tom. No one cares about being punished, just look at Marcus yesterday.
I love it when BB is angry and reads back to people their misdemeanors and things they've said. It's funny as fuck. Marcus can basically do what he likes in that place. Oh no, now Davina said what I said. I hate it when that happens.
I think Marcus is my current favourite housemate. Is that weird? He's out-buffooning Freddie, and has the best one liners. Go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect £200.
Aw it was cute when Noirin was under the brolly talking to Marcus. I like her hoodie, even though she's welded to it. I even bought a tribute hoodie, but it smells of monster munch.
I've gone off Freddie at the moment; Bea gets on my nerves and I don't like him slavering over her.
So does Noirin like her ex or what? I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her! Still don't find her particularly flirty though, and the whole 'she's a prick-tease' thing is tedious beyond words.
Urgh, Bono!
God I hate Tom, he's just awful! He's got muscles in place of a personality. And no, Davina, I don't really give two fucks what Kenneth or Karly think about anything, they're a pair of parasitic cunts.
Noirin and her bloody 'friends'! Is she snogging all of them? Haha, Charlie being get called out as a shitstirrer. He IS a shitstirrer! Fuck you, Lisa, you do care what the outside world thinks, more than anything else.
I watched the snogs on the live feed, and there was loads more excitement than that, BB let Marcus out of jail at one point when they were snogging! It was tense!
Kenny interview: who cares! He's a dick. Ooh he almost said 'such a little thing makes a big difference'. Why won't you change and be nice, Kenny?
Terry Christian; class hate! Haha, he called him thick, lol. And the psychologist called him a sociopath! This is a character assassination. Admittedly he asked for it, but why is he putting himself up for it? Why is Davina interviewing him anyway? He should be relegated to BBLB and the Lambster like all other BB rejects/walkers.
Well done Karly, you are simply worth dinner and a dress or two. You have accepted your lot in life. What a happy ending. Bleed that fucker dry.
I feel jibbed tonight. But still glad Marcus survived. I want to see the carnage.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Big Brother 10: I didn't come to this show to be called a cunt

I'd gone off Bea a bit but as soon as Lisa said 'I don't trust her' I changed my mind. She wants someone 'spiritual who plays the guitar'. Urgh. I couldn't think of anything worse.
I have no clue who or what Stavros Flatley is, so I doubt if Charlie knows, as what he does know wouldn't fill up a colouring book.
Hmm, what stupid shit has Karly done in the past? Shall we take a guess *porno*? Sophie going 'aww' at Kenneth's tales of making girls wait outside the gym for him. Retard.
Another Charlie/Rodrigo fight edited to make no sense. Zzzz. I watched a fair bit of live feed last night and Charlie trying to unauthentically matchmake Rodrigo and and the pig-thick David was just pathetic. Charlie's got it bad, make no mistake about it.
Hmm, this kebab task reminds me of something... ooh, the ice cream task! They really need to take a leaf out of Big Brother's book and ship in some rave juice. These tasks are unimaginative. Ooh, Charlie showing off. Great. Rodrigo looks under 12 with his shirt off, and that disturbs me.
Hira and Tom aren't getting much of an edit (because they're dull as fuck, I presume).
Urgh, Bea lecturing Kenneth on going out and having fun on £30 worth of cider was as patronising as him with his crocodile shoes bragging about buying Karly's latest sweatshop trinket. Yeah Bea, he's going to love hovering over a shit-filled portaloo whilst listening to some sub-par Jules Holland-style 'world' music whilst necking magic mushrooms with you, Freddie and Moonraker. I'll take the champagne and coke, if that's really the choice. Odious all round.
Anyone would think Bea was a supermodel the way she says Freddie's not her type. She looks 40, and a bit froggy, let's be honest, now.
Christ, Hira and Charlie crushing terrorism singlehandedly made Bruno's trip to Afghanistan look both wise and educational.
Karly asking BB for her contraceptive pills was inspired, and getting Kenneth to fetch them, even more so. I wonder if Karly or BB plotted it? I mean, it's not that hard to just go to the chemist, is it? And contraceptives aren't something women forget in a hurry, as a rule. It's not quite like Kenneth asking for condoms as you do have to continue taking the pill even if you're not having sex for it to carry on working. But even so, it's bloody funny.
'I could have any girl in the world I want'- does he really believe that? Does he REALLY? He makes that 'comprende' dude of yesteryear look well balanced. What does Kenneth try and convince himself he is instead of human? The terminator? Half-man, half-twat?
I saw some of this Siavash/ Noirin thing kick off last night, and was genuinely shocked. Siavash admitted he fancied her! What will Marcus say??? She will be the undoing of Siavash, mark my words. His poor girlfriend, watching her boyfriend fall into Noirin's flytrap/ hoodie-hole!
It was quite cheeky of Siavash to try and pull Noirin when the attention is all on Tom. This explains why Siavash always puts himself out for Noirin when she offers him little loyalty back.
God, Marcus coming in was cringy. It's actually frightening! Is Tom calling an Irish person a leperachaun racist?
God, Freddie is so creepy in bed, mmming and ahhing.
Marcus's controlling tactics are actually frightening to watch; especially on TV. Can you imagine what he's like behind closed doors. Noirin: 'can I just go talk to the diary room?' Does she need his permission now?! Marcus HAS to back off. He really has to.
Has something happened between Noirin and Siavash? He seems to be hinting at it. Noirin is going to get gang-raped in that house at this rate (and Davina will say she asked for it). Oh my god, she was even calling herself stupid in the diary room! Marcus will be checking how long her skirt is next and scrubbing her make-up off before deleting her parents number from her phone. She sure knows how to push his buttons!
David, you have about as much chance with Rodrigo as Marcus does with Noirin. Forget it, mate.
Are Siavash and Noirin going to have the first affair in the Big Brother house? How can they have an affair, she is not Marcus's belonging! Even I'm falling for it!
Bye bye to your hopes of winning now, Siavash. You're just another victim of the Noirin-virus.
Marcus is going to smash that place UP!

