Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: It hurts my heart

Did they rename Big Brother 'Pick on a pensioner' when I wasn't looking? It's not the best, is it? Twice now I've had to rewind incidences of people picking on Gary to get the full horror of it. Not much fun, really.
If Frenchy is 38, I'm 12. She's more like 50. She fancies Ricci and Lauren. There's no accounting for taste, is there, both of them
Why is James bothered about George calling Audley 'Audrey'? What is his problem, as if we don't know! I'm surprised he can cope with Kellie in there. He seems like like people being in strict boxes.
George: 'I'm only good at running if it's to the pub or away from the police.' Love it.
Ugh, shopping task times. Casting couch! I'm surprised they're not doing a shitstirring task first off, they normally do.
I bet Gary Busey goes through a lot of toothpaste. He's got some gnashers on him. Gary drinking the vinegar! Well, he's drank worse, I'm sure. I like the team of Gary and Stephanie. They should team up, not separate! Gary is hilarious. I love the fact they're both going for it! I hope Mark isn't watching. He'll be gagging like hell.
Leslie can't sleep, bless him.
So Kellie is now a lesbian, not a heterosexual male, as Claire said. It IS confusing, though. I don't see why she should spend her life alone.
It is cruel making Lauren and Ricci read this stuff off the autocue, but quite funny, too. I hate that expression 'getting mortal'. It makes me think of that bedwetter who won it. So Ricci has a tiny penis! Doesn't surprise me. Lauren's face is endlessly fascinating.
Lauren saying it's sad that young girls want to be reality TV stars! What?!
Oh, here comes the Gary bashing! They edited the conversation weird so you couldn't really tell what was happening, but from the point we saw, it's just pack mentality. Gary probably 'shh's people because he can't hear unless one person is talking.
David/ Tornado doesn't think he should wait until someone's finished to talk. Er...?
What's Kelly Brook done to deserve this cunt? Seriously! How rude is he? Gary is deaf and you're talking too fast, you chump! I can barely understand what this creep is saying, no wonder Gary can't. Why is Gary having  to apologise to these horrible people? I like the way he went 'I know your limitations' to David, as if to say, 'I know you're a fucking idiot.'
Bewitched looks pissed off in the background. If she opens her mouth she could actually grab a few votes, rather than just sitting there like H from Steps. Dee was frowning, too.
Oh God, here comes James now. A tag team of tossers. I feel sad that Gary doesn't think we have freedom of speech in this country because these twats are bullying him.  'You're not in America!' No, he's a guest in our country! He's a deaf old man. Be polite, you fucking disgrace.
Gary: 'I'm not shhing you people, I'm being interrupted.' Welcome to Big Brother. No one listens.
I love Gary's comebacks. He says really barbed things and they don't even listen. 'It hurts my heart.' Aw.
Then they're all in the kitchen bitching about him. FFS, what a bunch of cunts. I hope they all die, seriously. Have some respect.
OMG even Leslie is having a dig at Gary now. Fucking hell. Is there no solidarity?! The way he just spoke about Gary was horrible. He's a has been? At least he was a WAS at some point! Who are you?! A never was? Little prick. Horrible man. And saying 'he's got to go' is talking about nominations as far as I'm concerned. No, YOU gotta go. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure Gary isn't easy to live with. But cut him some slack, please.
Aw, I'm glad Kellie and Claire are backing Gary up. Gary needs someone to talk slowly to him and just give him some time and attention. That's all he needs. He is rude, but he's a deaf old man, FFS.
OMG I just got faith back in Big Brother! They told James off for ostracising Gary. They did it in quite a smart way, too, like not a tell off, but 'can you make sure the other's aren't being idiots' when he's the ringleader of the tormentors. Very shrewd. I'm so glad they did that, I was getting shades of Shilpa Shetty there. I did not like that one bit.
James's response: 'He could be ostracised if he continues to speak to people the way he speaks to them.' How about the way YOU speak to people, you jumped up piece of crap? 'Show respect, care and understanding.' It's sad they have to be told that, isn't it? Really sad. But really amazing that Big Brother actually DID something for once rather than letting us just watch in horror.
Eww, is George sucking Frenchy's toes?! Dear God. Oh and now Lauren talking about her sex life with Mark Wright. Spare me. Hope Tina's not watching.
Leslie's being kept awake at 3am, boo woo. I hope they keep you up all night, Leslie, you nasty little git. Serves you right for picking on a deaf person. Quite ironic, really! Haha. Now Leslie's waking everyone else up by shouting. Irony! I bet Gary's asleep, ner! I'm surprised they let him sleep in the sky pod or whatever it's called. Should pack him off to a hotel, the nasty little shit.
No eviction tomorrow! Please make it vote to save, Big Brother! Gary FTW.

Celebrity Big Brother Redux 2014: You're emotionally bent

Interesting the way Kellie talks about 'Frank' as if he's a separate person, isn't he? I find it fascinating. 'I've won and I've lost.' It's really emotive, but it doesn't feel like an act when she talks about it. Dee seems genuine and warm, too. She seems genuinely interested in what Kellie has to say.
Gary is giving a very heartfelt speech in the Diary Room, saying he loves everyone and his experience was 'set up by the angels'. Let's see how long that lasts. I hate this James guy, he's coming across like a mighty prick.
I wish they'd get a clue that this Duchess thing is not necessary and give it a rest. I find it so boring, when the dynamic is already really interesting, it actually puts a spanner in the works.
I'm not finding the highlights clips very interesting so far, is this the best they've got? Gary in a wig, Audley talking about his childhood, I'm sure it must have been more interesting than this yesterday. Even this crystal meth chat feels quite dull.
They're talking about Gary being mean but I've not seen him being mean. Gary on death: 'Don't expect a tragedy here'. He's the king of the acronym. I like his tall stories and his spiritual nonsense. It beats Mark's tea leaves.
What's the deal with this James guy? Methinks he's after some air time! It wouldn't take a genius to work our who the star of the show is, and it's not his boring arse.
The Duchess crap is finally over. Well done, you fooled two old age pensioners and one loopy French woman. Gary doesn't have a clue what day of the week it is, bless him.
I love the way Kellie talks about her kids! It's really loving. Everyone has treated her really respectfully, too.
Oh here we go. OK, I've watched this twice to make sure I've made sense of what happens. Gary to James: 'You are gay, aren't you?' It's a fairly innocent question, as James is a professional dancer, and a gay friend of mine thought he was gay, too (yes I have gay friends. Just like James does, ha.) James's instant reaction to that was 'fuck off.' Not, 'oh a lot of people say that.' 'Not, no, I'm straight actually.' But 'fuck off.' As if being gay is really offensive. So let's put the next part of the conversation into context. James is so fucking patronising. 'I have gay friends.'
Gary: 'So you're not afraid to get butt-fucked in the air?' Ok, I think Gary WAS joking, but I think he WAS trying to wind James up, too. 
'I've never hit a 70 year old before.' Charming. He didn't like that buttfuck comment, did he, not at ALL! What James said was very threatening.
James: 'I don't mind a cheeky little finger.' OK then. So straight people are allowed to do that, but no butt-fucking?
James: 'When I'm talking, you listen. Look at me when I'm taking to you.'
Gary: 'You do get buttfucked in your imagination.' 
James: 'You should be careful what you say.' That was a direct threat. Gary: 'You should be careful what you take seriously.'
Gary is mental, contradicts himself ALL the time! But I like him. He's the best one. I THINK Gary was joking, he just said it very dryly. Lauren actually defended Gary then, yay: 'that's what Gary's like.' I like Gary saying he couldn't remember what he said, but apologising for it anyway.
It was a good point Gary made when David said 'kiss and make up' James didn't take it seriously, but it was a similar sort of comment.
James is a nasty piece of work, a wrong 'un and a potential closet case. He revealed more about himself in that conversation than Gary ever has.
Buttfucking isn't gay or straight, anyway! Buttfucking is multi-purpose. This apology is hilarious. I love Gary saying 'you're emotionally bent.' There's nothing wrong with taking it up the arse, James. Relax! Gary: 'I didn't know your routine of negativity and restriction.' OMG brilliant! I missed that the first time. Gary is a dry fucker. I'm starting to think he created this whole situation to make James look like a total prick and it worked well. James: 'We don't say things like that in this country.' Don't speak for a country, you twat! Gary can say whatever the fuck he wants (within Big Brother's rules, ha.) Gary is so magnanimous in the face of this super douchery. That whole scene and the bit outside is worth watching twice, it really is.
Not even worth mentioning Ricci and Tornado in the tree house or whatever the fuck it's called. I can't even bear looking at that Ricci's face. These people are amoebas.
Dee thinks Gary is interesting. I like Dee, she seems sound. 'I came in not once, but twice.' I loved it when she said Kellie looked gorgeous and it doesn't take much to sit and listen to someone. Too true.
Why is Stephanie bagging on her fellow American?
Why is James still banging on about James! 'Look at me when I'm talking to you.' No, you're not very interesting AT ALL. This guy is so pompous.
Something sad about Gary saying 'there's a great party atmosphere' while sitting on his own in the garden.
Stephanie: 'Who would you rather have kill you, David or Gary?' Bit of a strange question. That's the Pratt lineage for you.
This rock paper scissors 'game' is making me feel very uneasy. They're trying to wind Gary up and I don't like it. It feels like they're all laughing at him! He's an old man, FFS, let him sleep. I hate these people. Except Gary. And George. And Leslie. And Dee.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: We're all Royal here

