Monday, 18 August 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Point Broke

Evening all! Well, so far this year we've had two horrible winners: Jim Davidson and Helen, if you need reminding. So we're now looking to make it the hat trick. Put everything you own on whoever has the worst odds; or whoever's on Richard Desmond's payroll, or whoever it's fixed for this time. Basically, the biggest twat.
Hold up, where's Super Cassandra! I like Emma Willis's dress. Say no more. She's promising electric shock suits already, brace yourself, they've obviously pushed the boat out.
White Dee in first. Well she's the biggest arsehole so far, but she is first in. Still. She's moaning about editing on Benefits Street, wait until she gets on Big Brother. I didn't watch Benefits Street, because I don't like looking down my nose at poor people. I just like looking down my nose in general at people. She's got some big boobies on her. She seems like she's going to be the new Pauline, maybe? So the 'celebs' have got a new comfy sofa, still looks quite cheap, though.
Next in is someone from Strictly Come Dancing, James, so only your mum will recognise him. Commence the clapping. He doesn't like cooking. He looks like Benedict in that flat cap. Nail down the chairs. 'I've been on Imodium all day.' Lovely. His girlfriend looks pretty. Dee knew his name! I hate it when they all know who's going in. She seemed quite warm with him. I think she could go either way; be a nightmare or be alright.
Next in, someone from Emmerdale, Claire. Just what we don't need, a new Tricia Penrose. This is like a mum's edition of Big Brother. It's like Gillian Taylforth but they couldn't afford her. 'Ey up.' She's got huge boobs, too.
Next in is Kelly Brook's bit of stuff, David. Didn't he crash a van full of badgers?! He's even admitting it. Ha. Why was he driving a van full of dead badgers anyway? Is he some sort of professional badger botherer? The crowd are booing him and I'm not sure why, but he does seem annoying. Kelly Brook is too nice for him.
Oh dear Lord, not a twist already. They are setting Dee up, making her become royal. Give her the crown, and evict her already. She has to fool the Americans that she's a Duchess. That means they'll be American or foreign then. Good! I'm fed up with these English no-marks.
Oh, this is going to be interesting. Kellie used to be Frank, a boxing promoter. Transgender people normally do well on Big Brother. Nadia, Luke A, Lauren Harries. Kellie will be an interesting character, either herself, or in the way people react to her and reveal themselves.
Audley Harrison is actually famous! My brother used to have a friend called Lee Harrison and we used to call him 'Old Lee Harrison.' Here's hoping he's not another Evander Holyfield. Does he know Kellie? He's mentioning 'ground rules'. I hope he's not going to be the new Vinnie Jones.
Audley does know Kellie! 'Do I have to call you Kellie?' 'If you want to get paid for your next fight.' This is going to be an interesting dynamic that could make or break either of them.
Next in Lauren Goodier. According to my boyfriend, the fat one, but not the fat, fat one. Charming! So tired of the Towies. She's wearing a mint coloured jumpsuit. Not sure that's the right look for her. I think she's got a wedgie.
GOGGLEBOX! George FTW. He's one of the worst people off Gogglebox, but still, Gogglebox! He's worried women have an ulterior motive because he's on Gogglebox. How much money do you get off being on fucking Gogglebox?! I can't stop saying Gogglebox. Send in Sandra! Send in the poshos! Will people on Gogglebox be watching this? It's a shame it's not on at the moment. I like the way he poured that drink, like it was the last drink he was ever going to drink.
Next in Edele from Bewitched. No, I'm not writing the asterisk. She can't even spell her own name. She likes being honest. This is from the 'say it to your face' school of Big Brother bullshit. I think she might be the biggest arsehole in Bewitched, and that's saying something. 'Do you do eyelashes?' Weird way to say hello. They are all standing round very awkwardly! The crowd don't look too cheerful either. I think Helen has worn us all down.
In next is Ricci from Geordie Shore. No, me neither. Another spelling that's going to get on my tits. The Geordie Shore people are cheap and unimaginative. Even cheaper than TOWIE wankers.
Next is Stephanie Pratt. I did watch The Hills, but obviously not Made in Chelsea. I liked her on The Hills. Her face looks different, though. What could have happened? Spencer got her on the show, haha. She looks weirdly like Heidi in a way. That's not creepy, is it?!
Where the fuck is Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee?
Remember when Germaine Greer had to wait on Jade Goody? That didn't work out so well, did it? Can't see this Dee thing going much better.
Next in is some old fella off Will and Grace, Leslie. Even if Will or Grace went in I wouldn't recognise them. He has been told 'you have to have strategy'. Don't worry, you don't. Oh my God, he's tiny. He's like a mini Christopher Biggins. He could be funny, you know. I like him!
Next up is some French woman off Rock of Love, Frenchy. That's a bit niche. She loves pink and she looks like someone you see in an 80s porno. You kind of hope that women who look like that don't exist anymore but then you see they do. 'Obviously I like cock.' Obviously. She likes guys who are 18-23 with big willies. That's a specific market. Is she old? I can't tell.
Gary Busey! Point Break! Celebrity Rehab! He was a legend on there. That's good that he's got sober, though. He looks a fucking state though! I liked his speech before he entered the house. 'It's an honour be here.' OK. Emma is having to help Gary into the house! Three questions! Haha! What were the three questions. He thought Audley's name was Orgy. Frenchie knows him! She said her name was Angelique. Oh God, this isn't right. He can't understand anything anyone's saying. This is taking awkward to a new level.
White Dee is going back in as Duchess Deirdre. Is that the poshest name they could think of? I think Claire is blowing this twist already. The twist was so overblown and then they spent two seconds on it. I don't think Dee's heart is in it. I can't get over Gary Busey. I actually can't get over it. Dear God. God help us all. Come back Helen, all is forgiven.

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