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Big Brother is disappointed in you

Kenneth! Said Sophie is thick, fat and has cellulite and all women are worth is dinner and a dress or two. How do you like THAT, Kris, sonny Jim? Even Karly doesn't deserve this cockspank on her arm. As for those shoes and that shirt; being ostentatiously tacky, is still tacky. Why IS he cracking onto other women on TV? Does he have that little respect for his own girlfriend? I'd rather go and be talked through each and every one of Marcus's action figures followed by a fumble by the gas fire at his mum's house thansit in the VI-TWAT area with Kenneth and his alleged 'bodyguards'. Talking of Marcus, his domination of Noirin is pretty much complete. He refused to say it was OK for Noirin to get off with Tom... and she listened!
I like seeing old new housemates all grumpy about the new ones. I admire Bea for not doing the task, but I understand the ones who want to do it as well. It's just all the new housemates except her are idiots. Kenneth is so loathsome I actually want him to stay. David the last Dinosaur is so unspeakably dumb that he looks like someone invented him for a bad comedy sketch (Horne and Corden, are you guilty?) Hira is not even getting an edit, she's so pointless. And Tom is the house scapegoat, because allegedly he's good looking. Even for Northampton, he's a mingaloid. The last thing we need is a cut-price Jason/junglecat from yesteryear.
At least Bea is a bit fiesty. No one said a word when she took Kenny on. She wound him up quite nicely.
Aw, Kenny had his very own pow-pow-pow moment. Is he going to get his homies to fuck Bea up?! Pop a cap in her ass! What kind of idiot says they can't deal with problems themselves and have to get someone else to do it? Glad Charlie kept that line of conversation going. Liked him defending Karly, too.
Kenneth: 'I'm not even used to people criticising me'- well get used to it when you leave the house, you prick. Was Bea hamming it up a bit? I feel like she was, to be honest. But I like the fact she uses words of more than three syllables, so it's half and half.
Please let me get past Kenneth's bodyguards to shake his hand! What's he famous for again? Oh.
Why is Lisa kissing his arse? He's absolutely tragic.
I liked the nominations chat, it was funny. I like it when they break the rules. Lisa, for all of her appearances, is always the first to kowtow to Big Brother (as Marcus later pointed out). I DON'T like BB not showing people nominating, it's crap.
I WISH Charlie and Lisa were up but unfortunately it's not going to be that easy.
Should Kenneth have been kicked out for his comments? Yes. Alex *powpowpow* didn't do much worse. Is he sorry? I doubt it. Big Brother is disappointed in him! Big deal.
I liked Marcus' evil glee at annoying BB. Surely Kenneth must go this week! I found Bea a little sanctimonious at the end, to be honest. Well done, you did the right thing, there's no medal for it though.
Lisa's indignation at being nominated is probably the richest thing I've ever heard, even richer than Kenneth's vile shoes. Everyone up for noms except her and Rodrigo. Boo.

Live: Morrissey at Troxy vs Morrissey at Brixton Academy

So the rescheduled Morrissey gigs changed from a Tuesday and Thursday night to a consecutive Saturday and Sunday. We decided to try and get down the front for the Troxy so we could just relax and have a drink on the Sunday at Brixton.
Troxy was a really cool venue, with interesting art-deco style architecture and features, and rather fetching carpets. We got right at the barrier, but a bit towards the side, which was a result really, as we were just on the cusp of the craziness, but could still see very well.
Doll and the Kicks were good, but I prefer her blonde. We like their song that sounds a bit like Pink.
There was the usual suffering through the intro vid, and then there he was. We were pretty close to him, and the view was excellent. He seemed a bit subdued, not really saying much. The setlist had changed from Yarmouth more than I expected, and he did 'I just want to see the boy happy' (zzzzzz) and Pigsty (yay!) but no Seasick. Also, no 'Squeezing my Skull'. I think he should have hammered the new album more, and cut some of the Smiths songs. As for The Loop- give us a break. Still, very enjoyed You Just Haven't Earned it Yet Baby, and I liked his changing of the lyrics at end of 'How Soon Is Now' to 'and now half my life is gone... thank god'. When Last I Spoke To Carol is also really brilliant live; especially when Moz adds his 'waaaw' sound effects and wing-flappy bits.
A few people were chancing getting on the stage, but the bouncers were quite heavy handed. Moz was shaking hands and generally quite friendly, just a bit quiet.
There was less pressure on us on the Sunday as we presumed it would be the same old setlist and we could just kick back and have a drink. I've been to Brixton Academy before (to see Morrissey!), but the memory must have fallen out of my brain as I had totally forgotten the sloping floor and everything. It's actually a very cool venue which means you can see a lot more easily from most places. We were in the middle towards the side I'd say, and could see pretty well. The sound was also good in there.
I was surprised that the setlist was so different; and very happy indeed when he played 'Mama..' which I'd been dying to hear! I could have lived without 'I Keep Mine Hidden' but that 'Moon Over Kentucky' cover version was pretty good, and he even made 'Because of My Poor Education' listenable. Not sure why he insists on finishing with First of the Gang To Die... I'm totally over it. Similarly, Crashing Bores gets on my nerves.
On the whole though, two excellent gigs. Yarmouth was something else, it just had that extra special quality because it was touch and go if he would be there, and it just felt like magic was in the air that night, but these two gigs were good, too. Personally I'd like Moz to ditch the Smiths songs (OK, he can do I Know its Over) and bang out a load of stuff from Viva Hate/ Arsenal/ Vauxhall. Oh and play It's Not Your Birthday Anymore. But it's Moz. He'll do what he likes.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Big Brother 10: I Dinnae Ken(neth)