Hiya loves! I enjoyed that live feed last night. An hour of Gary Busey going 'what?' and genuinely enjoyable. More please!
Recap times! I like seeing some of the bits you don't get to see but there's just too much we've already seen.
Oh so Dee's task was for the food budget after all. Yawn! David: 'It's not hard to trick Americans' in front of Stephanie. Rude! He's not exactly Stephen Hawkins himself.
So I'm seeing a picture of Gary and Frenchy together and it says they dated for two years; and he didn't even recognise her last night! WTF. That can't be possible, can it? Unless she's had so much plastic surgery, she's unrecognisable. It's possible.
Lauren patronising Gary Busey! Wrong! Gary: 'TEAM: Together everyone acheives more'. Brilliant. That's Celebrity rehab talk for you. George: 'I'm on a show where people watch people on TV.' Gary: 'Wow.' Gogglebox sounds like the most English word ever right now. Go-Go box sounds like a fun nightclub.
Edele on Dee: 'She's 21st in line to the throne.' Gary: 'We're all Royal here.' Gary is going to be king of the one liners. Might as well just forget about the other housemates when Gary's in the house. He's making up for ten housemates.
This twist is totally pointless as well, although Dee is dealing with it very well. She's coming across a lot better than I thought she would.I like Kellie and Dee bonding. 'This isn't the worst thing you've had to go through?' That was quite touching. Dee came across quite caring there. It could be gameplay but I like to think not.
I like Leslie, he's a cutie pie. He likes Mike Tindall, lol. Lying about his age, too! I think Kellie was on to him, though.
I think George is going to give good Diary Room. He's a TV critic, basically, so he should do.
Gary and Dee are cracking me up. I love the fact he says everything's an honour. Gary: 'We're going to have some fun.' Don't talk to Gary about rehab! He's written the book. I love Gary. I admit it. Gary to Dee: 'We're going to build you a throne!' He is amazing. I still don't think it's quite right him being there. But he's TV gold. I'm rubber-necking, but it's still gold, like Stephen Baldwin on steroids.
Claire to Frenchy: 'What are you here for?' Frenchy: 'I like to get naked a lot.'
I can't stand Edele. She comes across really cold. Lauren and Ricci are a waste of space, too. I don't like Emmerdale or Tornado either.
Leslie seems VERY smart, except for the Duchess nonsense. Surely he'd know a Duchess would be posher? 'Not ready to vote Gary out yet.' Give it time!
Lauren is such a fish face. What HAS she done to her face?! She makes Amy Childs look natural. Still, I bet she smells like peppermint. A wet arse? I thought the Geordie Shores were the bedwetters. I guess it's going cross-reality now.
I like Dee, she's quite matter of fact. I think she quite suits that outfit. Frenchy: not impressed by hunting. 'Swans are magnificent.' Bless her. I love the French accent. My boyfriend thinks Frenchy knows it's a task. They all seemed to know each other's names, so I wouldn't be surprised.
James: 'What's your favourite movie you've ever been in?' Gary lists ten different films. The spirit of Patrick Swayze came through him. George: unimpressed. James: trying to say sexist things to shock. Oh dear.
I like the way Frenchy says, 'Douchesssss!' That James guy is a dick.
What has Lauren been drinking! She looks hammered! She's making a smashed final two with George. Lauren: 'I wanna be sober now.' George: 'I wanna be as drunk as you.' I'd rather get off with George than Ricci.
Oh god, not the 'we all get along so great' speech. Gimme a break. Give it two days, they'll be tearing each other's throats out.
James has got 'energy envy' about the youngsters. He's not there to necessarily cause any trouble. Just bore us all to death.
We heard Gary talking about having his own double bed on the live feed last night. Oh dear, he's shushing them. I think he's laughing, though. Imagine those teeth glinting at you in the night. I think anyone who takes on Gary though, does so at their peril. I can see him having a lot of public support. I like all the Americans actually. Not much Stephanie Pratt in that episode, though! Spencer must be fuming.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Point Broke

Evening all! Well, so far this year we've had two horrible winners: Jim Davidson and Helen, if you need reminding. So we're now looking to make it the hat trick. Put everything you own on whoever has the worst odds; or whoever's on Richard Desmond's payroll, or whoever it's fixed for this time. Basically, the biggest twat.
Hold up, where's Super Cassandra! I like Emma Willis's dress. Say no more. She's promising electric shock suits already, brace yourself, they've obviously pushed the boat out.
White Dee in first. Well she's the biggest arsehole so far, but she is first in. Still. She's moaning about editing on Benefits Street, wait until she gets on Big Brother. I didn't watch Benefits Street, because I don't like looking down my nose at poor people. I just like looking down my nose in general at people. She's got some big boobies on her. She seems like she's going to be the new Pauline, maybe? So the 'celebs' have got a new comfy sofa, still looks quite cheap, though.
Next in is someone from Strictly Come Dancing, James, so only your mum will recognise him. Commence the clapping. He doesn't like cooking. He looks like Benedict in that flat cap. Nail down the chairs. 'I've been on Imodium all day.' Lovely. His girlfriend looks pretty. Dee knew his name! I hate it when they all know who's going in. She seemed quite warm with him. I think she could go either way; be a nightmare or be alright.
Next in, someone from Emmerdale, Claire. Just what we don't need, a new Tricia Penrose. This is like a mum's edition of Big Brother. It's like Gillian Taylforth but they couldn't afford her. 'Ey up.' She's got huge boobs, too.
Next in is Kelly Brook's bit of stuff, David. Didn't he crash a van full of badgers?! He's even admitting it. Ha. Why was he driving a van full of dead badgers anyway? Is he some sort of professional badger botherer? The crowd are booing him and I'm not sure why, but he does seem annoying. Kelly Brook is too nice for him.
Oh dear Lord, not a twist already. They are setting Dee up, making her become royal. Give her the crown, and evict her already. She has to fool the Americans that she's a Duchess. That means they'll be American or foreign then. Good! I'm fed up with these English no-marks.
Oh, this is going to be interesting. Kellie used to be Frank, a boxing promoter. Transgender people normally do well on Big Brother. Nadia, Luke A, Lauren Harries. Kellie will be an interesting character, either herself, or in the way people react to her and reveal themselves.
Audley Harrison is actually famous! My brother used to have a friend called Lee Harrison and we used to call him 'Old Lee Harrison.' Here's hoping he's not another Evander Holyfield. Does he know Kellie? He's mentioning 'ground rules'. I hope he's not going to be the new Vinnie Jones.
Audley does know Kellie! 'Do I have to call you Kellie?' 'If you want to get paid for your next fight.' This is going to be an interesting dynamic that could make or break either of them.
Next in Lauren Goodier. According to my boyfriend, the fat one, but not the fat, fat one. Charming! So tired of the Towies. She's wearing a mint coloured jumpsuit. Not sure that's the right look for her. I think she's got a wedgie.
GOGGLEBOX! George FTW. He's one of the worst people off Gogglebox, but still, Gogglebox! He's worried women have an ulterior motive because he's on Gogglebox. How much money do you get off being on fucking Gogglebox?! I can't stop saying Gogglebox. Send in Sandra! Send in the poshos! Will people on Gogglebox be watching this? It's a shame it's not on at the moment. I like the way he poured that drink, like it was the last drink he was ever going to drink.
Next in Edele from Bewitched. No, I'm not writing the asterisk. She can't even spell her own name. She likes being honest. This is from the 'say it to your face' school of Big Brother bullshit. I think she might be the biggest arsehole in Bewitched, and that's saying something. 'Do you do eyelashes?' Weird way to say hello. They are all standing round very awkwardly! The crowd don't look too cheerful either. I think Helen has worn us all down.
In next is Ricci from Geordie Shore. No, me neither. Another spelling that's going to get on my tits. The Geordie Shore people are cheap and unimaginative. Even cheaper than TOWIE wankers.
Next is Stephanie Pratt. I did watch The Hills, but obviously not Made in Chelsea. I liked her on The Hills. Her face looks different, though. What could have happened? Spencer got her on the show, haha. She looks weirdly like Heidi in a way. That's not creepy, is it?!
Where the fuck is Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee?
Remember when Germaine Greer had to wait on Jade Goody? That didn't work out so well, did it? Can't see this Dee thing going much better.
Next in is some old fella off Will and Grace, Leslie. Even if Will or Grace went in I wouldn't recognise them. He has been told 'you have to have strategy'. Don't worry, you don't. Oh my God, he's tiny. He's like a mini Christopher Biggins. He could be funny, you know. I like him!
Next up is some French woman off Rock of Love, Frenchy. That's a bit niche. She loves pink and she looks like someone you see in an 80s porno. You kind of hope that women who look like that don't exist anymore but then you see they do. 'Obviously I like cock.' Obviously. She likes guys who are 18-23 with big willies. That's a specific market. Is she old? I can't tell.
Gary Busey! Point Break! Celebrity Rehab! He was a legend on there. That's good that he's got sober, though. He looks a fucking state though! I liked his speech before he entered the house. 'It's an honour be here.' OK. Emma is having to help Gary into the house! Three questions! Haha! What were the three questions. He thought Audley's name was Orgy. Frenchie knows him! She said her name was Angelique. Oh God, this isn't right. He can't understand anything anyone's saying. This is taking awkward to a new level.
White Dee is going back in as Duchess Deirdre. Is that the poshest name they could think of? I think Claire is blowing this twist already. The twist was so overblown and then they spent two seconds on it. I don't think Dee's heart is in it. I can't get over Gary Busey. I actually can't get over it. Dear God. God help us all. Come back Helen, all is forgiven.