Let's cull Karly! Noirin's hoodie is innocent. Hello, it's Davina, please dial carefully, and not like a spazz because you can't really be trusted with that phone, can you?
Don't disrespect the furniture! Listen to Lisa carping 'I'm not to blame': what a sucker. And calling Rex a male chauvinist pig. She can talk. At least Rex was entertaining.
Why was Freddie complaining his suit wasn't working?! He's a masochist. Noirin was crying! God Lisa is so PATHETIC! Rex is brill! I liked his torturing them. Sadistic bastard! I'll never forget 'I'll swap you for Scrabble'- the finest scriptwriter in the world couldn't write that shit.
Charlie's prize; am I right they offered him anything in the world and he asked for a McDonalds? Class!
It was rubbish when Freddie refused the prize; don't martyrise yourself, Freddie. Karly could probably have had a billion fags! Idiot. Still, she only needs 'em til tonight. I'd ask for a day trip out, or to have my boyfriend shipped in for an hour for a conjugal visit. Funny that Rodrigo asked for a letter from his family and Siavash asked for cheese n onion crisps. I think Sophie's is the best thing, though, to see her dog. That would be amazing in there, I bet.
OMG look how many crisps Siavash got, that's a SACK full! He'd be my new best friend. Haha, BB don't give them a lighter! That would be the ultimate in funny. Marcus saved the day! Lisa'll still nominate him next week. Desperate hags, so easily pleased.
Who's clothes was Charlie wearing? Kat Slater's? That fight was rubbish. RODRIGO, DON'T DISRESPECT THE FURNITURE! Honestly, the hypocrisy. Mind you, why was there cooking oil in the bedroom anyway? Rodrigo takes the piss. That's domestic violence! If Marcus did that, it'd be bye bye. But Rodrigo can get away with murder cos he's pretty. Crisp n Dry! D'ya want fries with that?
OMG Karly's going to get the boot just as her boyfriend is going in! What's the frequency, Kenneth? How funny that he's going in just as she's leaving. He's not what I expected her boyfriend to be like. They don't seem very compatible. How weird. Damn, I want to see them interact now. Waving his money round... he's obviously got a small dick.
Bea is 24 going on 40. She looks alright though. I like her dress. Maybe she'll fuck Freddie?
David is going to annoy either Charlie or Rodrigo. My boyfriend said 'Bruno meets Matalan'.
Hira- hybrid accent- argh.
Tom looks boring, I thought they were going to bring in a young fit guy for Sophie or Noirin to fight over. He's like another jungle cat. I feel a little disappointed by these housemates. Karly's boyfriend was the money shot, really, and that's all going to be a damp squib shortly.
I don't like the fact the new housemates know their names (i.e. they've been watching), it gets on my nerves.
If I was Karly and that was my boyfriend I'd be like, 'right, you're coming with me!'
Yay, they are showing the house in the background now on the eviction show. I don't really care about Karly's interview. I just want to see what the new housemates are like. She actually seemed quite nice, though, oddly.
Hi I'm Hira. How do I open a door? God, she's not going to get this task. Karly's boyfriend at least understands sentences, I suspect. I'm not sure I understand it, fully, though, are they allowed to coerce others to vote? Argh, she's thick, she's getting on my nerves already. I don't want the new housemates to put Freddie up. Grr. How annoying.
That worked well, didn't it? She doesn't even know what a hamper is. Urgh, that Tom guy is so ugly. I feel anti-climatic. It's like Suzy getting the golden ticket all over again.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Big Brother 10: They're a right bunch of slosh pots

Karly, would you blow Marcus for a cigarette? I reckon it's 50/50. Lisa and Karly belong in fag-butt city. It's no worse than Geri Halliwell rooting through George Michael's bin for chocolate cake.
Nikki Graham looks like a child! How long before she says one of her catchphrases? Loved her saying 'I can't stand Marcus'. Nikki's sister came to my writing group once, and all the way through it was bothering me who she reminded me of, her mannerisms were exactly the same, then I sneaked a look at the register and it was Natalie Grahame! Starstruck or what? She never returned. Funny that.
I never understood the Nikki hate, she was a true legend. It sucked when she went back in and believed her own press but when she was all innocent, it was gold.
I see Siavash was casually dressed today (!!!) Marcus fancying Nikki was weird; Nikki is weirdly unsexy. Not very impressed with Karly or Nikki's dancing, it was rubbish. LOL to Nikki not even saying goodbye to Karly. Bad luck.
Karly was loving the Nikki/Marcus hate. Fair play, you might as well hoover up the crumbs. Do you remember last week Marcus said he'd shave his mullet off if he stayed in the house? LIES!
Brian Belo! The most endearing BB winner ever, I reckon. I liked him kissing everyone, it was cute. Vagina people! Memory lols.
I guessed they'd give the word 'boobs' to Brian. Ugalaboogala! Jaffa nips, dog nips and tax disc nips. WHAT??? That was one of the biggest laughs I've had in the BB house in weeks. Brian is MENTAL. The house needs a funny housemate SO BAD.
I like it when they rebel againt BB. Trust Charlie to be against it. Health and safety! Freddie's king of the world! I liked their dirty protest, it was good. Siavash didn't quite cut it, though. Marcus was the ringleader of the tormentors. I like it when it gives it back to BB.
We had a debate the other day about whether it's 'roofs' or 'rooves' which was inspired by Danny Dyer's deadliest men. It's actually roofs! WTF. Danny Dyer teaching us about the Queen's Facking English. Would you Adam and Eve it?
Haha, then they set the fire extingushers off. I like it when they're naughty! BB riot! Sweet. They should kidnap a cameraman next. Set the fucking place alight!
I KNEW Rodrigo was going to spazz out about it! Guaranteed! I liked it when they all went in the diary room together, that's proper BB stuff. We demand sweets! It must be the credit crunch, BB can't afford to feed them. No response! The silent treatment.
It is funny seeing them get told off and who bends straight away. Let's face it, BB can't throw the lot of them out. They are babies! Lisa, where's your anarchist credentials, you spineless shrew? I have newfound respect for Sophie and Charlie for protesting about the lack of Haribo.
BB is an idiot really, because they were all in bed by 1am last night. Give them the booze and it might make the show better, we might get a bisexual orgy.
Oh Rodrigo, give it a rest, mate. You ARE our soap opera, motherfucker. Now ACT!

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Break the news to them gently

I'm glad Federico isn't my doctor, his bedside manner needs some work. 'You've got a brain tumour!' After the gentleness of Craig and Dean, Federico's spilling of the Jacko-beans seemed pointlessly cruel. I used to like Federico (seems I'm in a minority) and his strange, frog-like face, and remember being annoyed when he left. But now he's just the human equivalent of an internet troll. Sad. Ooh, nice use of the word ragamuffin, though. I'm easily won round.
Lol, Siavash had tickets to go see MJ. Better hope his mummy sorts out his refund whilst he's in the Big (Bro) House. Bored of the MJ thing, and not that interested in their reactions to it, either. On the live feed it's got to the point where you can guess everything they are going to say, how they'll react to any given situation. These are not multi-faceted people, or even entertaining people. Still like the Fredster and Rodders, though.
Pie Jesu! Fuck a duck. Sophie sings worse than me. WTF has Michelle Bass done with her Geordie accent? I saw her on BBLB and it had gone, replaced by the kind of accent you get in a Richard Curtis film. 'Make us a bloody cup of tea, darling!'
Fuck she looks like a right ropey old dog. That dress looks straight outta Matalan. Bring back chicken Stu. I bet he cringes when he sees her now (god knows why he didn't then). Ah Lisa likes Michelle Bass's personality. Would that be the one where she psychotically stalked Stuart, then raped him under a table?
Was she singing 'Agyness Deyn?' WTF? Oh bugger off Bass, you dopey twit. Sophie's singing was AMAZING (for five seconds). So glad she got that task. She makes the Cheeky Girls look like Susan Boyle. It's all good, babes.
Yay, Craig 'I'm not gay' back in the house! Sadly no Maxwell (although he does lurk around the Finsbury Park area because I've seen him twice). Makosi can just crawl off and die. Just listening to her saying 'I was born in a battlefield' makes me pro-war. Didn't Russell Brand sleep with her? Lordy!
I miss Craig, he was ace. He'd definitely be in my BB allstars. Antony Hutton, not so much. Haha to his ripping it out of Sophie's extensions. They do look like dreadlocks. I've seen less knotty- looking barnets down Glasto come Sunday.
Siavash: 'fuck me back to front'. I'd rather not. I liked him standing up for Freddie to Makosi, he hasn't stood up for him much in the past.
Does Sophie even know what 'naive' means? I'm not sure I like the ex-housemates coming in and dropping these little hate-bombs, but in a way it's interesting. It's against the very nature of BB, but then the format has been left out in the rain for years now. Sad, really.
Haha at Craig bolting as Siavash went into a 'let the public decide!' speech. I liked it when he said 'good luck' in an utterly deadpan way. We need someone like that in the house, just totally sarky and above it all.
If ONLY there was another house! We should be so lucky. Haha, Marcus trying to get Sophie on board. Good luck. I couldn't give two fucks about the Noirin/Siavash/Marcus trilogy of doom. It's just the same thing again and again.
Michael Jackson, my arse! Marcus is upset cos he can't get laid. End of. (as Saskia would say- bring her back in! Or horse-face Grace! I could go on, but you get the general idea...)

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Why for me this task?

Hello familiar white space (well, black for you). Here are tonight's thoughts on BB.
Freddie's talking out the side of his mouth again. How ironic for Karly, the girl without a single redeeming feature, to say Noirin is never happy! Have you ever seen Karly smile? And Sophie, there's no plot for you to get evicted, your group is just loathsome. Come to the Rodrigo side, he has nice brightly-coloured shirts and a very thorough tooth-brushing regime.
How gracious of Karly to like Freddie now the public have saved him 6 billion times. If you'd have had your way love, he'd have been back at one of his musicless house parties from hell with Jemima and Sebastian a month and a half ago, so spare me.
Oh God, Rodrigo getting his knickers in a twist again. I like his mood swings, as a viewer. Perhaps not to live with.
Well the first task was wank, that obstacle course was beyond lame. Shame Nasty Nick didn't go in, unintelligible Craig is a bore (although I remember wanting him to win at the time- but those were more innocent days). Aw, he was quite nice, really. I'm glad Freddie had someone nice to talk to. Lisa: 'he has been watching us.' Not only has he not; nor has anyone on BBLB, the eviction show, or anywhere else. My blog is probably LOSING readers because of my coverage! Yet still i cling, I'm determined like that.
Bit weird them going Craig is good-looking, they must be desperate for some action. It annoys me so much that even Craig is calling Freddie Halfwit, I'd just refuse.
God, even Freddie is saying 'season' instead of series. Stop the rot! I enjoyed Freddie rubbing it in their faces a bit. He deserves that opportunity.
I also wanted Dean to win in 'season 2' so I clearly backed the boring everyman for the first few years. Dean? Who? Hahaha. Karly and Sophie have the pleasure of 'who?' to come.
That was nice that Lisa got the Brummie, even if she didn't have a clue who he was. God, are they real fans or what? I remember every sodding second of it. Evil Norfolk Craig was on BBLB today and it made me pine for the Antony/Craig love affair. Craig was such a good character; he was barely a real person, let's face it. He's now got hair like Bruno.
I liked seeing Lisa and Dean chatting, it was nice and comforting somehow. I enjoyed the sugar cube task first time round, I actually remember Dean being really anal about it. I remember that yet I can't remember huge chunks of my own life, hehe. TV, you have destroyed my brain! But hold on, brains are just mushy things, that are going to end up rotting, or forgetting things, or cancer-ridden, or squashed, or just bored stupid, so who's to say my pursuit of reality TV is worse that someone else honing their mind by studying history for 50 years then getting alzheimers? At least I've got nothing to lose.
Oh, Lisa fucked it. Aw but Dean saved her. I always liked Dean. I seem to remember my boyfriend at the time liking Dean too, but I can't even remember who that was. Frightening.
It was funny watching the others feed off the chats, like how interested they were in every word that Craig or Dean had said, how desperate for other human contact.
Nomination results: how fucking self-centred and thick are those bastards that it took Freddie to say 'I'm not up this week' for anyone to realise? It's like a major thing! They really should be taken out and shot on the spot. Lisa can go first.
Bit sad Rodrigo didn't get to chat with anyone, not that he'd get much chat out of Lee and Sophie (don't they have a baby?) As for Alex; God, I loathed that prat. God, Rodrigo is going to spazz out, isn't he, I can feel it in my waters.
Charlie is such a div; he has so misjudged his entire friendship group it's unreal. I'd love to see the back of him, but I have a feeling it's going to be a long while.
Noirin is right; she is being hunted. But she should survive this week. I want her to stay, at least she's smart enough to sum up her own fate and admit she caused it.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Big Brother 10: I'm happy here, I'm happy