The Voice: the sore loser edition

Oh so they've changed their clothes to give the illusion that it's a different night. That's nice of them to bother. Well, Holly's got half changed at least. Oh they're letting Reggie out of the backroom again. Apparently in an interview when he was trying to be a rapper he dismissed tv talents shows as a load of old horseshit. It's hard to pay those bills on the mean streets, though, isn't it? Dope!
Just a FYI Jessie: zig zag partings are not back in fashion. And never will be. What next, bringing back the bindi? Gwen Stefani has a lot to answer for.
Vince/ Brian Harvey is first through. God knows how, he's so unlikeable it feels like he should be hanging round with Peaches Geldof.
Why does Jessie always talk as if she's delivering some terminal cancer results? She's got that Cheryl Cole way of speaking, as if she's announcing the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I barely know who Paloma Faith is, and only from the pages in Heat where they slag off what you're wearing. She's in it most weeks.This show has been all filler and no killer so far.
BO is through! Well, obviously. She has more star quality in her eyelashes than the entire judges' panel, let alone the contestants. She has a presence on the screen that none of the others have. If she doesn't win it, I'd be very, very surprised.
Deano/ Chris Fountain/ Moon brother isn't handling himself very well in the green room. Looks like he's about to do a little lip wobble if his doesn't get his own way. Should have had something more useful in those pockets; like some charisma.
I hope Becky gets through out of Jessie's team as she's the most interesting. Cassius: dull. Toni: not a chance. Yep, Jessie did the right thing, there.
A jazzy version of Roxanne: that's just the ticket. Fast forward. Both these two can fuck right off in my opinion. Overrated bullshit and over-indulgent twaddle.
Deano is doing some proper sad facing. I don't think it's going to get him through, though. Because he's not much cop. Acting like a spoilt brat on TV is never a good idea. Just ask Nikki Grahame. Is he going to start crying? It's quite unprofessional. Take it like a man, kiddywinks. This is hilarious. I wouldn't want to be the one offering emotional first aid to him tonight. Looks like he might go put his fist through a window. Or maybe chuck one of his teddybears on the floor and stamp on it. He's only 17! He's acting like he's fucking seven. Mind you, it's probably past his bedtime. Night!

The Voice: Tonight every think counts

Bo Bruce tonight, thank God. I do think The Voice is getting a hard time in the press. It's good fun! Mind you, I loved Fame Academy. Who can forget the lovely Lemar and Ainslie? They were lush. Besides, Britain's Got Talent is TIRED. I pity anyone watching that old horseshit. Damn that dancing dog! Damn him to hell.
Let's get the outfits out of the way: Holly rocking a lovely curtain (bet that's not from Very). Jessie's come as a hateful Minnie Mouse. William's come as one of those square office toys with all the pins in that you used to put your palm into in the 80s.
Bowling is the Jessie J's 'secret little thing to do'. That and lesbianism. I notice they're in some private alley: why don't they go to the Trocadero like everyone else? UV times!
Jessie J knows nothing of professionalism. If your mic isn't working, just carry on singing like you normally do. God, she's so arrogant and annoying. I'm glad they've got the sound working now. Sounds much better. *panface*
It's a live show! Live show! Live show. Yeah, well done for not miming, give yourself a Werthers Original.
Max is up first. I don't remember him so that doesn't bode well. At least we don't have to look at Tyler's serial killer face this week. They're setting this Max up as the new Olly Murs, aren't they? Lol, he's doing doing a little rap and he seemed a bit out of breath. It was only about two sentences. I can rap the whole first verse of Without Me by Eminem without skipping a beat. I think his voice is OK but I don't like the direction they're pushing him in. I don't even know what this song is. He's a cute little thing but he's just boring.
I'm surprised Jessie J isn't saying 'on NATIONAL television'. She sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest. I've seen less severe Croydon facelifts on that show. And more eloquent guests.
William: 'blinds or no blinds?' Is that a new TV programme? He talks complete hogwash, but at least it's fun. What is Tom Jones bringing to the party except endless anecdotes about dead people?
Cassius, it's over. Or is it? Who knows. Who's that on the piano? Is it Louis Theroux? Turning tables sounds like my friends' proposed invention of floating cocaine tables (not one I've seen in Dragon's Den, but maybe one day). This song should be called Turgid Turkeys instead. Make it stop. The best bit was when he went went 'woo' at the end, and that was only because it was stupid. Is Cassius a midget? Holly looks like Amazonian next to him. It looks like she's about to start breastfeeding him.
Tom Jones is being so insightful tonight. How much are they paying him for this blarney? Did Danny just ask Cassius if he was 'diddy'? I think that's apparent. Even Willy can't think of anything clever to say.
Bo! Select her. How can you sing 'Love the way you lie?' It's all a rap! I tried doing that on karaoke recently and it was hard, I was out of breath. I hope she's going to do the line about 'watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane'. That's the best line ever. What's this other bit she's doing? It's rather nice. But where's the volcano meeting the tornado, hey? Where's the Nintendo game line? She looks cool. Must be nice to be described as 'marketable'. Oh, and she's got a bad back, too. Has he been rubbing in some Deep Heat for her? Even she looked embarrassed. She doesn't need the bad back vote, Danny, she's better than that.
'A whole bunch of times more better than Rhianna' say Will. That's almost English. 'Bo, woah'. Oh no, now Jessie has nicked my Bo selecta joke. Motherfuck. Come on Bo, do those Princess Diana eyes to camera. You gotta win this. You've got proper talent compared to the others. There's no Tommy Reilly here now. And definitely no... whoever the other ones were.
I want to like this Vince guy. But he bugs me a little. Maybe it's the make up. Maybe it's the fact he looks a bit like Brian Harvey. And my friend Phoxx. Oh God, he's doing Olly Murs lite, too. WE'VE ALREADY GOT OLLY MURS. That's one Olly Murs too many already. Got it?
LOL, he just did a Jessie J style 'huh!' He's learning from the best. Look at his vest. He looks a prat. Jessie: 'Vince has worked so hard on his look.' Really? Looks like he had about 2.50 in his pocket and just spent 30 seconds browsing H&M's sale rail.
OH MY GOD DID DANNY JUST SAY 'YOU COULD SING THE PHONE BOOK AND BE AMAZING'? I thought I'd left this bullshit behind with Simon Cowell. This is unacceptable. I wonder what would happen if you sung the phone book? You'd have to start with AAAAAardvark taxis, wouldn't you? Someone should try this on YouTube.
Alex: the lost Moon brother. One extra Chris Fountain. We must stop him now. He's talking about his 'target audience'. What a tosser. He sounds like an Apprentice contestant.
If only we could bottle Danny's enthusiasm. Then we could all enjoy this rubbish, plodding non-starter of a song. The braces. The hands in the pockets. The star presence. Even I could sing this load of shit. Take his 'target audience' into a field and shoot them, starting with the youngest.
Danny 'he's only 17 years old.' Is this excuses week?  Has he stubbed his toe and all? Jessie is right: it was safe. And not in a good Jason Statham way, with a gun. But then would a big band version of Jet been better? Would it? He's only 17. Isn't Justin Beiber 17? And just look at his amazing tal- oh.
Alex wanted to 'give us a break from strong powerful singers'. If I want a break I'll go watch ITV. 
Danny O Sing the Phonebook does remind me of Peter Andre in that his positivity is so transparently fake. You know he's going to go home and cry into his cornflakes.
Oh God, Becky's doing Seven Nation Army. White Stripes or Marcus Collins? Crimped hair! How very 1996. I've got a photo of me with crimped hair and blue eye shadow wearing a nightie. I considered that suitable attire for nightclubbing at 16. I think she's got a decent voice she just needs some better direction. She did a bit of a Harry Hill style ending there. Oh, I miss you, Harry.
What rude thing did Becky say in the heat of the moment? I didn't hear it. Jessie J is issuing cockney counselling. Is Tom's hearing aid working? Oh dear, it's all going to pot, isn't it? Get Reggie out from the back to sort it out, Rastamouse must have a bifta on the go to short shit out. Becky's having a crack up. I blame Holly for giving her a tell off.
David's got a sob story instead of an ailment. He's my second favourite after Bo Bruce so I hope he doesn't fuck it up this week. Is he stalking someone via TV? That's a bit creepy. Fucking hell, it's another dreary song. He does have a good voice, though. She WILL be loved, whether she likes it or not. *Restraining order* He can't hit that 'will' note, and they've got backing vocals to cover it. That Temper Trap song was way better. Will is right to criticise that song choice.
Jessie J is giving it 'nononononononononono'. Are they having an artificial fight? I think Will won that round by just singing Vanilla Ice as a response to Danny's stream of BS. I think I actually LIKE Will.i.am now. Why is this happening?!!
Fuck off baldy and fuck off Elton John. Song choice! Holly calling her beautiful is patronising. It's not like she'd swap. 
The lost moon brother is getting dug out by Rastamouse for having his hands in his pockets. He's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is flicking the bomb vest switch ala Sgt. Brody in Homeland. He did a proper screwface after that.
Cant Bo Bruce do the go karting cos of her bad back? Try saying 'Bo Bruce bad back' when you've had a drink, it aint easy, kiddo. I just tried it and failed spectacularly.
Moon brother looks like he's come out in his pyjamas. Hold on, what's this sunflower bullshit? Van Gogh didn't sanction this. I'm laughing my arse off, is this the intention? I guessed Bo was going to be Mona Lisa. What is this fucking song? It's fucking rubbish. Bo is outsinging the lot of 'em. My boyfriend just said 'I can't hear a guitar so why can I see one?' Why indeed. Someone should have been drowned in formaldehyde during that.
Is that it? It didn't drag at all tonight, so I must have enjoyed it, despite my carping. Bo FTW! Come on, only you can ensure she gets enough Radian B to keep her upright into next week. I would vote but I watched it an hour late and I'm posting this late so this is all futile. FUTILE! 