The swearing task was hard; I think I would struggle not to swear for a few seconds, let alone hours. How do people on TV/radio manage it!? I give 'em half an hour, max. I liked Siavash's strategy of just not speaking, but he ruined it by showing off.
Noirin finally cracked, then. I'm not surprised. Having Marcus in one ear and Lisa in another must be hard in anyone's book, and that hoodie! It must ming. She needs some Deofab (just as good as Febreeze and 99p instead of £2.99)
Noirin; get inside the 'wife and mother' box where you belong! That's all you're going to amount to according to Marcus (well, after the Nuts shoot, of course, and that's the closest he'll get to seeing your bits).
Charlie seems to be erased from BB highlights at the moment! Good. Sophie is right; Marcus does think he knows everything. OMG Sophie DIDN'T nominate Freddie! Finally, the penny DROPS! Hurrah!
Norin is reaping her rabbit-harvest tonight. Will she go? I honestly don't know. Is she more hated than Marcus? I'm indifferent.
Sophie and Karly don't want to be seen 'papped' in the same thing twice. They'll be fucking the same footballer within 12 months (I hear Jermain Defoe is the latest pass-around for ex-BBers and WAGs alike), so I don't think they need to worry about that. The fact they have the audacity to say such things is actually sad. Are they in there to entertain us? No. They are in there for VIP tickets to the kind of pit where Danielle Lloyd is left to bleed to death on the floor whilst Jack Tweed grieves for Jade over a pair of fake boobs and a line of charlie in a toilet cubicle. God, what aspirations.
Yay Freddie nominated Karly! About time. Freddie is cocky now and I quite like it. Bet Karly nominates him, that girl don't know when she's lost the battle. Fuck, she didn't! I'm stunned. Is Freddie off the hook this week? Lawks! Fuck even LISA didn't nominate him!!! The ranks are revolting!
I'm not sure I do want Noirin to go though, because she's on 'our' side, isn't she?
Yay, Noirin nominated Lisa and Karly! It's weird seeing Noirin a bit disempowered. I like it in a way, but in a way I just want her to kick off and tell them all to go fuck themselves.
God, they've finally seen through Lisa. I can't believe it. And Rodrigo nominated Lisa and Karly too! Wow. This really is a turnaround. Kris going has made such a difference.
It fucked me off when Karly and Lisa and Sophie are like 'Freddie's alright now' like he was just waiting for their seal of approval. Fuck off, who cares what you think, you hags.
Wish Siavash had nominated Lisa instead of Noirin. I would have loved to see her up. But Karly'll do.
Lisa is such a sly, greedy cunt; I've seen her squirrel away booze and food on so many occasions. She's such a hatchet-faced old harridan and she WOULD begrudge people things, she virtually begrudged Freddie drawing breath for the past few weeks. See how she honed in on Noirin now, her new victim. She's such a controlling bitch. Smokers SHOULD have less food; I'd be fucked if I'd let them have the same amount as me whilst taking a huge chunk out of the budget for that shit. Go fucking smoke yourself to death, you dried-up old twat.
Honestly, the way Siavash carps on, you'd think he'd just thrown himself under a bus to save an orphaned puppy. Yes, you are marginally less repugnant than the majority of the people in that house, but it doesn't make you the Dali fucking Lama, so give it a rest, son.
Oh god, Marcus and Noirin in the garden was painful. Noirin has realised she's fucked herself by taking on Lisa, and now her only ally is salivating over her. I'd be tempted to jump ship!
Jesus, there's like 12 thousand ad-breaks in BB tonight.
Marcus isn't particularly aggressive; despite the lies Lisa's trying to embed. It's sad to see Sophie starving herself to fit into a dress as I sit here scoffing Milk Tray. Ooh, Charlie speaks! Get back in your hole, idiot boy. Rodrigo tried to make them all get along, but Lisa is happy being a bitter old troll and wants to bring everyone else down with her. Why isn't she up?!!
Can't believe Freddie's not up! It's the end of an era. Looking forward to seeing his face when they announce it. And Karly's *evil cackle*

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Film review: Bruno

Another Big Brother blog? Ich don't think so!
I don't read reviews of films I'm going to go and see because I like to make my own mind up, but was seriously concerned when reverse-taste barometer Christopher Tookey in the Daily Mail gave Bruno four stars. How!? He hates everything, especially anything with a whiff of gay in the vicinity! Also, there were various tweets in the air saying it was crap/funny, so I wasn't sure quite what we were going to get. So what was (my version of) the truth?
First, I don't like Bruno's new hair. I liked his old hair! I enjoyed the opening music of Euro-trance, and the fashion bits were really good. I think there should have been more of him crucifying the fashion industry, but I guess people are too aware of him now. Plus the plot line is him losing his fashion credentials...
I thought the story had a very similar structure to Borat; the love story, the set ups (obviously) and the big bang at the end (and I don't mean Bono being unnecessarily shoe-horned in).
It was a LOT more graphic that Borat; the sexual stuff was pretty outrageous, but very funny. I cried with laughter watching Borat; I think I was cringing more during Bruno- setting up that politician was just horrendous, and that swingers party was just disturbing.
The audacity of him going out to Iraq was bloody amazing; I mean, Sasha Baron Cohen is BRAVE. The shit that he gets up to is unreal. The talk show was mainly just funny, and a lot of bits did seem completely set up (ie. fake), but when he visited the psychic!!! Oh my god. Words fail me. He has got some balls as an actor. As for those parents selling their babies down the river; are we really surprised?
At times the film felt a little thrown together and it seemed to whizz-by. There was nothing as brilliant as Borat butchering the US national anthem, and THAT naked fight in the hotel, but the wrestling match almost got there. It was just brilliant; totally bold, quite moving and definitely dangerous! It felt like a real message; like it totally blew the redneck mind apart. And if it makes one ignorant bonehead think twice, then hurrah.
Sasha Baron Cohen has been recycling decade old ideas for so long; he must be bursting with new characters and comedy; and I'm looking forward to them. Let's just hope he doesn't shoehorn Isla Fisher in.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Big Brother 10: The Mighty Douche has left the building

So tonight's the night! Team Tyranny are going to get a sharp slap in the face courtesy of us!
Noirin has fucked herself because she's made an enemy of her allies, and even the thickies are suspicious of her now. LOVED Freddie in that argument last night, he was on fire!
Noirin, please wash that hoodie. It's a very nice hoodie, but you do milk it. It must be getting musty.
Karly's judgement of character is poor. Kris WAS a womaniser, but isn't anymore (yes, because he's on TV, stupid.) Oh and when 'Halfwit doesn't speak, he's brilliant'. Same for you, Karly.
Liked Marcus chatting with Freddie. Siavash, they didn't actually SAY that you were up for nomination, so don't swear on your mum's life. Siavash will not go, anyway. But what if his nominations get cancelled?
I liked Karly's geisha make-up. Who did all the face painting, some of them looked really good. Freddie was so right in that diary room. Kris is the one who needs his head cutting off for the good of the group.
Noirin, 'Freddie you're a funny little creature, annoying but lovable.' Patronising bitch.
Rodrigo is ALWAYS brushing his teeth. Luckily, it's normally fascinating. His tongue scraping technique on the live feed yesterday was a masterclass in oral evacuation.
Aw, looks at Kris in bed with Charlie and Sophie. How romantic. Shame it's all going to be over.
YES! Good has won against evil, even though evil was prettier. I was glad Kris defended Sophie being called 'Dogface'; I wish they'd get over that, it's so dumb.
Haha, Kris got called a loser and a bully and even the psychologist put it on him. I suspect when they were showing him clips of him in the diary room he was just staring at his own hair.
I'm not sorry to see Kris go, and watching them all grizzling on the live bit afterwards was just delightful.
Bye then, Kris. long live king Freddie!

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Quiet, please

Words can barely describe the unbridled joy I felt watching last night's live feed and finding out that Kris and Sophie were up for nomination, too. I actually don't mind Sophie that much, but Kris? Oh, it's just too good. Also, having to watch him sit in silence was highly enjoyable. When he's not talking hateful twaddle, you can actually enjoy his good looks again.
It was like Charlie was making up for lost time when they finally let him speak again. He just kept repeating 'I had to do it for ten hours, you only had to do it for four' to Kris and Sophie. Who cares, the result is the same, so STFU (again).
Now I wanna know if their nominations got cancelled, too (oh, they didn't.)
I think I'd have had a face like someone had just ripped open my special edition action toys if I had to listen to that shower of cretins singing Phil Collins, too. Poor Marcous, is he finally seeing it? That he is just filling the Sree-shaped void?
Hehe, Charlie in the diary room! Eat that, dumbass. He didn't even nominate Freddie! All the more reason to vote out The Mighty Douche (i.e. Kris). Haha, no one even noticed Charlie was being silent for ages. Gutted. I liked Marcus saying 'doing a pretend task'.
What has Noirin done to lead FREDDIE on?! Am I watching the same show? God, I want Noirin's perfume. Personally, I don't think she's even particularly flirty. I don't know what's up with everyone in that house. She was wrong to vote Siavash; he tried to help her the other night.
Is Charlie thick or something (!), he spoke about a billion times that day. I liked him a lot better mute, too.
Kris to Charlie: 'why can't you talk?' Freddie (deadpan): 'Presumably he can't say.' To be fair to Kris, if I was in there, I would have wound Charlie the fuck up, too, just for the lols. God, why is Freddie following him round when he can't say no? Ah...!
They didn't show many of the nominations, boo! That's one of the best bits.
Marcus; 'I did have a grope under the covers.' URGH! Gross, gross, gross, and I doubt it. Is he fifteen? Not very gallant.
Kris's 'I know more celebrities than Siavash' banter was definitely not mint. But that was the moment he fucked himself, so hurrah anyway.
I think Freddie has gone mental tonight; stalking Charlie, and becoming 'sexual rivals' with Marcus for Noirin. NEITHER of you are getting in her pants! And even if you did, it would probably be really fucking dull. The end! However, I don't think she should have to apologise because Marcus fancies her. That's his problem. And later when they said it was 'for the best' if she didn't cuddle anyone, why; in case she accidentally gets gang-raped? This is some sexist shit.
I don't like the way Noirin (and Kris) were talking to Siavash. 'Why do you wear that...' like Noirin and Kris, the vain bastards, only wear clothes that are 'comfy'! Siavash, how dare you express your individual style! Join the sheep down Topshop! Baa! Who made Noirin judge and jury on what was right and wrong in the world? She doesn't even ever wash that bloody hoodie she's welded into.
So did Big Brother fix the noms by giving them an impossible task? Yes. I wouldn't have thought it's humanly possible to not make a single sound for even an hour. Do I care that it's a fix? No, because they have been plotting to vote Freddie every fucking week, and they are arseholes.
Sophie's 'girls go first' comment seems slightly odd, the show has been on for bloody months now. Her and Karly both have a persecution complex about being pretty; it's stupid and sad.
Anyway, it's not about Sophie. It's about Kris and Charlie, and the only trouble is if the vote gets split between them (and how unpopular is Marcus?)
But one of Team Cunt must go this week. That much is certain. Don't let me down.

Monday, 6 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Only a couple of thousand