Big Brother 10: The Final: You Fat Whinging Cunt

I'm drinking for a first time in a month! Here's a toast to the tonsils; evicted from my throat.
Couldn't blog last night as my computer died; thank god it wasn't tonight, I'd have cried! Yes Siavash did lay it on a bit thick but I'm still backing him or Roddy for the win. Fuck you Sophie, you don't deserve it, a vote for you is a vote for Kris! (actually I like Sophie, but come on, she aint our winner).
Siavash is doing his Jesus act again. BB has got strict! I've never known anyone threaten to leave on the penultimate night!
Will Charlie's speech mention his mam? See the way he whipped her out yesterday whilst declaring himself most deserving to win? What a tool.
Sophie's hair has grown back! Magic. Mmm, Rodrigo looks hot in purple. And sexy crying!
I voted for Siavash and Roddy. My boyfriend recommends a nuclear vote that costs a fiver and takes ten votes off Charlie. Score!
WTF is Angel wearing?! That girl is batshit crazy. Yay, Sree! Go fuck yourself, Kris.
Noirin is single! LOL. FRIENDS!
In another world Marcus and Lisa would be lovers! Big up Digital Spy!
OMG Rodrigo out 5th! That's not right. I'm shocked! Fucked off Charlie beat him. Look at his outfit! Aw. Love Rodrigo. He should have been top two!
Yay, no psychologists or guests. Pure BB style. Oh dear. She's turned up via proxy.
CHARLIE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEATEN RODDY. BOO.
God, DAVID beat Rodrigo. WTF! He was sweet in his interview, pretending he doesn't love Charlie. That video from his family was ace. SOB!
CHARLIE'S OUT! YES! Beaten by David! Eat it, eat it! SO glad Siavash beat him. So un-glad HE beat Rodrigo.
Despite his 'yes/ yes/ yes' there was definitely a bit of gutted behind the eyes then.
Charlie- one dimensional nice guy! I.e. cunt. Siavash cheated on his girlfriend and beat you, LOL. Me mam, me mam. Blah. Big Brother saved his mum's life.
Charlie's interview was loads shorter than Roddy's. GOOD! You are the weakest link; goodbye.
David in third! HOW?! How did he get more votes than Roddy and Charlie?!
What is Judy James wearing? Even Siavash would balk at it.
I hate the speculation about Sophie's weight, but GOD she looked skinny at the beginning. I like her better plump and drunk, though. I liked the way she let herself go, it felt real.
I like the fact Siavash and Sophie are left; they've always been loyal to each other. Liked Siavash giving David a big smack on the choppers too, I like how comfortable he is with his sexuality, it's really, really refreshing.
There goes David and his seatbelts, shouting and sweaty! David is YOUNGER THAN ME! How!?!?!!
David went in there with an open book; he's worst than Honey off of Eastenders (Perry Fenwick- LOL!)
He DID do well to come third; but I think it was more accident than design.
David about Robbie Williams; 'has he come out?' Hahaha.
'Fat whinging cunt' in the highlights!!! LOLLLLLLLS! Marcus to win! Oh...!
OMG Sophie won. She looked shocked. I do believe Siavash was happy for her though. I wonder what the percentage was?
Sophie owes him ten grand for wearing that shit out of the house.
Aw Noirin shame. HOODIE!!! Pine. Pine. Pine. Friends. Friends. Friends. Have fun.
Convenient that Siavash has lost his voice! See Noirin laughing!
Look at all the power Siavash had when he first went in! That house ground him down. Siavash looked good as the rabbit.
FUCK Sophie got 74.4% of the vote! Gosh. I can't resent her as a winner. She's better than Rachel.
I liked the sketch with Rodrigo and Sophie; they are so cute together. I don't understand how Roddy came 5th and she came 1st. He was a lot more multi-faceted than her.
Well done, Dogface. It's good girls voted for you, I guess.
I kinda like that song off that advert. I did cry a tiny bit.
Liked it when they panned past Marcus and he said 'Get fucked'.
Sophie what you gonna spend your cash on? New boobs and new hair. And crack for chihuahuas.
Shall I say a word or two about Big Mouth? Why not. My blog has been a bit shit despite my drinking. Davina looks like crap.
It's weird they are doing their own catchphrases already (Shut up/ absolutely brilliant). David chose Lisa over Vivienne.
I love Grace Dent! Roddy should have won. I still can't work out how he came 5th.
Why is Bob calling Siavash Sheavash?! Siavash is getting roasted on BBLB. He came SECOND, you spazzes.
Basshunter! Has a vocoder installed in his throat. And Brian Belo nuzzled Sophie's boobies! Outrageous.
So that's all folks. Hopefully there'll be some good shit on this autumn about brain tumours, eating disorders and sex changes.
And I'll review a couple of gigs and albums. Stay with me. It's still better than going out.

Big Brother 10: I assume we all want to be Beyonce.