Oh my God, when Kris is criticising your seduction skills and calling you sexist, you really have sunk to the bottom, Marcous. It's a cockroach looking down on a dung beetle. Oh, he only did it behind his back though. Funny, that. Then called Noirin a slut! Christ, you couldn't make it up. (Littlejohn, tm).
Kris and Karly: have you ever said anything nice in your life? Christ, Kris' ears stick out big time when his afro's wet. Unlucky.
YOU'RE THE PRICK! He aint gonna get squashed, and you saying Freddie will get squashed soon only increases his power with the viewers, you scummy little pig-dog.
The crash test task was boring, but could have been improved by embedding razor blades and broken glass in the crash point.
Karly: 'I never feel sorry for Freddie'. I sincerely hope her boyfriend has left her so I can return the favour.
Oh God, Noirin is having to do a 'you're my FRIEND' speech again. They should make a doll of her, pull her string, 'friend, friend, friend, friend'. What's a 'mickey-teaser'? Marcus, she does not want 'that chat' in the outside world. You repulse her! She did tell him quite clearly; but I don't think it penetrated.
Siavash is a wise old bird. I'm enjoying his work lately. He sees everything.
Eating burgers, drinking and raving sounds good for an hour. Can you imagine Freddie on an E? I'd be like, 'do go on..' whilst stuffing my earplugs in. Has Sophie never been to a techno club? Dear oh dear! Haha Freddie's face afterwards was a picture. Upchuck city!
Oh dear, Marcus is brooding. He's gonna kick off at some point, and it won't be pretty.
I BET Sophie is happy about potential love between Rodrigo and Charlie; it takes Kris out of the gay-quasion.
Haha Freddie's raving conversation with Rodrigo was a joy for all the wrong reasons. Siavash and Marcus were not appreciating! I can see how living with Freddie would be hard. But he's fun to watch!
Marcus 'only has a couple of thousand' action toys! Lawks. His eulogising about the action figures in boxes was interesting: 'half the ones I want I'm not even going to open because I know they're going to let me down', hmm, what would the BB psychologist make of that?
Interesting how they cut that conversation with Siavash and Noirin; he was very explicit that Marcus was not to be told about that conversation, and I believe he was only looking out for his friend. That editing could have said something different.
That conversation about who's older between R&C was inane in the extreme. Get Charlie out! Rodrigo's schizo, but that's OK. Why IS he annoying Charlie so much? I don't know... but I like it!
Idiot Charlie saying he was going to nominate Rodrigo. That dickhead deserves to be up (it was announced today on BBLB that he can't nominate and he's up for the boot- yessss!) And can you imagine the faces? Go on, just IMAGINE Kris's face.
It don't matter who's up: vote Charlie out.

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Big Brother 10: Cock Blocking Feeding Frenzy

Did I miss something? What exactly did Freddie do? Speak the truth? I notice him apologising to Kris; I've never seen Kris apologise to him.
Freddie: can I have a cuddle? Charlie: I think I'm gonna be sick. I'm not surprised, that's not a cuddle, it's a sexual position. Oh dear; Freddie is in serious vulnerable mode today. He's all over the shop. I feel really sorry for him; although he is being quite creepy.
Fuck; Sophie's cleavage! One good thing, at least Sophie and Kris just let whatever it was drop.
How come Rodrigo gets to do the secret mission? Oh, cos he's cute. That's OK then (actually, it is).
That was funny how easy it was to get Sophie on her hands and knees, nudge nudge wink wink (sorry, I've turned into Ian Hyland). I like her sometimes, when she's being silly. Kris is getting jealous of some imagined black bloke coming in and stealing his 'bird'! (Please make the dream real, BB). Make him seven foot tall, muscly, good looking, funny and intelligent, too. I'd pay to see it.
Haha, time for Noirin to ditch her latest stalker. I'm sure Lisa is loving it. Oh yeah, she was already paving the way for Marcus to get 'nasty'. But then Marcus in the diary room did himself no favours, with the 'cock-blocking' comment'- I mean, how selfish is Noirin not allowing his cock the rightful access it deserves? Anyone would think she had her own mind and two eyes in her head. Then he said her not flirting with him was akin to flirting a lot, as it was more serious! Eh? What planet is he on? Is this going to turn sour? Oh yes. This could make Sree-gate look like a low level squabble over the shopping list.
Do Charlie and Kris ever do anything other than plan/play pranks on other people? It's so tedious. Rodrigo wasn't exactly fighting them off, though.What IS going on between Rodrigo and Charlie? I can't work out of they are really arguing or not. Maybe the nominations will be different this week, who knows.
I feel a bit sorry for Noirin that her only worth to people seems to be as a sexual object. But then she doesn't really hang out with the girls much does she? But then.. who could blame her.
Does Rodrigo love Charlie? If so, why? I feel lost, and I'm not sure if it's the editing, or just fatigue.

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Big brother 10: the last mobile blog- there's so much to you

Sorry my last blog ended abruptly. I said more about Kelly O not having even watched the show but anyhow.
Freddie and Lisa's chat: yeah he was being a bit annoying there. I'm not totally blind to the way his manner gets people's backs up.
Charlie's getting a bit porky in that house isn't he? Rodrigo couldn't take the high quality banter. I like his sulks.
I don't think rodrigo really minded being locked in the bathroom with sophie's bikini line. Sophie shut up about your chihuahua's life, you cliched little dimwit.
Karly and Lisa's face after Sree went was ace. I feel like the misfits could win with Noirin on side. I don't blame Freddie for rubbing it in.
Siavash is right though; Sree will be missed. HONestly.
Is rodrigo falling for Charlie? How could Freddie fancy someone who doesn't know what ambiguity means? Was Freddie smashed? His seduction technique was poor. Charlie was doing well not to run away screaming.
I prefer it when my opinion on housemates is more fluid and changes from week to week, lines have been too clearly drawn into black and white this time round.
Marcous: Noirin, please prostitute yourself for beer. Noirin: OK.
Did Kris pat Karly on the arse? I'd nut him if he did that to me. Rodrigo wad a smooth operator getting in on beergate. But who's beer was it? Ah marcouses.
The only way they can give that back is to regurgitate it.
Don't be greedy marcous, let us punch Kris too.
Rodrigo is getting mega pissy in the house now! Good, his happy happy house persona was mega dull. Is it cos he's in love with Charlie tho? Is Charlie the new Noirin?
I'm not even sure what Rodrigo was on about; but I liked it. He made Charlie cry! Pure joy! Rodrigo to win! Yessssss!
Rodrigo is like an angry bumblebee, all cos Charlie said he had a funny name. Gay drama!
Charlie, take off freddie's hat: it's the hat of doom!
Oh god marcus leave the woman alone. She's not a creature, she just a narky woman and she is not interested in you.
It really was just the can of cider.
At last: the worm has turned. I have only 50% of a clue of what went on tonight, but the shiteaters were suffering at the hands of the goodies. Hurrah.