Why is the last mile the hardest mile?
Hehe to Charlie knocking Lisa's tea over. Apparently an inflatable 'really hurts' when it hits you on the head.
Siavash: 'I assume we all want to be Beyonce'. Classic line! I wouldn't want to be Beyonce, with her tree trunk thighs, and going into 'character' to do sexy dancing, because her good Christian self doesn't do that sort of thing. Beyonce is a prick.
Charlie sulking about being the stylist! Idiot. What a little twat he is. God I hate that Beyonce song so much. If you like IT then you should have put a ring on it??? WHAT???? Is she actually saying that? What a feminist icon.
Charlie sulking and Lisa leering at Beyonce. Yuck. Charlie is being more pathetic than Bea about not getting his own way.
Sophie quoted Sree! Hehe. Rodrigo: 'you are just a Playboy bunny'. Nice. And then laughing at Charlie's outfit, LOL! What's up with, Charlie? Why is being such a douche so close to the final? I mean, he's always a douche, but so openly a douche in the final week, so much so that even the thickest type of pond life who'd vote for him would cotton on. Self sabotage!
Only marginally less sexy than Beyonce herself was David as Beyonce. Siavash LOVES dressing up as a woman, doesn't he? That task did make me laugh, but mainly in abject horror. Siavash's arse was EATING that leotard!
Men arguing about hair straightners is just about the most emasculating thing on TV. It makes my fanny want to curl up and die. Rodrigo and his kinky hair makes me want to vote Siavash to win. Roddy's just miffed cos Charlie's got a cob on.
I liked it when Siavash went 'thank god' when Davina said Sophie was safe. It was touching. Charlie and David crying over the loss of Lisa made me wanna smoke crack.
God are we having to suffer their fucking home videos again? Give us a break, BB. The last half an hour of this show was virtually unwatchable.
Dopey David! That joke isn't funny anymore.
Siavash to win? I'm still tempted by Roddy. I reckon it's the closest final in a LOOOOOONG time. Let's face it, if Ulrika Johnsson can beat Terry Christian, all bets are off.

Big Brother 10: Ding dong, the witch is dead

Which old witch? The wicked witch!
Bit topsy turvy tonight as my BT Vision box declined to tape the 1st installment. So I'm watching the eviction show first.
Ooh it's between Charlie and Lisa! Bye Lisa! Shame Charlie didn't go, but at least Lisa didn't get very high ratings, getting the boot on a Tues. I'm not drunk, either, which doesn't help. Go smoke fags back home. Is there a crowd? Is she getting booage? They should have sent her out via the back door, to no crowd, like they did to lovely chicken Stu back in the day, who did not deserve it (Lisa did).
Her behaviour was dire this week, but annoyed Charlie scoots his little tortoise face into the final. Shame we couldn't have had a double eviction.
Woah, the panel is distinctly Z-list tonight, and that's saying something. Lisa is in combative mode. The defences are up!
LOL Kim hit the nail on the head with Lisa! Haha. Lisa will never see How Clean is Your House in the same light. Hehe, Davina snuck in the word 'bitter'.
Lisa's just reeling out the party line. Exscaping. No surprises here so far.
Can Lisa take a joke? Let's see. Hmm, not so sure!
Does Lisa even like David? I am not convinced!
How did Lisa and David cope in those furry suits all day when they went to London without a fag? I demand answers! I don't believe they didn't smoke, it's bullshit!
Give her more of a hard time for her bullying of Freddie! Hmm.
Mini bus stop was cool. At least Lisa has good manners. That's about the best I can say about her.
Ooh look at Charlie biting his nails down to the quick! You should be worried, sonny jim. Elephants don't forget!
Well I might as well blog Big Mouth as I'm waiting for the 1st show to download on a torrent. More Z-list celebs, John McCruick, spare me. Undoing years of sexy hunk advertising in one swoop.
LOL at Marcus being released back into the wild! I wonder if Siavash's girlfriend is in the audience this week *psycho*!
I don't like John McCruick brow-beating Lisa, he did the same to Freddie too!
Ahhh Marcus calling David a fat fuck *warm glow*. If David is a 32 waist, I'm a size zero.
Stop saying 'y'know' Lisa! Props to Lisa for coming back to McCruick with the strap-on comment! Nice work.
Lisa giving it 'you only see an hour of it'- the bad editing defence. The worst! I've watched hours of live feed! This Big Mouth is BORING. God, I wish I was drunk. I haven't even seen the highlights yet and I'm tired. Grumpy now.
Christ, these highlights are rubbish! Especially after that wait. 'Charlie gonging me!'
True colours, true colours, yap, yap, yap.
Christ, look at Sophie's boobies! Lawks.
Lisa, Charlie woke you up in the night to say 'no hard feelings!' God, don't go into counselling, will you, Charlie, he'll be helping the bereaved by putting a whoopee cushion on his clients' chair.
Siavash's joy at watching BB soon turned to the realisation that he was getting shafted. It was quite bold of him to walk out when they showed it; I'd be desperate to see, even if it was through my fingers! They are making a mug out of Sea at the mo. He should front it a bit.
Ooh, 'friends' and 'have fun' from Noirin! Score.
You can tell a lot about a housemate from their faces whilst watching Siavash dig his own grave. Sophie and Rodrigo looked hurt for him. Charlie was practically licking his lips. Lisa found it funny.
Rodrigo and Charlie were mainly shitting their pants about what they've been up to, methinks.
Look at the way Charlie strutted into that room afterwards to rub Siavash's nose in it. He was basically skipping. Siavash was milking it. But it is embarrassing for him.
I wonder where Noirin is now. I do know she aint happy. How could she be?
Lisa's impression of Marcus was surreal. Sophie's Irish accent was the strangest thing I've ever heard. She sounded half Liverpudlian, half South African. They should have dug up the HOODIE! I miss the hoodie. Give Siavash the hoodie to sniff.
Haha, Sophie pulled out the 'friends' gun. Friends, friends, friends! I miss Noirin.
Is BB victimising Sivash a good or bad thing? I think good, a sympathy vote is still a vote, dude. Lap up the crumbs. I think Siavash knows it, too.
The others seemed to be enjoying taking the mickey a little TOO much for my liking. Siavash did a bad thing, but he paid the price, and I think, was badly hurt.
Urgh and Lisa sticking the knife in. Bitch. Does she not understand that some things aren't black and white?
Give Siavash his clothes back. And as for you, Lisa, get out of my sight.

Big Brother 10: No one tells me what to do... except Big Brother

Well the BB editors obviously thought last night's show was useless as well, so they lit the dynamite tonight in the form of the 'nomination game'! LOL. Let the bitching commence.
Haha, Sophie nominated Charlie for being 'false' in the first week! She was right! The look of joy on Rodrigo's face! Check out Charlie's fixed smile. You will pay for that, Sophie!
Lisa's face when Rodrigo nommed her! Rodrigo took Charlie's one better. Don't. fuck. with. the. matriarch. Everyone has to nominate! Fuck you, Lisa. The truth hurts. Perhaps instead of spouting off like the nasty old bit of scrag you are, you should have LISTENED to WHY he nominated you. Ever thought about that? Yet it's fair game to nominate Siavash, Marcus and Freddie week after week.
That was funny when Sophie nominated David and he did his fake laugh. Dealt with! She's got your number.
Urgh it sickens me them all kowtowing to Lisa. 'You're young, you'll see as you grow up.' What will they see? You're just a poisonous old bag who has provided no entertainment whatsoever this summer, and systematically got everyone entertaining or kind evicted from that house. So fuck you, Lisa. I'm 29; and from the bottom of my heart I say, FUCK YOU.
How many times did Lisa nominate Siavash? She says once but where's the proof? He's not 'crafty'. He does play up to it sometimes, but at heart he's alright, you know. Her heart is just as black and rotten as her lungs. I wish Siavash would give it back to her.
Urgh and then when Lisa called Sophie Siavash's little pet just because she never got the memo to VOTE SIAVASH OUT. There's an example of your intimidation tactics, Lisa.
YAY Siavash GAVE IT BACK. Good. Eat that, Lisa. I vote Siavash to win just for that comment. At least Siavash is brave enough to throw himself to the lions, even after what he did with Noirin, he dared put his fate in the public's hand. Lisa has just hidden her way through the series- hidden behind her sacrificial lambs.
Even Sophie's twigged it! Sophie has sussed Lisa! If Sophie's sussed her, then the game is well and truly up.
Has David got dungarees on?! Look at Charlie's inane grin as he gets called to the diary room to perform! Ha, not grinning now, are you? LOL! Go on, squeeze a Bea-tear out. At least he didn't nominate after that charade. Oh but he did want some praise for his sacrifice afterwards.
Lisa and David are keen to nominate! It is totally fair if they all go up in the final week. Lisa and David are making themselves look like pricks. Don't they see that?
Haha, David nominating! No one tells me what to do... except Big Brother. Idiot box. OMG he nominated Sophie! Bad David. I like Sophie. But all this 'Sophie to win' thing is ridiculous. She's a nice girl, but doesn't deserve it. She's had it pretty easy in there.
David: 'I don't talk shit'- if you say so.
Charlie is giving it the saint act; but Siavash called Charlie out on nominating Marcus too! Siavash is on fire tonight. Fuck off Lisa, you dickhead. Siavash did nothing to Marcus; Noirin was NOT Marcus's property!!!
David you ARE scared of being evicted, you little fucking worm! Stop trying to get other people to have as slack morals as you.
I don't find Rodrigo particularly childish, but I do find Lisa to be a complete CUNT!
Shit, Rodrigo did nominate, but he nominated Lisa, hahaha.
YOU'RE the one showing your true colours, Lisa, you fucking mingebag. Well done, you've overtaken Charlie as my figure of hate. Stop trying to run the house! You lose.
The way Siavash said 'no hard feelings'; he has more class in his little finger than Lisa could ever dream of. Yay, then Rodrigo came out and said he put Lisa and David up; LOL! Let the public decide.
Don't pick Rodrigo up on his English, Lisa, how much Portugese do you speak whilst watching Jeremy Kyle in your one bed council flat? Rodrigo has not got a lot to learn; you do, but you won't.
Loved Siavash's reasons why he wasnt nominating, but that he could. Just very, very classy behaviour from Siavash tonight.
I'm glad David and Lisa have alienated themselves from the house. They are total morons. LOVED the others taking the mickey. Very funny. At least Charlie had the balls to admit what they were saying when David asked.
I have a feeling this walk out isn't going to work! Bless them for trying, though.
At least Sophie and Siavash were up for it, Charlie and Rodrigo were dilly-dallying. Just out-bluff BB! The show would be dead without you. You really needed Marcus on hand for the revolution.
Charlie waking Lisa and David up was still idiotic, but in the context of the show, I feel less malice towards him than when I saw it last night on the live feed.
Final week, well it's gotta be Rodrigo or Siavash to win, now. Rodrigo has probably got enough votes just on his baby face alone. For Freddie, for Marcus, for their scalps, in memorium, vote Siavash to win. He's our last man standing. Our last fuck you to Lisa. Come on. You know it makes sense.

Big Brother 10: The blog with no name

Last night's highlights were SO boring. When you have extended scenes of David and Lisa eulogising themselves, you know you're in deep shit highlights-wise. And Lisa lamenting the loss of Marcus! Well, I never.
Lisa's bored! Send her home. Stop saying you're missing Marcus, Charlie, you voted him out, you duplicitous cuntrag!
Ooh Lisa's got a reason to nominate Rodrigo now. Tempers definitely seem a bit frayed at the moment. That money is in sight, even if it's depleted.
The task thing was funny for about five minutes, then got a bit boring. Which reminds me, when are they going to give Siavash his clothes back? I wish he'd draw his other eyebrow on too. The lack of symmetry is annoying.
Urgh David and his laugh! Ban both. Even Lisa looks tired.
Marvel at them order a Chinese! The excitement is just too much. Ah, it's delivered and they start moaning immediately.
God, Lisa going on about her bagging of straight girls. David is right; places are not gay friendly; if two blokes start snogging in a straight club, it's not that friendly I'd imagine.
What IS it with that extra 5 minutes at the end of BB? I have to sit through a whole ad break for that? Normally I don't have to sit through ad breaks but I've lost my remote control. It's not my day.
Roll on Friday; this series is dead. But I STILL hate all the gleeful articles gloating over the end of Big Brother; you don't see me calling for an end to Songs of Praise or Countdown for being a tired formula. So why don't you just let us enjoy our own programmes, motherfuckers?

Big Brother 10: Cram it up your scabby fat arse

Hair wars! Do you think a £7 hair extension can save Sophie's barnet? Marcus just doesn't want her to have glorious locks like him.
How can you tell the difference between Siavash's own clothes and the comedy clothes BB puts him in? It was a bit cruel of him to wind them all up, he likes his riddles.
So far Siavash is coming out on top in these highlights. It sucks either way; I don't want either Marcus or Siavash to go. Ooh Marcus called him out on it! I think Marcus is being a little unfair.
Charlie: 'MY money is going to care for me mam.' It's not YOUR fucking money, Charlie.
I'm fucking sick of them having a go at Siavash. David says he'd take 50K but they're having a go at Siavash for wanting to give money to charity. Donkeys.
Siavash carried off his outfit with a certain degree of panache. David's laughing at him was absolutely pathetic *say in David style*. Imagine David in that outfit! I hate David right now. Marcus is being a right grumpy bastard as well. He's shooting himself in his dark horseshoe right now. It was obvious he wouldn't cut off his hair though.
Rodrigo's face during the truth or dare when Charlie said who he'd sleep with! Bloody hell. He was fuming!
Wow, can't believe Marcus went. He was the victim of a bad edit tonight, but he has become a pastiche of himself this last week. Aw his cheeky little face when leaving! Can't believe we lost Marcus and Freddie in two weeks. Shocking. This should give Siavash some strength now. That house is dead on it's feet.
Marcus getting it in the neck from Andi Peti! Grace told it like it was- Marcus is one of the greats. Funny as fuck.
I don't find Marcus that sexist. He's just a comedy characature. Glad Grace brought Noirin up though.
Marcus saying he wanked 7 and a bit times, hehe. Glad Davina pulled him up about Siavash and Noirin. Knew he wouldn't hold his hands up, though.
Marcus's best bits went on forever. 'Well I think you're a fucking pathetic fat whinging cunt!' Just pure, pure classic TV.
The dark horse just gor repressed. And looking at the remaining bunch, we are all the poorer for it.

Big Brother 10: Can you see the Millennium Eye?

Anarchy in Borehamwood!
Quite ironic really on the day that it is announced that Big Brother is axed, they set David and Lisa a highly un-Big Brother-like task of going outside, and the rest of the housemates storm the camera run. The whole thing feels like it's falling apart in front of our (very) eyes.
I appreciate the fact that sending Lisa and David out of the house is a cool idea; but it's so very at odds with the idea of what Big Brother is about, that it just seems absurd. To my mind, part of winning, is being holed up in that house for three months, THEN coming out to the baying crowd. If you've already been out mingling with the crowd a week beforehand, it rather takes the shine off. And to that end, I'm glad Marcus didn't get to go. It's not like Lisa and David are gonna win the fucker, is it?
Can we send Charlie into space (sans oxygen?) David and Lisa looked more like fruit than aliens. Hmm, good luck with that task, Sophie and Rodrigo.
I enjoyed Marcus cawing to the birds in the garden because it's the kind of infantile thing I do.
I liked Lisa and David's excitement at the task though, it must be such a buzz to get out of the house like that. The producers were probably glad Marcus didn't get that task or he'd probably have just ditched the costume and run off. Now that would have been funny. Lucky for BB they got 'rules is rules' cretins David and Lisa.
It was nice to see them on the bus, though. I knew that bus would come if Lisa waited there long enough! It was like they were on day release from the loony bin.
Aw it was cute when they held hands. Lisa hammering it home that David better not fuck up the task!
Haha omg that was funny when David was on the phone and Lisa thought he was talking to her. They are such a stupid pair. Do you think they're going to be smart enough to try and take a sneaky peek at Heat, or check their odds down the bookies?
Siavash can't beat Marcus can he? I admire him for plouging his own bizarre furrow in some respects. It's better than towing the line.
HAHAHA to Lisa and David trying to get their pcitures taken by the harsh London crowd. Bless 'em.
It was good when Marcus went in the pool. Now you are awake!
I LOVED the unbridled joy of them all running round the camera runs, and that even Rodrigo did it. It was ace! Ooh Siavash got manhandled. LOL Sophie, Rodrigo and Charlie got lost! Ha, Marcus is such a naughty boy. I love him. Marcous! It all went a bit Dead Set and counter-culture, I liked it a lot. I think they trumped Lisa and David!
'London town centre'! LOL. Up west, dude. OMG David's chirruping laugh of glee. Hehe Charlie trying to one up them with his story! His FACE! He was seething. Perhaps should have waited a few minutes for that one. Snigger.
How long before Lisa's moaning about the loss of the prize fund? Rules IS rules, after all!