Big brother 10: mobile blogging 2- personally me

Sorry for the delay on this 2nd bit, there was an unexpected incident that took precedence. More important that BB? I know, weird.
So now I'm watching the sanitised Saturday repeat zone! Please do not bleep. I don't trust my iPhone and I don't trust blog writer lite. It's free and it's shit.
Sree, the sun ain't out. Honestly. Take the glasses off. He didn't look as broken as I expected though. Or did he? He looked kinda tearful in the interview. His speech looked planned. I like his sparkly shirt.
Yay Kelly osbourne telling sree he doesnt know when to shut up. Lol. Personally me. Check. 85% of the vote even after marcous gate! Hehe.
Interesting that they showed him the noms this time. It was a big fuck up cutting that out before. In fact this who interview format makes when they changed the countdown colours from a sedate blue to garish fuschia stripes look like a well-thought out decision.
I don't care what that toothy bint has to say-she's ok on bblb but not for this show.
Sree was under the cosh a bit in that interview and davina was quite hard on him. He was a little runt but he had his moments. The Noirin thing was kind of sad.

Friday, 3 July 2009

Big brother 10: mobile blogging 1- that fucking toerag

I'm away but mobile blogging so bear with me, I've already lost half of what I've written and it was fookin gold. This is dedication.
Marcus's pow pow pow moment was a storm in a tea cup: they take the piss out of freddies accent constantly. Glad he stood up for himself. Sree tried to squeeze a few tears out though, god love him.
Christ: they've bullie freddie relentlessly in a pack for weeks, Marcus does one Sreepersonation and gets a warning.
I guess it was the danny dyer style 'i'll see you ahtside' thing wot did him.
What does a formal warning mean anyway? Is it just one given to you whilst wearing black tie?
LOVED Marcus refusing to take the warning on the chin. His logic was mega warped. I do hate much about Mar-cous! (as rodrigo would say) but at least he fights his corner and provides the lols.
'That little piss-ant- I could really honestly kill him with my eyebrow' is probably the best line ever spoken in that diary room.
Fair play to him for daring to stand up to BB! It makes a change. He is borderline offensive/daily mailesque but I like that in a BB contestant. Freddie, Siavash & Marcus are my top 3 right now. Siavash don't play the card. Adam and Joe said the the other week that the only accent it's ok to impersonate is French!
Ooh sophies fringe is cool. Sree looks twitchy.
I'm gonna post this now in case it combusts. Back for the eviction.

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Big Brother 10: These people have got their own brains

Here we go again, it's bullying hour!
Do you think Siavash has had his love of clothes beaten out of him yet?
Charlie has never seen someone be nasty to Freddie. Shoulda gone to Specsavers. Freddie was brave taking on the holy trinity of cuntville. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach with it all now.
'Sree you're doing brilliant.' No Lisa, he isn't.
I'm glad they ate the ice-cream. As an aside, people who have sauce on ice-cream are morally WRONG. Siavash looked a bit Jesus-like posing in his snail costume.
Marcus's painting was pretty cool. All those years painting World of Warcraft figures weren't wasted after all. Bless him, he thought the art critic really liked it, but he just liked it above a shit-coloured splodge and a childishly drawn face.
God, Karly is such a sour-faced, cruel, nasty, unpleasant person. I pity her boyfriend. I hate her nearly as much as Kris. No one can justify their hatred of Freddie, which is why they get so frustrated with him, because he holds a mirror up to how unfair they are being. 'You'll see when you get out,' said Karly, sinisterly. No, YOU'LL see, you rancid old cunt. When she called him vindictive it was the biggest example of transference I've ever seen in my life.
Lisa will never get it. Never. Charlie; 'These people have got their own brains.' No. No they haven't. Dear Lord, if someone stuck up for Freddie I'd probably drop down dead with shock. The fact we are accepting Siavash's and Marcus's half-hearted, behind-closed-doors crumbs they throw him on occasion proves just how bad the situation is.
I don't even see Kris, Karly, Charlie, Sophie and Lisa as housemates anymore, they are just hate-filled bags of shit with mouths.
I like it when Rodrigo gets ratty. It proves he's alive! I hate all this gameplan talk. It's boring.
Oh my god, Big Brother actually stood up for Freddie. Try stopping calling him Halfwit next, because it's about as funny as suicide bombing, and just as unfashionable.
Oh my God, they've realised they are bullying him then, because why would they say 'if I were him I would leave'? That's what they want, they just want to break him.
If that's Freddie's idea of a great day, those stereo-less parties really aren't as good as he makes out. He's off his head, he's got skin thicker than Sophie and Kris' future offspring.
Karly envisaging him going; nice try, love. He'll be there long after they've kicked your spiteful arse out. If I was Fearne Cotton, I'd go annoy an angry dog, just so I could have a face transplant and not have to look like you anymore.

Big Brother 10: I'm 200% staying

I could barely stand blogging it tonight; the bastard factor towards Freddie was just too much. But then things happened I wanted to comment on, so I guess something's working in a weird way.
It's actually uncomfortable to watch now. Fetch my gun; Karly needs a bullet in the head (and lets just tape her mouth up whilst we're at it). Her attitude in that task stank. Rodrigo's singing was funny though, but he's such a prima-donna.
I liked it when Freddie went to the toilet and effectively spoke to 'us'. He knows what's going on, and it's not a gameplan, Lisa, you mouth-on-a-stick, it's called having a brain. If he can stick it out, the world's his.
Freddie trying to reason with Kris was just painful. Kris is just a cunt, that's all he is, just pondlife. If I was his mother and I'd given birth to such a vacuous troll, I'd be forced to invent time-travel and fuck off back to 1985 to get sterilised. Freddie isn't patronising you, you're just an amoeba, curly top. How can Freddie keep calm? Three people took a pop at him in one day! Then Kris goes, 'you've been up three times'. He's also been SAVED three times. Make that four this friday.
Omg Sree in the ice cream task. What a disaster. He was a disaster awake, and a double-disaster half asleep. Some people just can't function first thing, can they? I like the fact Marcus was still being acerbic despite being half asleep.
Siavash provided the lols again, but walked off when Kris started, so minus points for that.
I just started following Davina on FB. She had a go at Kris. Good. Having said that, Davina should be impartial, but Big Mouth has destroyed that myth anyway.