Big Brother 10: They own us

Painkillers!
Sophie doing this Jade schtick is boring, BB is literally revelling in her thickness. Let's dress her up in school uniform and make fun of the thick blonde! Misogyny central. I'm not sure I'd know where all of those places are to be honest, but I think I could do half of them, hehe. Even the thickest cunt must know what the UK looks like though, especially when you live in it. Sophie seems drunk constantly now. I think she's lost the plot.
Siavash, just nominate you fucking plank! He's really getting on my nerves. Why is Marcus backtracking now as well? The dark horse is running scared!
Oh wind your neck in Charlie, you're the only tool in that house. He sees Siavash and Marcus as threats! Simple as that. See how fast he came up with extra reasons for Marcus when he was under pressure! Idiot box.
Bye bye Siavash then. You threw yourself under the bus, and to be honest I'm not that bothered anymore. You almost had it all, but you threw it away. Shoulda put David up.
A bad, bad end to things, basically all the good guys got picked off in the end, and actually the catalyst for that was Bea. Lisa was almost overthrown, but Bea fucked it up.
I'm glad Rodrigo pulled Siavash up on his martyrdom. Siavash really is a rebel without a cause. Hmm, wonder why Charlie is so upset? How ironic he's calling someone Mr Perfect, he's been trademarking that image for two months now. Listening to all these yapping off it's a crying shame we are losing Siavash over David/ Lisa/ Charlie.
Siavash does have freedom of choice! BB can kick him out if they don't like it Sophie was the only person defending him.
The way Charlie pulled Siavash's girlfriend out the bag! HARSH! It's none of his fucking business. GOD I HATE HIM! The injustice of this situation is just not right! The only person who showed his 'true colours' tonight was Charlie.
I believe Siavash doesn't want to be in the final if the public don't want him there. Charlie/ Lisa/ David don't care either way. Glad he told Charlie and Rodrigo so.
David says straightfaced: 'they say jump, I say how high?' So he'd be the first gassing the Jews, just remember that folks, when you're picking your winner.
How did Siavash 'cheat' on Marcus? Was Marcus going out with Noirin? NO.
See Charlie spluttering when Siavash said 'why didn't you vote so we all went up?' OMG and then he just goes and dances to his song! ARGH!
I'm glad it's nearly over. Marcus or Rodrigo to win. Chuck Charlie out via the side door mid next week. Cheers.

Big Brother 10: If it was fucking acid, fair enough

I'm sick and itchy and in pain but I'm also bored out of my brain so I'll try squeeze a mini-blog out. I liked the wrestling yesterday, it was fun. The episode the day before was SO boring. On the eviction; Davina stuck it to Bea GOOD! I was shocked at how harsh she was, but totally deserved.
Now am I being paranoid or are they showing an awful lot of Charlie lately? Oh, he's such a cheeky chappie! Look at him deny his feelings for Rodrigo and declare himself 'a lovely guy'. So why do I hate him SO much? The way he reacted over the magazines thing was telling in itself, one bit of criticism and he went ballistic. I just fing him utterly vacuous and transparent. If he wins, I'll shut up shop, I swear. HE CANNOT WIN!
And I still don't understand what Sophie was so upset about with Kris? It all seemed very cynical and to do with agents and it just didn't smell right. Yuck.
Aw Rodrigo, don't fall for him, you're too good for that odius showy little prink. There'll be tears before bedtime either way.
Sophie is a bit idiotic for moaning that Marcus was upset she stole from him. Sophie is coming off like a bit of an idiot at the moment. I can't believe she's the favourite to win. I like her and Rodrigo together, but she's just a total airhead really.
David has had hundreds of one night stands! With whom?! This story stacks up about as well as Freddie and his four lovers.
It annoys me now that ALL their conversations are about the end of the show/ wrapping up etc. It's boring! Too much dead wood in that house. That's the problem.
I did have a wry smile at David/ Siavash during the toothbrush task but that was about it.
Siavash seems very interested in other people's sexuality, doesn't he? I wonder why..?
Lisa rubbed it in a bit with Sophie when they lost the task considering she's meant to be her friend.
Sophie hit the nail on the head with the nominations thing; Charlie, Rodrigo, David and Lisa are running scared. Siavash isn't scared actually; I think he doesn't want a free pass to the final. He wants to feel he's earned it, whereas Lisa and Charlie feel entitled.
It's all very well Siavash looking down his nose at Sophie for not knowing this and that but he didn't actually answer the question of where Sweden was, did he? Does Sophie give women/ blondes a bad name? No, she just gives the education system one.
Despite my complaints about Sophie, I like the fact she has so little regard for her image that she just waxes her eyebrows off for a laugh. That's my kind of girl.
So in conclusion, mixed feelings about everything. I blame the codeine and tramadol cocktail.

Big Brother 10: You killed Marcus!

Don't let the title fool you that this blog is gonna be a good 'un, it aint.
'If you count the skeletons in my closet... under the bed, and up under my faucet...' What is Eminem on about? Anyway!
Heartwarming start to the show; a gravestone with Bea's name on. 'Why has mine got a crow on?' Because you never stop squawking? Oh God, Bea 'I want/ I want'. Had Bea got her costume on yet..? Oh.
Rodrigo and Sophie looked cute as vampires. I want Rodrigo to start going; 'One... ha ha ha ha. Two... ha ha ha ha.'
Bea didn't suffer enough for my liking! Let's really operate on her.
David came across like a dick having a go at Bea for nominating him (although she did lie). He's a right touchy git! Am I bovvered? If I was Bea I'd walk; that'd teach him. I'm surprised she didn't take it worse. God, shut up David. You're an idiot. Stop bellowing.
Well that apology went well, didn't it. If I was Bea I wouldn't even justify it. I'd just say 'I nominated you- tough'. I can't believe she's even letting him go on like that with the way she normally behaves. He is totally over-reacting.
Ooh Lisa gave it to Bea! Looks like you shouldn't have thrown Freddie under the bus after all. LOL. All the things Bea has done in that house and they dig her out over nothing. Weird. Good to see Lisa showing her claws though.
God that BB (and therefore my blog) was boring. Blame Endemol, not Exitainment.

Big Brother 10: Nothing to do with the Mingebaggery

When Marcus and Lisa are bonding, you know the ship's going down. Bea is such a spoilsport. Everyone's pissed at her so she just wants to walk. Why is BB giving her extra messages from home?! What is there to be proud of? I'd be sickened to have brought up such a spoilt, ungrateful snob.
The way she tried to wriggle out of those nominations was the most barefaced thing I'd ever seen. Why does anyone DESERVE to go over you, Bea, with the way you behave? I'm so sick of even hearing her voice. Get rid!
Good luck getting Rodrigo out of that house, Bea, you fucking spanner. You might as well just put your nomination in the bin. You should have nominated Lisa instead, it might have saved you.
Siavash and his bumbling nominations protest is just getting sillier. It's totally stupid. What is he protesting against!? I don't get what he's on about either. He's giving it all the rhetoric and posturing but he's saying NOTHING. It's just a load of old twaddle. Beware false idols!
Ha that was funny when he came out the diary room and ran into the innocents Rodrigo and Sophie. Bless them! Ooh but Bea touched the cursed man! Heheeeeeee. GOOD!
Siavash is the KING of going 'something has happened but I can't tell you what!' There's being enigmatic and then there's just being an irritant.
How can Charlie nominate Marcus and Siavash when he's been on the front line for Bea's most audacious stunts?!
David, please nominate Bea. Oh my god, he DIDN'T. Oh Jesus. Please don't let this happen again. David, you're an idiot. Ha and Bea nominated you and then lied to your face; sucker.
LOL to Marcus telling Bea he voted for her. Deal with it!
I like Sophie, despite the Kris thing. Ha, Bea, David and Marcus up! Bye Bea.
See how antsy David gets when he thinks he's going to get put up? Idiot. If Bea walks, he's the new target, let's destroy him. He's getting on my nerves.
Lisa lives again! Rules is rules. Zzzzz. DAVID Siavash still has his own mind! He doesn't have to vote if he doesn't want to; if BB is that bothered, they can chuck him out, can't they!
What's Rodrigo getting all aerated about? People are seriously worried, aren't they! The people with no faith in their own popularity. Charlie is attacking the wrong people as usual.
David on Ice! We wish. OMG the dark horse having a wank! Why announce it? Just do it privately! Why do they all want to see?! They happy slapped him! Ew, the belt buckle was undone!
At least he took it in good faith! Muchos LOLs.

Big Brother 10: I'm sorry, but it is funny

So are we going to have a positive or negative day? Ah, negative.
Bea: 'I've never had anything spat into my face before.' Well get used to it if you're going to go down Chinawhites when you get out; let Danielle Lloyd be a lesson to us all (in more ways than one). Charlie looked defeated in the fact of (non)spit-gate. Another scalp to claim en route to the biggest booing of all time.
Siavash declared Lenny Kravitz the coolest human being ever! Perhaps he meant 'mightiest douche'.
Warming to Lisa more than ever this week as she sees through Bea's Tiny Tears act. If she slaps the bitch, she could become my winner!
I like it when they get messages from home. It makes me realise they are human. Lisa got a message from some horror-movie style twins! Aw, they were kind of cute. LOL Siavash said it was like The Shining!
I actually felt something for Charlie too! I thought his mum had been in a coma for years, but it's six months. Maybe she will come out of it, then. You never know. (But let's not get our issues confused, he's not our winner). He looked like his dad! Rodrigo's face when he came back out; you can tell he really loves him, underneath all that hurt.
LOL to Bea's message 'maybe your mum was busy.' More likely she's disowned you, you psychotic munt. Bea's friend must be touched that she so appreciated her message. Every time Bea cries, it makes my heart soar. Genuinely. Seriously, if you gave her the moon on a stick, she'd want the moon on a stick, but carried by the rarest butterflies on the planet. You've not seen your mum for four or five weeks! Get a grip, you idiot. OMG why is BB even telling her that her mum didn't want to appear on TV? They shouldn't tell her ANYTHING! Keep that bitch suffering! Bad Big Brother! That's telling them stuff from home! God, if I'd given birth to that, I'd be ashamed to show my face too. She's fucking nutso.
Aw David's family have had T-shirts made with his picture on. I hope it says 'Fat Cunt' on the back. Jesus, stop blubbing, man!
ARGH my freeview cut out for about ten minutes on the middle. Boo! I wanna see Marcus's message. Right, I'm going to watch this again on the plus one. Haha, Bea's friend's message was even funnier the second time round in the aftermath of the crocodile river!
What's up with Siavash? I thought he was freaking because it wasn't his dad.
Urgh, the REAL Mighty Douche is back to give a message to Sophie! Woo, 'she's nailing the tasks'! Who said romance is dead? Fuck off Kris, you dickhead. 'Love you lots...' but not as much as he loves himself (or All Saints).
Haha omg Bea still going on about that video, she listed that person about 4839338420 down her list of people who she wanted to hear from. What a CUNT! Haha, Rodrigo and Charlie laughing about it was good.
OMG they really dug her out about it; that was marvellous. You can tell she's literally never been crossed in her life. Did she just admit she had no friends? Heheheeheheeeee! Her mum is gonna get it in the NECK!
Go on, Roddy, stick to your guns! Stop saying sorry to her! Stop feeding her cunt-fire! OMG Rodrigo and Marcus laughing at Bea's misfortune; I love it!
Kris... such a nice personality... I don't think so, Sonny Jim.
I missed the last bit after the break because my box died again. Oh well. I got the idea.
The only fate worse than being locked in that house with Bea, is being Bea herself. That would be some REAL torture. That poor, poor girl.

Big Brother 10: It's offensive to clowns to call him a clown

Soz I didn't blog last night, it was a good 'un, too but I had my tonsils out yesterday so I am in the recovery position for the next two weeks. The worst part is, I can't shout at the TV! I can't even talk! Arghhhh. Bea is not aiding my recovery.
Rodrigo's rage was amazing; he made the diary room shake again! Charlie is such a nasty little bastard, I really hate his 'I'm innocent' act. Rodrigo is a volcano! His fury is a wonder to behold. Lucky he looks like a choir boy and not like Marcus or he would have been out of that house many moons ago.
The show has definitely lost something with Freddie gone and I hated seeing Bea gloating.
David was quite right to try and warn Rodrigo about his behaviour for his own good. Clowns make us laugh! LOL. Oh God, when Bea's doing the counselling, RUN!
Good to see Lisa and David are onto Bea. Bea you fucking idiot, it's obvious that some letters will have more words than others; thats why you picked at random, you dimwit. God, I'd hate to go to a pub quiz with this bitch, she's utterly ruthless.
Marcus: bollocks/ bastard/ barrionics?!
LOL to Rodrigo being just as shit at the task in Portuguese. Haha, Sophie tried to have OMG as a word beginning with O!
Charlie 'see no evil, hear no evil' thinks everyone really gets on! Yeah, and you're going to win BB!
Bedgate! Zzzz (literally). Why is Bea always moving beds? She wants whatever she can't have! She's the Princess and the Bea (that was poor, I apologise). If she's not up for eviction this week, it'd be a fucking miracle. No wonder Siavash doesn't want to sleep next to the dried up old bint. Then she's still pouring the poison in as Siavash is being kind in the diary room. God, get her out! I can't stand it. The way she talks to everyone is so passive/aggressive.
Marcus's bitching session in the diary room was lush. More Marcus!
I'm glad Charlie spat on that cunt. She was laughing at first! It's only water. She deserves spitting on. Watch her whip it up now. Guess you picked the wrong bed after all, you dick. Argh, get out of my sight.

Big Brother 10: All the fucking best, Marcus

I can't believe we're going to lose either Freddie or Marcus tonight, I'm gutted! Still, I suppose we should be grateful it's happened in this late stage. Imagine if we'd lost them early; the show would have died on it's arse.
But how can we be grateful, when Lisa and David are scowling on the bench, reveling in their own inanity?
Postive! Negative! This makes Noirin's 'friends' schtick look underdone. Freddie's correct, it is projection. Bea is projecting all over the gaffe. The thing she didn't like most in that conversation was 'four million people'. She must KNOW in her heart of hearts that she is poison. She must.
Also, didn't Rodrigo take that Queen task well. I felt upset at them making a fool of him, but he dealt with it really brilliantly; how funny he can brush off that yet gets annoyed about the silliest thing. He really is a charming, lovely person and a worthy winner, unlike the bland plank Charlie who can't see what's going on right in front of his mush. The Bea-ranny lives on; how she swung that conversation with Marcus to him 'bullying' her was utterly pathetic, she is truly deranged. I liked it when Freddie laughed at her for being a stinking hypocrite! Charlie is just see no evil, hear no evil, he's such a shit judge of character. He's an empty vessel.
I like the fact Freddie can't be fucked to get dressed. Who would in that house of plebs?
I liked Marcus's fan mail and him moaning about it being the cameras fault because he's ugly.
Hi David, what does retard mean? You don't need to answer with words of more than one syllable, just draw us a diagram, you fucking spazz.
Haha to BB telling David off, although it seems wrong for BB to intervene like that. Really weird, actually. Although glad it riled Bea. Ner ner.
Lisa was actually right about Bea, but yet another person (David) not understanding when someone was trying to help them (and it's not often Lisa tries to help anyone).
We just called up to evict Freddie three times purely off the back of the memory of Marcus calling David a fat whinging cunt. Appreciate!
Urgh the bullying of Freddie reminds me so much of the old days. Bea has SEEN it, how can she ringlead it? She's tapped.
Ad break: I'm accesorising my underarms with bingo wings! That cannabis advert! ALL that from cannabis? All I've ever got is a little tired. They're overselling it.
Wetherspoons in Bristol is pretty banging? How? They don't play music in Wetherspoons! Bea, you're not as posh as you think you are, love.
Freddie's giving out his pick up lines, Mystery style! Ceasar salad! Far out, dude. Engaging the group! Pick your set! Freddie IS the pick-up artist.
Love Marcus! He's such a cheeky imp.
David you're a t-w-a-t. Oh Bea's hurt her wrist! Where there's blame there's a claim!
Do you think Lisa's going to roll around in her giant bag of tobacco as if it was catnip? I reckon her and David are fit to turn on Bea. As thick as they are, they must see it. 'Don't rise to it, Bea.' What? Someone larking around enjoying themselves? She has got nothing but poison running through her veins. What perfume does she wear; Vitriol for cunts?
Derren! Do a mind-game on Bea and evict her via magic!
Lisa and Marcus chumming up! It brings a tear to my eye... well OK, maybe not.
Ad break. Kevin Bishop is actually good. Ad break. I'd rather brush Marcus's ponytail every day for a thousand years than be in a 'flash mob'.
YAY we did it! Bea crushed Freddie, but Marcus stayed. That's people power. The cockroach has left the building! I can't believe Freddie's gone. He shouldn't have gone before Lisa/ Charlie et al.
But Marcus has been gold since Noirin left.
Freddie's pride has gone before a fall. Public schoolboys don't blub! LOL.
Cock-blocking Bea-ts! I don't want Freddie to be defined by the Bea-ness. He is more than the sum of her parts.
It's a bit unfair to say Freddie's not that good at reading people; no one could have seen it coming what a nutbar she was. Davina was too harsh on him! He's the people's prince!
Shut up John McCruick, you dope. Go drink some Diet Coke.
Yay they pulled out Freddie's Edward Norton moment! That was ace. Judi James is talking out of her arsehole, it must be said. Freddie had every right to attack them in the final stages.
Sophie is not going to win; she's a fucking numbskull.
Freddie was not given enough respect in that interview. He deserved better.
HMM! Bye Freddie. Love you. You woz robbed. Marcus to win. Every single person in that house nominated Marcus this week. That dark horse is truly irrepressible! Rargh.